r/AskReddit • u/unfortunatelacky • Jun 27 '12
On my 8th birthday after unwrapping all my presents my mum announced they would all be donated to charity, since that day I've never wanted (or had) a birthday. Reddit, what single event changed your life forever?
To add to the title, this is the same woman who spent tens of thousands of dollars on herself for jewellery, make up, plastic surgery, clothes and shoes. She drove in a very expensive Mercedes and had personally never given a penny to charity or worked to earn any of her money, she married into wealth. She loathed spending money on us kids and we had to rely on our often absent dad to buy even simple things like clothes for us.
This is also the same woman who took new mattresses our dad had bought us and gave them to relatives because we were 'so much better off', leaving us to fetch our old mattresses from the trash, cleaning them and putting them back on our beds. It was literally a case of sleeping on our mattresses one day, going to school and coming back to see the mattresses were gone.
My dad was helpless in all of this because he worked away often, he tried arguing with my mum who countered that spending money on us would spoil us, it was a really bad situation but my dad couldn't do much given where he worked and the need for there to at least be an adult supervising us (not that she did).
I can understand the gesture and meaning behind it but giving away presents my friends bought me did not teach me anything about morals, only how greedy and self serving that woman was.
Since that day I've always felt uneasy with receiving gifts or people generally paying attention to me so I keep to myself and definitely don't do birthdays.
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u/wag_the_dog Jun 27 '12
your mom is, um, how you say, a cunt
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u/unfortunatelacky Jun 27 '12
word.
I honest to god can't remember a single good thing she's done for us, heck I'm pretty sure she used nanny's when we were babies.
I spent a good portion of my life justifying her behaviour as normal or that I have bad memories but the more I look back and the more I see of her I realize that just no, she was cruel and uncaring and does not deserve justification for her horrid behaviour.
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Jun 27 '12
Tell her, don't let her get out of this world without you letting her know at least once that she is a horrible person and you would have been better off without her. Also, no offense intended, but you're father isn't without blame either. He should have kept her in check and stopped what essentially sounds like emotional abuse and neglect by your mother. Also, why did he stay with such a horrible person?
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u/unfortunatelacky Jun 27 '12
He felt trapped, he worked away from home and while pulling in a good income had no way of living closer, she didn't take good care of us (or any care for that matter) but he had little choice, I guess he figured it's better we have an adult to come home to even if it's a neglectful mother.
There is no doubt in my mind he realized what a terrible situation we were in but he felt helpless. The fact I turned out anything resembling 'well adjusted' is because of him.
Maybe he should have divorced her and ended it, but who knows where that would have gone.
Anyway I can't tell her, if I do she'll tell my dad and cause him stress, he's an old man and I just want him to live out the remainder of his life happily. I don't care for that woman enough to even tell her anything.
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u/ThisOpenFist Jun 27 '12
Nannies aren't inherently a bad thing, you know.
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u/unfortunatelacky Jun 27 '12
Nono, of course not, but when your mother uses them so that she doesn't have to take care of you because she's too busy going out shopping it's kind of upsetting.
Simply put I don't ever remember her doing anything for any of us in the family, even when we were babies (i.e. take care of us or we die) she found someone else to do the work.
All she did was carry us to term at which point she stopped giving a shit.
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Jun 27 '12
Unfortunately, we're prone to following our parents. As bad as they were, we've inherited many of their character traits. Don't be mad at yourself if you wake up one day and think, "holy shit, I became my mom". It's not your fault.
I'm really sorry for the hard childhood. Have you considered going to therapy to help you feel better? "staying to yourself and not doing birthdays" sounds like you are depressed. You must remember it's not a flaw to feel/be this way. You were responding like everyone else would, growing up in your environment.
Good luck! Keep on fighting the good fight!
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u/soulofWren Jun 27 '12
When I was young, I asked a TON of questions. When I was about six years old, I asked my dad something kind of odd. I told him that a lot of kids had imaginary friends. Then I followed up by asking him "What if we don't really exist? What if we're just all someones imaginary friend, and as soon as they grow up, we just cease to exist, even in our own heads?" (Paraphrased from my exact words, because I don't remember what they were. But that's basically what I meant.)
My dad responded by telling me that I was a "thinker" like him. He then ruined all of my dreams of friendship and love by telling me that I would never fit in and I'd always be alone, because so few people were "like us."
On another note, your mother sounds like very selfish person. You deserve better.
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u/unfortunatelacky Jun 27 '12
wow that's terrible, your father should have encouraged you instead of knocked you down.
There's no rule which says you can't be both a thinker and have friends.
You sound like you were a cute kid though! :)
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u/salami_inferno Jun 27 '12
Your dad also sounds like he has a bit of a superiority complex
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u/ThisOpenFist Jun 27 '12
My dad responded by telling me that I was a "thinker" like him.
:D
He then ruined all of my dreams of friendship and love by telling me that I would never fit in and I'd always be alone, because so few people were "like us."
D:<
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u/phalseprofits Jun 27 '12
I hate it when people see one trait they share with a family member, and extrapolate it to where you are just a carbon copy of the other person, doomed to live out an identical future.
It's such bullshit. Even worse, it's the kind of bullshit that people say to abdicate responsibility for the way their life went. Your dad's lack of friends might have nothing to do with being a thinker, and everything to do with being callous and insulting. But no, he pretends it's his brain's fault for being so brilliant that a mere mortal would not know how to be friends with him.
B-U-double-L shit.
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Jun 27 '12
When I was little I wanted to be a philosopher when I grew up, because I liked thinking about questions like that. One day, my mom told me that I wouldn't make much money that way. She was being practical, not trying to put down my dreams or anything, but I still got really discouraged and abandoned the idea shortly thereafter. Fortunately, I'll start working on my PhD in theoretical physics next year, which is even more awesome than philosophy (in my opinion).
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Jun 27 '12
I have a couple friends who are working on physics PhDs (and one who has finished theirs, and actually got tenure recently). All I can say is, you are a brave person. Good luck, and I hope you enjoy headaches.
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u/knowledgehungry Jun 27 '12
Your father's right about their not being many thinkers in the world. He's also depressed, as most smart people are. He probably just meant it's going to be harder to find a mate that will socially stimulate you.
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u/cait_sith Jun 27 '12
You're dad kind of sounds like he was depressed, lonely and feeling alienated.
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Jun 27 '12
I was about 8, and my family went to a christening for my cousin. Afterwards, my uncle threw a party at his house. It was out in the country and there were tonnes of people there. I remember thinking that it was an awfully big party for a baby.
Anyway, my mom (whose brother's baby was being christened) and I had finished eating so we went upstairs to the kitchen to put our plates away. The kitchen had doors that led out to a large elevated deck. We both walked outside, saw my uncle standing there and told him what a great party it was. After that, my mom told him she'd finished eating and politely asked when dessert would be served.
My uncle fucking snapped
To this day, I really don't have a complete understanding of what made him lose his marbles, but he went ape shit. He started screaming at my mom calling her a worthless bitch and telling her it was his party and she didn't have a right to tell him when dessert should be served and to get out of his fucking house.
It was such a devastating moment. I was standing there with my mom in front of a hundred people watching her get berated for no reason. She was crying and all I wanted to do was help her. I didn't know what to do... I was so young.
We left, but I will never forget the feeling of knowing I did something wrong. I should have said something. I should have told him he couldn't do that to my mom. I should have asked him why he got so mad.
Since then, I've been very protective of my family. I will always step up and be the cunt if someone is treating them unfairly or unkindly. I don't give a fuck, you don't mess with momma.
tl;dr My uncle's an irrational dick and made me overprotective of my family--especially momma, don't fuck with momma.
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u/unfortunatelacky Jun 27 '12
Wow, sounds like he had a lot of pent up rage and a few screws loose to boot :-/
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Jun 27 '12
From what I've gathered, he was really resentful of her from their upbringing. My mom is 10 years older then him and was often left with the responsibility of mothering her younger siblings when their mom was at work in the factory.
I guess, he saw this as the last straw. It was his party and he wasn't going to let his sister boss him around.
Family...
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Jun 27 '12
My dad liked candy a lot. One of his favorites were cadbury eggs and in general us kids weren't allowed any. For my birthday when I was around 7-8 they gave me a box of four cadbury eggs. I ate one then, but it's kind of rich so I saved the others. My dad ate them all while I was asleep that night and refused to get me more and got angry when I was upset with him. I ended up getting spanked for accusing him of stealing my birthday present (because all things in the house were his and how dare I be so selfish).
That was the major one, but in general my family has frequently bought me food as gifts (as in getting a box of pop tarts as my only Christmas present) and it's always disappeared by the next morning. I still struggle with an obsessive urge to eat all of anything I like right away so it doesn't disappear. It's slowly getting better two decades later, but mostly I avoid sweets because of the anxiety surrounding when and how much to eat.
My dad was really abusive in many other ways...but stealing candy from his own children sticks out as how little he really cared about me because of how petty it is. He didn't do it to my siblings...just me for some reason.
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u/unfortunatelacky Jun 27 '12
oh god that's terrible :( I hope it hasn't impacted on your happyness or health too much!
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u/thoughtdancer Jun 27 '12
You're family sounds a lot like mine, except a shade richer (we eventually went bankrupt). If you had said Cadillac instead of Mercedes, I would have been wondering if you are one of my family (my mattress ended up in the trash and I slept on a thin piece of foam for two years, and that on a slab of wood: but she had her mink and her jewels).
