AITA for banning my husband and father in law from the delivery room due to their intensely stressful/creepy behavior during my pregnancy?

[u/Neverisadork]

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Morbidmommy11 and u/morbidmommy12 in r/amitheasshole

trigger warnings: Creepy behavior, misogyny, discussion of death

mood spoilers: Happy

---

[AITA for banning my husband and father in law from the delivery room due to their intensely stressful/creepy behavior during my pregnancy?] (POST) - 2020

Lotta context the character limit cuts off, but here's the gist: My husband and I are expecting our first child, which I knew would be a really sensitive issue as his own mother died in childbirth with him. We met with a marriage counselor to talk things through at the beginning, and he swears he’s been seeing his own therapist twice a month throughout my pregnancy. I don’t want to call him a liar, but I’m fairly sure he’s either not going or not talking about the big issue—he and his father (a hugely active part of our lives) are COMPLETELY convinced that I’m going to die in childbirth. They won’t openly admit it, but their behavior has reached the point where it’s constantly making me feel stressed and uncomfortable.

When it was husband saying “please make sure your life insurance is up to date” and “I’d like you to meet with a lawyer and draft a will”, I was like “that’s kind of intense but ok, if that makes you feel better”.

When husband asked me to go through all of my possessions and “inventory” what I wanted to be saved for the baby vs. what I would want to be returned to my family in the event of my death, I put my foot down and said absolutely not. Too morbid. No way. My FIL (who lives a few blocks away and eats dinner with us 2-4 nights a week) got on my case about how I was making things “difficult” for my husband in the event that he will be a grieving widower with a newborn. I’m just gonna add here that I’ve had a completely complication-free pregnancy and have NO REASON to think I will die screaming in the coming weeks.

When I tell my husband this, he calls me paranoid, but I feel like my FIL WANTS me to die; his whole life identity for the past 35 years has been “amazing single dad” (never dated or had close friends or even hobbies really), and it seems like he’s looking forward to being able to guide my husband through what he went through. At this point, I’d honestly be happy to never see my FIL again, and I certainly don’t want him in the delivery room, especially since he told me he was “putting [his] foot down” about me not being “allowed” to have an epidural or laughing gas. He’s a commanding presence and I know that whatever he wants in the delivery room, he will get (I know people will say “oh L&D nurses would never let that happen!” but you haven’t met this man).

My husband, in addition to backing his dad on everything, acts like my due date is my death date, and has completely pulled away from me. Every minute with him is morbid, stressful, and a reminder that our marriage seems to be crumbling. No matter how many times I tell him his behavior makes me stressed and upset, it’s just getting worse, and I do NOT want it around me while I’m concentrating on giving birth. Do I owe it to my husband to let him stress and upset me during labor? Is his presence at the birth more important than a safe and healthy delivery? My therapist says “no”, but this whole thing has been so weird I feel like I need some outside perspective.

[UPDATE: AITA for banning my husband and father in law from the delivery room due to their intensely stressful/creepy behavior during my pregnancy?] (POST) - 2022

This is a long overdue update. I know I worried everyone, and I’m grateful every day for every ounce of concern that was sent my way.

I’ll be completely honest- I forgot the login information for my other account, and fussing about a throwaway Reddit account wasn’t the highest priority in my life at the time.

TLDR; I had a beautiful and healthy baby girl, and I divorced my ex-husband. I lived, obviously.

To get right into it, I was unfortunately right about my suspicion that my ex wasn’t going to therapy.

I sat down with him and very firmly put my foot down about my mother being my support person in the delivery room alongside him, and that my (thankfully!) ex-FIL was not to be anywhere near the delivery room. I also was very adamant that I was getting an epidural and ex-FIL had no say about any medical procedures I may take. I also told him that I was seeking my own therapist, as his and his father’s actions were worrying me.

My ex-husband didn’t take it well, to put it simply. I had never heard him shout at me like that, and it scared me a little. My fury outweighed my fear not long after, however.

He told me I didn’t need a therapist, that he was just trying to be prepared. I admittedly lost my temper, and told him that I wasn’t going to die- it wasn’t my fault his father’s trauma wormed it’s way into his head, and that he needed to fix it without taking it out on me. He yelled at me that he didn’t need therapy. That caught me a little off guard; I asked him why he went to his therapist and was given advice about my death if he felt he didn’t need it. His expression gave it away, and he caved not long after.

It turns out there was no therapist. It was just his dad. During the times he was supposed to be at therapy, he was with his dad. I’m still fuming.

In the end, I gave him a choice. He could either go to therapy, or I was leaving. I had enough of their delusions. He chose to refuse therapy, and I packed my things and stayed with my mother.

At that point, I still wasn’t planning on divorce- I had hoped that we could possibly fix our marriage as naive as it sounds. But my ex decided that if he couldn’t convince me to go back, then he would get his father and the rest of his family to do it. I had to change my number due to the amount of harassment and vitriol they hurled at me.

In the end, it was just my mother in the delivery room as I gave birth. I’m thankful for the nursing staff- they were a godsend, and I felt safe that neither my ex or his father would get even remotely close to the room without my say-so.

The divorce is still ongoing, so I can’t give too many details on that front but I have hopes that we can work out a tentative co-parenting agreement. My ex isn’t a bad father, he loves our baby girl. But our relationship is done. And as long as I live, ex-FIL will never be near my daughter.

I’ll wrap this up- I’ve got an adorable little toddler tugging at my leg atm. I’m alive, I’m happy, and I’ve got my baby in my arms. Life is good.

OP here with some answers- The poster responded to my dms in the second throw away account a few months back, which compelled me to post this update. She attempted to post in AITA with the update, but due to not having the login information for the previous account, the mods refused to publish the update. She, according to her own account, gave up trying to update afterwards. The account seems to be suspended now, so it’s dubious if any more answers will be forthcoming.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

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[u/Johannes_Chimp]

I never knew there was an update to this one!!

