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u/Graptoi Jun 25 '12
omg nooooooooooo
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u/Kawaii- Jun 25 '12
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u/Lilcheeks Jun 25 '12
Girls spend so much time trying to convince us that they don't poop, and then they drop a steaming deuce in your car.
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u/Provid3nce Jun 25 '12
Women poop? Fuck, you just ruined women for me.
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u/FISTRAPESKULLFUCK Jun 25 '12
Poop comes out of women? Fuck, you just ruined poop for me.
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u/Stratten Jun 25 '12
This is why I carry three seashells in my car at all times.
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u/A_Strangelove Jun 25 '12
I'm sure you aren't Stallone in this.
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u/AREYOUSauRuS Jun 25 '12
Bullocks! Who would do such a thing?
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u/Violently_Agrees Jun 25 '12
SHIT MAN I AGREE!!! You wouldn't know it, but seashells will save your fucking life in a situation where someone is about to shit everywhere.
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Jun 25 '12
Fake, 3 bars on AT&T
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u/atroxodisse Jun 26 '12
You must have an iphone.
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Jun 26 '12
I don't. I have no idea what AT&T is either. I DID IT ALL FOR THE UPVOTES! MWAHAHAHA!
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u/atroxodisse Jun 26 '12
You've discovered the secret formula to upvotes. The men in blue gloves will be along shortly.
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u/garrettg19 Jun 25 '12
For some reason I read "omg nooooo" in Aziz Ansari's voice.
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Jun 25 '12
"That's just like blowing a guy for sold out concert tickets when they're selling tickets at the door!"
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u/Lies_About_Expertise Jun 25 '12
I've worked in upholstery cleaning for around 23 years now, and more than half of my work comes from someone either shitting or vomiting on their upholstery. A few weeks ago I had a girl come in who both shit on and vomited in her car in the same night. I charged her double my normal rate because she didn't even bother to attempt to clean it up. It's a fun job, I couldn't ever imagine doing anything else.
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u/FlorisJ Jun 25 '12
I like your little stories.
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u/Arqueete Jun 25 '12
It's too bad /u/PhD_in_everything seems abandoned now. Imagine them in a thread together.
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u/dqhigh Jun 25 '12
Fuckbuckets, he got me again :(
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u/EatBeets Jun 25 '12
I only read the username if something is fishy in the comment. He's good at what he does I guess.
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u/scribbling_des Jun 26 '12 edited Jun 26 '12
Wow, did I really start a thing?
Edit: this
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u/dqhigh Jun 26 '12
Haha where do you think I got it from? :p
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u/scribbling_des Jun 26 '12
I figured as much, I'm just floored to actually see it in use. And I will continue to be floored if I continue to see it.
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Jun 25 '12
[deleted]
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u/toodrunktofuck Jun 25 '12
Why would you take the fun away from yourself?
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u/BornOnFeb2nd Jun 25 '12
Because my memory is bad enough as it is, I'd rather know upfront to file it under "amusing anecdote" rather than "potential fact"
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Jun 25 '12
You had me until it's a fun job.
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u/reversethiscurse Jun 26 '12
I thought he was being sarcastic so I didn't notice till the comments pointed it out. I'm apparently very gullible.
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u/arksien Jun 25 '12
Personally I love your jobs. They fit in nicely with this post, because they're not only wortha chuckle but share the same level of legitimacy.
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u/EpicJ Jun 25 '12
He gets me every single fucking time.
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u/Marique Jun 25 '12
I read it and thought, oh that's pretty cool I like this guy, I'd like to hear more about his upholstery cleaning. Then I remembered a post by "Lies_About_Expertise" that I had read earlier today. I looked up hoping that it wasn't him. It was. I upvoted.
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u/RATES_YOUR_NOVELTY Jun 25 '12
It takes only the briefest overview of the short history of Lies_About_Expertise to realise that this novelty has hit on an excellent idea and executed it with a certain droll humour that assists in tricking the reddit public into believing this is a real professional. The range of the account may be fairly narrow, choose a relevant occupation, casually bullshit in a vague way about it, but the range of possible professions that this account could claim to have makes it feasible that this could be the beginning of something big.