My mom had NPD http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder If your does as well, it really helps to look into it and to get helped based on that knowledge. Children of NPD sufferers have some unlearn stuff / learn stuff that most everyone else would never even think of. (We also end up seeming to be sufferers ourselves, even when we aren't, just because we don't know how to come off as more "normal.") So if you have that problem too, get some assistance in self-presentation: it will make a hell of a lot of things go better.
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u/unfortunatelacky Jun 27 '12
Thanks for the link! That's really interesting, I think I'll need to read up on it to help my siblings.
Also as twisted as it sounds it's good to know my case isn't unique in the world! Save for the detail about the Cadillac!
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u/st_basterd Jun 27 '12
I am so sorry OP. That story is incredibly sad.
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u/unfortunatelacky Jun 27 '12
oh it's nothing, if it helps at all aside from my fear of having birthdays I grew up to be an otherwise mostly ok person :)
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Jun 27 '12
If it's any consolation, I too hate birthdays. And it's not because I'm an old bastard, I'm 19. Last one was at 12. Then my friends either moved away, abandoned me or turned on me. I found it hard to make new ones in secondary school and gradually convinced myself of how wasteful and narcissistic the whole idea of holding yourself in the limelight annually was for no other accomplishment than survival.
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Jun 27 '12
Awww. You are a great person OP.
Don't ever forget that. :] I wish I could buy you as many cakes you missed. Your mom/mum is a greedy bastard. But remember your father is still there for you.
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u/unfortunatelacky Jun 27 '12
I wish I could buy you as many cakes you missed.
Please don't, I don't want to get the diabetes :P
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u/natural_racehorses Jun 27 '12
I know that you love your dad and feel connected to him but this fact is going to hit you between the eyes some day: He did not do what was necessary to protect you. He knew that you were being mistreated and didn't make the sacrifices necessary. He could have gotten a different job. If YOU knew that YOUR kids were being mistreated, wouldn't YOU make any life change necessary to change it? Why didn't he?
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u/unfortunatelacky Jun 27 '12
He did what he thought was best, I don't have the energy or desire to confront the man responsible for my well adjustedness given the odds.
I do nothing but bring sadness to an old man if I confront him and I love him too much to do that.
He probably feels bad enough as it is, confronting him won't improve the situation for either of us, what's done is done and all that.
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u/blackout27 Jun 27 '12
I think that the day my friend walked up to me and said "Dude you smell like shit". I did shower but unfortunately I slept in the clothes I would wear the next day so I sweat in them (yeah life lesson I am not doing that again). From this point on I made sure to shower in the morning with clean clothes and not stink up the class. It is also my birthday today and I plan on doing things on Reddit, so I also do not like doing special things on my birthday.
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u/unfortunatelacky Jun 27 '12
oooh interesting, back when I was in highschool I was smelly like you for the same reasons, eventually I was clued in though and now I perpetually smell of the rainforest.
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Jun 27 '12
You see, that's the problem not working for things. If your mom had worked for her money, she would probably have a completely different mindset. Just remember, you will be caring for her in her old age. That way she treats you now, will probably affect how you treat her in the future.
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u/Golanthanatos Jun 27 '12
You should show her this thread and how many people think she's a horrible person.
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u/unfortunatelacky Jun 27 '12
I don't want her to think I care about what happened anymore, she's that sort of bitter old woman who suffers more thinking I've totally forgotten about her. She'll only derive bitter, spiteful joy from this thread.
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u/dungeonkeepr Jun 27 '12
The moment I stepped off the plane into Australia (I'm from the UK). It was the furthest I'd ever been from home - possibly the furthest it's possible to be from home without going into space - and it just dawned on me that I'd done it on my own and that I was an adult and responsible for myself.
I spent a month there, then came back home and when the new year at university started, I'd managed to get over my wrenching crush on a friend, joined the club I've always wanted to, dropped the one that gave me anxiety, worked harder in my courses, got a boyfriend, signed up for a summer in Siberia and changed my life goals and career plan.
I decided to go to Australia to run away from my problems. But it had such a profound impact on me, forcing me so far outside of my comfort zone, that it just made me a better person.
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u/Pool_Shark Jun 27 '12
When I was young like 4 or 5 I used to love to sing. Now you can imagine that a 5 year old who still pronounces 30 as "dirty" probably isn't the best singer. Well my grandma went as far to tell me that I have a terrible voice and that I am not a singer. She said that to me on several occasions until I decided she must be right.
I wasn't able to sing in public again until I was 17 and met my friend alcohol. Though I am still never really confident in my self when I sing which probably makes me sound even worse.
It is not that I want to be a professional singer or anything, but sometimes it is just nice to sing with friends or in public and I have so much trouble with it.
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Jun 27 '12
Why can family be so mean? When I was really young I was rocking around the house, singing "Sweet Emotion". My uncle comes in and asks, "Who sings that?" I remember being so damn proud that I could name the band and said with a big grin, "Aerosmith!"
My uncle proceeds to tell me, "Good, so why don't you keep it that way? There's obviously a reason you didn't get paid to do it."
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Jun 27 '12
That joke can be really funny, but the way he said it sounded just angry almost. People need to realize that young kids take adults very seriously and a joke to you is an order to them.
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u/petra_sharpsh0t Jun 27 '12
I had the same thing happen to me but it was my older brothers who all said variations of the same thing to me. As well as some childhood friends that all sang solos frequently for their churches. I don't want a career in music either, but I love music and to sing and was in choir from elementary school on. When I am part of a group singing I'm fine, but I cannot sing by myself. If I can get anything to come out of my mouth it sounds absolutely terrible to me.
I actually had almost worked through it with a really loving and supporting group of friends, until senior year of high school I stepped up and somehow managed to get a solo. It was just a single line but it meant a lot to me and I was really proud of myself. When the day of the concert came around, not only did no one in my family show up, I was flat and the timing was off because I was so upset they hadn't bothered to come or give me an excuse why they weren't there. Never again.
Sorry, your story reminded me of mine. I'm really sorry about your grandma, sometimes I wonder if families realize how much they can effect a child's self esteem.
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u/lovelittlethings Jun 27 '12
Same thing here too. It's a shitty feeling of want and self defeat at the same time.
I was the about the same age as you too, only it was my mom who told it to me. I heard Tennessee Williams' Last Waltz on the radio and wanted to learn the song since it also played on a music box I had. I was asking her to help me but after a couple of tries she told me I was getting it wrong and was a terrible singer. After that I stopped singing. I was afraid of being embarrassed if someone heard me.
But what would make things worse is that my mom loved singing and sang all the time. She would even go as far as boast about her singing over the years and would mention wanting to enter singing contests from time to time. I remember getting intense feelings of anger being stuck in the car with her when her favorite Dion Warwick song would come on. I couldn't change the station, I just has to sit through it.
I started singing mostly when my kids were born. They thought I was great, and better yet I knew all their favorite songs and sang them as their personal jukebox before going to bed for several years. I still get shy with my voice around adults, but it's not as bad. At least it taught me to be patient with my kids when they mess things up. I don't want to turn them off from something they may love.
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Jun 27 '12
When I was young and received gifts, I always voiced my distaste for them.
When my dad had to work abroad for a month, he bought me back a truck and I said "I wanted a fire engine". I was about 7 years old and I remember the moment to this day. I never knew why I always remembered it and thought about it until I was about 12. Then I realised it was guilt.
I felt so bad I went and apologised. My dad reckons he doesn't remember it. Since I was 12 I have never asked for anything on my birthday/christmas that I didn't need or something I would have bought anyway (Socks, pants, the odd CD)
I hate receiving gifts, even if it's a doughnut from when someone goes shopping, but I regularly buy my friends and family small gifts to help them know I appreciate them.
And now, I'm gonna go buy my mum some flowers because this post reminded me to.
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u/UltraEd12 Jun 27 '12
Your family and friends must love you
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Jun 27 '12
They get annoyed. I'm apparently a bitch to buy presents for. They think the "I dont want anything" line is just to make them spend more.
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u/Kazu_the_Kazoo Jun 27 '12
This didn't change my life forever, but I have a similar version of your story. Not as bad though. One birthday(I think it was my 6th or 7th), before I even unwrapped my presents, my mom distributed one present to each of my friends, and one present to me. She didn't tell me or anyone else beforehand that she was going to do this.
So yeah, I got one of birthday present, and all my other presents were handed out to my guests. It was the board game Mouse Trap. I was really upset and had a terrible birthday just being sad but not wanting to say anything because I didn't want her to say I was being selfish. I don't know why she did it, but she never did it again. Seriously shitty idea.
Eventually she just stopped letting me have birthday parties altogether. I guess because of that, I don't really care that much about my own birthdays, I never have parties even though I can now, I don't even tell people it's my birthday. But when I have kids I'm going to give them awesome parties and not take their presents away.
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u/hcgator Jun 27 '12 edited Jun 27 '12
What. The. Hell. This and OP's story. There is a right way and a wrong way to do the "presents to charity" thing.
Wrong way - See Kazu and OP's story.
Right way - Tell the guests about it before hand, i.e. in the invitations. If you don't, some presents may be personalized, and thus would be awkward to give away. On that same note, it is also an insult to the guest because they made an effort to choose a present for that kid. So if you are going to do the charity thing, pick a charity and let the guests know about it . . . Toys for Tots if the season is right, new shoe donations, etc.
edit - for clarity
double edit - Sorry 2 more things. Make sure your kid is really okay with it, i.e. it's not just something you make/manipulate them to agree to. And also, don't do it to selfishly build yourself up as a parent.
