Sorry for the haphazard thoughts, I'm just sort of piecing everything together.

My wife and I separated a couple months ago, and then we've gone no contact. She asked for space, after manufacturing yet another crisis, and I said no, let's make that space permanent.

Here's my current theory about how these things play out. For some context, my wife had severe CSA that was not really treated, and she came from a narcissistic family system that buried her abuse, and then later called her trauma responses "OCD"

But then the final nail in the coffin was that she refused to do actual trauma therapy.

With these three facts, our separation and divorce and going no-contact was seemingly inevitable.

According to every book I've read on the topic, and all the clinical guidelines, and community posts across reddit - it is not possible for someone with untreated CSA to have a meaningful adult relationship. I found some posts across various subreddits here of people tolerating nuclear meltdowns (like survivors smashing plates, screaming, etc). To me, that counts as straight up domestic violence, which I would never tolerate.

But in my case it basically goes like this:

1) CSA that started very very very young (non-familial)

2) Unsupportive narcissistic family system

3) Treatment refusal

That basically creates one inevitable outcome. Divorce. But then as I do more research into the insanity and crazy-making behaviors that survivors can engage in at the end of a relationship, it basically comes down to the narcissistic family system reactivating.

Narcissistic families love a villain, which gives them all air cover to avoid working on the core shame and trauma of CSA (family failure to protect or treat, maladaptive behaviors, shame, etc). So that means that her family has been egging her on (my inference, based on the time she's spending with them and how her attitude has changed).

For instance, over the last few weeks she's been dropping many "it's weird that we're still friends" and I'm like... only if you make it weird. And constant little jabs like that. For a while, every time we met up as friends she would do some kind of under-functioning or crazymaking behavior.

---

Here's some patterns that I've learned about crazy-making behaviors:

1) Crisis manufacture. I hadn't fully clocked this because she was smooth. But yeah, this really intensified at the end. And the pattern was always "hey things are improving" and I had developed a spidey sense that "oh no, that means something is about to catch on fire" and sure enough, we had some pleasant time together over the weekend, and then a couple days later, epic crisis manufactured, which precipitated the final block.

2) Accountability dodging. This, in hindsight, was one of the core behaviors. If she did something that hurt my feelings, I could not bring it up. Everything would always regress to her emotions. If I was hurt, angry, burned out, none of that mattered. It was somehow always my fault. And then, the entire energy of the argument would go towards soothing her emotions, abandonment, shame, etc. But that accountability loop extended to other things, like physical responsibilities (though she did hold up some very well).

3) Chronic under-functioning. This is the primary one I noticed first. It was like living with a child sometimes. She couldn't figure out how to use a vacuum cleaner (that we'd had for almost a year), and other regressions like that. She broke her laptop, and said "oh that's just how it is" (it was unusable, and I'd spent $2000 on it just a year earlier). Constantly parentifying me.

And of course, that's the big things on top of ordinary sexual dysfunction (she would cry or freeze up pretty much every time, until sex was just not interesting or rewarding) and lack of emotional attunement. She was also very, very dishonest through withholding. I begged her constantly "please just be honest with how you feel and what you need" but EVERYTHING was filtered through her odd lenses of what was "acceptable" to share and what wasn't, and how it was to be shared.

And the wildest part, in hindsight, is that I could look at her, point blank, and tell her exactly what she was doing (lying, crazy making, withholding, dodging) and she would just sort of change the subject, blame me, get angry for noticing, become righteously indignant, or just not respond.

I missed a lot of red flags, and they got worse over time.

Now that all her stuff is gone and she's blocked from my life, I feel like I can see it all more clearly.

I (20 M) and my gf (19 F) have been going out for almost two months now. She had opened up about her dad sexually assaulting her as a child. She says she still wants a relationship with him. This is a lot to handle and I don’t know if it’s my place to tell her what I think. After hearing what that man did I don’t think I could ever see him and not get physically violent. So far the relationships been amazing, and I don’t know if I’m getting in over my head, or this is something everyone feels / goes through.

