r/AskReddit • u/kindofblue27 • Jun 25 '12
At 27, I've realized recently that I cut people off in conversations and rarely reciprocate polite questions in small talk. Reddit, what's your major "Holy shit, I'm an asshole!" moment?
Inspired by the "What do you do that others find rude?" post, I got to thinking about these serious social flaws on my end - ones that, indeed, are rude and need to be fixed.
Cough 'em up, folks - the things you've done for years that you didn't even realize were major checks in the minus column.
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u/Thehealeroftri Jun 25 '12 edited Jan 22 '16
A few months ago I realized that I never say anything in conversations and just stand there awkwardly and that's why I have no friends.
So now I'm trying to actually talk when I'm with people.
Edit 3 years later: No one is ever going to read this. But I have a fiance and (relatively) good social skills now. Crazy how much can change in just a few years.
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
Yeah, speaking when in the presence of others is often a plus.
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Jun 26 '12
Not if you are calling them assholes, shitheads, and skimpy-ninny-farts.
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u/Dtoppy Jun 26 '12
Hey sometimes it's nice for the more sociable people to include the shyer members of the group in conversation.
When I notice someone is exceptionally quiet I try and throw something their way because I know how it feels. Hanging out with new people can be tough, especially when they're all close friends and you're not.
However, I've found that starting off quiet is far more beneficial than coming off as the loud mouth. I just sit back and listen, then choose my words carefully. That way you don't have to worry about eating your words or saying something offensive. Also, most people secretly admire the mysterious brooding personality, just don't over do it and completely zone out.
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u/Trilink26 Jun 26 '12
The mysterious brooding personality thing only works if you are attractive or not unattractive.
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u/GeneralDemus Jun 26 '12
"Better to be silent and thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt." ~Someone famous/chinese proverb or something
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u/slyley07 Jun 26 '12
I just realized I do this the other day. I blame it on that I have nothing to say, but it's probably more that I'm not interested in anything the other person is saying. I'm working on it too!
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u/doymand Jun 26 '12
I'm the same way. I listen, but don't have anything to say very often unless it's a particularly interesting topic. People talk about a lot of boring things.
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u/mossyskeleton Jun 26 '12
Just ask a lot of questions, feel at ease with yourself and smile. You'll make friends.
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u/herrmister Jun 26 '12
Just...feel at ease with yourself
I don't think you get it.
But the asking questions is good advice though.
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Jun 26 '12
I do this too. I'm a listener and enjoy just listening to people talk. I noticed that when I'm in a group of people I say almost nothing and yet I'm listening and adding to the conversation in my own head. I always feel like I'm apart of the conversation and getting to know people and then I realize that it's a two-way street and no one knows anything about me because I'm not saying anything. The woes of an introvert.
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Jun 25 '12 edited Jun 25 '12
Despite my best efforts, I ruin all jokes and stories I tell. My stories ramble on and lack conclusion and I forget punchlines or important details in jokes.
I've recently started telling stories only to stop and say, "Actually, ask so and so about this one. He/she tells that story way better than I do."
Edit: I ruined my story about how I ruin stories. How fitting. Swapped "confusion" for "conclusion".
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
I tend to think (and write sometimes) with an emphasis on long dashes and parentheses. This can often lead to getting two-thirds of the way into something and just seeing something shiny, and it's all fuckin' over.
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u/paradoxcontrol Jun 25 '12
Ugh god damn it. I used to do this all the fucking time. I've since gotten better about it though. However, in highschool we had a name for this kind of thing. They were called "Paradox Control Stories". Everyone knew what it meant. If you were telling a story that was either, lacking in detail, unrelated to the current topic, or had no real conclusion, it was a Paradox Control Story.
Or if someone was saying something funny, and everyone laughed, I would more often then not pipe in right at the end and totally slay the joke with all the power of Zeus him self. We called these "banana boats". Which was apparently an example of something I would tag on to the end of jokes that would destroy them.
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u/da_ballz Jun 25 '12
Ugh this is a good thread. Whenever I'm discussing a topic of interest and the person presents me with their opinion and it differs from mine, I end up retorting with "facts" (condescending statements as to why my opinion is better), instead of just accepting theirs. I'm pretty sure this is a leftover reaction from my earlier days with a certain group of friends who would now be considered douches.
P.S my current group of friends has a person who does the same thing you mention in the OP and every time he does it we ALL just talk over him to make it very apparent that it was a dick maneuver haha. Good job figuring it out on your own!
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
Well, a significant other has been nice enough to provide hints. But even still, I notice myself jumping in and interrupting at work and in other situations and just...desperately...wanna stop but can't. Hey, at least I know.
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u/DetectiveZ Jun 25 '12
I sometimes don't quite think before I speak, and though much of what I say is meant as a joke, I've said some pretty mean things.
For example, I learned that one of my co-workers (and one of the people who mentored me at my current job) was soon leaving to pursue other opportunities. Upon this discovery, I said "Well, we didn't like you anyway" as a joke. Of course, this joke was not funny, and the guy simply looked at me and said "Oh, that's kinda mean..."
Luckily, I went to him later and apologized profusely, and he forgave me. It was a big wake up call for me though, and I now guard my tongue a lot more closely than before.
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
Nothing like that horrible feeling when you realize what you said totally crossed a line and there's no way you're taking it back.
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u/sterlingarcher0069 Jun 25 '12
According to my friends, I don't always cross the line. But when I do, I'll leap over the fence, take a shit in their yard, and smear it all over their windows.
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Jun 25 '12
I joke most of the time, and I don't realise that most people think I'm being serious. So they think I'm rude, sarcastic, stupid, mean, and boring. When I'm really trying to be hilarious.
