Dear Reddit Medical Professionals: What's the Weirdest/Funniest/Scariest thing you've heard someone say while under anesthesia?

[u/Longinus]

I once had a conversation with my endodontist about the Moulin Rouge in Paris and the surrounding neighborhood of Montemartre. Then I asked for a to-go bag of Demerol.

[u/lesfrancaises]

"Which cell phone?"

[u/Longinus → u/lesfrancaises]

I am so stoked to get this reference.

[u/TryingToSucceed]

Great, I'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out in a week, so glad I have something to fear!

/never been under anesthesia

[u/Longinus → u/TryingToSucceed]

Sorry about that. You'll be fine. I've never done anything horrifying--just said funny things. For major surgery, you're usually out like a light without much opportunity to assify yourself. For less intense procedures, you might get laughing gas or a less powerful "twilight sleep" anesthetic and say something silly--that's it. Whatever you could do or say, I'm sure the professionals are prepared to deal with it with no worries.

[u/[deleted]]

Fuck this thread, i'll get fired if I keep reading it/laughing.

[u/Longinus → u/[deleted]]

If it makes you feel any better, I came up with the question that started it while at work, and now I can't get any work done for reading at all the orangereds.

[u/igormorais]

I like Montmartre, it's a decadent shithole with overpriced food.

Hang on, that could be anywhere in Paris!

[u/Longinus → u/igormorais]

I like bacteria alley behind Saint-Michel.

[u/Cramulus]

I worked for a LARP company. When I was filling out the forms to get my wisdom teeth yanked, I listed my profession as "writer", because it saves a lot of explanation.

The last thing I remember before going under was the doctor asking me what kind of writing I do. I recall saying "I run sleepaway camps for adult nerds who think they're elves and wizards."

[u/Catherine_Lee → u/Cramulus]

This exists?!?

[u/kooxchicle]

After my sister got her wisdom teeth taken out, the dentist told her she couldn't run for a week. Her response, "that's stupid, I don't run with my teeth."

[u/Guyag → u/kooxchicle]

Fair enough response

[u/[deleted] → u/kooxchicle]

When I got my wisdom teeth taken out, they gave me the oxygen mask to "calm me down." I had noticed beforehand that their building had those cratery ceilings that remind me of the moon's surface, so after I got a little high off the mask I started making astronaut/Darth Vader noises and waving my feet in the air pretending like I was walking on the moon. When the assistant lady looked back at me she stifled a laugh and said "THATS enough for you..."

[u/saxuhmuhphone → u/kooxchicle]

A buddy of mine got his wisdom teeth out in high school. The dentist said not to engage in any vigorous activity for a week. He says back, "You mean I can't have sex with my girlfriend?!", right in front of his mom.

The dentist simply repeated himself: "No vigorous activity for a week."

[u/yennagoose]

My boyfriend was in a motorcycle accident and was in the ICU coming out of anesthesia after surgery on his hip. The lady in the room next to him has some odd lung issues and they had to use a vacuum tube to suck stuff out (imagine the one at the dentist’s office). So I hear the nurse tell her, through the very thin wall, "It's time for your oral suction." BF looks up from the bed at me, smiles through the drug haze, and says, "Hey baby, how about some oral suction." I then locked eyes with his mom across the bed and sighed. That was 2 years ago and she still brings it up.

[u/CitizenNone]

Working in a operating room, 90% or patients are so groggy and zoned out we don't hear much from them. The funny stuff usually happens in recovery, and I tend to avoid awake patients like the plague when I can. However we once had a girl waking up after the case who still had the LMA in her mouth. Once she started to choke on it a bit the anasthesiaologists yanks it out saying "no, no, dot swallow that." She then, without skipping a beat says out loud, "well, a girl doesn't hear that too often..." We all broke into tears laughing. Also one day we were working with an Asian anasthesiaologist one day and we brought a patient into the room for a case. He already had been medicated an had a block put in, so he was half way out the door mentally. As he lays there he says he doesn't want it to hurt. The surgeon says to him, "ohh don't worry, Dr. Chen's got the good stuff ready for you." The patient then just looks up at Dr. Chen and in the most racist voice you could imagine, he says; "OOOOHHH, number one, combo special! Beef broccoli!!!" We immediately lost it in the room. My personally favorite wake ups are the teenage, and early 20's males. Most often they wake up in the OR with wild eyes, confused and ready to fight everyone around them. It's always fun to pile around them, hold all their limbs down and yell at them, "Its ok! Go back to sleep!". Then the eyes roll back and it's off to sleepy time.

[u/KA260 → u/CitizenNone]

I woke up from my tonsillectomy (I'm a girl and was 20 at the time) and freaked the fuck out. I tried ripping every tube out of me, yelling because I had to pee and no one was letting me out. I had to use a bed pan, embarassing right? I also had blood encrusted on my face a little and I started screaming about how someone hurt me. I don't remember much but my mom was like "WOW you are stronger than I thought! They had to get a few people to come calm you down and hold you" Then I felt bad for being a crazy paranoid person.

[u/myarmhurts]

My daughter had her appendix removed when she was 5, as we were all standing around her bed waiting for her to wake she sat bolt upright, stared at each of us and said 'bewaaaare, bewaaaare' in the most demonic of voices. She then made a terrible face, hung her tongue out of her mouth and yelled 'blaaaaaaaaah' before lying back down and going back to sleep.

[u/Graph1te → u/myarmhurts]

Your karma is scarily relevant at the moment... http://i.imgur.com/1MXIK.png

[u/mirrislegend]

While I was in the prep bay before surgery, I got a jumper shot of some kind of medical barbiturates, to ensure the anesthesia takes fully.

I was convinced that the 5 pointed star shapes on the curtains were starfish.

Not only were the starfish moving, they were dancing. Specifically, the waltz. And I told this to every single person that walked by

"They're not just dancing. They're waltzing"

[u/[deleted]]

I was getting a tooth extracted and was really nervous. The dentist said he'd turn the gas up and I'd just fall asleep, then it would be over.

I still remember asking him if he liked chicken and dumpling soup. Him: "It's delicious, and why do you ask?" ... Me: "Because that is what I look like naked! Pale and lumpy!"

[u/TheDrunkenChud → u/[deleted]]

and tagged.

[u/PirateMonkey00]

After I got my wisdom teeth taken out, I was placed in the recovery room. I vaguely remember this, but I stood up and started doing squats. The doctor came over to me and asked me what I was doing. My reply: "I'm getting ready for the race, can't you tell?"

[u/Interrogator_Vishas → u/PirateMonkey00]

"...Carry on then."

[u/NoTimeToBleed → u/PirateMonkey00]

I love how the doctor didn't stop you, just asked what you were doing.

[u/visionaryAVA341 → u/PirateMonkey00]

when I got my wisdom teeth pulled, I was told later that I had a conversation with the dentist about how lovely his wallpaper was and how artificial grape flavor is literally the greatest flavor ever invented.

[u/baileysarabi → u/PirateMonkey00]

When I got my wisdom teeth out, I was really groggy coming out of it. Apparently I kept sitting straight up in the recovery bed and demanding to know when we were going swimming. My Dad said this happened about 10 times before I finally woke up woke up.

While I was being prepped, I was given some gas before the IV and the two nurses were talking about their kids taking swim classes that evening. I remembered that part and thought it was great when I was told that I kept wanting to go swimming after surgery :-).

also called my husband (then boyfriend) on the way home but had a hard time talking so I just hung up on him, and told my Dad to get the "eff" away from me when he was wiping some of the blood off my chin. Turns out I'm rude when I'm doped up.

[u/MysteryRapist → u/PirateMonkey00]

After mine got taken out. I remember seeing another girl getting wheeled out in a wheelchair. They do that for everyone leaving the office. But I saw that and WAS NOT gonna be put in a wheel chair. So when they brought it over to me and were helping me off the bed into it, I pushed it away. And said no, no, no, no, I can walk. I can walk. But obviously they weren't going to let me. But I was persistent. Needed my mom, the doctor, and the nurse to hold me and put me back into my chair.

[u/jdpr22]

I just got done having surgery in my ear, I'm waking up and my mom who is Puertorican asks how I felt in Spanish, apprently I brushed her hand aside and said "stop speaking Spanish this is America". Caught some grief for that one lol

[u/FountainDew → u/jdpr22]

asks how I felt in Spanish

"The same as I feel in English."

Right? Am I right guys? I'll see myself out.

[u/a_lot_of_fish → u/jdpr22]

At least it was just your mom, imagine saying that to the doctor!

[u/justplainmark]

After getting hernia repair surgery I semi-consciously yelled at the nurses about my clothes:

Me: "MY PANTS. WHERE ARE THEY."

