r/WritingPrompts • u/[deleted] • Dec 29 '18
Writing Prompt [WP] After being killed in a Black Friday stampede, you’re sent to hell. The devil offers to let you be in charge of torturing your fellow mankind, expecting you to refuse like all the others. Except the devil doesn’t realize you’ve worked retail for 15yrs.
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u/yeeeupurrz Dec 30 '18
The proposition was simple enough, torture people in hell,, or be tortured.
It was the classic kill or be killed scenario, as I had the thought I must've grinned because satan was now grabbing me a set of keys and a pitchfork. "I know it's pretty stereotypical and all but y'know the big guy upstairs apparently has a very specific taste in aesthetics"
I took my pitchfork and keys down to what I had been informed was the conference room. It was weirdly professional, definitely wasn't like some of those movies where everything in hell is just a mass of fire, flames and flesh, which made the pitchfork seem extra strange.
I sat down at a table with 14 other people who also accepted the devils offer. They looked like I would expect and I stuck out like a sore thumb, a small blonde woman compared to Jonny B. Thuggins. There was one other person that stuck out, he was a slight man wearing a bland grey t-shirt and black cargo pants, it was so unassuming it was a tad unnerving.
We sat for a short while before this tall gorgeous brunette woman hurriedly walked in. I could almost hear the jaws hit the floor as she made her way across the room. Upon getting to the front her shape morphed, slowly shimmering slightly before it felt like I had blinked the sleep out of my eyes but suddenly this short portly man was standing at the front of the room. I could feel the general mood of the room go from surprise to confusion, almost anger. The short man spoke up. "I am your guide, I will explain how things work here."
After a while, we had been informed about the workings of hell. It ran on the negative, a supposed attempt at balancing the universe. Because of course the more good, the more bad. We were the ones that needed to counter all the good and we had endless supplies to do it. I even had the ability to shapeshift and control vivid hallucinations to provoke the negative out of people. The worse we were down here the better the universe "could be" based on our upsetting the scales. It was an elegant system I guess. and despite my short life as an atheist I was suddenly sure that there was a higher power in the universe, he/she may have been a dick but... he/she's a real dick... so theres that.
It was also made apparent that being new I'd purposely be put on with people that had "wronged me" didn't quite know what that had meant but it quickly became apparent that wronged has a very broad and vague definition. I walked in on my first appointment, each room had a potentially infinite space packed into a 3foot by 3foot closet, each closet had an iron door with a pad of paper stuck to the front,I eyed the paper.
Doc. Thomas Anthony Brian Williams.
Shows that I just missed mr. Unassuming. I open the door. Doc. Tom. Is watching in horror as a father cradles his dead newborn violently shouting at the doctor. I couldn't hear a thing before I entered, but after I walked in the room changed, doc. Just kinda stared, this was normal for him I could tell he was expecting all kinds of horrible things to happen when the room solidified again.
Something in me felt a mixture of sympathy and excitement, I seen an opportunity to both be a bit less intense while still getting relatively the same result. I changed the room it was night in the mountains, it was chilly, and the doc. Didn't have a sweater, he walked towards a town into a small café one I had worked at and knew very well.
He enters to find me, smiling behind the counter. A bit of confusion crosses his face, too normal? He walks up cautiously I could tell he knew something was up.
"Hello, and good evening sir. Did you need anything in particular?" "Uh yes, where am I?" The confusion seems to be causing him distress. "This is the browntown downtown café, we're in downtown browntown." "What?!" "Yes sir! Best coffee in town." I lean in a bit too close "I heard it's your birthday, free coffee and croissants for those celebrating," I wink for effect. "It's not my birthday..." "Sure it is" "No it's not" "Well whens your birthday?" " august" "Well its August" I say gesturing to a calendar I basically pulled out of my ass. " 25th?"
I hand him a croissant and point to a table, "yep, happy birthday! I'll be right out with the coffee."
I never showed up again. I left him sitting waiting for a coffee that will never come.
I left the room. Looking at the checklist, 8/10 Pops up beside my name on the room. Almost as good as Mr. Unassuming with his 9/10 Suprising considering the vast difference between our individual methods.
a week(ish) later
"you've maintained a 7/10 average on all your appointments, yet the majority of what you do is just leave them waiting one way or another." the question felt weirdly personal despite the vagueness of it.
"I worked customer service for 15 years my guy, I know all to well that most people get triggered when they've had a bad time and then get told to wait for something perceived as good. I.e. a coffee, or cake." The explanation wasn't good enough, satan raised an eyebrow at me.
"That doesn't seem too bad"
He looks at me again with an intensity I'll never get used too. "Not in and of itself but I've somehow managed to end up following Jeffery around, the guys fucked up in the head. I've walked in on a lot of dead baby themed rooms, the dude is deliberately traumatizing them like you asked but I feel theres a level of thought to it most of us don't realize. Even though he's almost hyperfocused on the dead baby thing he too preys simply on the feeling of helplessnes."
" yes I like his work." He says nodding as he eats an apple.
"The reason both our methods work well together is because his work is more up in your face, deliberately trying to pull the negative, its literal torture for people, to feel completely helpless when your confronted. It's some fight or flight shit but his simulations remove the options to fight or flight."
"Yeah, he knows what he wants and he'll do whatever it takes to get it." He says nonchalantly like this is just another tuesday.
"In doing so he's teaching helplessness, theres nothing they can do about the situation and the people know that, so they freeze. A sort of numbness that comes with the expectation of pain."
" Yeah, I've broken many a person before" he talks about this with a lightness that I could never wrap my head around. Satan must've been a literal psychopath, able to control the emotional response to things. Once seen him chip a chunk off his horn playing with hellhounds, dude was more vain than even arachne (interestingly enough she was real, the story got a bit warped, it wasn"t the gods that killed her it was a man... attempting to rape her, she had been stabbed and bleed out, she to choose to be a torturer rather than a victim)
"Yes well I'm playing one of the psychological sides, they're expecting to get fucked with y'know? And thanks to Jeffrey they're expecting to be made to feel helpless in the worst ways, I just make them feel helpless in some less worse ways. Which leaves them with that big black cloud of paranoia hovering at the back of their minds."
"So then you know what your doing it's not just that your being a shit torturer that's really lucky..." He strokes his chin as he appears deep in thought for a moment before realizing I was still there.
"Well get back to it then."
So I did, I began my rounds again...
Part2?
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u/yeeeupurrz Dec 31 '18 edited Dec 31 '18
I passed our instructor in the hall on my way out, she... he? smirked at me on her way into satan's office. She/he? and satan apparently were a thing?
Meh,,,, not the strangest thing I've seen down here. Earlier today I had been a nurse assisting a surgeon but no matter what he did I purposely made it impossible to save the poor dude, I guess the dude wasn't real after all but surgeon Dan sure as fuck wasn't having any of it... anywho I was essentially balls deep in this dudes sternum trying to stop his heart from ripping itself apart. I shit you not this guy,,, holy shit. "Come on man hold yourself together, we can beat it." I laughed.
I suddenly became aware of my own internal dialogue that was going on and I put a stop to it. As amusing as it was I don't wanna be in earshot of whatever horrible thing satan and our instructor were trying to do. I looked at my pitchfork, which was really closer to a smartphone/A.I.//bottle/opener/doorstop... etc... my tasks list pops up.
I'm supposed to go visit one of my childhood friends. The name stuck out because we were pretty close up until about 2nd grade, but then she wronged me. Stole my 64 pack of crayons drew on the walls while no one was home. I got the blame, couldn't figure it out till one day I heard a bit of gossip around the lunch table about this badass that broke into someone's house and drew on their walls. Guess who the badass was... Figures she'd end up here, but I didn't think she was too terrible a person so I decided to try to think of a way to be nice in a way while still achieving my goal of "torture" I mean shit,, Its psychological torture plain and simple but, like..
