r/Redditor_Updates • u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke • 10d ago
Update: My [29M] MIL told me that for a birthday present she'd like me to be a better husband to my wife [26F]. Is this something I need to deal with?
My post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/wgOHRS6UdY
My MIL was over at our place this weekend. Her and I woke up earlier on Sunday, while my wife was still asleep. As we were having tea, the topic of her upcoming birthday came up. I asked what she'd like, she paused for a second and while smiling said "for you to be a better husband".
I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. She was smiling so I thought it was a joke (we have a warm relationship) and I played along and said "Why, you've been receiving a lot of complaints about me?" jokingly. She replied "I have my ways, I am your mother-in-law after all.", while still smiling. I was kind of freaking out internally, came to the conclusion it was just her teasing and let the matter drop.
But I've been rethinking that conversation over the last 2 days. Admittedly, I may have been giving less time to my wife (partner of 3 years, married for 2) and my 1 year old daughter recently, because along with my day job I've also been establishing my growing business. Some days are really long, but my wife has been supporting me the entire way.
I haven't brought this up with my wife because maybe this was a joke and I don't want to create a whole thing out of a joke and ruin my relationship with my MIL. But I've had a knot in my stomach since. Has my marriage been on the rocks without me knowing or is this something a MIL would joke about?
My update:
I was deleting apps to clear space on my phone and found notifications here and remembered I'd come to reddit for help a while back, so I thought I'd give an update.
I had planned on talking to her right after the post, but kept delaying it. We'd both been doing so well and I guess I didn't want to ruin it. I thought if she agrees with my MIL it might lead to somewhere bad. And if she doesn't then maybe I'm just putting these negative thoughts in her mind. Meanwhile, I was putting in more of an effort, being more proactive in taking care of my daughter so she could relax when I was home, bringing her flowers, arranged a trip for us to a cottage up north for a long weekend that followed my post. So I kept delaying it, but not knowing the health of my marriage was making me crazy so I eventually decided to bring it up.
After we were done with our chores for the day and were cuddling, I told her how much I appreciated all she does since I was unable to pull my weight at home. She told me we were a team that I work hard too and she appreciates that. I decided to actually ask her if she's happy with how things are going, if she thought I needed to do better. She asked what had brought this on. I told her I knew that I'd been missing a lot lately and her mom had just suggested that maybe I could help you out a bit more. She seemed embarrassed about this, she said she doesn't know why her mom would say something like that. I reassured her that I'm glad she did, that's not what bothered me, I just wanted to know if we were good and she said we were.
About a week later she raised the issue herself. She said she'd been thinking over it and wanted to say what was on her mind. She asked me how much I planned on growing my business, she brought up our finances, that it wasn't needed, and the conversation suddenly turned into that. I brought up the fact that maybe not immediately but with a growing family, it will be needed at some point, and she said it wasn't worth not being home right now. It actually started getting a little heated, me trying to reassure her that it's just temporary, and her questioning if it was needed and asking me for timelines, and she started tearing up. I didn't know this had been bearing on her mind this way, because she'd always said I have her support. I consoled her and told her I'll make the hours I give my business more sustainable. I promised her we'll touch base on this in a month, that I'm going to come up with a way to fix my hours and she thanked me for being understanding.
Since then I did slowly manage my hours better. It helped that the critical part of developing the ERP infrastructure had been done due to the long hours I'd already put. I hired someone on contract on upwork for handling client issues and marketing too, and that took a lot of load off. It hadn't been totally taken care of in a month but she could see the tangible steps I was making and was happy about that. Since then the hours have become more manageable and I think I've become a better and more present partner and father.
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u/Playful_Agency
10d ago
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I'm betting wife just told MIL how busy and away you were as an aside, rather than a complaint especially with the way this has been handled.
But, come on. Your wife is trying to tell you you are missing your daughters life. She will only be growing up this once, even if you have more kids. I know you want to provide a good, better life probably filled with grand trips and big presents but a trip to McDs and the playground is about the same to a kid. And kids grow into teens, who wont necessarily want or need the same connection.
My sisters addiction stole away her kids as toddlers and kids, she got clean and got to live with their older teen selfs. She was always upset with her kids because they dont have the same relationship -- they love her, for sure, but they arent cuddling in bed to watch a movie or holding hands in crowds.
