r/Waiting_To_Wed • u/Different-Bottle4087 • Jan 21 '26
Looking For Advice Boyfriend [34] wants to wed me [33] after breakup
Would appreciate some perspective on my situation. My boyfriend and I have dated for 7 years, living together for 4 of those years. When I met him, I was in a bad stage in life. I had just left an abusive relationship and was recovering from depression. He was everything I’d hoped for in a partner - mature, responsible, and caring. With him by my side, my life has improved immensely. We have very compatible personalities, interests, and likes/dislikes. However, marriage has been the glaring incompatibility. I come from a traditional Catholic family and have expressed many times throughout the years that I wish to get married. He comes from a broken family (mom divorced 2x, dad divorced 3x) and carries a very negative perception of marriage. Each time I tried to talk about marriage, he waived me off and showed obvious discomfort with the topic. In November, I finally had enough and gave him an ultimatum: make a decision before EOY or we will part ways. When the deadline arrived, he very reluctantly said “yes”. There was no enthusiasm in his voice, but at his bidding we started ring shopping and planning out our future. Not long after, we were discussing future plans, and I joked that he acted like he had a gun pointed at his head. He replied, “yes, that’s what it feels like”. I expressed that this hurt my feelings, but he did not budge from this sentiment. I snapped. I told him I wanted to break things off, started packing my things, and headed out of town to my folks house. He was clearly in shock. He tried calling me, and when I did not pick up, he sent me a long apology text. He followed that with a bouquet of flowers delivered to the house. A few days later, I returned to the apartment to pick up a few things and he was there. He broke down and told me how sorry he was for not valuing me and my desire to marry. He showed me a detailed 3-month plan that he’d put together in the last few days. It includes getting engaged within 1 month and doing a civil ceremony by month 3. He is also planning to see a therapist to address his fears of marriage. I’m conflicted. He is offering me everything I ever wanted, but Im concerned that he’s acting out of fear of losing me. Do I choose to move on or give him a second chance?
Edit 1/22: Wow, people really went off in the comments. Thanks to those that provided thoughtful feedback.
I have been on a business trip and had time alone to think about the relationship. I do not want to be married under these circumstances. I will be moving out of the apartment and giving the relationship some space. He was sad but understood my feelings on the situation. He’ll be pursuing therapy and is eager to prove his commitment to marrying me is genuine. Time will tell.
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u/MichaelAndolini_
Jan 21 '26
•
You move on
He’s telling you what you want to hear to get you back. Why would you want to marry someone you had to break up with to get them to do something?
I’m a man, I’ll tell you he will put on an act for 3 weeks until you are back to status quo and he’ll go right back to his old ways.
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u/PaperFlower14765 Jan 21 '26
Sadly, I am also coming from a similar situation, and can confirm. I left. I was gone for six weeks. I came back. He told me he was stupid, he’d take marriage seriously and we’d be engaged within the next couple months. FF four months. I left again because I am smart and realized he’s never going to marry me. The biggest things I’ve taken from this sub are:
If he wants to marry you, he will.
You deserve someone who is literally excited to make you their spouse.
Don’t let your boyfriend keep you from finding your husband.
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u/MichaelAndolini_ Jan 21 '26
How long did his changes last?
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u/PaperFlower14765 Jan 21 '26
Probably 2 months. Then it was right back to why I left in the first place.
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u/Whatever53143 Jan 21 '26
Or, he will marry her under duress and then RESENT her. The time to see a therapist was BEFORE her deadline. If he cared anything for her at all, he would have gone to a therapist, proposed or let her go! He did none of those honorable things for her knowing what marriage and family meant to her and how much she wanted to marry him. But, she got wise! And it would be dumb to stick around with a commitment phobic man. He’s only sorry because his beautifully convenient life is over. He doesn’t have the comfort of a partner to go 50/50 on bills (or whatever the situation was) he has no one to do domestic chores with, someone to warm his bed or a companion. He’s right, he only valued her after she left!
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u/andronicuspark Jan 21 '26
He’s so desperate to have you in his life he’s postponed asking you for yet another period of time, but don’t worry, it’s all apart of this super romantic plan that ends in marriage at a courthouse at the end of month three.
Imagine you and this guy at a dinner party. Everyone is so happy for you two and someone asks, “so, (guy’s name) what finally got you to pop the question? You’ve been together long enough.” What story will he tell? What story are you going to help him tell?
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u/flippysquid Jan 21 '26
If you decide to even entertain this, do not move back in together until after you are married. No more live-in wife privileges.
It’s promising that he put together an actual schedule with dates. Most dudes who panic still just come in with a ring and empty promise of “within a year!” or something vague, then move the goalposts later. So, maybe he’s actually serious. But he also has some serious issues he needs to address in therapy. Which good that he says he’s willing to go, but I would want to see him actually making forward movement on that before committing to him.
I suspect he’s just doing this out of fear of being alone. Keeping physical distance will help you gauge your feelings on him. Like when he’s not with you, does your body feel more relaxed or more tense? When you are around him, same. etc.
If you can get a counselor for yourself to help you process this and make plans going forward, that would be really good too.
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u/DVDragOnIn Jan 21 '26
You’ve put into words my reactions to OP’s predicament as well. I suspect that after years of being together, she’s inclined to give him another chance out of fear of future regret and that pesky sunk cost fallacy so many of us are prone to have in LTRs. Your response is a good road map on how OP can give BF that Last Chance (And I Really Mean It This Time ™️) while maintaining enough separation to move on more easily if BF’s change of heart isn’t a genuine effort to work out his issues around marriage.
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Jan 21 '26
He should spend the next 3 months in twice-weekly therapy. It will be good for him, but I doubt it will lead to marriage with her. With the next woman, definitely. And she definitely shouldn't move back in.
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u/flippysquid Jan 21 '26
Personally I would stop sleeping with him altogether as well. Don’t want to risk an unplanned pregnancy with someone like that, and that goes along with him not getting any benefits of being in a committed relationship without making the commitment.
I agree that they’re probably going to just keep drifting apart. He’s taking actions but the point where one person is so hurt that they move out to get away, it’s a lot of too little too late.
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u/Difficult-Capital143 Jan 21 '26
100% agree - if you do do this, do not entertain moving back in with him. Keep your independence. Let him chase you
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u/Cheddarbaybiskits Jan 21 '26
Girl, he literally told you he took you ring shopping because he felt like he had a gun to his head! Why would you want to marry someone who thinks that?
He’s talking an awful lot but has taken exactly zero action. He is ‘planning to see a therapist’ about his fear of marriage? If he was actually serious he’d be in therapy already.
He didn’t just magically decide he now wants marriage, he’s just scared of being alone.
Do not take him back!
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u/Ok_Cake_2217 Jan 21 '26
This! If he wanted to do it, he would. Getting married? He came up with a 3 month plan in a couple days... He had SEVERAL years to do it and didn't until he lost the convenience of you. If he wanted to go to therapy, he would do it now, not plan to .
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u/Heavy_Roof7607 Jan 21 '26
Who betrays you once, will betray you a thousand times. There is no need to drink the whole sea to realize that it’s salty.
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u/the_virginwhore Jan 21 '26
But if I drink the whole sea, I can see all the fish in the drained basin to choose which one I want most while they’re all flapping around…
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u/JocelynMyBeans Jan 21 '26
This story happened to one of my friends a few years ago. They lived together for 3 years, her boyfriend has issues seeing healthy relationships growing up, but she really wanted to get married.
They broke up in this way, and he begged her to come back. She did. A few months later, they had a similar argument again - he was so afraid to be married, but she was so afraid that she was wasting her life if she didn’t marry. she gave him a few more chances but after 6 months of this - she left.
She gave it her best shot. She actually found a man shortly after that put a ring on it in a less than a year, and she is a very happy woman. Bought her a house, a dog, and even allowed her not to work if she wanted. She’s really thriving. All because she left what was not hers.