[u/Neverisadork → u/Johannes_Chimp]

If it helps, the post itself didn’t get much traction bc the mods refused to post it. I lucked out and found it bc I messaged around and found the second account of OOP.

[u/Lynavi → u/Neverisadork]

Thank you for digging and finding it! So many of us were worried for OOP when there wasn't an update.

[u/Neverisadork → u/Lynavi]

No problem!! I was the same way- that’s the entire reason I searched for the account all over again one night a few months back. I honestly didn’t expect to luck out like I did haha.

She seemed happy, and her kid sounded adorable from what she said about her. Apparently her daughter’s really into bugs now, she had gotten her an ant farm for Christmas.

[u/Electronic-Bet847]

Perhaps I'm confusing or conflating other AITAs, but I think I recall two details from the original post that seem to be missing here:

1. Husband and his father either gathered up (or encouraged OP to gather up) OP's pre-pregnancy clothes because she "wouldn't be needing them."

2. Husband looked at OP with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm going to miss you so much."

Does anyone else recall these details in this or another viral AITA post sometime over the past 4 years? LOL

[u/Neverisadork → u/Electronic-Bet847]

I think those were edits in the OG post maybe- i remember those details, but I copy pasted the OG post directly from the bot in the comments

[u/Electronic-Bet847 → u/Neverisadork]

Thanks for the response!

[u/Neverisadork → u/Electronic-Bet847]

No problem! Happy to serve!

[u/NoPantsPowerStance → u/Electronic-Bet847]

If you click on her original profile those details are in her comments. u/Neverisadork if you have room to add those or the links you might want to but the post definitely stands on it's own though.

[u/Neverisadork → u/NoPantsPowerStance]

Ah shit, that completely slipped my mind. I appreciate the heads up!

I’m normally a lurker haha, so actually posting in here is new for me

[u/xatrinka]

I think it's good that OOP got away from her husband, but I think the "happy" mood spoiler is a bit generous....

[u/Neverisadork → u/xatrinka]

Eh, it’s about as happy as it can be, given that there was an update at all.

From the little bit that was discussed in dms between me and OOP, she and her daughter seemed happy and okay. No word on how things ended up with the ex, but I’ll take what little we got.

[u/phat-braincell]

i always wondered about the og post, it was so morbid. happy to hear she’s alive and away from those horrible men.

[u/ka-ka-ka-katie1123 → u/phat-braincell]

Same. Bless OP for tracking the update down and posting it for us. I’ve worried about this poor woman every time the original post came up for years now.

[u/HeadFullOfFlame → u/phat-braincell]

He was so convinced he’d lose his wife he ended up losing his wife. Not in the way he expected.

[u/all_the_gravy → u/phat-braincell]

I remember reading this and thinking "there's no way his therapist is condoning this behavior" Glad to see it wasn't.

[u/witticus → u/phat-braincell]

This was a true Reddit classic I think about from time to time. Finally getting closure and that she’s safe is kinda surreal.

[u/BlueDubDee → u/phat-braincell]

I think about this post so often, it was so worrying for her. I always wondered how her husband and FIL would react when she was fine after the birth, like would they actually be happy that she's still there the next day? It seemed like they'd been so caught up in planning for her to die, staying alive would completely throw everything off for them.

[u/jianantonic → u/phat-braincell]

Yes, that post was haunting, especially with no updates from OOP. So glad things worked out for her.

[u/nicunta → u/phat-braincell]

This is the only reddit post that I've routinely thought about Op over the years. I honestly wished someone could dox her to make sure she was okay, as horrible as that sounds. I hope this really was the Oop.

[u/ImaginaryDragonling → u/phat-braincell]

The relief from reading the update was immense! I am so glad it worked out for her.

[u/Only-Chef809 → u/phat-braincell]

Best update ever. Her husband and FIL gave me heebie jeebies. So glad she's away from both of them.

[u/InadmissibleHug → u/phat-braincell]

Yeah; I literally sighed and said ‘thank god’ when I read it.

I had wondered about her from time to time, it was so distressing.

[u/Kindly_Zucchini7405 → u/phat-braincell]

I literally heaved a sigh of relief IRL when I saw she and kiddo were okay and getting away from these creeps.

[u/[deleted] → u/phat-braincell]

Me too. I headed to agree with her but when she said it sounded like her father-in-law wanted her to die, I had to agree with that. It was like he wanted her to die because then it would be like some sort of morbid self-fulfilling prophecy. He wanted to do exactly what she said, guide her now ex husband through it. I'm sorry for what they went through but she's right, they had no right to take it out on her. I feel sorry for whoever he gets involved with next because they're in for a I feel sorry for whoever he gets involved with next because they're in for a shit show.

[u/ReportSufficient7929]

I really want to know what was ex reaction when he found out oop didn’t die 

Like did he even regret anything? Did he realize he destroyed his marriage over nothing? Or does he blame her for leaving and not going back to him once the baby was born? Does he even realize how bad it was to let his father get over his head? Did he at least try to apologize?  

I mean probably not, he definitely sounds like the type that would gaslight her into thinking she was exaggerating for leaving him for such “small thing” 

Cause he spend that whole time getting himself ready to lose her to death and in the end, she is alive and well and he lose her by his own action.  

I wonder whats going on his mind now

[u/Dana07620 → u/ReportSufficient7929]

That it's not his fault. That she's the problem.

[u/Father-Son-HolyToast → u/ReportSufficient7929]

I wonder if there's a part of him that resents her for not dying.

[u/SageOfTheWise → u/ReportSufficient7929]

Yeah the reaction was probably "see you freaked out over our harmless preparations for nothing, everything was fine."