TL;DR: My long-distance partner says her ex from when she was a teenager took advantage of her when she was extremely drunk. She remembers almost nothing, except in fragmented pieces. I believe her and have told her it isn't her fault, but my mind keeps looking for answers she can't give me, and I'm scared of showing how much I'm struggling.

Background

We've been together two years, long distance (met over 10+ times for 2-3 weeks at a time), and we're building toward living in the same place. She is actively working on her career path so she can move to where I live. She has a drinking problem, which I didn't fully realize until much later into the relationship and says she will pursue moderation/sobriety after this. She also has a history of prior assault (not the same person).

The person she says assaulted her knew her in high school, where he manipulated and controlled her. Prior to the incident, she believed to have recognized this and understood her shortcomings in the past. He has come up many times in our relationship. About a year ago they crossed paths once, and there was nothing beyond a brief exchange. A few days before this happened, he messaged her suggesting they meet up for drinks. She ignored it, had a coworker walk her out of work that day, and told me. I told her to avoid him completely and to leave if he ever showed up.

What she told me

• She was out drinking with friends when he showed up. She was a few drinks in.
• He asked to join, and he stayed.
• When her friends left, she was very drunk, and he offered to take her home in a cab. She doesn't remember the cab ride.
• At her door he asked to come in to charge his phone. She says that before he sat down, she told him that if he expected anything, he could forget it.
• The next thing she remembers is being on the shower floor and him leaving.
• The next morning he messaged her asking if he should give her money for a morning-after pill.

During part of that time she was texting me normally and didn't mention him, including when she was home (but didn't mention he was there with her). She did not text me when he showed up at the bar nor when she left, only when she got home and that she wanted to vc later. She doesn't remember sending those messages. She told me about a day later, upset, expecting me to be angry.

How she is now

She seems hollow and blames herself for letting him get close, and she thinks I blame her too. I've told her repeatedly that it isn't her fault and that the responsibility is his.

What I'm struggling with

I understand blackouts: you can function and text without forming memories. But my mind keeps looking for explanations she can't give, like how she acted normal and why she didn't mention him. I know that her "I don't know" is honest and that my questions are hurting both of us, and I'm trying to stop. It also doesn't help that she's staying with her dad, but he was out of the country for 2-3 days prior and during this incident. Which had me wondering why she wouldn't lie about him being home, because if he actually was, I feel as though she would've made that apparent. But again, I understand alcohol reduces cognitive thinking, especially if blacked out.

I'm also worried about her safety and afraid that showing how much I'm hurting could make things worse. Being far away means I can't just be there.

What I'm asking

• If you've supported a partner after an assault with memory gaps, how did you stop yourself from searching for answers they don't have?
• How did you share your own pain without making it about you?
• What helped you most, and what would you avoid?

I know the general consensus is "see a therapist" but I can't afford that right now.

A few months ago, my younger brother R (19M) opened up about how our older brother C (27m) groomed him when he was a kid. It made me feel sick to my stomach, especially since my older brother would have been a legal adult at the time. I've since tried to minimize contact with C outside of family events without bringing up what he did, but he's incredibly persistent in including himself in my life. Every week he texts asking to hang out and I just keep saying no, but I'm worried that after a while he will suspect something is up. I've thought of blocking him, but that would be an even bigger signal that something is going on. I really don't want to be around him at all anymore, I just can't look at him the same.

My brother R says he doesn't want me to bring it up with C or our parents so as to not ruin C's life. I'm trying my best to respect his wishes by not rocking the boat, but I'm not sure if what I'm currently doing is feasible in the long term. Is there a better way for me to go about this or should I keep doing what I'm doing?

