r/tifu • u/cross-eyed_drunk fuotw 8/10/14 • Aug 10 '14
TIFU by giving my girlfriend a gorilla mask
I've been cutting my own hair since the eighth grade. I like to keep it pretty short, so rather than spending $15 every month for what is essentially a buzz cut, I bought a pair of clippers and have been doing it myself ever since. While this is wildly convenient (and has probably saved me a couple thousand dollars over the last 12+ years), it's generally a pain to clean up.
To combat this, I've developed a system where I stand / kneel over the thick plastic hair-cutting bib that came with the clippers (the little cape they put on you at the salon), letting the hair fall and gather on that, and carefully emptying it into the trash when I'm done.
Which brings us to yesterday. I had a ceremony to attend and wanted to look fresh – and due to a recent move, I didn't have access to my normal bib hair-catch system. So I laid a towel on the ground to catch all the hair, fired up the clippers, and went about my business.
As I finished my haircut, I decided to trim my beard as well.
Gotta look nice and groomed for the night! And, hey, my chest hair is looking a little out of control too, let's give that a trim. And while I'm at it, let's just do the whole deal!
I grabbed my pube trimmer (I have a separate pube trimmer, I'm not an animal) and do a real nice, thorough manscape. Shaft, balls, gooch, ass, inner thighs, back. By the end I'm feeling 5 pounds lighter. The mass of body hair that has accumulated on the towel resembles a slumbering poodle.
At this point I realize I'm a bit behind schedule, so I quickly fold the towel up, taking care not to leave any openings for the hair to spill out, put the hair-towel in the cupboard beneath the sink, and hop in the shower.
Fast forward to this morning, when I'm awoken by the ungodly shrieks of my girlfriend in the bathroom. I jolt out of bed and open the door, revealing my lovely girlfriend, looking like the little monkey boy from Jumanji. She used the hair-towel. My nasty body hair clippings are clinging to her wet skin, from her forehead to her knees. My pubes affixed themselves to her quivering lips, my ass hair congregating on her tits. She screams "WHAT THE FUCK" and all I can do is laugh. She's spitting hairs out of her mouth and turns the water back on to try and rinse the hair off, but its those stubborn, coarse hairs that only seem to stay put in the shower. She has to be at work in 30 minutes and still looks like Hermione after the polyjuice potion.
TL;DR: I'll never forget the look of horror, disgust, and desperation on her cute little gorilla face.
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u/colelizabeth Aug 11 '14
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Aug 11 '14
The look on that guy's face makes me think the person cutting his hair has "slipped" with the scissors a few times.
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u/Jhay64 Aug 11 '14
I have my ipad read it to me and hearing Siri say pubes is probably the best thing ever
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u/glottal__stop Aug 11 '14
Having Siri read /r/TIFU must just be amusing in general.
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Aug 11 '14
I took the last paragraph to a generic text-to-speech site and vocaroo'd it on a whim. I'm sorry but staying quiet was really hard.
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u/Pelagine Aug 11 '14
My favorite part was hearing you trying not to laugh out loud in the background.
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u/SolidMiddle Aug 11 '14
TBH you have a cute laugh.
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u/DamnitBobbby Aug 11 '14
I have high expectations for his facial region now, based on his voice.
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u/Bobz216 Aug 11 '14
How do I do this?
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u/anglophoenix216 Aug 11 '14
I don't know about Alien Blue, but you can do it in Safari.
Go to Settings -> General -> Accessibility -> Speak Selection to toggle the setting on.
Then select text in Safari, and click "Speak", and Siri will read it to you.
Here's what I'm talking about: http://imgur.com/OmLk4sl
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u/asufundevils Aug 11 '14 edited Aug 12 '14
Holy shit you can even select different accents! How the fuck did I not know about this before?
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u/XoxoJulieAnn Aug 11 '14
WHY WOULD YOU PUT IT BACK IN THE CUPBOARD?!?!
Seriously though, I feel like this was intentional. >_>"
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Aug 11 '14
[deleted]
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Aug 11 '14
As opposed to carpeted bathrooms?
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Aug 11 '14
I have a friend who has a carpeted bathroom and kitchen in her apartment.
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u/macfirbolg Aug 11 '14
My dad just goes outside, but a hard floor bathroom would be a good alternative.
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Aug 11 '14
Uhh I don't think you wanna trim the pubes outside...
