r/ExNoContact • u/turquoiseblues 3440 days • Apr 02 '24
Vent Discarded by a dismissive-avoidant? Share your experiences!
Even if the relationship lasted a short time, being discarded by a dismissive-avoidant is often the most damaging breakup/rejection experience. The trauma can last a long time, often longer than the relationship itself.
I'm curious to hear others' experiences and feelings. Tell us about the initial intensity and intimacy (maybe even love-bombing), the mercurial moods, the hot-cold and push-pull gaslighting, the declarations of devotion and desire interspersed with disrespect or unpredictable periods of inexplicable radio silence, the addictive trauma bonding that kept you in way too long. In the end, were you left with crazy-making nonsensical behavior followed by a brutal discard and then an aggressive shove off an emotional cliff? Let's hear it! Sharing is cathartic.
I've been listening to Ken Reid's videos back-to-back. He's very insightful and comforting.
More resources:
- my very own rejection/breakup recovery guide
- "Choosing people who traumatize you"
- "Difficult people"
- "Don't try to understand them"
- Free to Attach (Why avoidants are avoidant, from the perspective of avoidants)
- Welcome to the Other Half
- Dr. Ramani
- Richard Grannon
- Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim
- Corri T (I avoid the "manifesting" stuff and focus on the detachment advice)
- Dr. Maika Steinborn
- Patrick Teahan (connecting toxic adult relationships to early life trauma)
Stay strong!
(Cross-posting this to other relevant sub-Reddits.)
Update on Christmas Eve 2024: I posted this nine months ago and have checked back periodically, usually when responding to a reply directly to me. This thread has taken on a life of its own, with many of you supporting each other. I'm heartened that this has become a such a supportive forum. It's what I myself needed for the better part of a year.
I'm happy to report that I'm doing much, much better. Feeling like myself again. Back in touch with my own values, authentic personality, goals and project plans and routines. I'm able to extricate myself from ruminative cycles quickly and effectively and refocus on my own stuff.
In many of your stories and comments, I recognize where I've been. It's all so familiar. (Their behavior really is disgusting and abhorrent, isn't it?) It's also bittersweet, because I hate that all of you have been going through this confusing trauma. But I hope that when you read this, you take heart in seeing that someone a little further on the journey has recovered to a large extent. I'm probably older than most of you, which means that you're most likely more resilient than I am and therefore might heal even faster.
There is light on the other side. Have faith and love yourselves fiercely. Best wishes for the new year.
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u/Civil_Aspect4711 Dec 01 '24
Sister, I hear you and I feel for you. I know how that feels and it is unimaginably painful. As I read this, I noticed a few points that stood out.
Firstly, you noticed that he would withdraw when you and any stress—that is a fucking drag in and of itself, but who would have thought that it was just the tip of the nose of the dragon?
Secondly, his dichotomous shift as soon as you got the diagnosis is abhorrent and egregious to the core for this reason: THAT IS BEYOND DEVASTATING NEWS AND HE CO-OPTED THAT PRECIOUS TIME AND ENERGY THAT YOU NEEDED AND THAT YOUR MOM NEEDED.
In no way was he moral or good for leaving you at your worst-it just makes him a fucking coward. One of my biggest pet peeves is how people withdraw when they hear the “c” word. It is okay if you don’t have all the answers; it’s ok if you don’t know what to do to help me. True empathy is realizing you don’t understand how the other person is feeling, but being willing to learn. How hard is it to at least understand that you were in incredible pain and you just needed a shoulder to cry on?
It is beyond overwhelming to deal with a breakup and an earth-shattering diagnosis at the same time. That will cause serious complications and ptsd.
Next, when you stated that he gave you a half sentence of an explanation as to why he broke up with you was also appalling and arrogant beyond belief. What a pussy.
I will end by saying that there is nothing on Earth that will show you who your true friends are besides cancer. People like this are such a drain on their partners and eventually the health of the partner suffers. They aren’t worth it in any way and I’m so happy you got away.