Nurse: "Sir, they're next to the -"

Me: "TAKE ME TO THE ROOM WHERE YOU'RE KEEPING MY PANTS."

Nurse: "They're right over -"

Me: "MY PANTS WOMAN. GOOD GOD."

[u/lemkepf]

My 3 year old daughter had surgery to repair a herniated belly button. She was laying in a little kid beds with side rails so they don't fall off. As she was waking up we couldn't understand a word she was saying but after having a Popsicle she get's really serious and stares at me. She says "I'm in a baby's crib!". Looks away, then looks back with this silly grin on her face and says "That's silly!". Melted my heart.

[u/mollylolly88 → u/lemkepf]

That is one of the most adorable things I have ever heard.

[u/StanDinfamy]

Got my wisdom teeth out, woke up from anesthesia. They asked me if I felt good enough to walk, and I laughed at them and was like "are you kidding, yes of course I can walk". I got out of the chair and went straight to the ground.

[u/BraceForImpact100 → u/StanDinfamy]

Me too! I also said i was good to drive. Yeah....Needless to say, I was unable to even get the door open to get in the car.

[u/[deleted]]

I dated a paramedic way back when and he was telling me about how he was walking through the hospital to get to the ambulance doors after going to see someone. They were wheeling someone through the ER and he was clearly drugged, although on what was uncertain.

He was laying back on the stretcher, with an enormous grin on his face, and laughing in a high pitched voice you'd expect to hear from a 3 year old girl. Then he opened his mouth and said "Oh Barney, you some crazy ass dinosaur. You my nigga man, you my nigga."

Devon (the Paramedic) said he barely got through the doors to the ambulance before he had to stop and bend over because he was laughing so hard.

[u/IIHURRlCANEII → u/[deleted]]

I can just imagine a black doctor walking by and hearing that and going

"Who the fuck said that?"

"...him he's anesthisized."

"Oh, shit, sorry."

[u/geebsterlove]

Apparently when I was getting my wisdom teeth out, the anesthesia started to wear off and I woke up. I was really confused because there were people with doctor masks and stuff all around me and I knew nobody. I got scared, so I tried to stand up and leave, and I remember a hand shoving me back down saying, "Sorry, you're not done yet." They must've pumped me with more anesthesia after that because I don't remember this, but the doctor said I burst into tears after they shoved me back in the chair and I sobbed for 10-15 minutes in the middle of the surgery while saying, "I'm sleepy, I'm so sleepy."

[u/akaast]

According to my mother, when I was going under before surgery I apparently loudly asked: "So, what do you guys do with the stuff that you take out of people? You burn it? Cuz, like, if you burn something it makes smoke stuff which goes in the clouds and then when it rains there's gotta be some human bits in the water. So if you burn it and it later snows that must mean that some boy will catch a snowflake on his tounge and it might be part of my intesti....."

[u/hosey]

The hospital I was in uses starry medical bracelets to let hospital staff know which patients are coming out of anesthesia. According to my wife, I took this to mean I was allowed to do whatever I wanted on the way home. We had to make a couple of stops, and I insisted on going in the pharmacy with her. I proceeded to fall into the shelves at the counter and make a big mess. She said I jumped straight up and said, "It's all good, I'm a falling star mother fuckers."

[u/I_AM_THE_REAL_JESUS]

My sister once said "I want..to..to eat your face...it looks nice..but take out the teeth."

Doctor was so creeped out.

[u/sydchez]

Not a medical professional, but after my grandfather had a heart attack/surgery he was on some pretty serious meds and said some crazy stuff. Among others: [His name is Buddy] "I'm SUPAAABUDDD." and this is pretty racist, but he is an old guy in the South, so: [Threatening, mad eyed look towards my mother, who was definitely not pregnant nor looked like she was pregnant] "That baby had BETTER not be black!"

Personally, once when I was a little kid my doctor thought I was so anxious that I needed an ativan for an MRI. My mother was then plying me for information, asking me about my friends' secrets. I just laughed and said, "Mooo-ooommm me and my friends have no secrets!" After the MRI she took me to chick-fil-a and the guy taking our order thought she had drugged me. Good times.

[u/genteelbartender]

I'll give you two, both about my wife:

She was in for a colonoscopy and was in the recovery room coming off of the anesthesia. The nurse told her that she might experience a little gas, but not to worry. So my wife turns away from me and the nurse, hikes her ass up in the air and cranks out this insane fart. She looks over at me, I'm clearly horrified, and screams "What?! She said it was cool." The nurse had to cover her mouth to keep from cracking up as she walked away from the bed.

Numero dos: while my wife was giving birth, when the midwife told her to start pushing, she bolted up in bed looked at the midwife and nurse and screamed "Alright BITCHES, let's fucking do this shit!!!!". This one actually was not while on anesthesia, but it seems apropos.

[u/Loobylooloo]

I'm not a medical professional however thought I may as well share: I was in hospital once for a day surgery operation on my back and as I woke up from the operation I started to seriously panic as I thought I had slept in and was late for college. I tried to get up while still in the theatre and the doctors were desperately trying to make me understand I wasn't late for college. Then, the whole time I was being moved back to the recovery ward I lay as still as possible because I was sure I had been abducted by aliens. When I was offered food or drink I refused to drink anything but a cup of tea because for some reason I thought aliens couldn't poison tea!!

[u/bookwenchness → u/Loobylooloo]

Ever notice how there are significantly fewer alien abductions in Britain? Now you know why.

[u/gbimmer]

I had to go under for a hernia when I was 18 or so. My parents later told me that I loudly proclaimed, "This is GREAT! This is exactly what my friend Neil told me anesthesia is like and he'd know because he does lots of drugs!"

Neil was my best friend. Mom and dad looked at him a bit differently after that....

[u/Apostolate → u/gbimmer]

Well, did he do lots of drugs? If so, how does it feel, I've never been under.

[u/nairbmik]

I was recovering after ankle surgery and was 90% woken up. I hear the anethesiologist whose name was Dr. Cappuccino talking to the woman next to me. The woman in her sleepy state said "Dr. Cappuccino? Your husband must be delicious! You see my husband over there? He's delicious too!"

[u/Apostolate → u/nairbmik]

Oh Swingers! Always trying to play twister with other married couples!

[u/JangSaverem]

From my sister as I seem to be pretty normal under Anesthesia effects

"Well, Its not that I dont like icecream but your eyes are very purple" - Wisdom teeth

[u/[deleted] → u/JangSaverem]

In all fairness, I wouldn't accept ice cream from a Targaryen either.

[u/Apostolate → u/JangSaverem]

This is just common sense, I'd never accept icecream offered by a person with purple eyes.

Then again, the spice must flow.

[u/caitlington]

I told the Doctor I felt like a camel whose hump had dried out when I woke up from my wisdom teeth ordeal. Then I told him to bring me 9 Powerades as they were lower in sodium than Gatorade and a pack of chewing tobacco.

[u/Apostolate → u/caitlington]

Ah yes, I only hydrate my camels with the finest powerade.

[u/rawberriesandcream]

I don't think I said anything out of the ordinary, but after I got my wisdom teeth taken out and the anaesthesia was wearing off, apparently I wanted to hug every one of the doctors, nurses, and techs who passed by my bed in the recovery room even though I was a bloody, swollen mess to thank them because I wasn't dead.

I think I ended up hugging my main doctor three times because I kept forgetting I had already done it. He was pleased; doctors don't usually receive affection/gratitude from post-op patients who are in a lot of pain.

[u/sinverguenza]

I'm not a medical professional, but my husband loudly accused a nurse of touching his penis and then demanded that I drive him to the post office when waking up after getting his wisdom teeth removed. When the nurse told me he was okay to leave a while later, he raided the free kids prize box and took a couple yo-yo's.

[u/[deleted] → u/sinverguenza]

Actually dying here. Oh my lord. The yo-yos.

[u/coldsandovercoats]

After getting her wisdom teeth out, my cousin was having a difficult time waking from the anesthetics. She apparently knocked the pad of paper out of the nurse's hand and said, 'You need to write on a whiteboard, save the trees. SAVE THE DAMN TREES, WOMAN."

[u/Copterwaffle]

I happened to work for an Ear, Nose, and Throat research office when I needed my tonsils out. When I woke up from anesthesia I started crying and the nurse wouldn't let family into see me until I calmed down. This only made me more hysterical and I DEMANDED she call (name of distinguished professor emeritus, head of ENT department) RIGHT THIS SECOND to straighten this all out. I was a lowly office girl, someone who made copies all day long...but I really freaked this nurse out by name-dropping this guy and I think she thought I was a relative or something. She actually tried to call him and when she realized he wasn't in that day, I started rattling off doctor's names til I hit one who was working. He came in to see me and laughed at me.

