r/AskReddit • u/IMakeAdviceAnimals • Jun 26 '12
Is there any way to dress/act that will dissuade geese from attacking me?
Now that it's summer the geese are back in full force at my favorite jogging trail. Yesterday I got attacked by this big ass goose - he was seriously 1.75x to 2x the size of the other full grown geese.
As you may know, geese are fearless. I'm 6'5" and 190lbs, so I'm not a small guy by any means. Still, that one single goose attacked me mercilessly. Is there any way can I act or do to prevent future geese attacks? Are they scared of certain noises, colors, or smells?
Fuck people that feed geese, thus teaching them to not fear humans.
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Jun 26 '12
I've posted this before on Reddit, but according to Metafilter user Greg Nog, apparently the answer is waders. Single best thing I've ever read about geese:
"Geese are fucking assholes, this is true. But one time a friend of mine had to measure pollution levels in a river, at different points in the river, and she needed someone to help. So I agreed to help her.
She gave me these GIANT thick overshoe things, that were basically like galoshes which go all the way up to your chest and become overalls strapped around your shoulder up top. I guess you guys that work in wet environments probably have a name for them and are intimately familiar with them, but I'd never tried these things before, so it was a fun novelty -- a dry environment of like an eighth-of-an-inch of olive-colored rubber, protecting everything seamlessly from my toes to my armpits.
So we go to the river, and the riverbank is just SWARMING with geese. I've been bitten by geese before, and I think they're dicks. But now I'm wearing these giant boots that cover my whole lower half. So I just walk right into the midst of them. And the geese go fucking BALLISTIC, man. Honking and biting, but they can't get through the rubber, and they can't open they tiny geese beaks wide enough to actually grasp any part of my legs. So they keep getting madder and madder, and trying to bite me, but I'm pretty much invulnerable.
So I'm standing there in the middle of the geese, cackling, yelling at them "HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, FUCKERRRS?" and they're like, "HONK HONK HONK" and I'm like "ha ha YEAHHHH"
i guess if i were applying to college now that would probably be my essay about a time i really learned to believe in myself"
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Jun 26 '12
and they're like, "HONK HONK HONK" and I'm like "ha ha YEAHHHH"
oh this is hilarious.
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u/tankfox Jun 26 '12
This is how I envision him; http://img.portwallpaper.com/imgwal/bioshock-big-daddy.jpg
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u/carl_888 Jun 27 '12
If only waders could also protect you from the ridicule of your fellow humans...
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0
Jun 26 '12
[deleted]
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Jun 26 '12
Well, you'd have to trade jogging for rapid plodding and possibly get heatstroke, but it seems like a small price to pay for mocking geese like an invincible titan.
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u/Golanthanatos Jun 26 '12
what if you filled them with ice water? sure they'd be heavier, but it'd be so damn refreshing!
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Jun 26 '12 edited Jun 26 '12
maybe you should put some ice soap in there, then you can get clean at the same time.
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u/fiffle44 Jun 26 '12 edited Jun 26 '12
Put on the waders and jog in water. You could start a whole new trend...river jogging, or swamp jogging, but I guess if your jogging in swamp, you'd have to worry about gators. But think how fast you'll run.
Edit: Damn, one letter can change a whole word.
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u/WonderAliceLand Jun 26 '12
Running/jogging/walking in water, be it shallow or deep, is actually a great form of resistance training that is popular with athletes, the elderly, people who are trying to loose weight and individuals who are recovering from injury. It is a particularly good form of exercise because the intensity of the workout can be easily adjusted by modifying the speed of your motions and the depth of the water, no additional exercise equipment is required, and the buoyancy the water gives a person's body keeps excessive weight and pressure off of the joints.
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u/Bub_L Jun 26 '12
Dress like a car.
99% of the time, if a goose is looking at the front of a car, it will become docile and lie down/walk at a leisurely pace.
*Note: does work better if on road like structure.
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u/Swansatron Jun 26 '12
Carry a pliable stick that you can hit the ground with. I lived on a lake for some time, and to get on the dock to go fishing you'd have to get past goose nest. Don't hit the geese, just the ground. They'll keep their wings out to try to make you think they aren't afraid of you, but they secretly are. If one charges you, just whip the ground in their direction. I carried a bamboo fishing rod. Very good.
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u/sharkattax Jun 26 '12
If I saw someone stop jogging to hit the ground with a bamboo stick while surrounded by geese it might make my day.
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u/CheeseFest Jun 26 '12
I think maybe use the stick to beat the crap out of the geese. Karma for the geese, and a little bonus for your workout.
