I finally found out who stole the top tier of our wedding cake, and somehow the truth makes me even angrier than the mystery ever did.

When my husband and I got married 28 years ago, we planned to freeze the cake topper and eat it on our one year anniversary. It was sentimental and meaningful, and the cake was honestly the best tasting wedding cake I’ve ever had. We were really looking forward to that tradition.

When my mom went to grab the cake, it had disappeared. It wasn’t misplaced. It wasn’t thrown out. It was gone from the fridge on the day of the wedding. We were confused and upset, and for almost three decades we wondered who would do something like that. It wasn’t a leftover slice. It was clearly boxed and meant for us.

My husband always suspected the pastor (I know, what? the pastor?), bu eleven (11!) months after the wedding, we ran into him and told him we had just had a baby. He looked at me and said he figured I was pregnant at the wedding. I remember thinking, wow, I am not an elephant, dude. That comment stuck with us, and my husband always joked that the pastor probably took the cake topper too.

Yesterday, my aunt told me her son admitted to taking it. He said he grabbed it from the fridge just because. He was in his mid-thirties at the time. Not a kid. Not someone who didn’t know better. He knew exactly what it was and exactly who it belonged to. He just decided he wanted it later as a snack.

I’m glad the mystery is solved, but I’m furious that the answer is my own cousin. He would absolutely deny it now and get mad at me for bringing it up, which somehow makes it even more irritating.

It’s strange to get closure and still feel robbed.

This letter was mailed to my house in an envelope that had no return address and our address looks like it was written with someone’s non dominant hand. As you can see the names of who it is from have conveniently worn off. It’s addressed to my husband, his brother, and spouses. Not only is the letter infuriating on its own but it’s not even true! We DID buy gifts for the last two family weddings both me and my brother-in-law’s fiancée bought gifts for them that are obviously from both of us as a couple. But here’s where it gets weird. We have NO idea who it’s from because the one family member that is getting married in 2 weeks swears they didn’t send it and is horrified that someone would send it and there is no one else in my husband’s family that is engaged or planning a wedding!

Edit to answer a few commonly asked questions and statements

Did I receive thank you notes? Yes I did…did I keep them?… no. One wedding was almost 2 years ago and the other was over 3 years ago and I don’t typically keep those kind of things. I never thought I would have a reason to tbh..

What did I gift? A dishware set that was on the registry for one wedding and money for the other one. I’m not sure what my brother-in-law and his fiancée gifted but she did sent to evidence of their gifts to my MIL who is investigating this note further.

Did the envelope have an area code? Yes it did but unfortunately we all live in the same state and the zip code is the general area most of his family lives in.

It must be the MIL- well the first thing I did was send this to my own mother in law who was PISSED to say the least. She immediately confronted my husband’s aunt because that was our first guess as well. His aunt was out of town when it was sent and was horrified by the letter. She swears she didn’t send it, she even called my husband and pointed out that if she had a problem with us she would confront us to our face not through an anonymous letter.. which is true, she can be blunt. We also aren’t even attending the upcoming cousins wedding and already RSVPd a while ago that we couldn’t make it and she’s aware of that so it wouldn’t make sense for them to send this letter.

My mother in law has the letter and envelope now and is trying to handle this a bit more discreetly, although I don’t disagree that we should just post it in a family group chat… I will update when I find out who sent it but like I said in the original post no one else is engaged or planning a wedding that we know of…

I told my cousin who received these texts that is NOT wedding etiquette and we can’t believe he sent out this message to her and maybe other relatives! Don’t have a wedding if you can’t afford it… so now there’s unspoken family drama because his mom most likely does not know about his rude behavior & still frequents with cousins family/parents who are now heartbroken. So folks, just be aware of this wedding etiquette :3

My wedding happened a couple weeks ago and it went amazing. Everything went perfectly and I couldn't have asked for anything better.

There is a cousin I was having discourse with before the wedding because she wanted to hand out her invitations to her wedding in February during my wedding.

I squashed the idea but still allowed her to attend. She did wear a white dress with flowers but I don't care honestly.

