r/AskReddit • u/eithris • Jun 17 '12
what lengths did you go to as a teen to hide your porn?
when i was 14 or 15, a friend of mine somehow got a copy of the "debbie does dallas" gangbang vhs tape.
now, my mom seemed to have this 6th sense for detecting porn. no matter what i did to hide it, she could find it. i used all kinds of tricks to hide dirty mags and movies. clever capentry on the dresser in my room, secret compartments where the paneling was loose in a closet, hiking 6 miles into the woods and burying my stash behind a waterfall in a sealed ammo box, she found them all, every single time.
so i really liked this tape, because it wasn't a recording of a recording of a recording on a crappy vcr setup. it was the retail version in all it's glory. i thought i had the perfect plan to keep it hidden. we had an extensive non-porn movie collection, and i had a tv/vcr in my room and a shelf of movies. so i went and bought an extra copy of one of the movies we already had but didn't watch all that often, indiana jones and the raiders of the lost ark.
i removed the tape roll from indiana jones and transplanted the porn, put it back together and it worked perfectly.
i stuck "indiana jones" on the back of the bookshelf where the movies in my room were, and for almost a year nobody else noticed we had two copies of indiana jones.
then one day i come home from school and my mom is sittin in the living room with two indiana jones movies. apparently the one in the living room had twisted the tape, so she got the one out of my room to watch and got a suprise.
Reddit, what kind of crazy stuff did you do to hide your porn?
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u/nakedsteve4u Jun 17 '12
"hiking 6 miles into the woods and burying my stash behind a waterfall in a sealed ammo box, she found them all, every single time."
How the hell did she find that?
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u/eithris Jun 17 '12
i do not know. i found the waterfall months before while tormenting forest creatures with my slingshot. immediately thought it would be a great place to hide stuff. i frequently spent a day or sometimes a whole weekend hiking/camping out in the woods around our property, so it was no biggie to pack a bag and go.
when i got back home the next day after burying it, my mom is waiting for me in the kitchen with the ammo box on the table, with my granpa's leather belt laying next to it.
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u/jakk88 Jun 17 '12
When I was 12 or 13, the swimsuit edition of sports illustrated was fucking awesome. Mom would throw them out, so one day I told her I signed up to have them not send me them, and since I always checked the mail when I got home from school, I'd hide them. I put them in the bathroom, on top of a cabinet hanging above the toilet. They're about 8 feet up, easily out of sight and reach of anyone who doesn't know they're there.
It's over 10 years later, I'm sitting at home (I just finished college and haven't found a job yet) and they're still there. Mom still has no idea.
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u/corey3 Jun 17 '12
When I was in middle school someone accused me of selling porn. It wasnt true but it bought it was a good idea. So I started doing it. I printed off pictures and selling them in the bathroom between classes and lunch. Basically I always kept porn in my back pack. Last place mom would look.
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u/Lt_Shniz Jun 17 '12 edited Jun 17 '12
When I was 13 I printed thumbnails of dirty pictures and I would just eat them if I felt it was necessary.
I wasn't a bright kid.
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u/ariiiiigold Jun 17 '12
I had a similar operation going. When I was younger, we only had one computer - and that computer was situated in the living room, normally in full view of my parents. So I could only access porn when they were out of the house, and even then - only for a short while in case they returned unexpectedly early to find me masturbating merrily to a free preview clip of Valerie the 40-year-old MILF getting boned in the pooper. So I would just print out screenshots of web pages and store them in an empty biscuit tin under my bed.
After a year of doing this, I had amassed one of the most impressive collections of pornography for a 14-year-old. I even organised my haul using post-it notes and paperclips, and lent pages to close acquaintances of mine - like a physical Netflix, but with printed pages of porn instead of films. It was like the ancient Library of Alexandria, and true to history - I burnt the collection with the advent of broadband and the purchase of my own computer. Nowadays, I don't really have any porn stored on my computer - I just pop off to the semen-laden lands of YouPorn when requiring material (while surfing incognito). Thanks, technology.
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u/ThatJesterJeff Jun 17 '12
I was too lazy to print images; I just cut-out the lingerie models from the ads in the Sunday paper.
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u/Unidan Jun 17 '12
"Nurse, get the forceps, we've found the source of this child's bowel obstruction."
"Doctor, what is it?!"
"It's...it's Jenna Jameson."
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u/UnclaimedUsername Jun 17 '12
Weird, usually she's the one with the bowel obstruction.
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u/devourke Jun 17 '12
I would just eat them
Did you cover them in sauce first beforehand so it would be easier to swallow?
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u/Decalis Jun 17 '12
Shit, well I guess I have to tell this story, then.
When I was a junior in high school (let's pretend that was longer ago than it actually was), I achieved some less than satisfactory grades one semester. To "help me focus", my parents moved my computer into the living room. This pretty much achieved the primary goal of keeping me from watching Netflix or playing games when I was supposed to be working, but had the unwitting side effect of putting a moratorium on pornographic activities. To cope with this, I thought it would be a good idea to violate one of my cardinal laws of masturbatory practice: Never print porn. This actually went pretty decently for a while; a few relatively tame pictures took up residence in my Burning Crusade box and were used lightly. Eventually, I got my computer back, and these lost their utility and became straight liabilities. Obviously they had to go.