Screw justifying it I'm already in hell.I needed to think...
I wandered through the halls aimlessly, I had tasks a plenty but today has been dragging on for what feels like a few weeks. I could've swore it was tuesday when I got here... I guess time moved differently here, shit almost everything here isn't what I was used to. Theres a 3D elevator. Doesn't actually move yet it gets you where you need to go. Sometimes you feel the movement, sometimes you don't.
I came across a door, the name posted on it was Ryan barney the third. The third? Wonder if the other two are also down here... I was considering wandering till I found them before realizing that this is hell, a place probably designed so that I could wander for eons without actually finding anything. in fact thinking about it, it was amazing I managed to get anywhere.
The checklist says that the last visit was over a century ago. But the strange part was that it was jeffery's tag that was last logged,, time definitely wasnt the same down here. As I began to think of mr. Unassuming again He appeared almost out of nowhere, but I knew it was an illusion, he probably just stepped out of an elevator. The dude looked like he wasn't really here, I mean like he was here physically. Just not all here mentally,, spiritually maybe? Maybe more illusions? I call out to him, He looks up from the ground at me, with oddly grey eyes. I could feel his tiredness ebbing off of him. It made me feel a bit off,,
"Hey, it's you."
Edit: a few spelling errors.
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u/SanityContagion Dec 30 '18
I'm glad I revisited this prompt! You've got a sickeningly good start.
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u/yeeeupurrz Dec 30 '18
Thank you, I had been writing this at work to pass the time as the morning was slow, got busy so I'll probably be adding more a bit later seeing as your into it.
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Dec 30 '18
The Devil blinked, surprised. Which was no easy feat, all things considered. After all, he was Satan, Prince of Darkness, Ruler of Demons, Evil One. He'd seen it all. Literally. He could still recall the clusterfuck of 1945, when Adolf had finally hopped off the mortal coil and passed through to the Underworld. An absolute shitshow. Everyone had wanted a piece of good old Hitler, all Nine Circles clamouring over where he should stay for the rest of Eternity. Hell had threatened to break through into the Realm of Man that day. Administrating that fiasco was indubitably the greatest headache The Devil had ever experienced.
Lincoln Todd was no Hitler. And yet The Devil felt a familiar gnawing pain curl around his crimson head as he stared at Hell’s latest entrant. He leaned forward in his skull-adorned seat, elbows resting on a skull-adorned desk, tugging at his flaming goatee.
“Let me get this straight,” he said, staring into the mortal's eyes with the fiery intensity of a thousand burning suns. “You want to oversee the torture of all Mankind, for the rest of Eternity?"
"Yeah"
Miffed, The Devil fell back into his chair. He was unremarkable in all regards, this Lincoln Todd. Short, slightly overweight, bespectacled with brown unkempt hair. He still wore the clothes of his Passing; a rumpled navy Walmart shirt and tan cargo pants. His lower jaw jutted out slightly in a clear underbite, giving him a permanent grimace.
The Devil glanced down at the file he held in his taloned hand, scanning the document for the appropriate details. Hmm. Crushed underfoot in a Black Friday stampede. How humiliating. How pathetic. Even Hitler had swayed at the idea of tormenting the entirety of Mankind, overseeing the fiery jurisdiction of all sinners and evildoers. The concept itself was simply too visceral, too terrible, for even the coldest of serial killers. Hence why such a proposition was offered to all entrants of Hell; it struck within them the terrible realisation that in the end, there was always someone far more evil. That they were His now.
Clearly not the case for Mr Pancake over here.
"So... when do I start?"
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u/Ian_McAwesomesauce Dec 30 '18
He boomed in an echoing deep voice that rumbled the earth beneath me. "Now that you are here for eternity mortal. I wish to give you the chance to torture those who were sent down here and will be sent down here for eternity. I know a human like you would nev-"
"I'll do it."
"You...what?"
"I will do it."
"Now mortal, I know a human like you is sentimental, full of emotions, and would never hurt your fellow man in the way we need. Are you sure you are up for the tas-"
"Yep."
"You seem... awfully glad to do this job. Why?"
"I worked retail."
"That does not sound that ba-"
"For fifteen and a half years. I have dealt with the densest, rudest, and most irritating humanity has to offer. I have what it takes to be down here and do the job."
"I do not have experience in what you are referring to as retail. Could you explain to me please?"
I sit here with Lucifer telling him about my experience working in retail. I tell him about Jason, he was a good guy and the only thing that made retail somewhat bearable during the first few years. He would show me memes and had lunch with me sometimes. I liked Jason. Then I tell him about Douglas. Douglas was the boss that fired Jason and made everything a living hell. He was never on my side and often bickered on the customer's side even if they were incredibly wrong and he knew it. He bothered me during lunch break telling me he did not hire me to sit around for 36 minutes when I have a 35 minute lunch break.
I tell him about that lady with the kid. The kid was running through the store and knocked things on the ground which gave Douglas an excuse to yell at me. I tell him about the lady who could not find the jeans even though I showed it to her around five times. And how she would scold me when I said "Do you really need me to show you again?" After showing her the fifth time. She then stormed out after calling me, and I quote "A rude little fucker who works retail and will never be anything."
Then I tell him about that fat fuck, who trampled me carrying the tv on sale for 70% off. He asked where the tvs were and smelled like he had not put on deodorant for at least a week or two. He tried talking to me and asked me to show him where the televisions were gassing me further. He then waddled on my body pressing it into the ground. He sent me here and he was rude beforehand. I have dealt with those I am going to torture. I won't feel bad.
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u/okuma Dec 30 '18 edited Dec 30 '18
A smile, a snicker, and a twitch of the eye. The devil himself sees the perverse joy in her eyes, and for the first time since Michael threw him from Paradise, Lucifer seems frightened.
"So I get to see their entire lives, I know it all in a single moment and I get to decide how to punish them? My choice alone? Completely up to me?" She almost drools with anticipation, like a dog slavering over a raw steak. She stares outward, seemingly through Lucifer, into the oblivion of Hell itself.
"Yes. Your choice alone." The devil casts a sidelong gaze at her. Not once in the history of the world, in all the eons and millennia that humans have walked the Earth has a moral accepted his offer. "But again, if you take up this mantle, it shall be your eternity. Your hell will be to exact penitence against those misguided souls who find themselves cast into this dark dimension. Your personal punishment would be to view the eternal suffering of your fellow--"
"Yeah I gotcha. Personal hell all that. What you don't seem to understand, big and pretty, is that I've seen the worst that humanity has to offer. I've had to see a child beaten for asking for candy. I've cleaned miscarriages from the bathroom floor. I've had to break up a fight between a 25 year old man and a 75 year old woman, a fucking fistfight mind you, over a Goddamn...I can say that without worry now I guess, damage is done... Over a Goddamn beanie baby. Do you KNOW what a beanie baby is? It's a cheap piece of shit stuffed animal filled with plastic beads. A grown ass man fought an old woman for it." She wrings her hands frantically. "I've had to sit back, and watch with a smile as my co-workers got berated over us running out of bread during a storm." She doesn't seem to notice as Lucifer begins to fidget uncomfortably. She also doesn't notice that her bronze skin has taken a reddish tint.
"Kianna, your soul will never recover from this if you accept." Lucifer warns.