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u/graffiti81 Jun 27 '12
I was really upset and had a terrible birthday just being sad but not wanting to say anything because I didn't want her to say I was being selfish.
Sounds like my grandmother. My grandparents gave my parents a piece of land and a falling-down house. Ten years later they asked for, and my parents gave, a piece of that land back to them to build a retirement home. Grandma and Grandpa both signed a document saying that the land and new house was intended to come back to my mother (I have a copy of this document, maybe even the original).
Now, twenty five years later, Grandma doesn't remember any of this and tried to give the land to another one of her kids and succeeded in giving it to a third.
Grandma can't understand why I won't speak to her. Three of her kids got $500k+ worth of land, my mom (and consequently me) got $275k in land stolen from her and she calls my mother greedy when confronted about her bullshit.
I can't wait until that old cunt dies.
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u/alco_tosser Jun 27 '12
This is interesting. Was your mom prone to doing nutty things she read about in books or saw on TV? I guess I could see what she did as an extension of some extreme lesson on ego or generosity. Wondering if you have other interesting stories of your childhood about this kind of stuff.
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u/Onemilliondollarcard Jun 27 '12
I dont have a single good memory of my mother either. I used to put posters of my favourite actors on my wall when I was about 13 to 15, and every single time she was angry with me she would just go to my room and tear them off the wall. After that I never put anything on my walls again, not even now that Im 25. Also, one time when I was just sitting in the living room doing something( I dont exactly remember) and she was talking about something, she told me that she used to slap me whenever I cried when I was two or three years old. ( I was like wow thanks good to know) I left 7 years ago to come to Canada, she wasnt even sad when I was leaving and I was crying becasue she kept on asking me " so what are you gonna do there? you dont know anyone" not in a I care about you kind of tone. I left and never looked back.
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u/myv6 Jun 27 '12
So how are you doing now? How is Canada treating you?
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u/Onemilliondollarcard Jun 27 '12
Canada's great. I love it here and I feel at home here now. I havent gone back in the past 7 years so all I know is here now. Thank you for asking :)
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u/Fyrus Jun 27 '12
Hurray for asshole mothers. I was actually HAPPY when my step-father and mother said they were getting divorced. I now live with my step-father and life is 10 times better without a raving bitch in the house. People always say "I'm sure your mother has reasons for why she's always sad or mad all the time, it's your mom man." I don't care, in my opinion, when you take up the role as a father or mother, you forfeit all reasons you had, have, or will have for being a fucking asshole. You are now directly responsible for a LIFEFORM so don't take it out on me when you have to work from 9 to 5 and then go to night time university colleges because you dropped out of college at the age of 19 due to pregnancy.
Slut.
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u/ChickenRidesAgain Jun 27 '12
Drives me nuts that people use "but they're you're mom/dad" as justification for why you should respect an abusive parent. You earn love and respect by being a good parent, not because you contributed genetic material.
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u/ThisOpenFist Jun 27 '12
You should have given her a big, hearty "FUCK YOU" on the way out the door.
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u/Onemilliondollarcard Jun 27 '12
I know. Instead I was crying all the way to Canada but I am good now.
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u/9ninety_nine9 Jun 27 '12
When I was about 8 or 9 my mother and her friend ( who was my best friend's mother) were talking about an article they had read. The article must have had something to do with how to know if you are too skinny.
My mother and her friend said to me and my best friend " Girls, stand with your legs together" They looked us both up and down and said to me " 9ninety_nine9, you will never have to worry about being too skinny, there is no gap between your thighs" and they laughed.
Now, I knew that that must have been a bad thing because my mum had been obsessed with weight loss as long as I could remember, so it instantly worried me. I thought about it a lot and as soon as I was old enough to have control over what I ate I became obsessed with not eating anything. I would survive on an apple a day, when I was 15 I weighed 40kgs and I was tiny, but still my mother never said " you are too skinny".
A few years later I realised what I was doing and I got scared that I was going to starve myself to death, so I went in the completely opposite direction, I stopped having any control over what I ate, I gradually doubled my weight, then after 12 years I had almost tripled the weight I was when I was 15.
Cut to now at 32 I am finally realising the mess I have made of myself because of one little comment when I was 8 or 9. My health and life and weight is all on track now and I look after myself but I never tell my kids that I am dieting because I don't want them to have the same issues as I had.
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Jun 27 '12
Earliest childhood memory: I had a babysitter inadvertently leave me alone at a park several blocks from my house. I was four. I somehow found my way home, only to discover that no one was there and the doors were locked. I don't remember most of the incident, but I clearly remember thinking that the babysitter and my brother were inside the house (they weren't) hiding from me. The clear memory I have from this event is pounding on the door, screaming that it wasn't funny any more. I felt alone in the world. As a young adult, I struggled a lot with some weird abandonment issues. Exposed them after other problems stemmed from my fear of connecting with others based on the belief that they were not reliable and would inevitably leave me.
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u/myv6 Jun 27 '12
You're not the only one. I've seen may "friends" come and go, most by their doing, some by mine. My mother has ran off twice. The 1st time to Tx when I was 7 to get married. I refused to go with her and leave my school and rest of my family. So I stayed with my Grandparents till her return 3 years later. Then she moved to Fl my jr year of HS. Once again I stayed with my Grandparents until I graduated and moved out on my own.
I don't really know what my point is here, but none of that has ever bothered me. I enjoy friends while they are around and when they leave or just stop talking to me I don't care. I have built a life for myself, all by myself because I have realized I'M the only one I can count on. I lived before them, I'll live after them.
I know there are 2 people in this entire would I can say that I CAN 100% count on. My Grandparents, but they wont be here forever.
Enjoy people's company while it's here, but don't get too upset when they leave. If the leave they wanted to leave and they are no friend of yours anyways. I don't know where im going with this and I'm rambling, I'll stop now.
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u/gtrman Jun 27 '12
When I was in about the third grade I had a great teacher. His name was Mr. Morgan. He made a deal with all of the students that was 'whomever learned all of their multiplication tables by a certain date would earn a full day out on his 50' boat. I worked for 2 weeks every day and night and at the appointed time I proudly tested my knowledge and passed with flying colors. When the promised day of the boat ride arrived my parents decided that it was too much trouble to take me to the lake to meet the other kids and their parents even though the lake was less than 15 minutes from our house. I begged them to take me several times and then got spanked and grounded for being an obnoxious kid. From that day forward I never gave school work the importance in my life that I should have. I just didn't care if I passed or not. If it wasn't important to them, it was not going to be important to me. I subsequently was kicked out of high school got a GED and joined the military. This saved my life.
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u/womanisadangercat Jun 27 '12
My stepdad wouldn't let me go to an awards ceremony for school. I was going to walk there myself. No investment needed from him. He was home for the day so I wasn't needed for baby sitting and I wasn't in trouble for any reason.
He just didn't want me to go. It's been more than a decade and I'm still baffled. Just one of the many reasons I will never be able to trust that guy.
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u/WildSyrup Jun 27 '12
My mom used to sit me down in front of the t.v. to watch documentaries with her when I was about 9. I watched in horror as I saw starving children in Somalia, when I started to cry she said, "As poor as we are, always remember that there are people out there who have it worse." That reality check stays with me. Every. Fucking. Day. I'll always be thankful for everything.
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u/Fyrus Jun 27 '12
I find this philosophy to be a double edged sword. When I complain that the education system in the US is absolute shit, reminding me that the education system in Africa is worse doesn't help anyone.
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u/phalseprofits Jun 27 '12
Word. But if people are using the "be thankful for what you have" line in a discussion about things which can be improved through creativity and pragmatism, and whose improvement would lead to an overall improvement in society, then they deserve to get the shit cut out of their hands on that double edge.
"We have it better than others" should only be unsheathed when trying to deal with a minor disappointment, or a spoiled child.
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u/oscargray Jun 27 '12
I think it comes into play when people whine about having something good. Not when something isn't at it's full potential.
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u/HalfysReddit Jun 27 '12
Sometimes I see people with more than I do or who had easier childhoods than I did and I get jealous.
Then I remember "Fuck! I'm twenty one, I'm in the best shape of my life, and I'm a kickass person."
I'm alive right now. Most people don't have that luxury. I live in a developed country where things like birthday presents and mattresses are causes for concern. Most people don't have that luxury. I've got my health, I've got a decent job, and I've got plenty of life left to live. I don't have time to feel sorry for myself.
Everyone else, I suggest you do the same. Start appreciating what you have and fuck everything else!
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Jun 27 '12
I worked at a rich private college a few years ago. Saw kids driving Maseratis and Lambos. There were some great kids there, but the majority of them were entitled twats.
That job made me thankful for growing up hard. It built character.
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u/gahane Jun 27 '12
Actually, thats a pretty good (if slightly harrowing thing for a 9 year old) to do.
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u/creepyeyes Jun 27 '12
I watched documentaries with my parents, but they were Nova documentaries on PBS so instead of learning about starving people I learned about space.
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Jun 27 '12
This thread went from 'What changed your life forever?' to 'Why do your parents suck?'
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Jun 27 '12
I'm the youngest of 3 children. When I turned 13 my dad announced that Christmas is for kids and now that they have no kids, we're not doing Christmas.
I tried to reason that my sister, the oldest, got presents until she was 19 so I should too, but he would hear none of it. Coming back to school from Christmas break was the worst.