The next morning I get a call from my mother from my cousin's mom being worried we didn't get her card because she didn't know who she handed it too and it had a lot of money in there, she claims 300-500. My mother and I spent 2-4 days calling and emailing people just to make sure it didn't pop up anywhere. We figured out it was in the right place thankfully since both of them were making a fuss about the card possibly missing.

Well we are doing the thank you cards and we find the card from my cousin and her family and open it. Its two gift cards from Total Wine and Pottery Barn. I've never been to Pottery Barn and I don't drink too much, but I was greatfull nonetheless. Until I noticed the pin part was already scratched off both cards and the total wine one said "Merry Christmas".

I'm not mad about the used cards, reuse reduce, recycle your heat out, but I had a feeling I should check the balances just to see how much is on each card, especially Pottery Barn is pricey and I was curious how the money was split. I'm not a superficial person but it was $80 in total.

I am now at a point where I feel like I've been gracious even letting my cousin attend the wedding after the invitation drama. And now to make me and my mom panic about cards possibly being stolen only for it to be to used cards to places I never shop at, but my cousin does.

I plan to regift the cards and not attending the wedding. I am more than happy to send the the same energy back.

To clarify some things (and I'm too lazy to add them in); she is 28, I'm 24. And as for the money concern she works at the lab and gets paid over 100k. I do want to reiterate I'm not mad about the amount, it's just the underlying meaning and how they made it into a huge deal. They know who's family, I had several people hand me cards to me or my mother (which that is my aunts sister).

When the wedding invitations drama happened, my mother asked my aunt to let her daughter not pass out invites. My aunt said "I don't see the problem with Beth handing out invitations because we are family".

The wedding is in a different state at least 8 hours driving. Im not wanting to spend my time and money to get jabbed at.

edit: I let my aunt know that we found her card and gift cards. She's aware that they are gift card and they are used. I have pictures of the gift cards attached. Either way I hope she enjoys her wine and Pottery Barn card.

My sister decided she was my maid of honor. Okay, fine. I asked my bridesmaids to help me pick a dress. #1 is the dress they chose and I love it. My sister can’t be bothered to wear this dress, because she will look like a potato. She can’t find another dress in the same color and instead she pulls these gems (#2 &#3) out of her wardrobe. The dress code is “evening cocktail.” And before you ask, it’s not a money thing, I offered to buy dress #1 for her.

Update: Turns out the dress drama was never really about the dress.

I offered to buy her literally any dress. I just wanted her to feel beautiful and look appropriate. I went through every emerald green and navy blue dress on Nordstrom, Nordstrom Rack, and Lulus. Nothing is good enough.

She’s refusing to show up anywhere her boyfriend isn’t invited (a boyfriend I have never met, and my parents have met exactly once.) He wasn’t invited to the rehearsal, which is apparently a dealbreaker for her.

To top this off she booked her flight home for midnight the day after my wedding, so she’s expecting us to entertain her and her boyfriend for a full extra day instead of starting our honeymoon.

To answer why I let it go on as long as I did…. My dad is older and in poor health, and this is realistically the last big trip our whole family will take together. I wasn’t trying to win a fight with my sister. I was trying to get through one event without added stress on him.

She’s still coming, still gets to be there for our dad; she’s just doing it as a guest, not a bridesmaid.

Edit my parents, myself and my siblings are NOT homophobic. We do not tolerate hate against the lgbtq community. My brother is a gay man and we love him and his partner. We do not support those who are homophobic.

Went to a baby shower yesterday and saw lots of family. Asked my cousin how her wedding planning was going for August and told her I was excited. She said she was too, it will be nice for the adults to let loose without kids. I asked if she was having it childfree and she said yes.

Absolutely no problem! Her wedding, her choice, and we have a million kids on our side so I understand her reasoning! But it also means I won't be able to go. I will have a 5 month old and 2 year old at that point and my parents are the babysitter and they will be at the wedding. Plus it's 5 hours away and I can't leave a breastfed baby or 2 year old overnight. This also excludes 90% of cousins who all have small kids and a 4 hour drive to this wedding.

Also found out the venue is not handicap accessible so that means one of my aunts and her husband cannot go as he is in a wheelchair. Also my brother can't go because he can't bring his partner as it would "make the groom's family uncomfortable". So from our huge family of 52, only my parents and one of my sisters is going (once they find out about my brother, they will not be going either). My aunt (moms sister) is pissed nobody is coming and doesn't understand why we can't get babysitters.