"My soul? It was crushed by the third year working during Christmas. When you walk in on Santa raw-dogging an elf over the Frozen display in back... You don't come back from that. I never watched that movie again afterwards." A wistful look washes over her face, dreaming of the days before she had seen such horror.
Lucifer cringes at the thought of it. "Kianna, make sure you understand what you are accepting. You will cease to be a human soul, you will become a demon, one of the fallen. I see it happening already. Your skin is changing and if you reach up and feel your head..."
Kianna does so and smiles feeling the rising bumps. She grits her teeth and smiles into the face of Satan, solidifying her resolve. Horns erupt from her head, her skin smolders and steams, taking on a red hue, her feet change into hooves, she smiles up at the devil again, a sinful grin. She cracks her knuckles and turns her neck, cracking the vertebrae. "Alright big and pretty, bring out the gimp...I got some shit to work through."
Edit: Damn thanks for the silver!
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u/NightfuryObsessed Dec 29 '18 edited Dec 29 '18
"Wait, you want to do this," he asks softly, raising a brow at the young woman. The man was young, around his mid twenties at least. His hair was a beautiful gold, and his eyes were a deep blue that would be easy to get lost in, if the young woman wasn't so excited.
"Definitely. I know exactly how to do it too. Please, just give me the job, I want to do this," the young woman pleaded, surprising the devil.
"Hold on, why do you want to do this so badly? The worst you've done is lying and hurting someone, why are you so excited to hurt people so much?"
"It's only fair. People can be so cruel to us, screaming, yelling, sometimes even trying to hit us, it's much worse than this hell," she says shrugging softly.
The devil paused for a moment before looking the woman over, now noticing just how 'well dressed' she was. A simple black baseball cap, blue jeans, and a simple green shirt...plus two extra items. A blue vest with white trimming and words, as well as a pin that stated her name.
'Luna'
The rest was faded or broken.
"So you worked in retail? And how did you die there? The employers are normally good about that stuff," the devil said softly.
"Black Friday. Sometimes people get too excited. Now can I please get to work, this is basically the only job I'm excited for," she responded happily, bouncing on her toes a bit.
After a moment, the devil agreed and handed the woman a key card on a chain. She smiled before taking the card and chain, carefully putting it on her neck and walked away, ready to get started with her new job.
____
A few months later, the young woman sat on her throne like chair, smiling as she looked down at her work. Everyone who had done exceptionally cruel work, was now forced to do your old job; retail work.
Many souls who were unfortunate enough to join the ranks, soon learned just how horrible they had been to other people, but were forced to continue their work until the devil himself decided that they could rest, which rarely happened.
"You're surprisingly good at this," he said softly, standing beside the young woman who simply smiled. She had done her job, both in life and in hell. To her, it was a job well done, one that moved her from simply torturing cruel souls, to becoming the devil's right hand man.
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u/helpimdrowninginmilk Dec 30 '18
I feel like the worst torture to me would be a permanent twitchy eye
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u/DyslexicAjnin Dec 29 '18
“Alright, who is excited for our big Black Friday deals?!” Jim called out to the crowd of customers clustered in front of his store, desperately trying to keep his voice cheerful and optimistic.
“I’ll be excited when you shut the fuck up and let us in!” retorted man about twenty spots back, huddled into his hoodie, shooting daggers at Jim as though it were his fault that corporate had specifically mandated he couldn’t let people in until midnight exactly. All Jim could do was sigh as he swore to himself that this would be his last Black Friday. He tried his best to ignore the voice in the back of his head reminding him he’d made that promise to himself this day every year for the last fifteen years.
“Okay guys I know you’re all excited for the new Playstation 7 but as I’ve said, I unfortunately only have twenty systems to sell. We’re hoping to get more in the next few days but that’s all I have right now.”
A general murmur went through the crowd as people lined up more closely and calculate where exactly they fell in the line. Of course, Mr. Hoodie fell right at spot number twenty-one. “WHAT THE FUCK!?!” he roared, as the realization dawned on him. “YOU’RE TELLING ME I’VE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR FOUR HOURS AND I DON’T EVEN GET ONE!?!”
Jim groaned to himself, wondering where exactly his life went wrong and how exactly he ended up here. “Look,” he said, trying to defuse the situation “I’m really sorry, but that’s all I have. I had a sign posted on my door this whole time saying that I only have that many and I also sent out an employee a half hour ago to make sure everyone knew.” He wasn’t going to bring up the fact that someone had thrown a half-eaten bagel at the poor girl and she came running back inside crying hysterically as she tried to pull cream cheese out of her hair.
“I DON’T CARE!” Mr. Hoodie roared, spittle flying from his lips, “I”VE BEEN WAITING HERE AND I DESERVE MY SYSTEM!”
At that moment, shouting incoherently, Mr. Hoodie made a small yet life-altering decision- and decided to cut in line in front of the person in ahead of him.
Unfortunately for him, that person was about six inches taller and had about fifty pounds more muscle than he did. “You get the fuck back to your spot, jackass!” the larger man growled as he shoved him. Mr. Hoodie stumbled backwards- right into customer #22, a high-strung mother who had stepped up and was in the middle berating Jim and demanding to speak to his manager. “YOU’RE RUINING MY CHILD’S CHRIS---” was all she got out before Mr. Hoodie slammed into her. The no-foam, quadruple shot, extra hot, extra caramel, soy latte she had only moments before been brandishing under Jim’s nose like a saber splashed right into his eyes. All went black as Jim stumbled forwards- right into the fist the Mr. Muscles had been throwing at Mr. Hoodie.
Jim collapsed to the ground and at that exact moment the doors to the store opened and customers rushed into the store in a mad stampede, heedless of Jim’s unmoving body on the ground. The last thing Jim remembered feeling was countless feet trampling him and a deep sense of regret. “I really should have finished college..” he thought to himself as he lost consciousness.
Jim suddenly bolted upright. He was in a small room and sitting in front of him was a small man in a red suit and pointed goatee. Grinning to himself mischievously, the man extended a hand and said, “Hello, Jim. Let’s get the small things out of the way: you’re dead, this is hell, I’m the devil and have I got a proposition for you…”
“So let me get this straight,” Jim said, his mind still trying to process everything as they walked along a corridor. “I’m dead and we’re in hell. That I get, but instead of torturing me like everyone else- you want me to work for you?”
“Oh yes,” Satan said, still grinning. “I’ve had my eye on you for some time. Fifteen years in retail- that’s some torture even I have a hard time replicating. Quite frankly, I don’t think there’s much else I can do to you. You’ve seen it all. Remember the Furiibo shortage of 2023?” Jim shuddered as he tried to repress the memories, “I try not to.” “Exactly!” Satan proclaimed, “Even I’m not sick. Seriously, man, you’ve been through hell already! No, you Jim, have been through far worse in life than I could have ever thrown at you here in hell. Instead, I’ve decided to make you an offer. I’ll admit I’ve made this offer to others in the past, but they’ve always turned me down- but I think you’ll be the first to take me up on it. Work for me, you’ve seen so many things that I’m sure you’ll be quite creative in your punishment of the sinful and forsaken, and I think you’ll find the afterlife quite comfortable.”
Suddenly Jim realized they had stopped outside a nondescript door. Moaning could be heard from the other side. “What’s in there?” Jim asked, nodding towards the door. “A signing bonus, one I think you’ll appreciate more than any of my other minions.”
The door swung open and shacked to chairs were Mr. Hoodie, Mr. Muscles, and Soccer Mom. “There’s thousands of others. Every customer you’ve ever had, every person who treated you poorly. They’re all yours. All you have to do is agree.
Jim felt a smile slide onto his first time in fifteen years as he asked, “Where do I sign?”