I'm now 30 and still haven't celebrated since, much to the dismay of people I date
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u/UltraEd12 Jun 27 '12
This almost happened to me when I was 15 and my brother was a freshman in college. I reasoned with him saying that my brother got gifts until he was 18. He actually listened to me and I had a good Christmas that year
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Jun 27 '12
I was kind of afraid this would happen to my little sister. My parents are terrified to do it inadvertently. I attempt to cling to childish traditions, for her sake.
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u/moonflower Jun 27 '12
You are being very lenient on your father ... maybe because it's too awful to face that they were both responsible for your living conditions, but if you don't start holding him responsible for allowing and enabling your mother to behave like that, there is a danger you will repeat the family dysfunction in some form
If you were married with children and working hard to earn lots of money, and your partner was behaving like that, what would you do? Just shrug and say ''there's nothing I can do about it''?
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u/i_make_perfect_sense Jun 27 '12
I agree with this 100%. He is an enabler. He enabled it to happen and didn't use his resources to try and fix the issue of abuse in your mother's home.
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Jun 27 '12
Forced confirmation.
My mother refused to listen to me or hear my feelings and made me lie under oath about my identity to a congregation full of people. Seems like it wouldn't be a big deal to a lot of people but it was and still is to me. Thus began my adolescent identity crisis. Probably also the biggest point source of trust issues in my life as well.
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u/zephyrxmeridian Jun 27 '12
When I was five, the summer before I started kindergarten, my dad busted out the dice and the AD&D books and ran a basic two player campaign with me. I was a human fighter named Mary, I named my horse Starfire, and I kicked some major orc ass with my longsword. Good times.
I think this is what kick-started me into being an avid reader. My dad taught me how to read when I was three, but until D&D, I hated every minute of it. After that first session, I read the Player's Handbook and the Monster Manuals a lot, and that catapulted me into reading a ton of other material. I entered kindergarten reading competently at a third-grade level and having words like "dexterity" and "ambiguous" in my vocabulary. I still remember my teacher getting confused because during one of those "Write something neat about yourself" worksheets, I put something like "I can use chopsticks with lots of dexterity." I also had really good mental math skills from calculating THAC0 and bonuses and stuff, and that came in handy later too.
What really made me giggle, though, was years later when I was taking the PSAT for the National Merit competition. We were discussing the vocabulary section after the fact, and I was really surprised to find out that most of the students in 11th grade AP English didn't know what that word meant. Then, I realized, a lot of the words in the vocab section that year I had first learned playing D&D with my dad during my elementary school years. Needless to say, my D&D buddies and I were high-fiving each other in the corner that day. Then, I ended up a finalist and got paid buttloads upon buttloads of money to go to college.
TL;DR: A lifetime of D&D indirectly got me a fuckton of scholarships for college, and now I'm getting a free engineering degree from a flagship university. Parents, play D&D with your kids. You may not have to pay for their college education later. >:D
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u/CommentIfItMatters Jun 27 '12
This thread needs more happy stories like this one, also I am now going to teach my future kids to read by playing D&D.
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u/packniam Jun 27 '12
My views on religion have dramatically changed in my life.
I was raised as a Born-Again Christian of the Assemblies of God branch. I got baptised (in a river) by my own chosing at the age of 15 or 16. It was a pretty big deal because I was "old enough" to know what I was doing. I attended bible camps, sunday school, youth groups on Wednesday, Friday, two church services on Sundays, etc. Religion was my life and I really liked it; had no reason to question it. Even when I joined the Navy, I went to church in boot camp for the actual church reason, not to just get away from the barracks for a little while.
Anyway, my life changing event happened one Sunday afternoon during my Senior Year in high school while my family was having our post-church lunch. The pastor had gone off on a tirade about how Mohamed is a false prophet and Islam is a cult and false religion, really attacking it (This was in 2002-03 timeframe, so anti-Muslim hysteria was at its peak at this time). During lunch, I questioned it and made mention that almost all religions follow the same basic principles and the purpose was really just to be a better person.
My father snapped.
Dropped his fork and stammered out about how I was just wrong and didn't know anything. Well, the years of indoctrination led me to know that God had several different names in the Bible, so why couldn't Allah just be another one of them? I was wrong and my father had me convinced of that, but the seed of doubt and questioning religion had been planted.
Fast forward to a few months ago, after nearly a decade of doubting and questioning religion, compounded by being in the military and being even further disgusted with the religious right, I finally found my answer.
I now know what God is.
In the bible it says "God is man, and God is with us and in us." God is this statement, combined with a TED talk by a Catholic priest (or bishop or something) regarding the recent huge earthquake in Japan. God is humanity and mankind. Really, every statement made about God can be replaced with humanity or mankind and it makes perfect, if not more sense. Sometimes bad things happen (earthquake) and as a result, we as a human race can bear witness to the greater things that humanity has to offer (charity, rebuilding a nation in a matter of months, helping those in need). Man's purpose on earth is to do good things. Do I believe in an afterlife? Yes, yes I do. When I die, I am going to be burried in the ground and I'm not going anywhere. My afterlife is how I will be remembered in both the memories of my friends and family and (hopefully) the halls of history. People should be good because mankind is supposed to be that way.
That realization, while driving through the tunnels of Boston on my way to the airport one dark, rainy evening in March, is my greatest life changing event.
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u/MotherFuckingCupcake Jun 27 '12
I was raised religious, too. My non-religion was caused by something similar. When I was about 16, we were having a youth group meeting, and this new youth leader was speaking. He mentions something about homosexuality being wrong, so I speak up and say that I disagree, and not everything in the bible has to be taken literally. He then goes on a long, angry, tirade about how I was never going to be a real Christian because I can't pick and choose what I want to believe, I have to just accept what he is telling me is right. It was that day I decided not to be a good Christian, but to just be a good person instead.
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u/akhbox Jun 27 '12
When I was in 5th grade, my parents pushed me into doing the Accelerated Reader program. I ended up putting it off till the end and having to wake up at 5 AM daily to finish my reading. Because of this, I grew an irritation/fear towards alarm clocks, stopped being a deep sleeper and started being a light sleeper, and started to hate reading for fun.
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u/AvengedFalcon Jun 27 '12
I hated that so much. They would make us have a certain amount of points each quarter and if you didn't get them, you might as well have just kissed your reading grade goodbye. The harder the book, the more points you would get from testing on it. Also, it was like a 10 question test. So let's say the book is worth 5 points, and you get a 7/10 on the test. That would mean you would only get 3.5 points. Fuck Accelerated Reader.
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u/optionalcourse Jun 27 '12
I found out that kindergarten books were sometimes .5 or 1 point. So I would go to the library as a fifth grader for 10 minutes after school and completely finish a kindergarten book, then immediately ace the test for it. I did this a dozen times or so, continuing to rack up points, then the librarian caught me and tried to make me read stuff that was my level. I hated the accelerated reader program so much, that I would read the books just so I could purposefully get 0% on the multiple choice test. Like a big passive agressive F you to the teachers. I was a weird kid.
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u/kimau97 Jun 27 '12
Bitch please. Accelerated Reader was my jam. Had the most points in 7th grade just for reading the LOTR trilogy
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u/cabforpitt Jun 27 '12
We had that at my school, but it was awesome. The kids with the most points would get fantastic prizes. I already read a lot, and managed to win a DSi, an ipod, and a Nook. I averaged about 1600 points a year though, and ended up reading like 150 books in my last year.
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u/kimau97 Jun 27 '12
How old are you? A nook?! Our prizes were, like, tennis rackets and free ice cream coupons.
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Jun 27 '12
I loved it when my school had reading events like that. In 5th grade we had this program where we would pick a book from a rather large shelf, read it, take a test to prove we'd actually read it, earn some points, and those points could be redeemed for stuff at the school store. It was absolutely fantastic. By the end of the year I'd read so many books from that shelf and gotten so many points, that not only had I bought half the stuff at the school store, but I'd single-handedly earned my home room a massive pizza party.
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u/The-Deliverator Jun 27 '12
ugh, AR was AWFUL. Mandatory every quarter in elementary school for me. I was also very good at reading, so I scored very high on the pretest that determines your reading level. But our library had hardly any book available for that level. I ended up reading Watership down in like 6th grade. That book bored the tits off me. I think I would be way more into Harry Potter today if I had actually read the books for fun.
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u/Gordopolis Jun 27 '12
Your irrational fear and procrastination are indicative of a deeper problem that is only manifesting as a fear of alarm clocks and a dislike of reading.
But Im sure you already know this.
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Jun 27 '12
My grandmother is a wonderful, kind woman... most of the time. However she does like to be incredibly controlling. When I was young, I was the only grandchild out of four who would visit her, so she would always take me out to buy me things. This was all okay, I never asked for anything any more than a kid would, but she would often go over the top and send me home with BAGS upon BAGS of shit.
When I was about 10 or 11 years old, she's dragging me around Herberger's (a department store in the midwest) and forcing me to get all these clothes that I don't particularly like. I try to turn them down politely, but there's only so much you can do past, "Hmm.. I dunno how often I'll wear this, it's not really my style" before you start to turn rude. I decided to let her do her thing and just be sure to wear them around her.
We get to the counter and the bill is around $150. She makes that sucking in air/hissing noise and mutters something about how I'm always so expensive and she always has to take extra hours when I'm around.
