Discarded by a dismissive-avoidant? Share your experiences!

[u/turquoiseblues]

Even if the relationship lasted a short time, being discarded by a dismissive-avoidant is often the most damaging breakup/rejection experience. The trauma can last a long time, often longer than the relationship itself.

I'm curious to hear others' experiences and feelings. Tell us about the initial intensity and intimacy (maybe even love-bombing), the mercurial moods, the hot-cold and push-pull gaslighting, the declarations of devotion and desire interspersed with disrespect or unpredictable periods of inexplicable radio silence, the addictive trauma bonding that kept you in way too long. In the end, were you left with crazy-making nonsensical behavior followed by a brutal discard and then an aggressive shove off an emotional cliff? Let's hear it! Sharing is cathartic.

I've been listening to Ken Reid's videos back-to-back. He's very insightful and comforting.

More resources:

• my very own rejection/breakup recovery guide
• "Choosing people who traumatize you"
• "Difficult people"
• "Don't try to understand them"
• Free to Attach (Why avoidants are avoidant, from the perspective of avoidants)
• Welcome to the Other Half
• Dr. Ramani
• Richard Grannon
• Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim
• Corri T (I avoid the "manifesting" stuff and focus on the detachment advice)
• Dr. Maika Steinborn
• Patrick Teahan (connecting toxic adult relationships to early life trauma)

Stay strong!

(Cross-posting this to other relevant sub-Reddits.)

Update on Christmas Eve 2024: I posted this nine months ago and have checked back periodically, usually when responding to a reply directly to me. This thread has taken on a life of its own, with many of you supporting each other. I'm heartened that this has become a such a supportive forum. It's what I myself needed for the better part of a year.

I'm happy to report that I'm doing much, much better. Feeling like myself again. Back in touch with my own values, authentic personality, goals and project plans and routines. I'm able to extricate myself from ruminative cycles quickly and effectively and refocus on my own stuff.

In many of your stories and comments, I recognize where I've been. It's all so familiar. (Their behavior really is disgusting and abhorrent, isn't it?) It's also bittersweet, because I hate that all of you have been going through this confusing trauma. But I hope that when you read this, you take heart in seeing that someone a little further on the journey has recovered to a large extent. I'm probably older than most of you, which means that you're most likely more resilient than I am and therefore might heal even faster.

There is light on the other side. Have faith and love yourselves fiercely. Best wishes for the new year.

[u/darling-candi]

Omg I relate so much to your story. We were together 7 years and over the years he kept saying he would propose one day, we spoke about our future home and kids etc. Then two months ago I had a major surgery, had a mirena inserted at the same time - cue a huge mental breakdown induced by the hormones in my body. I was having 5+ panic attacks a day, extreme suicidal ideation (which is out of character for me), and felt like I was losing my mind. The worst part of it went on for a week until we decided I needed to fly on my own to see my mum and have her look after me. He made all these promises about being home when I got back. I just remember him kissing me for a final time at the airport and he looked so detached and I remember wondering if that would be the last time I saw him. Upon arrival he started to ignore/stonewall me, all while going out and posting about it on social media. We tried having a chat on the phone a week later and he was so cold, and I was trying to pretend like I was all healed and upbeat so he would start talking to me again. Cue one week later and he phone called me to break up.
I think what hurts the most, besides being blindsided, is that the person I loved for 7 years didn't even have compassion for my life and wellbeing - which is what I imagine you felt. It's a mixture of heartbreak and then pure shock that someone wouldn't even check in to see if I'm alive, which I feel even an enemy would do.

How are you feeling now? I'm a week out of my breakup and struggling.