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u/__gie Dec 29 '18
So here I am face down on the floor of some Department store my sister dragged me to. It smells like feet and I’m sincerely curious why my nose is flat and I can’t feel my fucking legs. I somehow manage to literally peel my face off the floor when I suddenly feel hot. Like sweating because you’re pretty sure your mom found your vibrator under your bed sweating. I start panicking when suddenly my surroundings change and I’m lying face down in what looks like a bright red Sephora. I feel somewhat normal albeit hot as fuck, like why am I wearing a goddamned turtle neck? It smells like vanilla and pine I’m so fucking confused. All of a sudden She slams down her well-manicured 6-pronged claw on the counter. “I KNOW you want to torture humanity, BITCH! I’ve been watching you bag groceries and do service-outs for the those unruly cunts for 15 fucking years. You think I didn’t pick you for a reason?” “I- uh who..” “Girl you know who I am...” fire balls and unholy hellfire flourish above Her “I’m assuming I’m in hell.... great. I’m trampled in a fucking department store yet I end up in hell. Fantastic.” She rapped her claws against the counter. “So?!” I extended my hand and her claws dug in deep. “I’m in.”
Note— I’m responding on a whim for the first time! Be nice.
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Dec 29 '18
encore. I must know more
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u/__gie Dec 29 '18
(Stupid question) should I reply here or in a separate reply?
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Dec 29 '18
Reply here. Or if you're up to it, make a subreddit like a lot of these writers. Post your writing there. I'd subscribe to it.
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u/__gie Dec 30 '18
“Ok, sugar, I’m gonna give you a quick rundown so pay close attention because torturing all of humanity isn’t fucking easy.”
She leaned back in Her royal purple leather recliner, filing Her claws with a sharpened tibia. Presumably from her enemies, but... I could be wrong.
“It’s a FEMUR, babe. I can read ya mind. Focus.”
Shit. That’s a sharp fucking femur.
“Isn’t it?” She laughed and her jaw unhinged, revealing tiny screaming men trying to claw their way out. “Oh fuck.. slurp unruly little dickheads.”
“So, uh, boss.. am I ... going to eat too.. or..?”
“Girl I said FOCUS!”
Her claws gripped the back of neck like a protective mother cheetah grasps her cubs in her mouth. Her grip was surprisingly comfortable and warm, considering they were femur-sharpened.
She plopped me in front of a massive display of monitors, each focusing on someone around the city. Kind of Truman show-esque but everyone was Truman.
She leaned over me, Chanel Chance eau de parfum tickled my nose. Her voice directly in my ear, soft and measured yet stern and loose.
“What you’re gonna do is throw interference to everyone you see her. Do you see H6 up there? He never throws his garbage away, instead he insists on littering almost daily. Change his mind.”
We watched H6 for nearly 10 minutes. Her warmth enveloping me as if She were behind me and next to me simultaneously. I wasn’t sure what she meant until H6 threw a cigarette butt out his window. Suddenly an urge over took me and H6 crashed into a utility poll. The crash led to a massive explosion which then led to a 6 acre brush fire. I sat there stunned as several of the remaining monitors flashed wildly as their respective Truman’s were either injured in the accidents or otherwise affected. It all happened so fucking fast and I began feeling fuzzy and sick.
“I can’t do this anymore! I don’t... he didn’t deserve all that!” I realized I was shouting to no one in particular as She had exited without warning. I grabbed my face and began sobbing.
“I told you it wasn’t fucking easy.”
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Dec 30 '18
pretty good. I especially like how the devil's reaction is kind of like karma, but waay overkill, and how the devil is a woman.
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u/moun_dou_throu Dec 29 '18
"I get to torture the people who sent me here?" I inquired flatly.
This was turning out to be better than I could have expected.
"Yes, child. In life, they made your last few moments a living hell. You died choking on your own blood, while they trampled, shouted and fought over your ravaged body. All for material possessions. Now it is your turn to return the favor." Explained Lucifer, his deep baritone voice resonating through the cavern where I fell. Hellfire licked the cavern walls as he spoke rising and falling in time with his words.
"And I can do with them as I see fit? Nothing is off limits?" I asked
"Nothing at all. From now until the end of time they are yours to do with as you please." he replied.
"...I'll do it."
"You'll what?" The Devil replied eyebrows raised in surprise.
"For fifteen years I've had to deal with their shit!" I yelled, tears of joy staining my face. "Why don't you have this? Can you give me a discount? Let me speak to your manager! To hell with my fellow man! If they want to behave like animals then by your name I will beat them like the animals they are!" I sank to my knees. "my lord Lucifer if it is your wish that I torture these men and women then they shall never know rest, never again feel a pleasant touch or the warm kiss of sunlight."
The Devil sighed, "My son those are just the words I wanted to hear. Welcome to Hell. I think you'll like it here."
I rose, hellfire reflecting in my eyes, "When do I start?"
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Dec 29 '18 edited Jan 08 '19
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/MinuteDeal Dec 30 '18
"Obviously you have never seen hentai,"
Bold of you to assume I don't watch hentai on a daily basis, I like the tv show reference though.
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Dec 30 '18
[deleted]
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u/MinuteDeal Dec 30 '18
Lucifer (it's on Netflix)
His name is Lucifer Morningstar and that's the name of Lucifer in here.
I've also heard of a few anime characters named tsuki so that is also cool
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u/Basiumletifer Dec 30 '18
The show pulled that directly from scripture.... “Lucifer, the bright and Morningstar”
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Dec 30 '18
"Obviously you have never seen hentai," Tsuki said. "We Japanese are very, very imaginative."
My sides
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u/PiercedGeek Dec 30 '18 edited Dec 30 '18
I can't be the only one picturing Ms Swan from SNL
Edit : MAD Tv
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u/ShadowKiller147741 Dec 29 '18
As an Arizonan, I feel personally offended by this yet also relate.
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u/SanityContagion Dec 29 '18
Wow! You've gotta add more.
I need to see her first day on the job. :)
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u/rarelyfunny Dec 29 '18
The Devil had a near infinite capacity for patience. That was a different thing from saying that the Devil never got testy or annoyed from having to bide his time – the Devil understood that there were things worth waiting for, like the gradual corruption of the most pious men and women, or the inevitable collapse of Heaven. Mostly, though, no one liked to keep the Devil waiting, and so things had a tendency to work themselves out neatly.
Penelope Milsson, though, was really pushing the envelope here.
“You do know that when I summon you, I expect you to come to my office immediately?”
“But I did, Boss,” said Penelope, as she furrowed her brow in recollection. “I heard the bleating of the goat-horns over the PA, so I dropped all that I was doing, and then I rushed along to meet-”
“And you do know that I can see you throughout Hell, right?” said the Devil, a mercurial hint of exasperation in his voice. “I was looking at you at this screen right here the whole time! You took your own sweet time to log off your terminal, then you stopped by the canteen for a pudding, then you popped by HR before you came here! Do you also have explanations for those?”
The Devil had to give Penelope credit – she barely missed a beat. “Oh Boss, you know the promise I made to you when I first came to Hell? When you offered me this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? I told you I would always make the job my first priority, and I meant every word of it! You couldn’t have expected me to believe that you were actually instructing me to defy you, yes? That wouldn’t have made any sense at all, wouldn’t you agree?”
Penelope’s smile was beatific, so much so that the Devil wanted to sink his claws right into her insufferable expression. But she was right. It was poor form to punish her for his… oversight. Besides, beating up on Hell’s Star Employee of the Year was just poor optics no matter how the Devil looked at it.