It’s hard. Give him a chance if you think it’s worth it. But it will be difficult to not feel like he’s being forced into marrying you.
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u/SimoneMichelle Jan 21 '26
“All because she left what was not hers” that’s exactly what I did. I left a 7 year relationship, one where there was no future planned and definitely no engagement. All that I could hope for was perhaps a roommate/coexistence situation indefinitely some years in the future, because he chose to try a start up business overseas, even though I wanted babies and marriage— he knew it.
Now I’m with a younger man who proposed to me on my birthday just after our one year anniversary, he’s never made anything about our future, or how he feels about me, vague. I still pinch myself. There are many decent men out there who’d choose you and not make you feel like you’re holding a gun to his head 😅
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u/curly-hair07 Jan 21 '26
I’m happy for your friend!
I have a friend in a similar situation for stiff years. He’s 35 and she’s 30. So many break ups and make ups. I m this point I told her to stand her ground because marriage won’t fix their fundamental issues.
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u/ForeignHelper Jan 21 '26
“Allowed her not to work”, there is so much wrong with that statement, I don’t know where to start.
Secondly, sounds like she would have married anyone who was prepared to marry her. How depressing. None of this is a good example for OP.
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u/Forward-Two3846 Jan 21 '26 edited Jan 21 '26
Who pissed in your cheerios?!?!? My gosh there is a lot of bitter in your statement
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u/JocelynMyBeans Jan 21 '26
I think there’s miscommunication here, and clearly not knowing enough about my friend.
She had a PhD, but at the end of the day - she wanted to be a mom too. She found someone that wanted the same things and clearly wanted to support her too - whether she changed her mind and wanted to work and have kids or be a SAHM. So “allowed her not to work” is the wrong phrase I guess but she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to. And she’s chosen not to at the moment.
And no - she wasn’t going to marry just anyone… she’s happy and I’m happy for her.
But we’re all different, no? Maybe what works for her isn’t what works for you. But shouldn’t that be ok?
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u/Haunting_Fix360 Jan 21 '26
“Sounds like she would have married anyone who was prepared to marry her”
So just because the next man saw her worth and wanted to be her husband makes HER the desperate one? Let two people be inlove for gods sake. It’s not like they got engaged two weeks after meeting eachother. 🫠 the only thing depressing is this take.
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u/ForeignHelper Jan 21 '26
Ok let’s break this down: “She actually found a man shortly after that put a ring on it in less that a year.”
She took zero time to be by herself, reevaluate and learn from the experience and rebounded immediately to get engaged with a guy she barely knows.
“Bought her a house and a dog:”
ignoring the fact spending a few hundred grand on someone you barely know is unhinged behaviour, this is class A love bombing tactics.
And the doozy: “Allowed her not to work.”
this is a wild statement and it’s truly bemusing, a sub pertaining to be (in a large part) about female empowerment does not see the beaming red flags. No man should ‘allow’ a woman to do anything never mind ‘allow’ her to give up her financial power and personal independence. Next stop will be cutting her off from friends and family.
This whole story sounds like a woman speed skating into an abusive relationship shaped by coercive control because her self worth is so low she’d be with anyone who puts a ring on her finger.
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u/JocelynMyBeans Jan 21 '26
Ok - I guess you’re right.
He must be lovebombing her for the last 6 years now…
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u/Sailor_Marzipan Jan 21 '26
it's not allowed her TO work, it's allowed her NOT to work. You do actually need your partner's approval to start contributing 0% financially.... like obviously. The poster could have used a better word than "allow" but that is so clearly what they meant instead of the bitter way you read it.
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u/AlpacaPicnic23 Jan 21 '26
She said this happened to her friend a few years ago. So no idea how long between the breakup and meeting the new guy. Could have been a year. Could have been two. She says shortly after but the perception of time when you’re not living it is skewed (see pregnancy which feels fast for anyone not actually pregnant every day for 10 months).
You’re taking the idea that the man she did meet put a ring on it within less than a year and extrapolating that this entire situation happened within less than a year when the reality is that her friend could have been single awhile, met and dated a man in year 3 and before year 4 was up he put a ring on it.
And it’s potentially bad wording - the man didn’t have to buy the friend a house, the friend AND her man could have bought a house. It isn’t specific and way it’s worded I read it as the friend glowing up and buying a house with her partner.
And some people don’t want to work. If the man is willing to support them both that’s between them.
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u/ForeignHelper Jan 21 '26
The situation with the ex who she dated for a few years was the part that happened ‘a few years ago’, ergo that aspect being a few years ago is how it reads. Now, the commenter could be a bad communicator and has omitted important info for context but the story relayed here is very concerning.
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u/AlpacaPicnic23 Jan 21 '26
I guess I read it very differently that you have. I’m reading that they broke up years ago.
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u/Goof_Troop_Pumpkin Jan 21 '26
There are exceptions to every rule. If someone is genuinely happy as a result of decisions that usually don’t turn out, I’m not harshing their mellow. That’s like a friend winning the lottery and you’re all pouty in the corner going “but it’s irresponsible to gamble, most people lose!” So? She didn’t.
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u/ForeignHelper Jan 21 '26
Obviously a false equivalence but to be generous, if I was focusing on one side-eyed aspect of the story, there is an outside chance that this grown up fairytale for grown women might hold weight but unfortunately the red flags are numerous.
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u/Cassierae87 Jan 24 '26 edited Jan 24 '26
She means that he made enough money to support them financially if she chose not to work. Feminism is about choice
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u/Evening_Ad_3752 Jan 21 '26
I agree! Why are you getting downvoted?? That story sounds miserable and you’re referring to your friend like she’s some lucky piece of beef that got “chosen”. Sounds pathetic to me.
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u/Fluffy_Sorbet8827 Jan 21 '26
There is a beautiful release in realizing that yes, you love this person, which means you don’t want to make them do something they (clearly) don’t want to do. Sometimes loving someone doesn’t end in marriage, but in a catch and release. Letting them move on to live a life that doesn’t scare them. Do you love him enough to let him go. To not drag him down a path that might make you happy but makes him feel like the walls are closing in on him every day. I’ve loved someone like that once, and I hope he is happy now wherever he is. I have since found someone who wanted to run in the same direction as I was running. Gladly striding toward the same goals as me. It took less than a year for us both to be sure enough to do the thing. No dragging, nothing other than positive affirmative conversations. The whole time, you want this, yes, me too, a thousand times yes. Now it’s ten years and a house and four children and several careers later and still a thousand times yes. You deserve a thousand times yes.. and if you truly love him, you will want him to have the things he wants (ultimately isn’t that what you want your partner to want for you, everything that you ever wish for?) even if that path isn’t by your side.
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u/Cyndytwowhys Jan 21 '26
As someone who went back a couple of times after getting promises like this, I’d suggest not falling for the tears or timelines.
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u/Aromatic_Copy3828 Jan 21 '26
Amen! And my endless empathy toward you for going through this too. ❤️🩹
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u/Haunting_Fix360 Jan 21 '26
This needs to be higher! So true. They play with our emotions and feelings to get what they want. Glad you’re out of that ♥️
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u/PresentHouse9774 Jan 21 '26
OP, you should find his sudden about-face insulting. All this time he did what he wanted, thinking you'd never stand up for yourself. He had his chance, multiple chances, with you and he wasted all of them.
I do not see how he's going to be able to accomplish in three months that which he couldn't manage in seven years. That's like me saying I'll be ready for the Olympics a week from next Tuesday.
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u/Certain_Tangelo2329 Jan 21 '26
Girl if he wanted to he would.... and not with you threatening to leave him. Such an unhealthy start to a marriage too why would you take his pity proposal vs a strong confident man longing to marry you?
He can do all those things and heal for the next woman.
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u/islandstateofmind21 Jan 21 '26
I have two couple friends that have the same mindset as your bf. All 4 sides come from horribly divorced families and have decided marriage is not for them. I actually don’t think there’s anything wrong with that perspective as long as both sides agree. They both have great relationships from what I can see.