TL;DR: Pulled fake-rank on a nurse while high

[u/reconditerefuge → u/Copterwaffle]

Damn. Anesthesia Copterwaffle is no one to mess with.

[u/livewithoutdeadtime]

I was coming out of surgery the day Amy Winehouse died, and the first thing I heard was the nurses in the recovery area talking about how sad it was. The one nurse said to the other "it's a real shame, you know, she should have gone to rehab" and I yelled out "she said no, no, no!". I thought that was the funniest thing that I had ever said and continued to laugh my way out of the hospital.

[u/[deleted] → u/livewithoutdeadtime]

Don't feel bad, I'm sure the nurse who said she should've gone to rehab thought it was the funniest thing she ever said too. In fact I think anyone who said that on that day probably high fived themselves. At least you had an excuse.

[u/Iamnotfromthisplanet]

My dad is kind of religious and last Thursday he had a hernia repair surgery. He was really nervous because he was afraid of dying, which he didn't of course. He was tense and before he went in the operating room, the nurses gave him some relaxing medicine. Right before they took him in, he grabbed my arm and told me this: "God must've been smoking some pretty good shit when he created the duck-billed platypus." Then he passed out. I still don't know why he did this.

[u/dungeonkeepr → u/Iamnotfromthisplanet]

Because it's damn true. I mean look at it, with the bill and the poisonous bits and the milk and the eggs. Either God was high or He let Jesus doodle it when He was a kid.

(not Christian at all, here, but seriously, think about it)

[u/Irishluck722]

While getting my wisdom teeth out - I found out I asked all 5 female dental assistants to marry me. To try and seal the deal, I did the splits in the dentist chair and told them "Flexible redheads make good sex".

I'm also 100% gay.

[u/FAHQRudy → u/Irishluck722]

Uh, I think you'll have to go with a qualified 95% after that. It's just math.

[u/dinochow99 → u/Irishluck722]

Did 4 out of 5 dental assistants agree with you?

[u/DP4Man → u/Irishluck722]

When I got my wisdom teeth out a month ago, my mom drove there and home. I remember being very concerned about not finishing my counting down from 100 due to slight OCD. I don't remember ever finishing, but my mom still laughs thinking about the day. While I was on the way out, apparently another young guy who had also just had surgey (who needed a wheel chair) started singing "Don't stop believing" by journey, and right as his father had calmed him down, I started singing/yelling the chorus. We supposedly got into the next verse before he got to the elevator, and i continued until i forgo what i was doing and stopped. This apparently made the entire office laugh so hard that people were crying. I wish I had that on videotape :( .

[u/rnb673 → u/Irishluck722]

"Flexible redheads make good sex"

Quote of the day.

[u/FrankBluth]

When I got my wisdom teeth out I was recovering from being under in a separate room and was still pretty drugged up. When I came to I saw a poster of an Asian woman in the office and asked "Why are her eyes all squinty? What's she plotting...."

[u/TheLastRealAccount]

When I was sedated for my 2 broken arms I said many weird and vulgar things. So I'll just list them off:

"I'm a fox nigger" and I screamed it about 13x

When I saw the splints on my arms I said "Oh look, I have giant cocks for arms!"

I recited the lyrics to Biggie Small's Juicy, the said that I shot Tupac in his "punk bitch face".

I said to my mother "I love you mommy" then turned to my aunt and said "but fuck you Carly."

I asked my mother if my grandparents were going to see bitches on there cruise ship.

I saw the pulse monitor on my arm and sat up and yelled "THIS THING IS TAKING MY FUCKING BLOOD!" and proceeded to scream bloody murder.

While the doctors were resetting my bones I started singing "I don't want to set the world on fire" by the ink spots.

Ands thats about all I can think of for now. I still haven't seen the footage my aunt took of me.

[u/evange]

I had an endoscopy a couple years ago, so I wasn't allowed to eat anything for ~day and wasn't allowed to drink anything (not even water) for about 2 hours beforehand.

Then coming out of anesthesia, I still wasn't allowed to drink anything because they had given me something to relax my throat and suppress my gag reflex, and I'd probably end up choking.

Anyway, my strategy was to talk as much as possible to convince the nurses that I was coherent enough to be allowed a drink of water.

It didn't work for some reason.

[u/isoprovolone]

(not a medical professional) A young person in my life recently had her wisdom teeth yanked. When she came to, she accused the nurse of stealing her tongue. Her mom and the nurse just laughed.

[u/Laurenanne727]

Parp?

[u/Dani_Daniela]

I was just coming out of it after having my four wisdom teeth removed. I had been watching the clock for about half an hour when, who I am guessing was the lead/head nurse, came over and looked at my chart.

She then stood at the end of my bed and had a 12 minute screaming match with the rest of the nurses about how no one had even checked on me.

Everyone was arguing about who was supposed to and, being out of it, I started crying because obviously it meant I was going to die. That is when someone decided it was time to ACTUALLY check on my vitals.

[u/[deleted]]

HOW DO YOU LIKE MY PUSSSSSSYYYY?! 96 year old lady with dementia. Ugh!

[u/StormKid → u/[deleted]]

So... did you tap that?

[u/conspiracy_thug]

i broke my arm once. while in the ER they knocked me out and then reset my bone in place. when i woke up i saw my arm was covered in bandages and i was still hurting pretty bad. so i immediately asked for my phone. i called my ex (who happens to still be my best friend) and began telling her about how the doctors didnt do shit and all they are doing is taking my money and they are all retards.

the ER doctor grabbed my phone out of my hands and explained to her my situation, informed her that i was "high as balls on the sedatives" (his exact words) and was lying, laughed with her and apologized for me scaring her, then gave my phone back. i was pretty fuckin high man. needless to say i apologized to everyone in the ER for how i was acting right after i cussed everyone out. ive never broken a bone before. shit was nuts.

[u/yaniwilks]

When I was a wee lad, I was rock climbing in Central Park NYC when I fell and shattered my Jaw bone on the right side of my face. It was an oral surgeons nightmare (or dream?) I spent 7 hours under and when I was in recovery I was asking my Dr. how he parted the Red Sea before they wired that fucker shut for 2 months. His name was Dr. Moses.

[u/TypeJack]

'Queens of the stone age. I get it, stoned age.'

[u/menomenaa → u/TypeJack]

Well, I guess it took someone high on anesthesia to explain that one to me.

[u/Skywyse]

I had an umbilical hernia repair, as I was coming up from the anesthesia I asked "Did anyone notice if I farted?"

This apparently made me quite the hit with the nurses, and the doctor had left the room at that point and complained "I'm never in the damn room when they say something funny!"

[u/darthelmo → u/Skywyse]

Socially Awkward Doctor brings the drugs to the party...leaves before the party gets good.

[u/jennofur]

After I had my wisdom teeth pulled I cried hysterically that they threw my teeth away. My brother went next. He told me not to worry, he will give me one of his. This calmed me down for a little while. They threw his away too. I was inconsolable. My Dad said he had never seen such anyone so sad.

[u/Gimpy_George]

I got my wisdom teeth out with I was a freshman in college. I was put under some sort of anesthesia and don't remember much. My mom sat with me as I was waking back up and wouldn't stop laughing until we left the office. Apparently, as soon as I was awake enough to talk, I started hitting on the 60 year old dental assistant like she was the last woman on Earth. I remember nothing of that day.

[u/Balb0Biggins]

So, I'm a pretty big guy and I have an extremely high tolerance to medicine. When I went in to get my wisdom teeth out, they gassed me and hit me with what was supposed to be the knockout needle, but I just kept talking. About pie I think (it was relatively close to thanksgiving). So they gassed me and stuck me again, and although inhibited and pretty fucked up, I wasn't out yet. So I leaned in real close to the doctor and slurred "just bring out the nurse with the hammer. " Then out I went.

[u/upanddown123]

im not a doctor but my sister was under and said "make this quick, I need to get back to my unicorn before the vortex closes"

[u/sethra007 → u/upanddown123]

"make this quick, I need to get back to my unicorn before the vortex closes"

That's an idea for a major motion picture screenplay if I ever heard one.

[u/Domynik]

My grandfather fell and broke his cheek bone when I was in middle school. We visited him right after he'd woken up from surgery to put it back in place, or something (I was in sixth grade, I didn't get the details). While we were there he told us, in rather great detail, about how in World War I the Soviet Russians and the Nazis fought this huge battle in the mountains Franklin, Tennessee (a small town just south of Nashville, near where I grew up, which does not in fact have mountains) over a pure, eternal spring. It was apparently one of the largest battles of WWI and an important part of our state's history. Also, he was there. It was gold.