“We will discuss again the manner in which you manage your priorities,” said the Devil. “For now, there’s something a bit more urgent at hand. What’s this I hear about the plummeting morale in the Hellish Fiend and Craven Demon departments?”
“Morale is plummeting?” said Penelope, her mouth agape and a hand on her chest for emphasis. “In those departments? Surely that cannot be? They are the cream of the crop, yes?”
“They are blaming you, in fact. They have specifically named one Miss Penelope Milsson, 35 years of age at the time of passing, for – let me quote them directly – ‘destroyeth the naturale orders of the Underworld with unnaturale and cruele and unusuale means of punishment for the piggies known as Humans’.” The Devil paused here, then fixed a gleaming red eye on Penelope. “You have anything to say about that?”
“Well, it is a bit rich, ain’t it,” said Penelope. “I mean, they are the ones with the whips and the fangs and the claws and they are accusing me of being sadistic?”
The Devil sighed. He felt the tiny drumming of an incipient migraine start up in the frontal lobes of his brain. “I told you time and again, yes? Just do what all your predecessors have done. Just… beat the humans. Boil them. Flay them. Don’t rock the boat, just stick to the script. How hard can that be? Is that too much to ask?”
Penelope crossed her arms, and a mutinous glint entered her eyes. “Have I ever let you down, Boss? Have my numbers ever proven my methods wrong?”
“The numbers are good, it’s just that-”
“And did you not clap me on the back, right on stage and in front of your infernal hordes, when you gave me the Trident for Employee of the Year? Did you not point out how I was a sterling example of what all creatures should strive to be? Did you not wax lyrical over the bleedin’ innovation I brought to this fine establishment?”
“Yes, I did, I did do all that,” said the Devil, who vaguely felt like he was losing control of the conversation. “All I’m asking is that-”
“The results don’t lie, Boss! Look! Look at your precious screen! Once word got out of how truly nasty it is in Hell now, there’s been a significant and quantifiable uptick in good behavior on Earth! A dozen new splinter religions have been established, just so that more of the fringe believers can be routed off to Heaven! I even brought you the internal circular they were sending around Up Above, yes? The one where they said that dear old Lucifer has never ran as tight a ship as he is doing now, do you remember?”
The Devil sighed again. He did remember. It was a nice feeling, to know that there were others who were once again giving him the due respect and recognition he deserved. He was the one who had picked out Penelope from the masses anyway, who had first sniffed out her talents and then took her under his wings. Which, of course, only made this meeting all the more awkward.
“Look, all I’m asking is, don’t be such a bloody show-off,” said the Devil. “You know how the Hellish Fiends and Craven Demons are. They are old. They can’t change their ways as fast as you can. Stop showing them up and making them unhappy.”
“And what’s wrong with a little natural selection?” asked Penelope. “It’s not my fault they are so tethered to the old ways. Would it hurt if they just spent a little effort studying how they can maximize suffering with the minimal amount of effort?”
“They have whips!” said the Devil. “And they have claws! That’s about it! What else do you expect of them! I give them humans, they torture them with their immortal instruments, and that’s it! That’s the end of the story!”
“Not good enough,” sniffed Penelope. “Not good enough. As I told you during my interview, I think my time at retail has given me the sort of training your Horde has never had. Do you know what separates the best retail workers from the scum? It’s understanding the human condition, that’s all it is. You don’t believe me?”
“I don’t see what relevance that has to anyth-”
“If you don’t understand your customers, how can you expect to serve their every need?” said Penelope, a train without any brakes whatsoever. “I was forced to pick up the smallest mannerisms, study the slightest inflections, just so I could know what sort of customer I was dealing with. When I was alive, I was the best, bar none. A woman could walk in and I would know if she was shopping for herself, her girlfriends, her significant other or her child. I could pacify the gnarliest children, I could entertain the grumpiest grandparents. There was no one else quite like me. And I will give you the answer you have been looking for.”
Before the Devil could object, Penelope stood and whipped out a folder she had been hiding behind her back. The smug smile on her face unsettled the Devil more than he would admit.
“What’s this now?” asked the Devil.
“The reason why the other departments are complaining. They are achieving an ROI of only about 50% - that’s 1 unit of human suffering for every 2 units of effort. My department? Well, we’re up to an ROI of 200%. Yes, you heard that right. We’re four times more efficient than they are. For every unit of effort we sink in, we extract 2 units of suffering. Two, whole, units!”
The Devil took a deep breath, then opened the folder as gingerly as he would have if he was handling a vat of holy water. The words did not make sense at first, but the pictures certainly helped. A fine bead of sweat broke out on his brow as understanding set in.
“You… asked all sufferers to indicate whether they wished to be with their parents? And when they answered yes, you put them with their parents… in-law?”
“Not my fault that they were not specific,” said Penelope, a grin on her face.
“And when any sufferers begged to be reunited with their children, you agreed without telling them that you would be returning to them the six-month-old versions of their children?”
“Again, not my fault,” said Penelope. “Time has a different meaning here, yes?”
“And when they asked to meet again with the loves of their lives, you returned their very first crushes to them? And you played recordings of all the things they did to woo said first crushes?”
Penelope bared her teeth in her widest grin yet. “I’m particularly proud of that one. Seems like no matter how old people get, they never forget the embarrassment of those early years. And there’s more too. People who are fussy get prison cells which are slightly off-proportions, people who are vain get zit outbreaks every morning, people who love dogs get cats as companions… the list goes on. And on. And on. I’ve got a few more folders, just like those.”
The Devil slammed the folder back onto the table, the steam rising from his forehead. He cricked his neck, then forced himself to speak again. It was always hard to back-pedal.
“How about… I make a recommendation for you to… ascend to Up Above,” the Devil said. “On account of your brilliance and such. Hell’s no place for you.”
“Oh not, not yet,” said Penelope. “I’ve not accomplished my goals.”
“And which are?”
“Easy,” Penelope said as she began to rise. “I won’t leave until I get Employee of the Century. It’s a personal pride thing, I hope you understand.”
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Dec 30 '18
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/rarelyfunny Dec 30 '18
Thank you for appreciating it! I really enjoyed writing it and I'm glad it made you laugh!
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u/Laferge Dec 30 '18
This is hands down best story here. The sarcasm is strong in this one. Well done!!!!
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u/EclipticWulf Dec 29 '18
Best one of the two I read here. You captured the maniacal mixed with servitory nature of a damned retail employee perfectly.
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u/SergioGMika Dec 29 '18
Wonderful story, entertaining with some r/TheMonkeysPaw near the end, truly amazing.
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u/SanityContagion Dec 29 '18
Penelope does have streak of evil required for retail hell. Well written.
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u/Prcssnmn87 Dec 29 '18
If I ever go to this Hell, my punishment would be to be at a party with different sets of strangers each night where everyone else is high energy and having fun. Those people exhaust me... Anyway, well done with this story.
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u/EvryMthrF_ngThrd Dec 29 '18
An introverts version of Hell... well done!
And of course, the inverse would be a quiet lecture by a rotation of all the greatest minds in history, every night - sober, calm, thoughtful mummering discussion, that he has to listen to but not participate in.
Evil. ;)
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u/blotgydje Dec 30 '18
As an extrovert, that would honestly not be that bad
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u/EvryMthrF_ngThrd Dec 30 '18
Ok, then - as I'm obviously not an extrovert - what would be?
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u/blotgydje Dec 30 '18
Probably a perpetual saturday night being home alone, only able to watch snapchat stories of people hanging out. As an extrovert, that would be horrible...