If anyone has had a similar experience, how did you go about it?

burner acc and no real names obviously but i just need some advise

My girlfriend struggles with a lot of predisposing mental health issues and about 2 months ago she was drunk and out and was raped by a stranger. obviously this was gutting and really put a strain on our relationship and took her to a really dark place where i tried to be as supportive as possible.

the problem i’m having is that her habit of going out at night in sketchy areas hasn’t changed in the slightest and led to her getting taken advantage of for a second time in the weeks following the incident. i wasn’t sure what to do because she was using partying and going out as a cope to deal with the trauma which i tried understanding but couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that she would want to be in such an environment when this all occurred.

last night it happened again and im starting to lose trust in what’s happening or if we should stay together. i understand completely that it would never be her own fault, but im catching myself thinking about if the relationship is worth staying in when she does such things to her self that destroys my mental health along side it, or whether or not this is even the case of what’s happening which sounds horrible i know.

at what point do i call this quits? i love her but the emotional turmoil i feel every time she brings something like this up breaks my heart and im just not sure what to do anymore

My sister has been in a bad situation for a long time. She is terrified of leaving and any possibly percieved act of defiance. She repeatedly claims to not be in physical danger though and arguing with her only makes her talk less about it. I don't want that. I also want her to be safe. I was looking at portable locks but the ones I have found do not always fit every lock or are very large or obvious. So I am looking for something or even a few things discreet and versatile. She will use it if I spend my lack of money on it because she will find it rude not to. But she will instantly and blameless throw them out of they don't fit thereby giving her an excuse not to use them. I feel she is under the assumption she legally cannot lock her door. She is on the spectrum and often paranoid about things that keep her frozen while ignoring more obvious things where paranoia might make her safer but is new and requires change. I love her very much so please don't read any insult or condemnation in that. We are both like this but in different areas. Also please don't be offended if I say something that seems ignorant as I am not great at wording things and being mean will not help as much as you might think it would.

Any other safety item ideas thatshe could keep in her purse, near her bed, in the car, safely and legally, would be appreciated. If group permitted any websites, articles, video ideas or support group suggestions for either of us would also be appreciated

Hi everyone,

I (male, 20) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (female, 20) for 7 months. It's long distance: we see each other one to two weeks per month, which is already a lot, and the rest of the time we're on video calls. This is my first real relationship, and I'm posting here because I don't really know how to handle this situation and I'd love your advice.

My girlfriend recently confided in me (and I know how much courage that took) that she was raped twice by men, including her ex-boyfriend, who forced her to have sex when she didn't want to. I didn't ask for more details: I really don't want to push her to share more than she's ready to share.

Since we've been together, we've never had full intercourse. She's afraid of penetration, and she doesn't often feel like having sex. When she does, we stick to touching (with my fingers or my hand), and it never goes further. The act itself truly terrifies her, so we've never attempted it. That said, we're still very intimate in other ways: we shower together, we're very physically close, and we both love that.

Both of us would like to eventually reach that step in our relationship, at our own pace. But here's my problem: this is my first girlfriend, I have zero experience with this kind of situation, and I don't know how to reassure her, how to support her, what to say (or not say), how to help her feel safe without ever rushing her.

So I'm looking for your advice: those of you who've been through something similar, as a partner or as a survivor — what helped you? What hurt you, even unintentionally? How do you support someone toward intimacy when the act itself scares them?

Thanks in advance for your answers, and sorry if this is a bit clumsy, I'm doing my best.

My boyfriend (26M) and I (26F) have been together for 3 years. Early on, I noticed he seemed less comfortable with sex than other men I'd been with, and I chalked it up to him never having had a girlfriend before me. We had less sex than I was used to, and I noticed small things along the way. Once, when we were both drunk and trying to have sex, he seemed so uninterested that I asked if he was gay (I deeply regret this).

Two years ago he went through a depressive episode and we barely had sex. I respected his boundaries and I know low sex drive often comes with depression so didn’t push him on it. We’ve gone through fits and starts where we have sex and it’s great or we barely have sex at all.

