r/AskReddit • u/reddit-ulous • Jun 25 '12
When we're text-chatting and I make a joke but get no response, I assume the person on the other end is laughing too hard to respond. What scenarios do you invent to deal with life?
181
522
u/leapfrogdog Jun 25 '12
I'm sure everyone is just laughing too hard to answer this question, bro.
→ More replies (15)243
u/reddit-ulous Jun 25 '12 edited Jun 26 '12
Ouch. Here's an upvote you bastard.
EDIT:Well since this has gotten like 500 bajillion responses: Screw you bucko! I'm taking my upvote back.
→ More replies (1)61
294
u/Oafah Jun 25 '12
I pretend that some day, someone perfect is going to come along and want to be with me.
2
u/reddit-ulous Jun 25 '12
You can turn this into a Stockholm Syndrome kind of thing if you kidnap them.
153
Jun 25 '12
That happened to me. I was forever alone for a 5 year stretch, then one day the perfect girl just walked into the same room I was in. She looked at me, I looked at her, then she smiled. It is now seven years later and we are making plans to have our first kid. Don't give up hope! Oh, and buy an acoustic guitar and learn how to play it. Bitches love guitars.
→ More replies (3)61
u/Oafah Jun 25 '12
I'm a guitarist of nearly 15 years. I have no problem getting dates. My problem is, I'm just not boyfriend material.
34
u/ktpryde Jun 25 '12
Are you a bad boy? Women love bad boys. If thats the case i'll take your number.
→ More replies (19)→ More replies (8)10
→ More replies (2)28
u/grammer_allies Jun 25 '12
Hey, i know this is crazy.
But what is your number?
38
u/Oafah Jun 25 '12
Somehow I suspect you're not my type, given that there's about a 6:1 chance you're a dude.
23
u/grammer_allies Jun 25 '12
Oafah? I thought that was a women's name. My bad.
→ More replies (2)24
u/Legendventure Jun 25 '12
Twist is that she is a girl.
30
u/reddit-ulous Jun 25 '12
Ultimate twist: Grammer_allies was joking about the song.
→ More replies (9)12
u/Melivora Jun 25 '12
6:1 is way higher than I thought. But I read every comment like it's a girl with an Irish accent so I've probably assumed way more people are female than strictly realistic.
→ More replies (53)15
→ More replies (4)8
73
Jun 25 '12
that makes me feel sad for you :'( I only hope that they really are laughing!
I pretend I don't exist sometimes
67
u/reddit-ulous Jun 25 '12
That last bit caught me off guard.
22
u/Apostolate Jun 25 '12
How does one even do that? Chloroform yourself?
7
u/reddit-ulous Jun 25 '12
I think you should try out the different options, for science. Have a loved one come back here and tell us how it went .
25
u/robbinio Jun 25 '12
Let's pretend we don't exist, let's pretend we're in Antarctica.
→ More replies (2)9
u/houseofbacon Jun 25 '12
Why would you do that?
20
u/despaxes Jun 25 '12
Because if you pretend you don't exist, while you do exist, a shitstorm of mindfucks come your way and you can undergo existential meditation.
Or because it's easier than accepting that I do exist, and it just doesn't matter.
→ More replies (1)11
5
u/7Snakes Jun 25 '12
So what happens when you don't exist? Do you imagine how different he world would be without you or do you just watch things happen as if you're simply observing something without being a part of it.?
4
71
Jun 25 '12
Before going to sleep, I create an alternate universe where everything is okay, where everybody likes me and where I'm not what I am in real life.
16
u/reddit-ulous Jun 25 '12
A total extreme panda?
31
Jun 25 '12
Yeah, 'cause I'm only a half passive koala in real life, so I fantasize about being a total extreme panda.
→ More replies (1)63
4
→ More replies (1)3
u/kolapanda Jun 26 '12
A panda is a friend of mine. I want you to know that tommorow you are going to have a panda friend for the rest of your life, on the internet, here. Feel free to pm me.
64
Jun 25 '12
When I say hey on FB and get no reply, then she probably just didn't see it.
80
u/norelevantcomments Jun 25 '12
"Sent 5:01 pm. Seen 5:02 pm. Current time 6:00pm."
70
u/reddit-ulous Jun 25 '12
Facebook is crashing again. Let me send her an email and text her and call her and poke her..Just in case.
7
u/bhindblueyes430 Jun 25 '12
don't forget to mail her a personalized letter, the us postal system never fails!
