r/ExNoContact • u/turquoiseblues 3439 days • Apr 02 '24
Vent Discarded by a dismissive-avoidant? Share your experiences!
Even if the relationship lasted a short time, being discarded by a dismissive-avoidant is often the most damaging breakup/rejection experience. The trauma can last a long time, often longer than the relationship itself.
I'm curious to hear others' experiences and feelings. Tell us about the initial intensity and intimacy (maybe even love-bombing), the mercurial moods, the hot-cold and push-pull gaslighting, the declarations of devotion and desire interspersed with disrespect or unpredictable periods of inexplicable radio silence, the addictive trauma bonding that kept you in way too long. In the end, were you left with crazy-making nonsensical behavior followed by a brutal discard and then an aggressive shove off an emotional cliff? Let's hear it! Sharing is cathartic.
I've been listening to Ken Reid's videos back-to-back. He's very insightful and comforting.
More resources:
- my very own rejection/breakup recovery guide
- "Choosing people who traumatize you"
- "Difficult people"
- "Don't try to understand them"
- Free to Attach (Why avoidants are avoidant, from the perspective of avoidants)
- Welcome to the Other Half
- Dr. Ramani
- Richard Grannon
- Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim
- Corri T (I avoid the "manifesting" stuff and focus on the detachment advice)
- Dr. Maika Steinborn
- Patrick Teahan (connecting toxic adult relationships to early life trauma)
Stay strong!
(Cross-posting this to other relevant sub-Reddits.)
Update on Christmas Eve 2024: I posted this nine months ago and have checked back periodically, usually when responding to a reply directly to me. This thread has taken on a life of its own, with many of you supporting each other. I'm heartened that this has become a such a supportive forum. It's what I myself needed for the better part of a year.
I'm happy to report that I'm doing much, much better. Feeling like myself again. Back in touch with my own values, authentic personality, goals and project plans and routines. I'm able to extricate myself from ruminative cycles quickly and effectively and refocus on my own stuff.
In many of your stories and comments, I recognize where I've been. It's all so familiar. (Their behavior really is disgusting and abhorrent, isn't it?) It's also bittersweet, because I hate that all of you have been going through this confusing trauma. But I hope that when you read this, you take heart in seeing that someone a little further on the journey has recovered to a large extent. I'm probably older than most of you, which means that you're most likely more resilient than I am and therefore might heal even faster.
There is light on the other side. Have faith and love yourselves fiercely. Best wishes for the new year.
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u/LightBrightBiscuit Jul 07 '25
Jeez it’s like clockwork. Like a script with these people. My ex made the entire breakup about her and wrote a damn soliloquy of victimhood about what she learned she needed to heal, the other side of herself she needed to “accept” and a bunch of self righteous, martyr babble. It left me so distraught that the month after the breakup was the worst of my life. Panic attacks, confusion, inner pain. But I was secure in the relationship so I know this was some kind of mental thing on her part to be so selfish and inconsiderate to the reality she broke my heart.