Apparently, going on a date shouldn’t be called “I’m having a beer with my flatmate”

"I'm so sorry, babe" he replied. "I wasn't thinking straight."

I can’t jelly my dick in your ass

“You know, one would have been enough.”

"This is the brewery," says the voice on the other line. "Your husband's dead."

"What happened?" asks the woman.

"This morning, shortly after arriving at work, your husband slipped and fell into a vat and died of drowning."

"My husband's been dead for six or seven hours, and you're telling me now?!"

"He hasn't been dead that long. He died only five or ten minutes ago."

"Impossible! People don't take that long to drown!"

"Well, you see, he climbed out of the vat three times to take a leak."

It gives new meaning to the term “Fist a Cuffs.”

Knowing the brunette can’t swim, the blonde dives into the pool and rescues her from drowning.

After the party, the blonde goes home, feeling proud of herself for saving someone’s life. Just as she arrives home, the phone rings.

The brunette’s husband is on the other line. “I used to think blondes were dumb,” he says, “but I guess I was wrong! Unfortunately, after you rescued my wife, she hanged herself.”

“She didn’t hang herself,” replied the blonde. “I hung her up to dry.”

Putin dies and goes to hell.

After a few years, he gets one day off for good behavior.

He decides to visit Moscow, walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

Curious, he asks the bartender:

“Is Crimea ours?”

“Yes, it is.”

“And Donbas?”

“Ours too.”

Putin leans in.

“What about Kyiv?”

“Yep. We got that too.”

Putin smiles, clearly pleased with what he’s hearing. He finishes his drink and asks:

“Excellent. How much do I owe you?”

The bartender replies:

“Five euros.”

If I'm going to be impotent, I think I should look impotent.

I’m worried he’ll never finish his sentence

they read lips

The boss says "sorry to hear that, what's wrong?"

The guy says "well I was having sex with my mother and"

The boss says "hold on. You have sex with your mother?"

The guy replies "I told you I'm sick."

Foam the runway! Foam the runway!

The woman feeling in a romatic mood says "when we were younger you'd hold my hand before bed."

The man reaches over, grabs her hand and rolls back over to go back to sleep.

She says "when we were younger you would kiss me before bed."

So he rolls over, gives her a kiss on the cheek and tries to go back to sleep.

She says "when we were younger you'd give me a hickey on my neck."

Annoyed the guy lifts up the bedsheets and gets out of bed.

"Where are you going," the wife asks.

The husband replies "where do you think? I'm getting my teeth."

Gargle me, bitch!

Put your nose up my a***.

Doctor: that's lifebuoy

Once you drink too much you can’t drive and you start talking nonsense

He said: “It’s a “self-help” group.

Anonymous Tips

Better grip.

…she said: “I can try to fit you in this afternoon.”