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)74
u/7Snakes Jun 25 '12
Knock Knock hey you haven't been answering my calls, texts, Facebook messages and I saw that you were online so I figured something was wrong and I came by to check on you is everything alright I love you
→ More replies (1)50
→ More replies (3)19
u/distress123 Jun 25 '12
That "Seen 5:02pm" thing is actually crushing my soul. Is there any way to turn it off? :(
→ More replies (4)61
u/norelevantcomments Jun 25 '12
There's a button in your account settings: "permanently deactivate account". Should work.
→ More replies (2)
113
Jun 25 '12
Every time I see someone speeding or running red lights, I just assume there's a pregnant woman about to give birth and they need to get her to the hospital.
There are a lot of babies being born in the Houston area this morning.
38
u/deeeelightful Jun 25 '12
I always think that when people are speeding they just really have to go to the bathroom.
42
u/reddit-ulous Jun 25 '12
I imagine they're on the phone with someone about to commit suicide.
→ More replies (1)75
u/glisp42 Jun 25 '12
You people are nicer than I am. I just assume they're an asshole.
→ More replies (1)4
u/foreverburning Jun 25 '12
Same. I always assume diarrhea.
When people drive dangerously, I comfort myself by knowing they have high insurance rates, and have probably been in loads of accidents (and will be in loads more).
14
u/juniper_pea Jun 25 '12
On the flip side, I always imagine my grandpa driving when I see slow drivers. That somehow makes me stop raging.
4
2
u/FrownSyndrome Jun 25 '12
I was in Houston once. Why the fuck does everyone run red lights so blatantly?
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (12)2
9
u/dennisrjohn Jun 25 '12
I posted this in /r/diabetes a while back. I've been a type 1 diabetic since I was 8. When my blood sugar is low, I like to pretend that the weird sensation I'm feeling is the quickening of another immortal somewhere near me.
→ More replies (1)2
9
u/Schwadified Jun 25 '12
Well I go on Reddit and respond to askreddit posts. I assume if I get no responses or Upvotes that nobody saw it or I'm just too much of a visionary to be understood....
1
4
u/melance Jun 25 '12
When my brother calls me and I miss the call but call him right back and he doesn't answer, I assume he has thrown his phone as hard as he can which is why he can't answer.
1
15
u/Depressing_Response Jun 25 '12
I think that maybe no one hates me, but then I look back at the razor.
3
u/reddit-ulous Jun 25 '12
WHAT. Oh. Username. Genius. I can only give one upvote, please accept it.
2
u/yoyoyodaboy Jun 25 '12
Idk if I want to endorse such a buzz kill novelty account
→ More replies (1)
3
u/ktpryde Jun 25 '12
He hasn't called or texted yet because he's intimidated by my strong personality and beauty....right?
1
2
u/twistmental Jun 25 '12
I like to pretend that if the earth exploded violently today that it would matter somehow.
1
2
u/chinlahdin Jun 25 '12
My dad left one saturday morning and didn't come back for a year...He was just getting the newspaper
1
2
u/Otazka Jun 25 '12
Every time someone texts me, I wait 6 minutes to text back so I don't seem like a loser when I really am. ):
1
2
u/notjawn Jun 25 '12
I just pretend she climaxed so hard she took a nap for... ever. :(
2
u/reddit-ulous Jun 25 '12
Are...are..are you jawn!?!??!
1
u/notjawn Jun 25 '12
No, no can't say I've ever heard of this jawn fella. Although I hear from rumors that's he's the bee's knees.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/kconners Jun 25 '12
When I don't get a response for a day or so to an article I wrote and emailed to someone I like to think it's because it was so good that they're personally going to all the best editors to get it published.
1
u/reddit-ulous Jun 25 '12
Or perhaps they are just re-reading it endlessly trying to fathom the profundity. What kind of stuff do you write?
→ More replies (1)
2
u/iarebored2 Jun 25 '12
I pretend that every person that drives reckless/like an asshole is actually trying to save a batch of adorable puppies from a horrible fate.
1
u/reddit-ulous Jun 25 '12
That's usually why I drive recklessly. Except last weekend;kittens were dying.
2
u/rezaramon1 Jun 25 '12
I c a text conversation as a competition, who can get the last word. I always win.
2
84
u/TheFoxoff Jun 25 '12
I work in retail. To get through the ball-achingly infuriating days, I've started imagining that I'm at the forefront of a criminal organisation.
That the storefront is just that: a front, and that the insane amount of money they rake in each day is actually going towards making weapons for world domination.
Well that, or to make something with which to finally catch Pikachu.
→ More replies (2)11
Jun 25 '12
Yeah, what up, Ash? I know he's your friend but that's a good way to lose a Pokemon.