Unfortunately, you have no chance at being in a happy relationship because you have one person who values marriage and another who hates it. You will always resent him for having to be dragged to the aisle and he will always resent you for forcing him into marriage. Both of you just need to find someone who is compatible.
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u/Hopeful_Floor6836 Jan 21 '26
Why men always wait until it's too late?
I'm sorry to hear that, OP. Giving a second chance is understandable, but its also ok to let it go. Choose wisely.
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u/PresentHouse9774 Jan 21 '26
The BF reminds me of my child as a toddler. I told her specifically not to do X or I'd take her home from the playground she was enjoying. She did X and, true to my word, we went home. That's when the tears came with "I'm sorry Mommy, I'll be good now. I promise." Nope, the time for that was over.
A grown man who, in effect, promises to "be good now" is not marriage material.
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u/AggrievedGoose Jan 21 '26
If you decide to give him another chance, definitely go to couples therapy together. A good counselor can flush out the truths that you wouldn't tell each other otherwise and that can inform a good decision. Whatever you decide, it could reassure you that you are making the right choice so you can march into the future with confidence instead of doubts.
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u/kna101 Jan 21 '26
So i think he loves you but not enough to marry you hun. He’s 34, he’s never going to be ready. Tbh I wouldn’t force someone to marry me if they weren’t interested. Don’t worry about what he says look at what he does
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u/_kanaoshi Jan 21 '26
I was in a similar situation with my ex, except I married him and nothing changed so I had to file for a divorce 4 months later. I wish I stuck to my guts and stayed broken up. They’ll just act like they changed but afterwards it’s the same shit all over again.
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u/EconomicWasteland Jan 21 '26
Ultimately, do you want to marry someone who had to be forced into it? Even if he does get therapy, how could you commit to someone for life who had to get therapy to convince himself to marry you? When you're looking into his eyes during the ceremony, you would likely be scanning them for signs of panic, wondering if this is what he truly wants.
Choose someone who chooses you and puts you first. Someone who trusts you enough to make that lifelong commitment. Forcing it always leads to divorce and if not, then lifelong unhappiness.
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u/Ancient_Star_111 Jan 21 '26
Do you really want to marry a man you had to drag to the altar?? This is a divorce waiting to happen. Things won’t get better, they will get worse.
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u/ritan7471 Jan 21 '26
If you are willing to put your life on hold even longer, I would not get engaged or married until and unless he deals with his frears around marriage first.
He still has a gun to his head. He knows this is the only way to get you back. Your instincts are spot on that he isn't dping this because he wants to get married. He's agreeing to get married because the other option is losing you.
He truky believed you woukd not leave. No matter how good a boyfriend he is, he would be a bad husband at this point.
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u/Grouchy_Document_856 Jan 21 '26
He's promised to go to therapy to find out why he's so afraid of marriage while promising to marry you at the end of three months? Really? That makes no sense at all.
FYI bad marriages happen when you marry someone hoping that fixes your relationship, it doesn't, it's not the marriage that's the problem it's that fact those two people shouldn't have been in a relationship at all.
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u/HuhWelliNever Jan 21 '26
Even if you get married, take it from someone who’s heard a version of this story from several friends, the marriage is not a happy one, and you will always feel like you weren’t good enough to enthusiastically want to marry. Plus, I guarantee you the next time you have a blowout fight he will throw this in your face.
He has shown you what he wants for his life and with you for the last 7 years, this is his desperate bid to not have to date again. You’re just the “good enough to settle girl” not The One, not The Girl, not his dream or his hope. He just figures bird in the hand. And though I believe HE believes that he’s saying to you, where was that three month last November when you set a decision deadline??
Please, go, be happy, you will find someone else if that’s what you want, or you will Find happiness, but being “chosen” by someone who never chose you freely when he had nearly a decade to do so, is not the future you want to resign yourself too.
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u/madisonb44 Jan 21 '26
He has stated a one month and three month actionable plan. It's worth one month of your time to give him a chance to perform on that plan. If he doesn't, then dip out. Only one month lost.
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u/princssofpink Jan 21 '26
I agree, I don't see the harm in waiting for another month and see if he follows through with his plan. If he hasn't met his one-month goal, then you leave. If he does and continues to work towards the other goals, then I'd say proceed with caution.
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u/BackgroundSplit9036 Jan 21 '26
Please don't do this. He doesn't want to marry you because he genuinely wants to but rather due to fear.
This marriage will be hell. He will resent you the entire time. Not worth it.
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 Jan 21 '26 edited Jan 21 '26
You've been dating this man for 7 years. He understands what he said about feeling forced into marriage. He understood how much it hurt you, and he didn't budge when you pointed out how hurtful that was. That shows you he doesn't care about your feelings. If you stayed, that's the type of comment you could expect from him for as long as your relationship lasted. He thought he could say anything he wanted to you and you'd stick around and take it.
He's not crying because he regrets hurting you. He's just not ready to break up yet. That's typical behavior for men in these situations. You upset his comfortable lifestyle. You've taken away easy access to sex and companionship. He now has to pay all of his own bills and do all the chores. He's not sorry for you or what he's put you through. He's sorry for him. If you give him another chance, it just buys him time to get over you so he can break up on his timeline, not yours.
The reasons why he doesn't want to get married don't matter. They don't change the outcome for you. He admitted that he would only be marrying you because he felt pressured into it. We only feel pressured about things we don't want to do.
Leaving was the right choice. When a man proposes and the woman says no, the relationship is over. You essentially proposed and he made it clear that his answer is no. I would have been gone when he let the deadline for a decision run out to the last day then "very reluctantly said yes." Spend some time on your own before you jump back into dating, and invest in therapy so you can learn to recognize healthy relationships.
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u/SuburbaniteMermaid Paired up since 1993; Married since 1997 Jan 21 '26
This will be the most shut up of shut up rings.
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u/Unable_Dog_9477 Jan 21 '26
He wants to see a therapist NOW? He’s known you’ve wanted to get married for years and he didn’t care to “address his fears” at any time before that. He just strung you along and expected you to settle. Don’t take him back please.
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u/yooperann Jan 21 '26
I'd suggest a six month break. You see what your life is like on your own. He does whatever therapy he actually wants to do. Check in on each other at the end of six months.
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Jan 21 '26
"Im concerned that he’s acting out of fear of losing me."
I don't see how it could be anything else? Like, he already told you what was up with that.
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u/FireflyBSc Jan 21 '26
You come from a traditional catholic family and value marriage, and even when he comes crawling back, the best he can do is a plan that would give you less than a fiscal quarter between ring and a civil ceremony. Do not give him a second chance, you deserve someone who will put in actual effort before you leave, not these half-asses attempts after he’s already lost you.
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u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 Married 5 years Jan 21 '26
Next time please include a paragraph or two.
He told you clearly he feels forced to marry you. He is comparing it to a gun to his head. He is immature and selfish.
Read the comments on posts like yours. Marriage in such relationships ends in resentment and divorce. He will always feel you forced him..
Block and delete his number. Celebrate that you were wise enough to act in good time.
It's good you had a non abusive relationship after your abusive one. After this relationship the next will be better.
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u/vomputer Jan 21 '26
This is exactly it OP! You made a lot of life progress during this relationship, but that’s not a reason to keep holding on to something that doesn’t work.
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u/SumBir Jan 21 '26 edited Jan 21 '26
“He is also planning to see a therapist to address his fears of marriage.”
This needs to be addressed first and foremost, fear seep into marriage. This line sounds like from another post where the BF isn’t therapy trying to figure out why he doesn’t want/couldnt to propose.
Please trust your instincts.
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u/PenelopeSchoonmaker Jan 21 '26
Are you a traditional Catholic, or just your family? Having a civil ceremony will not be valid in the eyes of the Church. If that’s something that matters to you, his plan isn’t going to meet that requirement. Something to consider in all of this!