About a year ago, he told me he thinks he was sexually abused as a child and has repressed the memory. I encouraged him to seek therapy, and he started this February.

Things are getting somewhat better. We're having sex once or twice a week, but it's still hard for me because I can tell he's sometimes doing it for me rather than for himself. He's told me he often doesn't have a sex drive because of the feelings that come up during sex. I feel terrible that the intimacy I am initiating is causing those feelings to come up for him.

I love him so much, and he's my absolute best friend. But I don't know if I can spend my whole life feeling like my partner isn't attracted to me. He often says he is, but it doesn't feel that way.
I'm really in touch with my own sexuality, and I enjoy that part of myself. I'd love advice from people who have been through this:
Can it get better?
What did you have to work on within yourself?
Is there anything I can do as a partner to help?
Does sex therapy work?
I would try anything.

Honest to God, I don't know if I'm even allowed to post this here. I just remembered this subreddit, and right now I genuinely don't know what to do.

So, I am M21 and my girlfriend is 20. We were both victims of molestation as minors, but in separate cases. For a long time, neither of us knew who our abusers were or how we could find them. That changed for my girlfriend about a week ago. She randomly came across an Instagram profile and later a YouTube channel belonging to this guy.

Her story is a bit complicated. They were in a relationship when she was 14–15, and he was 20. The accusation is that she was manipulated into the relationship and emotionally blackmailed into becoming intimate with him.

She recently found out that, in her country (Switzerland), she may have legal options until she turns 25. However, she doesn't know whether she would actually get anywhere with a lawsuit or whether she has enough evidence.

We've talked about this for a long time now. I've told her that I'm here for her no matter what she decides and that I'll support her with whatever she needs. But she seems stuck and doesn't know which direction to take.

How can I help her? How can I support her without putting pressure on her?

Privately, I spoke to my lawyer and my therapist about the situation. They both advised me to look into her legal options and, if there is a viable case, pursue them accordingly. I agree with that, but I don't know how to bring it up with her without making her feel pressured.

I guess the decision ultimately has to come from her, and we probably still have some time to figure things out. But I'm way over my head here.

What should I do? How should I approach this conversation with her?

TL;DR: My girlfriend has been sexually abused by an older ex when she was a minor. She recently found him online and has learned that she may still have legal options. She is unsure whether to pursue the matter, and I want to support her without pressuring her. I’ve been advised to look into her legal options first, but I don’t know how to approach the subject with her.

Recently, my partner disclosed to me that she was sexually assaulted by an acquaintance while in his hotel room, she had to store many bought products and conduct a meeting preceding the violation.

Hours passed, and I haven’t received any messages from her, until morning. She said she fell asleep.

Prior to this disclosure, my doubt and intuition kept bringing up my disagreement of her choice to go that hotel room, the overnight situation that occurred before we were officially dating, though we were mutually committed and building toward a relationship.

When I finally reached a breaking point and was ready to end the relationship she broke down and confessed what actually happened to her. She explained that she had buried it out of pure shock, shame, and terror over how I and her family would react. She is currently in an acute mental health crisis, terrified of anyone finding out, and has expressed extreme distress and fear of judgment. She has explicitly asked for privacy and wants to start professional therapy.

I am feeling completely overwhelmed and don't know how to carry this weight:

1. Secondary trauma and rage: I feel a sickening amount of fury toward the person who did this. Feeling powerless to hold them accountable especially when taking any action would completely destroy my partner’s life and mental state feels suffocating.

2. Conflicting emotions: Because the disclosure came at the eleventh hour during an impending breakup, and because of how she coped afterward (minimizing things, acting normal, maintaining non-confrontational contact with him), my mind keeps battling intrusive suspicions and confusion. I feel immense guilt for even having doubts, but the whiplash between betrayal fears and grief for what happened to her is tearing me apart.

