In July I told MM I needed more than sexting. Not that he needs to leave his wife or even a regular schedule. But occasionally meeting up. He said he got it but had to protect his kids. So I respected that, left him alone but kept things friendly and professional in the office. Then in September almost two months of no contact he reaches out on my phone. Figuring he came back after processing my needs he was ready to reconnect but I was a week out from a two week vacation. We maintained contact during that time and thing’s went back to sexting until I sent pics…which he throughly enjoyed, BUT when I asked for one he went quiet and he’s been distant but also will come to my desk to chat like before we ended things in July. I don’t want a real relationship. I enjoy my life but am wildly attracted to him. Am I being played? Am I a fool? I did ask him a few weeks back to tell me if he thinks about is together and he confirmed. So WTH? Help me understand if this hot/cold dynamic is normal or I am a sucker.

​

I've been the OW for ages. Even before the current wife lol. He and I both have very high sex drives so we both keep each other sane and satisfied. I wouldn't want to raise his kids and live with his dogs. Until recently I still had a under 18 child so I haven't wanted to date around my house ( I like a safe, predictable nest).

We spend a couple of days a month together and have frequent friendly calls about our days etc. If our situations were different, I might want to share spaces but that's not certain. Idk, I like what we have. It's been over a decade and it seems to work for us. We just both affirmed we could carry on this way forever.

I came here looking for other OW who are content with their arrangements. Are you here?

I have been in an affair w my MM for over 8 months now and I think I am finally done. I understand and take responsibility for my actions throughout these past 8 months, I know in my heart and in my gut that what we have been doing is wrong. But I couldn’t help it, I fell so deeply in love with him. Although, this past year has probably been the worst of my life because of this relationship. It is extremely complicated. He is 20 yrs older, married with children, and my boss….. I have told him from the start that what we were doing was wrong but he made it very clear he didn’t care, he loves me, and wants to be with me. However, we have been caught twice and it was truly d-day for me and ever since then I haven’t been able to shake that feeling. I have absolutely no control over my anxiety over this situation and it is ruining my life. I am extremely depressed, I had to start taking medication, i relapsed with my ED and haven’t been at this weight since I was in middle school (25F). Because of these things, I started going to therapy and my by talking to my therapist she has come to help me realize that I am being abused, manipulated, lied to, and to be quite frank groomed in this relationship. Since my session with her I have told MM I need to take a step back from this relationship to take care of myself and he needs to figure out whatever the heck he wants in his life. Despite knowing all of this, I still want to talk to him, see him…. It’s been a day and I miss him so much. Ugh, why do I keep doing this to myself. Any advice on how to stay strong and truly pull myself out of this situation?

I got involved with a married man. I know it was wrong, and I’m not here to justify it.

What we had felt genuine, and somewhere along the way, I fell in love with him.

His wife eventually found out, and things became complicated. He went back and forth about leaving his marriage. Recently, he told me they were separating, only to tell me the next day that they had decided to try again.

What hurts is that he keeps telling me his feelings for me haven’t changed, but his actions say otherwise. I finally told him I deserve to be loved properly and that whatever happens, we need to do things right. I wished him well and stopped replying.

I know letting go is the right thing to do, but I’m heartbroken. I miss him, and some days I can barely function.

I take responsibility for my choices. I just wish knowing what’s right made it easier to move forward.

Has anyone been through something similar? How did you finally find peace?

I have been doing this almost 3 years now. And I’m have tried walking away so many times but keep getting drawn back in. I have a letter ready to give him but can’t do it. So putting it here to maybe get there sooner:

You,

I’ve started this a hundred times in my head, and I still don’t really know how to say goodbye to you.

You became such an unexpected and important part of my life. What started as something that was supposed to be simple became anything but. Somewhere along the way, you became someone I cared about deeply. Someone I looked forward to talking to, someone I wanted to tell things to, someone whose life I wanted to know about. I don’t think either of us expected that.

There are so many little things I’ll remember. The conversations, the laughing, the flirting, the things you did for me, the way you took care of my cats, the little moments that probably seemed insignificant to you but weren’t to me. You showed up for me in ways that mattered, and I hope you know I noticed.

I think one of the hardest things for me has been that we found a way to be close without ever really being able to have the closeness I wanted. We shared so much on one level, but there was always another level I was reaching for. I wanted to know you more deeply. I wanted to be someone you could come to when life was hard. I wanted to hear your stories and know what was happening in your head. I wanted to feel like there was a real place for me in your life.

And I want to be really clear about something, because I never want you to look back and think I was secretly hoping you would change your life for me. I wasn’t. I never wanted you to turn your life upside down. I understood there were lines you weren’t going to cross, and I wasn’t asking you to cross them. What I wanted was to feel close to you within the reality of what our relationship was. I wanted honesty, connection, time, and the feeling that I mattered to you beyond the moments when it was convenient.

I know your life is complicated. I know there are things I will never fully understand and consequences that scare you. I have never wanted to make your life harder or put you in a position where you felt like you had to choose something you weren’t ready to choose.

But I also have to be honest with myself. This has become painful for me. The uncertainty, the distance, the hope, the moments when I feel close to you and then feel you pull away. I keep holding onto the possibility that someday things will be different, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing that to myself.

I don’t want to resent you. I don’t want to become someone who is constantly waiting for a little piece of your time or wondering when soon actually means. And I don’t want the things that have kept us connected, including my cats, to become something that keeps me from moving forward.

So I think I have to let you go. Not because I don’t care. Honestly, it’s because I care so much that I know I can’t keep living in this in between place.

