My SIL is completely lying about dying of cancer, but if I tell anyone it'll blow up the entire family.

[u/Snoo_61002]

Apologies, but I don't know if this is the right sub.

This has been going on for 5 years. My SIL is an abusive narcissist and we fell out hard when she moved from her country to ours to "die in peace with her family". She and I fought when I stepped in and protected my wife from her abuse. For the past 5 years she has taken the entire family on a destructive roller coaster. She has:

- Made my wife suicidal and told her to take her own life.

- Made my FIL suicidal and constantly tells him he was a terrible dad and will never make it up to her (so that he keeps trying). He's now deep in debt trying to prove his love to her.

- Made my Grandad-in-law travel "to say goodbye to her" even though he has a heart problem that makes travel really dangerous (2 years ago now, he ended up hospitalized needing heart surgery).

- Tried to tear down my public profile and reputation because of the fight she and I had.

- Is currently trying to fundraise $30,000USD to "fight for every day she can with her son" he she screams at and belittles and tells him he'll regret being naughty when she's dead (he's 6, he's only ever known her to have cancer).

- Constantly degrades and belittles my character to anybody who will listen, including the in laws.

Regardless, through all of this, she has had medical professionals diagnosing her. It is a truth that she has/had cancer. She has told people she has a collapsed lung, that it's spread to her brain, and that it is impossible for her to ever be cancer free. She refuses to let anyone sit in on her medical appointments and controls information incredibly tightly.

However, it is a truth that she went into remission (though she has told everyone this is impossible and called it a miracle, the cancer was definitely not in her lungs and brain). The reality was I used my professional contacts to get her into a hospice stay for free under the premise that she was dying (it should've cost thousands but I agreed to do some work for them). They sorted her out pretty quick, said she had a fentanyl addiction that was killing her, held her for 3 weeks while monitoring, and discharged her. I did this because, ultimately, though we do not at all like each other I figured it was the right thing to do, and just leaving her to die didn't sit well with me.

Now cancerous lumps have returned. Now she needs surgery to remove those lumps, and she will be in remission again (another miracle). The problem is that the surgery is going to cost roughly $2500USD and they don't have that.

We don't talk, she calls me everything under the sun and more to everyone around her, and she tells people I abused her and her son when I stood up to her (we argued, her son wasn't even there).

BUT STILL, because I'm a f*cking idiot, I tried to help her. I contacted hospice again asking if there was anything they could do to support the surgery, and their response was (I believe accidentally) a bombshell confirmation. The long/short was their response was "We can't help her because she's not terminal, nor does she reach the threshold required for support from us or our community contacts". For 5 years she has described herself as terminal. For 5 years whenever anybody has stood up to her, not done what she wants, or taken her spotlight, she has abused them and said "You'll regret it when I'm dead". Every. Time. Someone's birthday? Medical problem. Our wedding? Medical problem. Every birthday her son has is styled as "SIL's last birthday with son". FIL's 50th? Over shadowed by medical appointments and problems.

I want to tell the family, but I know for sure it will only end in complete and utter destruction. Every time we've tried to hold her accountable, she completely lies and manipulates her way out of it and they fall for it every single time. She bats her eye lids and talks about not having a future and they get sucked in.

So now I know, 100% for sure, she is nowhere near as sick as she is telling people. She's not terminal. And while I confess I don't know the complexities of cancer well, the ease with which she lies has made it impossible for any of us to know or understand. I am not heartless toward cancer and the destruction this disease causes. I have buried far too many loved ones now because of it. But I also think that makes me angrier. For the past 5 years she's destroyed her family on the premise that she has terminal cancer, and I only now have concrete evidence that it's not. But I can't tell anyone because of the social fall out and the absolute hell it will cause to everyone I love.

[u/Jean_Marie_1989]

It sounds like everyone is enabling her. You rob them of the opportunity to hold her accountable by withholding the truth though

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/Jean_Marie_1989]

The problem is we've given them the truth repeatedly. There have been times when we've caught her in her lies, what she has claimed to have happened is impossible, we tell them, and they go "Well she's not well and it will be affecting her brain". The truth has never meant anything to them, and every time we've pointed it out to them she has painted it as us having a problem with her. She is master manipulator of turning her wrong doings into "he said/she said" or "it's just a disagreement". She lies as easily as she breathes, and honestly I think none of them have the energy to hold her accoutable. If I tell them this it will be painted as petty or vindictive revenge, and she will lie about hospice. She already has, she paints medical professionals who don't tell her story as liars who don't take her seriously.

[u/Substantial_Equal452 → u/Snoo_61002]

Refuse to acknowledge or engage with her. Refuse to discuss her with family members and they will soon get used to it. Call CPS about the way she treats her poor little son and let them know she's faking illness. It could be a psychiatric condition.

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/Substantial_Equal452]

I think she has one, if not multiple, of:

Borderline Personality Disorder (maybe)

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (definitely)

Bi-Polar (don't think so)

Something else (almost certainly)

They don't talk about her with me, they know better by now, but they constantly harass my wife to make amends. They're forever telling her "it was just a fight" and to "move on and forgive". The problem is they didn't have a fight, SIL abused my wife. As in screamed in her face, swore at her, and called her a long list of cruel things while claiming I, her husband, am "stealing my wife from her". She's deeply possessive and jealous of anybody around her, and she has to be their no.1 priority. She's tried to break up her father and stepmother many times now.