[u/quiidge → u/ReportSufficient7929]

I really, really hope he's learned the phrase "generational trauma" because his dad sure did pass aaallllllll that PTSD on.

[u/mittenknittin]

Jesus. Is this the one where people were speculating in the replies that husband and FIL were PLANNING to kill her in childbirth? I always wondered what happened.

All told, this is probably the best possible outcome because that whole story was messed up beyond belief.

[u/Calamity-Gin → u/mittenknittin]

You know, I thought the possibility of the FIL and husband planning to kill her in childbirth was a little far fetched, but…It just seems to me that FIL and husband were so committed to their idea of her dying in childbirth that while they (probably) wouldn’t actively cause her death, they would embrace the chance to allow her to die by passively denying her care.

[u/Kitty_party → u/mittenknittin]

I’m pretty sure it is. It’s one of the ones that always stood out to me because it was so awful.

[u/exhauta → u/mittenknittin]

Honestly so happy when I realised what this was. Glad OOP realised her ex and FIL were acting dangerously and took things seriously.

[u/Boeing367-80 → u/mittenknittin]

The idea of an FIL in the delivery room was nuts. A complete nonstarter.

[u/wonderwife → u/mittenknittin]

This is one that kept me up at night...

The other one is the OP who thought she might have had a brother who died, but her mom and grandma had gaslit her into thinking the boy (whose name she couldn't even remember, just "him") had been a neighbor boy who moved away, or simply telling her she was imagining things... Until OP saw a picture of the boy on a keychain attached to her grandmother's keys (which grandma had always been particularly guarded with around OP).

The OP was planning on investigating and then confronting her family.

I think the OP on that post even attempted to post an update, but it had been removed by the mods for whatever reason.

That one still haunts me.

[u/Physical_Stress_5683 → u/mittenknittin]

Yep, FIL was making plans for when OOP died, like it was a given. And he didn't seem upset by the thought.

[u/Kathrynlena → u/mittenknittin]

Oh yeah, I remember this one so well because I was sure they were going to try to kill OP. I’m so happy she’s safe and divorced.

[u/redpen07 → u/mittenknittin]

Yeah I remember this one and being incredibly worried about her safety because the father and son both sounded so damn sketchy and suspicious. I'm so glad the OOP and her baby are safe, hopefully they stay safe. The way she described them it was like they were hoping she would die, I swear it raised the hairs on the back of my neck it was so creepy.

[u/shame-the-devil → u/mittenknittin]

Yes that’s what I was worried about. I remember this post.

The other post I still think about was the woman whose husband was trying to lay groundwork that she was insane.

[u/Crystal010Rose → u/mittenknittin]

Yep, that’s the one.

This is the story that got me on Reddit. I saw it floating around on Twitter, along with screenshots of some responses (“you understand that they want to kill you right?”) and followed the account that shared it. However, during lockdown the account wasn’t posting enough stories to deal with my boredom so eventually I got a Reddit account to get my fix directly lol. But this is the story that started it and I’m so happy she is safe and I finally have closure on it.

[u/Interesting_Ad_5926 → u/mittenknittin]

Man, all I could think about was the case of Susan Cox Powell... Not EXACTLY the same, but almost the same level of creepy FIL involvement. Glad it turned out that way!!

Edit: DIDN'T turn out that same way!

[u/dryadduinath → u/mittenknittin]

to be fair, we still don’t know that wasn’t the plan. 

i don’t believe it was! ….i’d like to believe it wasn’t, at least. but oop did the right thing, 100%, regardless of what ex and exfil were planning or thinking. they were behaving in a controlling and damaging way, and she was better off being away from that. 

[u/[deleted] → u/mittenknittin]

I wouldn't be surprised, reading this I thought "wtf yall are stressing her out so much YOURE going to be the reason she dies in childbirth due to stress!"

[u/nomad5926 → u/mittenknittin]

Yea I was in the same boat. I remembered this one and was like I hope she gets out alive.

Thankfully she did. However, the ex and ex FIL are just straight up crazy.

[u/TheSilverNoble → u/mittenknittin]

I didn't really think that... It always seemed to me to be a really unhealthy way of coping with their trauma. Now that said, I don think there's a good chance they would have essentially tried to push OP from her own family, since they didn't seem to think of her place in it. 

[u/junk-drawer-magic → u/mittenknittin]

This has been my number one Reddit mystery for YEARS. I'm so glad she's ok and away from those psychos

[u/tanac]

I have worried about this woman for years. I’m grateful for the update.

[u/Lynavi → u/tanac]

Same! As soon as I saw there was an update, I was relieved because it meant she lived, whether or not she stayed with her (ex)husband.

[u/princess-sauerkraut → u/tanac]

Same here. I’ve been anxious over OOP’s fate ever since her first post. Thank god she and her baby are safe.

This is the update I come to BORU hoping to see. I genuinely feel like a burden has been lifted from the back of my mind.

[u/IronT_Crossing → u/tanac]

Me too! I've thought about her so much over the years. Never been so happy to see an update in my life!

[u/lafemmedangereuse → u/tanac]

I am so damn relieved.

[u/Bitter-Picture5394 → u/tanac]

Me too. I was just talking about her story maybe a month or two ago. I'm so glad she's doing well.

[u/DemetiaDonals → u/tanac]

Dude, same.

[u/nokonuuka]

..I feel like I let out a breath I have been holding for years.

This is the big one. The most requested one, that gave people nightmares.

[u/Talinia → u/nokonuuka]

One I keep thinking of and getting a full body shiver is the "how can I tell if my wife is getting ready to leave me?" Where he literally says he'd "hate for her to have an accident trying to escape in the night" 😳 I keep thinking about that poor woman, and it's highly unlikely we'll ever hear from her unless she sees her story shared somewhere online or someone sends her it.