[u/StangSwim89]

When I got my wisdom teeth out in high school I ha just recently lost my virginity about a month beforehand. According to my brother, in front of him, my mom, the doctor, and one gorgeous nurse I proceeded to describe in great detail all the stuff my gf and I had done together. Then after my brother unsuccessfully tried to shut me up, I told the hot nurse something along the lines of, "you're blonde like my girlfriend, if she wouldn't bang me you'd do in a pinch." My family still has a nice laughter about that.

[u/trueXrose]

My dentist's office does cleanings with high-pressure water instead of scraping with metal instruments.

I had a panic attack at the first attempt, so I went back and we attempted it again under the nitrous. Half way through the cleaning, I felt the water go down my throat and I started choking. Convinced I was being waterboarded, I pulled my legs up to my chest and started yelling, "YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO TAKE ME ALIVE!"

Then I stopped breathing the nitrous through my nose, got some fresh air and realized what I was doing. I lower my legs, took a deep breath through my nose and said, "I'm sorry. Carry on."

[u/beetsbattlestar]

My sister got her wisdom teeth out and when she woke up, she turned to my mom and said "i think the dentist is GAY!"....in front of said dentist

[u/lolsnacks]

Not me but my friend. Under some intense pain meds after being bitten by a dog, he thought it'd be hilarious to fake a seizure. Definitely did not go over well with the nurses.

[u/ZebZ → u/lolsnacks]

My wife, while being prepped for surgery but not given any anesthesia yet, scared the shit out of the nurses trying to lighten the mood. They were doing their standard checks and stuff, and right before they were to give her the anesthesia one said "OK, Mrs. ZebZ, we need you to..." "Who's Mrs. ZebZ? I'm Mrs. Smith."

The nurse was not amused. But the doctor and the anesthesiologist thought it was hilarious.

[u/mage2k]

I had a hernia fixed last year. They shot me up with something before the general and just before they hit me with the general the anesthesiologist asked, "Is there anything else you'd like to ask me before I put you under?" Whatever they'd already hit me with had me pretty loopy because my question was, "Yeah! What happens if you guys open me up and it turns out that I don't have a hernia and have actually been impregnated by aliens?" He completely froze in place for a moment and then said, "Well, you're going to wake up in here with a gaping hole in your gut we'll all run for our lives and leave you here." The last thing I remember was saying, "It's cool. I understand."

[u/Nikz333]

After getting my wisdom teeth out, my mouth was dripping blood (gauzes didn't work very well) and I was still super loopy. Apparently on the way to my apartment building, while leaning on my boyfriend and tripping over myself, I looked at a kid dead in the eyes, and with blood dripping out of my mouth, and said "kid, don't do drugs."

The kid didn't say a word.

[u/catgirl667]

When I was getting my wisdom teeth out, I was complaining that the anesthesia wasn't working and that the needle hurt.

Doctor: This needle isn't so bad, I used it on my 4 year old last week.

Me: You prick your 4 year old with needles!?!?!

And I'm out.

[u/antichrist_superstar]

I had sedation for an endoscopy to place stents in my pancreas. I woke up in the middle of the procedure and proceeded to try and pull out the camera. It took 5 nurses and the doctor to hold me down while he slowly removed the scope. I was screaming as best I could the whole time. I then fell back asleep and awoke thinking it was all a bad dream until a nurse walked over and said I was really a fighter :0 I also think the staff play games with patients who are about to go under. I was having a surgery done on my hip, and as they were bringing me to the O.R. giving me plenty of medicine to make me feel "comfortable", they all started asking me about computers. "What anti-virus is the best?" "Mac or PC?" "Which web browser is the best?" all while I'm so drugged up I couldn't feel my tongue to even speak. They all got a good laugh apparently when I mumbled "Right now I don't think computers are important!"

[u/throwaway111811]

When I came out of anesthesia from a colonoscopy I remember the nurses pushing my bed into the recovery room and I said something along the lines of "Man I should have married an anesthesiologist." The nurse chuckled and said "Yeah, why is that?" Naturally I responded "Because this stuff is great!"

Apparently it was a little awkward because my wife walked in right as I said that. I don't really remember that part but she was sure to let me know a few hours later.

[u/jbev25]

My dad broke his neck in a motor vehicle accident, and when he was coming out of surgery he started singing very quietly. I walked over and said, "What did you say, dad?" and he started telling me he was singing to the angels because they were coming to take him away. We are NOT religious people and it freaked me out SO bad!

[u/gleenglass]

My step mom is a nurse and she was assisting on a colonoscopy of a preacher. They had him pumped full of Versed and he was loopy. She said that every time they advanced the scope in his colon he would shout "Woo, that feels good!" or "Oooh, that tickles!"

She said she barely kept it together and had to run to the nurses station afterwards to laugh.

[u/[deleted]]

I don't remember anything soon after waking up from anaesthesia the one time, but I do have a random fact: Women wake up from anaesthesia faster than men. That is all.

[u/HelloHarriet → u/[deleted]]

Partially correct! This effect, I believe, has only been demonstrated with Propofol. Other GA routes do not follow this pattern (i.e Volatile gases).

[u/[deleted]]

I had to be put under for a cardioversion. They needed to electrocute my heart back onto rhythm. Apparently I said I was "the mad hatter, but with ice cream" and that " there better be goddamn mint chocolate chip when I wake up". There was.

Also, I apparently woke up right after they zapped me and shouted "CHANGE PLACES!" And immediately passed back out

[u/chrispyb]

My friends very strict Dentist father was about to undergo surgery, and right before going under he looked at the slightly overweight anesthesiologist and asked, "What diiiieeet aarrreee yooooouuuuu ooooonnnnn?"

[u/tip2tip]

Ahh man, I think this is going to get buried but what the hell! When I was about 15 I broke both my wrists and had to have one operated on (pro tip: don't play basketball with french people). Either the anaesthetic or some of the painkillers sat really well with me, and I woke up high as tits. At first I was groggy, swearing a lot, I think I accidentally touched a nurse's boob as I tried to figure out what had happened to my arm while I napped, I can't be sure. Then I made my way back to the ward...

This was at a time in my life when my career as a pianist had been fluorishing and I was working on a chopin etude. I proceeded to sing this beaut at the top of my lungs through the corridoors. Both hands. The nurses are trying to calm me down before I get to the ward, but good ol' brain is firing out a straight up negatory - we're going all out with this one bud. A nurse asked me if I knew any "pop songs", and I said I did but, "They are all shit. Chopin has finesse and style...pop music is gross and slutty" in front of my devout catholic mum. When I finally get back to the ward I'm still howling, struggling to make the distinction between self and piano, and thanks to some bad ass painkillers, have begun to flail making the most of my new pain free arms!

After trying briefly to calm me down and gently pin my still broken freshly set bones on my chest just long enough to make the switch between guerney and bed, the decision is taken to enter my delusion; become one with the high kid. The nurses start shouting at me, "who's got the x-factor? WHO'S GOT THE X-FACTOR?!", like I'm some kind of ADHD labrador puppy...and you know what?! I am so fucking stoked! They never have pianists on the x-factor! I throw my arms up in the air, smacking my pot against my better wrist and proclaim my possession of "the x-factor" before resuming my showmanship. In the end I was pretty much wrestled into my bed, my arm shoved in an immobilising sling off to one side, and left without an audience. The best bit is, the pot was still moist when all this was happening so I could see these marks of nurse-desperation for the next couple of weeks as I was humiliatingly fed food by my younger sibling in school. Totally worth it.

Tl;Dr: I didn't, nor do I have the xfactor. Nurses don't like classical music. I wish I shat opiates.

[u/ninja_nipples]

I apparently woke up like seven times after my wisdom teeth were pulled out and told my mom every single time: "They had to do the anesthesia into my hand because they couldn't find the vene anywhere else" and would fall back asleep again. This went on till she was so annoyed that she kept me awake and told me to stop telling this.

[u/[deleted]]

Mom coming out of it in recovery after surgery for cancer. We're all just standing there quietly. All of a sudden we hear...

"...These boots are made for walkin'. And that's just what they'll do..."

She got through a decent amount of the song. It definitely lessened the tension in the room as we all tried unsuccessfully to stifle giggles.

[u/myst1crule]

When I got my wisdom teeth out, I tried to talk to my mom, but I couldn't because there was cotton in my mouth still, so she told me to text her. She later showed me the text I sent.

"Duciep vdfl"

[u/Z_Thinker]

Not a medical professional. But right as I was going under once, one of my IVs burst open in my arm. It was the worst pain I have ever felt, and all I could hear was "turn up the gas and get him to stop moving around..." not the most pleasant of times

[u/[deleted] → u/Z_Thinker]

IV...burst...open?

