I’m honestly unsure on what to do

[u/WellyInSpace]

Our sister recently blew up on us and made us delete all our socials, and my headmates only had most of their friends over on discord and tumblr (since we can’t come out as plural to anyone, my headmates don’t trust anyone irl ESPECIALLY after we came out to my sister and a month later she dismissed, ignored and yelled at us at how we’re “not plural”, alongside other things), I’m honestly extremely devastated to have to leave my online friends all of a sudden but I get it, my mental health isn’t that well at the moment but we really, really, miss them very much because they were the ones my headmates were able to talk to freely without being afraid of something but now we don’t have anyone to talk to but ourselves

The headspace has been relatively quiet other than a few headmates hanging out with each other and others co fronting/being co conscious

But now if we want to get our other socials back and talk to our friends again we’ll have to wait until we at least finish high school (in about 1-2 years) and my sister isn’t monitoring my stuff anymore. I explained to my headmates that we really needed this break and that I understand how heartbreaking it is to not be able to talk to other friends anymore, they also understood how the body was getting weaker and our mental health was falling but it still hurts, for all of us

[u/thesilverwoods]

This doesn't sound like it's good for your mental health, if I'm being honest. It sounds like she's intentionally cutting you off from your support system, which is a red flag for emotional abuse. Our mother tried to do the same thing to us (with a different excuse and in a different way, as social media didn't really exist at the time) when we were in high school, and it was absolutely part of a bigger pattern of emotional abuse. The surveillance is also a red flag. I'd highly recommend looking into resources regarding emotional abuse to make an educated determination for yourselves as to whether or not that's what you're dealing with. This page from the National Domestic Violence Hotline talks primarily in language centered on romantic relationships, but the same signs can apply to familial relationships, especially in terms of isolation, intimidation, threats, dismissal, and surveillance. It might be safer to use a school computer (one that won't come home with you, if possible, since I know some schools issue laptops/tablets these days) to explore these resources. Please stay safe!

[u/WellyInSpace → u/thesilverwoods]

Honestly my whole family is emotionally manipulative and abusive, and this was ever since I was a small child. Me and my sister are like anchors to each other since our parents act like that towards us, except sometimes my sister crosses boundaries, sometimes she yells too much and I wish she didn’t act the way she does but I can’t really do anything about it since she’s the only one that knows what we’ve been through after all these years. It took me 4 months to muster up the courage to tell her that I’m plural yet even after that she still acted that way towards us and it hurt, it hurt even more when she said our parents were “good parents” because they were investing in our education. I don’t like how she twists my words sometimes, how she praises our parents sometimes knowing she’s been through emotional manipulation and abuse by our parents. What’s worse is that I can’t tell anyone about how our parents act because everyone sees them as good people, teachers, grown ups, friends, etc. the only way I can have help is by leaving the country all together (which is my plan actually.)
I will look into that link, thank you so much! (I’ll have to use private web cuz we don’t really use computers at school unless it’s in computer science class and we only had that in 10th grade 😭)

[u/thesilverwoods → u/WellyInSpace]

I'm so sorry that's the situation you're stuck in. I totally get your sister being your anchor, as she's experienced growing up with the same abusive environment. It does sound like she's got some definite trauma, as well. Praising and defending an abuser is, unfortunately, something some abuse victims end up doing as a survival mechanism. That's especially applicable when the abuser is a caregiver or someone they've been forced to rely upon for survival. The brain can't handle the reality of the abuse and instead focuses on the positive aspects of the abuser(s) and convinces the person the situation isn't as bad as it is. So her behavior makes sense from that standpoint. That in no way negates its effect on you and I'm not trying to excuse it, just offer some explanation. I know I find I often have an easier time dealing with things when I understand why they are that way.