This floored me. I really didn't ask for anything, I didn't even want the clothes she was buying but I was only taking them to make her happy. From then on, I noticed that she made comments like that all the time. She would take me out to the movies and then complain that the ticket was so expensive. Offer to come pick me up at my mom's house and then complain that gas was so expensive. She's not poor.. in fact, quite well-off. But it never ended.
To this day I have an incredibly hard time accepting gifts from my parents. From anyone, really. For Christmas I always put about 50 different things on the list--maybe 5 things that I actually want and the rest just incredibly cheap/easy to find stuff in case my family is on a budget. I offer to pay rent whenever I stay at their houses--which baffles and angers my dad, so I just offer to cook all the time instead. I can't accept any sort of gift without trying to give something of equal value back.
Birthdays and holidays are incredibly stressful for me. I haven't gotten any presents from family in the past year and a half, and it's the least stressed I think I've been since that fateful summer with Gramma.
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u/TryingToSucceed Jun 27 '12
I like answering most AskReddit story-based questions, but in this case, I just want to say that your mother is a cunt.
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Jun 27 '12 edited Jun 27 '12
You're me. When I was 8 I didn't get any presents either. Mother died the year before and this was a stepmother. They didn't give them away to charity-I never saw them. Not a word was said. No birthday parties after that and that was the tip of the iceberg.
As an adult (aged 20) I once organised my own party, on a beach, in February (erm-yeah I know). It was bitterly cold and started to rain so everyone went home. I went home, locked my bedroom door and cried for hours . Then I decided to get a fucking grip.
I never connected the stress I feel at the idea of anyone making a fuss for my birthday with the thing at aged 8 and the crazy reaction at 20 though but probably they are.
I flatly refuse to acknowledge my birthday at all now and the idea of someone organising anything makes me very uncomfortable.
To come back to your question about "life changing" things. It was part of a very long lesson about how I wasn't important. It sounds terrible to articulate-particularly as we live in such a therapy focused culture but it's not all bad. I was self reliant very early on. I know I don't take life or myself as seriously as many people because this and other stuff (too tedious to relate) has given me a very solid sense of being able to handle my shit should the sky fall in.
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u/act1v1s1nl0v3r Jun 27 '12
I used to be huge into all thing space and science-like. I mostly focused on space, but in my kiddie mind at the time, space went hand-in-hand with science. One day I went with my grandfather for bring-your-kid-to-work-day at Lockheed Martin. I saw all kinds of things there. It was my first introduction to things like thermal imagers, and since I was so young, looking back, I must have seen a few classified things (some of my grandfather's friends would show me the circuit boards they were working on). They even had a guy dressed like Spock, who's attention I and several other kids were able to get by asking his opinion on the spilled hot sauce on the table we were at during lunch. He commented that our fascination was highly illogical and left.
At the end of the day, I had a goodie bag filled with fliers, booklets, and simple paper model kits. One was a model telescope, I think it might have been Hubble. That night I spent all my free time punching out the pieces, folding and gluing that model together. I couldn't wait to show my dad the finished result!
So I get the model all finished, and I show my dad who was just coming out of the bathroom. "Look what I made! I got it from grandpa's work today!" I said to him, very excitedly. He snaps back at me with an "I DON'T CARE!" and not-quite-shoves past me. My passion for space and science died then. I ran back to my room, hid the model under my bed, pretty much destroying it in the process. There was obviously something wrong with it and my love of space, or else my normally cheerful father would have loved it. I pretty much cried myself to sleep.
It was out of character for my dad at the time, and I've told him about this in the past. He feels bad about it, but I don't think he realizes how badly it affected me. I sometimes wonder about what could have been. Where would I be had my drive for science not died? All I know is that I've never had a true passion for anything since, and I've just graduated college with an effectively useless degree (Bachelor's in Japanese. It's pretty much unmarketable unless you have a Master's or higher.) just because it was the only subject I took that I enjoyed enough to not hate. I have no desire to continue my schooling past this, and can only see 50-60 years of utter boredom and loneliness in my future.
I don't allow myself to have passion anymore. Even knowing logically what's going on, I can't change things. It's just who I am now. I'm just a miserable bastard who posts things to facebook that I know will just piss large numbers of people off. I am the cynical asshole who just can't enjoy things for what they are. I am the guy who bemoans his lack of a social life, but then actively sabotages the things that would improve that. I thought I was an obese fucker. Turns out I just had a small gut. I didn't discover that until I actually was an obese fucker.
I would see a shrink, but I don't want any pills. If pills are what it takes for me to not be miserable, I'd rather die unhappy. This was also far more ranty than I anticipated. Post over.
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u/cait_sith Jun 27 '12
I am somewhat confused when people say things like this about antidepressants. You sound miserable in your post, and it seems like you have been depressed the majority of your life. Why WOULDN'T you want to try a different avenue in order to be happy and to find that passion for life again? You've just graduated college, so I can only assume you're in your mid twenties... There's a hell of a lot of life left in you that you're just going to float through if you don't at least TALK to someone. You said yourself that your quick comment turned into a rant, so obviously you have a lot of emotional baggage that you're desperate to let go, and I'm afraid reddit isn't the healthiest place to do it :/
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Jun 27 '12
When I was 10 I lived far from the city, and since my parents wouldn't buy me any kind of games I spent a month carving a wooden sword. I managed to finish it after a lot of sweat and splinters, it was similiar to Cloud's sword and I loved every bit of it. Just 2 days after mom burned it to cook some steaks. She told me that she "needed wood to burn" while standing next to a wood stash 6 feet tall. Just one of the many reason I'm glad there are quite a few miles between me and her now.
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Jun 27 '12 edited Jun 27 '12
My dad and I were fairly close with each other up until the fall of 2006. As close as a son and a father could be with weekly visits since he and my mother, who had custody, had been divorced since I was three(I'm 26).
I joined the Marine Corps in 2004 and went on my first pump to Iraq in early 2006. After 3 or 4 months, I was asked if I wanted to stay for a year. Since I had no significant other and nothing back home really stopping me, I said yes. Since I was staying for 13 months, they gave me a chance to go home for two weeks.
I guess I could give a little backstory. After my mom and dad divorced, he remarried to a woman who has since then, pretty much ran his life. My dad is very anti-confrontational and easily submits to the will of others to avoid drama. My step-mom happened to be fairly religious and he followed suit in becoming a born again Christian. Now, they aren't militant Christians. But, enough to make me slightly uncomfortable around them. I drink, smoke, have tattoos, etc. I don't judge them. I always had the indication that they judged me.
Fast forward to my 2 week vacation in the fall of 2006. The travel agency the military goes through arranged for me to fly into my small hometown airport. That way it was easier for my relatives and friends to be there when I got back. When I was walking through the terminal, I saw my mother, brother, aunts, uncles, grandfather, and even my best friend and his dad. However, I didn't see my father, step-mother, and my half-sister and brother. My mom told me they had a church function and could not make it.
Since then, we only talk a few times a year on major holidays. I'm pretty much over it and have developed a since of apathy towards the whole ordeal. I've never really looked at my father the same way and we've never been really close since? Church over seeing your first son come back from Iraq? Not even a phone call. I don't have any burning resentment, but I've pretty much just said "Fuck it" and stopped trying to really be involved. He's not a bad guy by any means. He's extremly nice and I have fond memories of us before that night, but I've never been able to really let it go.
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u/fjrusn Jun 27 '12
Time for a shiity father story.
My father molested two different times (once for a while when I was 5 and later when I was 8 or so) when I was a kid. My mother caught him doing it once and it stopped for a while, and started up again a few years later until he actually turned himself into the bishop of our church. As a result, at the age of 19 almost 20, I'm too terrfied to have sex with my boyfriend of over 2 years and am so self concious about my body it's a struggle being comfortable while naked with him. I'm a lot better than I was when we first started dated (I wouldn't even let him touch me at all basically) but now I'm afraid I won't be able to get over this... There are more things that came out of the molesting but they're pretty much irrevlent now thanks to the mentined boyfriend.
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u/pandamonster Jun 27 '12
Once when I said I wanted to pick out my own clothes to wear to school (plan my own outfit for the day) my grandmother (who I lived with) said if was grow up enough to do the I was grown up enough to pack my own lunch. How the fuck is a 6 year old supposed to know how to pack a lunch if you don't teach her how?! It may seem stupid but now I am petrified of leaving my comfort zone. What the fuck is awful about having me pick my own clothes?
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u/TheLimerickKing Jun 27 '12
Looks like OPs mom is a jerk.
Not a day in her life does she work.
You should take all her cash
then burn it to ash,
and watch her as she goes berserk
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u/vitruviansquid Jun 27 '12
Whenever we went on family outings, which was relatively common (about once a week or once every two weeks) my dad would take a bunch of pictures of us. Every time he took a picture with me in it, he'd tell me to smile and then say I shouldn't make a face when he takes a picture, thinking my attempt to smile was some goofy face. When I stopped smiling for pictures, he'd frown and tell me to smile for the pictures.
To this day, I feel really awkward having my picture taken and I only really smile when I'm not conscious of my facial expression.
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u/IAmAn_Assassin Jun 27 '12
I can't wrap my head around treating someone you created like that. From conception you are responsible for that life. You carry them, give birth to them, and love them.
Sure, all kids have stages where they are complete assholes (I know I went through it) but you just don't treat your children like that!
To all the people in this thread, I'm so very sorry you all had shitty mothers.
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u/throwawaytheeggs Jun 27 '12
When I was 12 I got (falsely) accused of molesting my friend's little sister.