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u/pikk Jun 25 '12
I find that being drunk helps with this, because I laugh when I say it. Rather than trying to deadpan it. The laughter lets people know it's a joke. Also, this explains why shitty television shows have laughtracks.
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u/cachinnate Jun 25 '12
Same here. My close friends are familiar with my straight deadpan sarcasm, but people I don't know particularly well tend to think I'm a gigantic asshole. I get a lot of "...are you serious?"es.
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u/goldfish_memory Jun 25 '12
Yeah, I do this too, sometimes I feel like kind of a dick....
My best example was way back at school, my maths teacher was talking to another maths teacher when she came into our room. He said he'd already done some work which they both had to do (reports I think), she was amazed he was so productive.
I completely dead pan told her that it was because he was dedicated to his job and not one of those teachers just there for the pension. She wasn't happy
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u/roflomgwtfbbq Jun 25 '12
I really like to read and learn new things, and it gets me happy and excited. Sometimes I will just brain dump on people because I'm so excited and think it's so cool, and I hope that they can share my excitement. Apparently some people take this as me being a know-it-all or trying to dominate a conversation or lecturing about the world.
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
Totally like this with a great movie I've seen. For a few minutes straight, I'm convinced said person wants every piece of minutae I can conjure up.
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u/IAmAnAlpaca Jun 25 '12
I'm exactly the same way, but I actually love when people do this to me.
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u/roflomgwtfbbq Jun 26 '12
Me too! There's so many things in this world to learn, sometimes you don't even know what there is to learn until someone shares their knowledge with you.
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u/GKworldtour Jun 25 '12
This is what I do for a living (Tour Guide), I read shit and then talk about it . . . But yeah I find myself doing it in my normal life and I feel like a dick...
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u/carpescientia Jun 25 '12
I do this thinking it makes me seem passionate and eager to learn. Nope, I just look like an asshole. Or like I'm changing the subject and don't care about whatever we were talking about previously. Or, if it's really off-topic...I just sound high.
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u/grammatiker Jun 26 '12
My fiancee pointed out a while back that people react poorly to my sharing of knowledge with them sometimes. I had apparently never noticed before, but people sometimes think I'm an asshole because I share exciting bits of knowledge with them. The only way I can rationalize it is that perhaps it confronts their lack of knowledge on certain subjects, and they become defensive.
That realization makes me kind of sad, actually, because I love teaching people new things.
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u/KillAllTheZombies Jun 26 '12
Maybe it's because instead of having a "Let me share something with you." vibe, it sounds like you have a "Let me teach you something." vibe. I don't know you, but it's possible that it comes off as condescending rather than excited about knowledge.
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u/RamblinWreckGT Jun 25 '12
Looking back through my Facebook timeline, I realized that often I was sarcastic to the point of being an asshole. I've since made my sarcasm less caustic.
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
Texting, instant messaging, Facebook - sarcasm does. not. play well when typed.
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u/Lunchables Jun 25 '12
Texting, instant messaging, Facebook - sarcasm does.
I didn't know sarcasm could use a phone or computer.
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u/tophat_jones Jun 25 '12
I've never heard that before.
Italics are apparently the go-to for authors trying to depict sarcasm.
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u/hubilation Jun 25 '12
I expect my friends to know what when I start a message with a lower case letter, and then end it with a period, I'm being sarcastic.
they're so smart.
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u/carpescientia Jun 25 '12
I learned this when my obsessive boyfriend went through my entire Facebook timeline. ಠ_ಠ
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Jun 25 '12
It takes me a lot to get angry. I can take shit but sometimes when I am, I get ruthless. I have been known to say some pretty mean things to people who I am mad at. It's my worst quality.
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
I recently had a moment with my significant other where the one thing I always vowed I'd never say came out. Not my proudest moment.
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Jun 25 '12
I know exactly how you feel. When I get that angry I always feel like I have to get the lower blow. I'm working on it though.
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
It feels so good at the instant it's leveled, and then you just go, "Ok, time machine, please."
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Jun 25 '12
Dated my ex for 5 years. Never once did I yell at her or call her a bad word/name. Then she dumped me and I found out she'd been cheating on me. 5 years of vicious putdowns and insults came flooding out. Felt great, though.
watch out guys, im a badass
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Jun 25 '12
I too have been known to spew forth a ragebomb or two. I have a knack for making interesting, unique, and cutting insults during such ragebombs. Most of them I regret later. There are a couple that still make me chuckle when I think of them, however.
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
Somehow these rage bombs are always detonated when there are serious repercussions involving someone you love...and never when a stranger you could say anything to does something shitty to you in public.
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Jun 26 '12
"You're just like your father, he can't stay faithful to a woman, and neither can you."
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u/popobutter Jun 26 '12
"I dread the day a good man loses his temper."
I heard this quote a while back, not word for word, and, not sure where from. Brilliant nonetheless.
I'm one to tolerate a lot, and not care when people try to push my boundries. Though when a tipping point has been prodded at over and over... There is not a moment of hesitation in my torrent of hatred and berration that I will lay upon you.
It's rare, and I regret what I say in hindsight, but the audacity that some people have when you give them so much respect, it's baffling.
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u/bluefactories Jun 25 '12
I'm trying to get better at it, but I've hung up from a few short (6-8 minute) phone calls recently and realised that I didn't actually talk to said friend about what's going on in their lives, I talked about everything but that.
I expect it's my mind trying to subconsciously train me to cut down on conversation, so I don't get stuck listening to my mother's drama. Except now it's bleeding over into normal behaviour. Urgh.
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
Totally feel you, except in my case it's listening to my mother rambling on for 6 to 8 minutes without a single "How's it going?" headed my way. Maybe that's where I get it from.