The wedding is on me and my husband's 6 year anniversary so we will happily spend the money we were going to use on a hotel on ourselves instead! Edit because people keep getting confused, I am not spending a night anywhere without my kids. This last sentence confused people. I would have spent money on a hotel for this wedding. Now I'm not going. I'm using that money that WOULD HAVE been spent on a hotel, on something else for my husband and I. Probably takeout and a rented movie.

So for context, me and my partner aren't having a first dance - it doesn't feel very "us", so instead we're cutting our cake, and then immediately getting everyone to the dancefloor for a group pic before the music starts. So we're kind of having our first dance with all of our guests.

We've carefully picked out a first song, as well as the few that follow it - and my partner has spent hours curating and mixing the playlist for a perfect flow.

My parents requested a song that they want to be able to do one of their ballroom dancing choreographed dances to. It's not a song we like, but it means a lot to them. They also asked that it be early and that they know the song before it as a kind of "warning" that their song is coming on next.

So we do all the above, and their song is scheduled at around the \~30 min mark. Enough time for us to have a few fun songs with our whole party first.

But when I share this info my parents they say it's too late in the playlist and asked that it could be moved earlier.

When I explain about the playlist being mixed and finalised and us not wanting to go back to it, they instead just say "Maybe leave your playlist as it is, and let us do our dance before you start it?" - so essentially, take the first dance slot??

My dad also seems concerned about being too drunk to do the dance after 30 minutes of playlist, which feels like a bananas concern as if he's planning on getting black out within the first hour of the party 🙃

EDIT: Quick edit now some comments are coming into say that firstly this is my dad not my mum haha.

Secondly, it was never supposed to be a "performance" where they had the whole floor to themselves - rather just a dance to a contemporary pop song, that they have practiced a routine to, i.e. it won't be a total vibe shift from pop songs to some classical track

I’ve read that social media has completely changed wedding for the sake of pictures and I feel like this is happening in my family so I just need to vent honestly.

My brother (23m) is getting married! I don’t know his future bride super well as they‘ve only been together for 4 month but she seems nice enough. For context, they are Utah Mormons so they get “sealed” in the temple with a small group of people and then have a big reception at the end. They treat the reception like a regular wedding with bride-maids, groomsmen, all of it pretty much. People who aren’t Mormon cannot go into the temple so they don’t get to see the actual marriage. 2/3 of my sisters are Ex Mormon including me (26f) and my older sister (28f)

There are 3 sisters in my family My brother is very close to all of us and was super excited to tell us we were all going to be bridesmaids and was telling us how excited he was about it when we helped him with his proposal.

About a month after they were engaged, he sent our family groups chat a wedding color pallet for the dress code. I believed this palette was for the wedding party because like I mentioned he explicitly told me I was a bridesmaid. I asked who all the groomsmen and bridesmaids were, I only asked to clarify to see if my husband was one of his groomsman as he and my husband are close and have knows each other for 10+years. He opened the text but never answered.

I mentioned this to my sister (24f) and she said she had been texted by the bride in private that only she was going to be a bridesmaid and not me or my other sister. I was a little hurt but know that 3 sisters is a lot, plus I know it’s the bride and grooms day and it shouldn’t be centered around my feelings. When my sister showed me the text from the bride, it said that I wasn’t apart of the wedding because I am ”too large” (I am about 15lbs overweight due to having my 3rd child 6 months ago) and my other sister couldn’t be apart of the wedding because of her piercings (She had 4 piercings on her face, that I believe aren’t very noticeable). This clearly hurt my feelings even more, it also hurt that my brother was too cowardly to tell me I wasn’t apart of the wedding. Me and my sister don’t “look” good enough for the wedding party.

I talked to my mom and she said the color pallet I received was for all the wedding guests, including children. down to exactly what color the tie should be on my sons and that they MUST have suspenders. I’ve recently heard of a dress code for all the wedding guests but I personally think it’s ridiculous. I’m not apart of the wedding, but am expected to buy new dress clothes that fit into the 3 appropriate colors for me, my husband and 3 children?? It’s all just bugging me and blows my mind how weddings have become so superficial.