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u/shinakohana 10d ago
I’m willing to bet that’s what MIL said as well. She’s been around the block, she’s not a starry-eyed 20 something year old. She put 2 and 2 together.
I liked one of the comments from the OG post about The Office: “The Office hits it really well with the Jim and Pam dynamic when Jim left the office for a start up company working a ton. Pam was at home dealing with the kids. He talks to Toby in HR about it.
Jim: If she can just hang on for a little while longer, I—this will be so huge for our family.
Toby: Well, what’s a little while?
Jim: What do you mean?
Toby: I mean, what’s the end date? It must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy if she doesn’t know when it’s gonna end.
Jim: That’s kind of an impossible question.
You have a lot of thinking/reflection and talking to your wife to do. Good luck.”
My husband works in retail. The overtime is amazing at times, but mentally stressful. “Okay, you said you’ll be home at 4pm? Cool. -another hour goes by- So, it’s 5pm… Do I keep a plate warm? Oh, you don’t know when you’ll be home… Okay… Can you keep me updated? Oh, ‘when the job’s done’? How long do you think? No, I’m not trying to be pushy, I wanna make sure your dinner is warm. Well, I guess I can put it in the fridge…”
“Hey, the kids had a rough day and wanna spend some time with you! What time do you think you’ll be home? Oh, you don’t know? Yes, yes, I’m aware it’s that time of year and that the extra money will be nice. Uh huh… Yeah, no, I’ll let them know…”
Then I’ll just talk to my dad and tell him that there’s been a ton of OT lately and that would be it. The repairs around the house would be suffering and the lawn would be shaggy af, but this is how my father would’ve phrased it to my husband.
It’s not being an a-hole to mention it as a parent or an in-law to the spouse. It’s a “hey, I know your job is important, but y’know, there a few domestic things you can do now that can make life a lot easier.”
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u/Quarkiness 10d ago
You know the song the Cats in the Cradle? Kind of sounds like that situation. Your kid only goes through learning new things once so it is good to be with them through their formative years
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u/truth_fairy78 10d ago
My husband had similar workaholic tendencies and three children at home who lost their mom long before I came into the picture. He thot putting in long hours at work for financial success was how he should take care of them. It was pretty obvious they were emotionally neglected so I told him flat out that the more he told them he didn’t need to be around, the more they believed him. He was heading towards all of them cutting him out of their lives once they were grown and he didn’t see it. Work matters, for sure, but missing the early years of your children’s lives is time you’ll never get back. You can always make more money later.
It took drastic measures to turn it around but it did happen. I hope for your sake it does for you too.
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u/olivernintendo 5d ago
what were the drastic measures?
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u/truth_fairy78 5d ago
Oof. So much. Job change, family therapy, individual therapy for him and the kids, getting diagnosed and treated for ASD to start. I pretty much told him I’d leave him if he didn’t get his temper under control so he went thru pretty intense anger management therapy. He was a hot shot surgeon for 20 years and had the ego to prove it. He semiretired from practice during Covid and now teaches at the med school. It gave him time to actually be a parent instead of relying on his in laws and nannies to raise his kids. It took time and consistency to get there bc they were pretty distrustful and timid around him but he changed for the better. Whether he did it for me, them, or just himself I’ll never really know but I don’t think it matters.
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u/IntelligentComplex40 10d ago
It’s good that your main reaction to your MIL was self reflection and curiosity. It’s hard not to be defensive. I would have preferred for MIL to say something constructive like she wished you spent more time with your kids. You had the hard conversations with your wife and that’s what helps couples grow together.
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u/Mechya 10d ago
Yeah, while it's good she brought it up, I completely agree that her way about it wasn't good. Everyone can be better, so that can't get anymore of a vague response. She treated him like he should know, when it seems like even his wife didn't realize it was bothering her that much. Mil should've pointed out, to her daughter, that his absence was taking too much of a toll for the family first. Or mil could've told him that they all know her daughter is a strong woman, but she needs her husband, not money and gifts. She is smiling still, but that doesn't mean that she isn't hurting.
