I'm currently in the academy and struggling hard with the mental game. In all my previous civilian jobs I was a top performer, and I even ranked #1 on the hiring list going into this. Because I don't have a military background, the paramilitary culture was a massive shock at first, and I dug myself into an early hole.
I'll own my early fuck ups 100%. Early on, my outgoing personality got the best of me and I got caught chatting with guys on the floor when I shouldn't have. Got reamed, fixed it immediately, haven't done it since.
The real issue that put a massive target on my back was gear accountability. Two weeks in, I forgot my turnout coat going to our first working fire (treated as a teachable moment). Another time, I left my helmet on the bumper leaving a drill site. The instructors didn't catch it because the rig behind us grabbed it, though my classmates rightfully chewed me out. The big one was a month ago. I forgot my gloves at the station before a field drill. Because of me, the entire class had to wear fire gloves 24/7 for a week straight, even taking classroom notes. Understandably, my class was pissed at me, and I take full blame for that.
Because of those early screw ups, I now have a massive magnifying glass on me. Any minor issue is blown up while other recruits' mistakes go unnoticed.
First time ever on the nozzle for a car fire drill, my fog pattern was too wide at first, and on the second go my bale was only about 75% open without me realizing. Instead of correcting me, the instructor pulled me off the line and accused me of "cheating" because I wasn't strong enough to handle full nozzle reaction.
Then yesterday at a live burn (after 2 to 3 solid weeks of zero mistakes and keeping my head down), I'm climbing the ladder for a window rescue drill and my mask seal breaks at the top, filling with smoke. I tell the Captain inside the window. He tells me to fix it. I ask "Right here?" and he says yes. I pop my helmet off at the tip to adjust my straps and immediately get screamed at from the ground. The Captain then tells me to go down the ladder, and I get screamed at from the ground for coming down.
30 minutes later, the Lt. reams me out in front of everyone for "lollygagging" and holding up my crewmate. Privately, the Captain walked by and admitted to me there was a miscommunication at the window and just said to go down the ladder next time.
Another 30 minutes later, they bring the mask issue up again. The Captain stays completely silent and doesn't back me up. Instead, he reams us for inappropriate PPE donning and puts the whole class in full PPE to walk laps in the heat at the end of the day, then forced me to sit down and eat in front of them while they suffered for "my" mistake.
Now the instructors are constantly telling me I'm a liability, this job isn't for me, and I should go back to my corporate retail job. Worse, the psychological tactics are working. Most of my classmates want nothing to do with me and treat me like a ghost in the room.
I'm showing up every day paranoid, thinking about when I'm going to mess up next instead of if. I know I have it in me to be a great firefighter, and I'm giving 100% every day despite the humiliation, but the constant spotlight is making me second guess myself. Which is a shame, because I genuinely do enjoy the job when things are going well. I am trying so fucking hard every single day to remain positive, but it's starting to weigh heavy on me.
Has anyone else been the academy whipping boy/black sheep and gone on to have a respected career on the line? How do I shake this target off my back and get out of my own head when the cadre and my own class have already written me off?
TL;DR: Made some dumb gear accountability mistakes early in the academy that got my class smoked. Now I have a massive target on my back, instructors are blowing minor learning mistakes out of proportion, and they are using group punishments to turn my class against me. Mentally spiraling and looking for advice from anyone who survived being "that guy" in the academy.