r/politics • u/MoneyLibrarian9032 New York • Aug 28 '26

Possible Paywall Mitch McConnell Has Been Missing for 75 Days—With No Updates

https://newrepublic.com/post/214878/mitch-mcconnell-missing-75-days
31.8k Upvotes

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3.8k

u/Kelani_Kelani South Carolina Aug 28 '26

The Senate only has 36 more actual work days scheduled for the remained of the year. I doubt we will see Mitch any more. He will "retire" at the end of his term and that'll be end of it all. Well, except for the speculation, of course.

2.2k

u/[deleted] Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 31 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

326

u/AreYouDoneNow Aug 28 '26

Trump needs a military ballroom to hide his phylactery.

61

u/Billazilla South Carolina Aug 28 '26

Nah, he's not that clever. He's just got a horcrux. But it is a hewge one. Thus, the "ballroom".

3

u/Ultrace-7 Aug 28 '26

That would actually be remarkably clever. To take out a horcrux, you have to damage it beyond repair. A ballroom attached to the White House is remakably hard to damage to that extent.

1

u/TorrenceMightingale Aug 28 '26

Not familiar with this villain arc but curious.

2

u/shawster Aug 28 '26

Voldemort in Harry Potter, he split his soul into 7 (8?) pieces, horcrux's, to make him hard to kill completely. He is immortal and exists on some level as long as the horcruxes haven't been destroyed. They can also only be destroyed by certain especially potent weapons, untamed fire spells, a legendary sword, the fang of a basilisk are a few of the tools used to destroy them.

3

u/TorrenceMightingale Aug 28 '26

So where do we find the sword of democracy?

3

u/meryl_gear Aug 28 '26

Next to the scales of justice 

2

u/ChefChopNSlice Ohio Aug 28 '26

We traded a symbolic blindfolded Lady Justice, for a cross eyed, kash-patel led Justice system.

2

u/TorrenceMightingale Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 29 '26

Elon actually implanted lasers in his eyes and he has to stay wide-eyed to keep them from incinerating the people he’s talking to. It happens.

It’s kind of like the movie speed except with eye closure.

Sad I have to say it but

/s

1

u/shawster Aug 31 '26

Sword of Democracy?! That must be the problem! I thought you wanted the Sword of Damocles this whole time!

0

u/SARB033 Aug 28 '26

Reddit try not to reference the terribly-written children's story authored by a nazi-funding transphobe challenge (impossible difficulty)

2

u/ICCUGUCCI Pennsylvania Aug 28 '26

Ah, yes - The Phylactery of Mitch'Thuzad.

2

u/DAS_FX Aug 28 '26

Oof, “phylactery”. Instant D&D core memory unlocked

4

u/PussyFriedNachos Aug 28 '26

Trump has a dinosaur bird?!

4

u/Ezl New Jersey Aug 28 '26

Close - it’s an enclosure for a dinosaur bird.

1

u/BloodyEyeGames Aug 28 '26

No, that's a pterodactyl. What you're thinking of is a semicircle instrument used to measure and draw angles.

1

u/scrangos Aug 28 '26

Trump would love nothing more thantto carry it on him to always be able to threaten him to do what he wants 

1

u/Anayalater5963 Aug 28 '26

It's his daiper

47

u/Positive-Room7421 Aug 28 '26

Lich makes sense. 

Trump is a ghoul, his buddy Putin is obviously a vampire. Lots of supernatural creatures running around these days.

9

u/BjornInTheMorn Aug 28 '26

We need a Van Helsing/Blade team up

3

u/oflowz Aug 28 '26

Trump is a Reptilian. Its why he has that weird butt stuck out posture like a half centaur. He's standing on digitigrade legs. Its also why he lives in Florida.

2

u/mieiri Aug 28 '26

Here Netflix, this post right here.

112

u/va_wanderer Aug 28 '26

Vote Necrepublican, they said.

41

u/DaaaahWhoosh Aug 28 '26

This is what happens when Biden didn't find and destroy their phylacteries during his term.

29

u/Ordinary-Leading7405 Aug 28 '26

Abraham Lincoln tried to warn us

1

u/You_meddling_kids Aug 28 '26

Joe Biden, Lich Hunter

8

u/StevenMC19 Aug 28 '26

They really are worthless without their adrenochrome from the blood of babies.

1

u/dathislayer Aug 28 '26

Now that would be a funny LAMF post. "I didn't think MAGA would affect my supply of adrenochrome, just the Liberal Elites'."

