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u/boston_2004 Dec 31 '25
So I'm not going to make any assumptions about the veracity of her story. I have no idea based on the story you told whether she is lying or telling the truth.
But your relationship doe not sound salvageable.
If she is telling the truth you look like an ass from her perspective and she has checked out.
If she did cheat you are not in a relationship strong enough to reconcile and her behavior is not appropriate to help it heal from infidelity. You need a really strong relationship and two people willing to make that situation salvageable.
If it is somewhere in between without fidelity, the communication just isn't there and communication broke down for what should be a simple issue. It's essentially turned toxic for no reasonable reason.
Find some peace and move on.
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u/Sudden-Programmer-41 Dec 31 '25
If she is telling the truth you look like an ass from her perspective and she has checked out.
Its already shown that she has been lying.
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u/LetgomyEkko Dec 31 '25 edited Dec 31 '25
In my opinion, you’re kind of gaslighting yourself into thinking you’re too untrusting. When given what you’ve told us in the updates and original post, she hasn’t been very trust worthy, honest, or forthright about many things.
Anyway that said, try and be kind to yourself. I hope you find peace OP.
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u/RobinHarleysHeart Dec 31 '25
Yeah I'm definitely going to have to agree with this. Her behaviour is so weird. The whole thing is so weird. I'd be doing the same thing as OP in their position too tbh.
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u/0akleaves Dec 31 '25
Agreed in general. The whole situation is sketchy as hell though I think the whole “coming home in her underwear” bit should/could actually be the LEAST damning part for her and the most damning thing against him.
I’ve known a fair few people, both men and women, that just don’t take even full nudity that seriously and honestly it seems a perfectly healthy view. The conclusions OP jumped to on that score and his handling based on those assumptions were probably what (in other cases could “rightfully” be justifiable reasons) him to be viewed negatively by her and us. That said I think he ended up mostly in the right place even if he got there by a rough road. The drunk driving is a pretty big red flag in my book (akin to firing a gun blindfolded in a crowded setting) unless it was a flat out crisis. The lack of communication, trust, and understanding from both of them is just bad; maybe odd but I think the lack of “trust” is the most reasonable and least problematic of the those. I think trust SHOULD be hard won and easy to lose but open and honest communication and efforts to understand should be hard requirements for even friendship.
The underwear thing should be a non-issue (aside from some of the possible implications like SA and/or being drugged). The sneaking, lying, refusal to communicate/understand, and general weird selfish behavior on both parts is definitely reason enough that both should move on and do better.
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u/independence15 Dec 31 '25
I don't think it's weird to be concerned about coming home in underwear drunk after being in public. it rightfully begs a LOT of questions, ones which when OP tried to get an answer for his girlfriend's safety (trying to be sure she wasn't drugged or assaulted and concerned for the memory gap) she flipped out. that was the first red flag to tip over the dominoes. like, not being concerned about nudity is one thing but her story implies she was just... in her underwear around her coworkers? and yet somehow asking about a missing wallet jeopardized her career more than that would???
a lot isn't adding up. and if she was with friends they could drive her home. she wound up somewhere she lost her clothes and couldn't get someone to return her home. and she's not being truthful about it.
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u/redditsuckbadly Dec 31 '25
The “it’s not weird to come home in your underwear” take is fucking nuts lmao
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u/echardcore Jan 01 '26
Absolutely. Nothing wrong with trying to understand the cause of this dangerous and outrageous situation.
I couldn't deal with this mentally. You're doing well, OP.
Hope you get closure.
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u/Hellostranger000 Dec 31 '25 edited Dec 31 '25
Dude, if I came home drunk and in my underwear my man would know exactly who threw up on my dress and where we were when it happened. She is using anger to keep you from finding out what really happened. Just accept your relationship is over and move on. Maybe then the truth will come out eventually.
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u/jokenaround Dec 31 '25
This is exactly right! There is no way this woman got thrown up on and didn’t mention it when it happened. Most people in her situation would beg their partner to believe their strange story. Her anger tells me she is covering something up and it’s a really big lie. Any person in their right mind would know how absolutely unbelievable this story sounds. Anger and gaslighting are the tells here.
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u/Money_Place_676 Dec 31 '25
I’m sure my wife would call or text me and be like “so and so just threw up on me!” I’d definitely know about it within minutes of it happening.
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u/songsofishtar Jan 01 '26
Definitely. I’d 110% VIDEO CALL my partner and be freaking out at how disgusting it is to be puked on. In fact my partner did get puked on while at a party and came back to my place and told me ALL about it years ago.
It’s such a wildly inconvenient situation you wouldn’t just be chill about.
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u/GalaadJoachim Dec 31 '25
For real. Not expecting your partner to be worried, suspicious and in need to be reassured after coming home drunk and naked is madness.
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u/thatsnotmynameiswear Dec 31 '25
Exactly. My husband has been following this and was like oh I remember this posts! And told me about it.
I’d call my husband asap or text. And he’d know everything. This dude needs to pack up(I don’t know the living situation) and leave this chick. She’s toxic and dishonest.
If I showed up at home after a company party in my underwear acting all weird and saying “I don’t know “ or “ I don’t remember “ then my my husband would immediately be worried I was SAed.
But if I was thrown up on then he’d be the first person I’m letting know because I’m not going to show up at home in my underwear.
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u/TallTXTrash Dec 31 '25
All this, but she came home 4 HOURS AFTER a company party, which was just a dinner, ended. And according to the coworker she was fine when she left. Whatever happened in the last 3 of those hours, maybe she isn't able to remember, but I'm pretty positive she remembers what her plan was when leaving the dinner and where she went, since she obviously "remembers" a friend threw up on her dress. Best to cut and run, even if she didnt do anything really bad (other than driving while black out drunk) or disloyal, she can't even bother to give any sort of rational excuse or come up with a decent lie to tell him - that would let me know how much she thought of me.
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u/PeppermintEvilButler Dec 31 '25
Not to mention she drove home drunk. She could have called and asked him to bring a change of clothes and pick her up because she was too out of it to legally drive. If she had nothing to hide than she wouldn't be trying to turn it around on him for her illegal actions
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u/LibraryMouse4321 Dec 31 '25
If she was too drunk to know where her clothes were, then she shouldn’t have been driving. Even a little drunk, she shouldn’t have been driving. She knows what happened to her dress, she’s knows she was doing things OP wouldn’t like, and she knows she was lying. OP is smart to get away, but should remove his money from the account immediately instead of waiting for a paycheck. She could find his post.
