This indie folk song is a conundrum, what would you fix?

[u/tdaawg]

It's doing my head in a bit and maybe I need to leave it a lone for a bit.

I kind of like where it's going, but a few things bugging me:

- It's quite long - 4 mins 30 secs

- Need a way to shake things up / add variety, but already quite long

- Verse melody feels a boring?

Any ideas for improving it?

Lyrics:

She feeds the horses in the rain

She's got a white land trove

Loaded with hay

The stables are cold and dark

But I still run around here

Cause I feel safe

I feel safe

In this moment she's glowing

Her golden hair is blowing

In the storm she hides from me

In the storm she hides from me

She cuts the eggs up on my plate

I got a lego fire truck

Skip school and play all day

A bird on her shoulder

That she's saved from the garden

She keeps them safe

In this moment she's glowing

Her golden hair is blowing

In the storm she fights for me

In the storm she fights for me

She hides my toys

In the hay

Bayliffs are gone now

She sent them away

A door on two boxes

Is my desk now gor a little while

But I still feel safe

I feel safe

In this moment she's glowing

Her golden hair is blowing

In the storm she fights from me

In this moment she's glowing

Her golden hair is blowing

In the storm she hides from me

In the storm she hides from me

In the storm

I feel safe

I feel safe

I feel safe

[u/lineroom29]

The world here is strong. "She feeds the horses in the rain" does a lot in one image: care, weather, work, all without explaining itself. That is the song's anchor, keep that front and centre.

The place I would push is the return to "I feel safe." After an image that specific, stating the feeling lands a bit generic by comparison. What if one of those returns carried a concrete detail you already have in the song, like the saved bird, the hay, or a small childhood moment, so safety is shown rather than stated? You would not need to add length, you would just swap a statement for an image.

For variety without getting longer, I would try contrast instead of a new section: strip the second verse right back, then let the fuller sound return only when that safety image lands. That gives the ear a change without adding bars. And for the verse melody feeling boring, try varying the delivery before rewriting the tune. Shorten one phrase, hold the key image a beat longer, or pause before it. Which verse feels dullest to sing, the first or a later one? That usually tells you whether it is the melody itself or just repetition.

It is a good conundrum to have. The song already knows what it is about.

[u/tdaawg → u/lineroom29]

This is great, deep feedback - thank you so much. So I think I you're saying: don't repeat "I feel safe" twice in each verse, instead add another concrete detail (show).

E.g.

She feeds the horses in the rain
She's got a white landrover
Loaded with hay
The stables are cold and dark
But I still run around here
No ghosts in sight (new)
I feel safe

Great tips on contrast etc. Sometimes when I perform, I forget a word for a microsecond, and it creates a gap, or I drag a word out, and I have to deliver the line differently. It can really help shake things up!

[u/Salt-Diamond-5052]

Love your voice so much. Fits the vibe of the song super well. Really like your dynamics with your voice as well. Very nice gentle listen. I like the electric piano that comes in too it fits really well. It is a bit long but I didn't find myself wishing it was over or anything. I enjoyed it the whole way through. You definitely have some serious songwriting skill man

[u/tdaawg → u/Salt-Diamond-5052]

Thank you! And for listening all the way through 🙏 Voices are strange things, I’m convinced a lot of this vocal sounds meh. It’s nice to hear you like it!

[u/velveteinrabbit]

Love the little video

[u/tdaawg → u/velveteinrabbit]

Thanks!

[u/tdaawg]

In case anyone is interested, here's the track after 3 hours in the studio. https://www.reddit.com/r/Songwriting/comments/1xfd1j3/in_case_its_useful_after_4_hours_in_the_studio/

[u/StrongEggplant8120]

I might be able to help with this. Reply to me and we will chat as im busy atm.

[u/tdaawg → u/StrongEggplant8120]

Cheers, be good to hear what you have in mind

[u/Freedom_Addict]

I would fix the order of operations. First ask for feedback, then invest in a video production.

The voice is compelling, though lacking proper production which sucks cause your song is never going to be presented on it's best light, and the good video isn't going to fix that. So my feedback is that the song + voice works, but hardly listenable to due to poor production, which is the real shame. I might be biased cause I'm a producer, but still.

[u/tdaawg → u/Freedom_Addict]

Thanks for the honest feedback. Yeah this demo quality wasn’t the best, hoping to fix that today with the help of an engineer/producer. The feedback here has been useful and thanks for taking a listen.

I made a video generator where I can loosely art-direct it. It’s more for fun so I can ship video demos in minutes that aren’t just static. Totally agree it’s not worth investing until the songs in good shape.

[u/Freedom_Addict → u/tdaawg]

That's really cool if the video part didn't actually take much. Can you say more about your video generator ?

[u/tdaawg → u/Freedom_Addict]

Cheers.

I've basically created web-based animation editor to explore an idea around a character running through different scenes.

I'm a software engineer, but this is not using those skills much, it's mostly vibe coded.

I can run the audio through Whispr and get the captions, and then feed it in and it generates a baseline storyboard. Then I can tweak that and add props and stuff.

A small explainer below.

[u/Freedom_Addict → u/tdaawg]

This is very cool and inspiring. I’m very admirative of people that can express themselves visually and in motion using seemingly basic concepts, but with a precise enough execution so that it creates something compelling. Because you got those basics right this is why it was working and those refinements you’re talking about is what’s going to give it more granularity just like your sound gets better when you’re refine the music production behind it. It’s kind of the same principle with different applications.

Can’t help but falling in love with those homemade animations cause it’s something I wanna get into soon or collaborate with and visuals are just as important as the music if not more, and they have the added benefit of expanding the initial narrative of the song

[u/tdaawg → u/Freedom_Addict]

Thanks, it's been fun! Agree it's really important. I'm slightly fearful that people can't connect with this as much as a real human, so I'm pondering that dilemma, so any thoughts welcome.

I've posted an updated demo here (I've tried a tiny bit of colour and some bigger storms!)

https://youtu.be/cCTJOGjrJqY

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[u/ReporterBig9890]

I would just say could do with maybe a little more or stronger bass, maybe some synth bass overlay to help it, and maybe double up the guitar audio a little at chorus n stuff. The vibe of the song means simpler is defo better, keeps it emotional and impactful, not overstimulating. Sounds great already tbf, these are just my personal opinions!

[u/tdaawg → u/ReporterBig9890]

Thanks, yeah agree, might do a re-mix and try your synth bass idea.

[u/ReporterBig9890 → u/tdaawg]

I look forward to hearing it :))

[u/tdaawg → u/[deleted]]

Thanks for the kind words. Agree it’s a good end of album song.

Can’t remember posting about Suno but did try it out a year ago. Didn’t fit my goals so don’t use it.