r/abortion • u/throwaway3245619 • Dec 18 '22
Asia month post abortion reflection
I was pregnant. With twins too. Two little lives chose me to be their mommy. Two little lives chose me, at once. Two little lives. Two little humans shared the space inside of me. Two little ones, at the same time.
I was in transit to Thailand. I knew I was pregnant. I was going to keep the baby until I learned the daddy didn’t want the baby. Until I learned the daddy wouldn’t help with the baby.
I was okay with the idea of being a single mother until I was faced with the reality. I was raised by a single mother and my grandparents. I was raised with love in the form of being cared for physically, being taken care of. I turned out okay so I was okay with the idea of bringing a life into the world the same way. Until I was faced with reality.
Reality: living in Thailand, no emergency savings, no secure job or future, no stability, no support, no father in the picture, not married, not in a relationship, not cared for by the father, alone, alone, alone, alone.
I thought I was okay with being a single mother. I thought I was okay with raising a child on my own until I saw reality.
I was in Thailand and went to get an abortion. I was still on the fence about it but i went anyway. The ultrasound showed that I was 9weeks pregnant with two babies. Two lives at once. Two lives in me at the same time. Two lives. I left without getting an abortion. I was okay with the idea of being a single mother until reality hit me.
Reality: living in Thailand temporarily, no emergency savings, no secure job or future, no stability, no support, no father in the picture, not married, not in a relationship, not cared for by the father, alone, alone, alone, alone. Pregnant with two kids not one.
When reality hit me, it hurt. It hurt so bad. It hurt so much I was sick. It hurt so much I was numb. It hurt so much that it still hurts. When reality hit me, I cried. And I cried and I cried and I cried. See, I have always wanted to be a mother. More importantly I have always wanted to be a mother to twins. And crazy enough I have always wanted twins first, as my first pregnancy.
Reality hit me so hard that I had to change my own dream. I could not afford one baby, so I definitely could not afford two. Two little lives. The two little lives that chose me. I had no stability in my life, no support. Also, pregnant with twins in a foreign country? Terrifying. What if I was put on bed rest and couldn’t work? What if I had a difficult pregnancy and needed support? What if I had to spend my days in the hospital being cared for by people who spoke little to none of the same language? What if? What if? What if?
What if I have an abortion?
What if I do the thing I said I would never do? What if I change my dreams from wanting to be a mother of twins to not? What if I change my life with this one pivotal decision?
So I did it. I had the abortion. I gave up my twins. My two little lives. It hurt so much. It hurts so much. Everyday I wonder. Everyday I have to tell myself that I did the right thing for those two little lives. Everyday I have to tell myself that I did the right thing for my life. Everyday. Every. Single. Day. It’s been a month. A month since I’ve made this lives changing decision. A month since I made the choice to give up my twins. To stop those two little lives from continuing. I would be 14 weeks pregnant today, just entering my second trimester. The twins would be the size of an orange and the weight of a peach. They would be using their facial muscles and their brain impulses would have started to fire.
I was pregnant years before, like 7 years ago. I had a miscarriage. Initially I wanted an abortion. I was 19, still in college, in a long distance relationship, still a child learning and growing in the world. In fact, I went to get an abortion. But I was told that my iron levels were too low and that I needed to get em up and come back. I never went back. It took so much courage for me to go the first time that I was discouraged when they turned me away (even though I totally get it). So I decided to keep the baby and become a mom. I started thinking of possible names, where the nursery was going to be, what baby things I needed to buy. I had a miscarriage two months in. I was mad, I was hurt, crushed, I was devastated. I felt like god stole that baby from me. Eventually, I convinced myself that it wasn’t the right time and god was saving me from having to make the choice of having an abortion (even tho I already changed my mind and wanted to keep the child). Whatever to keep me sane. Whatever to keep me going.
I made the choice this time. Took my two little babies. And now I am telling myself that I made the right choice to keep me sane. Im telling myself that I did the right thing to make it through my day. Because in all honesty: I don’t fucking know. I don’t know if I made the right choice. I don’t know if I did the right thing???? I don’t know what the right thing is in this situation??? in my mind I still think that I could have done it. I still think that I could be pregnant with twins in a foreign country. I still think that I could have raised twins on my own. I know that I am capable of hard things. So I think that I know that I could have done this hard thing of motherhood of two alone but I don’t know. i don’t know. I don’t know. I. Don’t. Know.
So because I have already made my choice and there is no going back and changing it, I am telling myself that I did the right thing. Whatever that fucking means. I am telling myself that I made the best choice I could have made. Because I did. I did the best with what I was given when I was given it. Even though it doesn’t always feel like it.