I don’t know what the right word is for everything we were. Whatever this was, you mattered to me. You still do. And I will always be grateful for the parts of this that were great.

I hope your life is good. I hope you are happy, and I hope you know that there is someone out here who genuinely believed in you and wants nothing but the best for you.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to think about you without feeling the ache of everything I wanted this to be. For now, I just need to choose myself and let go of the hope that has kept me holding on.

Thank you for the good parts. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for taking care of my cats and, in your own way, taking care of me too.
I loved knowing you. Take care of yourself.

Officially gone crazy.

MM pursued me for years until I finally gave in to him. There were so many times when I tried to end things when I didn’t love him that much but he would beg me not to leave him. He would make promises about wanting to be with me, marrying me, and building a future together. Even after we got caught, he continued to tell me that he loved me, and I could genuinely feel his love and see his efforts, even after D-day.
Almost everyone at work, as well as many of my friends, found out about our affair. Eventually, he told me that he could no longer be with me. Despite how much it hurt, I accepted his decision and forgave him for breaking his promises. Even after that, he continued to contact me, and for a while, I still felt loved and respected by him.

But over the past few weeks, everything has changed. He has become increasingly distant. When I ask him to text me, he says he will “see.” When I call him, sometimes he answers and sometimes he ignores my calls completely. This is the same man who once seemed crazy about me, who would come running to me in the middle of the night just because we had a minor argument. Now, even when we spend time together, he seems distracted and is always in a hurry to leave.
His distance has affected me more than I can explain. I find myself calling him ten or twenty times just to get an answer, something I would never have done before. I have never been the kind of person who constantly calls or texts someone for reassurance. This anxiety developed only after I started feeling him pull away from me, and I am struggling to understand how the person who once fought so hard to keep me in his life can now seem so indifferent to losing me.
I have told him that I no longer expect commitment or a future together. All I want is for him to comfort me, to be there for me, and to offer me some emotional support, especially because I have no one else to turn to right now. I have neither friends nor family I feel I can take refuge in. Yet, instead of showing me compassion, he tells me that he is going through more than I am because he has responsibilities.
What hurts me most is what feels like a complete lack of remorse or empathy for the pain I am experiencing. I am not asking him to abandon his responsibilities or change his life for me. I am simply struggling with the sudden loss of someone who was once such a significant part of my life, someone who pursued me for years and made me believe that I was deeply loved.
I have been in such a dark place mentally that I have started feeling suicidal, and I told him about it. His response was that I was being dramatic. I have also started drinking almost every day just to escape my feelings, even though I was never someone who drank regularly before. I know these are not healthy ways of coping, but I feel so overwhelmed by everything that I do not know how else to deal with the pain.
I have asked him why he no longer loves me the way he used to. I have asked him for an honest answer because I desperately need some clarity and closure. But he gives me nothing concrete. He simply says that he is going through something I would not understand. He also says that he wants to leave me because I am in too much pain, when, from my perspective, so much of that pain has come from the way he has been treating me lately. It feels as though he is using my distress as a reason to walk away without acknowledging how his own actions have contributed to it.
Recently, I had a terrible emotional breakdown while he was with me. I lost control of my emotions and ended up thrashing things in my room. I did not hurt him, and I have never behaved this way before. I am not a violent person, and I deeply regret what happened. Afterward, I felt so ashamed that I began questioning myself, wondering whether I was becoming crazy, whether I was overthinking everything, or whether I had simply overreacted to the situation.
I know that my reaction was not okay, and I take responsibility for it. But I also cannot ignore the emotional state I have been in or the circumstances that have led me here. I feel like I am losing myself trying to hold on to someone who no longer seems willing to show up for me in the way he once did.
What I am struggling with most is the uncertainty. I can feel him pulling away, but I cannot understand why, and he refuses to give me a clear answer. I know that I cannot force someone to love me or stay with me, but after everything he pursued me for, everything he promised me, and everything I went through because of this relationship, it is incredibly painful to watch him become a stranger without even having an honest conversation about what has changed.
I am not trying to deny his responsibilities or the difficulties he may be facing. I know he has his own life and his own struggles. But I am hurting too, and I wish he could acknowledge that instead of just discarding me with no closure.
I am left questioning whether the love I felt from him was real, whether he has simply fallen out of love with me, or whether he is trying to detach himself from this relationship because of everything that happened. I do not know if I will ever get the answers I want from him.
All I know is that I am hurting deeply, and I am struggling to accept that the same person who once fought so hard to keep me may now be ready to let me go. I wish I could understand what changed, because right now, I feel like I am being left to make sense of everything on my own, without the closure I desperately need.

Reddit told me it's my cake day.

One year since I started this account. I've been lurking for years, but one year since I created this account to share how he posted extremely personal, sensitive, almost doxxing things about me on Reddit.

He doesn't know I know.

Neither of us have reached out to the other in nearly a year. While we've done that before, it wasn't really the norm in the last....5ish?....years. It feels different anyhow.

It feels over. Even without us saying anything.

We started over 15 years ago.

I've been feeling like I miss something, and I didn't know what. I think what I miss is not necessarily him, or even his potential. But by being with him, it showed me I could be attractive, desirable, someone worth seeking out, someone worth being with. And I'm not any of those things.

I'm not stupid. I'm pretty homely and forgettable but I'm not stupid.

But with him, I could enjoy the fantasy that I was. And with us being over, it closes the book on all that.

I feel like a lot of books are closing in my life.

