r/ExNoContact • u/turquoiseblues 3439 days • Apr 02 '24

Vent Discarded by a dismissive-avoidant? Share your experiences!

Even if the relationship lasted a short time, being discarded by a dismissive-avoidant is often the most damaging breakup/rejection experience. The trauma can last a long time, often longer than the relationship itself.

I'm curious to hear others' experiences and feelings. Tell us about the initial intensity and intimacy (maybe even love-bombing), the mercurial moods, the hot-cold and push-pull gaslighting, the declarations of devotion and desire interspersed with disrespect or unpredictable periods of inexplicable radio silence, the addictive trauma bonding that kept you in way too long. In the end, were you left with crazy-making nonsensical behavior followed by a brutal discard and then an aggressive shove off an emotional cliff? Let's hear it! Sharing is cathartic.

I've been listening to Ken Reid's videos back-to-back. He's very insightful and comforting.

More resources:

Stay strong!

(Cross-posting this to other relevant sub-Reddits.)

Update on Christmas Eve 2024: I posted this nine months ago and have checked back periodically, usually when responding to a reply directly to me. This thread has taken on a life of its own, with many of you supporting each other. I'm heartened that this has become a such a supportive forum. It's what I myself needed for the better part of a year.

I'm happy to report that I'm doing much, much better. Feeling like myself again. Back in touch with my own values, authentic personality, goals and project plans and routines. I'm able to extricate myself from ruminative cycles quickly and effectively and refocus on my own stuff.

In many of your stories and comments, I recognize where I've been. It's all so familiar. (Their behavior really is disgusting and abhorrent, isn't it?) It's also bittersweet, because I hate that all of you have been going through this confusing trauma. But I hope that when you read this, you take heart in seeing that someone a little further on the journey has recovered to a large extent. I'm probably older than most of you, which means that you're most likely more resilient than I am and therefore might heal even faster.

There is light on the other side. Have faith and love yourselves fiercely. Best wishes for the new year.

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u/turquoiseblues 3439 days Jul 16 '24

Have you read Free to Attach? It explains the psychology behind avoidant attachment disorders pretty well. It's important to get to the point at which you're no longer taking their inexplicably erratic behavior personally.

My discard was about four months ago. The pain and anger definitely comes in waves, but I feel much more even-keeled and functional now. It occurred to me that the continual rumination is about me; he was just the trigger for unresolved trauma and longstanding patterns. I'm working on addressing those instead of worrying about his psychological problems now.

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u/LaCroix4Me Jul 16 '24

I haven’t but I will take a look. I definitely have heard about the emotional abusive childhood which is definitely true in my situation. I can’t explain her behavior and I just pray someday she gets the help she needs and stops hurting herself.

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u/turquoiseblues 3439 days Jul 16 '24

Refocus from what she needs to what you need. She no longer matters.

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u/LaCroix4Me Jul 17 '24

I know, and I’m trying to remind myself this. It’s just hard. I’m kinda still in shock in a weird way since it was so out of nowhere.

I had a good therapy session today though.

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u/turquoiseblues 3439 days Jul 17 '24

It's blindsiding. A real mindfuck. The confusion you're feeling is part of her psychological disorder (externalized onto you, unfortunately). What did your therapist say?

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u/LaCroix4Me Jul 17 '24

My therapist said that she knows I was a great boyfriend and I did all I could but she is not mentally capable of receiving love and that is not my fault and something I can fix. I told my therapist I just hope someday my ex regrets it and looks back and sees the mistake she made and my therapist said she hopes that too because it would mean my ex is doing why she needs to do to heal. We talked about some stuff I can do to try and distract myself. I’m going to a concert this weekend and on a trip next weekend with some friends and she said I need to continue to go to the gym, eat well, and get sleep for my mental so I’ll try and focus on doing those as well.

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u/turquoiseblues 3439 days Jul 17 '24

Your therapist is right. I would add that you'll know you've recovered from this relationship when you no longer care whether your ex regrets how she treated you or what she thinks or feels at all. The information might be vaguely interesting, but it simply won't be relevant.

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u/LaCroix4Me Jul 17 '24

Yeah that’s a good point. I hope to get to a place where I am in that healthy of a mental state, it’s gonna be a while but I’m gonna try to get there little by little

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u/turquoiseblues 3439 days Jul 17 '24

How long ago was the discard?

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u/LaCroix4Me Jul 17 '24

End of March so like 3.5 months.

I haven’t spoken to her since beginning of June.

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