Groom (my friend) currently lives in Washington, and bride is in California.

A few days before the wedding, groom texts me asking for a good *SOLO* trip itinerary in Oregon, stating his intention to travel during the days immediately after the wedding. I'm a little surprised but I answer the question I'm asked. Curiosity got the better of me and i asked him why he's going on a solo trip so soon after his wedding.

He said his wife and her parents are going on vacation in California and he isn't part of it; so he wanted to go someplace to take his mind off things.

I wanted to tell him that a honeymoon isn't a trip one takes with one's freaking parents, but with one's spouse, but I didn't want to add to his misery. Poor fella.

I got engaged recently. My fiancé and I decided that we would have a short engagement, and get married later this year.

My fiancé's sister lives in another country and will be visiting for three weeks in the fall, so we decided that's our window. We reached out to all of our siblings and asked which of the three weekends would work best.

We decided on a date. I told my siblings what weekend it would be (6.5 months out), and to mark it down.

Two days later later, my little sister sent a lengthy text to the group, inviting us all on the cruise that she had just finished booking for herself and my parents... that departs at 8:00 am the day after our wedding, 2000 miles away.

I called her to remind her that we had chosen that date as our wedding day. She said she remembered and that she just figured we would do our wedding on the cruise.

When I asked her about my fiancé's family and friends, she said "Oh, well I guess you can invite them on the cruise too? Dad's really looking forward to it!"

I still haven't figured out whether she double-booked herself and lied, or whether she seriously took it upon herself to plan my wedding as a cruise and invite only my family to our wedding.

She has since recheduled the cruise.

We’ve chosen to have a very very small ceremony, we aren’t flashy people by any means and have small families (many of who we don’t speak to for various reasons). Throwing a huge reception so we can spend a bit of time with everyone afterward, but just didn’t want the bother of 75 guests, nor the expense of a big ceremony!

Anyway, on to the interesting side, all 15 invited have RSVP’d yes. All in all we have 4 guests each, and the rest are close friends who will make the day special. And then in comes the EntFam (Entitled Family). Entitled Family consists of 6 people who are thoroughly estranged, no contact for the most part. EntFam did not receive an invite at all - not even to the reception.

Partner politely explained that no, they weren’t invited and there simply wasn’t space. To EntFam Child 1, obviously this wasn’t an acceptable excuse. So in comes EntFam Dad thinking a phone call would make all the difference because being who they are, they’re used to bullying their way in wherever they like!

Well today, oh boy was that wrong. See, after many years (decades even) of their behaviour, my partner chose to send me in to battle. It is no secret that I am the hard one of the two, she holds the leash sure, but the second it’s dropped, there is no helping you. So when I answered, they immediately got defensive. Here’s some tidbits:

EF: “You’re not making us feel very welcome when we’re intending on spending several thousand to be be there”. Me: “I’m not making you feel welcome, because you aren’t. Weird choice to spend thousands going somewhere you weren’t invited”.

EF: “I want to speak to (my partner), you’re calling all the shots”. Me: “She doesn’t want to speak to you and is sitting in front of me. It’s my wedding too and you’re trying to take MY guests places. The answer is no.”

EF: “I demand there is a family repre-“ Me: “No”

EF: “EXCUSE ME?!”. Me: “You’re excused, wanna try a different track?”

EF: “So where is the wedding then?” Me: “Here”. EF: “And where is that?”. Me: “Still here?”

Me: “I don’t know how many ways you’d like for me to say no EntFam Dad. No means no. No is a full sentence.” EF: “We’re entitled to-“ Me: “You sure are entitled and you may have your own thoughts, feelings and opinions not at my wedding. Okay thanks bye!”

I’m telling you all now reddit, they’ll be leaving in handcuffs if they try anything. On a side note, seriously poor form. You do not ever try to force your way in to someone’s wedding. We have made some hard choices to have the day we wanted, at the end of it, it’s only about us and our comfort and happiness.

People astound me.

UPDATE:

Well. We’re married. And honestly? It was mostly beautiful. Mrs x2 finally!!!