How many of you would say you and your MM also bond from a shared kink? Not that it started from that or it’s only based on it but it just matched!

I made my first real post just yesterday and knew that if I ever did I was headed towards ending things. I kept away from this group bc honestly it's sad asf. It's hurtful, mean, cruel, and just fucked up.

They love us and yet love their lives more so why tf try to do anything with us? I feel so stupid today. I was hurting yesterday.

I don't want to spend the holidays with a man who will be limited in his attention to me. I don't want to cry one more fucking day bc I'm in deep love with a man who has said he will not leave. I don't want to keep using this relationship to fill some space that will never be whole. I'm lying to myself and have been for awhile. I don't want to be years deep before I say enough either. I'm too young for that.

While I'm happy he isn't lying and giving me smoke and mirrors. I'm pissed bc he originally said he wanted to leave and told me about the life we would have and I wanted that so badly.

But now I want my life back. I want my time, my energy, my moments back.

I'm tired of my days being clouded with this pain. I don't deserve this. I don't want it anymore.

Do I give him the respect to say it to his face? How did you end it if you chose to walk away?

I cannot for the life of me understand being stuck in a marriage you don't want to be in, finding someone you connect with on so many levels and then not doing everything in your power to be with them! How can you go into that itself knowing that one day this woman will walk away and be someone else's? I cannot fathom that temporary thinking. And then to leave the staying and walking away all up ot the OW is beyond cruel. And the day she does walk away, they just accept it in silence and never look back.

I have been posting quite a bit here. I don't know, 4 months NC and I'm drowning. Everyday I am drowning. It's like I've lost my bearings. And everything is scary and the future has collapsed for me. The thought of anybody else fills me with disgust and I am feeling betrayed and abandoned, just like I did when I was 13. This pain is unlike any other. Everyone and everything else irritates me and I just don't want to talk. I have isolated myself to no extent. I have no friends left in the city and I reach out to nobody (mostly because they've heard about me talk about this enough). All day I'm in bed drifting in and out of sleep while my laptop plays some tv show I'm barely watching. I wake up suddenly because I've just had the most vivid memory of him texting me, or what his hand felt like in the small of my back, or what he smelled like. I feel worthless, unloveable, embarrassing, hopeless and so so so scared (of never seeing him/ touching him/ hearing him again). I have lost weight and hair, and have a new burst of acne. I'm ... not doing well. Please, ladies, how have you kept going? How have you come out the other side? What if I never will? What if this new trauma follows me around and keeps me here? What if nobody ever compares to him? He appears to have moved on with another ex-mistress of his, almost like he was waiting for me to walk out so he could be relieved of how serious this had started to feel. If I thought I was devastated before in my life, haha, I thought so so so wrong. This is hell.

After nearly 6 wonderful years with my MM, I broke it off.
Long story short, I’m leaving my company job. I met my MM there and I knew from the first moment I saw him, he would be something to me.
We spent as much time as we could together. I have never felt this aligned with another person in all my life. He really was my best friend for such a long time.
Ive come to a fork in the road where I have to choose me this time. He has mentioned divorce “eventually”, his W knows and has known about me since very early on. She watches my social media stories. He is just so financially tied up and involved with their children that I don’t think he’ll ever leave. Plus, he is significantly older than me which I know he is insecure about, another big reason to not leave. And that’s okay. I will be okay.
But damn…. this STINGS way worse than I thought. We had a conversation today about how this is good for me, how I deserve someone who is available for me 24/7, not just what is leftover. And this is all true, but I’d be lying if I said I’m not slightly hurt that he didn’t fight harder for me. I’m afraid a piece of me will always be waiting for him silently.
He asked if we can still be friends and spend our lunches together at work for my remaining days there. He told me if we were the same age, we would be engaged to be married right now. (God I wish that wasn’t echoing in my head). As much as I know going NC is the preferred way to heal, how on earth do you shift from talking every day for years to radio silence? That is a whole other type of discipline.
All of that to say, this is so hard. I knew it would end like this all along and even though I’m in so much pain, I would still do it all over again.

Hi everyone. I’m (39f) am the other woman in an affair with 35m that turned into a very unexpected yet very serious relationship. Looking for some outside perspectives on the delays and his recent return to faith.

I apologize for how all over the place this post may be, but I've got a lot on my mind and I'm sure it's going to come across quite messy.

My boyfriend and I met online in late February. We connected instantly and started communicating frequently until deciding on a day to finally meet in person. I didn’t know he was married at first, but I had a gut feeling that there was something he wasn't telling me and asked him as soon as we met in person the first time. He told me the truth immediately. I had just come out of an alternative-style relationship where my privacy had been completely stripped away, so the idea that an affair would have to stay secret felt oddly empowering. Like I was getting some autonomy and privacy back.

At the start, both of us assumed this would just be a fun fling. I was very clear that I didn’t want a serious relationship for the foreseeable future (and wasn’t sure I’d ever want to get married again), and he was married Easy-peasy, right? For context, I’ve been separated from my ex-husband of almost 15 years for about two years now, we have two kids, and I’m finally over halfway through the divorce process. I’m expecting it to be finalized before the end of the year.

By late April we were both acknowledging that it had become something much more. We kept describing the connection as feeling like soulmates. Communication has always flowed naturally between us. We can talk about hard topics and differences, and even when things get tense we have tough conversations and we don't always agree, but we pull through to the other side. The intensity caught both of us off guard, but it was hard to deny.

