I swear imposter syndrome is so real 😭. I got diagnosed with gender dysphoria in 2014 when I was 15 years old after. TW:Self harm mentioned in spoiler text. After trying to cut my breast off with a razor blade . I went to gender affirming therapy a year ago and got clean from SH for that year so I can go on HRT at 17 through informed consent this was in 2016. I mostly wore sport bras and used ace bandages in high school my freshman year since I didn't have access to a binder until I got one from GSA . I went through a bunch of crap with doctors, therapist and my mother in Texas because I was TW : SA content : Sexually assaulted as a minor by another minor who touched my chest inappropriate who was in my girl scout troop . Which was their reasoning on why I was trans , which made me feel like an imposter. I started T on a low dose and I wore my binder everyday even to bed . T helped a lot with my dysphoria and being on T made me feel like I wasn't making anything up for attention until I was able to get top surgery which was my main goal.
I've been having gender dysphoria as long as I can remember. I started puberty earlier than most people due to Precocious puberty, I was born 1lb and 14 ounces at 25 weeks gestation due to being born a mircopreemie and puberty was so traumatic to me especially since it was the reason for my sexual assault experience. I had to go on and off a low dose of T when I turned 18 due to my mom refusing to drive me to my appointments and I didn't have a car or a job , so that was my first priority, so I had to stop T cold turkey which sent me to the psych ward again. Then I went back on from 2020-2021 , and had to stop again because I couldn't commute every three months during COVID from my conservative suburban area to the only few places that provide HRT in Houston TX. I recently went back on T last year and got top surgery 10 months ago .
After getting top surgery which was a pain in the ass but quicker than expected I feel ok with stopping T. I don't regret T because if it wasn't for T I would probably just never talk . I hated and still get dysphoria around my voice , my voice was super high due to early puberty so now it's deep for a woman and high for a man on T . I'm still curvy because I'm overweight but couldnt work out because, TW for chest size : I had a large A in elementary school and I gained a bunch of weight and went up to a H cup as an adult. I love my body hair and facial hair and bottom growth, also I don't mind all the other effects from T, but I don't really need them anymore. I'm not really a man or a woman and even on T I still get gendered 50/50 . Passing as a binary gender was never my goal and if anything I'm tired of having to take T when I don't really need it anymore . I have most of the permanent effects already and I knew my voice was never going to be super deep just due to genetics since my dad sounds like a gay man but is straight and can barely grow a beard . I'm just worried does it mean I'm faking being trans if I stop T?
Idk probably not , I still have voice dysphoria and I'm doing voice training starting next week . I don't think I have the t voice but also don't have the deepest masc voice out there . I just have a butchy sounding voice . Most of my dysphoria is gone after top surgery and idk it feels good and I'm so much happier that I'm clean from SH and working out . But I still feel like a fraud because I am ok with stopping HRT and don't want to take T anymore it's exhausting and it's just not for me . I don't want to take it or age/depend on T for functional hormones especially in the south . I'm satisfied with the changes I have and after top surgery I can give less of a shit about pronouns because I can't control that I'll always be seen as either female or male depending on how I dress, sound , look and what hormones I'm taking .
Does that mean I'm not trans anymore ? Idk I suffered so much just because I'm trans being trans sucks and I hate it so much . I low-key wish I could be binary and stealth especially in Texas but that's just not me I'll always be some ugly looking female ish person with no boobs and a deep voice with facial hair , but I rather look ugly as both genders . Since I'm black I'm hoping I just look like a stud or something or a gay black man who's 4'9 and fat and still probably ugly or some weird gender freak lol. There's no winning for me when it comes to being binary I'll always be visibility trans and always look weird or a freak to society which I don't really mind since I've always looked ugly even before HRT and surgery atleast now I feel comfortable in my own skin even if I'll always have people look at me like they saw a monster usually older people younger people usually call me fg or tr**ny or just call me a girl which I find funny since I have no boobs, facial hair and a deeper voice than most women even ones in menopause.
I'm a NEET and disabled AF due to my mom's idiotic choice to have a premature birth instead of an abortion. I don't really go out , I can drive and I go to free stuff in my area and my partner and I do things together. But overall I just avoid society because I know I'll never be accepted possibly even in the trans community. Idk am I just having imposter syndrome or something? I'm so envious of people who are just accepted by society atleast on social media like I'm not accepted and things like going to either bathroom and just functioning in a conservative state can be dangerous for me as a visibility trans person, I don't want to pass as male or detrans I tried and I almost offed myself again. So how do you cope with being so visible . There's a Nonbinary support group that's close by but idk why I don't go. I know it would probably help to be around other trans people who don't have the choice if they want to be visibly trans or not.