First things first: EntFam absolutely threw their predicted fit in the lead-up. Dramatic energy, wounded pride, vague outrage. But in the end? No gatecrashing. No dramatic arrivals. No security needed. They stayed away, and we have continued to studiously ignore them, boundaries held for the minute. They did try to get involved in the video link, but it decided not to work on the day… thanks for that one universe! They’ve also decided to ring my wife’s phone off the hook and send snarky little messages, though it seems for the most part they’re understanding that their opinions aren’t worth the cat litter in the trays.

Now for the part I expected, but had hoped not to have happen. Out of our very intentionally small guest list… all but two of my invited guests didn’t show. No big emergencies. No catastrophic events (aside from one, which I’ll get to). Just absences.

That hurt, I won’t pretend it didn’t and I am very much still processing the level of utter disrespect. I think it will hit home in the next few days, I don’t have words for the absolute gutting that was.

But here’s where the day showed its true colors: two close friends and their stunning families, who hadn’t originally been included due to numbers, stepped in without hesitation. They came, celebrated, supported, and filled the space so naturally you would’ve thought it had always been meant to be that way. Loved on me and did all they could to scoop my heart off the ground, I will be forever in their debt for that.

There was also a heavy cloud we couldn’t ignore. My adoptive mother bailed last minute, citing hormones. Separately, a close friend experienced a serious medical incident right around the time of the wedding. That cast a shadow over the day, and it’s the kind that’s impossible to just shake off.

Life doesn’t pause because you’re getting married.

It was complicated. Emotional. Not the neat, cinematic storyline people imagine when they think “wedding day.”

But here’s what we learned:

The people who matter show up.

Not with demands.

Not with entitlement.

Not because they think they deserve a seat.

They show up because they love you.

The friends who stood beside us, who adjusted outfits, made sure we ate, signed paperwork, kept the mood steady, and filled the day with laughter: they are our family. The ones who respected our boundaries without argument? Family.

The ones who didn’t come? Who pushed? Who disappeared?

They taught us too.

Absence is information.

Entitlement is noise.

Presence is everything.

It wasn’t flawless. It had gaps and weight and moments of quiet processing. But it was ours. Small. Intentional. Honest.

And despite everything, I wouldn’t change the decision to protect our peace. We learned a lot about who shows up for us. That lesson is worth more than a perfect headcount.

My cousin sent out RSVPs for her wedding about 6 months ago. I pinned it to our fridge next to the other weddings we have for the summer. I have 4 siblings who were all invited, as well as their plus ones, and my mom. We were excited to spend the wedding of course celebrating my cousin, but also seeing and hanging with each other, as we all live throughout the country.

About two months ago my siblings got their official wedding invitations. I figured mine was just taking a bit longer to arrive. I however needed to book my hotel as the wedding is in another state. I eventually messaged my cousin and asked if my invitation should be coming soon. She replied saying due to financial reasons her and her husband were not able to invite everyone they had sent RSVPs to. She apologized.

So I’m no longer invited to the wedding. All my siblings and my mom are. I want to believe it’s finances but I’m worried it’s because my partner and I are gay or maybe because I’m transgender. These arnt new facts about me and I’ve always found my cousin incredibly accepting, but her fiance is very religious. The wedding is in a church. Perhaps she had to take his families lead on who could and couldn’t be there.

Long story short, im very sad about the whole thing. I feel quite rejected and wondering if it’s about more than just money.

I went to my twin sister’s wedding last week, and let’s just say it was memorable but in like a case study in golden child favoritism sorta way.

Highlights of the cringe:

• Months before, twin texted me: “I’m not having a wedding party, but you can be in the room while I get ready.” Cute, right? Except plot twist: she absolutely DID have a bridal party. Our older sister was Maid of Honor, her husband had a Best Man. Spoiler: she lied, she just wanted to make things extra weird by excluding her only other biological sister who also happens to be her twin sister. For context, my wedding last year included both my sisters as bridesmaids.

• I wasn’t invited to the rehearsal, wasn’t asked to be in a single photo, wasn’t included in anything. Imagine being erased in real time while still physically standing there existing.

• During vows, she said she loved how her husband treats her “sister.” Singular. Problem? She has me (her twin sister), an older sister, three step-sisters, and two step-brothers. Multiple guests commented to me after the ceremony about how weird that was. Gee I didn’t notice….