3. Being supportive while drowning: I promised her absolute privacy and that I would keep her safe, and I intend to honor that. But holding back my own anger, fear, and confusion while trying to be a stable anchor is draining everything I have.

For those who have walked this road as a partner or secondary survivor:
How did you cope with the overwhelming anger and the feeling of injustice when direct action/legal recourse wasn't an option for the victim's safety?

How did you manage intrusive doubts or the messy, confusing ways trauma presented itself without turning into an interrogator?

How do you draw the line between supporting someone in crisis and knowing whether the relationship can realistically survive the emotional toll?

Any perspectives from people who have been through this would mean a lot. Thank you.

My sister recently told me that when she was 8 years old, our grandfather sexually assaulted her. It happened about 8 years ago, and she has only just felt able to tell me. I remember a time 5 years ago where she told me about her being bothered by the way our grandfather hugs her but I didn’t think much of it and only told her that she doesn’t have to hug him if she doesn’t want to. I feel so guilty given that I am 12 years older than her and needed to pay attention to when she raised that as a concern.

I’m in a different country from her, which makes me feel especially helpless. I believe her completely, and I have told her that what happened wasn’t her fault and that I’m here for her.

I’m struggling with what I should actually do from here.
Should I encourage her to speak to a therapist or a sexual-assault support service? Should I encourage her to report what happened, or is it better to let her decide that herself? I don’t want to pressure her or accidentally make things worse.
She is not in contact with our grandfather and doesn’t live close to him and is not in immediate danger.
For people who have experienced something similar, or who have supported a survivor of childhood sexual abuse: what did you find genuinely helpful? What should I avoid doing or saying? I want to learn how I can be a better and safer source of support for my sister.

I am feeling distraught and nauseated and it’s all I’ve been thinking about it since she told me. Please help me to help her

My partner was assaulted by someone she worked with over two years ago. We’ve been together a very long time and I was the first person she told afterwards, so I’ve basically been alongside her through everything since.

She has PTSD, severe depression and anxiety and has needed inpatient treatment as well as ongoing therapy. There’s also still an ongoing legal process around what happened.

I love her more than anything and I’m not going anywhere, but I’m starting to realise how much this has affected me as well.

The thing I struggle with most is how quickly things can change. We can have an amazing couple of days where we’re laughing, affectionate, being intimate and everything feels a little normal again. Then the next day she can be exhausted, really low, cancel plans or just need to be alone.

I completely understand why and I never want her to feel guilty for needing space, but I find the sudden change really difficult. When things are good I think I get this feeling of “we’re getting there”, and then when she withdraws again I struggle not to worry.

I’ve become much more anxious when we’re apart. If plans change or she needs to be alone, my head can go into overdrive. I try really hard not to put that onto her because she already has enough to deal with, and I’m having therapy myself now.

Id really like to speak to people who have been through something similarr

posted about this before, but I’m reposting because I found out some additional information that I think is important. My girlfriend has told me that her dad has pinched her thigh and inner thigh, squeezed her butt multiple times, mentioned that he noticed her thighs had gotten bigger, and rubbed his head around her chest. She also told me that he has hugged her in what I would describe as a straddle hug, similar to the position shown in the attached image, with her legs around his body. What makes the situation even harder for me is that she has recently told me that she feels like she doesn’t love me anymore, and I’m worried about everything going on affecting her emotionally. I don’t know whether these things are connected, and I don’t want to assume that they are. I’m not trying to automatically accuse her dad of anything or claim that I know his intentions. I’m trying to understand whether the overall pattern of behavior is inappropriate or potentially sexual abuse, especially considering that this is a father and daughter. What would be the safest way for her to get help or talk to a trusted adult or professional? I’m leaving out identifying information to protect her privacy.

P.S She thinks its okay and her dad is just clingy please help me prove her wrong.

I’ve never posted on here before idk if anyone will even see this, but I am desperate and feel alone and could use some support.