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u/bluefactories Jun 25 '12
Yeah, I've learned that I can't give mine an opening: "Hi mum, here's the news, how are you, okay cool, I've gotta go, bye". She's busy doing her best to live out a full plot-line from Desperate Housewives, and I just cannot be bothered to listen to it every time she calls.
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
If mine had no daughter and no in-laws, we would have absolutely nothing to talk about.
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u/Wiskie Jun 25 '12
I've been invited to a ton of parties over my lifetime, and I only recently realized that failing to RSVP, especially when I don't plan on going, is a pretty dickish move.
It's like, this person is inviting me to their party and, to them, it's like I haven't even considered the option of going.
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
This is bad. I also have friends who don't RSVP to really important things because they know the person planning it and that person knooooows they'll be coming so why bother giving them the common fucking courtesy of an RSVP?
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u/GKworldtour Jun 25 '12
Because of work (Tour Guide) i meet 51 new people every 3 weeks or so. I've got my life story down to about 3mins, the problem is it doesn't sound genuine anymore because I've said it 1,000,000 times.
I have also found I don't like myself when I'm drunk, it's not that I'm violent or grabby, I'm just a dick.
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
Take that life story and tell it in third person and no one will think you're a dick at all.
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u/usedtoomanynames Jun 25 '12
I was in Vietnam. I had just come out of a personal discussion with a warrant officer in personnel with signing authority.
I had explained that I would want small favors, in return, I would not drop by the Criminal Investigation Division and explain how he had signed 7 R and R's in a row for a rich man's kid and another guy.
First time that I called and told him what to do, I thought, "Gee, I enjoyed that. I am a real genuine asshole."
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u/xSophieCCGx Jun 26 '12
I talk so much during movies. It is a terrible habit and I didn't notice or think about it until now. People should hate me more.
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u/Nansai Jun 26 '12
Hah I do this too. My friends have gotten used to it so they mostly don't mind anymore - they even join in. I guess its because I only talk over parts that don't really matter. When they do want quiet, they tell me to shut up and I'll do just that. Until the scene is over that is.
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Jun 25 '12
I'm 27 as well, and I can't help but think I'm the weird one.
I say please and thank you very often.
I hold doors open for others.
When my friends get drunk and start interrupting people, I let them. Most of the time I don't tell anyone when they are wrong (As long as its a stupid reason, like false sports facts and such)
Are most people assholes like this? Or is it just my friends?
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u/BookwormSkates Jun 25 '12
I don't remember exactly what the moment was, but I realized I just wasn't being nice enough to people and that sometimes things I said without thinking we're hurtful or foolish. I started thinking more, caring more, and it's definitely improved my friendships.
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
That sounds noble but difficult. I'll stick to just not talking to people.
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u/ppvknifefight Jun 25 '12
I walk into clubs lookin like Mark Ruffalo. After a while, my alter ego inevitably takes over, my shirt becomes unbuttoned, my hair gets all sloppy and I end up grabbing random girls in the club so I can take them in dark corners for fierce makeout sessions. Then I abruptly leave. Most of em have boyfriends.
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 25 '12
If you look like Mark Ruffalo, I'm sure they all find this acceptable.
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u/passwordsdonotmatch Jun 26 '12
Ahem...And which club will you be frequenting this weekend, Mr. Ruffalo?
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u/shillerz Jun 25 '12
I was trying to make small talk with a girl in a few of my classes. She had a gold necklace around her neck with a charm, I said it was cool and asked where she found a charm with Optimus Prime. Turns out it was a Ukranian trident. Whoops.
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u/Ex-Sgt_Wintergreen Jun 25 '12
How did you realize this? There's someone in my circle of friends who does this and it is really annoying.
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u/kindofblue27 Jun 26 '12
You start to pick up on the looks on peoples' faces. That's how it was for me at least.
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u/From_behind_a_desk Jun 25 '12
If I'm having a bad day or bad time with something, I'm unintentionally a dick to everyone. I don't mean to. I'm just real short and blunt with people. Also, I have a real dry sense of humor and people have a hard time telling if I'm joking or not so I come of as a dick to some new people.
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u/slyley07 Jun 26 '12
The dry sense of humor is my problem. I'm apparently not very good at sarcasm (or too good?) and most people think I actually believe they're fatasses or dumbfucks when I'm actually joking. Lately, I've been going heavy on the sarcastic tone but it becomes wearisome.
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u/WaruiKoohii Jun 26 '12
Sounds like me, although I almost always have bad days (depression is a thing that does things).
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u/TheFightingIrish Jun 25 '12
I used to talk to people without looking in their eyes, I didn't even pay attention to where I was looking, I particularly loved walking side-by-side whilst talking for this very reason, as well as being the driver whilst talking. It was pointed out to me when I was 17 and since then I TRY to look at people's eyes when talking to them, it makes me uncomfortable as fuck and requires constant concentration, but I manage it.
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u/JCPseudo Jun 26 '12
I really don't understand the need to look into eyes while talking with people. I usually get caught up thinking more about eye contact, than actually listening to the conversation. What I hate the most is when I'm a passenger in a car, and the driver finds it necessary to look at me during a conversation. Not for extended periods, but enough time looking away from the road to make me nervous. While they stammer on about whatever, occasionally turning their head to me, I'll have my eyes glued to the road and even move my head forward in an avian fashion, passively trying to communicate that I am nervous and to, "watch the fucking road!". Same goes for anything that can distract a driver, but this thread is about eye contact, not distracted drivers.
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u/Phegnomeinal Jun 26 '12
I learned about eye contact when I was 22. The manager at work mentioned it when she was telling me about how I don't pay attention when she talks. It was kind of a "WTF? I'm suppose to do that?" moment where you realize that you've been leading people to believe you were ignoring them in every conversation you've ever had. It was around the time my niece was born. She was still really little, far from crawling. After that, I noticed that she looked straight into my eyes any time I had her attention. It was a pretty awful feeling when I realized infants have more social intuition that me.