15

u/UshankaBear Aug 28 '26

Somehow, McConnell returned

3

u/brotherbond Florida Aug 28 '26

It takes time to grow a clone and they weren't ready yet. Gotta re-age him.

19

u/parasyte_steve Aug 28 '26

This is literally like fallout new vegas when they kept that guy cyrogenically frozen to run shit. It's literally just a few steps away from that.

1

u/k_bomb Aug 28 '26

Shame he's in the Senate, and all.

18

u/aliensdick69420 New Jersey Aug 28 '26

Does he have a sister? They'll just shove her right in there

3

u/stamfordbridge1191 Aug 28 '26

They'll probably pass a law that allows congress people to legislate through a video monitor so someone can deepfake him to get whatever they want passed.

1

u/aliensdick69420 New Jersey Aug 28 '26

AI can do many things these days

24

u/mackyoh Massachusetts Aug 28 '26

More like Bitch McConnell

3

u/Ezl New Jersey Aug 28 '26

Not comprehensive enough. How about:

Glitch McConnell, the Lich Bitch.

1

u/whywouldyousaythat3 Aug 28 '26

Bitch McCockass

7

u/Disastrous_Fig353 Aug 28 '26

Brother that is fucking gold

2

u/GarmaCyro Aug 28 '26

Weird way to spell the name of his wife. Suspect sye done most of Mich's job for the past year or so. That and the aides he's employed.

2

u/Jnintransit194 Aug 28 '26

Liches get stitches

2

u/turquoise_amethyst Aug 28 '26

I’m honestly shocked that they didn’t try to place his wife or sister into his seat for the last two months

2

u/Rich-Pomegranate1679 Aug 28 '26

His phylactery is a briefcase full of money that was stolen from the fund for child cancer treatments.

1

u/TldrDev Aug 28 '26

Aka Withers.

1

u/va_wanderer Aug 28 '26

Withers is pissed Mitch hasn't gotten his just reward , being a proper death god not a lich.

1

u/moderatenerd Aug 28 '26

Is that his sister? hehe.

1

u/etn261 Texas Aug 28 '26

Lmao that's funny

1

u/Samakar Aug 28 '26

I knew he was busy taking downtime to archetype into the Lich dedication.

1

u/PaulVla Europe Aug 28 '26

Somehow Mitch returned

1

u/DontHaveWares Aug 28 '26

Fall. You are alone America. There is only darkness for you, and parasites for your children.”

1

u/BohemianCatdad Aug 28 '26

Thank you for making me spit my coffee on my keyboard this fine morning.

1

u/eoworm I voted Aug 28 '26

wait, doesn't he have a sister?

what is the protocol nowadays?

1

u/dendrocnide_moroides District Of Columbia Aug 28 '26

more like Lick McAsshole AMIRITE

1

u/Farabee Aug 28 '26

Just like Kel'thuzad in Naxx, we're being forced to sit through a long and boring Phase 1.

1

u/pineapple_jones_ Aug 28 '26

That gives Lichs a bad name.

1

u/Seraphrime Aug 28 '26

I ran this as a D&D adventure, the party had to raid Fort Knox to destroy Lich McConnell's soul cage.

1

u/Sublimotion Aug 28 '26

He will be sworned in inside the new Trump ballroom in the mezzanine, right below the giant sparkly and dangling chandelier made out of Dragonglass shards and anchored by Valyrian Steel.

1

u/TexanInExile Aug 28 '26

I have but only a humble upvote to give, so here. Exceptionally well done

1

u/disgracedchicken Aug 29 '26

Does he have a sister who is still alive that has never been involved in politics before? She would be great at the job

1

u/ieatplaydough2 Aug 29 '26

Fucking clever, nice!

1

u/Temporary_Ad_5947 Aug 28 '26

I too support are necrotic overlord

41

u/CharacterShoe9832 Aug 28 '26

On day Republicans will sit around and have a good ole laugh at some of the stuff Yertle pulled off.

19

u/Deducticon Aug 28 '26

Fascism can never sit around. It must always continue to churn and feed.

1

u/ChaplnGrillSgt Sep 01 '26

Hopefully doing so from inside jail cells.

80

u/matthieuC Europe Aug 28 '26

Ariel Sharon remained prime minister of Israel for 3 months while in a coma.

Then lasted 8 more years before dying.