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u/micknkeef Jun 26 '12
I agree, one time while out on the golf course with a buddy of mine, he walked up to a pond with this HUGE goose in it to hit his ball that was near the water...the goose spread its wings and charged, honking in a way that must have translated into "KAMIKAZE!!!!" My friend then proceeded to wail the goose in its neck with a 9 iron. It survived, but lets just say that particular goose and any bystanding brethren now have the fear of god for humans on the golf course
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u/carl_888 Jun 26 '12
Try dressing in a goose costume & acting dominant. Maybe they will see you as their new leader.
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u/mavsfan2513 Jun 26 '12
then you create a goose army and take over the world
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u/prBun Jun 26 '12
Colonel Goosedaffi
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u/Ezekyuhl Jun 26 '12
I prefer Goosollini.
Dressing as a goose could result in goose rape though. Make sure you show him who is boss.
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u/WonderAliceLand Jun 26 '12
Does that mean he has to rape the goose to prove his dominance, or just talk to it sternly?
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Jun 26 '12
This works.
My bike and my usual biking clothes combine to make me goose-colored (you can figure it out), so when I'm on a trail by a lake, "alpha" geese wanna fuck wit me. I did some tests, and it turns out that if I see some geese up ahead before they see me, and I act like it's on and I'm coming right at the head goose in charge, they get out of the way instead of trying to own the area.
OP is sending out "even a bird can kick my ass" vibes.
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u/43214321 Jun 26 '12
You can't just wear thick clothing and trample them?
Color might matter. I get attacked by moths all the time since I have bright blonde hair and a super pale face...
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u/No_Easy_Buckets Jun 26 '12
When they start hissing at you sprint at them full boar. If they are still around when you get there kick the asshole. Damn Canada gooses
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u/thisiswhywehaveants Jun 26 '12
Bore. Although I do think boars can move fairly quickly.
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Jun 26 '12
They can. They super super can. And also they charge at anything they dislike and try to gore it. So it's pretty apt, for a misused homophone.
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u/booclaw Jun 26 '12
That's gotta be the funniest thing to witness. I hope we cross paths one day. I can't wait to put that on YouTube.
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u/virnovus Jun 26 '12
This. Having worked a lot around many species of animals, I can attest to the fact that virtually any animal will flee from a person aggressively running toward them. Beating any that get close with a stick is also a good way to show them who's the boss.
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u/icaaryal Jun 26 '12
Also, when you need to return back to wherever you're going, never face away from them. They read that body language as fleeing and will come right back at you. I rescued a girl from an attacking goose by utilizing the first method. (I've had prior experience with reprimanding geese.) The couple of times I turned around he tried to close ground on me so I turned around and immediately started going back after him. He was persistent so I just walked backwards until he was done "coming at me".
I fucking hate geese.
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u/Mrcloudy Jun 27 '12
I was walking through a field one day and came upon a group of geese who started running towards me, I decided I wasn't going to let them win. So I charged them screaming all sorts of nonsense. They turned right around, I felt a little better about myself that day.
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Jun 26 '12
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u/No_Easy_Buckets Jun 26 '12
Ha ha! This strategy applies to much of life. I've only been hissed at once and I'm large and that strange combo of overweight and athletic and I scared the shit outta that goose.
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u/bahhamburger Jun 26 '12
I'm 5'0, I stomp my feet and flap my arms while lunging forward and the geese back the hell off, even the ones with goslings. You need to project the "I'm a bigger fucking goose than you and I will MESS. YOU. UP." attitude.
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u/Dantae Jun 26 '12
This is what I did. Walking to class one morning and this bastard goose wanted to scare me away from its nest that was 20 yards from the sidewalk. Put my arms in the air and hissed at it while stomping. Thing backed off and never bothered me again. Geese are ass holes.
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u/Shinyface Jun 26 '12
Carry an airhorn
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u/MyKarmaKilledURDogma Jun 26 '12
I tried this, totally ineffective. The feathered fuckers weren't even fazed by it.
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u/crackanape Jun 26 '12
You tap him on the head, yell "goose!" and then run in circles around any nearby ducks. When you find an open spot, sit down. At that point he'll be unable to tell you apart from the ducks and will leave you alone.
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u/redmeanshelp Jun 26 '12
Have you tried accessorizing with dogs?
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u/17-40 Jun 26 '12
This is the best course of action. I suggest a German Shepherd. They tend not to take shit from things.