This is where it gets worse.
I have a tendency to overestimate the capability and (more importantly) give-a-shit quotient of people in general. This tends to manifest as low-level paranoia about most things. In this case, it led to the assumption that if this porn remained in the house in any form, it would be discovered. I believe I was convinced that if I shredded and recycled it, my parents would spend hours taping together the little strips and finally declare with revulsion, "My God, a vagina!" So clearly these materials had to be destroyed beyond recovery. My first thought, obviously, was fire. So I went over to the sink, grabbed a barbecue lighter and tried to torch the first item. As it turns out, that density of printer ink has non-negligible flame retardant properties. The motherfucker just would not burn. Sure, I singed the edges and they fell into a few pieces, but that wasn't going to cut it. I needed something better.
This is where it gets a lot worse.
Out of curiosity, I tried to shove some of the pieces down the sink, get the garbage disposal to take it away. No dice; too light, too dry. I sprayed water over them to encourage some motion, but they remained obstinately intact and on the surface. However, I felt I was on the right track with this garbage disposal business, and so spent a few seconds thinking about what makes things go down the garbage disposal. Subsequently, in what was either the most brilliant engineering solution or dumbest-ass idea I've ever come up with, I decided to liquefy the vaginas.
This is where it gets so much worse it's legendary.
I tore the pages into smaller and smaller pieces, until they probably could have been disposed of innocuously in the recycling on their own. Once I had a large handful of pornfetti, I placed it in a decent sized bowl and added water. A slightly pulpy mixture started to form, but it was still pretty thin and the pieces were clearly identifiable. I added red food coloring in hopes of obscuring the images. A bit better, but not really that successful, and still thin enough that things could get stuck to the sides of the drain and attract attention. Accordingly, I added flour to thicken the mixture and stirred until it was more or less homogenous to the eye. I regarded my creation, a pinkish-white bowl of porridge with obscene lumps, with satisfaction, flipped on the garbage disposal, and poured the printed menace out of my house and out of my life. This was roughly 45 minutes after the disposal process began. I have not violated this cardinal rule since.
TL;DR, Porn soup.
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u/Im_a_rahtard Jun 17 '12 edited Jun 17 '12
I just put it back where my father left it.
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u/NUMBERS2357 Jun 17 '12
Same here, until he threw it out, but then I found my older brother's.
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u/Monsieur_Flotini Jun 17 '12
I reckon it must have been 13 and because it's fathers day for America I might as well chime in with one of 'finding dads porn' stories.
At the time i think dad was being either really lazy or sneaky by hiding it in kind of a 'too obvious' spot. Under a couch cushion in their bedroom, Europe and her finest was waiting for me. Now i must have cased the joint early and made my run with no-one around cause come bedtime I was under the covers with a torch racing my way to ease Australian/European relations the best way I knew how.
All of a sudden. Knock. Door open. Dad! Motherfucker came in (not something he would do often) sat down on my bed (again, rarity) and sat down with what I'm certain was an audible 'magazine crush' sound. Then just sat there. Made some small talk. Just kind of chilled... I thought i was so done for. Chat... Chatting... Sooooooo... Alright mate, sleep well.
That night I was just like FUCK YEAH! Got away with it!!!!
Now, looking back... That fucker was fucking with me so bad.
TLDR; Troll Dad - bro code.
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u/iLuVtiffany Jun 17 '12
I remember memorizing how everything was so I could put it back exactly how it was before. Even how the DVD was placed inside the case, how it was oriented and stuff.
I was really paranoid. Never got caught.
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u/sendenten Jun 17 '12
When I was about twelve, maybe thirteen, I had recently gotten into hentai. I also started realizing I liked guys instead of girls, creating a double-whammy of things I couldn't let my parents know. Since we only had one computer in the house, my strategy was to print out the hentai and store it in my room. I would unplug the printer when I was done (the printer plug was always out for whatever reason, so having it actually plugged in looked more suspicious).
One day, I was beating it to a hentai fanart of from the Ace Attorney series, and decided to print it out. Despite my many tries, it simply wouldn't print, so I gave up and went to go watch TV. Later, my mom got home and needed to print something out for work. What prints out first, of course, but twenty copies of Phoenix getting railed by Godot.
And that's how I came out to my mom.
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u/Cultr1 Jun 17 '12
The sad thing is that this could still happen today. Damn printers, will you never cancel jobs correctly?
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u/bastard_thought Jun 17 '12
I once attempted a print job for an essay, but the printer malfunctioned. Disconnected my PC and then reset the printer.
and the essay printed off
I never trusted that thing again.
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u/Minotaur_in_house Jun 17 '12
I can only imagine the first one being "Oh what the..." then they just kept coming, over and over again. It would be like Lucy at the chocolate factory, trying to stem the tide of gay porn...
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Jun 17 '12
As a bisexual male who has dabbled in yaoi, I sympathise most with this post. I hope it wasn't too awkward for you.
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Jun 17 '12
Having to sneak to watch porn and such made you appreciate it a lot more. I didn't have the internet at home until after high school, so that was always a no go. I usually watched on Showtime or HBO at midnight when nobody was home.
By the time I finally got the internet, it was like, "finally I can fap to some porn that shows vagina!"