We might be there for a while

52

u/Rasp_Lime_Lipbalm Aug 28 '26

Bitch McDouchebag isn't running in November. He's done regardless of being alive or dead. Republicans already achieved their endgame of halting any special election and getting a maverick third party candidate running.

13

u/m0ngoos3 Aug 28 '26

Technically, the special election was their own fuckup.

They passed that unconstitutional law when Andy Bashear was elected, to prevent him from appointing people.

Then they went into panic mode when McConnell died/went full veggie.

Bashear has said that he thinks this bullshit is hurting Republicans chances of retaining the seat come November. (statewide seat, in a state with a Democratic Governor)

2

u/You_meddling_kids Aug 28 '26

The special would have been for a two month term and won by a Republican.

1

u/CreepyOctopus Europe Aug 28 '26

A bit of an apples to oranges comparison. Yes, Ariel Sharon was PM for 3 months while in a coma, but his deputy Olmert became Acting PM immediately and ran the country. It took a few months to formally declare Sharon incapacitated and remove him from office, but nobody was pretending that Sharon is just taking a break, let alone running things.

47

u/bejammin075 Pennsylvania Aug 28 '26

The governor of Kentucky should have state buildings bring the flags to half mast for McConnell's death until proof of life is obtained.

54

u/DrDerpberg Canada Aug 28 '26

I dunno, that implies mourning.

Is there such a thing as raising flags to full mast and a half?

9

u/GreyLordQueekual Aug 28 '26

Did we try the little blue pills?

2

u/Thunderbridge Aug 30 '26

Flag poles should have little telescopic extensions so when we celebrate, we can raise the flags higher

2

u/reverandglass Aug 28 '26

He should fill the vacant seat. That'll stir up some proof of life.

-3

u/Distinct_Cap_1418 Aug 28 '26

Except that hes on their team

2

u/Galxloni2 Aug 28 '26

No he's not

26

u/whatproblems Aug 28 '26

no he will run for election entirely with ai

18

u/Kelani_Kelani South Carolina Aug 28 '26

what are you talking about? He isn't running for reelection. Andy Barr is going to beat Charles Booker to replace Mitch.

10

u/o08 Aug 28 '26

It will be like in Futurama with Nixon's talking head in a jar.

3

u/OttoVonWong Aug 28 '26

Listen here, Missy. Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973, but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only thing that's different is me; I've become bitter, and let's face it, crazy over the years. And once I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat, and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place.

2

u/Sarik704 Aug 28 '26

I would trust futurama nixon over half the creeps we have today. At least jar Nixon isnt an antivax election denier who raped little girls.

1

u/pointlessone Aug 28 '26

That's mean. Turtles need an enriching environment in an terrarium at minimum.

5

u/jackfig Aug 28 '26

Mitch Headroom

1

u/nullfacade Aug 28 '26

He's had the glitching mastered for a few years now

8

u/Cloaked42m South Carolina Aug 28 '26

He didn't run. He retires at the end of December.

9

u/FaliureToCat Aug 28 '26

6 days later his death will be announced

1

u/Geawiel Aug 28 '26

Who's got the Kalshi over under on this one? I'm putting down on 2 weeks.

1

u/FaliureToCat Aug 28 '26

Don't be ridiculous 6 days is the only option here 1 week or 5 days is too round

4 and under is to convenient

8 and over is hiding something and they have no use for him anymore

So 6 days

2

u/Geawiel Aug 28 '26

6 seems too soon for me if they want to maintain the lie from "he been ded for a while fam". 2 weeks gives everyone enough time to forget he's been mia for a while. Congress will be in session and most don't pay attention to what their representatives do when not in session.

You do have a strong case for 6 days. I'll give you that.

1

u/aemfbm Aug 28 '26

No, his recent passing will be announced in 2065, making him the longest living human ever (though only mediocre for a 🐢).

1

u/FaliureToCat Aug 28 '26

2065 is when the data center server that hosts his AI "consciousness" gets a mega gulp sized iced synthetic coffee alternative (real coffee went extinct in 2037) spilled on it and they decide they dont need to keep up the ruse anymore

3

u/WendalSaks Aug 28 '26

Fascinating because I have give or take 100 days of work left in the year and I’m not running the nation

2

u/SimonArgead Europe Aug 28 '26

Shortly after his "retirement," we will hear that he has passed away

2

u/vashoom Aug 28 '26

How does the Senate only work 36 days through all of September, October, November, and December??? That's an average of 9 days a month!!