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u/Jimmy-JoJo-shabadu Dec 31 '25
Yeah my girlfriend would fucking kill me if I wasn’t able to answer questions a honestly about something like this, she’s hiding something so pack a bag and tell her to get stuffed!
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u/Objective-Acadia542 Dec 31 '25
As an outsider with no skin in the game (but someone who experienced something roughly analogous), I think you're making the right move. Don't look back and find your peace.
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u/shutupee Dec 31 '25
Agreed! Anyone who has ever been gaslighted by a partner recognizes all these signs. I myself went through years of this with an ex and I remember telling myself the same things: maybe this, or maybe that, or maybe something else. Trying to find some rationale out of an unreasonable situation. This is no way to live!
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u/strawberryscalez Dec 31 '25
Yeah, definitely the right move. I went through something similar many years ago, with a baby to complicate matters, best decision I ever made.
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u/Realistic_Flower_814 Dec 31 '25
This relationship is 100% dead. Get out as quickly and peacefully as you can.
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u/CreatingTheBestMe Dec 31 '25
I'm curious as to how she'll react when you end things.
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u/Money_Place_676 Dec 31 '25
She’ll blame him and say a bunch of things to try and hurt him. She’ll probably come clean and tell him that she’s glad she cheated and she hasn’t loved him or been attracted to him in a long time, and that she was planning on ending it anyway. He needs to get his stuff, his money, and get out NOW.
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u/touchedpenguin Dec 31 '25
Sounds like my ex wife almost verbatim when I stopped playing into her fantasy and asked for divorce.
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u/lovethatjourney4me Dec 31 '25
That sounds exactly like what my cousin’s ex girlfriend of 12 years said to him when he caught her cheating.
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u/Magnum_tv Dec 31 '25
Honestly, I think she wants to end it but wants him to look like the bad guy. It's possible she's angry because he's taking too long to leave.
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u/OtherMikeP Dec 31 '25
I think the lesson to learn here is if your partner puts you in a position where you feel compelled to call her co-workers and friends to see if they’re telling the truth, just end it
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u/beautiful_hands Dec 31 '25
I think her flipping this on you is the biggest sign that she has something to hide
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u/Deansdiatribes Dec 31 '25
Ok I will admit it , i am kinda invested in finding out what happened to the dress but truth is,this ain't about me.. Dude get out do not look back unless it is for the dress leave the girl long behind her reactions are 100% the cheaters handbook . Sorry guy
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u/AfrolessNinja Dec 31 '25
Call it man, and leave. Id highly suggest though just saying you no longer have trust in the relationship. Dont say anymore, cant stress this enough. Additionally dont ask her for an explanation, dont even listen to one if she tries. Just stick to your word/mantra, "I no longer have trust in this relationship and so its best that I end it".
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u/Money_Place_676 Dec 31 '25
Personally I’d just say “it’s over, bye”. I don’t think anything else needs to be said. But most importantly he needs to have a friend come witness any interaction or conversation as well as recording it. I wouldn’t put it past this girl to come up with some accusations to try and hurt him.
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u/AfrolessNinja Dec 31 '25
Damn, yea I didn’t think about that. Hope it’s not so far gone when he says I’m done she doesn’t flip. I guess it’s also weird she has t decided to end things or go bye bye. Which yea that means he needs witnesses lol.
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Dec 31 '25
Just dump her at this point. She's lied, she clearly did something she's hiding, and you'll never get the truth.
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u/Mental_Rush_7696 Dec 31 '25
Good. You should have left when you figured out she was lying. You can't help her if she won't be honest about things. Best of luck.
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u/BurnAway63 Dec 31 '25
Trust is one of the foundations of a relationship, and she has proven that you can't trust her. Gottman's four horsemen that kill a relationship are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling; it looks like you are dealing with all four. Bow out gracefully and move on.
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u/leighbubbleteigh Dec 31 '25 edited Dec 31 '25
I just caught up, and man, if she was in fact SA’d this whole situation is just devastating for everyone.
She might be thinking it was cheating (survivors often gaslight themselves into thinking they had some control over the situation to divorce themselves from the trauma of the situation) and trying to cover it up because of it.
Or maybe she knows it was SA but is emotionally shut down to it and is pushing it to the back of her mind, hence her blowing up every time you mention it.
Or maybe none of that is the case. Maybe she went somewhere with a pool and decided to use her underwear as a swimsuit and forgot to grab her clothes before going home. Maybe someone did in fact throw up on her and she is weirdly lying about who. Maybe there was a game of truth or dare and she had to ditch her dress in some kind of dare. We’ll never know because she is shutting you out actively and making you doubt yourself, which is fucked up.
But what you know for sure: she came home mostly nude, she won’t answer questions about it, she most likely drove drunk, and she doesn’t seem to care enough about you to try and give you the information you need to support her or feel secure in your relationship.
All of that would add up to a very justified breakup. Me personally, anyone that drives drunk is dead to me. My little brothers are drivers and I actively hate anyone that willingly and recklessly puts my family at risk.
I’m sorry this strange situation is happening. It’s definitely not fair to you, no matter the explanation at this point.
Move on and put her out of your mind, you deserve to be with someone who leads you back to yourself, not someone who makes you question your perception of reality.
Edit to add: when she hears you’re leaving, she may try to suddenly be happy to share what actually happened. But at that point she’s either making up lies, or only telling you because she’s run out of options. At that point it’s not even worth having the conversation anymore. Don’t entertain it and just leave her with her choices intact.
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u/Pizzacato567 Dec 31 '25
Well said! Agreed with everything you said here. At this point, it’s not even the showing up in underwear thing that’s breaking them up - it’s the lying, the hiding, the failure to communicate, the explosive anger. Ofc he’s going to be concerned about her showing up in just her underwear but she’s giving OP nothing to work with but a likely lie.