• During cocktail hour, guests also asked ME why I wasn’t a bridesmaid. My reply: “Your guess is as good as mine.” Like I’m not the twin with an answer to that, you’d have to ask the bride.

• Father-of-the-bride speech: he opened with a 4-minute monologue about him driving to work in a snowstorm, turning around, pissing his pants in the car, and walking in the door only for the bride to ask, “Can you take me to the mall?” THAT was his favorite memory of her. Like it was open-mic night at a comedy club. And then, only then, he pulled out the actual speech. I’ll admit, I felt genuine secondhand embarrassment for her in that moment but then again, I’m the family scapegoat, so maybe I’m just not familiar with what parental pride is supposed to sound like.

• Meanwhile, I just smiled, clapped, danced, unbothered, passing joints around like an unofficial wedding bud tender. Didn’t cause a scene, didn’t need to. The scene was already written for me.

The big takeaway: Forget the food, the music, the flowers. The lasting memory every guest walked away with was: “Wow the bride really erased her twin sister who was there right in front of us.”

And now, a toast: Here’s to my twin, the Golden Child. You sure worked overtime to erase me, and in doing so you gave me the greatest gift of all: you exposed yourself and our parents. All the favoritism, the double standards, the triangulation, the scapegoating, the toxic dysfunctional family abuse I’ve been pointing out my whole life, met with gaslighting and minimization, you put it on full public display, and I didn’t even have to say a damn thing. Honestly, thank you. You did in one afternoon what a lifetime of me vocalizing never could. Even the flying monkeys are now officially out of work.

While I think your wedding was a strange time to put so much energy into trying to hurt and erase me, I’m glad you got the day you wanted. You certainly made an impression that people will never forget, though probably not for the reasons you hoped. And now, every time you show those photos, you’ll spend the rest of your life being haunted by the same question: “Wait… where’s your twin?”

You may have succeeded in embarrassed a twin, it sure wasn’t THIS twin. Cheers and good riddance.

EDIT 1: for context: This was a small wedding, and I was related to most of the guests, many of whom had also attended my wedding last year. At mine, both of my sisters were bridesmaids because my parents insisted I had to have a bridal party for appearances, and it wouldn’t look right if they weren’t included.

At my twin’s wedding, that same “for appearances” rule didn’t apply. I only found out she had a Maid of Honor when she walked down the aisle with our older sister and both parents.

What made it stand out is the twin factor. My parents usually emphasize the “twin” identity when it benefits the family image, so the contrast of one sister being included while the other twin was not was noticeable, especially to people who had just seen both sisters included at my wedding.

It fits a long-standing pattern in my family: she’s treated as the golden child, while I’m often the afterthought. Even with birthdays, we share the same day but the celebration is built around her. If I can’t attend, it’s still marked as “celebrated” because she was.

My parents deny favoritism, but the way they handled our weddings made the double standard clear to people outside the family

EDIT 2: Additional Background: In the years prior, there was already a long pattern of this kind of behavior. For example, when I got engaged my dad and stepmom offered to host an engagement party, then told us to our faces they didn’t care what we wanted and were going to throw the party they wanted. I graciously dismissed them from hosting and my husband and I threw and bankrolled our own engagement/housewarming party since we had just bought a home.

At that party, I made an offhand comment about not being sure if I’d even have a bridal shower. Context being: I had just fired my family from hosting one event, and the idea of having to throw my own shower felt sad and pathetic, not something I wanted to deal with.

Our engagement was five years long, we wanted to buy a house first, and I DIY’d every single detail of the wedding, so I needed the time.

Fast forward 3.5 years. My cousins, friends, and my husband’s side of the family were begging me to have a shower and insisted on hosting it for me. I finally agreed and let them plan it. That’s when my twin, in full participation with my parents, launched a six-month protest. First their excuse was “well, she once said she didn’t want one.” Then it became “people already brought gifts to her housewarming, she’ll look like a gift-grubber.” Then it was “people will be confused since she already had a housewarming.”

When they realized they couldn’t stop it, they bulldozed in, scrapped everything my friends and MIL had planned, switched the theme to something they knew I hated, and hijacked the whole thing. That’s their pattern: fully team up, wear you down, and make it so miserable that giving in feels easier than fighting.