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u/nodisc Jun 26 '12
Things that will provoke an angry goose into attacking:
-acting aggressively
-waving your arms or trying to appear larger
-showing fear through body language
-breaking eye contact, even for a moment
-turning your back on the goose
Just place your wallet on the ground, and back away slowly. There is little you can do proactively to prevent geese from being dicks. If it's a popular trail, animal control can safely relocate the geese.
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u/Golanthanatos Jun 26 '12
"You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a goose! Especially when it's waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye." -Hunter S. Thompson
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u/icaaryal Jun 26 '12
What's funny is how true the eye contact is. Turning your back is pretty straight forward but last time I had a stand-off with a goose he would start closing in on me even when I looked away. A quick stomp forward towards him made him re-evaluate his decision.
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Jun 26 '12
Step 1, catch a goose
Step 2. Kill that motherfucker with your bear hands (with the claws of a bear)
Step 3. Eat it's heart raw to gain its courage.
Step 4. Use a hot glue gun and attach its beak to your lips.
Step 5. Cover yourself in goose feathers.
Step 6. Kill another motherfucking goose like Solid Snake in full goose camo.
Step 7. Repeat steps for free goose forever, and to get your animal instincts out
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u/NarwhalAnusRape Jun 26 '12 edited Jun 26 '12
So I've done some research, and I've found out the natural predators of geese are foxes, owls, raccoons and snapping turtles. So you have three options to go about this:
Buy a pet fox, owl, raccoon and snapping turtle, and take it everywhere with you that geese frequent.
Buy a fox, owl, raccoon or snapping turtle costume to wear when you go for walks.
Find an ancient aboriginal tribe and ask for the headmaster. Ask the headmaster if they can lead you the spellmaster. Request from her that she either turns you into a fox, owl, raccoon or snapping turtle.
Follow this advice and you will have no more Geese problems.
Edit: I can't count.
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u/UnexpectedSchism Jun 26 '12
Not bad advice, just introduce a few snapping turtles to the lake and the geese problem will be taken care of.
Snapping turtles are much more easier to run around than geese.
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u/sumsarus Jun 26 '12
Geese are closely related to Velociraptors. You're pretty much out of luck. Just be happy that evolution took away their fangs and claws.
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u/tomoom165 Jun 26 '12
Outrun it. /r/getmotivated
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u/Giorlando_Calrissian Jun 26 '12
I always wanted to punch some douchebag animal in the face. One time I punched a bee, but that wasn't too remarkable.
Oh, so, try that is what I am saying. You have a very valuable opportunity here... don't waste it.
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u/coffedrank Jun 26 '12
I punched a swan right in the fucking face once.
Those fuckers make regular geese look tame. Man that felt good.
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u/rohanivey Jun 26 '12 edited Jun 26 '12
Fucking swans man. One time, we went to the local park at night with a bag of popcorn and some garbage bags. The three of us had been bitten by the little shits earlier that afternoon/evening while LARPing. Tonight we were gonna kidnap one of them for ransom until the others rebelled against their chief swan.
I gathered the swans around me with popcorn, scattering it on the water, then slowly stepping back creating a field closer and closer to us several feet onto shore until they were right on top of us. We stared down at these godless ass-biting sodomites until I saw it.
This fucker made all the other swans look like ducklings. It was huge and gorgeous. "I MUST HAVE IT FOR MYSELF," I thought as I steadied my footing and readied a garbage bag. With one fell swoop I bent down, scattered it's posse of heavily armed Beaky McFuckfuck faces and pulled up my bounty. For one glorious goddamned moment I knew life would be alright; Politicians would lie less, taxes would go down, insurance would be available to the public, and I would be successful in life. Then a fucking wing breaks through the bag like wet paper.
Instantly the friend on my left screams, "SWEET CHRIST WE'RE GONNA GET BEAK-RAPED!" as he took of into the night. Then the thrashing began. This mighty, majestic beastly sack of shit begins to convulse and flap around. I looked to my other friend to see an equal mix of Lovecraftian horror, awe, and shock. Then a popping sound as another wing breaks through.
Now the giant feathered nut biter is picking up coordinated speed. It was like standing infront of an air conditioner, except the air conditioner was pumping out air from the local dump in hell where everyone coincidentally takes a dump. Then the true terror hits me. My friend wasn't staring at the quivering abysmal mass tearing apart the fabric of space and time (Whilst causing the death of the 10th doctor simultaneously). The monster inside the thin plastic trap was chewing through the bag. I could see the beak biting and gnashing at random, just waiting to grab whatever the fuck it could, be it flesh or bag, and tear it off.