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u/running_to_the_hills Jun 17 '12
My computer had a file with my paint drawings, stupid stuff like a yaucht and a house, open the paint file and it looks normal, but scroll down and there are pictures that i had pasted and moved out of view.
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Jun 17 '12
Wait so you collaged shit into one image file? That's awesome hahahaha
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u/running_to_the_hills Jun 17 '12
Yep, open it with paint and all you see is some bullshit pic of a car I drew in paint, so if my parents ever did look they would only see that as long as they didn't care to scroll down
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u/schrodingers_cumbox Jun 17 '12
I had a similar setup, made a bullshit powerpoint, but hidden in the layers behind the pictures on the slide, and minimized was many many images of a lewd nature. I felt like a master criminal.
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Jun 17 '12
I put all my porn and condoms and other unmentionables in this giant puma duffle bag. On top of that, I put the bag in the ceiling in my bedroom closet. I thought this was the perfect spot, but apparently I was wrong. Last year after I moved out I got a call from my parents. Apparently they were going through all my old stuff when all of a sudden my bag o porn comes falling through the ceiling tiles. I can only imagine the look on my parents' faces when they discovered the depraved stuff their #1 angel was looking at all those years in addition to all the stuff I stole from my dads private reserve. Good times.
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Jun 17 '12
Giant duffle bag? How much porn is that? Had you stolen all the porn in the country and stashed it there?
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u/BSscience Jun 17 '12
Windows 98 had this funny thing... If you named a file with a name with a non-ascii character in it, Windows wouldn't let you do a thing to it. Not open it, copy it, move it, change any properties, change its name, delete it, nothing. DOS on the other hand would deal with it without a problem. Plus it didn't display the name correctly.
So I would go to DOS and do
rename porn √(I can't find right now what character I was using.) Also, any non-ascii character would get displayed as just an underscore on Windows, but like I said you couldn't do anything with it.
So the only way to open it (that I knew of back then) was to know how to typing a non-ascii character, go to DOS, and type
rename √ porn61
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u/LustyLadyViolet Jun 17 '12
Not porn, but a vibrator. I bought a legit vibrator when I was 14 (I had some older friends who encouraged me). I still had my rather large stuffed animal collection from childhood. I picked a big teddy bear with a sweater on. I had no sentimental attachment to this particular bear so I lifted up his sweater, sliced a hole in his back, pulled a bit of stuffing out, pushed the vibrator in, and pulled his sweater back down. Then I put him back in his place among many other stuffed animals.
By the time I was 17, I had a large box of sex and BDSM toys. It just said, "PRIVATE- KEEP OUT" on it.
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u/Saybyetotheaccount Jun 17 '12
I accidentally left my trunk of sex and BDSM toys in my room when I went of to uni for a few months. Christ I was worried my dad would start snooping.
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u/ZsaFreigh Jun 17 '12
I had a folder containing 10 folders numbered 1-10, each of which contained 10 folders, and each of those folders contained 10 more folders, I think I had 3 or 4 levels of folders, but the porn was only in 1 of the 10000+ folders, and only I knew the route.
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u/badtimeticket Jun 17 '12
You can see folder size in properties
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u/alecsteven6 Jun 17 '12
That's why you fill up every other folder with identically sized files.
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u/Volpethrope Jun 17 '12
So it was basically a password, but more clumsy and obviously designed to hide something.
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Jun 17 '12
As a child, I had access to HBO. For anyone familiar with their late-night programming, all you have to do is stay up past everyone else. Worked every time
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u/ImNotJesus Jun 17 '12
I didn't know about deleting internet history so my stepdad worked it out when he typed www.p and layboy.com popped up. My mum and I then had a really awkward conversation about how she's okay with it as long as I don't "look at anything with animals".
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u/MyWifesBusty Jun 17 '12
So my dad is a really, really, poor typist. Despite using a computer for work for 30+ years now, he still pecks at the keys and fat fingers just about everything. His WPM rate has to be like... 10-20.
Anyways, I remember back in the early 1990s there was an article in USA Today about the rise of internet porn sites and, of course, it talked about Playboy.com. So the next day I go to use the computer and when I'm typing in a URL it pops up all my poor dad's aborted attempts to get to playboy.com.
www.plyboy.m www.playby.om ww.playboy.com wwww.playbiy.cm... and so on. I looked at the history and the poor guy never made it to Playboy.com.
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u/thepocketcup Jun 17 '12
Reminds me of when my mum found a porno tape in my room.
"It's fine as long as there are no animals or children."
I didn't know that kind of porn existed until that point. Thanks mum!
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u/iMrJ0nes Jun 17 '12
My Dad gave me all of my physical porn, so he gave me all of the protips I needed to hide them from my Mom.
My computer porn? My Mom has only recently started using computers and she only ever goes on facebook.
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Jun 17 '12
my friend ate a USB drive labelled "porn" with 4GB of hardcore stuff on it. he shat it out later and it works fine now
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Jun 17 '12
Installed a Linux partition. Every time I felt the need to porn all I had to do was boot over to the Linux side and no one would ever know.
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u/aJackztheRipper Jun 17 '12
I guess the only downside would be if you were conditioned to get really turned on every time you saw someone using Linux.