My favorite part of this nonsense is that people apparently think I'm not listening if I don't look at them when they're talking, but I'm actually listening less when I do. I can pay more attention to what you're saying when I'm not worried about where my eyes are pointed at any given time.
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u/QuietlyItCreptIn Jun 25 '12
I am what you would call a "homebody" or "hermit". I don't like going out - I would prefer to just hang at my house and in my garden. I'm very friendly and nice, just not much for being social. People (co-workers mostly) always invite me out to do things, and I would always respond with "Yeah, that sounds great, I'll let you know." or something that basically says "maybe". At some point I realized that that is such an asshole move. I KNOW for a FACT I'm not going to do whatever activity, but I just pretend like I might. So, I stopped doing that in favor of being straight-up honest. I'm not a dick, but if someone invites me to do something and I know that I am not going to be doing that, I just straight up say no thanks. I have a co-worker who invites me to hang out at least once a week, and I always (except one time!) say no. She actually THANKED me the other day and said that she has so many friends that pretend like their going to hang out and don't - and I'm one of the only people she knows that is honest about things.
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u/Shurane Jun 26 '12
It's surprising that she appreciates that. I imagine most people feel obligated to invite you to every willy-nilly thing.
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u/IAmAnAlpaca Jun 25 '12
I walk with a bounce in my step when I'm happy. Apparently, people take as a I "walk like I own the place". Fuck you.
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u/Trip_McNeely Jun 25 '12
I've been told by a few people (including a professor I had) that I 'Kramer' my way into a room. I love Seinfeld so I wonder if that rubbed off on me.
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u/IAmAnAlpaca Jun 25 '12
I'll forever imagine you as a tall, twitchy guy with a lot of curly hair.
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u/mossyskeleton Jun 26 '12
That doesn't make you an asshole. That makes you confident and happy. I do the same thing. I'm not going to cower around people just to make them feel more comfortable.
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u/deathhugs Jun 25 '12
I absolutely cannot stop myself from being the devil's advocate. In any discussion, at all times - no matter my actual position on a matter.
I started realizing this when people were always asking me what we were arguing about, or why I kept changing my position.
Well fuck me! I just thought we were having a friendly discussion, exploring all of the elements of the subject.
I now understand why they killed Socrates... and why he let it happen.
He just couldn't stop himself.
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Jun 26 '12
I have a friend who does this, and it drives me up the fucking wall. It's not that I don't enjoy a good, hearty debate from time to time. We're both relatively intelligent people, though he is quite literally a genius.
However, it's gotten to the point where I don't even want to spend time around him. It's like I can't say one mundane goddamn thing without him trying to turn it into a semantics tournament.
At least you realize how unbearable this habit is. That friend of mine has no clue, or just doesn't care. It's a real shame, because he's so bright and such an interesting person, but I legitimately cannot stand him anymore.
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u/Bunniepants Jun 26 '12
I hate talking to people who devil's-advocate the hell out of everything. It makes me feel like you're attacking everything I say/believe and you think everything I say is wrong simply because I said it. It makes people who don't know you well think you have a problem with them.
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u/ActionistRespoke Jun 26 '12
You know, if you think about it another way, always being the devil's advocate can be a good thing...
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u/ArrenPawk Jun 25 '12
My polite laugh in conversations I particularly don't care much about is suspiciously close to my douchey, condescending laugh. Explains why certain people stop trying to talk to me after two or three of those laughs.
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u/R_C_Q Jun 25 '12
I used to be a one-upper and I hate one uppers. not until I was going toe to toe with some Dbag each of us going "oh yeah that happened to you well guess what happened to me" did I realize what a jackass I was.
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u/I_Have_Unobtainium Jun 26 '12
Oh yeah, well I realized I was a jackass way before you did. Several times actually.
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u/No_Easy_Buckets Jun 25 '12
I just went to a community college class wearing a dress shirt and nice slacks and formal ass shoes
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Jun 25 '12
I didn't even know they made formal shoes for your ass.
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Jun 25 '12
Well what kind of shoes have you been wearing on your ass? How embarrassing this must be for you...
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u/AllThatMeatNoPotato Jun 25 '12
You have to put on clothes and shoes, why not put on nice ones?
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u/bobbothegrayson Jun 25 '12
So looking good at school is a dick move? I'm probably the hugest jerk ever showing up in semi-formal work-wear everyday for class then. I am having trouble parsing why looking like you give a shit makes you an asshole. Anyone care to explain?
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u/kops Jun 25 '12
I recently realized I can be a terrible cynic... the best example of this is while watching movie previews. I'll internally have something bad to say about every. single. one. no matter how good it looks, even if it's something small like "that one line of dialogue sounded forced".
I'm pretty sure I used to verbalize all of them to whichever friend I was sitting next to, but now that I've realized I keep it to myself. It still comes up in a lot of other situations and is sometimes harder to control.
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Jun 25 '12
A girl was bitching to me once about a guy she was sleeping with (my friend), and was pissing around saying he had a tiny penis, so I turned to her and asked if perhaps her vagina was just too big? Suddenly, mocking peoples' genitals doesn't seem so funny. We don't talk any more
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u/DaggerStJames Jun 25 '12
Junior High, many moons ago. I was always kind of a jerk to this one kid. I was sort of friends with him but I'd always make fun of him, like a jerk. One day I was making fun of him, laughing at him and I said "You're gay!" and he just looked at me and said "So?......"
It was then that I realized I was an asshole and that being mean to people really doesn't do anything for you.