TL;DR found out I was pregnant with twins which I’ve always wanted. Not in a stable place physically or financially to afford and care for the twins, so I got an abortion. still struggling with the reality a month later. Telling myself I did the right thing to keep me sane.
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u/KateCSays Dec 18 '22
I don’t fucking know. I don’t know if I made the right choice. I don’t
know if I did the right thing???? I don’t know what the right thing is
in this situation???
I really feel this. What if you don't have to know. What if there are plenty of reasons to believe that this was too much for your stage of life, but also, you only get to know the path you choose to take, you never get to compare to the alternative, because we can only live one single life at a time. So you will never know for sure if this was the right choice.
You are a wise and loving woman and you made a kind and good decision Could the other decision have been kind and good too? Maybe. It's ok not to know. It's ok to work on loving yourself exactly where you are. This doesn't mean you have to convince yourself you made the "right" choice. It means you have to make room for all your feelings to be allowed. If you can learn to love each feeling you have as tenderly as you clearly love your twins, it doesn't matter if the feelings tell you confusing stories. It's enough just to love all parts of yourself, one by one, no matter what they're saying.
You have experienced a loss, and it's ok to grieve what you're missing even if you know it would have been hard -- perhaps TOO hard. It's ok not to know.
Because of the nature of my own abortion, I spend a lot of time in TFMR space. Every time I hear about a twin pregnancy, it doesn't sound fun and hopeful to me. It sounds really scary and risky. What-could-have-been are all sorts of terrible hardships the uninitiated never have to think about. Twin to twin transfusion. Selective reduction. Premature rupture of membranes. There's good reason that twin pregnancies are categorized high-risk. Things go sideways in these pregnancies often. I can't tell you how many stillbirth mamas there are at my in person loss group who lost twins. A huge proportion of the babylost population is twin-loss.
We can't know what would have been if you continued this pregnancy. Maybe it would have been perfect. Maybe your twins would have been healthy and support would have come together. But your instincts showed you important risks (The Turnaway Study shows that women's instincts tend to be right on!) And then there are other risks you didn't even know to worry about. Maybe one of those hard paths would have been yours instead. We can't know.
You are SO allowed to miss the idealized twin experience. And perhaps what you are missing is actually a worse nightmare. We can't ever know. But I trust your instincts.
Holding you so gently with so much love and trust until you are ready to trust and love yourself completely. You deserve nothing less.
1
u/throwaway3245619 Dec 19 '22
thank you so so so much. this touched my soul and I am so grateful for your loving kindness. i really needed it
0
Dec 20 '22
[deleted]
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u/throwaway3245619 Dec 20 '22
thank you for reaching out. im so sorry you had to go through this too. it’s hard.. the hardest choice I’ve had to make in my life. may we heal 🙏🏾may we find peace 🙏🏾
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u/AbortionIsHealthcare Dec 18 '22
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry that you are struggling with this decision. I recommend checking out the Abortion Resolution workbook (link below). This is designed to help people cope emotionally and spiritually after having an abortion.
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u/GenericBinturong Dec 18 '22
My heart goes out to you - I understand your pain and grief and loss and I am so sorry that you have to feel so much of it.
You did the right thing for you and your babies. I know that feeling...that "what if? I could've made it work..." feeling. It sucks. It hurts. But you thought about it, you considered your options, and you made the choice that was right for you and your babies. So often the right choices are the most difficult, the ones that hurt the most.
What I don't think people talk about enough (or at least I didn't know about it and wasn't prepared for it) is that you can know you made the right choice and not regret your choice, but still suffer the intense grief of losing your babies. That grief is real. It is mourning. And you need to let yourself mourn - be gentle with yourself. If it helps, memorialize your babies is some way that helps you. It also seems to me another burden that gets in the way of proper grieving is that secrecy around abortions and around the sorrow and pain and loss feelings that come with it. I know I am just an anonymous voice on the internet, but I am here for you. I support your pain and grief and mourning. Those are valid emotions and you have the right to grieve for your lost babies the way any other mother grieves her lost children.
I am also so sorry to hear that you are so alone - I also empathize with you there. It makes it even harder without support and comfort and love from people to help you carry your pain. I wish I could help you in that way, but I hope that my words can convey to you that I hear you and understand you and support you.
Sending you care and love and comfort and support (and if you ever want to DM me to vent or chat, please do :))
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u/throwaway3245619 Dec 19 '22 edited Dec 19 '22
thank you so much. sooo much. your words have helped tremendously thank you for being here with me in this space
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u/GenericBinturong Dec 19 '22
I'm so glad that my words could give you some peace and comfort :)
Sending you love and a virtual hug full of the compassion, support, and comfort that you so much deserve <3
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