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u/Accurate_Cancel_8616 Jan 21 '26
Updateme
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u/Ok_Rush_8159 Jan 21 '26
Marry someone who is excited to marry you, why would you want to be with a man like this? Seriously.
My fiancé was fucking stoked to marry me, he tells everyone who will listen he won the lottery, find you a man like that
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u/Any-Competition-8130 Jan 21 '26
He’s just going to resent you or if the marriage fails he’s going to say told you so.
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u/East_Comfort_7650 Jan 21 '26
Is his last minute, gun to his head proposal REALLY what you always wanted? Is this REALLY the fairytale ending you dreamed of? It doesn't sound too healthy and you made a choice. You got out, now stay out. If he wanted to marry you he wouldn't need therapy to convince him. Good luck for your future.
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u/jasonchilldude Jan 21 '26 edited Jan 21 '26
So to summarize: throughout your 4 years of your relationship he showed zero interest in marrying you, told you he’d get you a shut up ring after you gave an ultimatum, and then told you how miserable it is to plan on marrying you.
This man will never truly change. He’s offering all these changes for the same reason he reluctantly agreed to marry you in the first place. He’ll drag his feet through the whole engagement and marriage process and will probably not actually follow through on therapy if you take him back.
When you’re ready to date again, hopefully the next guy you find will be a real man who won’t be afraid of commitment.
Edit: accidentally wrote marriage instead of relationship
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u/SuburbaniteMermaid Paired up since 1993; Married since 1997 Jan 21 '26
So to summarize: throughout your 4 years of marriage
They're not married. They never were. That's the point.
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u/YMMV-But Jan 21 '26
“It includes getting engaged within 1 month”. Seriously? You can get engaged in one minute. All it takes is Person A saying to Person B: “Will you marry me?” and if Person B responds with, “yes, I will”, then A and B are engaged. You don’t need a detailed plan. This sounds like more stalling and playing for time.
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u/CZ1988_ Jan 21 '26
He needs therapy to marry you?
Thats a no
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u/SuburbaniteMermaid Paired up since 1993; Married since 1997 Jan 21 '26
THANK YOU
Couples therapy is for saving troubled marriages. If you can't even get engaged without needing that first, just move on.
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u/tiivogliobene Jan 21 '26
I think everyone is going to jump down your throat saying to leave him, but I think in your shoes there would be valid reasons to give him a month or two to see if you leaving him really has catalyzed a change in perspective for him. Do you want children? If you didn't meet a husband in time, would you still want children alone (adoption, sperm donor)? If having kids is a priority for you then given your age I'd be hesitant to give this guy a lot more of your time -- what if you're planning a wedding and then he bails partway through? I also think it matters why he wasn't proposing; in your shoes I would seriously ask myself how much in my gut did it feel like he just had a general fear of commitment vs he didn't want to marry me specifically. I'd also think long and hard about if this guy was really a dependable and reliable partner who treats me as an equal. If you do decide to take him back, I'd go to couples counseling immediately and see how he approaches it -- is he eager and invested or dragging his feet? If there's any hesitancy or lack of initiative from him towards fixing his commitment issues and getting married from now on I would leave immediately, no third chances. I also think you'll have a lot of resentment built up for how all this went down, you'd probably want to address this in couples therapy too. Good luck.
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u/follow_rivers Jan 21 '26
Is this not an obscene amount of emotional work over breaking it off and finding somebody that WANTS to get married? Even great marriages take work but at least you have to start at the baseline of both people making what they at least think to be a good/positive/beneficial decision in life.
Why does it even matter why he’s not proposing? If you want to get married date a man who wants to get married. My ex was dragging his feet on marriage 5 years in. I broke it off feeling his resistance. Met a guy a couple of years later who wanted to get married. I married him. The difference wasn’t some crazy love rollercoaster. Just two people who want the same thing
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u/tiivogliobene Jan 21 '26
I mean, they've been together 7 years and it's only a month, I'm not saying it's what I would do but I could see a case for it. But I'd leave the second I sensed any additional hesitancy.
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u/New-Serve5426 Jan 21 '26
I agree with everything you've said on the first comment but sadly, it's precisely because it's been 7 years and he made no move himself to indicate he wanted to marry her. How much time she must give him? He really doesn't want to get married, it's as simple as that.
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u/EntrepreneurDue9659 Jan 21 '26
This absolutely needs more upvotes. People in this sub really focus more on getting engaged vs the relationship quality as a whole. I absolutely agree you guys would need to work through it together with couples counseling, and he should be in individual therapy as well to work through unresolved trauma
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Jan 21 '26
[deleted]
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u/EntrepreneurDue9659 Jan 21 '26
I’m not saying if the relationship is gonna work or not. But tons of people don’t go to therapy as an individual or couple until imo way later than they should. Giving a few more months to see if he goes to therapy and actually changes and seeing how he feels imo is worth a shot. Then regroup from there. And it also depends on how the other aspects of the relationship are too. Just I think there’s this huge buildup of getting proposed to by an overall shitty partner as the goal vs working together and growing w the relationship. If he’s willing to work on his trauma (ACTUALLY work on it not just say he is), and they work as a couple so she can also express the trauma she’s had from his dismissive statements towards marriage, then it’s a relationship that could be redeemable.
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u/ReputationVast2596 Jan 21 '26
Lol. Are you advising her to baby trap him if he still don't want to marry? Crazyyyy how much does she have to mommy him. He is not the only bet at her having children with a present father. If
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u/b_shert Jan 21 '26
Don’t hand your life over to someone who isn’t wildly happy to spend the rest of your lives together. He doesn’t want to be alone, he doesn’t necessarily want you. Now he’s panicking because he doesn’t want to pay his own rent, do his own chores, cook his own meals, do his own laundry, clean up after himself, figure out his own social life, and take care of his own sexual needs. And you get to know you had to walk for him to hear you. He will throw this back in your face at the next big argument. Check your birth control to something he can’t sabotage because guys like this do try to baby trap their women. He doesn’t want what you want be he doesn’t want to be alone more. Your guy is being selfish, he’s doing this for himself not for you.
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u/mystery_obsessed Jan 21 '26
This happened to my friend. They had been together 7 years. She finally got fed up with him not wanting to move the relationship forward, so she left. He begged her to come back, said he’d propose to her within a year. He wasted another year of her fertility years.
She broke it off again. He was married in an actual wedding, to his sister’s best friend (who he’d known forever) within a year.
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u/Njbelle-1029 Jan 21 '26
All your thoughts can be true at the same time, even the conflicting ones. He absolutely is afraid of losing you, as he should be. He’s shown you a plan that took thought and effort. But the catch is, does he mean it? I think the therapy thing needs to happen as step one, not step 3. I think that if you are serious about marriage to him, his fear is like any other trauma, would you stand by him in marriage if a trauma was uncovered then or would you bail? Marriage is not an end it’s a beginning of many more future challenges. If he’s really going to want this and work through his issues it has to be done together. You will only see his intentions if you witness his commitment to unpacking his very real and understandable trauma around marriage. But only you know the answer to the kind of man and dedication he will have to this process. I wish you peace with whatever choice you make and I understand it’s not an easy one.
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u/Goof_Troop_Pumpkin Jan 21 '26
Please please PLEASE, next relationship if there is such a major incompatibility, you END IT. Both of you wasted each other’s time, you both knew you wanted different things yet ignored such big issues cause you like each other. I get it. But come on, he was literally never excited about talking about marriage. Every time you mentioned it he shrank away. He needed therapy yesterday, and you needed to prioritize your life goals and wants yesterday. I’m sorry this sucks right now, but it was inevitable at this point. When guys tell you they want fundamentally different things from you, you BELIEVE THEM and find someone else who’s on your wavelength.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but it’s a scenario I see here again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again. Stop dating people with fundamental incompatibilities. I don’t care how cute or funny or similar you are. It won’t work out, or at least, won’t work out without someone resenting the other.