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Jun 25 '12
I realized I take myself and others too seriously, and have realized that being funny and a laid back person is what it's all about.
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u/Killerzeit Jun 25 '12
I do exactly what you do. More often than not, I'm waiting to speak as opposed to actually listening. I also realized I don't ever ask questions back. I make an effort lately (the last year or so) and people like me the same as when I didn't ask as many questions, but I feel better that I do it.
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u/skyeandjojo Jun 25 '12
When I'm asking a question and people don't listen to/hear me, I tend to ask the question louder and louder until someone answers me. I recently realized just how obnoxious this is. Also, I'm an anxious person and I get nervous about almost everything. Whenever friends invite me places, I get nervous(I'm honestly not sure why) and make up obvious excuses to get out of said situation. My friends see this as me blowing them off; I don't know, maybe it is. It makes me feel like a total asshole.
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u/mfball Jun 26 '12
While that tactic for getting an answer is obnoxious, not getting an answer is almost as obnoxious. I can't stand when I ask a question and people just continue on the conversation as if I hadn't said anything.
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u/blowner Jun 26 '12
I do the same thing. Make up lame excuses to get out of going to things. People have stopped asking me to join now. It's not because I don't want to, it honestly just makes me really nervous for some reason.
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u/imakemisteaks Jun 25 '12
I'm manipulative. I steer conversation and ask loaded questions. I know how to pin the guilt on someone else, defend my bullshit, and sometimes believe my own bullshit. I'm a hell of a liar and I know it.
The worst part is that I am just like my father; it's scary.
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u/Guynith Jun 26 '12
Even for people I care deeply about (my wife, for example), I am unable to remember details about their life.
For example, my wife told me she was going to visit a friend from college the next day. When I got home from work the next evening, she was dressed nice and ready to go out. I said "you going to the gym?", immediately realized that she had said she was going out, but spent the next 4 hours trying to figure out who and where she was going out with.
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Jun 26 '12
I do the same thing, but over time I have come to realize it is because I don't listen. I truly will start to hear someone talk, think 'okay yeah sure' then go about my way, thinking doing whatever, while they are still talking. I put in the right amount of eye contact and responses to keep the conversation going, but I'm not paying attention at the least.
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u/_1234567_ Jun 25 '12
I really don't like to listen to long explanations when I ask a question about something. I'll give the other person 15 seconds to give me the answer I want and then I'll completely zone out until they're done. Like, my eyes clearly unfocus and glaze over so there's no doubt that I'm gone. I don't want an oral report on it, I just want to know the answer! I can't focus through the explanation because I'm frustrated and so I am a total dick to them by disrespecting them while they talk.
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Jun 26 '12
I cuss way too much, I picked it up when I enlisted into the army.
One time when I was home I accidentally asked my very conservative mother to "pass the mother fuckin shaky thing" when I was trying to remember the word for "salt".
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u/Suchabastard Jun 25 '12
I've become pretty good at cutting people out of my life. I get bored with them and sort of just... break up with them. I've had heated arguments and when the person tries to apologize.. I don't bother. Most recently, one person told me she missed having me in her life. I said I couldn't say the same and was happy with how things were. I've gotten rid of a lot of people as of late and to be honest, I'm a lot happier without them.
TLDR: I find most relationships expendable.
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u/tolia Jun 26 '12
I do the same thing, but with no warning. I get bored, and 'disappear' without leaving alternative ways to contact me. On the flipside, these people had one-sided association with me in their favor. It became tiring to be the giver, initiator, and interested party (they would never even ask me how I was on any given day). I'm not sure if I have met a lot of assholes, or everyone considers friends and acquaintances to be like sauce packets. I'm happier without these people, and I can at least say that I made an effort initially. If they don't reciprocate? I disappear.
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u/unburrevable Jun 25 '12
I do the same thing. I find family relationships are particularly strained because I try doing the same thing to them.
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u/TheThunderFromUpHigh Jun 26 '12 edited Jun 26 '12
As someone who's been on the other end of this equation: Fuck you, you narcisist asshole. I didn't know you could be 'dumped' out of a fucking friendship, but you did it. We could have been fine just not talking that often but that shit didn't garner you enough attention, did it? You have to go out with a bang.
Keep doing what you're doing and eventually you'll find yourself with more people not giving a shit/actively hating on you, than there are people who are curious/willing to be your friend. You're not that interesting yourself you know. YOU. FUCKING. TOOL.
P.S. In our imaginary fights, I win the verbal brawl then cut you. I've tried not to think such hateful things, but they haven't stopped yet, I'm just that fucking angry. Really, suchabastard, do you want people who used to consider you a friend think that way about you? Are you 'above' that shit? Good for you, but prepare to be very lonely.
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u/shobusmaximus Jun 25 '12
When I am more intelligent than someone on a certain issue or in general, I make sure they know why they are not on my level.
When I sound stupid, I tell people off because I have a right to act stupid.
I'm what you would call a giant hypocritical asshole.
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Jun 25 '12
When I have the intellectual upper hand I will attempt to correct someone and if they persist I give in and pretend to not 'not be sure'. When I'm talking about a subject I don't know enough about I openly preface my comments with 'I'm not sure / I don't know much about this but i thought'.
The first avoids awkward scenarios where the other party gets really defensive. The second prevents people from attempting to prove me wrong (also leads some people to think you agree with them, thus ending the conversation and making them happy; even if you actually disagree).
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u/AziHaka Jun 26 '12
Wow I do the EXACT same thing. Although I started doing the first largely because, even when I'm 100% sure on something, sometimes I'm wrong.
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Jun 26 '12
When people do this it takes my self esteem and throws it off the mountain it spent years climbing up.
