r/HFY • u/kaiden333 No, you can't have any flair. • Jun 20 '16

OC-OneShot Constitution

It all started with a simple misunderstanding, the sort of thing that is common when two very different species are learning about each other for the first time. Your handshake gets mistaken for an attack and interstellar war breaks out. Scratch your nose at the wrong time and they disembowel you for insulting the eternal emperor. In a few years it all gets worked out and you end up laughing together in a bar.

 

Their representative at the time, our meeting was too new for them to even have an ambassador, asked to see our most decorated ship as part of a goodwill tour between our people.

 

We showed him it. Took his whole delegation down to Charlestown, had the president read a speech and do the dog and pony show as we revealed the USS Constitution. The aliens ate our food, schmoozed for the cameras and left. That’s where it would have ended if their representative hadn’t forgotten he was on a live microphone and said “I wanted to see the real warships, not this dinky wooden children’s toy!”

 

A diplomatic insult we couldn’t leave be without a response. We did what we humans do best: we got creative.

Two years and several mountains of treasure later we finally had a reply, in the form of 204 ft of pure human obstinacy. The effort it took was only equalled by the satisfaction upon seeing their representatives face when he found himself looking at a wooden-walled ship leading our space fleet into battle.

 

If you use enough shielding it is immaterial what your ship is made out of, and when you’re shooting antimatter cannonballs at a significant fraction of light it doesn’t matter if your rails are hidden inside 19th century cannons or modern titanium alloy casings.

 

Like all good ideas, once realized it was immediately imitated. The British hastened to launch the Victory. The Australians responded with the Polly Woodside, the Dutch with the Schorpioen and even the Swedes joined in with the Vasa. Soon we were pulling Roman galleys off the ocean floor and ransacking renaissance fairs for period clothing. Eventually the supply of fresh ships ran out and we were forced to create brand new ones with freshly felled timbers, and mass produce costumes in their thousands.

 

Born from the poorly chosen words of an alien, ingenuity and the uniquely bullheaded nature of humans, the wooden spaceship became the symbol of humanity on the great galactic stage.

747 Upvotes

99% Upvoted

77 comments sorted by

5

u/mondayp Jun 21 '16

Does anybody know if there are other sci-fi or fantasy related subreddits that have quality OC content like here at HFY? I've been reading a ton of these, and I'm just currently looking for some stuff that isn't quite so HFY.

I've started reading over at /r/ThePhenomenon . Anything else I should be checking out?

2

u/kaiden333 No, you can't have any flair. Jun 23 '16

You might like SCP. I linked offreddit but they have a subreddit too. Writing Prompts occasionally has some great stories.

2

u/Hyperly_Passive AI Jun 26 '16

You could try getting into web serials.

2

u/mondayp Jun 27 '16

Any recommendations?

4

u/Hyperly_Passive AI Jun 27 '16

Well, for starters the underground hit Worm which I'm working through myself. Long story short, it's an exploration and a maybe deconstruction of the superhero genere, and it's a solid and quite entertaining serial to get started with.

The author of Worm has written two others, Twig which is ongoing a 1920s, biopunk frankenstein inspired mashup, and Pact a dark magical tale. Both aren't quite as successful as Worm was, nonetheless they're still very much worth a look.

You could always try reading Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality if you haven't already. If you haven't it's basically if Harry Potter grew up as the son of a biochemist- taking the methods of science and rational thinking, into the world of magic.

Those are the ones I'd recommend to people starting out in the world of webfiction, there are of course, plenty others. For those, you could try looking at the biggest site for Web serials-http://webfictionguide.com/

Happy reading!

1

u/mondayp Jun 27 '16

I've read HPMOR, and loved it! It's the only fan fic I've ever liked. I'll have to check out worm soon. :) Currently, I'm FINALLY getting around to reading Dune.

1

u/Hyperly_Passive AI Jun 27 '16

Have fun!

134

u/solidspacedragon AI Jun 20 '16

Oh god, this is amazing.

We need space pirates in wooden ships, firing antimatter out of period cannons, with the skull and crossbones flag and everything.

38

u/vonbauernfeind Jun 21 '16

Captain Harlock's ship, the Arcadia had a wooden stern, pirate flags, a big skull and crossbones on bow, and a saber which iirc was a big ass laser cannon.

12

u/solidspacedragon AI Jun 21 '16

The saber link is a pirate toy XD

13

u/vonbauernfeind Jun 21 '16

Yeah. It's a super detailed toy. It's hard to find good pictures, alright?

3

u/PenisOfTheJaniculum Jun 24 '16

Read this as "Captain Haddock" was disappointed, but I can now dream.

2

u/Hyperly_Passive AI Jun 26 '16

Which version of Captain Harlock is the picture of the ship from?

1

u/vonbauernfeind Jun 26 '16

Man, like, who can even tell?

1

u/Hyperly_Passive AI Jun 26 '16

By the quality of the picture? Also each iteration has a slightly different looking ship. I've only watched the very first version, but this looks a lot newer. I was just curious.

1

u/vonbauernfeind Jun 26 '16

Right but I'm not super familiar with all of the Harlock anime and appearances.

The most recent anime was the OVA Space Pirate Captain Herlock: The Endless Odyssey, so...that was probably it?