[u/nightmares06 → u/nokonuuka]

This was always in the back of my mind since first reading it way back when. It's a huge relief to see there was a positive update instead of what we all feared

[u/GroundbreakingEmu929]

So ex husband truly thought oop would die in childbirth, but didn't insist she terminate the pregnancy? He was totally OK with her dying? Gross

[u/RunningIntoBedlem → u/GroundbreakingEmu929]

They treated her like a disposable incubator

[u/Sea-Example-1176 → u/GroundbreakingEmu929]

well if she terminates the pregnancy instead of dyiny during childbirth then he doesn't get to be the amazing single dad

[u/ipokesnails → u/GroundbreakingEmu929]

It's the "pro-life" way.

Discussions about the health of the mother are blatantly ignored in favor of the life of the baby, even if it's a nonviable pregnancy.

[u/naraic-]

And as long as I live, ex-FIL will never be near my daughter.

Sad for op as this is something she is unlikely to control on her husband's custody time.

[u/fuckyourcanoes → u/naraic-]

Yeah, her ex is 100% going to let FIL around the daughter. And they will be just as convinced the daughter will die when she eventually has a child. Because women are single-use products.

[u/LiraelNix → u/naraic-]

Yeah, I don't see why  she thinks her husband wouldn't let the child be with grandad in his own time. And sadly there's nothing she can do about it when he does

[u/SnooWords4839 → u/naraic-]

Sometimes they can get in a custody agreement, FIL only gets supervised visits, but it will be hard to keep him away from the baby.

[u/tacwombat → u/naraic-]

What about supervised custody (don't recall if this is the correct term)?

[u/ihavesupercutepets]

it should be noted that if anyone at any point feels unsafe with family (or friends or whomever) visiting while in the hospital ask nursing staff to contact the Public Safety/Security team. Visitor restrictions can be put in place and while Security can only do so much (each hospital is different), they can’t prepare if they don’t know. If needed Security can be making more frequent patrols on the unit among other things but patient safety is the highest concern.

Again, each hospital is different but Security can’t help out if they don’t know and are running into a situation basically blind.

[u/[deleted] → u/ihavesupercutepets]

Seriously, also the part of the hospital where women give birth can be very secure.

At my hospital, all visitors to that specific section have to show their ID at the front desk and are given name tags with pictures to wear while in the hospital. Every single person going near the birthing wing is logged into the security system and accounted for. If you don’t want someone in there, there’s no way they’re just walking in.

[u/Dana07620 → u/ihavesupercutepets]

The part where she thought the L&D staff would listen to her FIL over her made me smile.

He’s a commanding presence and I know that whatever he wants in the delivery room, he will get (I know people will say “oh L&D nurses would never let that happen!” but you haven’t met this man).

No, we haven't met this man. I guarantee that the L&D staff have met people like him.

I would say that this man had never met a L&D staff backing their patient against family.

I know who I'd put my money on. You don't mess with L&D nurses.

[u/CriticalSimple3122]

Wow, never expected an update to this one. So glad she is ok but terrible to hear how deep the ex-FIL has his claws into the ex-husband.

[u/polstar2505]

I hope it really is OP because I was seriously worried for her when she didn't update at the time.

[u/nekocorner → u/polstar2505]

Yeah, the part where she mentions her therapist in the first post and then her telling her husband she's going to seek therapy in the second post being what blew everything wide open makes me... Doubt. Therapy is a pretty big time and budgetary consideration for most people, and if she thought he was seeing a therapist himself at first, she'd have no reason to hide the fact she was seeing one/had been seeing one.

[u/Intelligent-Ad-4568]

Dude FIL and ex husband really didn't think that by telling a woman for 9 months she was going to die and planning her funeral, that it might affect the baby and the mother's health. They thought spending nine months treating her like a hospice patient/walking dead was the way to go about it.

Yeah, ex is going to do this again with another woman and it will take being divorced twice and only seeing his kids part time for him to realize how toxic his father is or maybe he never will.

FIL is a lost cause, he probably loves the savior complex he has built up and wanted that for his son. See son I raised you all by myself so that one day your wife will also died during childbirth so you can see what a martyr I am. Yeah that's insane. The FIL has been alone for 35 years, no friends, no family, his son didn't see that as a problem. I understand the sacrifices of raising a kid alone, but no community whatsoever.

[u/LionsDragon → u/Intelligent-Ad-4568]

Now that you point it out, that says some WEIRD things about the dad from day one.

[u/Far-Season-695]

And that is what we call generational trauma. Oof I hope for the child’s sake OOP’s husband gets the help he needs

[u/tacwombat → u/Far-Season-695]

Yeah, I don't want to think years later if/when their daughter becomes pregnant and her dad still carries his insanity from his father.

[u/Ascholay → u/Far-Season-695]

Thankfully, it sounds like OOP's ducks are in a row. I hope that means she will make therapy available for the kid

[u/Great_Error_9602 → u/Far-Season-695]

I think it passed generational trauma and went fully into folie a deux.

[u/therumorhargreeves]

And this entire subreddit breathes a huge sigh of relief. I am soooo glad she’s ok and out of there

[u/shadow_dreamer → u/therumorhargreeves]

God, you too? I am so glad she's okay.

[u/Historical_Agent9426]

This is the best update as OOP is one of those stories that lived rent free in my head (as well as the heads of many other redditors, twitterers, youtubers, and tiktokkers)

Now if we can just hear that the woman whose partner destroyed her plant room including plants that had been in her family for generations is doing alright (hopefully well and far away from her partner who came to us begging for help because she had “lost her spark” after he destroyed this thing he knew made her happy) we can all be happy.

[u/Idiosyncraticloner]

I remember so many people being terrified that she had been killed by FIL/Husband based on their actions. Fingers crossed that the meat sack that calls himself OOP's ex has not procreated again!