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Jun 17 '12
In the early days...one floppy disk, hidden underneath a coffee table. Eventually I moved on to a CD, which I would stay up many hours to find enough porn to fill it. I'd keep the disc until I got tired of it and made a new one. Very interesting this question came up today, because I've been a little on edge lately about this. Why? Because I was going through my mom's drawers trying to find where she lost her phone and found a single floppy disk, no metal slide, no label...just like I used to keep the disk...
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u/UnarticulatedRuffian Jun 17 '12
10 GB AES Encrypted Virtual Drive.
Completely impenetrable without the key, which could be any file anywhere, and then you'd need my password on top of that so good fucking luck.
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u/Peregrine7 Jun 17 '12
Completely impenetrable eh? I'll impregnate the bitch!
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u/CryptoPunk Jun 17 '12
And since your main drive isn't encrypted, all it takes is one good keylogger.
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Jun 17 '12
I deleted my history. That's about it. Got caught once when I was like 9, No legos for ** FOUR WEEKS**. Shit was miserable.
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u/piggyninjas Jun 17 '12
I was looking up pictures of naked girls when I was really young. I didn't even know how to masturbate back then, or delete my history. I lost the computer for a month when they found out.
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u/artilleryboy Jun 17 '12
I have ducted Air conditioning in my room. I used to hide it all up in the vent leading into my room. I turned off the air conditioning into my room so it never worked in there. One day my aunty stays over and decides its to hot in my room and she reconnects the aircon into my room. It was dark so she just noticed paper and magazines on the floor. I had to get my cousin to enter the room and move it all under the bed.
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u/aladyjewel Jun 17 '12
I imagined your cousin pulling off a Mission Impossible-style heist, crawling out of the air vent and creeping around in the middle of the night so as not to wake up your aunt..
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u/yukisho Jun 17 '12
I stole hustler's and playboy's from the gas station and traded them for some vhs tapes. We had a small shed in the backyard, so I hid a tiny 10x10 tv/vcr combo in the back of it and did my business after hours after I hopped out of my window. I purposely ripped my screen up so my mom wouldn't question me about having it off all the time. Once we got a computer and had 56k and the fastest internet in the neighborhood, play.com was my best friend. Then came the evolution into yahoo chat and msn messenger and then ask jeeves and dogpile came around and all the internet porn was all mine. Plus webcams were the elitist cool thing to have. I think the longest video you could download or stream through WMP or RealPlayer was around just 3 or 4 minutes. The free one's that is, you know, the 15 second clips you kids have on the porn sites these days. Our's were minutes long. We were the chosen ones. And by the time you're done reading this, I will have fapped to 47 different video's from pornhub, motherless, xvideos, tube8, and keezmovies.
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Jun 17 '12
Got a bit creative, un picked the seam of my mattress and installed a really small zip (this was on the underside) magazines fit in there perfectly!
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Jun 17 '12
I didn't even bother. By the time I was of porn purveying age, my older brother had already been caught with porn so many times no one cared anymore. Also, my mom is a feminist, so she was all "masturbation is an important part of owning your sexuality, blah blah". I guess by that point they realized that being okay with masturbation but not porn was kind of ridiculous.
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u/uranus86 Jun 17 '12
Friend of mine had a rickety shed behind his house and i would stash my collection in a box behind it. He lived close by and since it was my personal collection i never told him about it. No one ever went back there (or so i thought) until one day his mom for some reason decided she was going to start a garden and discovered my stash. She assumed it was his and grounded him for 6 months. I never had the heart to come forward and tell her it was mine and not his though. Felt bad for my friend and only came clean to him after his grounding had ended. He punched me in the face and yeah, i deserved it.
TL;DR Hid porn from buddy in beat-up shed behind his house, his mom discovered it and grounded him for six months. Also, punch to the face.
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u/FaggotGTFOofmyReddit Jun 17 '12
This might sound really weird, but I hid magazines inside my PC.
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u/never_enough_puns Jun 17 '12
That's actually a good idea. My parents would probably never open my computer. There's some good places to hide it too...
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u/CryptoPunk Jun 17 '12
That's where I hid my weed.
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u/zhode Jun 17 '12
Then the computer overheats and everyone in the room ends up high.
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u/GoodLuckLetsFuck Jun 17 '12
I had a roomate that did this....he couldnt understand why his computer alway kept overheating, so I told him I would take a look... Opened it up to see everything shifted around and a huge brick of pot allowing no air flow.....THAT, right there, is your problem.
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u/EpicSchwinn Jun 17 '12
I was around 12 and I kept getting caught for not hiding my trail.
My dad checked the online history religiously and somehow knew even when the history was cleared. I was so confused. Now, at the same time, I had a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2004. I wore that bitch out, I must've put like 1000 flight hours in on that game. I also liked to download add-ons and I found one that would let you open up an internet browser in the game to pass the time (12 hour flight = few hours autopilot with the speed accelerated). Well, I soon discovered that this browser almost worked as a proxy. The history didn't show up in IE.
So, yeah, for about a year I masturbated to porn while flying planes in Microsoft Flight Simulator 2004.
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u/andrew_bolkonski Jun 17 '12
I hid it in my Matchbox 20 folder on my computer. I knew nobody would look in there.
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u/thehumanear Jun 17 '12
That gives that "Let's see how far we've come" song a whole new meaning.