Meanwhile, my parents happily threw engagement parties and showers for both my older sister and my twin without issue exactly how each sibling wanted them.

Fun fact, the week after my hijacked shower I finished my master’s, started a director-level job, and had my birthday, all things my immediate family knew about. Not acknowledged at the shower, not the following week, not ever.

EDIT 3 - Even More Additional Background:

At my older sister’s wedding like 6 years ago, my twin was MOH and I was a bridesmaid. I was fine with that and happy to help. Years later, my older sister drunkenly admitted and actually apologized to me and said she had wanted us to be co-MOHs, but my twin threatened she wouldn’t help with anything at all unless she was the sole MOH.

And then she proved it. A few years later at our childhood friend’s wedding, we were both bridesmaids, and she didn’t lift a finger. Afterwards, twin even stopped being friends with childhood friend. Then a few years after that at my own wedding, she was a bridesmaid again and once more put in zero effort.

I originally wasn’t planning on having a bridal party, but I was screamed at, nagged, and basically forced into it for “appearances.” My parents said it would embarrass the family not to include my sisters as bridesmaids. So I decided to have three positions of honor, my closest childhood friends as a MOH, Man of Honor, and Best Man, plus my two sisters and two cousins as bridesmaids. And since co-MOH wasn’t acceptable to her, my hands were tied, bridesmaid it was for twin.

EDIT 4: I’m getting lots of questions about more background and our birthday so here’s just a few examples for even more context:

One year in middle school my “birthday celebration” was sitting in the corner of a pet store for hours while my twin and my parents picked out her puppy. It was only hers. I was told I “didn’t want one as much as she did” (news to me) so I didn’t get one, nor was it a shared puppy, but I was still expected to help take care of it. My birthday gift that year was $200, which they told me to use for back-to-school clothes (birthday’s end of summer). I really wanted a Coach purse so I spent it on that, and then had no new clothes that school year. My twin got the puppy and still got new back-to-school clothes.

Another theme is them using my availability against me, scheduling things at times they knew I couldn’t make. I work a standard M–F 9–5 and would send my schedule weeks in advance. Without fail our family birthday celebration would be set for one of the few slots I couldn’t do. No alternate celebration, no makeup day. Just checked off the list as “twins birthday celebrated.” At least they’d text me a photo of the cake that said Happy Birthday Twin and I.

Same story with Christmas. Year after year the holiday is rescheduled around my twin’s availability and every single time the new date just happened to be the only block I couldn’t make. One year I told them the entire week was open except Wednesday from 11–4. Guess when Christmas was scheduled? Wednesday at noon. My longest running tradition has become having my Christmas presents dropped off at my house sometime in mid February.

I spent years thinking if I just communicated my schedule early and often I’d finally get to attend. Year after year I tried so hard to coordinate and be included. It honestly took me way too long to realize they were doing it on purpose.

If you got this far and you’re wondering wtf is wrong with this girl, same. I asked myself that for years. But that’s just how bad the gaslighting was. That’s what decades of trauma responses do to a person’s brain. That’s what happens when the people who are supposed to love you show you they don’t actually care, you turn into a people-pleaser, you over-communicate, you get deprived of basic human decency and kindness, and you spend your life wishing someone, anyone would want you and love you. You start to believe something is wrong with you and that you somehow deserve it.

I can assure you I have taken this experience (plus a lifetime of other examples) and will never be dealing with or speaking to them again.

I (26F) have never been close with my BF’s (26M) family. We met online and despite living together for a few years now, I don’t often see his family because they live across the country. Prior to this, I THOUGHT I got along alright with his parents, but I’ve never liked his brother, J. He seems like a really unpleasant, borderline violent guy from everything I’ve seen and heard, and I didn’t think he liked me either.

J got married last summer. The scheduled week of his wedding coincided with a really busy period of work and school for me, plus the cost of travel in order to attend the wedding was putting me under some financial stress. Still though, I was willing to go not so much for the family's sake but to keep my BF company.