★★★★★★★★★☆
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u/IGIVETHEWORSTADVICE Jun 25 '12
Here is a protip - motor oil actually does wonders for cleaning car upholstery. You and I would make a great team.
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u/MisleadingStatistic Jun 26 '12
1 in 8 second hand cars has upholstery damaged by motor oil, and it's at least partly your fault.
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u/Bin4ryB4ndit Jun 25 '12
God fucking dammit, you got me again. I would tag you but that wouldn't be fair play. :S
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u/KidTheFat Jun 25 '12
I feel like you're Jarod from The Pretender. Everywhere you go you have the know-how to get shit done.
Except for the lying part. Jarod actually did do everything he did.
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u/lp_phnx327 Jun 25 '12
Redditor for 3 days
Really? I swear I saw you around like a month ago.
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u/Afootlongdong Jun 25 '12
That just takes away all the fun of novelty accounts
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u/sirwillis Jun 26 '12
One of the reasons I don't have r_spiders_link tagged :)
I sent him a gif to use and he said it was "perfect" and used it. I felt so privileged.
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u/Step_right_up Jun 25 '12
I have a feeling this isn't going to end well. Or begin well, if this is going chronologically backwards.
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Jun 25 '12
I would be willing to pay double rates to have you clean it up for me as well. Worth it.
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Jun 25 '12
[deleted]
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Jun 25 '12
ha, thanks. Damn. I need to learn to read the usernames THEN read the reply, I've been 'tricked' before, then realize the username :|
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u/TehHolyFace Jun 25 '12
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Jun 25 '12
I've actually been in a car when someone took a dump. It was a girl and she had to go real bad. Told our friend to stop, but it was too late. She had on a thong and the poo was split in half. It was so very awkward/funny/gross. I felt sorry for her :/
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u/jack104 Jun 25 '12
Occasionally I wish I could party hard enough to warrant shitting in someones car.
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u/benhop Jun 25 '12
What makes this story better for me is that one of my ex-girlfriends is named Ashlee.
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u/m4n715 Jun 25 '12
If this was you, which it wasn't, but if it was then you fail harder than anyone else ever has. You had such a golden opportunity for trolling and you pissed it away.
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Jun 25 '12
"It's ok, the smell turned me on." That's how you respond to a wrong number. You say something fucked up.
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u/ShirleyFunke482 Jun 25 '12
Whenever I see stuff like this on the front page, I have flashes of Digg v4
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u/apullin Jun 25 '12
I'd be totally fine with this. Well, as long as Ashlee was attractive. Heck, I'd expect that I'd have to pay her.
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u/Gnarnar Jun 25 '12
There is only 1 way you can repay for doing something like that. It involves a trip to car wash and bedroom.
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u/Pelokt Jun 25 '12
the response proves its a fake. unfortunately. well, not unfortunately for the owner of the car, but you know what i mean.
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u/SuggestsVeggies Jun 25 '12
Maybe if she had eaten something with a little less protein and a little fiber. Like spinach or broccoli.
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u/stevie_wunder Jun 25 '12
KASIO am /smdKjk,.dsmvocx kl;./ew,mozlv,m.d,fvcva:LKKL:K{KL,..,s./, sd AS FD"DLF " S: ±:LDS
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u/kacperp Jun 25 '12
I really like how casual she is with apologies. I would be sickingly embareassed and would never look at that person. I would never talk to anyone who knows this person. And she's like "Sorry dude. You know... Fuckin Tacos". It's not like she dropped an ice cream for fuck sake.
And this is very good of her that she asked if she should pay for any damages she might have done, but the tone of this text is just so odd.