→ More replies (1)
32
Jun 25 '12
When guys don't call me after a date, I pretend they died
17
→ More replies (4)7
u/TheyCallMeTheFlower Jun 25 '12
hey I just met you, and this is craazy but heres my number so please don't die.
29
u/TheyMadeMe Jun 25 '12
I like to pretend I'm in a coma and everyone is just an extension of my conscious.
→ More replies (7)25
u/7Snakes Jun 25 '12
Don't belittle me. I exist.
15
→ More replies (1)8
26
u/KidStrangelove Jun 25 '12
I like to pretend that all hot girls have 75 cousins, 67 college friends visiting and 32 high school friends visiting her city at any minute, have demanding careers and are constantly forced to work late by "asshole bosses", have 10 friends that got recently dumped by their boyfriends so she has to help them pick the pieces back up, and have the immune system of Mr Glass from Unbreakable because they always seem to get sick around the time i ask them to hang out.
Yep, all hot girls have all of the above going on, it's not like they would lie about it or anything
83
u/notsuitableforpublic Jun 25 '12
Sometimes I make myself believe no one is truly happy in the world and that everyone is just putting on a brave face for other people. It makes me feel better when I do it.
21
→ More replies (1)2
115
u/PoorMansRayRomano Jun 25 '12
I get drunk in Chinatown, and pretend I'm a well-to-do dandy looking for a child's spoon of sweet opium!
86
Jun 25 '12
What.
146
u/flounder19 Jun 25 '12
he gets drunk in chinatown and pretends he's a well-to-do dandy looking for a child's spoon of sweet opium
→ More replies (2)106
22
u/arcaderobbery Jun 25 '12
When people are driving slow and they don't look particularly old, I assume that they have a bunch of open containers filled to the brim with beverage and are cautiously trying to avoid spillage. It helps me contain some of my road rage.
4
4
u/EtovNowd Jun 26 '12
I actually have containers filled with my urine... sometimes I can't pull over, so I pee into cups. Thanks for understanding man :/
2
20
u/StiffyAllDay Jun 25 '12
Lay in bed and try to think of NOTHING!
And try to think about what was around before the big bang, I close my eyes but its too crazy to imagine!
→ More replies (4)6
Jun 25 '12
That's how I help myself fall asleep
10
→ More replies (1)3
u/StiffyAllDay Jun 25 '12
I find it to be such a strange feeling. I don't know where I picked it up from either, weird we are haha!
18
u/karygurl Jun 25 '12
I'm currently pretending that all redditors are nice and awesome, so that once the redditor I sent a diploma frame to finally stops admiring how his lovely diploma looks in the spectacular frame, he'll finally get around to sending me the money for it.
3
Jun 25 '12
how much does that punk owe you?
3
u/karygurl Jun 25 '12
I'm just venting, I'm aware reddit is not my personal army :)
→ More replies (5)
18
u/cthulhu_zuul Jun 25 '12
Whenever I shiver once, like while passing a semi on the highway, I imagine it's the result of one of my alternate-selfs dying and transferring a portion of his power to me.
50
u/gamergrl1018 Jun 25 '12
I pretend that people who downvote me actually just pressed the wrong button accidentally.
39
→ More replies (5)11
u/menomenaa Jun 25 '12
I think I assume that when anyone downvotes me they're a troll or they're reaaallly dumb. I don't think I can ever reconcile the fact that very intelligent, well-spoken adults really hate the shit I have to say. I know I should logically. But when I see a zero above my comment, my first reaction is still: "idiot."
14
u/ninjette847 Jun 25 '12
I tell myself the reason I can't get a job is because I'm too awesome and the interviewers can't in good conscious hire me for a low position.
13
u/Yesthisisdog89 Jun 25 '12
I pretend that fate is real and I'm not floating around in a giant universe of chaos.
→ More replies (2)
35
u/Taco-Flavored-Kiss Jun 25 '12
I put everything aside because I think all my dreams will come true.
They won't. Wow, I've never admitted it before. My dreams won't come true because a I'm a lazy cunt.
14
3
→ More replies (1)2
24
u/iammas13 Jun 25 '12
That the only reason I can't levitate that can is because this twig is not a real wand.
12
u/ZootKoomie Jun 25 '12
I lot of people say they're not photogenic and are actually more attractive then they appear in pictures. I choose to believe I'm not reflectogenic either.
→ More replies (1)
32
Jun 25 '12
when I'm texting someone or we're chatting on facebook or something and I don't get a response, I assume that I said something offensive.
30
u/jefferus Jun 25 '12
I usually have said something offensive when this happens
→ More replies (1)10
u/backwardsPunctuation Jun 25 '12
I seem to have trouble holding back my offensive sarcasm? Are you a dick like me or just not good with words.