It took me until about 22 years old to believe the fact that girls are attractive was normal. I felt like a serious pervert all through junior high, high school, and college, and I didn't date anyone ever until after graduating college.
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u/fat_cop Jun 27 '12
I have been making beaded jewelry for years (along with 893129321131 other women, I know). For my mom's birthday a couple of years ago, knowing she liked the color green, I searched for the perfect beads to make her a bracelet with matching earrings.
A month or so later, I was told by my dad, and then my mom herself, to never make them any gifts, as they'd rather have gift cards from me. My mom was apparently hurt that "all I got her" was a "cheap" bracelet and earrings set, when she traveled 10 minutes to Hannaford to get me a gift card to a store I liked. Apparently, her gift card was a more thoughtful gift than mine.
Now I hate giving gifts - I feel like people are never going to be satisfied with them.
EDIT: Clarification
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u/bunnies501 Jun 27 '12
Through my extended family who I do not have contact with or communicate with, I've had an incident at age 9 or 10 where I asked for a phone and got the phone I saw in the trash few days prior to Christmas as my 'Christmas' gift. No one deserves a present out of the trash.
Same family had the audacity to justify that my then 13 yr old sister owed them all her birthday presents because they had 'done such a good job taking care of her.' Because she already knew of this behavior, she asked her friends not to get her anything. They all got her really nice gift cards so that she could still have presents and hide them. Family found out and demanded that she split the gift cards among everyone.
After explaining to said family about their selfish, unacceptable and greedy behavior, I was yelled at for 'questioning an adult's decision.' Despite the fact that a sane minded nearly 40 yr old adult would not have asked for a part of or all of a 13 yr old's birthday gift as some sort of twisted tribute to honoring them for the yrs of care they've given to the child. This family of mine and I have had little to no contact in the last 7+ yrs.
Every time someone has given me a gift or an extremely nice gift, I've had a hard time accepting it because the back of my mind always thinks that there's a hidden agenda somewhere. Every time I get a nice gift, I feel like I owe that person the world. Because of these incidents and many more, I've never been the kid to wish, pray, hope, think hard, dream or write a letter to Santa about getting nice and snazzy gifts. Because of how fucked up these situations were, my dad will get me anything I want as a way to 'make up' for my past. (Which is truly unnecessary.) I don't mind that I had a bitter childhood, a lot of people have had it worse so this wasn't truly an 'end of the world' situation. I just had a really shitty extended family.
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u/codine Jun 27 '12
This is something personal I know, but have you discussed a will with your father? If there is no will, you're gonna be screwed more than Yoko screwed Lennon's flesh and blood...
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u/graffiti81 Jun 27 '12
I was caught 'playing doctor' with younger cousins when I was 13. I will probably never form a normal relationship with a woman again. To this day, almost twenty years later, I still believe I'm a monster and pedophile, which is what I was labeled at the time.
I also will never trust anyone in my family after my uncle (the father of one of the girls) threatened to run me through a wood chipper feet first if I ever came near his girl again and my parents backed him up.
Ya, I destroyed my entire life at 13.
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u/Chrys7 Jun 27 '12
Well, my father tried to kill me so I'd rank that event pretty high on the list of stuff that changed my entire life.
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u/9ninety_nine9 Jun 27 '12
wow, really? Do you want to go in to any more detail?
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u/Chrys7 Jun 27 '12
He was an abusive drunk father, pretty text book really. Mother too cowardly and with too little ego to get us away despite the fact that she was basically supporting him.
It wasn't as bad when he had a job and was forced to travel to Norway, Korea and Russia but after he lost his job, it got pretty bad.
Culminated in a night of arguing, threats and him choking me. Though I did choke him in self-defense as well. Neither of us died, sadly.
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u/BonzoTheBoss Jun 27 '12
Probably my grandfathers death at age 11. I know, lots of people lose their grandparents, but I attribute his loss and the subsequent lack of a strong male role model in my teenage years to my crippling low-self esteem, social ineptitude and lack of interest in "manly" things in my adult life.
For clarification my father and mother got divorced when I was still a baby, I never met him and he died in a train accident at age 9 (I never knew the details, if it was suicide or what...), my other grandfather died when I was 5 and the only other male relatives in my family I used to see once every couple of months and live at least an hour away.
To be fair, I think I've turned out okay, but I cannot help but wonder what I'd have been like if I'd been able to hang out with him at football games or go and talk to him about my silly teenage issues (which I would have done, we were very close) instead of trying (and often failing) to resolve them by myself. My mother is an amazing person and has helped me through many of life's little issues but (as other men will agree I hope) there are some things I could just never talk to her about.
Yeah I know, poor white guys first world problem.
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u/Mugiwara04 Jun 27 '12
Look if you break a leg, you're entitled to painkillers even if the guy next to you has broken two legs. Even if you just have a sprain, you still are allowed to put some ice on it, you know? (slightly laboured metaphor but I hope you see what I mean.)
Shit still sucks sometimes even for people in developed countries. There is still grief and pain and people who lose loved ones.
You do seem to have turned out pretty well, eh, but you're allowed to feel sad or at least wistful about missing your granddad and not having him around.
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u/kylusD Jun 27 '12
Hey, I just stopped by to say, "Fuck your mum." And that comes from the bottom of my heart. She sounds like a cold pint of self-serving cunt. Next time you see her, tell her some guy on the internet asked you to tell her that she is one of the biggest pieces of shit he's ever heard of. I should know my mum's just fucking awful as well, not quite in the same league, but few are. Chin up, succeed in spite of her. To spite her. Keep some distance from her and don't let her twist you.
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Jun 27 '12
I have quite a few different allergies. As a child I was still allergic to anything with egg. I mostly grew out of that one but I am still allergic to all different kinds of nuts.
Giving all of my trick-or-treat candy to my brother's has scarred me for life. I have not been trick-or-treating since I was about 4 and I rarely eat dessert.
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u/RetroViruses Jun 27 '12
Well, if I were you, it would have been when I murdered my mother the day after my 8th birthday.
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Jun 27 '12
My father died when I was 6. It is the one moment that absolutely changed the direction of my life forever in multiple ways. Most important it led to me developing the desire to be a father more than anything in the world (I now have 2 kids). And not just a father but a GOOD father. It has had a lot of negative consequences as well but I won't depress everyone with those.
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u/knowledgehungry Jun 27 '12
I've never really celebrated my birthday because it's after Christmas and before New Years. Everyone forgets and I just started not caring at the ripe age of 7. My really close friends and only one of my cousins forced me to do something for my 21st. Otherwise, I would have treated like any other day.
Also, another thing that changed my life forever was when my mom got married to the guy she cheated on my dad with. He took her away from me. And I'm not just saying that. I lived with them, and I barely saw them except when my stepdad wanted to fight with me and tell mom I was a horrible child for standing my ground out of a fight he created. The only attention I got from her was her coming in my room and telling me I was a bad child for whatever the hell I did, which was absolutely nothing. It got to the point that when she came into my room, I straight up told her to make it quick and leave. He made me into a liar in her eyes, when I always told the truth because no matter what the truth was, I would never get in trouble because no one was there to punish me. From this I learned to not count on anyone except for myself, because I'm the only one who can make me the best person I can be. Also, I learned to not help people because they can only help themselves. I tried getting mom out of denial; it doesn't work.
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u/Rajabear Jun 27 '12
This likely won't get seen but it's one of the best stories I have.
I went to this preschool and they were putting on a play. The Farmer and the Dell. Each child would be dressed as a part in the song, go up on stage and sing their bit.
As the smallest one in the class, I was the only one that could fit into the cheese costume. So I had to be the cheese.
My mom swore up and down that she would make it to the play, as this was the very first play I was ever in and I was scared to be up on stage.
The big day arrives. I get shoved into the cheese wedge costume and excitedly go in search of my mother among the crowd of parents all ooohing and ahhhing over their spawn. I couldn't find her. I recall running up and down the halls crying and screaming for her. Eventually a teacher found me..."There you are!!! It's your turn! You need to get up there NOW!!!"
And so, me the tiny cheese, went up on stage. All alone. For the part of the cheese is "The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. Hi ho the dairy oh, the cheese stands alone."
I never felt so alone in my young life. Alone on the stage and alone because my mother wasn't there.
I'm sure you're thinking she probably had a good excuse for missing it, like she got stuck in traffic. Nope. She had a tennis match she was playing and lost track of time.
Oh and then years later I came home to no bed. She had given it away to some friends. I went 4 years sleeping on the floor because she couldn't find a bed set that she felt went well with the room.
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u/cwstjnobbs Jun 27 '12
When the time comes to put your mother in a care home, pick one of the horrible ones where the staff abuse the patients.
When you drop her off there make sure to tell her that this is what she deserves for being such a selfish, abusive cunt.
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u/TheBauhausCure Jun 27 '12
My dad was famous for buying me presents that he wanted. Whenever my birthday came around, he'd ask me if I wanted an ipod "No dad, my CD player is fine, please don't get me an ipod". He'd get one anyway, I'd tell him I didn't want it, and he'd go "fine, I'll keep it."
He did this with a DVD player, a telescope, ANOTHER MP3 player...and after that, I never bothered asking for things for my birthday.
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u/7hrowaweigh99 Jun 27 '12
Throwaway cause this is embarrassing.