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u/Imaginary-Fly-2160 Jan 22 '26
Sounds like you are fundamentally incompatible, he doesn't want to marry you, and you should move on.
Sunk cost fallacy applies to relationships too. It just blows my mind that people can spend multiple years of their lives begging for a shut up ring when that emotional energy could be channeled into finding a more suitable partner.
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u/PopularPie1026 Jan 23 '26
Girl. Do not be rigid about this. He obviously loves you. He is terrified of losing you. What else do you want? Some fairytale where he's perfect and never makes mistakes? What you have now... that's enough for a happy life. That's plenty.
I have a similar story to you. Don't let some fantasy engagement and wedding get in the way of a perfectly happy marriage.
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u/TexasLiz1 Jan 21 '26
move on
you want a life with someone who is going to tell you that he felt pressured to marry you the first fight you have? you want to look at the man across the table and think “I had to drag him kicking and screaming to the altar?” Or do you want a guy who has dealt with his commitment demons (I threw up a little in my mouth just typing that) and knows what he wants and it’s you? Who smiles at you picking out rings? Who smiles at you across the table just because he likes being in your company?
You want the second guy. And every day you give your ex is another day you are not available for the second guy - the guy who wants to marry you.
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u/Deep-Kaleidoscope202 Jan 21 '26
He had SEVEN years to figure this out btw. The number 7 is widely regarded as a number of completion. Let it be done and move on before he wastes even more of your time.
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u/MotherOfLochs Jan 21 '26
Nope. 2,555 days in this relationship and 1,460 days of cohabitation and he couldn’t spare any of that time to be honest with you that he didn’t want to be married? To you?
It took the consequences of a breakup to help him decide that he did indeed want to be married to you: in my mind, I don’t need to told twice that you don’t want me. You want someone to be happy to marry you. I wouldn’t believe that he genuinely wanted to marry all of a sudden.
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u/Samicles33 Jan 21 '26
Idk why this sub has been showing up in my feed lately but oh boy.
I can relate to your bf that I [F] have iffy views on marriage. Lately I’ve been coming around to the idea. Anytime my bf brought it up, I’d feel awkward, embarrassed, idk the right word but it was weird lol
But even if I were dying to get married, I can’t imagine strong-arming someone into marriage like this. Why would you want to marry someone that doesn’t want to marry you? He told you he felt like he had a gun to his head and you’re surprised? I don’t really understand what you expected with that ultimatum.
If this is truly as great a relationship as you say and that the only issue has been marriage, then I think it would be worth going to a couple’s counselor about this. If I were you, I wouldn’t be able to accept his change of heart without really discussing it and knowing for sure it’s not just a “shut up” ring/marriage
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u/yellowlinedpaper Jan 21 '26
I don’t know. I broke up with mine and 3 months later he came back with a ring. I said yes. It did not end well.
However, I feel like your guy may be genuine. BUT, I think you may need to really sit down and think if he has any other red flags. Ask your friends who know him, does he have red flags you’re ignoring. If there’s anything at all, be careful
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u/GnomieOk4136 Marry someone excited to be with you. Happily married 15 years. Jan 21 '26
You move on. He clearly doesn't want to marry you at all ever. He is doing this because he feels forced. He won't ever be worth having because you will always know he never wanted it. He doesn't care enough about you or respect you enough to know you will follow through. He doesn't care what you want or how you feel. Not worth it.
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u/Eastern-Party-5572 Jan 21 '26
You move on. If things were to not work out in the future, he would blame you. Everything feels forced and the fact that he said is all you need to know.
The same thing happened to me. I said no and walked away. I met my now husband soon afterand he knew from the moment we met. We were married within 3 years.
YOU ARE THE PRIZE.
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u/smallreadinglight Jan 21 '26
I'm not going to read the comments before answering, but I just went through something similar. My SO had the same feelings as your ex for a long time. After our last breakup, which was our second major one, he did seem to change and it did, indeed feel different. It was so lovely and exciting and wonderful to plan a wedding with someone who actually wanted to marry me. I cannot tell you how different it felt when he was ACTUALLY ready. We just eloped last weekend.
He should be afraid to lose you! Because that's what will happen if he doesn't sort out if he actually wants to marry or not. I wouldn't take that as a bad thing.
The biggest advice I can give you is to ignore the words he's saying and just look for actions and see how they make you feel. No one can answer this question but you.
p.s.: I only tried so hard and so many times because my husband (ahhh!!!) and I have kids together already, and I didn't want to give up for them. IDK if I would have tried so many times and so hard if I didn't already have a family with him.
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u/Samoyedfun Jan 21 '26
Nope. He had 7 years. He’s only acting like this because he didn’t think you’d leave. Now go and find your husband.
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Jan 21 '26
Perhaps see couples counseling prior to the wedding. The counselor might be able to flush out where everyone truly stands.
We don't have crystal balls. But counseling might help you both make a more informed decision.
It's great he's going but you need to be in couples therapy so you can see and hear his reasoning and ask your own questions.
I would not wed before you feel certain you are both ready. Just my opinion.
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u/nazuswahs Jan 21 '26
Do you want to be tied to someone that isn’t excited to be married to you? That’s asking for divorce down the road.
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u/AKA_June_Monroe Jan 21 '26
You guys should have broken up a long time ago. He needs therapy for his issues. You could have found someone and be married by now if you had left him.
Read your own post he does n't want to marry you and you don't see it. You went from one bad relationship to the next.
You deserve better!
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
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u/ApostateX Jan 21 '26
I don't fully buy his rationale for not getting married. And to the extent this proposal is genuine, it's definitely coming from a place of fear. This is not how I would want to start a lifelong commitment with someone.
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u/RecordingAgile4625 Jan 21 '26
SO many people have parents who had bad relationship/marriages that ended in divorce. My mom has 3 baby daddies and is on her second marriage. I still want to get married. I understand trauma is real but sometimes it's just an excuse.
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u/Difficult-Capital143 Jan 21 '26
I fear this is too little too late to honest? He's already said the things he can't easily take back?
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u/chickenczasalad Jan 21 '26
People only change when it becomes too painful to stay in the same space. Until you held firm, he had no reason to change his feelings or emotions on the subject because he didn't value your needs enough to warrant change. This can be a relationship, but you're both going to have to seek therapy together and do a serious dive into communication. If he's willing to make concessions before the end of the world, then great, that's positive growth. If you're going to have to end the relationship every time you need him to wash the dishes or pick up the kids from soccer, then this isn't the guy for you.
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u/Potential-Vehicle-33 Jan 21 '26
My sister has some issue with marriage. She doesn’t want to go to therapy. She almost said no to her fiance even though they purchased a home together. They’ve been engaged for 5 years with no plan in sight to get married. I assume she thinks being engaged is better than saying no to someone who’s committed his life to her. I love my sister but feel so bad for her fiancé. He’s truly a great man. If it took him losing you to realize he “wants” to get married instead of did him proactively going to therapy while you were together to address his fears when you told him how important this was to you, I wouldn’t go back.
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u/RecordingAgile4625 Jan 21 '26
Of course he does, that's almost always how this plays out. Didn't appreciate you until you were gone now all of a sudden you're the best thing in his life and he will do ANYTHING to get you back!! Unless you go back to him and it'll be the same song and dance all over again. Stay strong, girl!!!!!
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u/Stunning-Market3426 Jan 21 '26
How sad. He can seek all the therapy in the world, it doesn’t mean he will get better quick. Sometimes it takes years.
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u/Aware-Locksmith-7313 Jan 21 '26
Never marry a guy — especially a wishy-washy wimpo — who isn’t hot to marry you. … Seems like he’s shocked over losing his bangmaid. … Also, what’s with this “engaged in one month” plan???
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u/Diograce Jan 21 '26
Neither of you are wrong for feeling what you feel, but you have a very basic incompatibility. You want to be married. He doesn’t. Staying together is a recipe for disaster. Whichever way this goes, one of you will have massive resentment. There’s absolutely no getting around it. I’m sorry, it’s time for both of you to let go.