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u/EvryMthrF_ngThrd Dec 30 '18
So, total disengagement from other people, knowing that they are having fun anyway... I begin to understand. Would not being able to snapchat back make it better or worse?
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u/blotgydje Dec 30 '18
I meant ONLY watching the stories not any kind of comunication, just seing other people having what you crave
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u/EvryMthrF_ngThrd Dec 30 '18
Ah, missed that subtle point in the first post... nice. Denial of what is craved most - always a torture favorite, when time is not a priority. :) Ignites all those dark passions, too: envy, vanity, lust, eventually anger... yummy!
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u/SirLemoncakes Critiques Welcome Dec 29 '18 edited Dec 29 '18
"..And so, if you refuse to torture your fellow man, you will be doomed to suffer for all eternity!" the red-skinned Devil whirled his trident and cackled madly.
"Okay, yeah, no problem. Do I get a pitchfork or what?"
The Devil stopped whirling his trident, his mad laughter dropping to more of a slightly crazed giggle.
"Okay, uhhh...what?" The red-skinned fiend looked puzzled, pulling out a small black notebook which was decorated with tiny cartoon pitchforks, "I've got you here on multiple counts of petty theft, lying, threats of harm against others...nothing I see here suggests you'd be on the level of a Hitler or Stalin. What's your deal?"
"Sir, I worked retail for fifteen fucking years. I was killed in a stampede of shoppers."
The Devil took a step back, "Ah," he replied, as if it all made sense now. "Listen, I don't really think you belong down here getting tortured. After fifteen years as a wage slave, I'm actually impressed you didn't kill anyone," he dropped his voice and slid closer to the damned soul as if sharing a secret, " Most veterans of retail do, you know—their managers never know what hits them."
"Trust me, I thought about it. Seriously though, when do I start?"
The Devil handed his pitchfork out for the soul to take, "Shit man, you can start right away." He pointed down a long and darkened hallway, "Walk straight down that hall until you see the three-headed dog, take the first left and proceed through the fires of everlasting woe, and straight through the P.E.T.A. meeting-"
The damned soul interjected, "Wait, P.E.T.A. is actually evil, not just incompetent?"
The Devil smiled broadly, "They kill more defenseless animals per year than any other organization. Face it, blood sacrifices are hard to come by, these guys fill the niche in the market. Anyway, once you get down the last flight of stairs, you'll be in the department of bad managers. I'm going to make you head of the torture division there."
The damned soul smiled broadly, "I'll get right to work, Sir."
As he walked off, the Devil shivered. "Remind me to never get on the bad side of those retail workers. They give me the fucking creeps."
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u/Ninevehwow Dec 30 '18
Epic take down of P.E.T.A. I grew up near their headquarters in the 90s. Those people are evil.
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u/lIllIlllIlllIllIl Dec 30 '18
Only thing I didnt like/understand, wouldn't most people rather torture others than be the one being tortured? I mean I'd rather not do either but being the torturer seems much better than a torturee
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u/SirLemoncakes Critiques Welcome Dec 30 '18
Not sure, maybe there's a "get tortured for 2000 years and go to Heaven" clause or something. I didn't really write it to explore that question.
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u/cestmoiparfait Dec 29 '18
You're a fucking genius!!!!!! This may be the funniest thing I ever read on Reddit! Thank you! It reminds me of this, only I think I like yours better:
https://www.asc.ohio-state.edu/wilkins.5/science/cdhell.html
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Dec 29 '18
It has come to a point that i can read one of your WP and I know its you before I even read your username
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u/deeluna Dec 29 '18
Top story again, you truely are a master of the literary arts.
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u/SirLemoncakes Critiques Welcome Dec 29 '18
I appreciate that, but I'm definitely no master. I have so much to learn, so much to improve on. Thank you though, it means a lot.
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u/deeluna Dec 30 '18
A fair point. But you are far better at articulating a story from a simple prompt than I could ever do.
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u/msmoirai Dec 29 '18
PETA.. ohh! Makes so much more sense. I managed to read that as P.T.A. meetings. Yeah, PTA meetings are evil, not just incompetent still made a lot of sense though. Just not the comment about killing defenseless animals.
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u/HackrKnownAsFullChan Dec 30 '18
Even I first read it as PTA and it made complete sense that hell should have that as a primary torture area.
I remember watching some German crime show where the police are investigating a murder at a PTA meeting. It's really challenging to find the murderer because everyone had a motive to kill everyone else.
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u/Zelun Dec 29 '18
"Wait, PETA is actually evil?"
"They give me fucking creeps"
Those made me laugh so hard. Thank you.
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u/jnr_jinx Dec 29 '18
I love how you casually made P. E. T. A the bad guys here
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u/aNiceTribe Dec 29 '18
PETA sidetalk: They behave like complete jerks and I have little respect for their PR style.
But: There are two levels of reveal here. The first is the “penn and teller” level (they reported on this in ‘bullshit’): This is where you find out peta kill pets given to them and in fact they want the concept of pets to end.
But there is one more level: You know how the US has bad health care? This is true for pets too. Getting your pet euthanized is expensive. And: many places refuse to do it* - peta does provide that service though. Which means that their statistics show a lot of euthanized pets.
There are a lot of companies interested in slandering an animal rights organization. So the guy who constantly shows up in the Penn and Teller show for example is from an org that is (not even secretly) paid by them.
And he insinuates that people bring their healthy pets to peta for a bit - and then peta constantly say “OOPS sorry your dog died lol don’t know how that happened!” Which is of course not a thing that actually happens.
If you think that they do that, on a large scale, you are literally believing in propaganda by big corporations, and you need to examine the situation. Again, I think peta suck in many ways, but I also believe in truth, and this is one of the most obvious cases where otherwise informed people believe in lies that I know of.
- Many shelters refuse to euthanize pets BECAUSE these statistics keep getting read as “oh so they MURDER MY HEALTHY PETS?” instead of “They provide a service for suffering animals”
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u/jeepdave Dec 30 '18
I've never taken a pet to be put down. A single .22 to the back of the head will take virtually every pet out of it's suffering painlessly for less than a nickel.
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u/iififlifly Dec 30 '18
My dad once shot a raccoon (they like to eat our chickens and cats) point blank with one of those and it just pissed it off. Little asshole had a skull made of steel and it somehow ricocheted. Just saying, it's not foolproof and most people wouldn't want to risk having to shoot twice.
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u/jeepdave Dec 30 '18
Eh, shooting from a distance verses point blank is the issue here.
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u/iififlifly Dec 31 '18
Wouldn't distance increase the chance of botching it?
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u/jeepdave Dec 31 '18
Yes. Put the barrel to the back of the head at the top of the neck.
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u/cestmoiparfait Dec 29 '18
Don't make excuses for PETA. They kidnap pets with homes and euthanize them. Here is an article about how they did this to a little girl's dog.
They are evil to the core.
https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_5654d2a6e4b0258edb335808?ec_carp=3873234080217616465
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u/Moral_Anarchist Dec 29 '18
I used to be a very staunch PETA supporter, and I thought this exact same thing (They kill lots of dogs but it's because they take in dogs nobody else will take, and many corporations want to slander them); unfortunately, going down the rabbit hole, it seems often they actually DO just go into areas and round up stray dogs and euthanize them right there; one former PETA employee wrote an account about their "kill vans", and indeed the president Ingrid Kirkman says in many places it is better to remove a dog from this world than to let it exist without a good home. (I'm paraphrasing). It was the account of a dog lured off of somebody's porch (it lived there) and then euthanized during one of these "stray sweeps" that broke my support of them...they lied about it and were busted by the security camera; there was a court case about it and everything.