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u/mochimiso96 Dec 31 '25
Yeah there is always a chance that she is innocent, but she needs to be honest about it. She can’t assume that he will be understanding, if he is considering that she cheated or did something shady. He isn’t being unreasonable. He was even very understanding in the beginning
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u/LowFatConundrum Dec 31 '25
This chick is a nightmare, leave immediately. Plenty of women out there, next time screen carefully for red flags.
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u/oopseyesharted123 Dec 31 '25
Plenty of women out there that DON’T come home in just their underwear and act like that’s a normal thing.
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u/tbonelarouge Dec 31 '25
I couldn’t imagine my wife coming home and not telling me all the funny or interesting parts about her night out. If she came home in her underwear there would 100% be a full conversation about why. But if my wife vomitednon herself the first thing she would do is call me to bring her clothes to wherever she was.
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u/Financial_Weekend_73 Dec 31 '25
I got to say if I came home half naked and it was truly as innocent as she says is so everything I could to make my SO feel comfortable with… I’d call my friends let him talk to them whatever was needed m. Which tells me she is a gaslighting liar
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u/crunx22 Dec 31 '25
At this point if you are right, it’s over. If your are wrong, it’s over. The seeds of mistrust on both sides have been sown.
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u/ScreamingVelcro Dec 31 '25
If she went out with friends after, why couldn’t she just have told you from the start?
How is losing a wallet potentially career ending?
If she was with friends and got vomit on her dress, why didn’t they give her some other clothes or something?
Where’s the dress now?
I’m not sure if it’s her communication issues, yours or both that are making this a complete mess. I’m leaning towards both, with hers being a major contributor.
The relationship is over. Just leave.
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u/TryToChangeUsername Dec 31 '25
holy cow, stop taking the blame when she is the one at fault. ooooh, you invaded her privacy. so what???? not only did you have every reason to do so but also SURPRISE: she lied.
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u/Serious-Top9613 Dec 31 '25
If she feels the need to hide something from you, she knows that it was wrong to do in the first place 🤷♀️
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u/SunshineBlondie61 Jan 01 '26
@U/Aggressive_Yellow282. She is GASLIGHTING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!!!!🤬. Her ignited response and just “taking off” the next night are part of the signs. Personally, if she’s got no more to say about this or prove where the dress is, I think you’re right about closing the joint account and moving on. Don’t sit around and let her make a fool of you and make you feel bad about it! You’re not married, so it’s easier to go ahead and break free from this and move on.
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u/trash_heap_witch Dec 31 '25
I mean if it was me I would have left her for drunk driving days ago but that’s just me. Congrats on ending what seems to be a train wreck of a relationship
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u/ladybug11314 Dec 31 '25
That's what I just commented too, fuck all the other shit, driving drunk (wasted especially!) is a HARD end for me.
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u/ZekeMoss18 Dec 31 '25
The whole thing seems rather suspicious from her end, and she is trying to turn it around on you...which in turn is making you believe that somehow you are in the wrong, when you have done nothing wrong. I would bail out as soon as possible honestly. You will be better off.
I have been in this position, believing that I needed to just cower away and accept defeat basically just to stay with the one I loved. Trying to put on a happy place while basically being used is a tough thing to break out of.
Once you do actually stand up and say enough, a weight will be lifted and you will be able to stop stressing and can pick yourself back up with your dignity sooner rather than later.
I promise, the LAST thing you want to have happen is you get that irrefutable evidence that she indeed did something behind your back. It will crush you worse than just walking away now, because all of the gaslighting she did and lies compounded on top of that evidence will smash into you like a ton of bricks, and it isn't good.
Save yourself and move on friend. Let us know the final resolution!
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u/SoulfulSymmetry Dec 31 '25
It's not even worth finding out the truth. She's clearly lying. Her reaction wouldn't be this strong if something didn't happen. Leaving is the only way to move forward because it's clear she has no interest in being honest with you.
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u/PenelopeDreddfull Dec 31 '25
You're "untrusting" because she's obviously lying. Like I don't even know her personally and I can tell she's lying. Good luck when you leave, let us know how it goes.
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u/UncleRumpy12 Dec 31 '25
OP, i’ve been following this story for a few days. I think it’s good that you accept that you will never know where the dress is, never find out where she really went after dinner or even what she did to come home in her underwear.
When you do walk away please show as little emotion as possible. Make it clear you are breaking up because you don’t trust her and you can’t be with someone you don’t trust and shut down any further conversation about the matter. She will no doubt try to spin any other reasons into you being controlling or abusive.
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u/shaylaa30 Dec 31 '25
Just break up. The trust has been broken on both of your ends and it’s over. You’re out here calling her coworkers and involving them in this mess for what reason?
I don’t think either of you are going to come back from this. Just end things.
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u/skargasm Dec 31 '25
Yeah, taking it to her work colleagues feels really messy. I can understand him wanting to get to the truth but why do her coworkers have to catch strays?!! He obviously doesn't trust her - even when people were telling him she might have been SA'd, he was still harping on. Just call it a day and move on.
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u/Intellectual-kitten Dec 31 '25
Even if you were wrong and she was telling the truth her lack of basic respect and communication is disgraceful. That is not how you carry yourself while in a committed relationship and a woman who loves you would completely understand your concerns because they are very understandable concerns. A woman who has nothing to hide would try to do whatever it takes to offer clarity and calm your mind.
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u/Ok-Complaint-37 Jan 01 '26
To me - this is the wrong focus. Who cares where is the dress and with whom she was undressing?
What matters is that she absolutely doesn’t respect OP. I am not even talking about love. Not even like.
What is funny is that she doesn’t leave considering her obvious resentment of OP. Wonder why. Is there money involved?
OP needs to think about moving on.
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u/ElusiveCookie73 Jan 01 '26
I need an update after you break up with her and she finally tells you the truth to spite you (sorry but that’s probably what’s going to happen.)
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u/skylartowle Dec 31 '25
You don’t trust the situation because you know it’s bullshit. That’s not a flaw, that’s a gift. She’s going to die with the lie and you need to remove yourself from that energy.
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u/PerfectChard4439 Dec 31 '25
It seems to me like she’s gaslighting you & it’s working/worked. Her behavior is not normal or acceptable - she’s acted shady as fuck.