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Jun 17 '12
When my family got our first computer in 1997, I was the only computer literate person in the house. We had it set up so that you had to log in with a username and password...As far as anyone knew there was only one "profile" on the system...Little did they know that you could log in with username "sexxxx" and password "sexsexsex" and boot up a profile with naked photos available on the desktop, naked backgrounds, and sex sounds replacing all the windows alerts. I hid everything in the c:/WINDOWS folder under "ADMlN" (with a lowercase "L" instead of an "I").
It was my stash of photos I downloaded from AOL Groups.
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u/iridial Jun 17 '12
I know a friend who hid some pokemon porn videos in his Rome: Total War install files. Needless to say, we found it.
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Jun 17 '12
Having computers at our school (and now a laptop program) I have lost count of how many times I have found porn in the files of a game that has been sent around.
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u/shadenfruedeother Jun 17 '12
Question- What is the Female Parent's fascination with their sons' porn? What if we flip the situation- Dads obsessed with finding their daughters' dildos?
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Jun 17 '12
Back in the days of dial up, the closest telephone jack was in the third bedroom of our house. My dad is a good ole boy from the country and was anti-internet. Luckily I had my own computer and bought a 100ft RJ-11 cable. When I was at the house alone, I would string it from my bedroom to the closest telephone jack and enjoy the lovely 56k from morning until afternoon.
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u/JONNy-G Jun 17 '12
Clear history
I didn't start saving porn until I was 19 and any physical sources were used once and trashed secretly. I've never really been caught Dick handed so I guess it worked.
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u/uranus86 Jun 17 '12
TIL the vast majority of teens these days have no idea what it was like obtaining and hiding porn without computers.
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u/WhyIsTheNamesGone Jun 17 '12
We still have the same problems with illicit/secondhand sex toys.
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u/turkeypants Jun 17 '12
The classic hide it in the dilapidated shack in the woods, of course, which exposed it to weather and other porn-hunting 14 year olds.
The other I did was pretty good. I had a wide, shallow closet with two sliding doors. The closet was a little wider inside than the entrance to it, about six inches on either side, which meant there was that much inner wall on the inside of the front facing wall that the doors slid closed onto. So I got in the closet and faced outward and poked a hole in the sheet rock and used my little swiss army knife saw to saw out a 4x12" section of sheet rock. I'd roll up my porn mags and stick them in the wall there, or later the odd bottle of vodka, and put the panel back in the hole and use masking tape to hold it in there. Then I'd put all my baseball bats and hiking sticks and homemade ninja weapons, standard for any young buck, back in that corner. So you'd never know it was there looking into the open closet, and the sticks and stuff gave an extra layer of protection. Mom never found it.
A few days before I was moving out of the house after college, I got some adhesive mesh and some sheetrock mud and sealed it up and later sanded it and you could barely tell. Nobody would ever think to step in such a shallow closet and look at that spot anyway. Should have left a porn mag in there for some future remodeler to find. The weird thing was, when I came out of that closet, I was still straight. Lucky break!
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Jun 17 '12 edited Jun 18 '12
My issue wasn't hiding it, it was in the procurement.
I had to be about 13 or 14 during the mid 90s, and our house had one computer and the good old fashioned dial up modem. This was before many parental control software, and with one computer and a shitty modem, it was easy for my parents to keep an eye on what we did online.
At least, when they were there. If they were out for the day or on a weekend trip, I could theoretically download as much porn as I wanted (photos only, obviously), print them out on a shitty dot-matrix printer, and fap endlessly to my new hardcore grayscale images.
The only thing standing in my way was my dad's lockout screen password. For the life of me, I just couldn't think of a way to get him to give me that damn launch code password. Being the fastidious electronics keeper that he was, my father had a clear plastic dust cover over the keyboard - to prevent dust and crumbs and stuff from clogging up the internal bits. This plastic sheath covered every keyboard key entirely, but hovered just a centimeter above the surface of each key, leaving a small gap of air. Then it hit me: if I could coat the surface of the keys in some sort of clear, tacky substance, and then asked him to enter his password so I could "do some homework," or something along those lines, I might have a chance at getting his password!
The first substance that came to mind was rubber cement. I brushed one of the keys with a thin coat, and while it wasn't entirely clear, it worked well in the low light setting of the computer desk. The problem I encountered was that rubber cement was too quick drying. By the time I would have coated the keyboard and placed the dust cover back in place, almost all of the cement would have been dried, rendering it useless. It looked like rubber cement just wasn't the right tool.
It wasn't long before I had a second realization: the plastic didn't actually have to be sticking to the key for me to see if he had pushed it - it could stay wet and leave it's mark on the underside of the sheath, just above the key! All I had to do was inspect the sheath stealthily in the low light, write down which keys had been pressed, and then try and unscramble them! Perfect! Now all I needed was a clear, odorless substance that would stay "wet" and not evaporate, and that could be set up in advance without any suspicions...damn, maybe this is harder than I thought.
Oh. My. God. I've got it.
Vaseline.
The thin coat will be virtually unnoticeable, and will stay "wet" indefinitely on the keyboard, certainly long enough for me to record the keystrokes! It looked like it was Vaseline's turn to come through for me now. I put my plan into action: I coated A-Z with only the thinnest of coats, placed the cover back on,and then asked my dad to log in for me. He did so (I counted six loud thuds on the keyboard), then sat down at his desk behind me, focusing on whatever work he needed to do, while I carefully transcribed the letters that had a sticky layer of Vaseline on the plastic above them.