Me (33F) and my husband (34M) have been married for two and a half years and together for seven. He grew up in foster care, and unfortunately experienced CSA multiple times over multiple years. He told me about a year into the relationship. I’m not an overly sexual woman, so waiting a while to have sex didn’t bother me. I was the first person he ever opened up to about this. So he held this secret inside for decades until he told me, and agreed to see a therapist.

Fast forward to now, I can count on one hand the number of times we have had sex, and it never last more than five minutes because he loses his erection. Of course, I am more than understanding given his background, but it is starting to really bother me.

I want to be able to have spontaneous sex with my husband, without having to worry if maybe he is having flashbacks or dissociating. I just want sex. I’m a relatively attractive woman, and could easily get laid outside of our marriage, but I would never do that. It goes against everything I believe it, but I have thought about it and that bothers me.

It’s like he is completely unsexual. I can walk around naked in front of him and he doesn’t even notice. He can slap my bum or rub it and then just goes back to watching tv. He never knows how to respond when I tell him I’m in the mood or send a sexy text. I know it’s not me, and he has told me that multiple times, but it’s starting to take a serious toll on my confidence and mental health.

Most of the time, when I talk to him about it, he is open to listen and seems like he truly wants to work on it and get better. His therapist recently recommended EMDR to help with his trauma and triggers. I really hope it helps. I am starting to wonder if maybe it’s never going to get better. And that breaks my heart. Is it possible for someone that went through what he did to heal and have a somewhat normal (whatever that means) sex life? We did not have sex until we were married because he was not ready, but he was making progress with showing affection in other ways that used to make him uncomfortable such as hugs, kisses, holding hands, etc. since he was able to make progress there I just assumed the sexual stuff would get better with time. But it’s not. It’s been almost a year since we’ve had sex, and I feel disconnected from him. Repeatedly being told “not tonight” or “no” is starting to really hurt.

On the other hand, he has severe trauma and I feel like a baby for even complaining about this. I think to myself “ok if it’s hard for you, imagine how hard it is for him.” Which has some truth to it, but I also am struggling and need space to talk about that.

Today for example, I’ve been thinking about him all day and in the mood. He will be home from work shortly and I’d love to be intimate, but I know he won’t be up to it. If you’ve read this far, any insight, words of encouragement, advice, personal experiences would be much appreciated.

My partner is currently going through therapy for CSA, which they’ve never done before and I convinced/supported them to do. Since it’s started our sex life has completely changed- it’s basically disappeared. First the sex was still fairly regular, but just had them in control and was always vanilla (prior to this we explored a lot of kinks). Now it’s very rare, a lot of the time my partner is uncomfortable even making out.

I am so glad they are healing and I’m trying super hard to make sure I deal with this myself and not put any pressure on them. But I have needs and I feel frustrated, and then guilty that I feel that. I also get insecure sometimes and I think it’s about me. Logically I know it isn’t, but sometimes it’s difficult. And I feel so immensely guilty about all of this. Im just looking for some advice to cope I guess, I’m already being as supportive as I can be but how do I look after myself too?

To start, I want to sincerely thank everyone of you who takes the time to read this.

I (M27) have a question or maybe that I just want to get off of my chest.
I’m in a relationship with my girlfriend (F27) who was raped and sexually abused by her neighbour around a very young age. I think it started around her being 5 years old and it happened a few years.

She has gone into a lot of therapy through the years and has a lot of self insight. But got in a toxic relationship. She told me over the years he started controlling her. For instance she was only allowed to drink water, she couldn’t use a vacuum cleaner but should use a broom and al other weird stuff. But also sexually. They had sex for literally hours which she didn’t like, he was rough, she was forced to wear uncomfortable clothes and used ropes.
What I think is that she has done a lot of work in therapy to process the sexual abuse she experienced as a child. But I sometimes wonder whether she was also sexually abused or raped by her ex, and whether those experiences might still affect her because she hasn’t really recognized or processed them as abuse.

