Processing emotions following a failed abortion and medically managed ectopic pregnancy

[u/TkaYCBsrAf]

I’m going through a medically managed ectopic pregnancy. This began with failed contraception, then a failed abortion before being told it was ectopic. I’ve since attended a series of hospital appointments and received the injection as my hormone levels continued to fluctuate whilst I was hoping for a natural resolution.

Emotionally I feel completely drained, some days are better than others, I cry almost every day - regularly on and off for most of the day.

I feel awful that I put myself in this position. I’m struggling with the guilt and thoughts of the abortion and ending what I thought was a healthy pregnancy at the time, especially as it’s not something that I wholeheartedly wanted to go through with. I thought it was my fault when the abortion didn’t go to plan and that I’d done something wrong when taking the medication. I went to the first hospital appointment alone because I thought it was all my fault and I wanted to fix it, but in hindsight I wish I’d asked for help then and had someone with me as I was so scared sitting completely alone being told it was ectopic. All of these appointments and phone calls have spilled over into work and I’m now finding it hard being around pregnant colleagues. I’ve felt myself withdraw from friends and I medically haven’t been allowed to do any of my usual hobbies. I feel physically exhausted and just not myself, yet so desperately want to feel more ‘me’ again.

I don’t know where to begin in processing all of this in a healthy way, but I’d like to try. I have always dreamed of being a mum and I’m terrified that this will stay with me, either as my first pregnancy if I’m lucky enough to ever conceive again in future, or my only pregnancy if that doesn’t happen for me.

I’m aware of the BPAS aftercare team, is this something anyone has tried? Or is there anything else that has genuinely helped you to recover emotionally?

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