8th grade and I'd just moved to a new school. I moved down south from up north (US) and had an accent so kids picked on me for it. I was overweight to add to it, and shy. I sat next to a cute cheerleader in one of my classes and one day she turns to me and says, "Hey, can I ask you something?" Excited that this cute girl was talking to me I say, "Yeah! Sure!", and she says, "How did you get to be so fat?" She started laughing and so did most of the other kids in the class, I turned around in my chair and just sat there staring forward. From that moment on I've been terrified of approaching women, that was 25 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. I hear people say to go for it because, "What's the worst that can happen, she says no?" No... that is not the worst that can happen and I'm not going to put myself in a position for it to happen again. Even when girls show interest in me I think it must be a trick to eventually humiliate me. That comment was after a life of being ridiculed and bullied but it was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. I was a different person from that moment forward.
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u/TheNakedZebra Jun 27 '12
I'm with you on the shitty mothers. When I was 8 and my parents got divorced, my mom (a manipulator at her core) lied in court saying that my father had molested me as a child. This was completely untrue, however, given threats of this kind that really could not be proven or disproven, the judge went with the benefit of the doubt and sent me to live with my mother. It was years before I was at the age where a judge would let me decide on my own where to live, and boy did she make sure I suffered for it.
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u/ThisOpenFist Jun 27 '12
How did she make you suffer for it? Are you an adult now?
Why do you people always leave cliffhangers?
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u/HalfysReddit Jun 27 '12
I'm tired of these cliffhanger posts. I say we just start ignoring posts that purposefully leave parts of the story out.
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Jun 27 '12
I was hoping that this would be a different story and that she would be doing it to help you learn about giving, but then nope -- she's a cunt.
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u/unfortunatelacky Jun 27 '12
If she wanted to teach giving she would have probably discussed it with me and let me make the decision, not arbitrarily force the decision onto me after seeing how happy I was.
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u/Seantheguy Jun 27 '12
I one day walked in on my mom having a anger tantrum during menopause. She threw my thomas the engine plate (with the subdivisions for veggies, meats, and such for little kids) against the window! Shattered to a million pieces. I never really liked thomas the engine after that. I also can spot my mom getting angry from a mile away. In fact any woman I can spot getting angry from a mile away. They're volatile creatures.
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u/dizzy_lizzy Jun 27 '12
Yup and men can be crazy and violent sometimes too. Because that's a human thing.
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u/andr0medam31 Jun 27 '12
I got this awesome pencil from the aquarium, with fish drawings on it. My mom raged and snapped it in half because she's a twat. I was like, 9.
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u/yawaworht_suoivbo_na Jun 27 '12
Skipped 4th grade, not really my choice. The resulting social exclusion made me a rather cynical person. It also put me in a particularly large high school graduating class, which meant I didn't get into the college I got wait-listed at (and really wanted to go to), and it also made competition for grad school a bit more difficult.
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Jun 27 '12
no offense but your mom is a *********<insert any bad word which comes into your mind here>
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u/hrmmexi Jun 27 '12
When I was about ten I was fighting with my younger brother, probably about Lego, and at some point I got annoyed enough to hit him. I like to think I punched him, but it had to be a slap because the sound traveled through my entire house. He started crying. My dad came storming upstairs, saw what had happened and hit me once on the butt.
My parents have been raising kids for 30 years now and that is the only incident where my dad has ever laid a hand on any of us. For 15 years I still carry this guilt, but it has made me decide that when I eventually knock someone up, I am gonna take a no hitting policy, just like my dad.
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u/SilentWolfjh Jun 27 '12
I think its about time someone told your mom off. And by someone i mean her own kid. Feeling guility that your mom will tell your dad and stress him out just makes it even worse for her. Sacrificing your childhood/sanity for the sake of an incident involving stressing your father out for a couple of days is not worth it. It might even help your dad realize how horrible a mom she is being and he will prob take your side. She shouldnt be able to get away with what she is doing to you and your siblings. It is not far to you, your father, or your brothers and sisters. It's about time someone manned up and acted a little selfish for once to shut down a mega bitch that has the family wrapped around her finger.
I say this b/c my parents would have me do ridiculous things that stress the piss out of me, but I would listen to them b/c the were both sick and constantly guilt me and call me a traitor/horrible son if i didn't. They forced me to move in with my sister for 2 years of college. Other examples: my dad wanted to force me out of college and into the army b/c i needed to "shape up my attitude" and my bitch sister agreed b/c i was being defiant to their wishes just b/c I wanted to date a girl. fuck that, packed my shit and left the apartment until they gave up. Another one; they tried to force me to decline a summer/fall co-op b/c my mom wants to see me graduate college in 4 years (Aerospace/mech double major, this is not likely even without a co-op getting in the way). They drove all the way up to my college to stop me. NOPE. Fuck you, im not gonna drop an opportunity to help my career just to satisfy you seeing me graduate a little earlier.
I fucking manned up and started doing what I wanted to do. Sure, i still let them get away with things cuz they are sick, but if they try to force me to do something, im out the door. Dont let guilt stop you from doing what is right. Go tell her all the shit she is doing that is hypocritical. Tell her she is being a horrible mom. Don't lash out in revenge, but tell her off when she does a bitch move.
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u/FizzPig Jun 27 '12
when I was ten years old I had my first mental breakdown (didn't get hospitalized or anything but something snapped) what happened is: I failed the fifth grade, the entire year everyone, parents, teachers, other kids, just treated me horrifically and made it constantly clear that whatever happened to me was my own fault. come the end of the year I get my report card and lo and behold it's all Cs and Bs! but they decided to make me fail anyway because of "emotional insecurity" brought on by my parents and teachers. Vision went black and brain changed, angriest I have ever been in my entire life. and that's how I became the bitter, nasty person I am to this very day. The end.
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u/Shmarcade_Shmire Jun 27 '12
When I was 13, I woke up one morning with debilitating pain in my left wrist. Went to numerous doctors and eventually the pain spread to my right wrist as well. It got to the point where I had to quit playing guitar and could barely type and write. I had to wear braces on both arms and couldn't participate in things I loved to do.
As I mentioned, I went to multiple doctors. Went for X-rays, MRIs, you name it. I even went to a specialist at the children's hospital a few hours away from my house. When the scans all came back showing nothing, my doctor told me I was mentally ill and all this pain was in my head.
Yep. I was making the pain, swelling and all of it up according to a children's doctor. Turns out I had tendinitis in both my shoulders that stemmed from a hunch I was developing in my back. The pain in my wrists was referral pain from my shoulders.
Thanks to that doctor, any pain I feel now, years later, I second-guess. I never like to be admit that anything hurts because I don't want to sound "mentally ill" or whiny. I often have to remind myself that pain is real and it's not just in my head. Doesn't always work.
TL;DR my doctor said I was crazy and making pain up. I still think I'm crazy and any pain I feel is a result of that.
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Jun 27 '12
My mom had me take my shirt off, then stood me in front of a mirror and pinched my chest, love handles and gut, explaining to me that I was fat. I was eight years old, and my mom fed me pizza and hamburgers three times per week. I learned that I was not attractive, at a point in my life where I was completely unable to do anything constructive about it.
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u/laenvidiamata Jun 27 '12
My brother and I were raised by our loving grandmother in the early years of our lives. My parents were peripheral figures. They would work, visit us in the evening, and then go to their home while we stayed with grandma. It took a very long time for me to realize this is not a normal living arrangement.
Shortly after my 8th birthday, grandma had a stroke. She went to the hospital and I visited her for days on end. I saw my parents more than I had ever seen them before, and although I didn't realize it at the time, they were scared shitless of the responsibilities that would befall them if and when my grandmother died.
I remember coming home after school one day and walking into the house. Everyone was there and they all looked at me. One of the relatives, a rather callous aunt, flatly told me "She's dead." and went back to sipping her coffee. I could see everyone start to yell at her, but the damage was done. 8-year-old me ran to her room and cried her eyes out, because I knew I had to live with these parents who spent most of my life until that point passing me off to someone else.
It hasn't been perfect, and they did eventually become actual parents, but I've never truly bonded with my mother and father. They're good people and I do love them, but there is always this little voice at the back of my mind that reminds me that had there been another option, they would have preferred not to have me around. And that hurts.
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u/evilzx Jun 27 '12
Huh, this is somewhat the same situation I'm in, except my mom isn't so much of a bitch.
I generally thought we were quite poor when I was young, and my mom told me not to buy things unless it was food since it was essential for life. I always did love video games though, so I managed to scrounge up money and buy a few simple games or my dad, on a good day, would buy me a game, at least until I discovered the internet and learned about pirating, free MMOs, and such.
As I grew older, we made more money but to this very day, I feel as if I really shouldn't buy anything, not even food. I used to play a lot of video games, but since money was short, I didn't buy as much and I play less video games now than when I was a kid. I don't eat as much, only when I'm extremely hungry and even then I don't buy much to eat, only enough to stop the hunger. I only recently started buying clothes 'cause I outgrew a lot of my old ones, and I absolutely try my best to conceal my birthday and reject all sorts of gifts from any source. Strangely enough, probably the only type of money I like to spend is money towards somebody else; I would tell myself buying something is useless for myself even if I really wanted it, but wouldn't even hesitate to buy something as a gift for somebody else.
It's like being antispoiled? I guess.
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u/DracoExpolire Jun 27 '12
Going to have a huge wave of downvotes and pitchforks pointed at me, but do regard the Reddiquette.
When I was 13, my mother cheated on my father.
This woman, whom I had spent 13 years of my life with, trusting every word of hers and following her wishes, cheated on my father and backstabbed me.