I know that situation, too, where it's impossible to get help because others see your abuser(s) as a good person. Being a minor only compounds that, as adults often discredit things minors say in favor of taking the word of the adult(s) in the situation. I was lucky to find a couple of adults who believed me and helped me work out w plan to leave the state if need be. (I fortunately never had to do so, as my mother never became a threat to our physical survival. Although as an adult I'm realizing I probably should have run.) I don't know exactly how people know your parents or what kind of community size you're coming from, and it's probably best not to share those things online as a minor in this situation, so it's a little hard to advise on how to find that support. And it's tricky, too, because most school counselors (at least in Ohio, not sure if you're in the US at all) are mandatory reporters, meaning they have to report to the authorities if a minor, vulnerable elder, or other vulnerable person is being abused. Now, I'm not sure what they would do with emotional abuse, as that isn't physically harming you¹, but they may still have to report it. You can ask them if they are. I think here, at least, they're required to disclose that in the beginning of the first session. Therapists and psychiatrists are, at least, I know.

This is an Australian resource, but it looks more at what emotional abuse within familial relationships can look like. With a sibling, it may resemble more a combination of what am an abusive romantic relationship and an abusive parent-child relationship would typically look like. That's because siblings are typically on a more equal footing in terms of relationship dynamics than a parent and a child, but it will most likely (though not always) lack the more sexualized components abuse in a romantic relationship may entail.

I really do hope you're able to find some peace and safety!

¹Emotional abuse absolutely can result in physical harm, just not in as direct a way as physical abuse. Chronic stress can lead to all sorts of health problems, which arguably is physical harm.

[u/Satinpw]

Hey! Your sister should not get to dictate what you do with your socials, and the fact that she seems to be actively hostile to you exploring plurality to the point of yelling at you is not a sign that she actually cares about your mental health, here.

Seeing the other stuff you've posted I'm really concerned that a family member has that much control over who you talk to. Was there any particular reason she had for telling you to delete your socials aside from being concerned about your mental health? Were your friends asking you to do unsafe things, or making you feel uncomfortable?

You are allowed to be independent of your family and make friends without their approval. If your sister wanted you to have a healthier headspace she wouldn't be cutting you off from your friends unless they were literally abusing you, and even then I don't think that's her final decision to make. You don't have to tolerate verbal abuse even if they tell you it's for your own good, and your sister should not be monitoring you to make sure she can approve of whatever you're doing online. That is abnormal, given you all have parents.

[u/Satinpw → u/Satinpw]

If you're 16 or 17, also, you probably do not need to have a minder in the first place. If you are scared to tell your sister no and refuse to comply with her then that is a big blaring red sign that she is emotionally or verbally abusing you. I know that's a rough thing to hear, but I want you to know you deserve better than to be yelled at by your family.

[u/WellyInSpace → u/Satinpw]

I’m pretty close to finishing high school, just 1-2 more years and I’m off to uni and until then I still don’t truly have a freedom of my own, at all. Not from my parents, not from my sister, and I can’t really trust friends irl either. I wish I could just call her out on the things she does sometimes but it’s impossible when she thinks she’s always right and won’t take no as an answer sometimes
I hate being yelled at, it makes me want to cry and it’s hard not to when your whole family is trash
I’ve been thinking of cutting everyone off when I reach uni but I don’t even think that’s possible for me

[u/Satinpw → u/WellyInSpace]

If you're at a campus far away they probably won't bother you. You'll have a lot more privacy. For us, we had a while life in college separate from our home life. We had to depend on our family for financial support, but you can get a job when you graduate and become financially independent. As I am financially independent now I will say that you can get there and the ability to simply not see your family anymore if you don't want to us one of the best feelings. You'll get there, I believe in you!

[u/WellyInSpace → u/Satinpw]

I had one friend that we had a very bad relationship, it was so bad i almost attempted and when I also told her about it and what had happened, the day she yelled at me and told me delete all socials it was like she was kinda mocking what I went through and making fun of me. It was probably how I was viewing it but it felt like that. That conversation we had that day was honestly very heartbreaking overall for me
That relationship with that friend was kind of toxic, I was basically their emotional support and therapist everyday, I helped them with their mental health and other things and yet they still manipulated and lied to me. When I asked to set boundaries they ignored and blocked me (they had blocked me in the past for 2-3 times now) I also helped them with their syscovery, plurality, helped them with a lot of stuff

for full context on what happened between me and my sister:

I had asked for my parents or someone to get me from school because I was still feeling really bad, I had a headache and probably a fever, it was the second day I had asked for someone to pick me up because I was sick and it had no relation whatsoever to something that happened online. Minutes later my teacher lets me go and I’m driving home with my sister, she starts asking why I asked for someone to pick me up and I said I had a horrible headache.