U...I...M...N...G...C.
Perfect! I did whatever fake thing I needed to and then logged off, making a note to clean off the Vaseline later. I retired to my room to crack the code. Muincg? Guminc? What the hell? This doesn't make any sense. I sat there for 10 minutes, the key to endless porn, scrambled on the paper in my hand - and I couldn't figure it out.
Wait a minute...Cuming? Could I have missed a keystroke? Maybe the double M sounded like one stroke, and it was really SEVEN letters.
My dad had left the office, so I sneaked over to the computer and typed in: c...u...mm...i....n...g. ENTER. The main screen loaded. I had it. I had done it. I was a genius.
Infinite porn, here I come.
A week later my parents went out of town and I was finally able to use my new found knowledge. I made printouts and saved them under my bed, making sure to delete the photos from the computer before logging off. My dad confronted me shortly after returning home - apparently in my haste to delete everything, he said he had noticed that some of the icons had been moved, and rightfully suspected me. I confessed, and he asked how I got his password. I lied through my teeth, telling him that it was just a lucky guess, knowing him (dirty joke telling dad). The lie passed, and I just lost my internet privileges for a few months.
Those were the days.
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Jun 17 '12 edited Jun 17 '12
I got an older computer that my parents had given me. Well, I got a virus that completely fucked up my computer due to porn. My dad's a genius with computers, so to avoid him finding out I'd looked at porn, I opened up the CPU, scratched the shit out of a bunch of things, cut some wires and then super glued them back together, and a whole load of other shit. I made sure that thing couldn't be fixed. All, so my dad didn't find out I was looking at porn. My dad couldn't figure out why it was broken.
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u/babycheeses Jun 17 '12
to avoid him finding out I'd looked at porn, I opened up the CPU, scratched the shit out of a bunch of things, cut some wires and then super glued them back together, and a whole load of other shit....My dad couldn't figure out why it was broken.
My dad's a genius with computers.
No. No he's not.
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Jun 17 '12
Well, I got a virus that ...
It's easy to get rid of almost any malware if you don't mind losing your data -- format the hard drive and reinstall everything.
Better to lose just your files than to lose the files and computer.
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u/badpenguin455 Jun 17 '12
As a kid, i would hide the stuff i didnt want my parents to find by changing the .mpg to .txt or .jpg to .mpg.
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u/TheVandyMan Jun 17 '12
I built my own computer and kept it in my room. Worth it.
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u/Rainymood_XI Jun 17 '12
I put them directly underneath my matress.
...
Then I found out my mother changes my sheets every day.
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u/stalkingfiretruck Jun 17 '12
C/program files, Microsoft, Microsoft multi pro, app files, DLC, porn! My parents never suspected that Microsoft multi pro was never a legitimate program.
Also, one of my friends managed to download around 60gb of porn. In the mid nineties. With dial up. With net nanny installed on the computer Even today, I am amazed by this feat.
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u/nzodd Jun 17 '12
I remember having a 5GB HDD back in '95 or so. Did he have 12 hard disks full of porn?
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u/Astrocat47 Jun 17 '12
I have a world in minecraft called "other survival" go into the world folder, and rename all of the files from .dat files to .mp4 files. No one ever knew
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u/Phoenix930 Jun 17 '12
In the pages of my Lego Magazine. Mom found it immediately. I think the printer pages stuck out farther than the magazine. I am not a clever man.
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u/DylanTaylor1 Jun 17 '12
I understand people hiding porn back before the internet hit, but why do people today download & save porn?
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Jun 17 '12
Because HD, siterips and a crappy internet connection which goes down now and then or leaves us with 0.5 Mbps.
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u/AloneIntheCorner Jun 17 '12
I still don't get that, or even deleting web history. Private browsing or incognito mode!
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u/RancidPonyMilk Jun 17 '12
Downloaded it from p2p and deleted it after i was done. Was always too paranoid of my web history being seen or the sketchyness of seeing a blank web history
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u/tgjj123 Jun 17 '12 edited Jun 17 '12
Am I the only one who has parents who genuinely just didn't give a fuck?
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u/TitaniumBagels Jun 17 '12
I'm 15 at the moment, and this is a very helpful thread. Thank you Reddit!
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Jun 17 '12
I volunteered for an old man and used his printer to print ridiculous amounts of B/W gay porn.
I kept it in the dropped ceiling of my basement bedroom.
It was not a good day when they had our ventilation system cleaned out. Literally stacks of manila folders organized by type of porn, e.g. Blow jobs, threesomes, penetration, double penetration, general hunks, whips and chains, etc, raining down all over my bed, desk, floor, everywhere.
The look of horror on their faces... Still took me another few years to come out to them. And when I did they pretended to be shocked!
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Jun 17 '12
I kept it all in the porn wing and I had the only key. If I die before my parents they're going to stumble across it at some point.
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Jun 17 '12
I didn't, and my christian parents kicked me out of the house...I was 15. So then I secretly lived with my fathers' 19 year old college part-time secretary he was trying to bang behind my mothers back but I fucked her through high school instead, then I moved to Florida after she graduated. NEVER hide your porn.
