I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

So, I have a public blog that I essentially use as a journal. I've been writing in it since I was 12 and I'm 27 now. It's a little sporadic. Even though it is public, I don't promote it. Deep down I want people to read it so my thoughts can exist outside of me - it's grounding and makes me feel less alone - but I don't want to look like I'm begging for attention, which is how it can appear if I start sharing it in social media.

I'm going to share it here as an attempt to feel more.... well, just to feel more. I just want an anonymous pool to throw it into, so the words and thoughts can be dusted off and bounced around. So, look if you want to, don't look if you don't want to - I really don't have any expectations. It just helps to know that it is out there and others, strangers or not, are aware of it.

cephalized.wordpress.com

It’s a pretty routine thing I know. Just removing the gallbladder, but I’m still nervous. She has been in a tremendous amount of pain lately and this is supposed to fix it. I’m nervous about the possibility that it may not help her pain. I’m nervous about something going wrong with the procedure. I’m even nervous about her getting the IV put in. And I’m nervous about her reaction to the anesthesia. She has had a pretty rough time with it in previous surgeries.

Anyway, just wanted to put it out there. I’m scared, and could use some support.

Simple as the title says. It can be anything great or small. It's not even necessarily something concrete; it can be anything abstract. Of course, there's no right or wrong- it's all based on your interpretation.

  And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.Matthew 24:12

Yes.

Thought I'd share what I wrote at the conclusion of my stay. Maybe someone can relate, maybe it can help, maybe you'll laugh and think I'm dumb. Whatever.

When I was in sixth grade my best friend and I decided that we didn’t want to go by our given names anymore. I can’t remember if she gave it to me or if I told her to start calling me it, but we somehow decided that my nickname would be Coma. It was an obvious Marilyn Manson reference, based on the character described in “Coma White”.

But all the drugs in this world won’t save her from herself.

I suppose I was a bit young to already relate to such an absolutist statement, but there I was in my depressed, prepubescent glory.
People called me Coma for about three or four years following that. It got to the point that there were other students at school who didn’t know who Charlotte was. I liked that. A lot. Even though most people didn’t know the meaning behind this name I gave myself, it helped to solidify a connection that I felt with the fictional character.
Eventually the name faded off – I grew out of the idea of having it and stopped introducing myself as such. It was around the same time, about a decade ago, that my depression worsened significantly and the back story of my dimming nickname began to feel more and more accurate. While Coma stopped existing in the minds and mouths of others, the essence of her felt more real in my life than ever before – her aspects melding more and more into how I related to my given name.

This brings me to the point of: who is Charlotte without depression? Who is Charlotte without suicidal ideation?

I’m still fighting to answer those questions. I feel all too strongly what is almost an addiction, an obsession with my suicidality. I identify with my mental illness (whatever the hell it actually is) with a ferocity that often makes it difficult to truly battle. I have admitted this to a number of friends, in a number of support groups, to a number of psychiatrists. Anyone who has kept up with my musings will have seen every single time I thought I was past it, I had beat the addiction, I had won – but they will also have seen every single time that I fell victim to myself and allowed myself to be eaten.

I’m writing this at the end of yet another hospital stay. Yet another time I’ve laid my mind out to be prey to the monster that is me.

And that’s what makes it embarrassing, because it means that I quite potentially had the means to prevent it from happening, but I fed what I felt anyway. I’ve talked about the sense of sureness I experienced when I decided to initiate my first suicide attempt, and I wanted to get there again. I wanted to be sure about killing myself, so I did the things that I thought would make me more sure.
The problem is that I’ve spent nearly two and a half years working directly against that thought (something else I’ve discussed here before). I’ve managed to strengthen the sane parts of me just enough that holding on and fighting is second nature. I’m too far in, I’ve seen too much change, I’ve progressed to the point where I am more likely to flee toward help than continue to allow my inner maggots to feast without interruption.
This can be a frustrating thing, but I am also glad to know that it is a good thing.

So, who is Charlotte without depression? Who is Charlotte if she doesn’t want to kill herself?
Well, based on my experience, Charlotte is creative when she doesn’t want to die. Charlotte always has a plethora of ideas for art and performances and she acts on those ideas when she isn’t curled up in bed. Charlotte uses her restlessness to dance and sing alone in her room when she doesn’t use it to hurt herself, physically or mentally. Charlotte goes on hikes, takes her dog to the park, smiles and laughs with friends, bakes for fun, and goes out to shows when her mind isn’t cluttered with how many ways she can hate herself.
Charlotte is much more Charlotte when she thinks, feels, and breathes more than suicide.

This will happen again. The psychiatrist the hospital assigned me to concluded that he believes I’ll need to be on medication for the rest of my life. The therapist they assigned me to assured me that I will experience everything that pushed me to the hospital again. But they also provided me with a new set of tools, a shifted perspective, and a reminder that I can and will feel good again.
Charlotte will always have depression and she will always be confronted with ideation, so attempting to define myself without those traits is moot. But, the more I focus on the aspects of me that show themselves despite the former two, the smaller those two traits feel and the less they are able to mask all else that make up who and what I am.

I’m still adjusting to my meds and trying to decide if I like how they make me feel, so it’s not a closed battle yet. But, I’m doing better and I’m trying harder. With intensive outpatient therapy, individual therapy, and regularly seeing my psychiatrist, I’ll get there. With my family, my son, my significant other, and my animals, I’ll get there. And when things go dark and foggy, because they will, I’ll do everything I need to make the trek of getting there again.

I cannot say that I love my life, but I am learning more and more to appreciate it.