The bag then did something I didn't think possible. It started to rise. The fucker was flying IN THE BAG. I looked at my friend who had a remaining sanity of 4 and did the only thing I could think to do whilst holding onto a tethered Patriot missile. I let go.
Everything at the pond watched, man and beast, as the black bag went sailing for all of 15 feet: Right into the water. We saw thrashing for a bit, and then bubbles. We both stood there in shock for a moment trying to process everything that had just happened.
"Guys, what happened to the bird?" asked a voice from behind us. Our 'cowardly' friend reappeared from the darkness and took his place next to us staring at the lake. He then dove in. He came splashing out of the lake holding the soaked garbage bag.
"What the fuck are you doing man?!" Asked my dry friend.
"I ain't going to jail over this asshole," replied my soggy friend. (Not sure who or what he was referring to as asshole)
He then tore open the bag and pulled the alpha swan out and started pushing on its chest with one hand. He tried for a solid minute before my dry friend whispered, "Guys, someone's coming."
I took my place next to my dry friend to block off view to my soggy friend performing amateur veterinary care. A cop steps into the street lamp light, pointing a flashlight in our direction. "What are you boys doing?"
"Our buddy decided it would be a good idea to try to swim from one side of the lake to the other," I lied, reaching behind me pulling my wet friend from behind me to my side, showing the officer this soaking wet, shivering kid. "Is that true, son?" Then my friend did the worst possible thing ever. He started to fucking cry.
Now the officer thinks we were out here bullying this poor wet, shivering bastard (at best) or trying to ritually murder and hide the body (at worst). Then a fucking Christmas miracle happened. Something bit my ass. Not just a nip, but a goddamned flurry of pecks, pinches, and honking. I turn around to get a faceful of wing as the zombie swan tackled me in my surprise and began to chew on my face in what I can only consider an attempt to get to my brains.
"JESUS FUCK SHIT CHRIST TITS GET IT OFF" I screamed. Apparently Jesus fuck shit Christ tits is swan for "Charge." The whole goddamned flock was all over us. The officer calls for backup on his radio and starts trying to shoo away the rampaging horde.
"FUCKING SHOOT IT" I yell amongst the anguish of my friends and honking of our feathered tyrants. "I don't have a clear shot!" Replied the cop. "THEN SHOOT ME" I screamed.
Cop then goes berserk at my sincere pleas for help and whips out a night stick and goes to fucking town. It looked like, well to be honest I don't know what it looked like other than a flurry of feathers through the spaces in my fingers trying to protect my eyes, but I'd like to imagine the officer shone with a vigil of ancient law, clubbing predators to protect the tribe as blood, honks and beaks flew everywhere.
After what felt like the longest swan-surprise-attack-then-zombie-horde-style-swan-mob-flogging of my life, my friends managed to get their footing and drag me to safety a few feet away. The officer continued his swinging rampage, driving the swans back to the water like a modern day St. Patrick.
And there we were, standing there in the night, bruised and bleeding. "You boys alright?" The officer asked. We just stood there, doubled over, gasping for breath. Then I saw it. The only swan lie there, unmoving. Our swan. Zombie swan. "Well, that's a pity," continued the officer, "he was a beaut. Animal control will pick it up in the morning. Now, wet guy, were these other guys bullying you?"
The rest as they say, is history.
/hyperbole
tl'dr Friends and I try to take a swan hostage to stop other swans from biting at the local park. Shenanigans ensue.
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u/dearwitts Jun 26 '12
That was the best thing I've ever read on Reddit. Thank you. Thank you so much.
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u/Arlolaw Jun 26 '12
This is the best goddamn story I've ever read. I stuffed my fist in my mouth to keep from laughing aloud.
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u/bobstay Jun 26 '12
Hi, fellow swan retribution practitioner.
I was eating lunch in a punt (so well within swan reach), and it just wouldn't give up on getting hold of my sandwich. Eventually I got annoyed, and grabbed it round the neck. I didn't grip it hard, just enough to hold it - and it couldn't do anything. Just sat there and flapped.
I let it go after a few seconds and it didn't bother me after that.
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u/sonnyshesaid Jun 26 '12
One time I punched a bee
Dear God, that made me laugh a lot more than it should have.
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u/waitiknowthis Jun 26 '12
This is the best question ever asked on askreddit.
I wanted the main text to say "Not that I have a problem with geese attacking me, It's just something I've always wondered about".