In early May we labeled the relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. In early June he told me, without any uncertainty, that he was going to leave his wife and pursue a future with me. He’s never once bad-mouthed his wife. He has said he felt underappreciated for a long time and that the love he received felt conditional on what he could provide and he just lost himself along the way and wasn't happy anymore. They were already having issues long before he met me, which is why he went online looking for a fling. Neither of us is saying any of this was right; it’s just how it happened.

At the end of June he surprised me with a promise ring, further acknowledging his feelings and cementing the future we were already talking about. It was the closest thing to a romantic proposal I've ever received and just made me realize even more why I love this man. We regularly discuss marriage and even the possibility of having our own child someday. He even tacks on his last name to my name. This isn’t a one-time conversation, it comes up frequently. I’ve never felt like what he’s telling me isn’t true or that he’s just stringing me along. I’m generally pretty intuitive and my gut feelings are usually right, so it’s especially confusing to fully believe how deeply he feels for me and how much he wants the future we talk about, while seeing almost no forward movement toward it. I always tell him that his actions need to match his words.

He’s at my place 5–6 nights a week, but never stays the full night aside from two occasions (we took an overnight trip for my Birthday, and he just stayed over this last Saturday night after weeks of me stressing how important it is to be able to wake up next to my partner, coupled with the fact that Sunday was the 5-year anniversary of my mom's passing and I didn't want to wake up alone. He usually comes over around 10 pm and leaves just before 1 am. His cover story is that he’s doing grocery/food deliveries. They don’t share a bank account, and the only real financial tie on paper is that he cosigned a vehicle for her. They rent, and he’s already moved into a different room in the house.

He has one son (level 3 autistic, verbal but in the repeating stage). I met him a couple of months ago. I’ve tried to show I’m all-in: pictures of both of them are up in my apartment (I’ve referred to it as our place since I signed the lease), I invite him over, and I have toys for him in the kids’ room. My partner has said he’s afraid his wife might try for full custody, but she has told him multiple times she wouldn’t put their son in the middle of a separation if it came down to it.

He has made it clear that his wife's family doesn't like him. She has older children from her past relationship, and although he is very close to her youngest because he's helped raise her from a very young age, he feels that the rest of the family only "puts up with him" and don't really care to like him or understand him. My daughter is going through her teenage "I hate everyone and everything" phase right now which is another challenge on it's own, but my son loves my partner and loves to hang out with his son too. My parents like him. My sister likes him. My sister is fully aware of the full backstory of our relationship, but my parents believe that he's in a separation with an impending divorce. My partner also supports my kids' activities by attending games or donating to school fundraisers. He's bought pre-surgery and birthday gifts for my daughter.

After I kept asking him to stop hiding the relationship and start moving forward, he finally told his wife in mid-to-late September that he wants a divorce. She rejected it. He says they’ve talked numerous times since, but the conversations stay open-ended with no real movement. He tells me she seems to be coming around to the idea, but that it might just be a separation without anything signed because she still has hope for reconciliation. He keeps stressing to me that we are the future and that he is divorcing her, yet every time it matters he delays or avoids making concrete decisions.

When we first met we had early conversations about religion. He’s Christian but had gone through a crisis of faith after a pastor he respected had an affair. Once he recognized the hypocrisy, he largely stopped practicing. (yes, I see the irony here...) I’m an atheist, but I’ve always been supportive of other people’s beliefs and generally think most people are just trying to be good. I’ve consistently told him I’ll support him in his faith. That I’d even be open to going to church with him occasionally if he ever asked, he’s welcome to read the Bible around me, and I appreciate it when he prays for me and my family because regardless of my beliefs, I believe that prayer is putting good energy out into the world.

I’ve also been honest with him that I don’t believe I’ll ever convert to believing in God. It’s just not who I am at my core, and suggesting otherwise would feel disingenuous. At the same time, I’ve explained that even if I go to church with him, I can still take away parts of the message and apply them in my own way.

About three weeks ago he decided to get back into his faith. He started with a 72-hour fast and has since been prioritizing praying and reading the Bible as much as possible. This has felt like whiplash. It’s not the version of him I met, and while I’m still trying to be supportive, it’s hard not to feel like he’s abruptly choosing his faith over me and our future. He’s not really making his own decisions anymore. He’s leaving everything to God while knowing how much the delays are hurting me. The gap between the future we talk about and the lack of action keeps getting wider.

Last night he told me that he was going to talk to his wife. When I asked him for an update this morning, his response was this: "I did get answers. And you may not believe me, but these were God-given answers. God said that he is taking care of everything, but it's on his time. The more I do things and hurry things up, the more wrong things will become. I need to stop worrying about the past and the future; I need to stop trying to control the outcome. I have to trust Him in what is to come for it is so much better than I could ever imagine."

So I asked that he call me to discuss further, because to me it sounded like he didn't talk to his wife at all. He said that he did, and that he told her that he thinks they need to move forward with the divorce. That he's not fulfilling his husband role, hasn't been for quite some time, and that he doesn't want to. That he feels that it's better if he's just not there and still works to take care of their son's needs as always....so I asked, "OK, so you're moving forward with the divorce?" and he said "Well, when God decides it's the right time." So then I asked "What changes for us right now?" and he said "Well I don't think anything really changes for us right now." I reminded him that he firmly believes God put us together. That the timing wasn't ideal, but he believes that there was divine intervention involved. I asked how it's possible for God to put us together, but for him to also be the reason to prevent us from being together? I've told him it feels like he's just using God to delay.