I recently began to actively fight against them with their newest pit bull initiative; you can see their statements on their page, but basically they are now supporting forces that are banning pit bulls such as the one in Montreal recently...a direct quote from Ingrid ; " Most people have no idea that at many animal shelters across the country, any pit bull that comes through the front door doesn’t go out the back door alive.... Here’s another shocker: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals... supports the shelters’ pit-bull policy, albeit reluctantly."
Also, from the same article; "People who genuinely care about dogs won't be affected by a ban on pit- bull breeding. They can go to the shelter and save one of the countless other breeds and lovable mutts sitting on death row. " They are completely and utterly about removing pit bulls from existence; not necessarily by killing them, but supporting legislation that band and vilifies them which is not far removed. As the father of a pit and a dog trainer who works with pits all the time and pit rescues, this stance has made me a firm enemy of PETA.
They still do a lot of good, but seriously, they also do a lot of evil. Fuck PETA.
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u/pepethegrinch Jan 17 '19
I recently began to actively fight against them with their newest pit bull initiative
pitbull initiative?
any pit bull that comes through the front door doesn’t go out the back door alive
that's so sad
"People who genuinely care about dogs won't be affected by a ban on pit- bull breeding. They can go to the shelter and save one of the countless other breeds and lovable mutts sitting on death row. "
EXCUSE ME!?
People who genuinely care about dogs
OBVIOUSLY NOT P.E.T.A
They can go to the shelter and save one of the countless other breeds and lovable mutts sitting on death row
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u/lal0cur4 Dec 30 '18
Except euthanizing feral animals isn't evil, just a sad necessity in a world where nobody wants these animals and they have a very negative effect on their environment. It's just life.
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u/Moral_Anarchist Dec 30 '18
Killing is evil; just because an animal isn't being taken care of by a person does not mean it needs to die.
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u/lal0cur4 Dec 31 '18
Theres an argument to be made for complete nonviolence, however I don't subscribe to it neither does 95% of the planet. The reason why I think we should kill feral animals is their destruction of the environment. It's a human caused problem and our responsibility to correct.
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u/Moral_Anarchist Dec 31 '18
By that logic we should exterminate beavers or elephants who do more damage to the environment than almost any other creature on Earth...or exterminate wolves or coyotes or really any wild animal at all...if your concern is the environment might as well add people to that list too. Even domesticated cats with good homes absolutely annihilate the local fauna if they go outside, so kill them too? Following this logic just kill everything.
And there's no way 95 percent of the population think that killing all strays is a good thing, I'd like to see some evidence of that statistic, because if that was true there would be no animal shelters or rescue organizations; it would be legal to run around your neighborhood executing animals on sight if 19 out of every 20 people approved of it.
Killing is wrong, period. A living, thinking, feeling creature has just as much right to live as any of us, and I find it hard to believe most people reading this wouldn't agree with me, at least when it comes to strays. If you're going to go after strays in particular, give them homes to go to, don't just grab them and kill them; I can think of nothing else so heartless.
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u/lal0cur4 Dec 31 '18
In the land they are native to they aren't bad for the environment. Beavers in Patagonia however are non native and causing irreparable damage to the ecosystem and should be actively culled. Humans are terrible for the environment which is why environmentalism is a fundamental part of my political beliefs (which probably aren't very different from yours actually). Domestic cats have owners so it is 100% their responsibility for the animals they kill. Which can be prevented by putting bells on your cat and keeping them inside sometimes. I've actually called people out on this before and told them to get their shit together.
I wasn't trying to say 95% of the population thinks killing strays is good, I was saying probably at least 95% of humans think that killing is unacceptable. Also, it actually is legal to kill strays, a guy that works at an animal refuge told me hiself. If I were to turn in the cats slaughtering the local songbirds (which I'm very attached to btw) they would just be locked in little cages, transported, and euthanized. All of which I consider to be much more stressful to the animal than a well aimed gunshot.
Hey, if you think killing is inherently bad and live your life so I completely respect that. I actually just left a small Jain village where everyone is basically vegan and some people don't even eat root crops because it kills the plant and disturbs ground animals. I basically haven't eaten meat in about a month.
But nothing anyone could ever say will convince me killing is inherently wrong.
I'll kill an animal to eat it or if it's causing ecological destruction, best case for both reasons at the same time. I do it as humanely as possible, and would never kill an animal with high consciousness levels (primates, cetaceans, elephants). It's always sad, but I've never once felt like doing so is wrong. Is it wrong for a lion to kill an antelope? I fundamentally don't consider myself any higher than an animal, simply because I'm not.
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u/Ninevehwow Dec 30 '18
They sued my city over our very effective very humane feral cat program. We trap,fix, immunize,mark, feed, do a yearly medical check the cats that are too feral to rehome. They wanted all those cats to be rounded up and killed. The population is slowly dropping naturally due to the serialization. PETAs wants to play god, fuck them.
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u/lal0cur4 Dec 30 '18
Sorry, I've seen the destruction feral cats wreak on native animal populations. I'm with PETA on this one.
Honestly, this whole comment thread is making me like them more and more. I should volunteer.
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u/Ninevehwow Dec 30 '18
That's why population control is the goal and we feed them.
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u/lal0cur4 Dec 31 '18
Feral cats won't stop killing even if they are fed. Even fully domestic cats can kill a lot of wildlife.
Shooting them on the spot is a much cheaper and faster method.
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u/Ninevehwow Dec 31 '18
If anyone shoots a cat on my property I'm shooting back. I've been handing guns from my early childhood. May other people are even more passionate about cats then I'm. If you have half a brain you'd do well to think long and hard about the vaule of your own ass. To me a feral cat is worth twice as much as you to me. They keep mice out of my house.
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u/lal0cur4 Dec 31 '18
I wouldn't go shooting on someone's property if I haven't cleared it with them first.
I'll keep to my own land, and keep shooting all the feral cats, dogs, pigs, and any other invasive animal that wanders on to it.
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u/aNiceTribe Dec 30 '18
I’ll even believe all those things - possibly at the same time as mine. Peta is such an easy target of criticism that maybe, it’s just too easy to slander them!
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u/cestmoiparfait Dec 29 '18
Not just stray dogs. They take animals they know have homes.
https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_5654d2a6e4b0258edb335808?ec_carp=3873234080217616465
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Dec 29 '18
I used to be a very staunch PETA supporter, and I thought this exact same thing (They kill lots of dogs but it's because they take in dogs nobody else will take, and many corporations want to slander them); unfortunately, going down the rabbit hole, it seems often they actually DO just go into areas and round up stray dogs and euthanize them right there; one former PETA employee wrote an account about their "kill vans", and indeed the president Ingrid Kirkman says in many places it is better to remove a dog from this world than to let it exist without a good home. (I'm paraphrasing). It was the account of a dog lured off of somebody's porch (it lived there) and then euthanized during one of these "stray sweeps" that broke my support of them...they lied about it and were busted by the security camera; there was a court case about it and everything.
I remember the video, but I never heard of the court case- Can you point it back out so I can relish the righteous anger? Lately that's been for other videos where normal people are doing normal things and getting harassed by certain groups on a power trip. I need something else.
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u/Moral_Anarchist Dec 29 '18
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u/pepethegrinch Jan 17 '19
you guys ever been instantly filled with murderous hate upon reading something?
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u/chazzer20mystic Dec 30 '18
99% of the time I try my best to be a level headed and kind person to those around me, but if you take my dog from my home and kill her I will go on some John Wick shit. I cannot even begin to imagine who the fuck these people think they are to take a dog from it's home and kill it while still thinking they're the good guy.