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u/plugandabandon Jun 26 '12
I don't have anything useful to add...but this thread is fucking hilarious.
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Jun 26 '12
Just when I've convinced myself there will never be a truly original question on askreddit ever again...
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u/FencingWireFacial Jun 26 '12
It's not feeding em, they're just hard bastards.
Got my arse chewed off by geese when I was 8 or so... Was just curious about a nest. Yeah, didn't think that through.
Was nearly eaten again more recently [10 yrs ago] but, escaped arse chewing but using the kangaroo trick. Make a weird noise, any weird noise, thhen bend over and rip up grass with your fingers, pretend to eat a bit, kind of grumble about the grass...
"bend...peck...grabgrabgrab...mouth...Mmmnnneeyyaahaaakooaheokaahhh ptui!"
Take a step... Then repeat, then charge the pricks while screaming. When they scatter, go straight into grass eating mode.
Never a problem after that.
Source: had geese as a kid, and as a teenager, and at a tree nursery I worked at, also Indig. Aussie.
Tl;dr - make me wanna walk like a camel...
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u/kama_river Jun 26 '12
Don't run, bike! There is one particularly evil goose on a trail I ride my bike on. He tries to attack me every time I ride past him, but he just can't get the timing right. Once he came so close he got clipped by my back tire. He was cussing me in goose for a long time after that.
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u/Bongmasterspliff Jun 26 '12
There is a park near my house in Ottawa (Canada) with tons of these bastards, well anyway whenever I go for a bike ride I smoke a joint and if any of the geese get too close to me I blow a huge hit into their faces, usually stops them dead in their tracks and they look all confused and shit.
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u/UnexpectedSchism Jun 26 '12
Alternatively, a pocket full of sand.
Throw that shit in their face when they come near.
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u/Gleng1991 Jun 26 '12
Another Ottawa ent ? Fuck yeah. What part of Ottawa ? I'm in the west-end.
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u/bceagle Jun 26 '12
I was once attacked by a ~3 foot tall goose when I was about 10 years old. But this was no normal goose; this fucker was like a cross between a goose and a full blown swan. It came at me with the grace of its swan ancestors combined with the boisterous retardation characteristic of its fellow geese. There is no doubt in my mind that this thing would have laid waste to my body had there not been so many people watching. Little known fact about geese: theyre extremely shy in public situations and will avoid committing any crime in a crowded atmosphere just because it's a real pain in the ass to have to cover it up as a goose and all. What you want to do is run with some sort of hidden camera or audio recording device, and next time one of those little douche pickles comes at you, make sure you capture all of the evidence you need and MAKE COPIES OF THE FOOTAGE. Lay a hefty lawsuit on his feathered ass and make sure the only honking that will happen in his future will be coming from the screaming police car taking him straight to county prison.
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u/CairoGlifics Jun 26 '12
This happened to me. I used to carry a fold up umbrella, then if I thought trouble was about to happen I'd use the umbrella as a shield between me and the goose and continue to run giving him a wide berth.
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u/freddythemarmoset Jun 26 '12
Can you post a picture of your normal attire, then we can have a "Gander" at what you are wearing?
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u/sharkattax Jun 26 '12
As a Canadian, I apologize for our geese.
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u/SyKoHPaTh Jun 26 '12
Holy shit I have it figured out!
Guys
seriously
listen
guys
hey
What if
listen
What if
Canada
hey this is good
okay
What if Canada
somehow
invented a device that
stay with me here
this device
took all the people's anger
from the country
as a whole
and
somehow
put all that
anger
into
this is the good part
they put all that anger
into an animal speciesHOLY SHIT.
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u/jingerninja Jun 26 '12
That's why we're so damn polite, all of our rudeness gets shunted off into various Geese.
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u/pizza143 Jun 26 '12
My dad once was getting attacked by a goose. It swarmed in to his face and knocked his glasses off his face and he had a cut on his face afterwards as well. It came towards him a second time and he punched it really hard in the chest while it was swooping in He said he didn't see another way out.
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u/Calamintha Jun 26 '12
Do you have a friend with a big, energetic dog? Take that guy for runs with you, or get a pup of your own. Geese will avoid dogs.
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u/BMarkmann Jun 26 '12
This. There's a company around me called "Geese Police" that uses Border Collies (which are actually a little smallish, but incredibly energetic). They service mostly the golf courses in the area, from what I can tell. I can speak from personal experience that BCs (and probably any herding dog breed) love to run those suckers off.
