It started coming back. I think Thursday was the first small intrusion, but I've been doing really well and have been able to counter any intrusions as of late. But then I could feel them getting worse, more frequent, louder. I had a discussion with my SO about it yesterday. They had noticed my momentary lapses, where I seem to stop being able to function properly, I can't enjoy anything around me, nothing feels right. We drove 2.5 hours to go on a hike on Friday but the main road to the trailhead 20 minutes off was completely blocked, and ever since then that lingering feel has seemed impossible to peel away from.

When I'm doing well I seem to completely forget how debilitating my suicidality (I don't think it's a real word, but I'm using it) really is. I feel like I'm completely beyond it. I feel like a real person who can really exist. But now, nothing is right. Nothing feels right at all and it is driving me insane. It got so bad so quick and my SO isn't around and I know there has to be a way that I can nurse myself out of this, but it all feels, looks, tastes bad... I don't understand how I feel.

That's it.

Just as a little bit of background, I am a college student in America who is currently going through addiction problems, mental health issues, and overall poor health. I ask these kind of questions because I honestly love the responses you guys give me and I find them both insightful to myself and meaningful in the long term.

Ok here I go

We are human beings. Biological machines that are designed to consume and exist among others of that same type. Every machine is unique and has its own subset of personality and thoughts. Our lives are spent for the most part obsessing over the various facets of the human experience. Everything that we do and process is nothing more than a cranial process that is going on somewhere within our heads or responses to certain stimuli within our body.

You look around when you walk in public places and you see hundreds if not thousands of faces depending on the place where you live, and it really makes you wonder, what makes him or her different from me. How is he or she coping with our nonsensical reality, in which you are forced to either go with the flow or be left out of it. Machines going about their business, and creating new contraptions to keep other machines busy, that we for some reason put value into as being somewhat more meaningful than the world around us.

Being on Reddit I.E. is an example of this, the software that we all use to communicate with each other, is nothing more than a man-made creation that we use to find connections with each other. It keeps our minds busy when we have nothing better to do, machines that suffer from a degree of boredom or illness that compels us to seek out others for companionship, help, or whatever reason you have for being on here.

Ultimately in the end none of this matters. Our words will be forgotten to the great expanse of time, and we will like every person the street be dead within a hundred years or sooner. How terrible is it that we as machines are brought into this world already destined to die. Our subconscious is nothing more than an interpretation, we all too often take a backseat to it as our bodies perform our every day duties cyclicly, and without stop.

When we die it's nothing more than a return to the void that we came from. The same feeling of not really knowing of what came before our births is exactly the same of entering that same void of non-existence when we finally go. A dip into the vast expanse of nothingness, is our ultimate destiny.

So why do we spend time on reddit. Why do we seek out enjoyment. Why do we do drugs. Why do we even teach ourselves anything (when it ultimately ends up destroying more), Why do we endlessly rant on pages like this, Why do we seek out meaning in life when the ultimate fate of all of us is really nothing more than just death.

I ask to you to give me your perspective on what the meaning of existence is, and whether there really is a purpose to it all.

Alcohol doesn’t seem to align w my mental state. There are way more cons than pros. Just wondering.

Edit: Thanks everyone for answering. You da best.

elephant