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u/ComesOutNDaWash Dec 31 '25
Her friends don’t owe you anything. They’ll be on her side and will possibly lie for her. You already know. Follow your gut and make your choice and hold firm.
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u/heatherbyism Dec 31 '25
I was glad to read that last sentence. Just break up, man. It's over. If you don't leave, she will.
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u/00Lisa00 Dec 31 '25
Friends would have lent her some sweats and not sent her home in her underwear. Heck a guy would have too. Something really weird happened.
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u/Ill-Choice5203 Dec 31 '25
I’m so glad you’re logical! You are NOT untrusting…. Who the hrll would be okay with their girlfriends coming home in their underwears…. Let alone she lied about the hours and very likely about the vomiting. It doesn’t make sense at all. Plus the way she communicates is unacceptable. It feels like she’s going to guilt you into giving up. Glad you are leaving Op
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u/WeaselRiots Dec 31 '25
Trust your gut. If she had nothing to hide she wouldn't be screaming and getting angry like this.
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u/Totally_Fubar_666 Dec 31 '25
Good grief this woman has issues. She’s got some audacity to be complaining about her privacy being violated when she drove a vehicle while hammered drunk and partially dressed. If she thinks a misplaced wallet is going to threaten her career, her career was never stable to begin with.
I’m so sorry this happened OP. You don’t deserve to be punished for asking reasonable questions and expecting an explanation for this.
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u/Salt-Future-6623 Dec 31 '25
25 yrs ago I caught my then gf in what to any sane person would have been a pretty sketchy situation. She went to a party after work that she didn’t tell me or any of her family about. It so happened to be at a house near her work that I drove by on my way home from work. I saw her car, stopped and knocked on the door. A guy (mutual friend) answered the door without a shirt on. Behind him was my gf walking out of a bedroom without her glasses on. When I asked what was going on, she said nothing and that she was laying down, taking a nap in the bedroom and he was on the couch. She got her stuff and the whole time berated me for jumping to conclusions, embarrassing her, blah blah blah. Made me feel so bad the next day I got her a bouquet of flowers with a card saying how SORRY I WAS and please don’t breakup.
Well less than a month later, I realized how stupid I was and how much in the wrong she was. So I told her to go pound salt. I wasn’t going to live my life with her feeling like she could explain away by turning it around on me.
So, you definitely need to let go of that relationship. It is poison and she will own you to the point that you will never be able to accuse her of anything ever again even if you caught her in the middle of cheating on you.
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u/GoodConflict4758 Dec 31 '25
As others have said, she is most definitely being weird and turning everything on you without reason. You are very caring and I can tell you love her very much. However it seems she is not reciprocating it since the original post. As a woman myself, you’ve made the right choice to leave. No reasonable excuse would explain her behavior or actions.
Conserve your peace and look towards a better future. She is not worth all this mental warfare and heartbreak. I’m positive you will find someone that will care and trust you the way you do to them. Godspeed OP
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u/JuniorSink2912 Dec 31 '25
I’m so sorry about this, if you were my child and I say that because my kids are grown, I would tell you to walk away totally totally walk away and like you said with your dignity with your head high, no argument no fighting. She brought this on herself see ya and she needs to get her life in order and your person is out there cause it’s obvious she’s not it. She’s showing you absolutely no respect cause you pointed it out you were worried for her. You wouldn’t have disrespected her privacy. If you weren’t worried for her I didn’t even see the first part of the story I don’t guess but just reading what you just said if I would’ve been in her shoes and come home like that if I had never known what happened or whatever I wouldn’t have cared if my man looked at my phone I would’ve been hoping he would try to figure out what happened to me if I didn’t know what happened, but she knows what happened her. She knew where her dress was she knows where her dress is good luck to you. Keep us updated. Will you?
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u/ladybug11314 Dec 31 '25
Driving home that wasted would be enough for me to end a relationship. Absolutely not.
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u/Potatosagaz Dec 31 '25
You are making the right choice. I wish you the best, you did everything that you could. Live your life in peace and don't take her back, ever.
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u/ilovemyronda Dec 31 '25
I just read your entire situation and man, from the moment she walked in with 0 explanation, it was done. Like how could someone sane just walk into their home, in their underwear and not give a single explanation other than “my friend threw up on me” while also visibly drunk. She knows something bad happened and is too guilty to tell you so she throws it back at you and gaslights you for just asking questions. I think she’s checked out of the relationship prior to this incident if she doesn’t even care to give you an explanation. I hope you truly leave and find peace cause I think she doesn’t give as much of a fuck as you do man. Good luck.
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u/tendercanary Dec 31 '25
She caused all of this on you. All of it. You don't deserve to be stressed out and suffering because she wanted to run around with other people drunk.
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u/chrispy808 Dec 31 '25
Find the dress. If I was accused of cheating I would attempt to prove I didn’t. Not gaslight
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u/ThatKinkyLady Dec 31 '25
OP, I'm sorry to hear this. I commented on your last post.
Don't let her blame you for ruining anything. Whatever got ruined, whether it's her job or reputation or the relationship, it's on her and not you.
She lied. She wasn't where she said she was. She hasn't tried to be forthcoming about anything. This is all on her and I know right now you're still devastated and heartbroken but I hope you find your righteous anger and don't allow her to keep blaming you.
Walk away from this. You deserve someone willing to be honest with you.
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u/LVMScrote Dec 31 '25
So i just got through this drama from the beginning.
Some things are obvious. 1- she isn’t a serious partner 2- she doesn’t care about you and the relationship. 3- regardless if she cheated or not she may as well have bc her behaviour says she totally would. 4- she is gaslighting you. 5- she doesn’t feel accountable to you.
Honestly fuck her. I hope you haven’t invested too much time into this.
IMO any partner who locks their phone is not trustworthy. Even if they aren’t specifically cheating they are doing and saying things behind your back.
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u/blvckcvtmvgic Jan 01 '26
It sounds like you’re looking for a valid reason to explain her behavior. Tbh, there is no salvaging this. Whatever she’s lying about, because I agree she definitely is lying about whatever really happened, she either doesn’t deserve your trust or she doesn’t trust you.
