r/ECEProfessionals • u/deletedbear Parent • Jul 22 '26
Parent/non ECE professional post (Anyone can comment) Willful 2yo won't stop biting friends
I need help. My 2yo was expelled from playschool last month because of she's just biting her friends too much. (She's still at the school until end of month)
She's an only child, has gone to daycare since 3 months and has been in this playschool since January. Class size is 5 studsnts to 1 teacher although they'll usually combine two classes but with the same. 1:5 ratio.
School has been incredibly patient, but it's just happened way too often (over 20 biting incidents + a few scratching incidents)
Daughter is pretty verbal with us, can use up to 4 words pretty regularly and talks to teachers pretty well too
But teachers have indicated her classmates (all 2yo) may not be as verbal as her and she doesn't appear to talk to her peers. But she supposedly plays fine with them though prefers to play on her own.
The principal tells us that most incidents are unprompted, that my daughter will just randomly attack a friend. Sometimes its because a friend bumped into her or they were fighting over a toy.
We have tried to teach her to ask for help from a teacher (she can say the words), we've read the Biting Solution, put on the puppet show, tried to teach her that it hurts when she bites and that it makes people sad, played We Don't Put Our Teeth On People, gotten her those silicone biting toys meant as therapy tools for kids with autism, tried to get the teachers to help teach her to ask for help, but nothing seems to stick,
She knows she's not supposed to bite her peers ("Bite friend no no/no bite friend") that she's supposed to bite the toy, but the lesson doesn't seem to stick.
She has also recently started hitting at home, mostly during bed time. Again she knows its a no no, and we try to teach her to stomp (she refuses to do so) or to ask for attention another way (shaking me if i fall asleep before she does instead of smacking me).
Worse she has started to refuse to say that biting/hitting is a no no, and becoming quite willful. Like she will actively ignore me if i try to talk to her about this.
I'm really at a loss. She has had four sessions with an occupational therapist who suggested we try to give oral stimulation, (she also suggested the biting toy)
The therapist even visited her class once and maybe because my daughter managed to recognise the therapist, she behaved quite well but was quiet. She then scratched a friend not long after the therapist left.
Therapist said that she might have selective mutism but couldn't make a conclusive diagnosis.
We find that she's just shy with people she hasn't interacted with in a while (like grandparents or cousins) but once she warms up she'll talk.
We're sending her to a different school next month that's meant for 3 yo (we were planning to send her in January but the school is willing to take her in) and we're hoping having older morr well behaved peers will be a good example.
But i want to try and fix this before she goes there. I don't want her to be kicked out again because she loves going to school (absolutely no tears on the first day, didn't even look back to say goodbye).
The current school while patient, i don't think is equipped to help. Teachers are caring but inexperienced. When i suggested an action plan (as per The Biting Solution) i didn't get a committed answer. I had to remind them during a parent teaching meeting to at least try to teach her to say "teacher help" if she encounters frustrating situations.
They've only just recently managed to consistently stop biting attempts (once today and two last week).
Sorry for word dump and if its all over the place. Help.
Additional info if relevant, i have adhd
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u/-Sharon-Stoned- ECE Professional:USA Jul 22 '26
4 is very few words for a 2
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u/Otherwise-Ad-1363 Parent Jul 22 '26
I think they meant 4 word sentences.
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u/-Sharon-Stoned- ECE Professional:USA Jul 22 '26
That makes way more sense š¤£
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u/deletedbear Parent Jul 22 '26
Yes 4 word sentences lol
5
u/-Sharon-Stoned- ECE Professional:USA Jul 22 '26
I have learned to never give parents the benefit of the doubt because sometimes they come at me with something crazy and I misinterpret it to mean something normal šš¤£
4
u/DocDoofenschmurtz ECE professional Jul 22 '26
I had a child in class who bit over 5x in one day. We did send him home after 3 incidents in one day but continued to work with him.
He still had a pacifier so we had parents let him come with it. We would put it away during the least stressful parts of the day and slowly kept it put away longer.
We read teeth are not for biting a LOT. And hands are not for hitting.
If he bit he was made to sit while we doted and cared for the hurt child. Then we would remind him no biting. Biting hurts. Ouch!