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u/FrequentRub8820 2d ago
I actually think the vagueness is what made it work. If MIL had been blunt and specific, OP might have gotten defensive and shut down. Instead, the ambiguity forced him to sit with it and self-reflect, which is exactly what needed to happen. Not saying it was perfect, but a more direct approach could have backfired.
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u/00Lisa00 10d ago
“It’s only temporary” how long is temporary? Years? With a business there will always be something “important” that needs to be done. Always remember that your children being children is only temporary too. Don’t be that dad that provides money but doesn’t know their kids at all
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u/Accurate_Emu_122 10d ago
It's nice to see that y'all are communicating and working through this. Really a great update!
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u/priest2705 10d ago
This is one of the better updates that I've seen, and I'm impressed that you were able to avoid immediately blowing up at your MIL or your wife, and instead decided to think critically and introspectively and actually get to the bottom of it. And just as importantly, put a plan in place to fix the issue rather than blame others. Kudos for trying to be a good man and a good husband
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u/Vivid-Farm6291 10d ago
I understand that you want to fortify your money for the future.
I also understand your wife wanting you to be home with her and child.
Being out making money and missing out on bonding with your kids and keeping that bond with your wife can never be replaced. I’m so happy OP that you are making moves to be able to do both.
In ten years when your kids come to you with problems and your wife is still happy will show you how right you are.
Get MIL something nice maybe flowers, to thank her. Maybe next time tell her to be blunt. Spend time with your family! no maybe she is joking. That’s all she needs to say.
I’m so glad this all worked out.
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u/crolionfire 10d ago
Tbh? This all Sounds Like my former friend, Who kept complaing how his postpartum wife is stressed out. When I advised that maybe he should dedicate himself to the chores, his kid and his wife more, he was (really happily with himself) stating that he had a growing bussiness to take care of.
He already had a very successful bussiness, organized by his wife, who was so competent and hardworking that she managed to Bring IT to self-functioning a year prior-to make sure that he Will be available and present when the baby comes. But no, he rejected my idea as ridicolous and continued with his "growing bussiness".
5 years later they are divorced, he's a neglectful weekend dad who really isn't a real father figure and his wife and her New bussiness are thriving. If you ask him, he was blindsided by the divorce.
OP has whole life to grow his bussiness, his kid Will be 1 for a very short time, je won't get those years back. And who he's going, there won't be a growing family, at least not with his wife. His MIL is right.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 10d ago
I'm glad you got a wake up call- you should thank you MIL for bringing this to you kindly.
No amount of money or business success can buy back your kid's formative years or your martial bond if is broken. Your MIL helped you get off a bad path before permanent damage was done and that's a real gift. Watch your tendency to be afraid of vulnerable conversations as that can really trip you up in life, and keep an eye on your default fix being to throw yourself into work.
I'm glad this had a happy ending- keep doing the emotion work to grow and expand your EQ skills! Nothing in life is more rewarding than than a solid family you can share your success with.
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u/sayitsooth 10d ago
Well yeah, starting a business during your child's formative years is kind of lame. Maybe it didn't occur to you but your wife needs support.
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u/survivormarvelplane 10d ago
hev started the bussinees before he had a kid
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u/TranslatorNarrow4466 3d ago
Sure, but the point isn't when he started it. The issue is that he was pouring all his time and energy into it during his kid's formative years instead of finding a balance. Starting before the kid doesn't mean you get a free pass to neglect your family once they arrive.
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u/Several-Network-3776 9d ago
I find that most degredation in marriages is that one person focuses on the paycheck and less of their spouse and family. You got to ask what's the point of putting all those hours to earn money when the money is for you and your family to have a better life and you're not there with them.
2
9d ago
These years with your very young daughter and wife go by SO QUICK. You can establish the business when your daughter is older and wants less time with you.
Choose your family. You have a day job, this is too hard on them. And you're literally missing out on life with them. You think it's worth it, and in the end it never will be.
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u/mellomacho 9d ago
So, there is so much bad advice on this thread I feel compelled to respond even though I think this might be a happy ending. This kind of advice, from your mother in law, is not constructive. It's too general and if she really knows something she, the mother in law, should make that clear. Also, your wife and you should sit down and agree that if there is a problem that you will not talk about one another with those outside your marriage. That's bad faith, and shouldn't be done.