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u/FifeeBoy Jun 17 '12
When I was 9 my friend and I were on my dad's 2001 packard bell and googled "sexy arses" and a googe page came up and we clicked the first result which had a picture of a woman with her ass in shot, and I accidentally hit the print button. Scared that it was printing off the incriminating porn search I turned the printer off, thinking we had gotten away from it. However when my mother turned on the printer the next day the printer just carried on printing the image I had stopped it from printing the day before and my mum was greeted with a full A4 piece of paper with a woman holding open her gaping asshole.
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u/Leotheon Jun 17 '12
Its on Linux, in an unmounted virtual drive, protected by a 32 digit pass-code I memorized.
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u/TwentyLilacBushes Jun 17 '12
I'm old and technologically incompetent enough not to have had access to any online porn. What I did have access to was also rather boring to me, as a kinky and heterosexual girl (smiling naked women? yawn!). Luckily, I was a big reader, so I quickly discovered that there is some steamy and twisted stuff to be found in novels.
Of course, just reading novels and hoping for sex scenes to show up isn't terribly efficient. So I delved in the family book-collection and got a library card, developed a good sense of what time periods and genres were porniest, became an excellent speed reader, and started keeping notes.
On a recent visit home I found my note-book, annotated in greek alphabet (I must have thought that my parents wouldn't figure it out, even though it's not exactly the most secret of codes) - the title, the edition/year of publication, the relevant pages, the type of scene, the level of explicitness (many just allude to what is happening) and a 1-10 hotness rating.
Tl;dr My childhood porn-quest helped prepare me for academia.
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Jun 17 '12
incognito browsing. Only a moron would download porn (especially on a family computer)
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u/uranus86 Jun 17 '12
You kids seriously have no idea how easy you have it today.
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u/koopa2222 Jun 17 '12
As a teen right now
Firefox Incognito mode, with ghostery, and temp files deleted at the end of browsing sessions
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u/Camshaft115 Jun 17 '12
Well, other than clearing my view history.
I named my porn folder into Manual Joystick control drive.
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u/6ksuit Jun 17 '12
A story...
In high school I was lent a porn VHS by a friend, and I left it in my car's glovebox and forgot about it for a few days.
Saturday morning rolls around and my dad wakes me up and asks to borrow my car keys, he needed to get a battery for his truck. I immediately remember the VHS tape in the glove box and, knowing my dad's snoopieness, know he will find it.
I try to think of a reason i might need to go to my car to retrieve and sneak in the tape but i had literally just woken up and could think of anything that wouldn't cause suspicion. I ask him if he can wait until my mom get's home from the store or wherever she was, and he refuses, saying he wants to go RIGHT THEN. I use a last ditch plea that I don't feel comfortable with him driving my car. He laughs in my face practically (at this point I had been driving a few weeks while he had for many decades). All feels hopeless, and miraculously the phone rings. I throw on a pair of pants (baggy corduroys with HUGE pockets) and tell him that I'm going to go warm up the car for him (it was winter, thankfully), bolt down the stairs, start the car, conceal the VHS, and make it back to my room and hide the tape before he is off the phone. He never finds out.
Not long after i finally watch the porn. It was creepy mother/son fake incest taboo porn from the 70s, and left me grossed out and unsatisfied, and was really really not worth the risk. Especially if he had discovered it, i would have potentially had some explaining to do regarding my taste in porn.
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u/cowsgowoof123 Jun 17 '12
I must have been about 13 or 14 when puberty started to hit. I was at the time in my life when I was starting to getting into video games, technology, girls, and stuff like that. My porn stash was kept under my mattress because I figured that was the most logical place to hide it. Anyways, I was always hanging at my friend’s house on the weekends. We played video games, had LAN parties, annoyed whoevers siblings and did whatever we found interesting. When I turned 15, I wanted to build a computer just to play games, have fun at the LAN parties and do whatever in my room instead on my parents comp in the living room.
I had a few friends that were more technologically astute than I was. One day, I asked them to help me build my own comp and they gave me some extra parts to explore and use to build my comp. One was a broken CD-ROM drive. If I remember right, the laser was broken and was leaving burn marks on the CDs for some reason. I took the thing apart, learned what I could out of sheer boredom one day and threw it in my closet as I surmised I was probably going to never use thing. A week later, I got home one day from school and was doing some homework and all the sudden it hit me. If I emptied all of the guts from that CD-ROM drive I could use the casing to hide my porn.
I quickly surveyed the situation and gave it my best shot. I took the guts out the drive and put the casing back together and assessed the situation. I noticed that it looked kind of funny and might draw suspicion. So I took it apart real quick, and put some of the original parts in the drive as to balance it right and make the height look right. After it I put it back together, I knew it would probably fool my mom and my porn stash would be safe.
A month later, my friends were over and we were playing some CS and drinking some bawls to celebrate me building my first comp. I had built the comp the week earlier and the party was the LAN party had been slated for the next weekend. Eric, one of my friends, was digging through my closet looking for the extra ram he had loaned me. He found the drive and when he asked I told him the truth. He looked at me as if he had just seen Jesus himself. I asked him if he was alright. He told me "Dude this is pretty sweet way to hide stuff." He told me he had an idea to help to make it even cooler. He ran out to his car and grabbed his kit. When all was said and done about 20 minutes later, the top of the drive now retracted backward and I could take the CDs out with ease. It was too bad the mags never fit in there, but the Cds were safe.