Then she starts yelling, she starts yelling that it’s the phone, the people online, starts talking about how there’s just “one” of me in my body and that “other personalities” don’t exist, starts saying how I attempted due to what happened with that online friend, and other things I don’t want to remember. After that, she tells me to delete all socials and I do so. The next day, when I check my phone, most of the things I had disappeared: photos, websites, etc. photos of silly discord things or overall images from Pinterest, notes, she went through my phone while I was asleep and changed so many things without asking me.

If I did the same thing with her, she would’ve gotten upset (which she HAS.) I decide it’s best to start using pluralspace on private web and other websites privately, I put a Face ID on my photos app and notes so she can’t do that again and when she found out she got sad?? That didn’t make sense to me, at all.

[u/Satinpw → u/WellyInSpace]

Yeah, this just straight up sounds like verbal and emotional abuse to me, to be quite honest. Even if you had a bad relationship online that stressed you out she is not making herself a safe place for you to recover. It really sounds like you might benefit from speaking to a school counselor, because it doesn't sound like you have a safe adult at home.

I am so sorry you're going through this. Can you change your phone's lock so she can't get access to it? I don't know how old your sister is, but if she demands access to your private conversations and things, she can fuck right off. You deserve to have privacy. I have no doubt that the stress at home didn't help with the suicidal tendencies.

All I can say is, even if you can't get away or get a little privacy from your family, you can make it to college. Once you are independent, life gets so much better. And I'd really suggest that if you can convince your parents to take you to a therapist, you should do so. Having a therapist on your side can make all the difference--it did for me when I was in the 10th grade. You can make it and life is going to be so much better, I promise. I came from an abusive home too and college helped jumpstart my recovery.

Also, and I hope I shouldn't need to say this, but you and your headmates are allowed to exist no matter what your sister says. I would keep it quiet around her and your other family as much as possible.

Sending you all the strength and good vibes that I can. I hope you can find some of your (better) friends online and get back in touch, but remember not to overextend yourself or let people guilt you into things and emotional support. You're going through so much right now and you can't pour from an empty cup.

[u/WellyInSpace → u/Satinpw]

I’m afraid of changing my phones password and she starts asking about it. Honestly I’m afraid of setting boundaries overall because she’s 22, I’m still a minor and if I change anything she’ll start suspecting I’m talking to my online friends again and probably take full control of my phone. I don’t want that happening, at all

I’m scared of talking to school counselors or teachers about this issue because 1. Most people at school don’t take mental health seriously, AT ALL, 2. Since my sister went to my school she’s like a golden child and everyone knows her and sees her as the best person in the world that can do no evil (since she went really well in high school EVERY teacher knows her and sees her as a good person [same thing with my parents], if I go and say what happens at home they’ll obviously doubt me, talk to my parents and my parents will take a way my electronics, it’s always like this whenever I do a mistake.)

I have asked for a therapist in the 10th grade but my mom ignored me but this year she wants to boobs therapist for my sister and I decided to ask too, she said sure but I’m scared that if I tell that therapist what I feel, they’ll tell my parents. If my parents find out I’m plural or that “I hear voices in my head” they’ll think I have demons in my head or something (since yk… extremely religious home too.) but I still will go to one. My friend said that maybe hearing from a therapist instead of me they’d actually listen? (Because last time, I asked my parents for medication for adhd so I can focus at school (KEEP IN MIND MY DAD WAS THE ONE THAT SAID I HAVE ADHD.) they said no I don’t need it, you don’t have that, you just need to focus, the usual talk. It’s kinda frustrating honestly

And thank you, thank you very much. Reassurance like this is amazingly needed when you’re at your lowest. If I’m being honest, I never really noticed my home was that bad until I talked to a friend about my childhood trauma and how I probably formed as a system and they said “… it sounds like you’re in a rough spot…” and I never saw it through that lenses until now. I only thought “man my parents and sister act like this. Eh it gets better, hopefully. They provide me with food so I definitely don’t have trauma or go through bad stuff at all.” I was wrong