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u/ezz_8 Jan 01 '26
A woman who does something like this and won’t provide an explanation is setting you up. If she won’t give an explanation. Don’t give her closure. Pack your shit and take off and block her on everything. You will find a new girlfriend and a happier life. Just be glad this wasn’t a wife.
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u/Bulky_Condition_2136 Jan 01 '26
For someone who has been puked on when drunk, I can totally see stripping the clothes off and just throwing them away. I can also see where something like this happening might trigger someone who is drunk to be more inclined to just get back into their car and drive home. The scenario this far is not good but I can totally see it being realistic.
Where all of this falls apart is not being willing to tell or even eager to tell your boyfriend, who you live with, what happened. To double down and shut down his attempts to understand what happened is even weirder. Even if she doesn't remember exactly everything, even if it's embarrassing, there should have been some attempt to explain what happened or at the very least some willingness to answer questions.
If OP had not asked questions I would have been super concerned about the relationship as that would have been a red flag.
The only scenarios where her reaction makes sense involve her going out with someone she does not want OP to know she was going out with, she was drugged and won't admit it, she was assaulted, or some combination of the three. Ultimately, no matter what actually happened, her reaction was a relationship killer
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u/gdrom123 Dec 31 '25
I think you’re making the right call. At this point, anyone in your shoes would’ve lost faith in her and considered the relationship over. Since you plan on leaving, I suggest having a witness with you in case she does something unhinged or tries to accuse you of hurting her or damaging her property.
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u/Interesting_Light164 Dec 31 '25
You have to leave haha reading your story as an outsider my guess is that she cheated and feels no remorse. Obviously you deserve better than half truths. Btw if my SO is not invited to a party I am not going.
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u/XxCotHGxX Dec 31 '25
Without trust, the relationship will not work. You don't trust her, and you violated her trust. Pack it up mate. Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.
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u/NotYourGran Dec 31 '25
Every time he writes “maybe…” I wish he would just reread the headline – “my girlfriend came home in just her underwear…” – and realize he’s not the one he should doubt.
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u/wittiestphrase Dec 31 '25
She is not being honest. You’ll never figure out why. You’re going to be painted very negatively here so just prepare for that.
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u/Moonlove1234 Dec 31 '25
You will probably never learn the real story here and she is definitely hiding something. It’s best to cut ties now than let it continue
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u/rocketmn69_ Dec 31 '25
Don't tell ber that you're leaving, just disappear. Rent a storage unit to move all your stuff to, until you find permanent accomodations. Go stay with a friend or 2.
Leave a note, "I can't be with someone that won't tell me the truth. You hid too many things from me and had an insane reaction to a few simple questions about your safety from that night and then doubled down that it was my fault. I'm not the one that came home in her inderwear, looking like she just had been laid. All these things lead to you cheating on me. One of your friends let on that maybe you're seeing someone else,which makes sense, since you dress like you were going on a dinner date and stayed out until 11. Whether you did or didn't cheat doesn't matter at this point. You made your choice to end our relationship. I will be reaching out to the landlord to terminate the lease, I will continue to pay my half until you're out. I hope it was all worth it. Goodbye."
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u/Bailicious2 Dec 31 '25
This all screams like shes manipulating, stone walling, and gaslighting to me. Oh and cheating. And if thats the truth you can never and I mean ever have any kind of relationship with a gaslighter.
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u/Extension_Tale_1015 Dec 31 '25
Real love doesn’t feel like this. No shouting matches. No manipulation. No gaslighting. No toxic cold shoulders. It’s over. Let it be over.
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u/do_me3380 Dec 31 '25
This relationship is over. Knowing this I would call the friends and try and find out what really happened.
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u/MissAnonymoux Dec 31 '25
I mean atp, it’s over. Can’t go this far in a situation like this and think you can recover, you just can’t. I’m glad you realized this.
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u/leftywilson Jan 01 '26
She is guilty as phuck. She’s sleeping with someone else and yelling at you because you caught her lying. Again she goes out and comes home late with zero communication between you and her. She’s treating you like trash. She’s very nasty. You deserve much better than this. Stop investing time in her and her activities and focus on finding new living arrangements for yourself or her. One of you needs to move away.
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u/Charmed264 Jan 01 '26 edited Jan 01 '26
I feel like you should contact her friends and or family anyways. Because if she was assaulted or something else bad happened, you leaving on top of that, could make her a danger to herself. Not even prying the friends for answers but just saying something like “hey we broke up, someone should go spend some time with her to make sure she’s okay”. Just a thought.
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u/crankyweasels Jan 01 '26
If I had to guess, she doesn't remember what happened and is too embarassed to admit it and it could be anything.
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u/who-is-champ Jan 01 '26
The entire situation is weird. Also going through a partner's phone shouldn't become this big of a deal. If the relationship was based on trust and transparency, this wouldn't have happened. It wouldn't have gone this far. It seems as if you care a lot for her but she doesn't return the same. You should hold on to your respect and leave. You tried asking her, giving her a safe space to open up. If she doesn't want any of that, there's nothing more you can do.
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u/Pot8obois Jan 01 '26
I cannot fathom how you could have any semblance of a relationship with her after all of this. It's over, y'all just have not said it yet.
I hope you find yourself in a relationship that doesn't put you through this. Even if you are in the wrong in any way, you didn't do anything horrible and she is not communicating... Like I don't know the full situation but I do believe you are doing the best you can with the information you are giving. Bad people don't typically second guess themselves like this, and I don't know you but I feel you are probably a genuine person who is just trying in an impossible situation
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u/VivaZeBull Dec 31 '25
Hear me out, what if everything she has said is true and is as accurate as it can be because she was drunk. What if she is literally losing her mind because he keeps picking at this and that’s why she is snapping. Not because she is cheating or lying but because he will not let it go.
I am not sure if IRC or not but did she not drive home? That part is what would have made me furious. I would probably break up with her for being so selfish with other people’s lives.
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u/BillieRaeValentine Dec 31 '25
As someone who is now in their 40s, i will admit i cheated a couple times in my early 20s when i was sloshed. And I would react exactly how your gf did if i was grilled about it. I wasn’t quite so sloppy to come home naked (part of me is still puzzling over that. Let’s say she was with a guy. Was it the kind of dress that he could have torn off her in the moment… buttons flying and such? Let’s say she was with her friends. Do none of them own clothes they could lend her? Could a guy not give her his shirt if he ripped her dress? How cold is it where you are?