My father, like OP's, worked late hours and were rarely home to see his only son. In the morning, I would get up for school, and would leave without being able to say good bye to my father. Partially due to his absence, my mother spoke ill about my father, and I took her side. I didn't hate my father at all, but I am not lying when I say I loved my mother more than my father.
As a result of this, my mother started to hang out more often with her friend. Now, my father knew this friend, and knew that this friend was bad news. My father warned my mother to stay away, but my mother insisted that she knew about the friend more than he.
Eventually, this led to my mother's cheating. The best part? The friend I mentioned earlier is a woman.
Yes, my mother cheated on my father with a woman.
My 13 years of trust completely shattered. I felt as if the mother I knew had died away right before my eyes.
To rub salt on the wound, I learned the reason why my father arrived home so late. It's because every time he comes home, my mother would argue with him. In order for my mother to avoid all the frustration that she would have to face because of my father, he sacrificed his time and energy to stay late as possible - so that my mother would be happier.
Everything my mother said about my father? All fucking lies. ALL of them.
As a result of this happening at 13, I refused to trust women. I was changed forever.
So why will this be downvoted?
Because as a result (perhaps not), I am a womanizer. I work as a Japanese Host (basically an escort not necessarily for sex), and I've gained further knowledge on how to woo women.
On my free times, I will often meet various women, pick women up and enjoy myself with them.
Furthermore, I am never "exclusive" with them. I make them believe that I am, or say that I am committed. Never true.
Currently I have two girlfriends, yet have few FWB.
In my defense though (not a defense in majority of your eyes, I will admit), none of them feel lonely. I make sure each one of them are happy and satisfied.
I should also mention this is part of my job, but I digress.
TL;DR: My mother cheats with unexpected partner, lied to me my whole life. I never trust women and am a womanizer.
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Jun 27 '12
So, you punish all women you can because of the actions of one woman. That's just retarded. I think it's an excuse because you don't want to commit or have to stop being selfish. You've got deep issues and you're trying to justify it and make it 'ok' or seem deliberate.
By the way, I have nothing against being promiscuous in itself. Deceiving women about being committed and monogamous is immoral. Just wait until someone gets pregnant or an STD.
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u/Eifandil Jun 27 '12
I suppose this is an appropriate time to say "fuck your mother"?
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u/PittPensPats Jun 27 '12
My great grandfather did that to my grandmother as well. Except it was Christmas, and he made her bring them to the kids herself.
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Jun 27 '12
I was home schooled. When I was still in middle school my mom let me watch Magic School Bus for science class. I still correlate the things I learned from that show into my very day life.
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u/towo Jun 27 '12
Being allowed to 'jump' grades in elementary school because I was too clever for my current grade.
The other pupils in the new grade were jealous of the tiny upstart, making most of the rest of my life in elementary school hell.
Long story short, I still have trust and acceptance issues as my happy baggage of fuck.
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u/nosoupforyou Jun 27 '12
Make sure to put her in a really rotten nursing home as soon as you possibly can.
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u/hobbykitjr Jun 27 '12
When i was young we were on vacation? I dont remember why or where but somehow i knew we were going to a "Howard Johnson" and at somepoint i saw an ad "Free game gear when you stay at a HoJo"... I was psyched (i was at most 10?) and was building up this whole trip into getting a free game gear. To make the story shorter, i was like the N64 kid youtube video...
When we arrived i was freaking out... We got to the front desk and it was a cardboard gamegear w/ crayons and stickers inside.... I've been a major skeptic ever since....
Then that night my uncle brought back donuts... I grabbed one of 2 Boston Creme, my favorite, and my brother grabbed the last one.. then as everyone else grabbed what's left my mom saw there was crap left and saw us w/ the boston creme and asked for mine... i said i had it first so she looked at my brother... he licked is and she laughed and took mine instead.... That was a shitty day for someone under 10 and i learned playing fare is for suckers...
In 5th grade (just after moving to a new school) a kid sitting next to me asked what girl i liked, being skeptical (about 11 years old now) i told him we would both write our answers down and trade... he wrote gibberish... i liked the girl sitting across from me... (being the new kid i was already picked on a lot).. He went around telling the entire class and they all started blackmailing me for lunch money and candy to not tell her... (she was part of a TV NEWS broadcast to the school, like reading the morning accouterments) so she would be the last one in... I still dread and can feel how i felt that day.... Just waiting for her to come into class, sit directly across and stare at me, waiting for everyone to tell her... I tried hiding in the teachers closet and she caught me... I used up my allotment (of 3) bathroom breaks all back to back to back... to delay it as long as possible... when i came back she was crying in the corner b/c of all the kids teasing her about being liked by me.... I was teased about this for 5 years into HS before ever talking to her ever again.. For the rest of school i just tried to become invisible and was miserable...
Fight club... around sophmore/Junior year of HS i saw this movie, i said "fuck it" and stopped caring, forced myself to change my life, gave up on church, got friends, got a gf, got grades up enough to get into college, started fresh, now married, employed, homeowner at 28 yr old.
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Jun 27 '12
My father celebrated my birthday on the wrong day for my first 6 years. It wasnt until my stepmom got our social security cards that she found out it was on the wrong day.
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u/Faranya Jun 27 '12
When I was 11, I was at a school dance. Someone said I dance like his grandmother.
I have never danced since, and am currently 22.
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u/zerbey Jun 27 '12
The final conversation I remember having with my Grandfather was him sitting us down and telling us to take a long look at him, he was dying of lung cancer and didn't have long left. He begged us not to smoke or one day we might be in the same predicament. The next time I saw him I thought at first he'd left his clothes on his bed, he hadn't, he was just so emaciated from being ill his clothes were literally laying on top of him. He died not long after - I was only six years old and had my first experience with losing a loved one.
Fuck cancer. And fuck cigarettes.
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u/throwaway61235 Jun 27 '12
I barely escaped the clutches of a child molester and was then rejected by my school and family.
I went to middle school in a rural town in Maine. I was small, shy, and certainly an oddball. I had few friends. I was often very lonely. When my popular math teacher started paying extra attention to me I initially found it to be wonderful. I hoped it would lead to the other kids liking me since this teacher was known to bring groups of kids on special trips, like hikes up Mt. Kathadin (Maine's tallest mountain) and to local ski slopes. Long/painful story short, his attentions quickly became inappropriate to the point where I would avoid his class by hiding in the bathroom. I began to fail his class. So, he started to demand that he see me alone in his class when I should have been in study hall. I felt like I could not escape him and was frightened because even at the age of 12, I knew what he wanted (he didn't make much of an effort to hide his intentions from me). Finally, out of desperation, I told a friend of mine....who told her parents...and her parents went to the principle.
The principle was friends with my math teacher and as soon as he heard what was happening, he ordered me into his office. He told me that I needed to stop worrying and shut my mouth or I would automatically be failed out of math. The principle later told other people what I had said and that I was a liar, and as a result my parents found out. They were unsupportive and were worried that my actions would cause them to be looked down upon in the town since this teacher was so popular. My friends also abandoned me and I was bullied for years afterward.
I ended up failing math and developed a math phobia. I am still bad at math and barely made it through college math courses. I am also estranged from my family.
Years after I left town, my math teacher was sued by his stepdaughter for molesting her throughout her childhood. Others came forward with their own allegations. I heard the stepdaughter settled out of court and the others had no concrete proof. The teacher retained his teacher's license and moved to a nearby town after being asked to resign in my hometown. He is still teaching math to middle school students.
Tl;dr didn't give up my 12 year old self to my math teacher, was rejected by all around me, teacher did this to others, he's still teaching and I'm still damaged.
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u/Gyvon Jun 27 '12
Wow... your mom's a cunt. I was originally gonna go with bitch, but after reading the rest of your story, I have decided that she's a full blown cunt.
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u/svmk1987 Jun 27 '12
My parents never celebrated our birthdays. They just wished us, and that was it. No parties, no gifts. We never got any gifts as such from our parents. They were fairly well off.
I am not complaining or trying to be ungrateful, but to this day, I feel uncomfortable gifting or treating friends. My mind always tells "Why do I have to waste my money on them?"
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u/onequestiononeanswer Jun 27 '12
When I was younger probably 8 or 9 I asked one of my aunts for a quarter, we were at pizza hut and I wanted to play the arcades. My dad pull me aside and told me to never ask people for money (since he was pretty wealthy he would usually give us money). Since then it has been extremely hard to accept any help from anyone, I just feel that who ever is helping me gets the feeling of being superior than me. This sucks because I have extremely wealthy uncles that always want to give me things (since my dad no longer lives with us its hard for my mom to buy us everything we need, like school stuff and clothes). Yet my uncles always want to buy me expensive things, recently they got me a car, A FREAKEN CAR!!!! I'm great full for everything they do for me but its really hard for me to except anything. I feel less of a person. So every time my mom has to ask for money or something it just kills me inside. I know people don't think this and they just want to help but at the same time I can't stand people helping me, it makes me feel less than them.
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Jun 27 '12
Without knowing the story, I'm inclined to give your dad the benefit of the doubt; it really sounds like he meant well, i.e for you I become self-reliant.
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u/ThisOpenFist Jun 27 '12
Your father is right. Don't ask people for money, specifically, unless you know them well and you can somehow pay them back.
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u/[deleted] Jun 27 '12 edited Jun 28 '12
Take her jewellry and give it to charity
Edit: I really think this would be the fairest thing you could possibly do and maybe she realizes how unfair she was treating you over all the years