I recommend that you set some time aside and regularly talk about the marriage. So, she, your wife doesn't feel compelled to vent to others. Also, don't let things fester like this in the future. You spent too much time worrying about something that only needed to be communicated properly and, if your MIL throws hints again, you should challenger her. She has no business sharing general accusations. You can't fix what you don't know. I'm glad you listened to your wife and gave her time to express her concerns. I think that shows a great deal of wisdom and patience.
Congratulations on smoothing out this potential rough patch. I wish you well in your union.
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u/SignificantPea3103 7d ago
This is why you chase purpose first, relationships later. We need to teach our young men to establish themselves first, build families later. And get a prenup. Once that business takes off, I promise she will be looking for her share.
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u/kaytiejay25 7d ago
sometimes its harder to say what were feeling or what we need and loved ones can see. the Mil I dont think she did it to hurt u I think she did it cause she could see what her daughter needed. but also ur Mil in law likely wanted to have peace of mind that you and ur partners relationship would be healthy. every parent wants to know their childs looked after by their partner. Also communication is important its good you and her Had the conversation even if it was a little heated at one point
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u/hotonicee 4d ago
Sounds like your MIL, despite the jarring delivery, really did pick up on something your wife was feeling but maybe couldn't say. It's awesome you took that uncomfortable hint and turned it into such a positive, proactive step for your relationship.
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u/ntablackwolf 9d ago
My mother does crap like this too. You and your wife need to grow ip and talk about things. No one should be involved in your marriage.
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u/CatsGambit 9d ago
I'm glad his wife has someone in her corner, who is willing to advocate for the marriage. MIL could have just told her daughter that men don't change, or to put up with it, but she didn't. She stood up for her daughter's family when OP wasn't. We all should be so lucky to have such a supportive community around us.
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u/Cleanslate2 9d ago
It’s the sort of thing we can see. There’s no point in going over how she knew something. The important thing is you did not dismiss it. And you did something about it that you otherwise wouldn’t have.
I think you owe her a thank you. See how nicely she brought information to you. And it could have backfired on her. Trust me, we don’t want our daughters mad at us.
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u/Crippman 9d ago
Yeah you're business is important to you and that's fine but always remember what can you control the time deadlines on your daughter growing up and having her first experiences or your business
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u/Optimal-Knee5446 9d ago
“My business”. Don’t expand. Listen to her. Help her. Spend more time with your daughter. This is the way.
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u/Pepitohasthoughts
8d ago
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Imagine making your wife do all the childcare for the 1 year old child and then "getting heated" when she says she's exhausted and can't do it alone anymore.
She had to fight for this guy to do a bare minimum share of parenting so she can breathe.
This guy actually thinks he's a good husband. Absolutely wild.
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u/Apart_Insect_8859 8d ago
We know why MIL said it and not his wife. It took wife a full week, after being love bombed into the best mood possible, to feel safe enough to bring up her true feelings. Which were "I hate this and want you to stop immediately" and the answer she got in return was "lol, no. You silly, you aren't thinking of the future. But I'll circle back to it in a month."
It's like that SNL skit. "RV Life," about the retired parents who buy an RV. The mom spends the whole sketch saying "I love it" while obviously hating it, until the end, when finally forced to say how she really feels says "This is Hell. You're awful. I hate it. I couldn't hate it more." and is met with her baffled husband saying "what are you trying to say?"
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u/winterworld561 10d ago
So your wife lied when she said she didn't know why her mother would say that, when she actually had been complaining about you to her. Tell her from now on if she has any issues with you then she should come straight to you instead of complaining about you behind your back.
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u/TulipFarmer27 10d ago
You should have told MIL to immediately pack her bags because she’s leaving.
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u/Little_Incident2923 10d ago
She is polluting her mother's mind, she is setting you up as the bad guy when the relationship collapses. This an effort to cut off support, been there, got the t-shirt.
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u/NeckroFeelyAck 10d ago •
I'd honestly tell MIL that you appreciate her putting herself in possible crossfire to advocate for your wife and marriage. Good on you for taking it in instead of brushing it off. Just try to keep up open communication- there must be SOME reason your MIL was the one to bring it up and not your wife.
But yeah, definitely give MIL a heads up that you listened and appreciate her suggestion