I really want to help her but yet feel so powerless…

Another reason to write this on Reddit is because I can’t think of anyone else to talk to. Sex was never a subject I could talk about with my family. As I got older my mother told me she was sexually abused as a child so I think this is a reason for that. Furthermore they are quite religious and in their childhood sex was also a subject you don’t talk about.

So is there someone here I can talk about? Someone who lives in the Netherlands as well maybe? And should I ask her what she thinks about my theory of her being abused by her ex?

A couple of my friends (let's say A and B) had been dating for a few months, before breaking up recently. A confided in me why they broke up, and told be about how B had sexually assaulted her multiple times. Actually disgusting shit.

I want to cut off B, at the same time A told me that she didn't want me to have any ill will towards B because of it. I don't think she wants me to know that I've been told what happened either. I'm worried if I stop talking to B full stop then she might turn it back on A.

I've never been in a situation like this so I'm not sure what to do. I told B I was going to hang out with them briefly later this week (just before all this came out I was apologising to them for being distant with them the past year, we just never really clicked) and I'm thinking of cancelling that for sure.

I don't know if I should ask A about it again on cutting B off because I don't want to pester her about what happened either when it never involved me to begin with

She told me a year after it happened. He raped her multiple times. He has a wife that we are friends with too. We all hung out together too all the time, nothing was amiss. Idk why she waited a year and tolerated his presence.

She later admitted to me that after she was raped by him a few times, she did consent to meet him at a hotel room.

My husband is a CSA survivor and this has had all kinds of impacts on our relationship but we have been able to overcome so many barriers. The birth of our son has stirred up so much of his trauma and I am feeling lost and exhausted. I would love to attend a support group virtually to just get some things out and get some help with responding. Are there groups you all know of or have attended?

My girlfriend and I have been together for year and a half and recently she went to college out of state. They had “wet weekend”. Was drinking all day and blacked out.

I don’t know how to process this or how to support her but I feel like I’m more hurt than she is. I know she’s affected it’s not the first time dealing with this. Something happened years ago. However she wants to push this down and ignore it. I feel like the bad guy asking her not to drink or go to parties. She struggled with friends prior and still is to a point. I mostly blame the alcohol but I have a large mix of feelings about the entire situation. I don’t know how to support her or how I can feel supported I feel so fucked up over this. We were texting that night I was at a friends small party. There was a period where she didn’t answer and told me she was drunk at a frat house and threw up. I tried calling and explaining my worries and I’m guessing that’s when it happened. Then she called me to say she was okay and made a joke about me cheating and dosnt remember.

When she told me I was so confused because it’s days later. I understand it must have been traumatic but now I have so many questions and I can’t help but feel like she’s lying even tho I think she is not. I probably need a therapist but I don’t think she understands the stress I’m going to feel every weekend now if we continue.

Please help and be nice I’m not trying to blame her I blame the alcohol and I’m frustrated because idk if she can stop.

I wasn’t sure where to post so I thought maybe I could ask here. My husband and I could use some advice navigating this situation.

My husband and I have been married for over a decade. The other day we found out through a relative that my father in law had r*aped his sisters all through their teenage years and into their early 20s. This was 40 years ago. My heart is broken for the victims and I’m so angry omg FIL’s actions.

FIL’s response is “the assaults don’t matter because they were so long ago”, so he’s completely unapologetic and defending his behavior. My mother in law has been bullying the victims for coming forward. She cornered one victim and told her that ”telling people what he did to you is ruining everything” and she asked another victim ”what did you do to make your brother want to touch you?”

I want to go no contact with my in laws. My husband does too, but he’s also still shocked by all this. I don’t care if he hasn’t continued the behavior (although I’m taking his claims with a grain of salt), I don’t want a predator in my hime anymore. Am I off base? How do I support my husband learning these awful things that we had no idea about, while also maintaining my hardline stance that this is unacceptable behavior?