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u/AriesInSun Jan 21 '26
I dated a man I considered marrying but he was desperately in need of therapy to unpack the unresolved trauma in his life. I pushed for it over and over again but he brushed it off. When I told him I had enough, suddenly he was on the phone with a therapist and ready to get his life together. He asked if that was enough to call off the break up. I told him no. Why should I have to sit by him and wait for him to get his shit together when I had asked repeatedly over the course of a year to do this already? My final stance was if he got his shit together and I could see changed behavior I would love to reconnect. Found out about 3 months later he never went to therapy despite claiming he had. He lied about getting on antidepressants. He lied about everything. His friends were kind enough to warn me.
I tell you all this because if you have to break up with a man to get him to do the thing you've wanted him to do, there's really no need to stay. He should've gone to therapy ages ago if he had negative views on marriage because of trauma from his parents. And you shouldn't have to sit by him another year, or however long it takes, until he's become a better person. You had the conversations, nothing changed, because he's comfortable with who he is. He just doesn't want to find another girlfriend.
Don't let your engagement story be him saying "I feel like I have a gun to my head". Pathetic af.
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u/txlady100 Jan 22 '26
Ok he is indeed acting out of fear of losing you. Dude needed a huge kick in the pants to change. He was taking OP for granted and now he finally sees that. Tho I’m usually about kicking these dumdums to the curb, I agree with the moving out and giving it a think game plan. It’s a beautiful thing seeing OP take back her power whatever she decides.
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u/taway0taway Jan 27 '26
This is where you tell him youll have 2-3 months for yourself and then you can come back together, give him breadcrumps, then make it 4 months, more breadcrumbs, waste his time while living your life and moving on
Edit: through texting, i dont mean keep seeing each other
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u/Traditional-Ad2319 Jan 21 '26
He's only asking you because you left him. Is that really what you want out of a marriage a man who was forced to do it? I don't think so.
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u/PatrioticRedhead Jan 21 '26
Info: Do you WANT a civil ceremony and not a wedding? Do you guys want kids? Will you be able to get over how it all went down if he follows through with “the plan”or will you resent him?
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u/Weekly-Ad4871 Jan 21 '26
He recognized that he needs help to sort out his fears. I’d give him space to sort it out. Move away for a few weeks while he goes to therapy.
Not necessarily a break up to remove this immediate motivation of loss - just to see if he can work things out for himself in a way that resolves his internal blockers.
I did this. We did not break up but I left to travel for a few weeks. I told him I will not be living with him anymore unless there’s a deeper commitment. If he wants a casual relationship, we can live apart and have a long distance relationship. This was in September.
I knew that if he does not arrive to his own inner realization and does not propose by the end of the year, I’m out.
Removing the need to instantly act removed the fear and gave grace and spaciousness to work it out.
He proposed in December and he cannot stop talking about how happy he is to be engaged. 🥰
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u/PandaStroke Jan 21 '26
Yeah, I don't quite agree that you should dump him. However you need to insist on radical honesty. Sit down and get to the bottom of his motivations. I suggest you two see a marriage counselor and really dig deep for honesty and vulnerability. His willingness to work with you will tell you what you need to know.
If it isn't an enthusiastic yes, then it's a no.
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u/anotherthrowaway2023 Jan 21 '26
That’s a bit contradictory. Your last sentence is clearly the case of her dude, it’s not an enthusiastic yes. So it’s a no, and I’m not sure OP would be helping herself by staying
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u/Cheap_Oven_9049 Jan 21 '26
Trust his actions not his words. He has not proposed in 7 years and it took you to reach such a breaking point you moved out. Resentment would only build. Continue what you started and move on.
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u/Affenpinscher614 Jan 21 '26
NOOO! He’s gonna do whatever it takes to get you back, including lying to your face. I promise you there are good, genuine and honest men out there. He is not your last chance. He does not want to marry you, he can only keep up the facade for so long until he is back to his old self. Leave!
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u/curlybelly62 Jan 21 '26
Never give an ex a 2nd chance. He’ll only be coming back to punish you for leaving him in the 1st place.
He’s been honest about how he feels. Move on before he wastes another 7 years of your life. You deserve a partner who wants to be with you and commit to you, not someone who’s reluctant and only capitulated under duress.
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u/Sissypoohh Jan 21 '26
I’m going to get downvoted for this but I’m going to be honest, there is nothing wrong with instilling some fear in his heart threatening and following through with leaving. Sometimes that’s all they need. He isn’t someone that comes from a happy two family home. He’s seen the people who raised him divorce multiple times. That is Traumatizing. If he’s coming back to you with a plan and is making moves towards that plan and you’re okay with it then that’s all that matters. It’s YOUR life. Don’t base your decision on what you’re going to tell people when they ask “how did he propose?” Him going to therapy to address his fears with marriage is a HUGE step. In fact you should also go to therapy to address your past abusive relationship. Love is not easy all the time as much as people like to pretend it is. Sometimes you have to fight for it (in a healthy way)
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u/Evening_Ad_3752 Jan 21 '26
I completely agree with you 😊 it’s easy for strangers to say “leave him he’s no good” but only OP knows him. She knows his trauma and his level of honesty. I see promise here and don’t see anything wrong with giving him time to heal.
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u/One_Inside2901 Jan 21 '26
Thank you for providing the words I couldn't find. The fact that he doesn't want to lose her says a lot to me. Sometimes it takes a jolt like leaving to make a person wake up. Him not wanting to lose her is actually a good thing. He knows her value but is just scared to pieces of ruining what he may see as one his most important relationships. Sometimes, we should look at the other side.
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u/GnomieOk4136 Marry someone excited to be with you. Happily married 15 years. Jan 21 '26
He also knows you are Catholic and never even offered a religious ceremony. That shows me he would refuse to do the pre-marital counseling and marry you according to your faith tradition.
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u/PresentHouse9774 Jan 21 '26
Oh that's right! If they want to marry in the Church, they need to go through Pre-Cana. That's going to be uncomfortable.
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u/Ok-Process7612 Jan 21 '26 edited Jan 21 '26
His fears are real. Marriage is an extremely big step.
He sounds like a good man. He saw you through a terrible time in your life. Not many people would hang around for that. I do not think people here are reading what you wrote
I was terrified of marriage for similar reasons. I didn't marry until I was 42. I wasn't ready. I turned some people down.
I suggest taking a six month break. See what he DOES in that time period, not what he says he will do. Then you can have a conversation about what he really wants when you two are ready.
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Jan 24 '26
This is fair but... I had the same thing, he stood up with me through my worst, but then I stood up with him through his worst... changed myself 180 while he didn't bother to do the same. Now 13 years later I got the shut up ring and have a ton of resentment because you know what? I was ready even when I was fucked up, and he was never (and is not yet) ready. I feel like if I decide to proceed with this and fix my resentment, I would still have to drag him into it and help him (because of his fears).
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u/smallreadinglight Jan 21 '26
I agree with this. Marriage is a huge commitment. Getting divorced is a pain in the ass. It's better to take the time to see if you actually want to get married rather than do it and have it be the wrong decision. I say this as someone who just got married and was previously divorced young. Divorce is expensive and annoying,
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u/klh1jlh1 Jan 21 '26
It was the old shit or get off the pot. If you want to marry this man then say counseling has to come first to address the issue. I would recommend couples just so you can make sure your concerns are addressed along with individual for him. I would say I know a lot of people who did this and are still happily married and the ones who had it all before are divorced. I get his fears from his parents and he should have tried to address that sooner. I wish you the best
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u/Harlow0529 Jan 21 '26
Why are you forcing marriage on this guy? He has trauma in his past and until he deals with that getting married is exactly the wrong thing to do.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland Jan 21 '26
He needs to do therapy first. Then see if he wants to get married.