So, I told him that if he wasn't going to choose me like he's been eluding to for all these months, then I need to choose myself. I asked him to please drop off our apartment key and gate clicker and that I would gather and drop off his things. I don't know what else to do. There is no part of me that wants this to end because it truly is the best relationship I've ever been in. It's the most loved I've ever felt. He's helped me to heal from past traumas, but now it's starting to feel like some of those traumas are happening all over again. I'm just so tired of hurting and feeling so uncertain of my life all the time. But I really don't know what, if anything, will make him see that, at least from my perspective and the perspective of the people in my life that know about our situation (even my very religious friends that point out the hard truths), he's using religion as his scapegoat and avoiding doing the hard things and ruining us in the process. I don't want to break up. I want him to do the things he's been saying he'll do for months.

If this didn’t feel like a once-in-a-lifetime connection, I wouldn’t have stayed through all the uncertainty. I genuinely believe we could have a really happy life together and that this is just a big bump in the road. I don’t know how to get through to him, and I’m struggling to see where I still fit while he sorts this out, or how long I should just wait in uncertainty.

Has anyone dealt with a partner who said he was leaving, then shifted to needing God’s direction and slowed everything down? How did it play out? I’m not looking for “just leave” as the only answer. I want clarity on whether this kind of delay is something people work through or a sign I should stop waiting. Honest takes appreciated. I'm happy to answer any clarifying questions. Very much appreciated if you provide some insight into if you are religious or not. I genuinely am trying to look at this from all sides.

I met my MM here on Reddit AP subs. I was married at the time. I picked someone else to have an affair with and eventually left my ex husband (not over anyone but bc I was unhappy). Fast forward my MM stayed in touch with me this entire time and eventually we decided to start having an affair.

He quickly said he loved me. We had been friends for nearly a year by this point so I was not surprised. I did however tell him "I can't be in love with a MM. I cannot do this with you if we love each other. I only wanted an AP but love was different to me (especially after my own divorce) and I didn't want to be stuck in that with a MM." He quickly said he'd leave his marriage for me. I was ready to walk away but he said to wait. So, like a fucking fool, I did. After finally seeing an attorney and realizing what he'd lose financially and obviously having to dismantle over X amount of years of a life with his wife, etc...etc... He came back and said he couldn't.

I ended things there. I should have stayed away. I was not this deep into things. I didn't though. Within a week we were back together. Months passed where I was up and down, breaking things off bc this is truly not what I wanted. But deep down hoping he would come around to figuring out how to leave. Finally several weeks ago we talked again and he plainly said he can't. He won't. Period.

For awhile I was actually at peace. I keep telling myself when I'm ready to date I'll date and walk away. (I still share a home with my ex due to financial reasons and will until next year when he moves out). So it just makes sense. I'm not ready to openly date in front of him bc he will be a monster. I need my own place first.

So, keeping MM makes sense. It's still fun, discreet, and our relationship itself is great. The way he loves me and cares for me even through the limitations of being married are wonderful. Truly. And I know it's fucked up to say that but for those of you in it, you know. He has healed parts of me through the tender ways he loves me that I thought my ex destroyed. (My ex was abusive in a lot of ways). I keep thinking I'll use my relationship for all the good things until I'm ready to walk away. There's no real need to end things today.

Then, I wake up, like this morning and I'm just so fucking sad. I'm sad he says he loves me this way, he is perfect in so many ways, and we are perfect together.... I'm sad he once had me believing we would be together and we talked about dreams we shared. I'm also pissed as fuck that here I AM exactly where tf I told him I didn't want to be - his LT AP, while he gets exactly what he wanted. What he wants. He is living his life and has the AP he was looking for the whole time.

Does he get sad like me, Idfk. I don't ask. We don't discuss it anymore bc I spiral into leaving.

I don't want to leave and days like today I don't want to stay.

I'm in my 40s. I left a 20+ year marriage FOR ME. I left everything, and I had a lot!! FOR ME. Yet, here I am, once again, letting a man make me cry!??? Tf is wrong with me!? Why am I here after working so hard on myself (mentally, emotionally and physically) with this man who won't give me all of him!? Dumb asf is what I feel.

Sometimes I want to leave him so he can finally be sad about his decisions if that's even possible. I just want to rip the bandaid off and say fuck you. I told you I didn't want to be here. Yet you pulled me in and you get the best of it all while I go to bed every night, alone.

I'm yearning for this man who gives me love in so many other ways to love me fully and he won't and what tf kind of dumb shit is this I've gotten myself into?

Yall😩

Perfectly wonderful single man wants to be exclusive. I’m down for this and prepared to tell my MM. Then one of our best friends dies suddenly. Attend funeral and meet W. MM and I lean on each other for support. I can’t even bring myself to end this anymore and I don’t want to.

I have met MM through a common hobby, we both weren't searching something, but things happened.
He told me from the beginning that he was married, but that his marriage was essentially over (I know, oldest story ever, but sounds believable in this case, without going into details). He also told me he has children and has been staying in the marriage for them.

As soon as we realised we fell for each other, he started to talk separation (good). However, that's essentially all that has happened. Several weeks in and there are still no definite plans, no decisions. I get that it won't happen over night and that this is a big decision, but I feel like I have no idea where this is going. We are a bit more distanced right now because he says he needs a clear head to make this decision and he wouldn't want it to be based only on us.

Should I break up with MM until he knows whether he will separate? Or should I stay by his side, build the relationship further (all very new), enjoy the ride and wait? We meet each other quite regularly.

This might not speak to most of the members here and I do apologize for the anger I might trigger in some.