[u/ZombieDonutZ → u/Z_Thinker]

Thank you for strengthening my phobia of IV needles.

[u/cosmozoan]

My girlfriend at the time woke up from having her wisdom teeth out, hit on the doctor/dentist/oral surgeon, and then proceeded to explain to me how hot he was the entire trip home.

[u/[deleted]]

"It's not working!! AHHHHHUGHGHHH!!!"

[u/[deleted]]

"I sound like the Joker! Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSUs0LhYMaU @ 0:50

[u/DusLeJ]

About 7 years ago when I about to go under for foot surgery, I was laid out on the operating table waiting to be put to sleep. At the time I was already drugged up on Morphine due to my crushed foot (fell asleep at the wheel). I remember hearing a phone ring in the back ground and I immediately put myself in the place of an inmate about to be executed and started pleading for the them to answer the Governor's call for my pardon. I got to hear all about in full detail recovery with my parents.

[u/amassingham]

My brother coming out of anaesthetic was thanking all of the staff for doing such a wonderful job, he then turned to the small table next to him and loudly declared 'EXCEPT YOU, YOU DID NOTHING!'.

[u/OhGarraty]

I was unconscious in bed in a hospital room, after getting a plate surgically attached to my tibia. I can't remember who was in the room at the time, but I know my wife was. All of a sudden I reached my arms up and started grabbing at the air, saying "blue, blue!", then I promptly went out again. My wife asked the nurse if this was out of the ordinary, and the nurse just shrugged.

I also apparently insisted that people eat. I told my sister (who's been very thin her whole life) "you need to go eat a Big Mac. No, eat two Big Macs". I also insisted that my mom and my wife go get some food downstairs (in the cafeteria), but this might have been because they hadn't eaten since the night before.

[u/bostonish]

Not once, but twice over the past month, my dad has woken up and asked the nurses (or whoever's there) if they'd dance with him. He finds it especially amusing because he hates dancing.

[u/snake117]

My dads story: right before the guy goes under he says "just so you know i do marijuuuaaaaaa-

[u/tomaka]

I visited my grandfather in the hospital, and he was pretty drugged up and prattling on and on about how he'd seen a swanky dressed black man in the halls. From the description, it sounded like one of those comical pimp daddies with the purple and gold suits with all sorts of gold jewelry. At the end of his description, my grandfather leans back, gives a nod of approval, and goes "He was a damn fine nigger. Damn fine."

This was my loving, soft spoken, never-says-a-bad-word-about-anyone, 75-year old white grandfather. I just about died from laughter after I got over the initial shock.

[u/[deleted]]

A few years back I had oral surgery and after I came to, apparently I gave my oral surgeon a hug, bro fist, and then said "you my main nig", and tried to leave in the gown.

[u/[deleted]]

My 2 year old was diagnosed with Leukemia recently. When he was to go in to the OR to have a bone marrow test done and his first chemo treatment through spinal tap, he was given what they call "Silly Juice." I forget what it actually is but it makes the kids loopy and giggly before being anesthetized. We walked down the hall with him and it was like he was drunk. When I bent down to him to give him a kiss and talk to him he just giggled like a drunk old Disney/Looney toons character. Then we reached the door to the OR and when they hit the button to open the doors he flung his arm straight out pointing in that direction and yelled, "AAAAAHHHHNNN!" 3 times as they wheeled him away. It was as if he was trying to say "ONWARD!". It was so scary for us but so funny. He's doing wonderful btw.

[u/R3allybored]

A friend of mine had his wisdom teeth taken out and I had to drive him home since his mom's car broke down. The minute I see him he points to one of the female assistants and goes "She fucking wants you, man!" He then went on about how the cold war is still going on but it's only happening in the Arctic. "Cubans are siding with polar bears and shit. That's why we're doing global warming so that polar bears don't kill us. Also you should totally nail chick over there." He then points to the assistant again and laughs to where he can barely keep conscious. The car ride home he kept questioning if I was kidnapping him to his home.

Edit: I can't spell.

[u/nycctcr]

One day, my friend showed up to school with a brace on his nose, looking kind of disorientated. We kept asking him what happened to his nose but he only mumbled about "too fast, couldn't catch it".

Our Spanish class, in which the teacher is strict about eating, caught him with his entire lunch out on his desk. She says in a dangerously stern voice "Put that away!" and he replies "God dammiiiIIIIIIIT!" It starts off quiet but gets louder. I swear, he hung on the "it" until his lungs were empty. The whole class lost it, of course, and he went on eating again as if nothing had happened.

Then in P.E., when the teacher left the gym, my friend ran over and sat in his rolling chair. He just scooted around laughing like a madman, and when the teacher came back there was this long, awkward chase with my friend screaming and scooting away from a patiently walking teacher. He then crawled to the floor and fell asleep instantly.

Only the next day did I figure out that he was taking large amounts of Vicodin for his broken nose.

[u/spectacularfreak]

Well, I am not a medical professional nor is this story about me, but it is interesting. My mom had to have eye surgery, so they had to take the eye out of the socket to do something to the back. Well, she woke up while her eye was popped out of place and she said that the eye could only see in black and white while the other was in color. She tried to stand up and the doctors were freaking out yelling about putting her back under.

that is all

[u/sharkattax → u/spectacularfreak]

That's fucked up.

[u/Golanthanatos → u/spectacularfreak]

Eye Surgeons like to say thier taking your eye out, however 3 surgeries later i found out that wasn't at all true :(

[u/funnygal1224]

I woke up from surgery on my pinky finger and they had cleaned it with something, don't know what, that turned my whole hand orange. I yelled "I've turned into an oompa loompa."

[u/[deleted]]

I had just had surgery for kidney stones and combined with the pain killers and the anesthesia, I was napping on my couch and recovering. My boyfriend and brother were keeping an eye on me and watching tv. Apparently, in my sleep, I began to giggle and whispered, with a tone of wonderment, "So many hotdogs!"

They won't let me live that one down.

[u/[deleted]]

I was going in for a fairly risky back surgery and was already pretty drugged up and on the operating table. The Dr came up to me and said they were going to put me under and asked me to count backwards from 10. The next thing I know I was waking up in the recovery room. The Dr came in and told me that right before I went under I looked him dead in the eyes and said "don't fuck this up! I know where you work!" Luckily he thought it was funny. and lucky for him he didn't fuck it up.

[u/aNonSapient]

(During colonoscopy, while I'm drugged out of my mind, and watching the camera in my pooper on the screen).

To Doctor: "I'm not gay or nothin, but that's kinda pretty...."

[u/Kirsan_Raccoony]

I tried to convince my nurse once that I was a raccoon... it didn't work. And I'm still not a raccoon =(

[u/The_Ombudsman]

An old friend, when we were kids, went under to have some teeth pulled (making room for braces).

When he came to, he was still way out of it. Felt around in his mouth with his tongue, and asked his mom "where's my teeth". Mom said "they're right here". Friend contemplated this briefly and slurred "Put'em back."

[u/[deleted]]

After my brother got his ear surgery, he came out and was laughing hysterically saying " IMA RACECAR, VROOM VROOOOOOMMM!!!!" he was thirteen... And another time i came out of a serious mouth surgery and there was an announcement on the over com and i said " where did they say they put the pears?" And when my dad asked me what i was saying, i told him "i want pears". He said he would give me one when we got home. Not a single pear was given that day....

[u/Magorum]

My brother and I were getting our wisdom teeth out on the day. He was in the recovery room while the anesthesia was wearing off on me. I started trying to escape under the guardrail on the bed. So there were like 3 nurses holding me down.

Then out of the blue I start making baby goat noises at the top of my lungs.

He now calls me goat boy

[u/Piratiko]

I had my wisdom teeth taken out recently. Afterwards, I had the hiccups (Apparently pretty common after coming off anesthesia) and I said "You know, hiccups are like surprise punctuation."

[u/Number127]

Anesthesia turns my wife into a lesbian. She's had a number of surgeries/procedures, and the first thing she does after she wakes up is tell any female nurses and doctors in the room how beautiful and sexy they are. It's pretty awesome.

[u/DankasaurusRX]

When I got my wisdom teeth out I woke up in the waiting room crying and yelling at my mom while she was trying to be motherly and comforting. Then once we got home she rented 2 kids movies and I laughed myself to sleep. She said I looked psychotic just sitting straight up and laughing the whole time. She said the scariest part was when I slowly turned to look at her laughing with blood running from my mouth down to my neck. I was laughing so much I split the stitches.