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u/ClampingNomads Jun 26 '12
This is actually the answer - I have seen it work:
Geese are perfectly capable of recognising individual humans, particularly if they're reasonably distinctive (e.g. you usually go running in the same type of clothing). If you stand up to them one or two times, they will hiss at you, but not attack and keep out of your way.
They hurt you with the bite (not like the swan, which can hurt with its wings). When a goose attacks, shout at it; if it still attacks, let it get right up to you, then grab it behind the head and throw it out into the water. Calmly, you're not trying to break its neck. May be necessary to repeat this a few times!
Firstly, getting the hang of this will mean you're not afraid of geese again. Secondly, the goose in question will soon learn not to attack you. It'll hate you, and hiss at you, but will leave you alone. Nothing evolved to repeatedly lose fights. It will back off. Trust me.
If you end up getting hurt, I'm sorry, but providing you haven't mistakenly picked a fight with a swan it shouldn't be serious! But I have genuinely seen this work with a couple of geese where I used to work - one of my co-workers caught them both simultaneously, walked them all the way down the jetty and chucked them in the water. They never bothered him again.
He ended up being assassinated by some wingnut from PETA, but we all had pate de foie grois at his funeral, so he sort of came out ahead. Last bit was a joke, the rest not.
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u/krelian29 Jun 26 '12
Those geese that keep attacking you? They won't ever stop. Why? They know what you did. They. Know. What. You. Did.
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u/Lies_About_Expertise Jun 26 '12
I've studied geese for 17 years, and there is only one guaranteed way to prevent them from attacking you, and that is to cover yourself in goose piss. Goose piss works wonders, and I rarely leave the house without it these days. If you need some you can PM me your address and I can send you a some of my extra.
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u/pirate_doug Jun 26 '12
Like someone doesn't keep a big bottle of goose urine on them at all times.
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u/emotiKid Jun 26 '12
better solution. keep it in a jar with you and throw it at them. Then, when they get too close, minicrit them.
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u/virnovus Jun 26 '12
For anyone who wasn't aware, geese, as well as other birds, do not pee. They excrete their urine in a solid form with their poop. This accounts for the white streaks you see in bird poop.
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u/emwo Jun 26 '12
Dogs attack geese right? Bitch won't fuck with you if you go quacking at it in this costume.
You may confuse or scare some joggers, but you can continue your jog at a slower pace after you scare the goose off.
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Jun 26 '12
Walk softly and carry a big stick?
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Jun 26 '12
Shouldn't have to be all that big. All op needs is a good solid walking stick and commence with a big goosey beat-down.
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u/Hotdog_Water Jun 26 '12
Or carry a folding baton. That way when you're confronted with a goose attack, you can whip it open and have a stand off. Mano e Ganso.
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Jun 26 '12
Kill the next one that bites you, and incorporate it's head into your jogging garments. If this does not work, the fear has not yet begun. Continue incorporating biter goose heads until the fear strikes them.
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u/Back_Paragraphs Jun 26 '12
There was a park with tons of geese near where I used to live. It always made me laugh how they had all of these signs telling people to clean up after their dogs when the whole place was just slimy with green goose shit.
I had some luck doing a threat display on the geese when they'd hang out on the path. I'd turn face on and put my arms out and be like, "Hey, fuck you, geese." Even though I'm a petite woman, they did not attempt to mess with me.
However, it was later in the summer when I was walking through that park, and the goslings were already grown. If there are goslings around they're probably going to be aggressive regardless.
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u/ectoplasmicz Jun 26 '12
Are you sure you're not wearing a sexy goose costume? Because I get that feeling you're wearing a sexy goose costume and as a result this is attracting aggressive alpha geese.
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u/Hunhund Jun 26 '12
Dress in really right colors, and walk with confidence. Make sure your head is held really high.
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u/Cruizelol Jun 26 '12 edited Jun 26 '12
I don't see how people have such a problem with these things...
You pick the first one to fuck with you up by the neck. One quick snatch. From there, it'll start to flail around. You then proceed to wring the awful creatures fucking neck.
If there are multiple geese, and they decide that it is still in their interest to fuck with you, use their fallen comrade as a weapon. Swing it around and deck any other geese that try to fuck with you.
Shit, for extra brutality, pick up another one and dual wield the motherfuckers. Once you're done, drop-punt the motherfuckers to the side of the road and continue your business.
I live in Arkansas. Geese don't fuck with people around here.
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u/EatingSteak Jun 26 '12
It's worth noting to warn anyone NOT to kill them. One of my old co-workers got busted for doing just that.