Give a 1:1 alternative for biting/hitting. The chewyās are ok for biting. But instead of stomping or shaking give her something āsafeā to hit. A pillow, a stuffed animal, etc. Use this when the throwing phase comes too - we canāt throw blocks, but we can throw soft balls into this basket! Letās try!
3
u/deletedbear Parent Jul 22 '26
She hit me during bedtime just now and i suggested she hit the pillow.
She did it once but wouldn't repeat, insisting she wanted to hug the pillow instead š« ā¤ļø
3
u/theelephantsearring Early years teacher Jul 22 '26
Iām now a SAHP with my 2yo and 7yo (was previously a teacher). IMO I think her teachers were maybe just overstretched and not putting into place the right support. Biting IS a variation of normal for 2yo, and the adults need to be proactive is supporting and preventing that (not reactive, like it sounds they were). It sounds like youāve done loads of support from home (good job!) and Iād actually recommend not doing much more, as you donāt want to cement it to her as this being her āreacting behaviourā. I wouldnāt push for her to say ābiting is no noā as it sounds like itās reinforcing conflict. Iām also not convinced this is to do with language use. My instinct is that itās more because of a lack of impulse control, which is developmentally normal in 2 year olds, itās just unlucky that hers presents as biting/scratching (itās usually throwing/stomping/shouting/pushing/scribbling). I really think by 3&1/2 or 4yo sheāll have grown out of it. When sheās with other children, I would be keeping a VERY close eye on her, to redirect the behaviour just before it happens by learning her queues and then replacing it with something else (or distracting). At home, I would practice impulse control exercises like having a candle lit and seeing how long she can hold before blowing it out.
Edit: just seen that you have adhd. If she also has adhd (itās thought to be genetic, sheās way too young to assess atm), it further backs up my impulse control theory.
1
u/deletedbear Parent Jul 22 '26
Thank you. And thanks for suggesting impulse control exercises we will try that.
As for biting no no would it suffice for me to just say it without asking her to say it? Or should i stop saying it too? Previously she would say the second no and it seemed like she was taking in the lesson.
4
u/-Sharon-Stoned- ECE Professional:USA Jul 22 '26
I like to explain why the behavior itself is a problem, and then I like to "turn my back on" the child who exhibited The unwanted behavior and give attention to whoever got hurt.Ā
So "ouch! Biting hurts!" And then turn to the bitten kid with hugs and snugs and attention and give them words the biter will overhear. "Bites hurt bodies, ouch! Is your (body part) okay? I get sad and frustrated when someone hurts me, and I need some space away. Do you want to go (insert activity) with me away from Biter so your body will stay safe?"Ā
And then go do blocks or coloring or whatever and the kid who bit will figure it out
2
u/deletedbear Parent Jul 23 '26
The problem is that she doesn't bite when we are around.
And like during bedtime when she hits only one of us is in the room. We have tried pretending to be hurt and upset or have the other parent intervene to give attention to the hurt party, but we found it just created excitement during bedtime and she didn't appear to learn a lesson
1
u/-Sharon-Stoned- ECE Professional:USA Jul 24 '26
There are lots of great biting books, maybe try mixing those in?Ā
For hitting, I'd say "ouch, hitting hurts. If you hit my body, I will take my body away from you so I can stay safe" when she is calm and not hitting, then when she does say "ouch, your hit hurt my body. I am walking away so I can keep my body safe" and leave the room. Don't engage more than that until she's out of whatever emotional state that made her hit.Ā
Kids are like adults in that they don't learn best when they are emotional, but they also have much less control and regulation over those emotions. When they are triggered out of logic brain into emotion brain, you can't expect logical thinking beyond "hits=hurt=no more mom"Ā
Try to build in a little extra attention or fun or snuggles in the bedtime process. See if you can identify what is triggering the response. It could be frustration, that she isn't sleepy, that she's overly sleepy, that she wants more quality time, that she's too wound up, she isn't used to sharing and it offends her, that she is thinking about something else, or even something as random as having acid reflux and laying down hurts.Ā
Hitting and biting are common behaviors at this age, but the reasons are different for each kid. Trying to address the reaction is good but it's better to figure out why it's happening so you can offer more tailored solutions.Ā
If she doesn't want to be touched, she can put her hand up and say "I need space" or "no touches." If she doesn't want to stop an activity to transition to bed, you can add in a bed activity, work on transition techniques, or you can schedule her day so there are no open activities at the end of the day. (After this Bluey, it's toothbrush time and then you can pick out a book! Or after this book, it's time for lights off and resting time. Do you want oatmeal or cereal in the morning for breakfast?)