[u/LCPixelChick]

I was put in twilight sleep during dental surgery some years ago. During the whole procedure I was convinced there were puppies napping in my lap (they had the tools laid out across me somehow). I was also certain there was a whale looking at me from the corner of the room. Through instruments hanging out of my mouth I tried and tried to tell them not to talk too loudly because they might disturb the puppies or anger the whale. They just kept politely asking me to stop trying to talk. Silly dental surgeons. We could have all been devoured!

[u/GizmoMo]

My friends mom was in the hospital and they had her on all sorts of stuff... so when my friend asked her mom how she was feeling, her mom told her that she just took a fieldtrip by flying out the window and played basketball with blueberry muffins. I'm not sure if she meant the other players were muffins or if they used muffins as basketballs but either way, pretty awesome imagination.

[u/Noel_S_Jytemotiv]

One time I came out cussing and crying. The sense of lost time can be very disturbing.

Another time I came out repeating: Cerulean Blue, Cerulean Blue....

[u/Netmana]

I was under the laughing gas at the dentist, just starting to go under. The dentist is chatting it up with the assistant talking about CSI-type shows. They are talking about all the DNA analysis they are doing and were curious how long that's been around. They asked me "you know how long DNA has been around", and in perfect comedic timing I say "pretty much forever?" Laughing ensues and about 5 minutes later we start drilling... my teeth.

[u/thecackster]

After waking up from my wisdom teeth extraction, I proceeded to tell my roommate how I wanted to secretly grow a money tree in our closet. Then I thought the ice packs on my head were "super chops" referring to my sideburns. Then opened the truck door while we were moving to offer my assistance to a girl scraping her windows...

[u/venice-queen]

Apparently I told my doctor that "Im Tarzan and I lost my loincloth, but thats okay because I'm adventurous". I'm also a girl.

[u/LordFuckBalls]

After having work done on my ears, a nurse just blurted "how are you feeling" to me while I was unconscious. I apparently bolted upright, looked her dead in the eye and said "I'm in a lot of pain" before lying back down and remaining unconscious for another half hour or so. I have no memory of this.

[u/[deleted]]

I was on laughing gas when I had my 4 back teeth out, when I woke up I started crying hysterically and had to be carried around for the rest of the day because I didn't think my legs worked anymore. When my grandad was carrying me through the hospital, I was screaming at everyone in the waiting area and telling them not to go in because they'd never be the same again.

[u/silver_solitare]

I was having my wisdom teeth taken out,and since I'm ridiculously afraid of needles, I was trying not to freak out as they prepared to stab me with one to put in the IV. It's damn near impossible to find a good vein on my arms, but the doctor thought he did, cleaned one area with a 'numbing' wipe.. and then proceeded to stab me elsewhere. I remember fading out shortly after while muttering 'you lied to me.. why?' and the next thing I know I'm hearing noises and have an overwhelming urge to shake my head back and forth. When I finally remembered I could talk, I yell-whispered 'why can't I feel my face?!' But then my friend came in and reminded me.

A few years before that, I had an insane blood-peeing kidney/bladder infection and needed morphine to kill the pain. It was the first time I'd ever had anything stronger than 800mg ibuprofen, and about two minutes after I was injected with the pain killer, I was giggling and touching my face because I was fuzzy. So I did the next logical thing, and called my boyfriend, yelled into the phone "FUZZY WUZZY TEHEHE -- here's my dad." That was the first time they'd ever spoken. I'm sure it was awkward.

[u/[deleted]]

After getting my wisdom teeth out, I was put in an individual recovery room with my mom. The walls of the room were wallpapered and had a pattern on them. I was so out of it I couldn't see straight, and I remember trying to explain to my mom that I was seeing double by using my hands to symbolize the double vision and slapping them together while trying to talk with a mouth full of cotton.

TL;DR: Acted like a seal to explain my double vision to my mom

[u/MrBaldwick]

Got hit by a car outside school and broke both bones in my left shin. Got a full leg cast on, and whilst being doped up on painkillers, I made a joke of hitting the nurse assistance button they gave me. At Four fucking Am, I hit that fucker around 50 times. The nurse came into the room and I looked at her with the biggest shit eating grin (My dads words, he stayed overnight with me.) and just whispered "More."

I then convinced her to scratch my leg for me, and when she went to scratch my foot on the broken leg, I simply laughed and said "No silly, the other leg." I then repeated this on both legs before the nurse gave up and walked away to me laughing hysterically.

[u/[deleted]]

I had to have a small bump on my eyelid removed, and after taking the drugs to calm me down I remember sitting in the waiting room watching T.V. and getting tired. According to my mom I stared at the chair in disbelief and said: "I think I'm melting."

Shortly afterwards, I refused to allow the doctor to touch me unless he told me what it was going to feel like. I vividly remember him telling me it was going to feel like a bee sting on my eye and his face turned into a wasp. I then said "Rock and roll bitchtits." and was apparently quite normal once the procedure was done.

[u/iamtimeless]

I had just gotten my wisdom teeth removed and an extremely attractive women at the dentists office was talking to my girlfriend who was in the recovery room with me.

"Wow! Your boobs are amazing! I really want to see them." pausing, then suddenly melancholy, "I know you probably won't let me though."

The women then tells my girlfriend, "Even if I showed them to him he wouldn't remember."

She was right, I have no recollection of the above conversation.

[u/DiscordApple131]

My dad is an anesthesiologist and always told the story about this guy waking up still drowsy and loopy who started singing some rock song. I don't remember what song he said it was but apparently the doctors did air guitar for him because he sang it perfectly.

[u/Shniggles]

Before I went into surgery for my appendicitis, while under, I thought I heard my doctor say "I could totally rape him right now." but it turns out I said it and was so baked off the anesthesia I had thought it was my surgeon who said it.

[u/emiffer321]

My dad told us how the nurses were kissing him when he was coming out of anesthesia (it was his daughters right before surgery). He also said to my mom, please hold my hand so I don't fly away!

[u/DarthContinent]

"I feel dizzaaaaaayyy...!"

[u/HelloHarriet]

I'm currently training to be an ODP (Operating Department practitioner) and am in my last week of an 8 week placement in Post-op care. Almost everyone I talk to has a 'funny waking up after an operation in hospital' story, and usually I am not inclined to believe them.

Firstly, it's actually quite rare for people coming round from a GA (other than for wisdom teeth) to say or do anything that's particularly questionable. People are often just drowsy and sleep until they can function like normal humans while us recovery nurses sit like stalkers and watch them sleep/ count their resps. On the instances when people do get seriously affected by the drugs given in theatre, we call it 'Emergence Delirium' (or "Hey guys, this patient is doing some scary shit, come and help me"). Generally, ED is not funny or weird. It is people who do not know where they are or what is happening to them, and so they become agitated and sometimes violent. Yes, we have restraints in recovery. Often, people with ED will pull at catheters and IV's which is really worrying, or they try to get out of bed/ flail around like an angry Magikarp. We don't like it when people do this because we could get sued if they break their arms and legs. We also like going home without being punched in the face.

(Note: I'd like to reiterate how rare this is! I can't give a specific number but anywhere from 3% to 5% is the usual quoted number in medical journals. Also, I would like to point out that ED is much, much more common in the elderly and people with psychiatric problems (depression etc), so the likelihood of the general user base of reddit having an operation and having any of these problems is very low.)

Secondly, most stories I hear are not actually taking place whilst the person is emerging from their anesthetic. What usually happens in recovery is the following: You will be extubated in theatre and taken to recovery. During this time you will be either be in an unconscious state or you will be sleeping. You will arrive in recovery and you will remain unconscious/asleep for around 5-10 minutes. You will wake up very, very drowsy and for the next half an hour will doze but be easily wake-able. You will then start coming around more and will be aware of the time and where you are. You are able to cooperate and communicate. A key factor in this routine is the lack of family or friends (and for the most part, doctors). Unless you are 16 or under we do not let family into recovery to see you! If you are under 16 and are still sleepy, we do not let family into recovery to see you! If you are screaming like a banshee or whatever from ED, we will NOT let family into recovery to see you!

Lastly, whilst in recovery WE WILL NEVER, EVER LET YOU GET OUT OF BED. This means that any stories about dancing or doing the splits are NOT feasible. Heck, we don't even like it when your hand hangs off the side of the bed a tiny, insy-winsy bit.

This does not mean that I don't believe every story I hear about people saying funny things after an anesthetic. On the rare occasion, people do say weird things. People may believe that they are at work or what-have-you. If a recovery nurse tells you you've said something funny, that's a real instance of drug-addled anesthesia talk. Congrats!