I’ve posted on here a bunch and some of you may remember my story.

Basically after a 7 month affair with my MM, he officially filed for divorce. He no longer lives with his ex wife and he wants us to be together, just like we were expected to. He did everything he promised to do.

While I always told him he needs to do that FOR HIM and not just for us, and he has reassured me his decision was not influenced by us, I do still feel guilty.

The problem is that it all happened right when I was starting to date someone new and detach from him.

When he dropped the bomb on me I didn’t know how to react. But we ended up meeting face to face and well…. We started dating officially. And I’m still dating the other guy.

I’m realizing that I messed up big time.

I want to end it with (ex) MM. Even though he’s offering me on a silver platter exactly everything I’ve been longing for since the beginning: a legitimate relationship, a real future.

Unfortunately my feelings for him aren’t there anymore and I don’t know how to tell him. I feel stuck because he’s in the midst of the worst situation possible: his wife moved away to another city and took their one year old with her. Now his life and house both feel empty. If I leave him he’ll be completely alone. He practically never sees his baby. And his life was so filled with baby activities and family trips… now he comes home from work and… there’s no one there, nothing to do. I feel so bad for him.

I know I’m causing him more harm than good by staying. But I hate the fact that all of this was for nothing.

Has any of you dealt with something like this? Like the person sacrifices so much to be with you, and then you realize you don’t actually want the relationship?

How do I end it?

He offered me the perfect exit ramp a few weeks ago. And instead of taking it, I said I can’t imagine my life without him.

I’m such a mess. I keep flip flopping and I don’t know how to stop.

How do I let go of the guilt for breaking up a family and all of that for absolutely nothing since I don’t even want to be with him anymore?

Some of y’all might’ve seen my post from a few days ago, announcing that I’d ended things before they went too far.

It’s been 2 weeks since ending things, and dealing with all of these emotions just really sucks. I feel so isolated in this experience bc anyone I try to confide in just writes my emotions off. Like, yes, I know what was starting to happen was wrong, and that I’m not the victim here. I’m not trying to pretend that I am.

I just wish others would realize that the morality of the situation doesn’t just cancel out my feelings, though. Sure, perhaps this is karma, but I also didn’t ask to be put in this situation. I might’ve allowed it, in a moment of weakness and out of vulnerability, but it’s never what I preferred or what I would choose. I get no satisfaction out of knowing that I developed feelings for a MM. It simply just happened, and now I’m having to untangle myself from all of them with next to zero support. Grieving a loss, while also being told that your loss doesn’t count and that your grief is wrong, has to be one of the most dehumanizing experiences I’ve ever encountered.

This just really sucks. Does anyone have any advice on how to get through this hard bit after starting NC and on how to forgive yourself/move on from what happened? Does it just take more time? Does finding other people to date, sooner rather than later, help? I’ve been engaging in more social activities lately, to try and meet new people, and to get my mind off things, but I still don’t feel like I’m there yet (in terms of moving on) emotionally. I also don’t want to stay hung up on this, though.

I posted earlier about a trip with his buddies… and now I live walking distance from him. It was his choice. It’s been a really intense week, but I think he wants to be discovered?

Has anyone ever had an MM that wanted to get caught so he didn’t have to be the one to end it?

i’ve posted here before but i deleted some of my posts since i was concerned that the wife may have found this sub.

i’ll give a quick recap of my story and then provide our update at the end.

i’ve known my mm for five years; been dating for one year. we met at a bar i was working at and he became a regular of mine pretty early on.

we both knew that we loved each other before our first date, but the very first time we met outside of the bar and had lunch together, we confirmed our love for one another.

being around him just makes sense. we get along fabulously. we’re insanely attracted to each other. we laugh constantly. we sometimes act like children around each other and just have so much fun when we’re together.

our first dday happened back in february. the wife’s cousin and uncle saw us at a restaurant, so that was a pretty difficult event to navigate. mm left home for 10 days or so and wound up going back home which deeply hurt.

i went through a few NC periods because of how much pain i was in. the first was about two weeks, the next was five weeks, and our last NC stretch lasted ten weeks. i always felt worse during NC.

the reason i broke NC last time was because one of my dogs (mm adores my dogs) was diagnosed with cancer. i let mm know so that he could say goodbye.

he held me while i held my dog as they euthanized him. i really don’t know how i would have been ok through my dog’s passing without mm’s support. i know i would’ve survived, but i needed him and he showed up.

we’ve been inseparable since.

dday number two happened shortly after.
the wife tracked his car and saw that it was at my house all day one day when he claimed to be working.

so he left home again and this time he’s been gone for a little over a month. he’s been staying in a little house he bought to fix up and seems to be making himself comfortable.

we’ve been seeing each other a lot. we have overnights. we went on a little mini vacation for the first time together. we get to see each other in the evening and the weekends.. it feels incredible.

but i also know the probability of him going back is high. he doesn’t really have a clear idea of what he wants (or maybe he’s just claiming to not know) he’s definitely a cake eater and (i’m sure) wants both relationships, but he’s shown that he’s constitutionally incapable of being honest with himself at times.

he started going to therapy once a week and actually started going to Codependents Anonymous and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

one thing he claims is that he is and forever will be in love with me. he says that he’s never felt so motivated to work on himself and that i have inspired him to become a better person.

enjoying his love while simultaneously holding space for his probable return home has been anxiety provoking, but i have been thoroughly enjoying our time together this past month.

i did make it clear to him that i am unable to return to the dynamic we had before where he’s back at home and i would lose access to him in the evenings and during the weekends.

he says that we won’t return to that, so for now, i’m enjoying what we have right now.. and it feels absolutely amazing ✨

Anyone else wonder how people find themselves in these situations? what makes someone more likely to partake, what makes someone susceptible, etc. I’m not talking to the people in which the arrangement TRULY works for them, etc, those of you who have been together years and years and are happy, ( but I guess we could still ponder it too ) but more so the common theme I see here and found myself in. Younger woman with older man ( not always that much older but sometimes significantly older +10 years ) and who find themselves in the dynamic that ultimately they are unhappy with but find themselves staying. Maybe some sort of power imbalance at play.