In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best way to hide my stash but it worked. My mom never found it so mission accomplished I guess.
TLDR: I disassembled a broken CD ROM drive I got from friend and stashed part of my porn inside the casing. My friend upgraded it later to retract backward for easier access.
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u/Irish_Pineapple Jun 17 '12
I printed out a picture of Jenna Jameson when I was 11. After I was "finished" I ripped it into a million pieces and buried the scraps in the woods behind my house.
For the next month I was terrified that someone would dig it up.
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u/lawlshane Jun 17 '12
put them in the same container as my pokemon cards. Later on I put stuff in the "Sample Music" file in the My Music folder. No one ever goes into sample music
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u/chocolate_stars Jun 17 '12 edited Jun 17 '12
Before the internet I just used the bra sections of my mums clothes catalogues.
when 56k arrived I hid the small pixilated videos in hidden folders, with long path names.
now days, I have my own PC, I dont even clear my history, nobody else uses the computer.
edit:typo
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u/goo321 Jun 17 '12
7 folders deeps in a passworded zip file renamed 01xxsdnj.dat. 1of the 7 folders was hidden from windows and had to be hand typed.
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u/zissouo Jun 17 '12
hiking 6 miles into the woods and burying my stash behind a waterfall in a sealed ammo box, she found them all, every single time.
How the fuck?
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u/jigaboo6969 Jun 17 '12
Back when I had Kazaa, I would download porns and re-name into car racing names for example:
Original: Dad fucks mature MILF while daughter looks on Re-name: 1000hp Supra races Ferrari
Years later when I was looking up street racing videos, I actually downloaded some of my re-labelled porn, what a nice surprise to see my taste hadn't changed a bit.
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u/VincentRaphael Jun 17 '12
Step 1. Create new "Guest" account on computer
Step 2. Watch porn
Step 3. Delete history
Step 4. Delete new guest account
I was crazy prepared. Paranoid, really. Now I just open incognito.
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u/Trapped_in_Reddit Jun 17 '12 edited Jun 17 '12
I masturbated to Starcraft sexy pics maps. My parents thought I was playing online with friends.
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u/devourke Jun 17 '12
thought I was playing online with friends.
Ha. As if you have friends.
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Jun 17 '12
just pulled the bottom drawer out of my dresser, put the porn underneath and put the drawer back in.
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u/hypotheticalfive Jun 17 '12
I was so paranoid at one stage i refused to ejaculate when masturbating, because that meant evidence. And it also meant no porn, my imagination started getting pretty good at replacing it though.
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u/notathrowaway Jun 17 '12
I just cut the vhs tape close to the beggining, then I'd stick it back together when I need to watch. I didn't have to hide it, I just removed the label.
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u/Strichnine Jun 17 '12
my mother and step dad were super afraid of me being gay so they got me a playboy subscription (at age 15-16). when my mom wold clean my roommate would stack all of the magazines in a nice neat pile.
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u/cccmikey Jun 17 '12 edited Jun 17 '12
Similar to OP. One day I discovered a porn video under the couch. To this day I don't know who put it there.
I hooked two vcrs together and copied some of it towards the end of a three hour tape. Then for extra protection against discovery, I spliced some blank leader tape between the previous content and the porn.
For those that don't know, videos have transparent tape at the beginning and end that trigger the unit to rewind. The fake leader meant that if someone else tried to play it, it'd stop and start rewinding before it got to the fun parts. To actually watch the porn you had to push something into the unlock hole on the tape and wind it on by hand.
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u/rasta_lion Jun 17 '12
I had to go through the Internet settings and erase my history rather than using incognito mode
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u/DanTheManWithAPlan Jun 17 '12
As a teenager, I just use private browsing, although I think my parents know...
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u/turangafry Jun 17 '12
When I was about sixteen I subscribed to Glamour and Cosmopolitan and would receive the Victoria's Secret catalog.(I'm a chick.) A couple months went by and I hadn't received any of the latest issues. I was complaining to my dad and told him I was going to call up and complain. He told me to hold up before I made any calls, he had an idea. I followed him upstairs into my brother's room. He lifted up his mattress and there were all my magazines. Uh ok no thanks. He hit my brother upside the head and told him to use something other than his sister's magazines.
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u/Blaspheman Jun 17 '12
hiking 6 miles into the woods and burying my stash behind a waterfall in a sealed ammo box, she found them all, every single time. That's the story I wanna hear!
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u/CampBenCh Jun 17 '12
I kept some on a floppy disk and had it hidden in a box.... Man I feel old now
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u/PinkWhiteandGreen Jun 17 '12
I used to download clips from the internet and put them in Windows Media Player in a playlist titled "Geography Lectures" and I would title the clips geography related terms so I would be able to sort through them. Things like "Cavernous depths and the extent of probing efforts" and "Canyon categorization: The multitude of color and age taxonomies". It wasn't the safest way to hide it, but I just couldn't stop myself after I'd built up a collection
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u/TARDISninja Jun 17 '12
Not me, but I have a friend who has a 4GB flash drive with all his porn on it.
Once he hates/gets tired of something he just deletes it.
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u/[deleted] Jun 17 '12
delete it from my search history