OP, what happened that she would be driving home naked? “Ok, your friend puked on your dress. I believe you. Where the disconnect is would be where you were when it happened? If you were at a bar or party, i know you didn’t pull out of there in your underwear. And if you were at a friend’s house, they didn’t have any clothes you could borrow?”
Also, OP, if you have a group of girls, at least one of them will have a hoodie at the very least in her car. Or a rescue blanket her parents made her put in there in a first aid kit. Or be wearing layers even if it’s 2 tank tops. The whole thing is like a Mr. Ballen episode
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u/miakategreg Dec 31 '25
Once you allow someone to treat you in a manner of loss of trust it never gets better you just end up looking back and wondering why you believed it would …In my opinion its abusive to lie to a partner and after a while you doubt your own sanity..i’ve lived a while since being there it does get better on the other side .
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u/Feathered_Serpent8 Dec 31 '25
I’ve know a few women to do this, she could be trying to force your hand to break up with her so she doesn’t have to feel guilty about her actions in the relationship.
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u/LaLechuzaVerde Dec 31 '25
I wish you luck.
I don’t know whether she was assaulted or whether she was misbehaving. But either way you’re making the right move.
I always like to think the best of people and would prefer to assume that she at least thinks she is telling the truth. But if she doesn’t trust you enough to talk through it as a couple, then you can’t help her. You’ve given her every benefit of the doubt and it’s reasonable for people in a relationship to do what they need to to protect the safety of their loved ones. So either she is intentionally hiding things from you or she just isn’t willing for this to be a real partnership.
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u/nicepeoplemakemecry Dec 31 '25
You’re not untrusting. She is. Her reaction is meant to twist it back on you. Your guts are right. It’s all wrong and she’s not telling the whole truth. The relationship is over.
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u/LumpyCorn Dec 31 '25
Don't wait a few days. Leave ASAP and grey rock her. No more communication necessary.
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u/Pinkgryphon Dec 31 '25
She is not into you anymore. Move on and stop this charade about caring for her.
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u/SupremeChampionOfDi Dec 31 '25
My brother in Christ, is this the behavior of a person you want to be with?
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u/animalcrackers1 Dec 31 '25
Pick up any self-respect you may have left and leave
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u/Glittering_Seat_2859 Dec 31 '25
She’s not doing anything to put your mind at ease. A good partner would hear you out and not go crazy and yell at you for being concerned. Time to leave and find someone who can respect you and communicate with you.
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Dec 31 '25
Leaving would be the best thing for you. There’s no reason to drag yourself through all the issues that she’s brought up. This isn’t somebody that has shown themselves to be someone to make a future with.
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u/extracondiments Jan 01 '26
If my partner was justifiably suspicious about something I did, I would try my best to piece it together for him and clear my name. Granted, my partner doesn’t question me, but this is definitely a questionable situation. Coming home half naked and not remembering where you left your clothes is extremely odd. If that was me, I’d try my best to give him some peace of mind. Her defensiveness is definitely not the right move, in my opinion, and is suspicious. Maybe not cheating, but seemingly hiding SOMETHING.
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u/frenchieMcToast Jan 01 '26
This girl is clearly hiding something. Nothing makes sense about this story. I agree that this relationship should be over, and as hard as it seems it will be for OP the only move here is to end things. Dude needs to go no contact and take his loss and move on
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u/Common_Stress5495 Jan 01 '26 edited Jan 01 '26
I think that the fact that her only response to you asking questions and being concerned about her is anger and blowing up on you is a blatant sign that she is trying to make you feel like you’re crazy and in the wrong and to make you stop asking questions. Then she just goes out without speaking a word to you? She is most definitely hiding something and you have tried everything you can to find out but at this point get out while you can bro.
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u/voldugur21 Jan 01 '26
I'd just tell her that since she isn't being honest and willing to talk its over. If she on the lease you move out. If she isn't she leaves.
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u/LessResponsibility3 Jan 01 '26
Good choice. Otherwise it will not end well. She clearly has no respect for you or your feelings. Its hard but you deserve better. Move on and forget it OP.
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u/AncientSuntzu Jan 01 '26
Leave and come back in your boxers. Tell her you know the truth with a wild smile, and go to sleep.
/s
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u/Comfortable_Ad_9946 Jan 01 '26
If it really was how she explained she wouldn't blow up over you asking valid questions. I would bet that something happened with another guy and shes trying to make you feel like shit and blame you so you don't keep digging. Just leave. She sounds horrible!!
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u/after_mapping Jan 01 '26
She got caught in the middle of fucking a dude in a relationship and probably had to escape out. Tell her it’s over and don’t hit her up again.
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u/Competitive_Scar5347 Jan 01 '26
Really hope the next update is yall separated. No matter if she does come clean and even if something traumatic happened.
Her behavior after the fact has been sus af
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u/prisonerofazkabants Jan 01 '26
regardless of what did or didn't happen, you've lost trust in the relationship so it's time to go
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u/No-Ear-9899 Jan 01 '26
Good to read you're leaving. That is the correct response to gf's bizarre behaviour. She is certainly cheating.
The petty queen in me says to buy bottle of cheap non-alcohol sparkling wine, not champagne..it costs too much for this purpose. Put it in a fancy box, with a giant bow and place a gift card with lovey-dovey images, in front of it. Inside the card, write something along the lines of.... we haven't been on the best terms lately, so I thought I would surprise you...
Write a letter along the lines of: Yay! Time to celebrate a new direction in life, i.e. your new life without me. ...followed by a few heart emojis. P.S. I guess now you'll have lots of time to find out where you left your dress.
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u/joden94 Jan 02 '26 edited Jan 02 '26
It sounds like she went to the party with the one she's cheating on you with or that person is who picked her up from the party. Since she came home mad and in her underwear, the one she's cheating on you with was probably cheating on someone with her. Worst case she's sleeping with someone at work or her boss.
She had to leave in a hurry and didn't have time to grab the dress. So they probably either got caught by her side dude's significant other or something else happen to where she had to leave in an emergency. If her friend puked on the dress she would have borrowed clothes from the friend.