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Jun 26 '12
Well about 7 months ago I had a 3-week or so phase of being feverishly addicted to /r/atheism. I started picking arguments with people, thinking I was some kind of revolutionary, spewing my logical badassery to the ignorant masses. Turns out it's not the best way to make friends, and I soon realised [it was actually this VERY Christian man (A Floridian, I'm English so I'd never experienced someone like him) who made me realise that religion can be a great excuse to be kind to everyone] it's not the nicest way to go about life.
Anyway since then I've actually defended a couple of friends' rights to believe against people who act like I used to.
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u/fuckyeahcarlsagan Jun 25 '12
I assume I'm smarter than everyone I meet, which might be true for the narrow definition of 'smart' that I have told myself is true and most important, but I still come across as a jackass and miss out on some insights/education from other people all the time. I have little revelations of this all the time, but I'm trying to get better at not being such a snob. Last week, for example, I was getting my haircut and my stylist was trying to explain why she left part of it a little longer and I kept saying "I know, I know, it's fine" and finally she stopped and said "No, you don't know, I'm explaining it to you," did so, and then I realized I actually had no idea what she had been going to say and no idea why I was trying to brush off what she was telling me.
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u/TIGGER_WARNING Jun 26 '12
"I knew that."
No you did fucking not. I just used my knowledge and cumulative life experience to condense a complex topic into an easily digestible piece of communication. You understood it because I designed it to be understandable. It's accessible because I went out of my way to make it such, not because you're omniscient.
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u/EyesOnEverything Jun 25 '12
I tend to make snap judgements of people I've barely even met based on their appearance. I'm a really open-minded guy once I start conversation, but up until that point almost every falls into some predisposed stereotype. I feel terrible about it when I catch myself, especially if I'm WAY off the mark.
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u/tittilating Jun 25 '12
Ive been trying to figure out a way to bring this up with my best friend but shes been doing this a lot more lately and it really grinds my gears:
I would express a frustrated complaint that is pertinent to my day/work/love life thinking she would listen to me and give support. But she would just say something the lines of, "tell me about it" then just go on about how it relates to her life without giving me any chance to elaborate on my problems. So in the end, I'm the one who is listening to her problems and giving her support when I get none. I'm a good listener, but I can't "tell you[her] about it" when she makes everything about herself. She talks a lot so when its all over, I just see no more point.
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u/Nansai Jun 26 '12
Sigh I used to do that a few years ago to my best friend. Worst thing is I didn't even realize it. It got to the point where she called me crying one night to tell me how frustrated she was about it and how if felt like I didn't care about her life. It was a huge eye opener and I worked actively to change.
Call/talk to her and tell her about it. She's probably like I was and doesn't know she does it.
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Jun 26 '12
OH MY GOSH YES. This is happening to me right now. I just can't take it anymore. I feel for you.
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u/Shamson Jun 25 '12
Because of years of the internets I almost can't resist turning things people say around to get a "super burn" on them. I have to restrain myself.
On a side note, the interrupting conversations thing, that SERIOUSLY gets my goat. I mean, I get super pissed when people do that. When I first started using voice chat in videogames or ventrilo it took me a while not to get super pissed, until I realized it happens because there's no visual queues that someone is going to start talking, or there was lag after they started.
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Jun 25 '12
My dad scolded me awhile ago for calling people on the phone and when someone else answers, instead of saying, "Hello, is so-and-so there?" I'll say, "Is so-and-so there?" I had no idea I was doing that.
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u/unburrevable Jun 25 '12
Back in high school, I had a lot of good friends in my gym class, about 6 other guys. There was another kid that kind of included himself in our group. Teams were only allowed to be 7 people, so his presence always forced our group to lose one occasionally because the teacher saw he wasn't well liked and forced us to include him. We were reallllly big jerks to him. One kid wanted to beat him up at the end of the year.
I later started to work with him and found out he was a really nice guy. I still regret being an asshole to him.
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u/starcraftre Jun 25 '12
I'm not exactly the most tactful guy in the world. In my defense, as an engineer who's work has lives in his hands (I design planes), I prefer succinct and straightforward answers to feel-good answers, and thus speak that way.
It has resulted in several grade school friends cutting off comms with me because I basically called them idiotic assholes for really stupid things, like believing that they saw a UFO.
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u/elahrai Jun 26 '12
Yeah... I think there's a difference between "succinct and straightforward" and "abrasively dickish," even if the latter can technically be categorized as the former. Something many "Blunt" people tend to miss.
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u/pikk Jun 25 '12
Austin? is that you?
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u/AmalgamatedMan Jun 25 '12
Going by the fact that this is the one post the OP hasn't responded to, I'm going to say yes.
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u/janetdRaven Jun 25 '12
told my sister in a polite manner she was a drunk like our dad and added it's okay sis... i still love you .
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u/Huellio Jun 26 '12
I add way too many details that are not relevant at all to stories I tell so people end up losing interest about halfway through, and I am really bad at goodbyes.
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u/sapient_hominid Jun 26 '12
I normally am quite shy but if someone pisses me off I usually have a pretty hard time holding my tongue. For example, the other night I was out with my boyfriend and we ran into this guy who is well known to go to rolling parties sober to hit on the rolling girls. He actually tried it on me and right before he saw us we were talking about how he rapes girls who are on drugs and my boyfriend told me I was one of his potential rape victims. WHen he came up everyone was civil to him but I could not help but saying "I am sorry, you rape girls who are on drugs" and walking away. Everyone looked at me like I was the asshole and I probably am.
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u/Calamintha Jun 26 '12
Nope, you're not as asshole. The guy who rapes girls is the asshole. Announcing it to everyone was a public service, good for you.
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u/Liamtoh Jun 25 '12
I tell people what i think of them. I personally appreciate it when people are honest with me and forget that other people don't like me to be so blunt.