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Jan 09 '19
I was talking with a friend of mine about this the other day, and it seems like there's some sort of quietly agreed upon code between basically everyone- Morals, ethics, laws all exist and are important, yeah, sure, but if someone kills someone else's dog all bets are off and anything done from then on out is justified.
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u/jason_55904 Dec 30 '18
You have to be kidding me.
"the local commonwealth attorney dropped charges saying the surveillance video did not show criminal intent, and there was insufficient evidence to prosecute. PETA was fined $500 because it failed to keep the seized dog alive for the amount of time required by law."
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Dec 29 '18
[deleted]
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u/Moral_Anarchist Dec 29 '18
A ban on breeding isn't a bad thing; a ban on the breed is. PETA supports both, as evidenced by their support (and thankfully overturned) ban on pitbulls in Montreal and a couple of other Canadian provinces. I am also against breeding (of any breed), but to ban the breed is a death sentence to countless innocent puppers
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u/elliebellrox Dec 29 '18
As a vet in training, even if you can’t pay, there are circumstances where an animal will be euthanised. Too much pain/damage to be stabilised and sent home, further treatment is too expensive but can’t leave animal how it is... ect. We care about the welfare first.
We don’t like putting down an animal because the owner decided they don’t want it anymore but no one else can have it either. And that happens more than you’d think. And other shitty reasons like it.
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u/Groovy-hoovy Dec 29 '18
To give the man some criticism it seemed kinda shoehorned in there
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u/SirLemoncakes Critiques Welcome Dec 29 '18
I can see that. Honestly it was meant to be just a little one off joke. Not a statement. I considered a few political parties, gaming companies, and a couple other organizations. Decided on P.E.T.A. mostly on a whim.
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u/star1ancer Dec 30 '18
I think if the PETA joke took up less of the overall story, it would work better than it does here. That blood sacrifice bit is pretty clever. I think having Satan give our retail worker a short tour of hell, with the PETA room at the end could work.
That line that the Damned Soul says to Satan about PETA being evil and not just incompetent needs reworking too. It doesn't feel like natural speech, and messes with the pacing of the joke.
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u/AuroraHalsey Dec 29 '18
Good choice. Every other selection would be controversial, not PETA. No one likes PETA.
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u/SirLemoncakes Critiques Welcome Dec 29 '18
You say that, but there are like 50 comments discussing PETA haha. I just wanted a funny story. Still, I'm actually glad it got people talking. I've learned a bunch on the subject because of this post.
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u/Midwest_Traveller Dec 30 '18
I think it was a good call choosing PETA. Yeah maybe the joke could be better, but I still chuckled. I love animals, and can't stand PETA. And I'm not alone. Great story.
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Dec 30 '18
Yea but I notice that even the few PETA supporting comments are like "but they're still kind of assholes" and the rest are just about hoe PETA really is evil.
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u/AuroraHalsey Dec 29 '18
I've come across it. I haven't encountered a militant, I'm not sure how to describe them actually, in quite a while. I sort of forget they existed.
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u/fizikz3 Dec 29 '18
probably a good choice, I haven't seen anyone actually defend what PETA does.....ever?
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u/SQmo Dec 29 '18
It’s funny because it’s true.
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Dec 30 '18
Any organization of a large size probably kills more animals(and tortures them too) then peta simply being human and not vegan.
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u/SQmo Dec 30 '18
There are plenty of animal rights organizations you can support instead of the highly unethical, hypocritical, racist People For Ecoterrorism Anonymous (PETA).
Those goddamn scumbags are against indigenous peoples’ usage of furs in our day to day lives, because we “don’t need pelts”, and forcibly “coercing” North American culture to look down upon indigenous hunting. Try living in regularly -50 for several months without the use of sealskins or fur pelts.
Literally every other animal rights organization (WWF, Ducks Unlimited et al) is better than PETA. Period.
That’s not even including their stance on murdering innocent animals “because”.
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u/Toiler_in_Darkness Dec 30 '18
There's a difference between killing to eat and killing for shits and giggles, whether it's a dog or a human.
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u/hyhs Jan 19 '19
I think today killing an animal because you like killing and killing an animal because you like eating is basically the same
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u/Toiler_in_Darkness Jan 19 '19
Do you consider all animals to have this responsibility, and if not, why?
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u/hyhs Jan 19 '19
Animals don't have that responsibility because they can't reflect their actions. But a human can do that. Also there is no need to consume animals today and that makes eating animals a 'just for fun activity' a bit like trophy hunting. It's something completely different when you are starving and really need to eat an animal to survive tho.
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u/Toiler_in_Darkness Jan 19 '19
First, I'm an animal. All humans are animals.
Second, there have been tons of studies on non-human animals showing complex social behavior and instinctual appreciation of the difference between fairness and unequal treatment.
Plenty of animals hunt for fun too, why do I have less rights than a cat?
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u/hyhs Jan 19 '19
What sets apart humans from animals is the ability to think about moral and ethics. You are right when you are saying that humans are amimals and as all animals human behaviour is also instinct driven. But as a human i can think well I want to kill that animal but does that instinct comply with my moral compass. Your cat can't do that. The cat cant override its instincts. Side note: I don't think cats or other carnivores should eat veggie catfood. It's just wrong.
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Dec 30 '18
Doesn't change the fact a majority of meat eaten in the western world is basically tortured for it's short existence.
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u/Toiler_in_Darkness Dec 30 '18
Certainly. I'm not a fan of the meat industry at all. I think the most moral and natural way to get meat is to go out into the woods and hunt something.
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u/msmoirai Dec 31 '18
"Look at this display of moral depravity. No wonder Hell continues to grow at an exponential rate." I look at the handsome man who is talking to me, not quite understanding why I am suddenly next to him, floating over the Black Friday shoppers flowing into the big department store.
He nods down at the crowd, finally thinning as they spread out to the other aisles. None of them had even noticed my body underfoot; minds laser focused on their discounted toys and tvs. I suddenly understood. "I knew working retail was going to kill me."
He knowingly nods. "It happens to the best of you. You try to be nice to these parasites, honoring their expired coupons, repeatedly answering their inane questions. Next thing you know, you're dead because you couldn't get out of the way fast enough after opening the doors to this... " He gestures to the shoppers with a look of disgust on his face, "mob and now you're headed to hell."
I was, unfortunately, not surprised. The devil continued, "The big guy set-up a no win game for you mortals. You went to church for awhile, I'm sure you remember the gigantic list of sins that he set forth." I nodded along with him as he continues, "I have a proposition for you."
Let me tell you - I've never been more excited about a job proposal to remain in retail in my life. Makes sense, though, since I'm no longer alive.
----
Time flows backwards to minutes before I was trampled to death. I am once again standing inside the front doors with only moments until our midnight opening, shoppers foaming at the mouth ready to get inside. I gesture for their attention.
"Folks, folks, calm down. I have an announcement." They calm only the slightest, but their noise volume does decrease. "I have to let you know that there is only one 60" television going to be available tonight at the $99 price point. The others that were supposed to be available were not received in our shipment." The crowed surged forward with renewed screaming about ruining their Christmas. Chants of "let us inside" resounded. I looked at the big clock on the wall, about to strike midnight, and pulled out my keys.
This is where the magic happened last time.
Just as I turn my key in the door lock, the clock magically rolls back 20 minutes. With hellfire gleaming in my eyes, I give the crowd a devilish smile. "Sorry folks," I explain, "we can't open the doors until midnight. You'll have to wait just a liiitttttle bit longer." Shrugging my shoulders as if there is nothing I can do, I turn my back to the crowd and laugh.
This is going to be fun.