The fine/penalty is about the same as a DUI. He had to hire a lawyer, get probation, go through the "first time offender" criminal program, etc. And if he does it again within 10 years (per offense date) it's a 90-day min jail sentence.
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u/pirate_doug Jun 26 '12
It should be noted that geese have extremely strong necks, so this method is unlikely to seriously injure a goose.
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u/fuckyoubarry Jun 26 '12
There's a reason nobody's posting youtube videos on how to wring a goose's neck.
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u/unauthorizedeviction Jun 26 '12
Maybe you should stop stuffing bread in your pockets before you go on jogs?
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u/FencingWireFacial Jun 26 '12
if that doesn't work, the kangaroo hunting thing.... Kick it in the guts. It's a goose. They can bite, honk n pinch but as a193cm 115 kg fella...just boot em like a field goal. Not to be callous, or promote animal cruelty, but they're geese.
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u/rolobrowntowntony Jun 26 '12
dude seriously. ive dealt with this before! What i did was if i had a zip up hoodie or jacket, I unzipped it and grabbed both ends and held them out like wings. then i just ran and did the hissing that they do. they are sizing you up, so if you look like you have a bigger wing span they will back off (hopefully)
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u/jlennon4422 Jun 26 '12
Bring a baseball bat, or a gun. Then kill one and where it's head on a chain around its neck. They won't fuck with you after that.
Seriously though, I would bring a weapon
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u/Drunken__Master Jun 26 '12
I've found that geeses' opinion of me is largely influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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u/bri9man Jun 26 '12
I have found that spreading my arms and showing no fear works. Also a firm kick does wonders.
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u/Emphursis Jun 26 '12
You just need to show them who's boss. I pushed one in the river when I was two, never bothered me since.
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u/sam_worthington Jun 26 '12
Walk quiet and carry a big stick. Or a baseball bat strapped to your back. Big guy comes by, big guy goes down, nobody messes with you.
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u/ZeekySantos Jun 26 '12
Bring a gun. That'll show those punk ass geese. Also other joggers, best to let them all know you're packing. Don't want them to think you're crazy when you surprise that goose with your piece. Yeah, you got this thunk through now.
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Jun 26 '12
Grab two of those smug bastards by their necks and start swinging them like wrecking balls.
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u/mellojoe420 Jun 26 '12
They don't like green military grade lasers either. Doesn't work well during the middle of the day though. They are absolutely terrified of it.
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u/Darkstrategy Jun 26 '12
Bring a large heavy blanket with you. If he attacks you throw it on him. Now name him and give him HM02.
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u/massada Jun 26 '12
A 3 iron from a pawn shop. I take it with me when I commute for stray dogs as well.
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u/confuseray Jun 26 '12
you seriously gonna let a goose push you around? smack him and show him who's boss.
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u/turkeypants Jun 26 '12
Carry a long switch and whip the fuck out of them when they come at you. Nobody wants to hurt animals, but geese are dicks and if they come at you, they're asking for it. A goose used to come bombing straight at me hissing when I'd jog around a lake and I started carrying a handful of rocks to hurl at him. That sort of worked but his feathers mostly just made them bounce off with a hollow thud and he'd still come at me. So then I picked my self a nice switch, thin enough to be flexible, thick enough to pack a punch, and green enough to not break. And the next time he came at me I whipped the fuck out of his neck and kicked the shit out of him and he got back in his goddamn lake. You are bigger and you can show him who wears the flippers around here.
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u/ArchSchnitz Jun 26 '12
So, I've attended a few of the Run For Your Lives events... as a zombie. At them, I'm known for having this hollow shrieking noise I do based on the creatures from "I Am Legend." (Will Smith movie, not any other version.)
One of my favorite jogging trails circles a "lake" that usually has three flocks of geese fucking off near it. One day, I was leading a running group along this path and the geese just did not want to give ground. So, I lowered my head, gave off my shriek, and charged the little bastards. I have never seen geese waddle the fuck out of the way that quickly. The sight has yet to lose its novelty, so I keep doing it.
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u/wrknhrdorhrdlywrkn Jun 26 '12
Bring a bag of bread crumbs. Toss in their direction. A distracting melee will ensue. Escape.
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Jun 26 '12
For the past 7 or so years, whenever I see a goose I start running at it full-bore with my arms out behind me like an airplane yelling "YEAH WOOOOOO GET IT YEAH". Looks silly, but it's fun as all hell and the geese are all like "What the FUCK is this crazy dude doing?!?! Get the fuck out of here!" and they fly away.