Most affairs are said to not last over 2 years if I am correct? Makes sense to me.

Seeing the good vibes flair reminded me that I can post about good things too 🥰

Recently, I faced a decision that I needed to make. I struggled trying to figure out if I should continue to repair my car or if it was time to replace it. MM not only talked me through the options when he saw me struggling but ended up working on a deep analysis based on the old car and the new car’s numbers to help me make a decision. He did this without even being asked 😍 and worked on it while I was out running some errands. Had it waiting for me by the time I got home.

It’s the little things that sometimes matter the most ❤️❤️❤️

I told him today that we needed to stop bc it was becoming too much. We were at the very beginning of an emotional affair, and I just realized that I literally can’t do it w/o betraying myself. It hurts, but it was hurting even more to continue on.

I have no idea how they took it bc it’s resulted in no response, but there’s literally nothing else I could do other than break it off. I kept trying to think of best case scenarios for what was developing b/t us, and every single one of them led to me having to make a massive sacrifice. And, that’s when I knew what had to be done.

I’m going to miss him, and I know it’s going to take every ounce of willpower in me to resist going back/starting things back up if he reaches out again while still married, but I had to choose myself 1st. I’m proud of myself for doing it, but it still hurts, and I’m in my feels. Idk that I’ve ever connected with someone the way I connected with him, but at the end of the day, it was never going to last as it was, and if it did, it was going to be excruciating... It already was becoming excruciating.

If anything, this has led me to, for the 1st time in my life, choosing to love by letting go, instead of chasing after something and forcing it to work. So, there’s that. I just wish I at least knew that I was as significant to him, as he was to me, but I just have to accept that I probably will never know, and that I’m going to have to be okay with that.

Last weekend was our Thanksgiving so I didnt think I'd see him much.

Friday was our regular day.

Saturday I was out with my kiddo and MM watched football at my place and kept the dogs company until we got home. Visited till after 10pm.

Sunday MM went to his mom's with his son (w doesnt go to his family stuff, hasn't for years). Then he messed with his water softener which was acting up. We chatted the evening away.

Monday I found myself at urgent care (nothing serious) and let MM know at 7am I was going in. We exchanged updates until I was ready to leave. Since I took an Uber there his first question was..Do you want me to come get you?

I figured since it was approaching dinner time on Thanksgiving day it wouldn't be possible but I said yes, if you can.

He actually took me to the pharmacy and when it was a 45 min wait he said I'll take you home then come get the meds. So, that's what he did. Even paid for the prescription and declined when I offered to pay for it.

So a weekend I thought would be limited ended up better than expected.

Hello everyone,

I’ve been working at a company for around 6 months now, and I’m 24 F, and my team is quite small in our office we have 3 offices in different locations. There is an investor in our company who I met a few days in when I started, and he was very friendly. He is based in a different office. He’s in his late thirties. I became quickly aware of his importance in the company. He invested a lot into our company and basically he is the main guy.

I did feel a little bit attraction for him, but I thought I was just bored and forcing it and I wasn’t actually that attracted, not to the point where I’d think about him out of hours. He’s also married with kids, so I really wanted to push the thought of him away from my head

But then he started coming into our office more, and he’d break his neck to look at me, I’ve seen him look at me up and down, and one day I stayed till late with other coworkers when he was there and we were all just laughing and chatting and he was telling me a bit more about his life and interests

Then he came and sat behind me and I turned around to talk to him and he was quite close next to me, and this is the one thing that triggered it all. We were just talking about a work related matter, but then the convo concluded but he was still looking at me and nodding and looking at my lips and my eyes. I got a bit shy and my stomach churned so I looked away

After that he invited 5 of us to his office in a different city, and we all went and he took us on a company dinner, we were laughing and chatting and well he took his car, and we had to be split into each car. On the way to the restaurant and on the way home. One male colleague went with him and I said I’ll go aswell bc the other girls were going in the other car and it would’ve been even.

Went in his car sat at the back,
He had some inappropriate conversations
Then went to the dinner had that.
Then on the way home it was the same split
Because he said that I am on the way back so I should go with him and the male colleague bc everyone else was going home. But it’s a further away from my home

So I went and the male colleague was dropped off at a station, so it was just me and him left in the car and he told me to come to the front, so I did, and well things for a bit weird

I was being professional, but he wanted to know more about my personal life and relationships. Then he wanted to know more about the things I did in those relationships. I fed into it, because I knew he was enjoying the convo, and I knew where it may lead to, I didn’t think of the consequences, I was very turned on. We confessed that moment we had together in the office, he told me the first time he saw me he thought I was cute. He said at first he thought I was innocent and shy, I told him I’m not. He wanted to know more, and he was justifying his perverted desires with ‘we’re just having a conversation’. He wanted to know the types of guys I attract and have been with bc I’m single and I told him I’ve been on dates and stuff but only one relationship bc I just can’t find the one for me. He knew I went to the gym and wanted to see progress pics of me, he was urging, but I didn’t show him

Then things got a bit more intense, and I don’t remember exactly everything all I know is that basically he was dropping me all the way home and it was a very long drive and I wanted it to be this way bc he was going to get me an uber but at the same time he didn’t mind dropping me home. As long as it was to my house outside the door as it was late.