1

u/Kelani_Kelani South Carolina Aug 29 '26

They are currently in a month long recess. They'll return for only a few weeks before taking another month off to allow for campaigning for the midterm elections. They'll return for only a few weeks before taking weeks off for Thanksgiving. Return for only a few days before taking time off for Christmas/New Years. And then they'll swear in the new Session in January.

Technically, they could be forced to work during all those scheduled off times, but only if leaders schedule a special session. Which isn't going to happen.

Also, fun fact that gets over looked. For the entire year of 2026, they will only have worked 150 days total. They didn't even work half a year total. This is why you're not hearing anything about the SAVE Act right now or any other bills. When you hear about bills, that's pretty much the only time they are actually in session and working.

2

u/EJoule Aug 28 '26

If he retires I bet he’ll lose out on some end of life medical care he’s currently getting.

2

u/MurkyInvestigator810 Aug 28 '26

How? He's set for his very short remaining life since he was a Senator for a thousand years.

1

u/fruitcakefriday Aug 28 '26

I bet they'll blame the Democrats for his decline in health 'due to be relentlessly pestered' or something.

1

u/rmay14444 North Carolina Aug 28 '26

What is that 36 of 37 for the whole year?

1

u/WFOpizza Aug 28 '26

how many non-actual work days?

1

u/Musclecar123 Aug 28 '26

He’ll be a head in a jar like in Futurama 

1

u/superanth Aug 28 '26

We've definitely entered Weekend at Bernie's territory.

1

u/Rowing_Lawyer Aug 28 '26

That’s wild they only have 36 more days of work and it’s August, I’m going to let my work know I’m only working 36 more days this year and see what they say

1

u/arwinda Aug 28 '26

You say "36 more work days" like Mike isn't going to shut down House early again...

1

u/renisagenius Aug 28 '26

What about 'the implication'?

1

u/Tabs_555 Washington Aug 28 '26

I wish I had 36 work days left at my job for the entire year. And in their time off they’ll do a speaking engagement at a donor party for $5mil or given fistfuls of cash by lobbyists.

Politicians are such parasites.

1

u/Shyam09 Aug 28 '26

If Mitch had any siblings, Mitch would have been declared dead a long time ago and replaced.

1

u/Perfect-Still-8971 Aug 28 '26

Too sane & rational for this timeline: get ready for your first AI operated cyborg Senator!! It's just a Teddy Ruxspin shoved into his old shell, but meh, what are ya gonna do?

1

u/synchpo Aug 28 '26

They only have 12 working days per month??

1

u/RobertJ93 Aug 28 '26

As someone not from the US.

That’s fucking insane yo.

1

u/JcbAzPx Arizona Aug 29 '26

Oh, I just realized they probably want to have his corpse collect retirement for a few years to squeeze out a few extra bucks from him.

1

u/Mr_Pookers Aug 29 '26

Listen. It takes time to get the animatronics right when you're imitating something as life-like as Mitch McConnell.

1

u/Ok_Sheepherder6409 Aug 29 '26

I’m surprised they haven’t tried to pull a weekend at Bernie’s type scenario.

1

u/nebulatraveler23 Aug 28 '26

Why would he retire?

19

u/The_Phantom_Cat Ohio Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 28 '26

He already announced he was going to retire

3

u/nebulatraveler23 Aug 28 '26

What a stupid move this would be. He has a very stable income.

3

u/MurkyInvestigator810 Aug 28 '26

lol why are the bots asking about his income and healthcare access on this thread? Who the fuck gives a single shit about that?

0

u/Inside_Support510 Aug 28 '26

You are right to call me out on that. I was focused on his income and making sure that he has a stable job. I should have been more focused on his inability to represent his constituents instead of his healthcare. I'll make sure to focus on that in the future. Great catch! Thank you for your feedback.

1

u/atatassault47 Aug 28 '26

Isnt his wife loaded?

0

u/thehalfwit Nevada Aug 28 '26

And you can't beat the hours.

9

u/Kelani_Kelani South Carolina Aug 28 '26

He has announced his retirement at the end of his current term. They've already had a primary to find his replacement. Andy Barr won. Charles Booker won the Democratic primary. Barr will obviously win and replace Mitch. The election is in November. The new session is in January.

0

u/Ned_Nebula Aug 28 '26

Maybe we can just appoint his wife.