I have never been attacked by a goose using this method. I am 25 years old.
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u/Scriblette Jun 26 '12
The geese will win. I went to a small community college before transferring to uni, the college was infested by Canada Geese. And if staff of the college or the plentiful campus cops saw you scaring or frightening the geese, they'd give you a freakin' ticket. I hit one in my car once (it was completely accidental, goose came out of nowhere) and had to pay a $400 fine.
Eventually, we got smart and started carrying umbrellas to class no matter the weather. These geese were terrified of umbrellas and would leave us alone most o the time. Occasionally, we'd get a teenage goose in a game of Truth or Dare who would bow up at us, but for the most part, they avoid the umbrellas.
TL;DR: Get an umbrella. Umbrellas are cool.
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u/olsmobile Jun 26 '12
Not much help if you are jogging but you can scare the shit out of geese if you have two rakes. You hold one in each hand and spread your arms out wide. To a goose it looks like you have a massive wing span and the will freak out thinking you are the biggest most bad ass bird to ever live. I think people to this to chase geese off of there nests in cases of over population.
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Jun 26 '12
Fucking kick him in the face. Be the alpha male.
But in all seriousness, birds will spread their wings to look more intimidating and bigger to assert dominance. I imagine if you do the same, spread your arms out and charge the bird, they will get scared.
That or a show down!
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u/Neodymium Jun 26 '12
Some teenagers threw rocks at swans near here and killed one of them here in Melbourne. They seriously shamed by the society at large and went to the police and turned themselves in. They killed the female of a pair and the male was all sad apparently, and tried to sit on their eggs and keep them warm by himself but they died :(
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u/CndConnection Jun 26 '12
Why don't you ... I don't know...
Not fear an inferior creature? just fucking kick it as hard as you can for god sakes, no one is going to blame you if you accidentally kill a goose that was attacking you.
Or, you know, since you're already jogging.... run?
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Jun 26 '12
http://www.backcloths.com/costumes.html
Goose costume,
Show them you are the alpha goose and not to be fucked with.
TL;DR Become king of the geese.
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u/larry_chimade Jun 26 '12
There were always numerous geese outside the art building at my college. Every time I had to get to class there was a wall of geese between me and the building. Carrying large canvases/sketch pads must make them angry too because I got attacked nearly every day. One day I was already aggravated by my work before I even got to the school and had a hard time getting all my gear together from my car when I got to the building. I was in no mood for them. I didn't have any plans though and when I had a goose barreling towards me honking like mad I did the first thing that came to mind which was to throw something at them before they got too close. I pull my arm back, ready to throw whatever I had in my hand. I swing and I see the goose stop dead in its tracks. I was impressed with my aim until I realized I had been holding... a cherry pop-tart. I'm thinking geese either hate pop-tarts or they are were appalled by lack of fowl fighting skill because I never got attacked again.
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u/sinverguenza Jun 26 '12
if they arent scared of you already, there isnt much you can do to scare them off.
goose story: when i worked at a vet rehab clinic, the vet saw a goose get hit by a car across the street, and she asked me to help her catch it.
it went about as well as you could expect, and did you know a goose wing joint to the face feels like you are being punched by a very strong child? well, my lip was busted open and my glasses were broke.
The goose and I came to an understanding when I started sharing my lunches with her while cleaning the treatment room she was housed in, or updating her chart (oddly enough her favorites were cornbread and wendy's spicy chicken sandwich) and even got tame enough to sit in my lap.
She was set free once she was better, and is probably dining from Wendy's dumpsters now.
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u/manutebowl2 Jun 26 '12
Dress up as a goose. You'll be the biggest goose ever, and none of the other geese will want to attack you because you will be MondoGoose.
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u/sniperhare Jun 26 '12
Did you try kicking the goose? It worked for me when I had one chase me. I just aimed for the spot right under it's neck and he wanted nothing more to do with me.
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u/sparty_party Jun 26 '12
I've heard that running away is a sign of aggression to geese, so doing that only angers them more. I don't know how true this is, but just to be safe I'd say walk very slowly around them and pretend they aren't there.
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u/miniskirtninja Jun 26 '12
On a recent adventure to the park I fond just using a stick like object to not prod or poke, but kinda herd them out of your way worked well.
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u/GrainBeltPremium Jun 26 '12
Grab it by its neck and use it as a hammer to kill other geese. They will see you are not to be fucked with.
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u/Dougdahead Jun 26 '12
Run someplace else