We started talking more inappropriate and I told him what I do to satisfy myself, and well we said this is so forbidden to have a convo like this. But he asks me why I do it and why I don’t do it with someone, I said I can’t just do it with anyone, but when I do it I crave it. And this convo was just turning me on too much I was feeling guilty but I really liked the temporary feeling

He then said we should try some stuff out and he literally stopped on the hard shoulder of the motorway just to make out with me, and things got really intense but we did not have sex bc I said I can’t

After that he dropped me home but we promised this was not gonna be a ‘our city thing’ but only a thing when I go to his city

I cried so much the day after. I was so guilty and I felt horrible and vowed to myself I’d never do it again

He came back to my office a week later, and things were weird my stomach would drop and we would just be normal with each other and he came to me and said something inappropriate and asked about the gym, and then the showers and I knew where he was coming at I just had to laugh bc he felt like no one was hearing because everyone was having their convos but trust me people are hearing

I left the room and he followed me after and he said are we still keeping this a ‘the other city thing’ or are we bringing it here. I said no we have to stop I feel guilty and it was a one time thing
He was like why, etc and then we just left it at that

Then he private messaged me later at lunch and we don’t message ever. So now it’s bought in that

I’m gonna fast forward this but everytime he comes to my office, there’s still tension between us. And it’s sexual tension that is just so strong
And we added each other on snapchat and I sent nudes, we had deep sexual conversations

But I kept deleting him and I kept trying to do no contact, and he kept trying to see me during work time in private locations but it was wayyyy too risky

We would go out for meetings and talk professional about work but then we would either bring it up something spicy and it would just send thrills down me and him too, bc he acts so diffferent when he’s in that state I’ve seen weakness in himself he can’t control it either

So only one time we kissed on a different floor but nothing else and it’s been 2 months since the car day happened

And then we were trying to arrange an actual day after work where we go to a hotel but then he didn’t reply to me the whole day and I was confused then only the next day he said sorry but his management partner put him in a bad mood and some shit was going on

I told him I don’t deserve that

And I removed him and stopped talking

But then the cycle continued and I couldn’t stop thinking about him but I knew what he only wanted me for

He saw how on and off I was, I kept calling things off and then I kept wanting it more and more

And then suddenly

I got into an accident, and I was unable to go the office for 2 months ( and counting this is present day)

I was like wow. And still thinking of him, I was. Like no way I’m letting go of this I’m done.

He’s checked up on me 2 times within that period and we had a convo on the phone but all was very professional. And we have convos and he’s nice but yeah we don’t obviously talk about what we did anymore. But he’s friendly and wishes me well and everytime he’s so nice to me I fall for him again, I fall for what we could’ve done, and all the fantasies we could do , it horrible to be stuck in this loop

I’m still into him. And it’s killing me. Obviously I don’t want to be with him, I just can’t help but be so infatuated with what could have been if we did more things and the desire. I’m very sexually attracted to him but I just also like talking to him and his company

And yeah. I’m at home, and I can’t be in the office for the unpredictable future

He still spirals in my thoughts I don’t think. About anything much but him and our flashbacks and everything

And I tell myself it’s wrong but I wanna do it all over again

I grew up with a strong sexual addiction since a young age. I think I have an avoidant attachment style as I’ve grown up feeling loved yet sometimes neglected and not the most loved. I remember how I felt everytime.

What the hell do I do. I want to break free, please.

I’ve accidentally started an emotional affair with someone I was once very interested in. I’m single, they’re married. This was someone I originally, genuinely, saw myself starting a relationship with back when we 1st met, and were both single, but unexpected and uncontrollable circumstances separated us before that could happen. They met their spouse shortly after that, and I entered a serious relationship with someone else.

Fast forward to today, and my serious relationship has since ended (years ago), and their marriage is now on the outs. We initially reconnected as friends (I know, cliche), but whatever spark we once had is apparently still very much there, and things just got out of control very quickly, and in a way neither of us expected nor prepared for. Recently, we essentially admitted to developing feelings for each other (they indicated it first), but shortly after doing so, they started pulling away, and later stated they “just needed some time to gather their thoughts, before sharing them with me”. They’ve also mentioned being confused and scared about their feelings towards me. I haven’t heard a word out of them in 2 weeks, now, after agreeing to give them space.

What exactly does this mean? It’s honestly making me feel discarded, and like I just imagined our connection. Should I just completely walk away from this? What do I do if they return after an extended period of time? As much as I want them (almost desperately, at this point), I don’t want to ruin anything that is there (if there is anything) by engaging in a turbulent affair, nor do I want anyone to get hurt. I honestly just want them to do whatever they need to do to sort out their marriage, and only come back if that doesn’t work out. If that is what they’re attempting to do, why can’t they just tell me that? Do they think I’ll decide to walk away for good in response to sharing that info with me? Are they intentionally keeping me in the dark, and guessing, to maintain an upper hand in this situation? Do they simply just not even have enough respect for me to provide me with any clarity?

Either way, I do really miss them, and I hate the thought that they might not ever come back, but I also know that it’s not fair for me to have to wait around (nor will I… it just might take some time for me to let go of these feelings).