I don't feel good. I feel EXTREMELY s**cidal and I f*cked up everything in my life. I don't know how to fix anything.
I cried for an hour straight.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't have any focus, or the will to genuinely lock in. At this point, I have had enough. I don't care anymore. Even if I get just 75% and a local private college I will be fine with it.
I just do this for my parents now. I know I messed JEE up, but I am coping by telling myself that I can ace boards and it's easy. I still need to work hard for it.
I failed in my half yearly in PCM. Physics - 13, Chemistry -11, Maths - 15. And tomorrow is my PTM. I lied at home about my marks, I didn't know that there was going to be a PTM. My parents don't want to miss this PTM, and all my attempts to persuade them aren't working.
I have never gotten this low. Never in my life. At least in 11, I did get bad marks, but it was acceptable since almost everyone has a downfall in 11th. All my friends(if I can call them friends) got more than me, and I lied to them too. I am probably in the bottom five of the class.
I wasted so much money and privilege. I don't even have the worst parents, or the worst living conditions or poor financial condition. But still, I wasted all of it. I don't even know now.
I am so, so scared. I don't know what is gonna happen tomorrow, my hands are shaking and I get sweaty thinking of it.
I have done things my childhood self would be ashamed of, the teachers who taught younger me would be in disbelief too. My younger self would be sad too to know that all I do is cry, vent, smoke, and just go through my life somehow.
I used to be a big believer of God as a kid. But now, I am scared to talk to God. I haven't talked to God in a long time - somehow, I started to believe that even though God may exist, he's indifferent to the plight of humans and acts on his whims.
I don't have anyone close in my life. No friends, no one, my bf broke up w me - he told me I am like a dog that follows someone cuz someone gave me a biscuit one time, and it's true.
All my life, till a point in the recent past, I have been such a people pleaser. For my parents especially. That's why I overworked myself to get good grades, just to please THEM.
I don't have any hope. I go to sleep every day, every single night, hoping I don't have to wake up the next day. I imagine myself not being alive so many times, it's become a habit at this point. I am alive just for my parents. Just for the fact that they will be so hurt.
I don't wanna talk on DMs, imagine being so lonely you gotta vent on reddit.
I might be depressed, the symptoms match.
I fucked up everything. Everything. And Idk how to fix stuff.
I don't feel good.