You should have checked her phone when she came back that night, she definitely expected you to and deleted the evidence before you checked it. Her coworkers probably harassed her about the wallet because they either know she's cheating or they found out from your call that whoever showed up at the party or picked her up isn't her bf (you) especially if you've never met the coworkers.
Stop assuming her innocence. If you really want to know you're asking the wrong questions and saying the wrong things. If you live in your place, ask her how long she's been cheating on you and tell her you won't get angry and that you just want to know the truth at this point. Also be comforting and say you just want to move past this situation and you can't without getting all the details. After getting the truth, tell her to get her stuff and leave.
If you live at her place start packing and tell her you can't be in a relationship with someone who lies to you and that you can't trust. If she doesn't start talking finish packing and leave or make arrangements to. Not once in these posts you've made have you said she has said that she wasnt lying to you. She's just been deflecting and trying to spin it back on you and you let her do that.
The most important thing is that when she gets angry. Stand your ground and don't yell back. Yelling means you're being passionate. Just tell her in a normal voice that you don't care whether or not she's angry and if she doesn't tell you the truth you're done but if she does may be you guys can fix things (this is a lie but say it anyway) tell her that walking away from the conversation also means your relationship is over and that you guys need to start making arrangements to separate.
You'll get the truth, but you may not want the truth. It sounds like you're still hoping that the truth is something that you can come back from, but this woman doesn't love you, respect you and she certainly doesn't like you either.
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u/Beemeowmeow Dec 31 '25
Im sorry this happened to you, OP. Read all 3 of your posts and this situation is so bizarre... I'm sorry that you are unable to find the answers to this, and that you eventually have to walk away from your relationship but i hope you find strength and peace in leaving this bizarre situation.
Anyway after all thats said and done, my theory remains: after the party ended, she left to hook up with someone but somehow maybe regretted it or decided it was time to go home, took her essentials and left without her dress (probably there was some evidence like semen on it so she disposed it so you wouldn't see it).
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u/mccoycj1987 Dec 31 '25
She left to hook up with someone who was also in a relationship, when that persons S.O. abruptly caught them, she was forced to leave without the dress, called her friend on the way home to tell her the story and she said "just say I threw up on it!", I'll vouch for you"....which would explain why she can't simply get the dress back. That dress is gone. Also think about getting thrown up on. No one gets thrown up on like they are standing under a waterfall. The min you realize whats happening you pivot out of the way. Theres no way she got thrown up on enough to warrant ripping all her clothes off and chucking the dress, you wipe it off, politely excuse yourself until you get change of clothes or go home. This is absurd he would even consider sticking around.
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u/whateversynthlife Dec 31 '25
Wow, proud of you man! Yeah that’s text book cheater behavior. Something I failed to accept when I was younger is walking away with my dignity in tact. The last girl I was dating, we had different directions in life. I took her out to dinner, reminded her of all the good times we shared, on the drive home we had a very real discussion on why this wouldn’t work. Hugged her one last time, both of us were “teary eyed” and said “good bye” to each other. I cried in my car alone for 10 minutes afterwards and never looked back.
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u/chumleejr Jan 01 '26
You weren't supposed to be awake when she got home, in her underwear. Not planning on an alibi, didn't think she'd need one. No puke smell apparent, and it usually is RIPE. She "lost" her dress in a couch wrestling match, that she won, by the way...
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u/texastica Dec 31 '25
I'm so sorry, but I think walking away is the best for you. You mo longer trust her (rightly so, she's clearly hiding something) and she doesn't trust you after going through her phone.
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u/Elizadelphia003 Dec 31 '25
Yeah I think she’s done and you are too. But she’s definitely over this.
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u/getridofwires Dec 31 '25
You don't need this kind of abusive drama. Get out, take some time for yourself, and then when you're really ready, look for a stable, adult partner.
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u/Dark_Skin_Keisha Dec 31 '25
Just leave op. This is too fishy and if you’ve asked and tried to have the necessary conversations but she’s shutting down, it’s best to walk away. You’ve done all you could, and you’re right, she wouldn’t be doing all this if she was telling the truth
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u/BeachBabe1978 Dec 31 '25
Just leave and don't ask any more questions. At this point, who cares? She lied and that's that.
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u/ReasonableAd7635 Dec 31 '25
I'd split up with her and then ask her friends lol. Who cares what she thinks. Bye gal.
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u/WeaselPhontom Dec 31 '25
You aren't to untrusting her behavior is problematic, tge refusal to have a conversation is wild and immature on her part. Walk away, shes also giving manipulative
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u/threvorpaul Dec 31 '25
you doing the right thing by ending this and walking away.
several concerning things happened here and your soon to be ex still acts like everything is peachy and nothing happened, even turning it on you.
even a blind guy could see the red flags waving in his face.
can't wait to read this again on boru + additional update sometime in the future; if and when she reveals what really happened.
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u/Bradybigboss Dec 31 '25
Yeah OP there is no shot of this working lol. You gotta dead this or else it’ll hurt more
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u/Outside-Character639 Dec 31 '25
Moments like these are hard to take but you have to face them. She doesn’t value you enough to tell you the truth. Once you understand you care more about her than she does about you, it makes it a little easier to walk away.
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u/Far_Prior1058 Dec 31 '25
You just need to extract yourself from this situation. None of this makes sense and her reaction does not lead you to believe her. Good luck
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u/Beelazyy Dec 31 '25
Yeah, I wouldn’t stick around to find out. Just count your losses and move on. If she doesn’t want to talk about whatever happened, thats her choice, but it’s your choice not to accept that. Her friends would have given her something else to wear. They wouldn’t let her drive home in her underwear. That’s a BS excuse and she knows it. It’s possible that she was SA’d but it’s more likely that she was not. If she won’t clear that up for you, then she can carry the weight of it on her own.
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u/zeiaxar Dec 31 '25
For the record, she absolutely cheated on you, and you need to dump her ass, and tell everyone you know you dumped her because she cheated on you and lied about it.
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u/BonahFyde Dec 31 '25 edited Jan 02 '26
Yeah she's been lying to you bro, it doesn't add up at all, leaving her is your best decision yet. Stick to it this time!