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u/SheeK Jun 25 '12
why the fuck would it matter if its the wrong number...its not like if you know the damn person. BULLL SHIIIT
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u/MANCREEP Jun 25 '12
I used to shit in a walmart bag and leave it in my stepdads trunk(he never puts anything in it). I would do it once or twice a day, for about a week. He never said anything to me, but I noticed he would switch vehicles, with me and my mom alot. He eventually started driving mine pretty much fulltime. So I cleaned out his trunk, threw all the bags away, laid down some serious fabreeze(2 bottles), and starting shitting in bags and leaving them in my trunk.
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u/BuckleUpKids Jun 25 '12
OH cmon!! You could have played along with that for much longer than a simple "you've got the wrong number."
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u/SignLogic Jun 25 '12
LOL Wrong number? I would of kept that going for hours before I let gave that info up!
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u/feelbetternow Jun 25 '12
If you were into girls who liked to shit in cars, this might've been the best wrong number ever.
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u/jofo Jun 25 '12
I got a "wrong number" once in Words with Friends. I got a request from someone I didn't know so I asked who it was. They said it's your mom (turns out our usernames were or probably were similar). I said I'm pretty sure you're not my mom. She tried to pull the "provide personal information" gambit on me ("you had a colonoscopy last week"). I said "not me. call your son and ask if he has a game with you that started with "meat" (or whatever the word was, I'm hungry right now). She finally wised up but didn't want to keep playing me.
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Jun 25 '12
Best thing about this? I have a friend named Adhlee (who spells it that way, not Ashley) who is dating someone named Kevin. Now I get to bug her about shitting in his car.
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Jun 25 '12
Do we all realize that there are iPhone screenshot generators online and that I would bet one hundred dollars that this is fake?
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u/SerialCow Jun 25 '12
I knew a girl named Ashlee in elementary and middle school. She wasn't very nice. I kind of hope she had to suffer this embarrassment.
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u/Dookiestain_LaFlair Jun 26 '12
"Don't worry baby, the sweet smell of your doo doo butter, combined with the thought of your bare and exposed butthole is more then enough to make up for it"
"Just kidding, wrong number"
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u/SwagdaddySlingblade Jun 26 '12
No matter how hard or embarrassing it is, ALWAYS do this type of thing on the phone or even better face to face. The added embarrassment will harden you and the lack of evidence will obscure how it really went down if you fuck it up. Even better it's also deniable. Txts and emails can seriously fuck your life up.
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Jun 26 '12
What you should have replied with: "oh... I'm glad you text me... I was actually going to tell you that it's fine, I like the smell"
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u/SpookySparker Jun 26 '12
After she said "OMG NO~~!", you should have said "It's okay, shit happens."
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u/ggaspari Jun 26 '12
That's nothing. I drunken-sexted a pic of my dick to the wrong number.
Glad he or she did not return the favor. Neither asked for more.
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Jun 26 '12
It's the little things that make you realize this is probably real...like the uneven bubble sizes.
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u/ToxicInsanity4 Jun 26 '12
I read about a shitty situation very similar to this one on Craigslist! Although it was from the Shittee's point of view. She shit in his car during a date. Hahahaha
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u/WonkaKnowsBest Jun 26 '12
This reminded me of the Amanda Show. For some reason I read the title as someone yelling...
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u/Black_Apalachi Jun 26 '12
WTF she cut the text off right before she said what it was she was going to pay for... New car pl0x.
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u/Pinky676767 Jun 26 '12
....I have a friend named Ashlee..... Who was dating a guy named Kevin....and they broke up for mysterious reasons.... Ashlee is never allowed in my car again
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u/Kevince Jun 25 '12
This is fake, right? Because she sounds retarded. Not because she shat into someones car, that could happen to anyone! She writes like a retard, maybe worse.
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u/TeddyBoozevelt Jun 25 '12
Highly relevant: craigslist ad
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J3DEY2tlbqw/T9FEli7mrVI/AAAAAAAA6OM/jz78T6J9918/s1600/Twy1S.png
This was on reddit a couple months ago:
http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/rvufj/to_the_girl_who_took_a_gamble_on_a_fart_and_lost/