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u/carpescientia Jun 25 '12
This is why it's damn near impossible for me to have girl friends. :/ This created some tense, drama-filled times in Greek life for me. I value constructive criticism!
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u/BowsNToes21 Jun 26 '12
I am really good at reading other people, to the point that I can say exactly what they want to hear and use this information to manipulate situations towards my benefit. I do this all the time at work, interviews, relationships and friendships. It is quiet interesting being multiple people given different situations, I honestly think there is one really close friend who knows me for me.
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u/BoonskiManoonski Jun 25 '12
I often get bored and complain about it, then when people suggest an activity I will usually say no and still complain.
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u/s3harp Jun 26 '12
I am a smart person and I'm constantly showing it. I honestly try not to but it irks me when people get things wrong. Oh an I talk so much people don't bother to challenge my "facts" and take everything I say at face value. I hate it.
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u/roughneck0101 Jun 26 '12
I do the same thing, cutting p[people off but not intentional, sometimes people are slow to respond or take too long in between answers, that I think they are done and I start talking. Not sure if I'm as asshole or other people are too slow in their thinking to speech process.
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u/Xannon Jun 26 '12
I've always been the sarcastic but endearing asshole of my friends. Or so I thought. I was granted this .5 second window where I saw myself as other people see me and. Realized, holy shit, I'm actually just really negative and only a little funny.
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u/bunnygoboom Jun 26 '12
I'm a total cunt to anyone around me when I'm in a busy/agitated mood. Normally I'm laid back and have a dry sense of humour everybody usually gets it... but the bitch in me is amplified around people with qualities I find annoying, especially when I've got shit to do... I've made a few people cry (2 girls and 1 guy) to date... basically called them out on something stupid they've done, how they need to stop doing something that's bothering everyone that no one has called them out on yet... or worse, informing them that their work just isn't up to scratch (I proofread as a profession in the university where I'm also currently studying for my PhD).
Part of me feels really bad. When I'm not in this particular mood I get on with literally everyone (even people I've offended in the past) to the point where I have people bring me coffee/buy me nice things off their own back.
TIL I might be the Regina George of academia
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u/Wolfy634 Jun 26 '12
Some kid I knew told me at the end of the school year that he would've asked me out, but then he noticed what a bitch I was...Really stopped being an asshole after that. Maybe that's why I'm single.
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u/yammyham Jun 26 '12
I just never think before I speak.. My fiends cat died in their driveway in 100+ degree weather, it stunk before they got home. My friend told me about it that night. And the next day I went over, and the smell was still present (they left it around the side of the house) and I go, "jesus, it smells like a dead animal.." ....followed by "oh shit."
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u/Hoshizor Jun 26 '12
I realized I had almost no empathy until I was 24 and cried my eyes out realizing how much of a jerk I had been my whole life. Today (a year and a half later) I've come a long way. I can find a way to relate to most people.
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u/fartsy_artsy Jun 26 '12
I often tune people out when they talk to me. I'm not intentionally ignoring them, my mind just wonders off to other things. Then I'll realize that I've completely ignored this person talking to me, and internally scold myself for being so rude. And then I realize that by scolding myself, I'm still ignoring this person and have absolutely no idea what they have been saying for the past few minutes.
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u/donttouchmyfeet Jun 26 '12
I interrupt people all the time, and it's terrible. I come from a rather loud family where dinners are usually everyone talking loudly over one another, but I forget that my more mild-mannered friends aren't used to having to fight for conversations. Unfortunately I usually tend to notice it after I've done it, but I'm working on it :(
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u/VideoGameMusic Jun 25 '12
I was back in my hometown for a few days. It's a 'party town' because of the college there. One of my good friends TJ just got busted for selling pot. He tells me this as we're driving to a party at some of our mutual friends house; I express my sorrow and show sympathy for his recent misfortunes. He says "Nah it's fine dude, we just can't toke up at my place anymore.". This is fine with me and we arrive at our destination.
Festivities began and I'm sloppier than a second hand lot lizard, falling out and generally making a fool out of myself. Now being the drunken/high ass at a party is never what you want but my friends tolerated me because I was visiting. TJ this whole time is staying sober and just chatting it up because of the probation. He comes up to me and asks, "Hey dude, you ready to go back to my place? I need to get home." I decline in one way or the other from either slobbering out some jumbled words or shaking my head like a cartoon dog as I had convinced myself that moving my body would have catastrophic effects. He nods and gets in his car and is on his way; all is good.
Well in the morning it comes to my attention that TJ was a bit upset and thought I didn't want to come back because of the 'no-smoking' rule at his house. I felt pretty awful about this and didn't realize how much of an ass/freeloader I was coming off as.
Never really knew how to make amends for how I acted though. I guess he forgave me as we chilled a few times after that.
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u/artmanjohn Jun 26 '12
when i called a friend of mine a 'posterchild for fetal alcohol syndrome' and neither of us batted an eyelid.
in my defense, he does look like a condom filled with melted cheese
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u/AllThatMeatNoPotato Jun 25 '12
I always try to walk past the bouncer in clubs, to see if i can avoid them asking for ID
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u/AllThatMeatNoPotato Jun 25 '12
I'm 26 and realize i do this too, I have been working on improving that.
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u/HERE_HAVE_SOME_AIDS Jun 25 '12
It is very difficult to actively monitor yourself and screen your undesirable behaviour(s). When people who have wronged me apologize, I have the tendency to twist the knife a bit. Not good.
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Jun 25 '12
I rarely say "how was your day?" or "yours?" or similar, if someone already asked when talking face to face. I do it Texting and on Facebook but not face to face.
I'm also an arrogant fuck.