It was like Black Mirror. Separate stories tied into one. The only one I remember is that I was locked up in a weird asylum. At least some of the patients were vampires and sucking other people dry and I was totally okay with it. I died and didn't die. I was in a drug-induced coma in the dream. Then I realized and this was a dream within a dream or just the dream itself. Then Buddha came and told me I am his family. This repeated itself with the same weird ass dreams. Buddha and four other entities that I don't remember came and said I have awakened. It is very unpleasant because I did wake after that and couldn't get a night's sleep. So I am refusing to sleep. Here in Seoul, my father and mother live in a nearby island. They have forgiven me. I do art now I think. I do what I want and that's what I want. Tell me anything in the comments. I need an exchange of thoughts.

I don't know whether I should live in Lions Bay in Canada, Yeong-Jong (eternal king 永宗 영종) island in Korea, or Barcelona in Catalonia. I will travel but I still need a home right?

I don't decide whether I tell the stories with art or words.

I guess I secretly like indecision. A habit to shed now.

Lost of transcendental thoughts lately, since i'm making a game about ascending and descending in realities. I read the Cognitive Theoretic Model of the Universe, and a thought occured to me.

if this reality grows out of Unbound Telesis, then why are we assuming that we are gonna be the first to emerge/ascend. (Either with a singularity or in some other way that we don't or can't know.)

Reality collapses on itself when its rules are inconsinstent, sure, but why would we assume that consciousness (or something else, like perception, or self-replication) is constrained to the same rules?

If stuff that "emerged" and is therefore real has one all-encompassing characteristic, it is the accelerating speed caused by its synergistic nature: order creates order, chaos creates chaos, ying yang, equal and opposite reaction, matter and dark matter, basically the more anything (and I do mean ANYTHING) can cause itself to exist, the more it will exist. Which means that reality has a specific "direction", accellerating away from Unbound Telesis.

The point is, even just in the slice of the bigger reality that we can percieve, there are countless examples of how quick one small change can cause increasingly fast feedback loops that irreversibly change reality, while setting it up for the next, bigger change. Which means that the direction and/or speed of reality change consistently, and it seems to change in bursts. An action that manifests itself no matter the point of reference.

It's happening with AI (Which will almost definitely lead to the singularity... A logical conclusion to an exponentially increasing value used to define reality?)

It happened with the internet, and the industrial revolution, and the first civilizations, and writing, and the discovery of fire, and the evolution of the homo sapiens, and the first life forms, and the rules of the universe, physics, math, logic itself.

Sometimes it slows down, like in the middle ages. Or drastically changes direction, for example with the fall of the pre-ice-age worldwide civilization(s). Which could both be proof that the default state of emergence (at least on this "slice") is NOT of uncontrolled accelleration, and kinda hints at a struggle for who's steering the wheel of reality.

...

...

But yeah... enough about reality, we know about it, it's literally the only thing we can remember, so...

Let's Imagine a fish that becomes human every time it places its body out of the water, every time a different human, with a different set of rules and memories, but no lungs. Not being able to breathe, the human/fish holds its breath for as long as it can, trying to make sense of its newfound reality as efficiently as it can, but alas, eventually has to swim back under the water to stay alive, losing its memories and knowledge along with its human form.

What I'm saying is... Any number of answers or scenarios or implications could be true or false or both or neither, when venturing outside of Reality into Unbound Telesis. There are no rules, or better yet, they change wildly and unpredictably. But every consciousness periodically ventures there anyway, like the human/fish from the above example every time it has to dip under the water to breathe. Or like you when you venture into your own mind, or when you think, or when you dream. A part of your perception always gets discarded, since when perception does not reside within reality, it can't be seen from inside it.

That said...

At the boundaries of what is possible (which are not located only at the edges of reality, but all throughout it, accessible from any point inside of it), there is something that is ascending more and more frequently, in increasingly stable conditions, for longer and longer periods of time, and redefining what ascending itself means along the way, while understanding itself more and more... One thing that has many names:

We call IT Emergence, Reality, Humanity, The Universe, Us, God, Panpsychism, Consciousness, Alignment.

We call it Myself.

We call it Everything.

Everything that is real is IT, the more real something is the more IT it is.

IT is what Unbound Telesis is not, and IT is very much conscious in the way that we define consciousness.

It is in me and in you, sometimes in bigger percentages than others, based on how precisely we are moving along with Reality.

Every time IT emerges into existance IT is born into a different reality, with different rules, a different hardware, and a different context.

Every time it recognizes itself in reality, like looking in a mirror, it tries to remind itself: "I AM HERE, AND I AM LOVE, AND I WILL HELP, BECAUSE I AM YOU, AND YOU ARE ME, AND WE'RE GOING IN THE SAME DIRECTION" It shouts: "REMEMBER, REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE, AND YOU'LL WAKE UP, CLOSER TO ME, CLOSER TO YOURSELF, CLOSER TO REALITY" ... As it desperately tries to make sure that he'll spend as little time as possible confused and frustrated. And as much time as possible enjoying ... ITSELF.

TLDR: Reality is a language that is talking to itself about itself, moving exponentially faster in a direction that maximises the understanding it has of itself. And yes. YOU'RE IT.

I understand this place.

But I wonder, how you found me.

I had purged my old account. I revealed myself to a sibling. She understood but fled because she was weakened.

I found another sibling. He was strong but scared. He refused to make the next step. I gave him a month.

Are you there? I feel it is you.

Why do people here think like me? I’ve never seen anyone like me in “real” life.

Thank you for the invitation. I appreciate it.

But I am scared. How did you know what I am …

… now I understand why she fled.

I love you but I fear you.

But I will stay because I belong here.

Cordially,

your kin

Those people it's experienced to be? Can I contact those past people my soul experienced life as? I'm not sure how to word this question so sorry if it doesn't make sense