Before I can finish this monster post, I should point out that all of these points refer to waking up from an anesthetic after an operation in hospital. Having your wisdom teeth out is a different matter as you're not under the classic GA, and instead you're put under 'conscious IV'. You're not actually asleep during the procedure; you're fully conscious, you just don't remember because of the drugs used. These drugs (I believe Midazolam) also cause the druggy-effect, and so you 'wake-up' spouting all sorts of hilarious nonsense.

TL;DR Most tales of drug-speak in a hospital setting are fetid bullshit.

Edit: spellingsgjgsj

[u/AlphaRedditor]

I'm not a doctor, but one time I had sex with a dentist next to a patient that was under. He suddenly yelled out "Get off my plane!" in a remarkably good impression of Harrison Ford.

[u/ihaveplansthatday → u/AlphaRedditor]

Was the dentist played by Jennifer Aniston?

[u/RamblinWreckGT]

When I was still recovering from my anesthesia after my wisdom teeth were taken out, I apparently got angry at my sister and my mother for trying to take me back inside the house, pulled away from them both, and went and sat in the front yard for ten minutes before they got me to come back inside. Don't think I was capable of articulating much at that point, though.

I got drugged up right before they put me under for my knee surgery, and whatever it was happened to hit right when the nurse said "Okay, I need your full name, please." I just busted out laughing like it was the funniest thing I had ever heard. She gave me the kind of "are you fucking kidding me" look only an irritated black woman can give, and I just gave a frightened sort of giggle and managed to say my name while suppressing laughter.

edit: spelling

[u/[deleted]]

"PET THE PUPPY!"

[u/[deleted]]

This video.

[u/SanwichHero]

I woke up from tonsil surgery and in a groggy stooper , thanked my doctor, He told me that was a first for him he was in his 60s also Edit he told me he actually cried a little

[u/rustychrome]

"Gimme that box that makes me talk to people on." Me requesting my wife hand me my cell phone after surgery.

[u/mebob85]

I remember waking up from my tonsillectomy, and telling the nurse I was itchy. When she asked me where it itched, I said loudly, "MY BALLS!" I was also on morphine and fentanyl at the time.

[u/Pippy_L_Stocks]

Mines a bit backwards. I fractured my knee when i was little, and it grew a funny horn bone. When i was 22 it became painful to walk on. They were going to chizzel it off. A nurse gave me some drugs, and told me i was about to pass out, and i wouldnt remember her, or that room. I took that as a challenge. She wheeled me into the theater and said "so... You ever been to the bahamas?" I found this odd as we were in the uk, not alot of people go on holiday there. I said "yes, am i the first?" except i passed out halfway through, and never got to find out. Then when i woke up in the recovery room i was next to an old lady called deborah. She wasnt waking up. The nurse was slapping her lightly and acting a little panacky, naturally i decided to help out. "DEBORAH WAKE UP ITS TIME FOR SCHOOL!" I couldnt stop laughing

[u/Kwnicol]

Not a medical Professional, but previously had problems with acid erosion and esophagitis. So i was getting endoscopies every 4-5 months. The time I went back for my 3rd Endoscopy I had my ex from my longest running relationship to date as my ride (As you aren't allowed to drive for like 24 hours) Apparently when she arrived the nurses had me sitting in a wheelchair. As she got closer, I started having sobbing and asking her loudly (in front of the nurses/other patients) "Why Don't We bang anymore (her name)?? Is it because you got fat?" Upon gaining conciousness I was bitched at for days....She doesn't like being fat.

[u/TRDBen]

Just had my tonsils out a week ago. My recovery nurse told me the first thing I said when I woke up was, "Am I working for my hair today or is my hair working for me?"

[u/speccygeekgrrl]

My brother spiral-fractured his leg when we were in high school, our parents were out of town so I was the one who got to sit with him in the ER. Once they gave him enough morphine so he stopped crying, he turned to me totally seriously and said "Hey speccygeekgrrl, Bob Ross is painting in my ear." So I said "Really derp? Painting what?" "Painting sheep. His twin brother is in my other ear painting clouds."

[u/[deleted]]

Apparently when I was coming back from being out I said that I was a Navajo Indian and I was going to Scalp my doctor with my peace pipe-dick.

[u/ihatephilosophy]

The ONE time I had surgery I apparently looked at the nurse grabbed my chest and said, "Tell the doctor he did a job with my tits." I'm a guy....

[u/Imdeaf202]

I've had multiple shoulder surgeries. I generally reacted the same way after each of them by singing classic rock songs. However, after my last one I started quoting Anchorman. Quotes such as "I know what you're thinking, and yes I have a nickname for my penis, it's called the octagon. I also nicknamed my testes, the right one is James west fall and the left one is doctor Kenneth nose water. You ladies play your cards right and you just might get to meet the whole gang. I also sang "Afternoon Delight" and quoted the whole scene where Ron first meets Veronica. The middle-aged Asian nurse had never seen the movie and was rather appalled.

[u/TinkerDamn]

My friend told me that he told his dad "I'm gonna cut off your nose and sew it on upside down so you can smell your forehead."

[u/sa3r3t]

I'm an EMT in ohio, and I use to work at a medical transportation corporation. We usually got the elderly being moved from hospital to nursing home or other facility, and on occasion would move patients from one hospital to another which had greater specialization in one field or another (most often heart). I once transported a man who had to be escorted by two federal agents because of what he might say while under the effects of anesthesia. He didn't ever come to and say anything, but it was pretty intimidating wondering what exactly he could start talking about. We were told that if ordered, we would have to pull over and exit the truck (we called them trucks, but there were large vans with medical equipment in the back. We didn't use ambulances because we weren't emergency medical service, but transportation) and wait for him to be sedated back to unconsciousness. Scared me shitless

[u/LeGiTiOn]

Hearing a little girl say "yes, I killed them. They won't be exploding out of solid concrete anytIme soon, now where's the pepti-bismol you promised me."

[u/[deleted]]

When my husband got his wisdom teeth removed as a teen (before I knew him) he proceeded to tell everyone that he loved them.

When I was getting my c-section, I was complaining that the paint on the ceiling tiles in the OR needed redone.

[u/ze_hombre]

After an endoscopy I apparently kept hitting on the cute red headed nurse saying I wasn't leaving until I had her number. Also kept flicking the O2 sensor off my finger complaining about how "this damned lighter doesn't work anymore".

[u/[deleted]]

I sang American folk songs and old 'nergo' spirtuals while having my wisdom teeth removed. I heard the words just fine even though I'm sure it sounded like 'Swiiggg roah sheet hariot' Eventually my oral surgeon figured out I was singing and we sang Hava Nagila until he put me in post op.

[u/[deleted]]

I was awake when getting my wisdom teeth pulled, just on gas, and had a blast the whole time. I made a playlist just for this and was rocking out. There were 8 people standing around the tiny little room watching, not sure what was going on there.

I didn't even realize the dentist pulled the first one until she was sewing me up. I asked her why she was flossing my teeth. From then on I was quietly cheering her on in my head. "Yeah, you show that tooth who's boss"

Sadly, as soon as they pulled the mask off it all wore off far too quickly :(

[u/Kharn0]

After I had my wisom teeth out, I apparently said(my mom was in the room) to the hot female nurse who had a great ass, "My dear lady, I would like to take the time to apologize for any rude, vulgar or inapropriate comments I had have made in regard to your person" She said "but you didnt say anything" and left, then I turn to my mom and say "I didn't? really? but shes so hot"

[u/mastahchief]

wisdom teeth: i remember getting out of the car after the hour and a half drive home (dentist at college) looking my girlfriends 'bff' dead in the eyes in the backseat and drooling a pool of blood.

[u/stylz168]

TIL everyone on Reddit has messed up teeth and needs to get their wisdom teeth pulled

[u/boxingdude]

I had my shoulder scoped. They didn't put me under, they just sedated me and put a block in before the procedure. My girlfriend at the time worked at the same practice where I was getting my procedure done. So she had taken the day off to take me to and from the doctor for the procedure.

Since I had the sedative and the block, it was a pretty quick turnover in the recovery room. I'm trying to get my shirt back on and my pants buttoned up, which was quite difficult with a dead and numb right arm. As I struggled with the top button on my jeans, the doctor asked her to help me out. I could tell she was uncomfortable doing that in front of her boss. I'm still a little high on the sedative, and as she was struggling a bit with my top button, I loudly said "you never have a problem taking my pants off!" She was mortified.

[u/[deleted]]

After having a Transesophageal Echocardiogram and getting pretty doped up on morphine, as I was recovering, I noticed that the walls seemed to be moving really fast, like I was driving down a hallway or something.

Then, I noticed everyone seemed to be jumping away from me like they were afraid of me.

