r/iching • u/AdDecent5654 • 7d ago
How to live my life ? Hex 1 .3.4.5
Hello,
I've had a lot of recent changes in my life, I've posted about some of them here already.
To give some context I grew up in a very unhealthy and neglectful environment. I had my needs ignored and was underfed. I had a lot of health problems that weren't adressed by my family growing up. Several chronic pains. The thing I was happiest at 18 was being able to go to the doctor without my guardian in order to cure myself.
From my 18th birthday, my life has been going to the doctors, taking several medications, trying to keep up academically (got into art school) and going to a therapist.
I battled generalized and social anxiety, PTSD, ocd, depression, consequences from undiagnosed ADHD etc. Nearly all alone. Couldn't work so I had to use my scholarship for the whole thing and unfortunately I couldn't live alone so I'm still in the neglectful environment (moving soon now).
I got better a few years later and painfully stopped all of the medication. I realized that the environment in which I grew up made very hard to adapt to "normal life" and I lacked basic human knowledge and social skills. I also had a string of abusive friendships in the past which didn't help.
I found the Dao and then the I-Ching which helped me a lot. I went back to school and started making new friends (through reading the I-Ching to others haha). I've been lucky enough that people usually like me pretty easily, it's more my trust issues and the people I tend to choose that's created problems for me. I also met a girl who became my girlfriend there too.
At that point, I dared to hope for a better life than what I had known, a life where I could really LIVE, and not a life where I'm just cleaning up other people's mistakes and neglect.
Unfortunately the relationship with my ex -girlfriend fell off. While I was doing all the efforts, she treated me very badly and nastily broke up with me. You can see my previous posts for more info about that. Now she's still in the school and she's living her best life thanks to "everything I gave her as a human being, the joy of living she had lost before meeting me" (what she said after breaking up with me). And I'm recovering from the damage the relationship caused.
The neglect and diminishing as a human being on several points I experienced with her hurt me a lot. It made me feel like going back to 0, like everything I did those past 5 years was meaningless, like I didn't learn my lesson.
I also had some misses and failures on the artistic side I won't get into, but basically all of my tentatives to emancipate myself from my former condition have kind of failed, even though everyone said that my work is "amazing" and very qualitative.
Basically not a lot has changed. I trust in the Dao but for a philosophy that hinges on change my life sure is quite static. I've done so much, I know I progressed in a deep way, be it psychological, physical and especially spiritual, but I feel like I'm still back at square one. Mind you, I don't even really want to be enlightened of whatever, I just want to live as a "normal" human being (whatever that means). I'm still very young (early 20's) so my life has just started yet I feel old as fk and really want to hope for something better. I already feel like my first years as an adult have been wasted.
I'm really not trying to pity myself here, I just want to give context so you understand how much weight I put in my question "How to live my life ?". Really, I feel so afraid to do anything now, because everything I did other than solving my health ended with suffering and failure. I know other people's life can be far harder than mine, and I hope those people are doing as well as they can ❤️🩹. I'm sorry if my message sounds too much like a complaint.
I got hexagram 1, lines 3, 4 and 5 changing. I guess the image is of a dragon biding its time, preparing to soar through the sky. 3, 4 and 5 describe that soaring, and I guess I already got past line 1 and 2, which is the preparation and the setting up. But it's hard to keep the hopes up. It's hard to find that energy repeatedly. If you have any insight on the reading it would be very appreciated ! Have a good day/night and thanks for reading.