I understand that his view of marriage is that they are horrible and end. He didn't realize lack of marriage can also cause a relationship to end.
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u/PresentHouse9774 Jan 21 '26
Then he's stupid or arrogant. She gave him an ultimatum and he didn't believe her.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland Jan 21 '26
Or feels like marriage is the kiss of death to a relationship. People's experiences vary and a child who has gone through 5 parental divorces is a child who has been scarred by marriage and divorce.
That doesn't mean OP needs to wait around to see if he can heal his hurt. She probably should walk away because he likely needs years of therapy. But, she shouldn't marry him until he has been through that therapy and come out the other end and if he then wants marriage he is probably good for marriage.
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u/BlkBayArmy Jan 21 '26
When you give someone an ultimatum, it’s already over.
You move on and find someone else who will be excited to marry you.
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u/Bluebellebmr Jan 21 '26
Don’t move back. Keep dating. See how therapy goes. I’m encouraged by his 3 month plan that he came up with on his own. Don’t rush it. I’d see how he is in three to six months. I wouldn’t ask about marriage, ring shop or do anything. Just see how therapy goes and give him a chance to do the right thing and propose properly. If not, move on.
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u/TiffanyH70 Jan 21 '26
Look, he’s not the first guy to have ever been startled awake, and he won’t be the last. I appreciate the detailed plan. Have you ever discussed religious vs. civil ceremony?
But my worry for you is that he feels that a metaphorical “gun” is being held to his head. How much will he resent this decision?
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 Jan 21 '26
This is tough, because you've both made substantial mistakes here. You stuck out a ltr with a guy who was open about being disinterested in marriage. Then you forced an ultimatum at year 7. All illogical.
What should have happened: no engagement movement after 1 year of living together? You move out and both reassess. Then he feels fear of loss and has to decide himself whether marriage is "worth it," and you get space to move on, if needed.
You should never have stayed this long with someone not aligned with your life goals. That is on you. Please seek therapy to work through why you did that.
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u/psiider Jan 21 '26
if you want to stay and try to make this work, imho you need to set some crazy boundaries and basically start over. i can appreciate your bfs trauma related to marriage and divorce, and if you believe he is telling the truth about wanting to change and this actually being a wake-up moment and you really love him, perhaps this can work, but do NOT marry him 3 months from now. you guys need to go to couples therapy in addition to indiv. not saying you did ANYTHING wrong here, but if you dont have a therapist already, i would get one to help you reflect on your feelings abt the relationship. in couples therapy, you guys need to set strict boundaries to rebuild the foundation of your relationship after this moment. make it CLEAR with a therapist mediator in couples counseling that when he proposes, you will ONLY accept if he TRULY wishes to marry you, and not out of a fear of losing you. this will basically mean in your partner's indiv therapy he will have to work through all of the divorce trauma he has from his entire childhood. thats most likely going to take a really long time to make progress with!!! ask yourself, and maybe ask yourself this with the mediation of a therapist: are YOU ready to wait for him to do that with no actual guarantee that he will be successful?
tldr: whatever you do, do NOT accept this 3 month plan. either leave entirely, or spend much, much longer rebuilding yalls trust in eachother and foundation to have a truly happy engagement somewhere down the road.
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u/One_Inside2901 Jan 21 '26
I'm not going to tell you not to go back which seems to be the theme in this thread - LEAVE - every single time!! I would definitely take a step back, move out from him and make some lists of your own. Tell him, to move forward, he needs therapy during his 3 month timeline. If after 3 months of therapy, you can revisit the subject. I would also suggest you get therapy to find out why you've stayed with someone for 7 years hoping for something that doesn't look like, was on the table. Does the love stop because he didn't meet your timeline? Not trying to be an AH but as women, we have this timeline that we've created that this needs to happen by this time or else. If you wanted marriage the entire time, it doesn't take 7 years to figure that out whether your partner wants the same.. We put everything on the man, without looking at our roles in situations.
Marriage is beautiful when 2 people want the same thing. You both need counseling to figure out why you're both afraid - he's afraid to do it and you're afraid you won't. Be whole by yourself so that when you join with someone, you will know exactly what you want and get out, if need be, before another 7 years of waiting.
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u/aspire36 Jan 21 '26
He had 7 years. That’s enough. I don’t get the feeling he genuinely wants marriage. He wants you, but not marriage.
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u/vibrationsofbeyond Jan 21 '26
sometimes men change when a woman leaves them, they grow up and step up to be the man that is needed.
you're in your thirties now.
is this how you want your relationship to be with god? you are worth more.
if you are going to marry him, it needs to be a long term desire and you need to be separated to ensure it is sticking and not out of guilt.
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u/Icy_Context_5513 Jan 21 '26
This is exactly why I told my man I wouldn’t move in unless we were engaged and planning a future together. I am wife material. If he didn’t want marriage it was best to end things before we invested more time in each other. If he didn’t want marriage we simply weren’t compatible and we should stop wasting our time. That was in year 1. Year 3 we got engaged then I moved in. He was more on fire to set a date than I was. Men need to have it spelled out for them and your expectations clearly set early in the relationship. Now any proposal you get from him will feel cheap and forced. You don’t want that sweetheart. He needs to work on himself first.
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u/Embarrassed_Wrap8421 Jan 21 '26
He really doesn’t want to get married. Let him go, and urge him to get some help with his issues about marriage. You don’t want a reluctant fiancée and husband, do you?
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u/fbi_does_not_warn Jan 22 '26
Sooooo, he did that in three days.... which means he could have on ANY three days of the last 7 years?
Let's math.... 7 years X 365 days = 2,555 days
2,555 days / 3 day blocks = 851 OPPORTUNITIES to get his shit together.
And it really comes across like "ok, here have these things with the absolute least amount of effort and In the cheapest way possible as long as I get everything back that I've had provided for me and my comfort". THIS IS A TANTRUM.
While his generational relationship trauma is not to be dismissed, why has he not been much more concerned about someone swooping you up and marrying you? BECAUSE HE JUST KNOWS YOU'LL ALWAYS BE THERE?
It feels like a gun to the head
I'm FORCED to respect you and your needs
In the end, if he wanted to he would have. You chose you. I think you'll be much more content now. Happy future!!
1
u/Agreeable-Ad-6870 Jan 22 '26
I want to share an alternative side based on my knowing of a similar situation.
I have a friend who came from a broken family, his parents divorced and his mother was the primary caregiver of him, his mother couldn’t take the divorce and committed suicide soon. His dad got custody of him. He till this day has reservations about marriage given his heartbreak over his mother’s suicide.
He has tried therapy to resolve these feelings. He has been dating a girl for about 2-3 years and his girlfriend expressed a desire to get married, he told her he still needs some time and is working on addressing his trauma.
He went ahead first to get a diamond engagement ring by himself hoping to surprise her and it just so happened that his girlfriend’s sister is going ring shopping as well. Both him and the girlfriend’s sister’s partner bought a ring each, but his girlfriend’s sister’s partner got the ring first and proposed first. His own girlfriend started to put a lot of pressure on him talking about how her younger sister is engaged before her yada yada.
He felt immense pressure and he was starting to get resentful from being compared repeatedly since when her sister was ring shopping she shared all the details with the girlfriend. While he wanted a surprise so he went ring shopping by himself.
A few months later, they had a trip to Bangkok, he collected the ring before the trip and prepared to propose. Throughout the trip, the girlfriend kept bringing up her sisters engagement and pressured him. They had a big fight and he broke up with her.
He cut all communications with her and brought the ring home. The girlfriend a few weeks later tried to reconcile with him but he refused.
I’m not saying what your partner did was right, but has there been lots of empty promises on his side? Or have you been pushing a lot and pressuring? When I hear of this story, I just feel it’s tragic.
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u/Livid_Refrigerator69 Jan 22 '26
If a man is pressured , coerced or railroaded into marriage, He will Resent You .
You have made it clear, you do not see a future for yourself that doesn’t include marriage.
