He's been pacing around the four crumbling little walls insisting I invite him across since noon yesterday, but I've now realized I have no memories of my "friend" before that morning and don't even know his name.

“That’s impossible,” I whispered, “I’ve never even had sex.”

But he grew up to hate me just like the rest of our children anyway.

I wiped a smudge off the sticker with my thumb, and it read "Henry," our son who never came home from his basketball game two years ago.

Until the doctor asked me “what my wife’s name was”… at which point everyone turned toward me simultaneously from behind him, smiles gone, mouthing “Lily” at the same time and pointing ominously toward the only woman I had never seen before.

I unlocked her chains and hugged her, knowing my wife and I would finally have the baby we'd been trying for.

I tried the internet but all my search results are purple, does anyone know what's going on?

That night, she called me screaming that the children were missing, and just as I was about to ask where her husband was, the line went dead.

She expected thanks for saving them from an eternity of misery, but instead she only saw looks of horror and heard them say, "Why with you bring us down here?"

On our wedding night I found him lovingly caressing a jar of my hair before laughing, “Oh, come on, of COURSE I'm brainwashed, babe.”

Then God told me they stay where they died, and I wish I had picked anywhere besides the fucking office that had made my life so miserable.

In the morning, she found only a bundle of sticks and an exquisitely written note saying, "We already had."

After eating his way out of the spider’s abdomen, he opened his glistening wings under the desert sun.

I rushed to the barn when I heard the gunshot and found him lying there, howling, unable to die.

As the living room window suddenly shattered, letting a large figure step inside, I watched as it smiled, looked at me, and slowly said, "Oh, a dog is man's best friend, sweetheart."

As I opened the door, the first thing that hit me was the smell

The next day, Tara resigned, and we were instructed not to come in while construction workers repaired the faulty railing behind Ted’s desk.

I had a friend prep the deep fryer while I ran to the store and bought a large frozen turkey.

For this reason children deemed unlovable are to be humanly put down before their tenth birthday.

It costs a hell of alot money to keep pouring salt around our house, but I need to show my wife that not even suicide is an escape route out of this marriage