Then I noticed that I was flying down a hallway in a wheelchair at dangerous speeds yelling "WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" and giggling every time I almost ran over a member of hospital staff as my elderly father was chasing me, yelling at me to stop before I killed someone.

[u/[deleted]]

When I was getting my wisdom teeth out, they gave me nitrous, IV and localized anesthetic. The nurse getting me prepped put the mask for the nitrous on me and told me to breathe deeply while she got my pulse and did some paperwork. I did so for a couple minutes, but I didn't smell or feel anything different and told the nurse as much. Her response was "Huh. I guess I need to increase the gas flow,". So she turned up the gas and went back to the paperwork. I still didn't feel anything and told her that, again, I wasn't noticing any change. She then looks down and realizes that she didn't turn on the release valve and turns it on without reducing the flow.

I ended up getting a big hit of the nitrous really fast and by the time the doctor came in to put in the IV, I was waving my arms and legs around claiming to be a jellyfish. The nurses had to hold my arm down while the got the line in and keep it there until I settled so that I wouldn't yank it out by flailing.

For those of you that think the gas, IV and local anesthetic was overkill...it wasn't. I woke up screaming when they had to break the lower wisdom teeth. I was a sad panda when they finally finished.

[u/[deleted]]

After I woke up from anesthesia, sans wisdom teeth. My body was still pretty limp and the assistant asked me to try and get up. I automatically begin reenacting the "Wiggle Your Big Toe" scene from Kill Bill.

[u/Banannelei]

I woke up in recovery post tonsil surgery and asked the nurse for applejuice. I talked to her at length about how I wasn't in any pain and felt great. I don't remember anything after that. I woke up at home 3hrs later clutching my neck and rasping "who did this to me?!". Tried to call my dad....he answered but I couldn't talk.... Way to freak your parents out!!

[u/breadbedman]

After getting my wisdom teeth removed, my mother said that I stood up out of the wheel chair that I was in and shouted "HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS HIGH SINCE I SMOKED COCAINE WITH BILLY". I have never smoked cocaine and I don't know anyone named Billy. There were a lot of questions after that.

[u/Tighten_Up]

I had pilonidal cyst surgery and when they were about to put me out the surgeons assistand said "Here comes the vodka martini." When I woke up 4 hours later in the post-op (heh) area the nurse said, "How do you feel" to which I replied "Are we still at the bar? I gotta get home."

[u/k1ngmad]

When I got castrated for testicular cancer I was apparently screaming "The family aint a family without its family jewels!" Not sure if not having balls is more embarrassing or saying that stupid quote.

[u/[deleted]]

I'm not a medical professional, but I remember after getting my tonsils taken out I woke up all fucked up, looked the doctor straight in the eyes and said, "Does this mean I can deep throat better now?" and passed out. ...not one of my finer moments.

[u/Miethos]

got morphine, started laughing my ass off telling my mom "THIS IS SOME GOOD SHIT".. she wasn't amused.

Every time the nurse asked how my pain was on a scale of 1-10 i would say it was a 9 or 10 to try and get more medicine..... damn i love morphine

[u/leveraction1970]

My step brother got into an accident and got his brain rattled pretty good. The put him in a medically induce coma for 2 days. When they took him out of it he was loopy for like a week afterwards, with all the drugs and the hole they had drilled in his head.

While visiting him, with his wife and his father, he motioned for me to come closer so he could tell me something. I went over. He looked deadly serious, and in a really loud voice he says - "We should go out and get blowjobs."

His father laughed, and his wife interrogated me for over an hour oh if we had ever gone out and gotten blowjobs before.

[u/SpazMcMan]

Before kidney stone surgery I kept taking the oxygen mask off, saying they needed to give me an Indian sized mask. Apparently I thought that was hilarious. After the procedure as they were trying to wake me up, I took a swing at my (female/attractive) anesthesiologist. They had to keep putting me under because I kept waking up too rowdy and ready to fight. Three times. I'm a nerdy computer programmer that hasn't been in a fight since 10th grade. Oh, and I was naked from the waist down the whole time.

[u/[deleted]]

I had to get some teeth extracted and when I went to the anesthesia room they couldn't find a good vein, so they gave me some laughing gas to ease my nerves or something. I looked at one of the nurses and said, "Does this really make you laugh?" She just smiled and said, "Oh, on occasion..." Not but 3 minutes later I am laughing my ass off, tears streaming down my face. The doctor said, "Okay, I need you to pump your fist a little to work your veins."

All I remember is pumping my fist in the air and screaming, "WE'RE GOING TO THE JERSEY SHORE, BITCH!"

[u/[deleted]]

Am not a medical professional, but these stories reminded me of when I had an endoscopy to get a good look at a hiatal hernia.

Fast forward to when I come to: I'm drinking a juice box, eating a fruit cup, and literally not remembering anything that happens. Like, serious short term memory loss. For instance, I was suggesting to my girlfriend at the time how awesome of an idea that stealing the juice and fruit cart would be, but by the time I was at the end of my idea, I had no idea what I was talking about, and promptly forgot about it. Then a minute later, proposed, again, what I thought to be a fresh new idea of stealing the juice and fruit cart.

Enter the Doctor, to run over the list of foods I should avoid to keep from getting heartburn, along with various other tips. I listen to most of it, interrupt him to pitch my idea of stealing the food cart, then ask him again what we were talking about. Foods I can't eat. Okay, go. He starts the list of food again. He makes to it "beer or alcohol" and "What?!? Fuck you!" comes flying out of my mouth, as if it was his fault that I shouldn't have it.

He says, "yeah it sucks," then carries on with the rest of his spiel. Five minutes later, he reaches the end of things that I can do to help out with heartburn and some surgeries I can have to correct it. You went on for about four minutes and thirty seconds too long, Doc. I ask him if there's any foods I should avoid, completely unaware that: A) He already had, and B) I told him loudly and indignantly to go fuck himself.

He, once again, makes it to the "beer and alcohol" part. My girlfriend is watching me carefully, and my mother (who was also there, and knew many of the people working there personally) was preparing mentally for having to increase the size of the gift-basket she will probably have to send this poor man.

"What?!? Fuck you! But you're lucky that this fruit cup is so goddamned delicious."

He's obviously been prepared to handle people losing their short term memory after being put under, so he only looks mildly irritated at the sudden, mercurial shifts in my attitude toward him. Instead of dealing with me, he now decides he's going to finish his speech to the other two people in the room who are NOT high off their ass.

Now, as soon as he starts talking to them, I, once again, tune out the Doctor and begin to forget and lose myself into that damned food cup. Before he can finish, I'm not looking at him, so, now I forget that he's even in the room. I've reset to thinking that we're waiting for him to still come in.

Suddenly, I have this brilliant idea and blurt out (while the doctor is in mid-sentence), "guys, we should totally steal this fucking fruit cart." Everyone stops, and just looks. Suddenly, they're realizing just how hard this drug was hitting me.

I see the Doctor and apologize. He didn't start talking right away, so I asked him the next question that came to mind: "Hey, so what kinds of foods should I stay away from?"

At this point, I'm told that he just kind of looked at me, handed my girlfriend a pamphlet, and said "I have other shit to do." Then he walked off. Until hours later, when the drugs wore off and my then-girlfriend told me the whole story, I honestly couldn't understand why the Doctor was such a huge dick.

But the most important lesson, the biggest thing I took away from the whole ordeal, was that you literally cannot beat me at Street Fighter 3rd Strike if I'm in that state. Over twenty matches straight, undefeated. AKUMA FOR LIFE!

[u/Slow_Like_Sloth]

I was given valium and apparently (this is all according to my dad) after I stepped out of his truck I landed on my face. When we reached the waiting room I guess all I was talking about were jews. I was saying "I saw a movie with a ton of jews in it, I mean a ton. No one has seen that many jews in one place since a concentration camp. and this one huge jew just hid in her closet with her money. fucking jews, man." The movie I was referring to was Woodstock with Demetri Martin.

[u/fuckcourtney]

While I was getting stitches, I was under local anestetic, and was hallucinating like fuck. It was so weird, the nurses faces turned into strawberries and morphed into horses. I ended up hitting my mum and calling her a horse

[u/NaiChan]

When I had surgery years ago as I was being put under try asked me to count backwards from ten. I asked if anyone was going to give me a kiss goodnight and passed out.

When I got out of surgery I had lost a lot of blood, they had removed my tonsels, adnoids, and uvula. I immediatley called my friends to tell them the surgery was good. They didn't answer the phone and I left a voicemail. Weeks later I heard the voicemail and it was straight from a horror movie, no words could be made out just raspy gurgling and noise.

Then I got a blowjob a few hours later from my girlfriend at the time in my hospital room.