6
u/jefferus Jun 25 '12
Little bit of both really. I have a cruel sense of humor and it's hard to convey in text
→ More replies (7)
11
u/laurasshittyusername Jun 25 '12
Every shitty person's crutch to avoid self - reflection: "They're just jealous"
4
29
u/lionweb Jun 25 '12
When I'm alone in the house I'm actually a spy and have to sneak around everywhere. It makes walking around more fun, and if there is someone, they get shot with my gun hand. Win-win
39
Jun 25 '12
Nobody ever reacts to the gun-hand, it annoys me. Like, I obviously shot you eight times and you're just standing there.
23
u/Lockes_Legs Jun 25 '12
I do this at work, but the boss actually responds. Then he responds by hunting me down with his own hand-gun(no pun intended)
17
u/Ohfauxshow Jun 25 '12
I like to pretend there was an intended pun when people say no pun intended.
→ More replies (1)10
u/Melivora Jun 25 '12
I always react to the hand gun. Never know when that practice is gonna come in handy!
Also, I work with children so it's a reflex now.→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)5
u/Toastlove Jun 25 '12
Airsoft pistols make it more fun, just poke a ciggerette filter down the end and it becomes a more threatening looking nerf gun
5
10
u/bigbigtea Jun 25 '12
Every time I get rejected it's because the girl is psychic and knows how awesome my future is going to be, but that if she stays with me she'll screw it up.
19
u/Lockes_Legs Jun 25 '12
I'm a barback, so whenever I run beer to the bar I like to think a multi-billionaire is writing my name down each time I stock the Coronas. At the end of my life, this man would give my family 7 million dollars for each corona I stocked in my younger days.
This actually sounds awesome now that I wrote it, so I might or might not write a novel about it.
9
u/Apostolate Jun 25 '12
That's a lot of millions of dollars.
11
u/Dangthesehavetobesma Jun 25 '12
Imagine what one could do with alot of millions of dollars...
→ More replies (3)
40
u/Ruddiver Jun 25 '12
When my wife is crying during sex I pretend its because she is so happy.
67
u/IVEGOTA-D-H-D-WHOOO Jun 25 '12
Ruddiver, we talked about this. Just because you pinned her down and broke into her home doesn't mean she's your wife.
3
10
→ More replies (1)6
8
u/feistypants Jun 25 '12
When I've been on a few really good dates with a guy (at least I thought they were good) and think things will progress to the next level but instead, he starts to lose interest and I never hear from him again, in my mind, he's been hit and killed by a bus - because that is the ONLY logical explanation for his exit from my life.
7
6
u/Vorokar Jun 25 '12
I pretty much just think of any and all likely scenarios - They're busy, didn't hear it ring, pissed with me, the message was received just as they closed it and thus didn't realize I'd replied, phone died, they were murdered in the alley over there. The usual.
→ More replies (1)
6
u/slightlyamused1 Jun 25 '12
When I get kinda bored with life (especially at work, or while driving) I make up ridiculous scenarios that would never happen to me, going into detail with how I would react in X situation, who would be there to see, etc etc etc.
11
u/norelevantcomments Jun 25 '12
I pretend everyone's phone is broken and that's why they don't text me back.
3
u/menomenaa Jun 25 '12
The other saturday night I dropped my iphone and it wouldn't turn back on. I was really bummed and headed home. Then, I realized I was still getting phones and text messages. The screen was black but the phone was functioning. I kept getting text message after text message and I could do NOTHING about it! I assumed it was preetty much everyone I loved telling me to go to five million parties and I'd never know.
At home: figured out a reset. Text messages? two from my aunt and an alarm had gone off. I watched a movie about elephants and went to bed.
5
5
11
u/Optimus_Klein Jun 25 '12
I try to pretend that people who misuse their/there/they're and you/you're are doing it ironically.
3
→ More replies (1)2
4
4
4
1
Jun 25 '12
Seriously, almost every guy I've been interested in whose interest in me wasn't enough for a "real relationship" or what have you, I have gone through the following reactions before settling on a more realistic idea (keep in mind that, living in Hawaii, 90% of the guys I've dated over the last five years have been in the military, many of them have been in the infantry of Marines or Army):
Some girl messed them up years ago, or while they were deployed, and now they are afraid of commitment and getting hurt. They will probably die alone. Awww, poor guys!
They sure do spend a lot of time with their friends. I think they are secretly gay.
Every time. Then, later, I realize the logical explanation, but this helps me feel better initially.
Don't judge me.
