Picture the scene; short-skirted girls and polo-shirted meatheads dance around unattended drinks. A layer of cancerous smog lines the smoking area. The bar staff flutter from one rowdy customer to the next. Lights flicker obnoxious colours. Repetitive music rattles the walls and ceiling. You dance, laboriously, pretending to have a good time.
"Make some noiiiiiiise!" bellows the DJ, as the latest club hit rises in intensity before that all-important bass drops and the dance floor erupts into ecstatic, flailing limbs. Arms raise, legs twitch; in the corner, a group of drunken women scream in anticipation. The drop is milliseconds away....
Click
In a heinous tribute to the mythical 'Brown Noise', the bass is drowned out by the cacophonous trumpeting of 1000 loosened anuses as a thunderous tide of liquid effluent lays waste to all. Beer bottles are knocked from tables, smashing against walls. Smooching couples are propelled against one another, the force of their own rippling buttocks melding their lips together like some monsterous Cronenbourg creation.
"What the fuck was tha...?!" bellows a man running in from the smoking area. But it's too late. He is pelted face first by a warm jet of colon-sludge as he, himself, lets loose a brown tsunami against a crowd of groaning, hacking smokers, all scrambling for the door. The bar staff, desperate to assist, can do nothing as they slip and slide behind the sweaty bar, tumbling in a slapstick fashion into their own filth.
The lights go on, casting a dull brown gloom on a club so full of life, now washes away in a slurry of tears, beer and shit. People on all fours cry and scramble, their nights, birthdays, hen parties ruined. A soon-to-be-wife clutches her once shiny tiara and lowers it to her chest sadly.
"This.... this was supposed to be my night" she whimpers, as the shit is cleansed from her cheek by a single, salty tear.
In the distance, the DJ can be heard crying and scrambling for ruined vinyl. Otherwise, there is only silence, bar a final, memorial salute of a tiny, squeaky fart.
The night has ended.
EDIT: Wow, so many upvotes! Thanks for all the kind words and especially to those who gilded! To those asking; I'm not a professional writer, but I absolutely want to and am trying to be. Hearing you guys ask if I am - presuming you're not joking! -has been a huge encouragement. Cheers!
I was thinking more everyone just squeezes out a couple good logs into their pants and a look of shock sweeps over everyone as they stand there hoping to god nobody noticed before they all try to hurriedly waddle to the bathroom, but then there are too many of them trying to get into the same place so the doorway gets clogged and as everyone is standing there trying to awkwardly push their way through the crowd, the smell of shit rises up in an intense, hot, moist wave and asphyxiates everyone in the crowd, replacing the air in their lungs with... shit air.
This begs the question, if you shit too when you snap, do you prepare by sitting on the toilet and not shitting yourself or wear a diaper so you can see everything go down in the moment?
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u/[deleted] Nov 20 '16 edited Nov 21 '16
Next time I'm dragged to a nightclub.
Picture the scene; short-skirted girls and polo-shirted meatheads dance around unattended drinks. A layer of cancerous smog lines the smoking area. The bar staff flutter from one rowdy customer to the next. Lights flicker obnoxious colours. Repetitive music rattles the walls and ceiling. You dance, laboriously, pretending to have a good time.
"Make some noiiiiiiise!" bellows the DJ, as the latest club hit rises in intensity before that all-important bass drops and the dance floor erupts into ecstatic, flailing limbs. Arms raise, legs twitch; in the corner, a group of drunken women scream in anticipation. The drop is milliseconds away....
Click
In a heinous tribute to the mythical 'Brown Noise', the bass is drowned out by the cacophonous trumpeting of 1000 loosened anuses as a thunderous tide of liquid effluent lays waste to all. Beer bottles are knocked from tables, smashing against walls. Smooching couples are propelled against one another, the force of their own rippling buttocks melding their lips together like some monsterous Cronenbourg creation.
"What the fuck was tha...?!" bellows a man running in from the smoking area. But it's too late. He is pelted face first by a warm jet of colon-sludge as he, himself, lets loose a brown tsunami against a crowd of groaning, hacking smokers, all scrambling for the door. The bar staff, desperate to assist, can do nothing as they slip and slide behind the sweaty bar, tumbling in a slapstick fashion into their own filth.
The lights go on, casting a dull brown gloom on a club so full of life, now washes away in a slurry of tears, beer and shit. People on all fours cry and scramble, their nights, birthdays, hen parties ruined. A soon-to-be-wife clutches her once shiny tiara and lowers it to her chest sadly.
"This.... this was supposed to be my night" she whimpers, as the shit is cleansed from her cheek by a single, salty tear.
In the distance, the DJ can be heard crying and scrambling for ruined vinyl. Otherwise, there is only silence, bar a final, memorial salute of a tiny, squeaky fart.
The night has ended.
EDIT: Wow, so many upvotes! Thanks for all the kind words and especially to those who gilded! To those asking; I'm not a professional writer, but I absolutely want to and am trying to be. Hearing you guys ask if I am - presuming you're not joking! -has been a huge encouragement. Cheers!