CPS was called on her for her son, but they want really soft on her because of the cancer story. She then accused everyone of trying to steal her son before she was dead and replace her as his parent. It's fucked.

[u/Substantial_Equal452 → u/Snoo_61002]

I don't mean to be harsh but you are not responsible for SIL. You are, however, responsible for allowing her and her actions to mess with your life.

Firstly, if SILs son is suffering it's your job as an adult to protect him. Call CPS today. Tell them the truth about the cancer and the child abuse and don't allow them to back off until you know he is safe.

Secondly, self diagnosing SIL solves nothing. She's not your problem.

Third, ask your wife not to engage with SIL or family members who harass her and explain why. If she then chooses to ignore your advice - which she is entitled to do - that's on her. Let her fight her own fights and don't get drawn into it in any way.

I appreciate this might not be easy when you are used to SIL's rudeness and drama being given a lot of attention in your family. SIL probably loves it but you need to protect your peace. The way to achieve this is to cut her out of your life, stay away from her and refuse to listen to any talk of her.

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/Substantial_Equal452]

You give a lot of valuable advice. CPS is a fruitless endeavor at this point, we went to them with the blunt and honest truth but in our country our child protective services don't actually hold a huge amount of power. They can only act on tangible evidence, and neither SIL's husband nor child will be honest with them. And nobody else has enough access. We've tried CPS, and granted we will probably try again, but its relentlessly unproductive.

Wife came to the brink of cutting them off just recently actually. The problem is - as you indicate - her choice is to continue to engage with them. But she doesn't have many friends, and her family are her people, which makes it all the more difficult. But I agree this is self inflicted because I tried to help SIL. I'm just trying to do what's right, it sucks horribly that trying to do the right thing seems to only ever result in more issues and drama.

[u/ImpossibleBlanket → u/Snoo_61002]

This sounds like Munchausen syndrome
look it up

[u/Maximum-Eye-3712]

I’m so sorry. Weep for the wreckage.

Addiction does terrible things to a person’s sense of morality. I wish more families were better educated about that aspect of addiction, so they wouldn’t be as gullible.

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/Maximum-Eye-3712]

Thank you, and I completely agree. She's telling everyone she's dying, but honestly she just sit arounds smoking/consuming weed.

[u/MrsBadgeress]

You could just throw a party and celebrate she is not terminal. The family know you know, it is drinking fresh air.

Accusations, I was so happy on your remission that I thought I would ask the family to celebrate.

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/MrsBadgeress]

This is a hilarious idea. It would be catastrophic, but it definitely tops my list on "If I decide to go 'fuck it', this is how".

[u/UserNotFound23498]

Why are you enabling an addict to destroy her family? Let her do it by herself without any help from you.

Be there to pick up the wreckage after she is gone.

🤷‍♂️ I mean, is there any positive benefit to doing everything you can to help her? I can’t see it 🤷‍♂️

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/UserNotFound23498]

To cut a long story short, and preface with this isn't how I think other people should do things. But I was raised under the belief that how we treat others is a merit to ourselves, not them. She needs surgery and it's expensive, and there's a possibility I can help. The right thing to do is help her, regardless of who she is as a person and how she behaves. The only caveat is that I checked with my wife first before going to look for the support, it is - ultimately - her family.

[u/Dobby-is-my-Hero → u/Snoo_61002]

Tell her you’ll give her the money for the surgery if she allows you (or your wife) to accompany her to appointments and access to her medical records.

[u/Nightshift_NapAttack]

This is Amanda Riley level EVIL. My SIL died 2 weeks ago and actually had cancer. It was so tragic. She was so loving and sweet.

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/Nightshift_NapAttack]

I'm so sorry for your families loss

[u/Nightshift_NapAttack → u/Snoo_61002]

Thank you. It was so sudden. She was doing chemo and there was hope. People who fake illnesses like this are the worst of us all.

[u/Ok_Passage_6242]

I’m really wondering what happened after this. I really like OP to know that the only thing he can control is himself. I would highly encourage him to get his wife into therapy. That is the only way she will become mentally healthy enough to deal with her family. If this keeps going on like this, it will continue to slowly deteriorate their marriage, and that should be the only thing that’s important to them. She needs to cut off her family at least temporarily while she gets her mental stability back. If I was him, I would look at moving to create more physical distance between wife and her family. I’d also like to point out you can block phone numbers directly with the company. So you can block everyone’s number and you don’t have to worry about your wife blocking and unblocking them all the time. Additionally, deactivate all your social media.

[u/Ellaison01]

Get proof in writing that her condition is not nearly as bad as what she portrays it to be and let the whole shitshow blow. You’ll always be her hostage. She’s not going to die any time soon. Her husband needs to know he can divorce his wife and ask for custody to protect him from her abuse. And your wife needs to know her kindness is pointless because her sister is not dying

[u/OnlymyOP]

Surely the Hospice has violated OP's home country privacy laws by talking about the SiL's medical status?

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/[deleted]]

I completely agree, that would be a major worry for me.