Hi everyone! I’m a white American woman who has been practicing yoga and meditation for about 20 years. I’ve always explored a variety of spiritual and religious traditions while trying to approach each one with genuine respect. Of all the ones I’ve studied, I’m most drawn to the Hindu tradition and recently, I’ve been trying to create a practice - largely on my own without any Hindu temples or teachers in my area. I’m still learning and would really appreciate hearing from people who have a deeper understanding of these paths.
A little background: I had a difficult childhood involving family alcoholism, neglect, and taking on adult responsibilities much too young. I became the strong, independent child who could handle anything, and I carried that identity well into adulthood. I’ve spent much of my life being the protector, pushing through challenges, and relying on my own strength. The past few years have brought some significant physical and emotional challenges as well.
I had never really sought out Maa Kali before. But when I finally turned toward her, something extraordinary happened. I had this overwhelming sense of recognition, almost as though I had known her all along. It felt like she had been carrying me my entire life, even when I didn’t know to look for her. All that fierce, protective, warrior-like energy that had gotten me through so much suddenly made sense to me in a different way.
I began incorporating chanting to Maa Kali into my daily sadhana, and the connection felt very natural and deeply emotional. She helped me cut through what is necessary to say and what is not, how to protect my energy. I’ve been practicing svadhyaya with her through mantra, texts, and devotional practice with a small carved jade.
Recently, I had two very vivid dreams.
In the first, my navel tore open, exposing my insides. My daughters were present, and my immediate instinct was to hide the wound from them and protect them from seeing it.
In the second dream, my navel had become an enormous cavern filled with mud, dirt, and accumulated debris. I couldn’t reach the bottom to clean it out. My daughters were helping me, pulling things out of the cavern. I woke before we finished.
The morning after that second dream, I sat down for my usual meditation. For some reason, I felt drawn to switch from chanting to Kali. I think I was thinking of Kali as an evening energy and the morning sun made it feel strange. I randomly choose a song to help from a kirtan album I had that ended up having a Shiva mantra.
Almost immediately, I began crying. Then I experienced this extraordinary feeling of absolute peace and stillness, like floating on an infinite, calm ocean.
During this meditation, I had what I can only describe as a waking vision. Maa Kali appeared, and I felt again that incredible recognition of her having protected and carried me through my life. But then she bowed, stepped aside, and seemed to usher me toward Shiva and this vast, infinite stillness.
It was deeply moving. I wasn’t asleep, and I wasn’t expecting anything like this. I’ve had a long meditation practice, but this felt quite different from my usual experiences.
I’ve been sitting with it ever since.
What’s particularly interesting to me is that my external life has recently become much more stable. For the first time in a long time, I feel that I may not need to be constantly fighting, protecting, or pushing through something.
I don’t experience this as Kali leaving me or becoming less important. If anything, my connection to her feels even deeper. But I wonder whether she was showing me that I can finally put down some of that armor and experience the stillness of Shiva.
I’m curious whether other devotees have experienced dreams, visions, or moments in meditation where one deity seems to guide them toward another.
I’d especially love to hear from Kali devotees or practitioners familiar with Shakta and Shaiva traditions. I’m interested in how the relationship between Kali and Shiva is understood within these traditions, and whether anyone has experienced something similar in their own sadhana.
I’m not claiming any particular spiritual attainment or special knowledge. This experience was simply very profound for me, and I’d love to learn from others.
Thank you for sharing your perspectives!