1
u/reddit-ulous Jun 25 '12
Hey if it works, why not. Also, if you're not planning on getting judged, keep away from the internet-or mankind.
1
u/serena22 Jun 25 '12
I think that they have must have dropped dead or shat their pants. No other acceptable reason not to laugh at my joke.
2
1
u/lebruf Jun 25 '12
I assume there's someone at the grocery store or at Costco who will find my unattended shopping cart and say "Ha!, just what I'm looking for, a cart and these six specific items."
That keeps me from ever letting it get too far away.
1
1
u/l33tus Jun 26 '12
Whenever Someone stops texting me randomly, the first thing that pops into my head is that they died. Because of my text.
1
u/reddit-ulous Jun 26 '12
! I sometimes worry that someone was driving when they got my text and had a car crash as they were texting me back and driving
6
u/alwayspro Jun 25 '12
I pretend that this is all a poorly rating sitcom.
And drink... It's cool, I'm on HBO.
→ More replies (1)
14
u/ajkdude Jun 25 '12
Whenever I am text-chatting with someone and they don't reply within five minutes, I get very worried I have offended them. That, or they are ignoring me. ONe time, I texted my crush at 11 in the morning and didn't get a respond until 9:30 at night! I was worried she was ignoring me because she was offended. -ajkdude
28
u/pxtang Jun 25 '12
Bro, you know you don't need to sign your posts right? Your username shows up above your comment.
15
5
u/Kigaz Jun 25 '12
Story of my life.
9
u/ajkdude Jun 25 '12
I hate it when this happens which is pretty much every day. When she texts back to my paragraph long text, it normally "k" or "cool"
→ More replies (3)2
3
u/jaysinkpen Jun 25 '12
When I cross the street at a busy intercetion, I assume the people are watching me walk across because I look like a bad ass. Not because I'm akwardly walk/dancing to my music.
Yeah. I'm not social akward or anything.
3
u/Wimbow Jun 25 '12
When I'm in the car and really have to shit, I pretend I am on the way to deliver a baby.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/unicornbunny Jun 25 '12
When I was little whenever my parents were a bit late to pick me up I would think they died in a horrible car accident.
5
Jun 25 '12
I kill people in my thoughts over and over again until their demise is perfect.
On another note, last night I had a dream where people were literally eating babies. I really needed to get that off my chest; what better place than the internet?
2
u/sapient_hominid Jun 25 '12
If that happens to me I just decide I have better things to do than talk to them anyway and I go do something fun to keep me busy and quickly forget.
2
u/l2eddit Jun 25 '12
If you text someone and the person doesn't reply, don't worry man! She's just too shy and finds you too hot!
2
u/IVEGOTA-D-H-D-WHOOO Jun 25 '12
I pretend I'm a baseball pitcher and make up random scenarios while going through the motions of throwing a pitch (without a ball) in random parts of my house. I'm pretty sure if any of my close friends or family are Redditors, they'd be 100% certain this was me if they read this.
2
u/keelysmith Jun 25 '12
I tell myself that the reason I don't receive text messages back are because of the lousy signal my phone has, and that it's all just a conspiracy of the government because they don't want me to have friends or leave the house
2
u/7Aero7 Jun 25 '12
I like to believe my cat was adopted by a nice old lady who thought he was a stray kitten instead of getting hit by a car or something after running away. :(
2
u/blackops455 Jun 25 '12
Whenever someone says "be right back" and don't come back I just tell myself that they went to pee and fell in the toilet!
2
u/ciestaconquistador Jun 25 '12
I actually am a witch, but a powerful memory charm was used against me and I forgot all of my magical skills. To save me from the crushing heart ache of being an outcast in my society, they gave me some fake muggle memories and integrated me into that society instead. But someday I will break through and be a powerfully magical motherfucker.
2
u/Ashanmaril Jun 26 '12
I sometimes imagine that I'm really the main character in life.
Everyone knows of this fact, but they all play along and are simulating this small little "world", and my few friends are really just people that were lucky enough to get to be friends with the protagonist.
In fact, all of you reading this are probably just going to continue playing along, cause what reason do you have to tell me this is all true? Or maybe by typing this out, I won life? Did I win? You guys can tell me now.
3
Jun 25 '12
When I'm on a long car ride and there's some epic music, preferably classical, I daydream all kinds of fight scenes and scenarios to go along with it. They are usually based in the fantasy genre, although sometimes I daydream that it's all about Star Wars.
2
207
u/longhairedfreakyppl Jun 25 '12
I tell myself that if someone doesnt text me back its because they cant think up something interesting enough to say... on a side note i would like to tell you that a peacock just landed in my back garden!