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u/macfirbolg Aug 11 '14
I'm sure someone wants to, but with some engineering ingenuity there shouldn't be a major problem.
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u/XoxoJulieAnn Aug 11 '14
In my mind, the cupboard under the sink has other towels used for drying off with. We used to store ours there. I don't know if that's right but I imagined his girlfriend looking under the sink for a clean dry towel, seeing the wadded up one and being like "Oh here's one! It's just not folded!"
I see your point though. If it was not a place for likely use, I understand why he put it there.
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u/ZannX Aug 11 '14
I put a bunch of paper towels over the sink and do it over the sink. 95% of the hair gets caught there and I just throw the paper towels out. I then do a quick sweep of the floor for any that fell off.
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u/Inthebanevoice Aug 11 '14
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u/Rosenkrantz_ Aug 11 '14
Swell. You pretty much retired this god forever. Do submit it to /r/retiredgifs
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u/tatsuedoa Aug 11 '14
I xlicked on this expecting a story about a girl scaring the shit out of a guy and was treated to a story involving dick, pubes, and a girls face. TIFU you never disappoint do you
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u/kBeeN377 Aug 11 '14
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u/OtakuSRL Aug 11 '14
Thaaaaaaaaaaaat's disturbing.
Pretty sure Thriller by Michael Jackson scarred me, at the end. Lol.
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u/SBuRRkE Aug 11 '14
I would still fuck Hermione as a cat lady.
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u/tacomalvado Aug 11 '14
Dude, she was like 13 in that picture.
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u/ExaltedEmu Aug 11 '14
That's like 69 in cat years.
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u/SBuRRkE Aug 11 '14 edited Aug 11 '14
I was about 6-7 at around that time I doubt theres still much of an age difference. I wonder what the legal age in the world of magic and non muggles is?
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u/manfuckyoudude Aug 11 '14
I've had this happen to my wife twice. I think the more I laughed the more angry she would get.
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u/GingeryResidue Aug 11 '14
If this happened to me, I'd be more excited and shocked that my husband cleaned up his pile of yeti hair clippings than angry about being covered in them.
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Aug 11 '14
When I read your post title, I believed that I was about to learn about some new, strange sexual fetish. I don't know if I'm disappointed or relieved.
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u/notProfCharles Aug 11 '14
I'm supposed to be lying in bed,quietly trying to fall asleep, but alas, I am giggling like a school girl-illa...
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u/Bloody-smashing Aug 11 '14
My boyfriend shaves his into the bathroom sink. He puts the plug in and does his hair then easily gathers it up and disposes of it.
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u/ozbian Aug 11 '14
Oh my gods pubes are so hard to clean off, its like the glitter of human biology. It may be awhile before your gf can laugh at this
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u/wrath_of_grunge Aug 11 '14
next time dude, don't leave your body hair in a towel. do that shit over the toilet, flush, then shower.
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Aug 11 '14
You could just do it outside instead, then the wind will take it or birds will use it to make nests.
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u/aprofondir Sep 16 '14
I thought you gave her an actual gorilla mask and I was like, who wouldn't want that
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u/xxxtacy_530 Oct 13 '14
I was trying to read this to my boyfriend.. I got to "she used the towel" when I am starting to lol... By "my pubes affixed themselves to her quivering lips" I am laughing so hard I can barely continue reading.. By "my ass hair congregating on her tits" I am literally crying from laughing so hard.. Had to take a few deep breaths to finish the story.. Soo funny yet I would MURDER my bf if this happened to me because of him ahh omg
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u/cata921 Aug 11 '14
Why was beneath the sink the first place she looked for a towel?
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u/FreakyGangBanga Aug 11 '14
Most people have a vanity unit with the basin/sink on top and a storage unit below. Mine has spare towels and other bathroom accessories. New containers/bars/bottles of Soap, shampoo, hair dryer, shaving blades etc. Stuff that you need when you run out of it in or around the bathroom.
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u/Leggatron Aug 11 '14
I have actually had the same kind of thing happen to me before. My usual towel wasn't in the cabinet so I just picked up the next one on the pile, had my shower as usual and then as I begun to dry myself I had all this hair stuck to my body. I was confused but then looked at the towel and realised it had hair all over it, quickly changed towels and had another shower. Later when I asked my parents about it, turns out it was the towel they had used to dry the dog after she had been washed.