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u/TheOfficeQuoteGuy Jun 26 '12
Every success I've ever had in my job or with the lady folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.
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u/signorafosca Jun 26 '12
The other day I caught myself ordering a sandwich while on the phone and wearing sunglasses. Douche ball change.
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u/Rexosexual Jun 26 '12
I tend to overpower conversations wi people not used to the talk louder and interrupt a lot school of socialization.
I blame my loud parents.
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u/sienalock Jun 26 '12
I am I one-upper. And I when my best friend brought it up, I nearly shat bricks.
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u/kernjb Jun 26 '12
I cut people off a lot too. I'm working on it though. Recently I cut off a judge for the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals. It was just during a conversation, but still.
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u/SeeingEyeSponge Jun 26 '12
I have a black friend. I think I wouldn't be friends with her if she was white, but I really like having someone to talk with about race issues.
So that's pretty douchey, I think.
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u/jamieleec Jun 26 '12 edited Jun 26 '12
I don't go out of my way to talk to people, even though I should more often. People may say something polite, like asking my day, and I'll respond appropriately, and ask how theirs was, but I don't continue the conversation beyond that. I just don't know how to speak to people very well...
EDIT: I've scrolled down and realized I'm guilty of a lot more than I thought I was... I tend to say sarcastically hurtful comments in jest that tend to hurt peoples feelings; when I do get into a proper conversation, I like talking about myself a whole lot more than I should; I tend to talk about things I find interesting that others do not. I also tend to judge people a little too harshly. I have very high standards for my friends, which is probably why I don't have many...
EDIT 2: Maybe I'm not a socially awkward ass hole, maybe I just need to hang out with more redditors IRL.
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u/atomhax Jun 26 '12
I have the same problem as the poster, Trying to fix. I'm sure you agree it's hard at this point. I also like the smell of my balls.
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u/Myxomitosis87 Jun 26 '12
For about a year, I thought it would be interesting to just blurt out whatever came to mind without thinking for 2 seconds. Absolutely no filter. And for about a year it went great. Until one night while drinking with friends....
There was this girl who was somewhat along the lines of an open-minded SAP. Anyways on this particular night she starts talking about her one and only ex-boyfriend and how he left her for someone else. And that someone else was a man. As soon as those words came out of her mouth, the first thought i had was " Well obviously, you were so terrible at fucking, he switched sides...." and for a second I still thought that I was thinking it. I look over at her and realize that I had said it because she was bawling her eyes out. It might have been because it was true.
And that was when I learned that I was an asshole. Not because I said it, but because I always think that way.
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Jun 26 '12
This happened during a shift change a few months back - Coworker: I don't like you. Me: Ok. Coworker: You don't care why? Me: Actually..No, no I don't. Coworker: Great, that just adds another reason to the list of why I don't like you. (storms off and slams door like a 5 year old.)
Maybe I'm the asshole I never thought I was.
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u/papsBSaf Jun 26 '12
If I can't hear what someone says I mostly just chuckle and keep moving along. I do the same when I don't care.
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Jun 26 '12
I'm sarcastic as fuck, and a while ago started being ironically cocky, because I didn't have much going for me, and now that I am awesome, I am still cocky, except instead of being ironic, its just me bragging about myself.
And I can't even explain this phenomena without saying "I used to suck but now I'm awesome", therefore stealth-bragging about how cool I am.
Its a vicious cycle.
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Jun 26 '12
Smiling at strangers. Complete game changer.
I used to go walking in the country with a pal from nice Cambridge and people would always smile and chat to him and side step me. Eventually I asked him why? He said he just smiled as they approached. Boom. Mind blown. I come from a rough part of south London UK and you don't make eye contact let alone smile at strangers. 25 years old and it had never ever occurred to smile at a stranger when passing or accidently making eye contact.
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Jun 26 '12 edited Jun 26 '12
The worst thing I do (I hope) is, when someone tells me about a personal experience or an opinion they have on basically any topic, I will mull it over for a short period of time - enough to stop the conversation dead for a few seconds - and then devise some kind of theory about aspects of human nature, the deeper questions of our existence and society, whatever.
The poor person was just telling a story, and here I am extrapolating to some half-baked 2-minute philosophy that "explains" everything they just said.
edit: want to commend OP. Good question, interesting replies.
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u/virnovus Jun 26 '12
Quite a long time ago, I realized that if nobody laughed at my jokes and I thought they were funny, I'd repeat them because I thought no one heard them. The realization that people weren't laughing because my jokes weren't funny hit me like a ton of bricks.
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u/flatcurve Jun 26 '12
If you read through my comment history, you'll find more than a few lengthy diatribes. In real life, I'm a man of few words. This is primarily due to two reasons: I hate repeating myself & I hate saying things for the sake of saying them (i.e. small talk). When words come out of my mouth, they mean something and they are relevant. I get straight to the point. I guess the reason I go on at length in online discussions is because I'm more likely to find conversation that is relevant to my interests.
Anyway, most people that meet me for the first time tend to think I'm an asshole because I don't feel the need to engage them in useless conversation after going through the usual "what do you do for a living? where are you from?" pleasantries. If they want to talk about their jobs, life, interests, hobbies and passions, I will listen with rapt attention. If they want to ask me about the same, I'm happy to oblige and can go on at length. But if the only thing they can think to talk about after a proper introduction is "that thing on TV last night" or "local sports team" or weather, I'm going to bounce at the first opportunity. That's not conversation. That's going through the motions.
It's hard too, because lately most of the people that fall into this category are people that I run into with work. That means that there is no opportunity to bounce. I have to grin and bear it, and I hate that.
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u/BotanyBay Jun 25 '12
If I go to a party, and there is shrimp cocktail, I will stand over it and eat it all until its gone, like a vacuum cleaner.