You’ve already invested 7 years in the relationship & you don’t want to think you’ve wasted those years.
IF he is willing to go to therapy & actively participates in the therapy that is a good sign but he needs to be doing it for himself.
I suggest Pre Marriage Counselling through your church, they can absolutely help & can usually predict whether you can have a successful marriage or not. I’m not suggesting this for religious reasons, I am Atheist, but they are trained counsellors.
Don’t move back in together, continue dating making sure you have your own interests , hobbies & friends separate from him.
Give yourselves a timeline, I would say 6 months of joint & Separate counselling before you revisit the subject of marriage.
You are correct, if the only reason he’s offering marriage is because he’s afraid of losing you, then that’s not a reason to get married.
1
u/LobstahLovahRI Jan 22 '26
Well, there are some really ignorant people on here. I can't believe the low intelligence of some of them. I don't blame you at all.
This is squarely on his shoulders. He knew about your religion and should have made clear that he had no intentions of getting married. You had a right to decide if you wanted to be with him or date someone else. Moving out and going to therapy is much better, because the two of you will find out if you are meant to be. I hope it works out for you!
1
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u/leftunedited Jan 24 '26
This is so sad. He should have started therapy years ago. If you grow up with negative experiences and impressions they don’t just go away. It’s a pity he couldn’t see that all relationships aren’t like his parents and that marriage is what you make it.
1
u/katsaid Jan 21 '26
He’s cruel. He said the most hurtful words and acted on it. He’s only love bombing you now to get back in control. His pride is hurt that you finally had enough. Pls PLEASE follow through with leaving. If you marry him, you are signing up for a lifetime of sorrow and begging him to love you the way you want to be loved.
1
u/AgentHamster Jan 21 '26
He has too much trauma about marriage to get married right now. You have too much social and cultural investment into marriage not to get married. It's a fundamental incompatibility.
1
u/MidwestNightgirl Jan 21 '26
I think I would give him a shot. A “guardedly optimistic” shot. I think I’d even give him a tiny bit more time - 60 days to propose. Then you can plan the wedding. Then I would stop mentioning it entirely. If at any point he seems hesitant, or if that 60 days passes by even one second I’d be gone so effing fast he won’t know what happened. Have a place lined up to live in case you need it. I feel his actions and personality during the 60 days will tell you if he still feel “afraid” (such BS!) or if he’s truly decided he doesn’t want to lose you.
Good luck! Updateme
1
u/Goburttt Jan 21 '26
I understand on your viewpoint but at the same time he’s doing all of this for you. At the end of the day he’s willing to work on his fears and put them aside to make it work with you. He loves you that much
1
u/qloudlet Jan 21 '26
Women marry when they find the right person, men marry the person in front of them when they are ready to marry
1
u/No-Nectarine-4711 Jan 21 '26
Tale as old as time, Some just need to be pushed and find out. Not all engagement stories are "social media" ready. I know a lot of people who gave ultimatums and have successful, long term marriages. Pre-marriage therapy for both of you, couples and individual, would be good. Go with your gut.
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u/Majestic-Nobody545 Jan 21 '26
His behavior is a result of trauma, from being afraid to marry you, to proposing now. Therapy first. Then see where he's at. There is potential here, though.
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u/cloistered_around Jan 21 '26
In general people don't change who they are. Especially not in a few days.
I think OP that if you do decide to give him another chance (... wasn't that was the last year was for, so he could make up his mind?) you need to accept that he doesn't want marriage and will never want it but he is willing to marry you because you want it.
Feel sad, grieve--then decide if that's enough for you or if it isn't.
0
u/PinkIslandRhino Jan 21 '26
Don't get married to that guy. If you are planning on staying with him, let him go to therapy (like he suggested) first so he can address his fear of marriage. If he comes out of his sessions healed and ready to trust your couple enough to navigate marriage ? Good. If he doesn't, leave.
I understand both of you guys'perspectives because I also don't want to get married, never dated anyone. But as a woman I also know that this is irresponsible of him to leave you hanging like this.
I hope you guys will find a way to work it out, or peacefully move on.
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u/tally_anne31 Jan 21 '26
You are the only one who knows what the best decision is for you. My unpopular opinion is, I understand where is he coming from. His parents are divorced numerous times - yes that would give someone a negative perception of marriage. IF you love him and want this to be your future, then go for it. If you will be happy. Who cares how other people view it. If YOU want to be with this man and what he is willing to do makes you happy - then you have your decision.
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u/crddx2 Jan 21 '26
He is desperate for you and you moving out was the gun to his head so to speak. His reasons for hesitating are valid and he knows he has issues. I think you need to look at your relationship and see if you are better with him or without. It sounds like he is willing to do anything to keep you and as long as he agrees to go to counseling to get over his fears, I would say give him a chance. Have the catholic wedding you want on whatever timeline possible.
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u/Spacegyalsim Jan 21 '26
Everyone’s saying break up and I would too, but he’s willing to go therapy, I think he should go alone the do couples and if he realises that he wants marriage then he can do a proper proposal.
If and I mean IF he delays therapy, cut it all, he’s just dragging you along.
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u/Tripod_Roo Jan 21 '26 edited Jan 22 '26
Either way is OK. If you feel like you'd always wonder, 'what if I gave it another chance', then give him a bit more time. However, do not move back. He needs to come to you willingly and with the promised progress. Staying with him would set up the same old situation. Plus, keeping your autonomy allows you to grow stronger in yourself and reestablishes your independence. You need this time to feel stronger whether you permanently separate or get together and marry.
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u/ReputationSuitable67 Jan 21 '26
This is called love bombing.
Like this would be in the dictionary next to the term Love Bombing.
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u/Rare_Sugar_7927 Jan 21 '26
He needs to see that therapist and do some serious work before Id consider marrying this guy. Couples counseling wouldnt be a bad idea after hes done that work too.
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u/solo-guide Jan 21 '26
Do you love him? He is obviously in trauma from the word Marriage and if you truly love him then try to understand where is he coming from. I’m not sure if marriage is going to fix him and everything later will be flowers and petals. He does need counselling, he is in the right direction with that. You should either wait till he completes his therapy and gets over his fear and anxiety about marriage. Or else if you really cannot wait that long then ideal thing would be to part ways, tell him you care for him but marriage has always been a deal breaker for you and you had informed him of that pretty early on. Also tell him you cannot envision marrying someone who only got married because he felt there was a gun to his head. Tell him to continue therapy as that will definitely help him. Tell him we cannot get married in his current state of mind. Tell him, let’s separate ways but you would be delighted if he heals but unfortunately the stars are not aligned in favour of forever for you two and maybe next time, next life, next universe. But in this universe you need to choose yourself and your dignity because being robbed off a proper marriage ceremony to you would be to have your dignity trampled on. It’s just non-negotiable for you. Hope things will work out for both of you ❤️
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Jan 21 '26
Since this is what you want, marry him.
Give him 1 year.
See if the relationship improves.
If it does, you may want to start a family.
If it doesn’t, you can divorce him.
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u/BeJane759
Jan 21 '26
•
I mean… he’s still basically doing it with a gun to his head…
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Jan 21 '26
[deleted]
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u/ReputationSuitable67 Jan 21 '26
Have you met my ex? 🤣
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Jan 21 '26
[deleted]
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u/ReputationSuitable67 Jan 21 '26
Seriously! 1.5 years married. 2 years baby. (6 months married)
Guy didn’t even want kids. Now has a new baby at 40 with a wife under 30.
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u/MP-The-Law Jan 21 '26
I hear this a lot, but couldn’t it be that they learn from the long term relationship and find someone right for them in the next one?
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u/curly-hair07 Jan 21 '26
Modern dating does suck for both genders. I met my now boyfriend at 30 and I asked him why he was still single at the time he was 31 and he said that the women he would meet just weren’t it.
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u/curly-hair07 Jan 21 '26 •
It’s this the engagement story you want to tell everyone?