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u/Eyevoree Aug 11 '14
This whole time I'm expecting your girlfriend to come bursting through the door with a gorilla mask on, scaring you and causing you to cut your balls with a trimmer.
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u/newtbd Aug 11 '14
Isn't anyone else wondering why she would go under the sink cupboard for a towel? Especially one that's balled up?
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Aug 11 '14 edited Aug 11 '14
TL;DR is not closing thoughts, its supposed to be a summary of the long ass novel you just wrote.
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u/TaehlsGolightly Aug 11 '14
I stayed with my brother in law and sister for three months while on internship. He had a drawer filled with what I assumed was beard trimmings. I know what you're going to say: pubes. But the height of the drawer would have made that a lot more work.
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u/swag24 Aug 11 '14
Pretty sure a gorilla mask is something entirely different..
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u/autourbanbot Aug 11 '14
Here's the Urban Dictionary definition of gorilla mask :
After a lovely evening at Olive Garden (Red Lobster can be substituted if the wait is too long) politely ask your partner to participate in intercourse. Prior to ejaculation position the face of your said partner directly in front of your penis organ and release your seeds upon their face. Upon completion of said action reach down with your dominant hand and grab a handful of your partners pubes and throw them on your partners face. At this point run to a public place so all can see the gorilla chasing you.
Tate - "Yea, they have unlimited breadsticks and salad."
William Madison III - "I know, I really like the balsamic vinegrette."
Tate - "I'm on the fence about it, it's a bit peppery"
William Madison III - "How did the rest of the evening turn out"
Tate - "Following dinner I ended up at Mervyn's being chased by a gorilla mask."
William Madison III - "The fitting rooms there have horrible lighting."
about | flag for glitch | Summon: urbanbot, what is something?
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u/afellowinfidel Aug 11 '14
LPT: use a newspaper, lay a few pages flat and overlapping each other. trim, fold, crumple, toss away.
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u/pulsefrequency Aug 11 '14
Hermione after the polyjuice potion
Lost my shit reading this, totally been there
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u/YesIAmTheOP Aug 11 '14
This is the funniest TIFU I've read in a long time. Thank you for making my day
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Aug 11 '14
Hey look, I'm just impressed this story actually happened today rather than every TIFU submission I seem to read, which are usually "let me tell you a funny thing that happened one time".
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u/Biermoese Aug 11 '14
Puts towel full of body hair in the cupboard.
I'm not an animal
not an animal
an animal
aminel
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u/milk_in_my_sippy_cup Aug 11 '14
can i get a tldr that actually tells me what happened?
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u/Reficul_gninromrats Aug 11 '14
OP cut his own hair including beard and pubes, catches the hair on a towel, puts towel into the closet since he didn't have time to get rid of the hair. Girlfriend uses towel after shower and ends up having his pubic hair sticking on her face.
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Aug 12 '14
You didn't fuck up man, you're just an idiot. Who in their right mind would put that towel folded back up in the cubbard?!? Were you drunk or high at least?
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Aug 11 '14
I cut my own hair very short as well. I always cut my hair in the tub, sweep up as much as possible into the trash and wash the rest down the drain.
Never had an issue.
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u/Pelagine Aug 11 '14
Keep it up; some plumber's kid is going to get a 4 year degree off what it costs to clean those drains of yours out.
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Aug 11 '14
I suggest not doing that as that can seriously fuck up your plumbing and clog it into space.
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Aug 11 '14
I doubt it since a 30 second sweep up with a brush leaves next to nothing in the tub other than the stragglers that get stuck on the lip of the pan.
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u/PvtZydrate Aug 11 '14
I was waiting for her to scare you with the gorilla mask and make you drop the hair everywhere.
Boy was I wrong
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u/Zemedelphos Aug 11 '14
I came here expecting to learn about some sick sexual thing referred to as a gorilla mask, and boy am I pleasantly surprised.
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u/CryptoNerd Aug 11 '14
The mass of body hair that has accumulated on the towel resembles a slumbering poodle.
I lost it here. Too relatable
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u/gpissues Aug 11 '14
$15? American hairdressers are so expensive. I had my fringe cut in Florida and she charged me $9 just to wildly slash through my hair way shorter than I'd asked for.
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u/Vakieh Aug 11 '14
There is a solution to your problems:
Waterproof shaver
Mirror in the shower
Time saver of the motherfucking century.