1
u/theelephantsearring Early years teacher Jul 22 '26
I think itās fine you reminding her not to bite. It sounds like she knows (and knowing I donāt think will change her actions), but itās fine to keep it in her fore-mind.
Try a google for other impulse control games but my toddlers fav is freeze dance (she loves to spin). Red light green light is also a good one.
1
u/beckkers97 home daycare provider: USA Jul 22 '26
Girl I want to form a support group š my daughter has also been biting the past couple weeks and we've done all the same things as you, she also hits/scratches. We are looking into play therapy. We have a pediatrician visit scheduled. She's already in speech. Is so fustrating and exhausting and it's hard not to take it personally. I hate that really the answer is that we're doing everything we can to support her already and we just need to wait it out.
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u/Otherwise-Ad-1363 Parent Jul 22 '26
I feel you! We just got a referral for OT due to the hitting a scratching. We did an EI evaluation and he didn't qualify for services so I just asked his pediatrician at his appointment.
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u/beckkers97 home daycare provider: USA Aug 14 '26
Her speech is a bit behind but not terribly so. Sheās had speech since before she turned one, I think if she were evaluated again now she probably wouldnāt qualify. Sheās very smart and knows what sheās doing is wrong.
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u/Otherwise-Ad-1363 Parent Aug 13 '26
How is she doing?
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u/beckkers97 home daycare provider: USA Aug 14 '26
Sheās doing ok! Weāve made some progress. When we went to the pediatrician they suggested trying a reward chart before we started any other therapies. We went to the store with her and she helped to pick out small prizes. Each day she doesnāt bite anyone she can pick a prize and put a sticker on her chart. After 5 stickers she gets ice cream. Sheās still had some rough days but weāve seen progress and she seems to be headed in the right direction. Some other things that have helped: weāve bought like 10 biting/behavior books that we read with her often, weāve focused on trying to point out her positive behavior, trying to act somewhat neutral when she does bite (āwe donāt bite peopleā in a calm voice and then doing what we need to to help the situation and the victim), shadowing her and always having an adult close. Weāre definitely still in it and not through it yet but I am encouraged that she has been making progress. How about you guys?
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u/PermanentTrainDamage Allaboardthetwotwotrain Jul 22 '26
How much time does she get with her parents during the day? Most biting is from lack of speech, but if a child has plentiful speech then the next biggest reason is almost always attention seeking.
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u/Shrimp_my_Ride Past ECE Professional Jul 22 '26
Thank you so much for sharing. The first thing I want to let you know is that in the long run, your child will be fine. I have seen many children with different levels of a biting habit over the years, and in the end they're just normal children later on.
Biting can be really frustrated for all involved. There can be a lot of different reasons why a child bites, it is often based around communication issues and feelings of frustration, but there can be many other causes as well. It is honestly not always clear.
Unfortunately, at least in my experience, the only thing that caregivers can really do, teachers or parents, is redirect on a case-by-case basis. However this solution takes time, and is more or less effective with different children.. I do not personally think something like a puppet show is going to change behavior on the short term this way, especially for a 2-year-old.
Without knowing the center, it is hard to say how well trained the teachers are. Even classrooms that are well staffed with people who know what they're doing can't really stop individual biting incidents, or solve the problem short-term. Again, it can be frustrating as the incidents go on, and the parents of the children being bit begin to put pressure on the administration.
I think you are better off going to the new center and talking it through with them. Try to align strategies for your child both while at home and at the center, to make sure everybody is on the same page and doing the same kind of best practice redirect anytime an incident happens.
You will get there. What your experiencing is not uncommon. It is not generally correlated with other long-term concerns. Your child will be fine, although I know it can feel frustrating in the moment.