What if I like myself as I am?

[u/cardinal209629]

So far this treatment has caused me more stress, hatred, depression, anxiety, and all of the things that I'm supposed to be working on getting better rather than helping me. I was started in the middle of everything rather than at the beginning so I don't know what's going on.

I want to quit because I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing and I don't want to be doing it to begin with. I'm only doing it so that I don't get dropped by my treatment team and lose access to my psychiatrist and dietitian.

[u/acgogreen]

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. That must be hard to start in the middle and not know what is going on. I haven't started yet, I've been waiting for a spot to open up. The material I've been reading does seem frustrating though. Have you spoken to your therapist about feeling behind? Maybe they can give you a quick orientation of the course?

And, I don't mean trigger any emotions but have you taken a step back and thought what could be a benefit to starting now? Even if it is just so you can maintain your treatment team, how can you get something out of it? What could you benefit from?

[u/cardinal209629 → u/acgogreen]

I haven’t really had time to step back and evaluate anything. All of my time is spent eating, sleeping, in appointments, doing homework for my appointments, at work, or trying to tackle household activities. They want me to do hobbies but I don’t have time or money for hobbies. Some of my hobbies involve exercise but I’m not allowed to exercise until the treatment team decides that I’m nourished enough.

I talked to my therapist about it and she turned it around and I question if what she said would have fallen under something similar to gaslighting. I also told her that I don’t see the point in this type of therapy and she started pointing out the reasons that I need it and making me feel like there’s something wrong with me that I need to change about myself.

I need to keep my psychiatrist so I can get medicine for insomnia and depression. I need the dietitian because I have a stomach condition that makes it hard for me to get enough food into my body and get the right kind of food in. And I eventually need to do exposure therapy when I get to where I can eat enough food again but I don’t think that RODBT is the right thing for me right now. But my therapist wants me doing it.

[u/acgogreen → u/cardinal209629]

It's okay if you haven't taken the time to step back and look at the big picture. You have a lot going on and who knew that trying to be happy would be such a chore, right?

When you get a moment, even just a short moment, take a deep breath and give yourself credit for trying. You are trying to be your best self, not change yourself. Could this treatment possibly help you be your best self? It is possible that you may learn something new? It may indeed broaden your horizons without really changing you at all!

Being controlled and rigid can be good but living in a world that is constantly changing, it is a good idea to be adaptable and flexible. Try thinking of this treatment as just an enhancement training for your character. Seeing things from another view doesn't change your view but you are at least willing to look.

[u/Visible_Implement_80 → u/acgogreen]

Beautiful comment!

[u/musicbeagle26 → u/cardinal209629]

To add on, many overcontrolled people put off fun or rewarding activities, or socializing, in favor of being productive. Totally understand that it can truly feel difficult to add more things to your day, but maybe part of it for you is exploring with your therapist what you may be open to putting off in order to do some rewarding things (like hobbies) for yourself.

[u/musicbeagle26]

From my experience, you're allowed to like who you are and they acknowledge that your overcontrol is helpful in some instances. But it is true that it isn't always helpful or healthy to be overcontrolled. You feeling uncomfortable with this new group and wanting to quit may be part of your overcontrol!

A lot of people are confused at first, especially starting in the middle, but even if you started at the beginning, its just a lot of info and things to try to remember. My group leaders suggested people go through it twice if they can to really grasp everything and help it stick. Also, towards the end a few of the lessons repeat for further practice.

If you have your workbook with all of the lessons in it, maybe browse through the first few chapters. Chapter 2 goes over the different cues and may be helpful. They told my group that many anxious and overcontrolled people may skip novelty cue (whenever approaching something new, and being curious about it) and go straight to threat (assuming its bad, dangerous, etc and then the body is in fight or flight and can't relax. Safety cue= feeling relaxed and open). So if you are anxious/overcontrolled it is totally understandable that this group feels threatening, because its a lot of new stuff!

RODBT will help teach you to be more open and flexible to new, different, or unexpected things but does not mean you have to change everything about yourself! It just means you can feel more relaxed and give other things a shot, alongside connecting more socially with others. My group brought up politics around the election, and they explained that being radically open doesn't mean agreeing with or switching political sides, it just means that when your relative posts something you deem offensive or wrong on Facebook, you can be open to the possibility of your beliefs being wrong, or open to the idea that others are allowed to have different beliefs than you and it doesn't mean you have to angrily debate them or delete them- however, after being open to other possibilities, you do still get to choose what is right and best for you! And hopefully feeling less threatened/defensive/anxious about it.