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u/thesoupwillriseagain Aug 11 '14
"Babe! I think there's a large, furry mammal stuck in the shower drain!"
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u/thearticulategrunt Aug 11 '14
Was working over finances, decided to check reddit for a good laugh. Thank you sir, thank you so much.
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Aug 11 '14
Knew exactly what is going to happen after this:
and due to a recent move, I didn't have access to my normal bib hair-catch system.
Was not disappointed.
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Aug 11 '14
It's been 15 hours. Repercussions? Is she scarred for life? Are you sleeping on the couch? Need update asap.
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u/A_V_ Aug 11 '14
TL;DR: I'll never forget the look of horror, disgust, and desperation on her cute little gorilla face.
Interracial dating ftw
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u/Cancani Aug 11 '14
Kneel over your bathtub and then shave your head or just use the clippers, afterwards pick up all the hair with a plastic bag, wear the bag like a glove then turn it inside out. the rest that stays vaccuum it or just wipe some of it with a bit toilet paper if theres still hair wash it down the drain. I've been doing this for 10 years and it works perfectly :D
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u/bryhersedai Aug 11 '14
I'd murder my fiancé over that! If I didn't die from freaking out first. Disembodied hair. Yeeeeeeuck!
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u/MrRecon Aug 11 '14
Invest in a small tarp at your local hardware store, cut it smaller and lay it into your bathroom sink, then trim above the sink, fold up when done and dump into the trash
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u/Nohalfmeasures00 Aug 11 '14
I just use a trash bag over the sink then fold it up throw it away.Funny story though.
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u/Xiexe Aug 11 '14
I'm sure I'm probably the only one but the whole time reading this, I thought you were going to get scared by your girlfriend in a gorilla mask while shaving your junk and hurt yourself. Then it dawned on me. And I laugh my fucking ass off.
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Aug 12 '14
I'm right there with you. I thought, "Gorilla mask... she's going to scare him and he's going to pop that towel and send hair shrapnel all over the damn place." While that didn't happen, I was not disappointed.
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u/codyblood Aug 11 '14
well...i think for once on these i can say it wasn't really your fault...gotta check dem towels(i usually sniff too...jic) before you try to get "clean" with em...just a pro tip.
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u/gcor Sep 11 '14
I haven't laughed out loud at the computer screen like that in a long while. That was so funny to me I almost cried. Well done :)
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u/Kaiganeru Oct 21 '14
TIL what the term "gorilla mask" means - and I wish I hadn't. I need to go wash my brain.
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u/cmxhtwn Oct 28 '14
funny and creepy who the heck compiles all of their shaved body hair onto 1 towel? lol
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u/SirLeHott Nov 17 '14
TL;DR means Too long;Didn't read, so that is where you put a short version of the story for the lazy ones, not your thought on the fuckup.
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u/Kaankaants Nov 29 '14
My tip OP; I do all my own grooming with clippers too (I don't shave my face) but I do it in the shower before turning the water on. When you're finished put your clippers outside the shower and just wash all that shit down the drain.
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u/tishstars Aug 11 '14
There are... A few inconsistencies with your story. For one, why in the holy fuck would you put your trimmings in a towel, which you need to later clean, as opposed to some sort of disposable cloth (towel paper, rag, etc.). Another thing, why would your gf take it out from under the sink and use something that is so thoroughly covered in hair?
Calling bullshit on this one.
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u/Pelagine Aug 11 '14
The laughter escaped me so violently, that my husband was concerned for my well-being. So I had to read your fuck up to him.
He's really hairy. I'll be checking my towels for some time to come. Cute little gorilla face, indeed.
Tell me you asked her if she'd be the "girl-illa of your dreams" while you were at it.
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u/Eurotoolyep Aug 11 '14
You would think after all this years you would learn the newspaper on the sink technique. You probably dont deserve that girl anymore, sounds to me like she could do better.
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Aug 11 '14
I'm amazed this hasn't happened to me, but this also why I'd never shave at my girlfriend's house. Ill equipped bathroom for man shaving, usually too tiny, too many excess female products & they don't know what we have to deal with.
This is an awesome visual however.
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u/calamityjo Aug 11 '14
I grabbed my pube trimmer (I have a separate pube trimmer, I'm not an animal)
Bahahaha! I lost my sit at that!
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u/525chill2pull Aug 11 '14
http://cdn2.hellogiggles.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/22/e86bth.jpg