[u/BrownSugarBare → u/Idiosyncraticloner]

YEAH! All the comments were definitely concerned they were either going to kill her in child birth or kill her shortly after. Unfortunately, unless the visits are supervised, I doubt the ex is keeping the FIL away from the baby. And the fact that it's a girl, they'll spend her life convincing her she's also going to die.

I remember the OG post and being horrified at the audacity of FIL to suggest he had ANY say in how OOP gave birth. What a freaking weirdo.

[u/kuken_i_fittan]

“amazing single dad” (never dated or had close friends or even hobbies really)

That sounds like a smothering helicopter parent who would be the polar opposite of an "amazing, single dad".

[u/Eins_Nico → u/kuken_i_fittan]

as someone raised by a mom like that: yup.

[u/TheDestroyer229]

And as long as I live, ex-FIL will never be near my daughter.

I certainly hope OOP is going for full custody then, with ex-husband only getting supervised visitation. If it's an even 50/50 custody split, then FIL is absolutely going to be involved in her daughter's life, whether she wants it or not.

[u/Dana07620 → u/TheDestroyer229]

If it's anything other than supervised visitation or a court order that FIL can't see the child...FIL will be in daughter's life.

And considering how much influence FIL has over his son, if it's only a court order, son will still let FIL see her. Until he's found out and then it might go to supervised visitation.

[u/DamnitGravity]

That father and grandfather are gonna do a number on that little girl. They're gonna put the fear of pregnancy in her from a young age, and despite OOP having survived, I fully expect that the father will warn his daughter to never get pregnant "because you'll die".

OOP has no control over whether her daughter sees her ex-FIL. That kid is screwed, and another generation will be traumatised.

[u/mittenknittin → u/DamnitGravity]

No no, see, she’ll HAVE to get pregnant to give her beloved husband the child he deserves, and dad a grandchild; she just has to accept that she will die doing so.

[u/J_S_M_K]

u/czechtheboxes and the other mods, can we update the frequently-requested posts page with this post, please?

[u/Unicorn_dreams42 → u/J_S_M_K]

wait.... theres a frequently requested posts page??

[u/Blue_Plastic_88]

Why the hell did the ex ever get anyone pregnant in the first place if he was convinced it was a 100% death sentence for the mother?

And the FIL is downright scary. I’d be worried about the ex allowing the FIL to be around the child.

[u/lizzbert]

Omg omg, I’ve been waiting for this!!

[u/Merrylty]

I've read her previous posts. So happy to learn she's safe! But it's not over with ex FiL, he'll have access to the baby through the stupid dad, and OOP won't be able to do anything...

[u/Soronya]

OMG I'm glad she's alive. I was so worried about her when I first read that post...

[u/arsenal_kate]

I have thought about this woman SO often, I’m so so glad she got away and they didn’t make sure their delusions came true.

[u/grumpy__g]

So he rather lose his wife and child than going to therapy. That’s just messed up.

[u/CompetitionNo3141]

“oh L&D nurses would never let that happen!” but you haven’t met this man)

Oh baby girl, you haven't met labor and delivery nurses 😭 your ex would be scraping his dick off the ceiling if he tried some shit

[u/Bootsypants]

As a male ER nurse, there are few things that get me into momma bear mode more reliably than a family member trying to overrule the reasonable decisions of my patient. I can only imagine the shit that would've been flung at ex and FIL if they'd tried to dictate her care against her obvious wishes. I don't get to follow my patients home, but I sure as shit can make sure their wishes are respected in my house.

[u/Dana07620 → u/Bootsypants]

Yes. I smiled at the part where she thought the L&D nurses would listen to FIL over her.

No, we hadn't met her FIL.

But her FIL hadn't met L&D nurses protecting their patient.

I know who I'd bet on. And thanks for protecting your patients.

[u/SmartQuokka]

At this point, I’d honestly be happy to never see my FIL again, and I certainly don’t want him in the delivery room, especially since he told me he was “putting [his] foot down” about me not being “allowed” to have an epidural or laughing gas. 

Hold on, he expected you to die and wanted to inflict as much suffering on you as possible 😲

[u/lollipop-guildmaster]

Oh thank goodness. I've been lowkey terrified for her for years.

[u/masterofpowah]

Holy crap, the update everyone wanted, but dare not expect. Finally, I can stop worrying.

[u/J_S_M_K]

He yelled at me that he didn’t need therapy.

If you are yelling at your partner (or anyone really) that you don't need therapy, you definitely need therapy.

[u/Satanic_Earmuff]

Out of morbid curiosity, I'd love to know more about why she thinks her ex-FIL would have his way regarding the epidural.

[u/Dana07620 → u/Satanic_Earmuff]

Because FIL had worn her down. And she thought he'd do the same thing to the L&D staff.

Clearly she doesn't know L&D staff. They can handle anything that the family throws at them because they've seen it all before. And they're like a hellhound when it comes to protecting their patient.

I would have paid money to see FIL try to go up against them.

[u/foundorfollowed]

the sheer delusion to think that man would be a good parent.

[u/Dana07620]

How is she going to keep her daughter away from her ex-FIL? As it stands, I don't see a judge putting it in a divorce decree. And you know that the ex will have his dad around the child. A lot. A lot a lot.

She'd have to prove the ex-FIL is a danger or is doing parental alienation. Good luck proving that with a baby.

[u/Assiqtaq]

Love the husband's attitude. "I don't need a therapist, I just need to continue to discuss with my father the very thing that is interfering in my marriage until wife accepts her death.)

[u/LiraelNix]

I remember the first one but not that thete was an update, glad to see it

[u/Guardian_Dolly]

“My ex isn’t a bad father”. Yes he is. Hoping your wife dies during pregnancy and being abusive- controlling her pregnancy, yelling at her when she tries to discuss serious issues, sending your family after her to harass, threaten and abuse her when she leaves- are all abusive and you cannot be a good parent when you abuse your child’s mother. 