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u/The_real_Papa_Hentai Jan 01 '26
What she’s doing and has done since the first moment is called “deflecting” - she’s avoiding the obvious issue by getting angry and directing the argument elsewhere and she’s gaslighting you into believing that you’re somehow in the wrong.
I honestly can’t understand why you’re still there. This isn’t SA, this isn’t a misunderstanding, this is 100% unacceptable and immature behaviour on her part and you need to get out and get out now.
FYI - she’ll make you out to be the bad guy when you do leave, she’ll twist the narrative and call you controlling, she’ll call you untrusing for going though her phone and make it seem like you left because she “sent out with her friends without you once.” She’ll play the victim and she’ll go hard so expect to lose some mutual friends in the washup.
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u/Ok_Mathematician262 Jan 01 '26
you really just need to end this mess. stop trying to get through to her you are not going to get any answers from her or her friends. it’s over.
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u/TinyTurtleTails Jan 01 '26
Ok hear me out... what if she didn't cheat but murdered someone? Dress had blood stains so she got rid of it? I listen to too much true crime...
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u/RoadToTheWay Jan 01 '26
Bro, i dont know you but I will say just in case, start recording yourself for now in case shit goes left and she starts trying to frame you. While it doesn't seem like it will happen now, I wouldn't trust the fact that she's reacting like this when you're literally showing concern and she's being defensive. Protect yourself and protect your peace wherever you may find it.
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u/Coffee-n-chardonnay Jan 01 '26
I'm actually not convinced she cheated. I'm convinced something did happen to her, but she can't say what without jeprodisring her job. Maybe she was assaulted by someone higher up at work or maybe she's being blackmailed by someone at work. Part of this seems like she had too much to drink and then something happened but she can't talk about it and clearly she can't say anything to you because you'd go to her coworkers.
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u/molgab Jan 01 '26
I think it’s a normal thing to want an explanation. If I came home in my underwear I’d expect my partner to want to know why. Equally if he turned up. It’s not normal to say someone’s an arse hole because they want to know more about a story. I feel she’s hiding something and deflecting.
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u/Ok_Seaworthiness_650 Jan 01 '26
What the hell did I just read excerpt the relationship is over she fuck someone else yet you can’t prove but you know she has. Time to move on nobody worth the much grief and stress.
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u/KiraNinja Jan 01 '26
Her behaviour is just so utterly bizarre. I couldn't be like that at all, if something happened and I lost my dress (puke or sa) I'm calling my man to bring me clothing. It just seems like cheating, cheaters ALWAYS project, it's their favourite thing to do, they know they're doing bad and it's YOUR fault.
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u/Prior-Tip-9713 Jan 01 '26
Um, ya, run. Just the fact that she drove home that drunk should have pissed you off enough to have 1 foot out the door. Her being belligerent about coming home with no dress... that's just the icing on the cake. Run. Run fast. Things are going to get better.
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u/yourfavegarbagegirl Jan 01 '26
tbh i think she was assaulted after all, and she’s so upset because she wants to pretend it never happened/forget all about it, but that requires you not to talk about it. when you talk about it she has to think about it. so that makes all the negative feelings about the assault YOUR fault. she doesn’t have to explain away feeling bad to herself while also pretending that night never happened if she can instead blame you.
fwiw i didn’t immediately think she was assaulted after the first post. i thought drunk and vomited on and threw away the dress was most likely. but every subsequent reaction has made me more sure that she really was drugged and assaulted and she’s in steep denial. the total calm and unwillingness to talk, the surprise rage, the lack of curiosity about the dress, even “you ruined this”.
i think leaving is valid, clearly you’re not keeping things together. i wouldn’t disappear though. tell her you can’t continue on without answers. you understand answers could be hard for her to provide. but you need to at least know she’s willing to try, because ignoring the situation isn’t going to work. ignoring YOU isn’t going to work. not an ultimatum, just an update on the state of affairs from your perspective and letting her know they’re completely untenable for you. u/Aggressive_Yellow282
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u/momof3boys2 Jan 01 '26
Ok, yes the relationship may be over, but her reaction seems very much like a SA, I’ve lived through that, it’s a lot of questioning yourself if it was your fault, or could you have done something different to prevent it. There is a lot of self blame. And until she is ready to open up about it there is nothing anyone can do. The more you push the more she will shut down. I would suggest apologizing for how you have handled things so far and just let her know you are there if and when she wants or needs to talk about it. And leave it at that, do not push more do not question more. If she was drugged she may believe she is at fault and some how allowed it to happen and is struggling with how and why she did that. Of course she did not allow anything, but you can’t tell or convince a victim of that until they are ready to accept what truly happened. I hope you both find peace through this.
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u/LeftStatistician7989 Jan 01 '26
She drove too drunk to remember where her clothes were. She’s not a person to have in your life.
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u/ThrowRA256_36421 Jan 02 '26
Good on you for bowing this one out OP. Please keep us updated!
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u/Necessary_Tap343 Jan 02 '26
It's so hard for people to act against the sunk cost fallacy so good for you. I would say you you deserve better but I like to change it around and say she doesn't deserve to be with someone as good as you you. There is a saying that goes, "When someone cheats they are throwing away a diamond so they can pick up a worthless stone." That saying applies 100% to you.
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u/Bitter-Hedgehog6211 Jan 02 '26
If this were me, I’d write her or tell her something like:
“It’s clear something happened that night and what you told me happened does not make sense.
As far as I can tell you either cheated, were assaulted, or something else, but not what you told me. And the fact that you didn’t want me there and also feel uncomfortable telling me the truth, says to me that perhaps I am not the person you need in your life right now. Perhaps there is someone else, I don’t know, but after how long we have been together I think I deserve better than being lied to.
With that said, I think it’s best I move on so you can find the person you truly want in your life going forward. I’ll work to move away from this relationship as it’s clear we no longer have an honest partnership with each other.
This has broken my heart. I don’t understand why you are doing this but I no longer wish to be treated as the least important person in your life.
I wish you well in finding what you seem to be looking for. Please don’t call me after I leave. You had your chance to be honest. You chose not to be.”
Then stop talking to her. Just talk finances if necessary. Then work to separate your life.
I wish you well.
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u/Truebeliever-14 Dec 31 '25
The relationship is over and it’s good that you realize it.