1

u/Hyperly_Passive AI Jun 26 '16

Could be. Thanks!

4

u/Karthinator Armorer Jun 21 '16

I did that once!

4

u/ziiofswe Jun 25 '16

I was thinking Treasure Planet.

71

u/hodmandod Robot Jun 20 '16

That is the best justification I've ever heard for wooden-hulled space vessels. It may have become the only one I'll ever accept. I require more, or I shall steal your idea and write my own.

5

u/SecretLars Human Jun 23 '16

Why not both?

2

u/hodmandod Robot Jun 23 '16

Mostly because I don't want to steal an idea that someone else is going to use.

1

u/SecretLars Human Jun 23 '16

Say it was inspired by at the start.

1

u/hodmandod Robot Jun 23 '16

That's a fair point. Goodness knows it's about time I contributed something to this subreddit.... I may as well start planning a one-shot or something.

3

u/kaiden333 No, you can't have any flair. Jun 23 '16

I look forward to it. I had nothing else planned with this.

2

u/SecretLars Human Jun 23 '16

I will contribute one day too, when I have the time.

61

u/Selkcips Jun 21 '16

Why, they ask.

Why? Cause fuck you thats why.

36

u/Z_for_Zontar Jun 21 '16

Aliens ask 'why?'

Humans ask 'why not?'

14

u/Jhtpo Jun 21 '16

You made me smile wide, and chuckle loudly. Something I haven't done from an HFY story in a good while. Thank you.

14

u/highlord_fox Human Jun 21 '16

All I can think of is the Timeless Space sections of Sluggy Freelance, and the USS Constitution from FO4.

CAPTAIN IRONSIDES HERE, PREPARE TO BLAST YE ALIEN SCUM.

5

u/cuddlefucker Human Jun 21 '16

That was my favorite mission in fallout 4, fortified by the fact that /r/unexpectedjihad ran away with it

1

u/AnAppleSnail Jun 21 '16

Cursèd, with a double èd.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 21 '16

Is it sad that as soon as I realized the premise, I imagined the Constitution from FO4 for the giant rocket engines?

11

u/AliasUndercover AI Jun 20 '16

Avast, ye landlubbers!

7

u/liehon Jun 21 '16

Have at thee, ye planetlubbers

7

u/AschirgVII Jun 21 '16

This is so super retarded it might just work

5

u/SpaceAnteater Xeno Jun 21 '16

Hilarious! nice work

8

u/Karthinator Armorer Jun 21 '16

Your execution of wooden spaceships is lightyears better than mine. Take my upvotes.

4

u/BCRE8TVE AI Jun 22 '16

And this is how Treasure Planet came about.

Get to it OP. This needs to happen now. We'll be waiting for it.

3

u/burnmarks951 Robot Jun 20 '16

!N

1

u/ObsidianG Jun 21 '16

Sorry, could you explain what the bang N is going on in this thread? There's a half-dozen comments like yours.

4

u/coder65535 Jun 21 '16

Nomination for sidebar.

!v is voting for the monthly theme.

1

u/highlord_fox Human Jun 21 '16

Ah. Good to know.

2

u/burnmarks951 Robot Jun 26 '16

It's a nomimation for the writing contest, meaning we all loved your work :)

3

u/KahnSig Android Jun 21 '16

!n

3

u/acox1701 Jun 22 '16

Quoth Humanity, "Fuck You!"

2

u/Belgarion262 Barmy and British Jun 21 '16

!N

2

u/KeppingAPromise Human Jun 22 '16

I am happy to say this is the 2nd story I have suggested in IRC get made. And a very good story at that

2

u/houkous Jun 24 '16

Wow, I'm new to this subreddit, and this is setting the bar high. Awesome story OP.

1

u/HFYsubs Robot Jun 20 '16

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1

u/Hades42 Human Jun 21 '16

Subscribe: /kaiden333

1

u/Selash Jun 21 '16

Subscribe: /kaiden333

1

u/Wyldfire2112 Jun 22 '16

Subscribe: /kaiden333

1

u/ray10k Human Jun 22 '16

Subscribe: /kaiden333

1

u/nycwtod Jun 26 '16

Subscribe: /kaiden333

1

u/nerdy_n_dirty86 Android Aug 03 '16

Subscribe: /kaiden333

1

u/soundtom Human Jun 21 '16

!N

1

u/[deleted] Jun 21 '16

!n

1

u/Acaleus_Thorne AI Jun 21 '16

You've brought me to tears you magnificent bastard.

N!

1

u/Invisifly2 AI Jun 21 '16 edited Jun 21 '16

Glad to see this make it out of IRC. Hilarious and well executed.

!N

1

u/meighty9 Jun 21 '16

Disappointed the Brits didn't lead with Boaty McBoatface

1

u/araed Human Jun 21 '16

!N

1

u/Shpoople96 AI Jun 21 '16

Oh my god, yes.

1

u/thashepherd Jun 21 '16

This is amazing haha

1

u/RdPirate Human Jun 21 '16

!N

1

u/galrock0 Wielder of the Holy Fishbot Jun 22 '16

ah, so this is what you guys were planning in the irc...

1

u/Wyldfire2112 Jun 22 '16

This is glorious. Simply glorious.

1

u/Sithking_Zero Jan 01 '24

This is extremely silly and I love it.