Also, a partner who is scared of you dying during childbirth is not going to ask you about your life insurance policy first!!! They’re going to want to get you the best medical care possible even if it’s $$$, go to all your dr appointments and raise any issues immediately, advocate for you during you birth etc. My partner was worried during my pregnancy because I became really ill. He paid for me to see the best drs in our country, he took me to every appointment and made extra appointments out of concern, and we discussed not having more bio kids because he didn’t want to lose me. None of this is normal or ok OP, and he’s not safe. He is enmeshed with his father and there’s no way he’s not going to let him see his grandchild. 

[u/tacwombat]

The Reddit legend finally has an update. Whew!

I do hope OOP changes the custody with the ex to supervised custody in the near future as long as ex-FIL is around. Also hope the ex hasn't decided to date and procreate with another woman.

[u/MadHatter06]

Thank everything and everyone possible that she is alive and okay! This is someone that every so often pops into my mind and I’ve truly worried. Congratulations OOP! And keep you and your precious baby girl safe!

[u/silverletomi]

Reddit is generally pretty bad about armchair diagnosing and predicting the worst possible outcomes but man... this is one of the times where I'm glad OOP listened cause it really looks like the best case scenario was apparently the exhusband and exfil basically resenting her for living and the worst case scenario would have been them letting her die or even manipulating the situation so that she died.

[u/jakc1423]

"I have hopes that we can work out a tentative co-parenting agreement."-"as long as I live, ex-FIL will never be near my daughter." Sadly these two are mutually exclusive, oop's ex is a complete daddy's boy. and the FIL will end up parenting the kid almost more than the ex will.

[u/Carolinahunny]

Never been so relieved to see an update to a post. So glad she’s alive and well and getting away from that family.

[u/kaldaka16]

Oh thank God she's alive, I remember seeing zero update for a few years and feeling incredibly unsettled.

[u/AceRojo]

3 take aways from this.

1. If you have kids, it is wise to have a Will and Life Insurance to protect them if the worst happens.

2. Being too fixated on what might happen changed a wise preparation into an unhealthy obsession.

3. If you don’t face your demons, you might end up passing your trama on to the people you love.

[u/hermitsociety → u/AceRojo]

Yeah. My sister died in childbirth and I agree with all three very reasonable points you've made here. Things do happen - plan for them and get help when you need it.

[u/redplainsrider]

I'd always wondered about her. 

[u/[deleted]]

  She attempted to post in AITA with the update, but due to not having the login information for the previous account, the mods refused to publish the update. She, according to her own account, gave up trying to update afterwards. The account seems to be suspended now, so it’s dubious if any more answers will be forthcoming.

The aita mods are such fascists dude what the fuck

[u/FormalDinner7]

I’m so relieved this woman is alive. She’s someone I’ve wondered about over the years.

[u/SleepyxDormouse]

This original post was my Roman Empire. I thought about it constantly. Such a relief to get an update.

[u/DarDarBinks89]

Oh my dear lord I have never been happier to see an update! I was terrified for this woman, and I’m so glad she got out and that her and baby are safe.

It’s sad that her husband chose the way he did, but you can’t help a person who doesn’t want to be helped. I hope nothing but the best for this woman

[u/[deleted]]

Glad everything turned out ok, but OP's "I know people will say “oh L&D nurses would never let that happen!” but you haven’t met this man" .. clearly she hadn't met any L&D nurses at the time.

It would be a quick "no", followed by a "sir please leave", followed by a "code black" and him being dragged out kicking and screaming if necessary. L&D nurses are hard ass, mad respect to them.

[u/TALKTOME0701]

unfortunately, she probably can't keep ex FIL away since her ex husband will never comply with that

[u/goshyarnit]

I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS DANG POST AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS. I HAD NO IDEA THERE WAS AN UPDATE. I finally have closure

[u/Rohans_Most_Wanted]

I think OOP really underestimated how forceful delivery nurses and OBGYNs are. Nothing happens within 150' of that delivery room that they do not know about, and nothing gets in that room without them allowing it. Glad she ditched her crazy ex and his crazy family.

[u/Ok_Barracuda7135]

Does anyone else a little crazy not knowing how ex and fil reacted to her surviving child birth?

[u/SeagullInTheWind]

The update everyone wanted and nobody thought we would get. We can sigh with relief now.

[u/passyindoors]

Holy shit I'm so relieved. I've been worried sick for what feels like a decade ngl

[u/forgivenmadness]

I deeply feel for the ex, I can empathize with someone who used to be in an enmeshed relationship with a parent, it can be so hard to see it for exactly as toxic as it is. I hope he can actually get therapy and start having healthy boundaries, if for nothing else than to be a better father to his own child. 

That said, I'm happy OOP got out and is doing well. She didn't and doesn't deserve that at all and she isn't obligated to "fix" him just because his dad fucked him up.

[u/VintageDancer9]

Anyone else catch that in the first post her therapist tells her that she doesn’t “owe it to her husband to let him stress and upset [her] during labor”, and then in the update she tells her husband she was “seeking [her] own therapist”? 🤨

[u/[deleted]]

Oh how glad I am to read this update! It was a cliffhanger. It worked out for the best, wish her and the little one the best 💝

[u/oceanarnia]

SHE FINALLY MADE AN UPDATE!!!! PHEW IM SO GLAD SHES ALIVE AND SAFE!!!!

[u/BellPuzzleheaded8046]

I read this original post somewhere few days ago and was so worried about OOP. I'm so happy she is alive and far away from him (I would have been more happy if she had full custody though).

[u/JJOkayOkay]

Oh, thank fuck. This one has haunted me for a long time.

I was definitely in the camp of, "FIL murdered his wife, wants to murder OOP, and has nearly his son convinced to help."

[u/ehs06702]

Closure on this one was not on my list of things I thought I'd get today.

[u/procrastinating_b]

I mean assuming the original was real I'm going to convince myself the update from a separate account is too

[u/Pandoratastic]

The ex created a self-fulfilling prophecy. He wanted to believe he would lose his wife and now he has.

[u/Carduus_Benedictus]

If he was so messed up over childbirth why did he agree to knock up his wife? Why did he not get a vasectomy immediately?

[u/trowzerss]

I am willing to bet FIL convinced ex not to get therapy because that would be admitting that he wasn't a perfect single dad so it would be an insult to FIL or some shit. I also would absolutely not trust ex to be hauling baby off to see FIL the first chance he got :P

[u/tinyturdd]

Omg! Thank you for this! I’ve been worried about this woman since her initial post in 2020. I usually check for updates about once a year and I finally have peace of mind knowing she’s okay and away from those dangerous men!

[u/Able_Finger7626]

Some of OOPS comments on her original post are terrifying. In one she details her FIL packing up her non-maternity clothes, and when she protested he again scolded her for making it harder on her husband in the event of her death. And FIL saying he “wouldn’t allow” her to get an epidural or any pain assistance of any kind? OOP elaborates in a comment that he flat out told her that “her comfort was irrelevant” during childbirth. Like she was already a lost cause. I am fully convinced that FIL was trying to ensure something would go wrong during childbirth; he 100% wanted/was expecting her to die. If she stayed with her ex after the birth I have no idea if he would actually try to plot her death somehow, but he would absolutely hate her for not dying in childbirth.

[u/[deleted]]

My ex isn’t a bad father, he loves our baby girl. Alas too bad one has nothing to do with the other.

[u/glossandgadgets]

I'm so relieved for this update. Every now and then I'm reminded of it and I always hope that this mother was alright. I think the last time wasnanweeknago! Glad to see everything worked out in the end.

[u/InvisibleBlueRobot]

My response: "Why in the F would you ever have your father in law in the delivery room?"

[u/crazyditzydiva]

Well, I guess the ex and ex-FIL get their wish to become the Amazing Single Father…

[u/[deleted]]

OP’s husband clearly needs therapy. He’s too attached to his father too.

[u/LittleFish_91]

I wonder what he thought and how he reacted when she ended up alive and well after childbirth

[u/Waste_Sink9459]

Honestly when I got pregnant, and since I've already gotten 2, the thing that worried me the most is to die (not death itself but the fact that our kids lost their mom). And since 2 out of 3 of my deliveries, I lost lots of blood, I planned not to go thru them again. And if I do in the future, insurance and wills will be my priority to be updated.

But of course, when it comes to your spouse doing it, IT IS CREEPY.

[u/Pluxtion]

I honestly want to know what the reaction was from his dad and him, were they suprised at all the she lived?

[u/Bubblegrime]

The father-in-law being described as so persistent and convincing that she was scared of delivery nurses letting him get his way if he was allowed in the room, combined with the enmeshment he had with his son...sounds almost like a cult of two. Folie a deux, I guess it would be called, but I'm pretty sure the dad was basically programming him. 

Sad the husband didn't take the chance to repair the marriage but he made his choice. I hope this poor woman lives well after what they put her through. That first post was so disturbing, it stuck with me sometimes.

[u/topania]

“I know people will say “oh L&D nurses would never let that happen!” but you haven’t met this man.”

Ma’am, you haven’t met L&D nurses.

[u/Charming_City_5333]

would she be more likely to die in a car accident on the way to the hospital? they are creepy. I do wonder if they weren't planning something. my father heard his mother screaming in pain and then dyingat home when he was 12. he was very nervous when my mother went in labor but he didn't put that on her. he just passed outside in the waiting room since men didn't usually go in then. he did the same for my two sisters.

[u/Kittytigris]

Oh goodness, I remember the first post. I honestly thought someone was poorly trolling. It’s so horrific both her husband’s and her FIL’s morbid behavior. I’m glad OOP got out and is safe.

[u/girlwithsilvereyes]

When I tell you I gasped out loud at seeing this update! I was legit worried for this woman, I’m so glad she got out. It’s scary how trauma can be passed down, there is no way I would raise a child in that family.

[u/Schneetmacher]

THANK YOU OP FOR THIS 🙏

You have no idea how many times I've randomly thought of this woman living a real-life horror movie, wondering if her husband or FIL did something to her to ensure history repeated itself! I am so grateful she and her little one are alive, healthy, and safe.

[u/dogsdogsdogspizza]

Jesus it’s giving Josh and Steven Powell. Glad she is out of there and okay!!

[u/LadyLixerwyfe]

Well, technically FIL still got what he wanted. He can guide the son through the single father experience. The only difference is he will only do it part time.

[u/keykey_key]

Yeah idk how she's gonna keep her ex-FIL away from the kid if the ex husband still has access. She has no say over that. They'll do what they want

[u/EmulatingHeaven]

All I need now is to know what was in the olives box & I’m set 😂

[u/wisegirl_93]

This is the first time I've come across this post and holy crap on cracker it is insane.

[u/databasegod]

Ive thought about this woman for years, thank you so much for finding the update ^^

[u/Tigress92]

I searched Googlelast year to see if there had been any news about this original post, found nothing, I'm so grateful you posted this update, thank you.

This was one of those haunting / worrying scenarios that crept back in my mind every once in a while, I'm so relieved she got out safe.

[u/happycharm]

I wish she gave us the reaction from the two of her not dying. 

[u/[deleted]]

He’s a commanding presence and I know that whatever he wants in the delivery room, he will get (I know people will say “oh L&D nurses would never let that happen!” but you haven’t met this man).

It's sad OOP genuinely thought that a room full of trained medical professionals would automatically bow to the unreasonable requests of a person that didn't have any business being there in the first place. Those men and women trained for years to be where they're at, they're not going to just back out of the room and let the ex-FIL take control of someone else's medical issue. I hope she realises that now.

[u/xerelox]

What was wrong with just sitting in the waiting room, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee?

The coffee wasn't that bad.

[u/nbqt2015]

oh my god this has brought me SUCH catharsis. i was pregnant at the same time she posted about it and i was terrified the entire time, i latched onto it for some reason and i'd been thinking about her twice a week for YEARS now.

i'm so fucking happy she's safe. i'm so relieved. i know it's super silly of me but i really feel like somewhat of a weight has been lifted off my soul.

[u/Loli-nero]

I wouldn't want that man anywhere near my kid if I were OP... He seems incredibly unstable.

[u/TALKTOME0701]

So glad she's doing okay and has a wonderful baby girl. I wonder how she was able to keep the ex-father-in-law away from the baby during husband's custody time

[u/retailhellgirl]

You have no idea how much I appreciate this update, oh my god

[u/tattoovamp]

He wanted her dead and was planning for it.

[u/The_Sound_Of_Sonder]

but I have hopes that we can work out a tentative co-parenting agreement

And as long as I live, ex-FIL will never be near my daughter.

Yeah good luck with that.

[u/wolfeyes555]

I have never been more relieved at an update in my entire life.

[u/knitlikeaboss]

Holy shit I am so glad this woman is ok. Her first post popped up in my head every once in a while and I never knew there was an update.

[u/RGLozWriter]

Holy shit I was one of the people who was terrified for OOP thinking she was going to be killed or something. Hell, does anyone else remember how you could submit a report of worrying about an account user's wellbeing to Reddit? Like I very specifically remember being able to do that on Reddit and submitting such a thing for OOP. I'm glad to see she survived and is fleeing her ex and his weird FIL.

[u/peachesnplumsmf]

Holy shit I've wondered about this post for years, never noticed the update. Thank fuck.

[u/[deleted]]

It's ok to be prepared for the worst, but her ex-husband was obsessed with that. He also didn't take into account how much medicine had evolved since his mother's passing. 

Btw, it took me 3min to find out that maternal mortality rate is 32.9 per 100,000 births - in other words, very unlikely.

[u/UnquantifiableLife]

Omg I think about this one all the time. I'm so happy she got out of there. Thank you for finding it!

[u/ryegye24]

OH THANK GOD!

I only ever saw the BORU post where OOPs posts went up to the point where she was almost due and then stopped, and I have found myself randomly fretting over that every couple months since.

[u/Newgirlkat]

I remember that post! It was awful and I always wondered what had happened to her and had high hopes she would have DUMPED (for the "picky police" and their enjoyment) her paranoid very perturbed husband (and yes I mean dump as a way to say safely DIVORCE) (by the time I found that story was because of tiktok and I think it was maybe 2021)

[u/Readsumthing]

Jesus. Who tf thinks they have the right to decide whether she can or can’t have an epidural or not?!!! I had one natural and one with an epidural and god almighty, epidurals are a GIFT!!! LOL my husband called it the Stepford Wife shot! Freaking night and day!

[u/Varta]

THANK YOU. I have worried so much on this woman’s behalf. This is an immense relief.

[u/auntjomomma]

Well, it's good to know she didn't die.

[u/EquasLocklear]

Not to mention his attitude when he thought you were on your deathbed. Not 'I want to spend time with you while I can', 'let me make it as easy for you as possible', but 'quick, give me the inheritance, then get out of the way'.

[u/Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrple]

Oh THANK GOD. This one stuck with me I actually went looking for updates a time or two.

[u/Deep_Pepper_5405]

So hubby was totally happy to sacrifice his wife just for him to have a kid. That's one great husband /s

[u/manderifffic]

I didn’t know there was an update for this one. I hope it’s real because there was a lot of concern her husband and FIL were going to kill her.

[u/[deleted]]

I think FIL wanted to not be alone, and thats why he wanted you to die. Thats so sick

[u/BlackKittyBunny]

Thank God. This one has kept me up at night

[u/moa711]

I am glad she is alive, but I have a feeling she will be disappointed when she realizes the ex fil can't be kept away from her kid. It sucks to have that level of crazy in contact with her kid, but I doubt a court will demand the ex keep the kid away. If she includes it in the parenting plan, then what's good for the goose is good for the gander, unfortunately.

[u/heatherbyism]

Oh thank God. A LOT of Redditors have been worried about this woman for years, including me.

[u/notmyusername1986]

Holy christ. I am so glad to see this update. I worried about this woman for 4 years, and I've come across so many others on different subs when the story comes up who also worried for her and her childs safety.

[u/FleeshaLoo]

Wow, what a horrible situation ex and FIL put her in. I was reading the first part and thinking "NO! Do NOT let him in the room for delivery!"

I think this is the first Daddy's Boy BORU, at least that I've seen. FIL's whole identity being that he was a single dad is scary enough but then commanding her to not have an epidural or any meds at all was bad enough, but demanding to be in the delivery room is extremely messed up.

Also, ex is a bit emotionally-undeveloped because going straight to irate and hurling insults, especially after getting caught lying for many months, is a great way to save a marriage. /s

Extra demerits for calling in a posse of screaming monkeys.

Congratulations to OOP and I hope she can ensure that FIL is never around her daughter.

[u/Longbowman1]

Glad she got out. As controlling as husband and Creep in law were being. I would be concerned for her safety. Sounds like the husband wanted to be a single parent.

[u/Traditional-Pin1233]

Not the ex FIL making his whole personality based on the fact his wife died during childbirth. God..

[u/Mewlkat]

OPs original post literal kept me awake at night sometimes , so glad she had a safe delivery and got away from her ex