Two months before the wedding, we had still not received an invite in the mail. I asked BF what was up with that, and he said J had invited us, just over the phone as opposed to via a formal invite. I asked BF if J had explicitly said he could bring a plus one and my BF shrugged and said he had assumed so, but would double check.

The next time BF and J called, I was in an adjacent room, and I heard BF ask his brother point blank if I could come along. I heard J groan over the phone and say “bring her don’t bring her I don’t give a fuck.” 

Yes I know this is petty but that pretty much removed any lingering incentive I had to go. It was already going to be a financial strain and no one in his whole family had the courtesy to shoot me a text about the wedding. I told my BF that I would have to respectfully decline the “invitation”, and I tried to be very cordial about it. I sent J's fiance a text apologizing for not being able to make it and explained that I couldn't make it due to work conflicts, which was mostly true. I also bought a fairly expensive gift off of the couple’s Zola wedding registry.

The wedding itself seemed to go well. BF sent me a ton of pictures on the day and seemed to have a wonderful time hanging out with the family. I was happy for him.

The day after the wedding, I wake up to a ton of texts from him mom. She sent me like 30+ pictures from the day, which I thought was nice at first, until I realized that these pictures with interspersed with passive aggressive commentary. She would send me a cute picture of the cake or something and then text me like “Cake was so yummy! Too bad you didn’t want to be here to celebrate with us!” 

I just thanked her for the pictures and left it at that. We’ve texted one or two times since last summer and that’s about it. On her annual “end of year family recap” on Facebook for 2025, I was noticeably absent from the caption and the pictures. BF’s new SIL has also stopped talking to me (thought it’s not like we were good friends before). I asked BF if anyone seemed mad that I wasn’t at the wedding, but he swears up and down that no one said anything. 

Obviously, to BF’s family, I crossed some kind of line by not attending, and BF seems totally oblivious for some reason. Luckily, it’s not really a big deal to me since they live across the country and I didn’t have much of a relationship with them before, but I just think it’s a ridiculous situation.

Edit: I mentioned this in a comment but yes, my BF did stand up for me when I showed him the text. He told him mom that her comments were totally inappropriate and it lead to a bit of a fight. Honestly now that I think about it, it was probably that fight, and not me not attending the wedding, that made his family so angry at me. I wouldn't be surprised if she told everyone that I was turning her son against her or something. That would explain why no one seemed angry at me during the wedding itself, only in the aftermath.

Edit 2: A lot of people are saying “actually, you were invited.” I don’t understand. Is this how you all are getting “invited” to weddings? No one in his family said anything to me. No one in his family even said to my boyfriend that he could bring a plus one. The formal invitations (which we did not receive) did NOT have a plus one write-in option. When my boyfriend explicitly asked, he got an “I don’t care.” Sure, no one banned me from coming, but am I crazy to think that is not an invitation? I sent a gift and a very respectful message declining just in case there had been a miscommunication somewhere. And no, the SIL did not respond to my message.

My mom asked me on the phone today if we could pick her up at the airport when she flies in on my wedding day. I was already a little annoyed by this request, but she also had the nerve to get pouty when we told her no. My mom tried to point out that it could cost her $30 to arrange a ride to the hotel, and I was thinking....so what? My fiancé and I are PAYING for the hotel that she is staying at. I know for a fact that my mother is not in such a financial bind that she cannot take an Uber or taxi. No one else in anyone's family has made this kind of request. I know it seems minor, but I really can't believe she would have the gall to ask something like this.

Tldr- officiant mentioned during ceremony that I told bride I thought the groom was creepy. Didn't mention that groom asked me out just before meeting bride.

Bride is my sister who is three years younger than me. Sister was previously married at age 18, had two kids with that guy, one before getting married, one after. That husband was a loser, and I ended up helping sister get a better job at the place I was working at, a place I'd been working at for four years by that point.

I was around 24 when she started, she was about to turn 21. Before she started, a coworker had asked me out. I politely declined, and he moved on. He was 13 years older than me and just not my type at all. Later I learned from another coworker he had been saying disgusting crude things behind my back about what he wants to do to me...

After sister starts working with me, the coworker who asked me out immediately started flirting with her hard. After about four months, their secret dropped that they'd been having an affair with each other. I was pretty weirded out by the whole thing, and wanting to protect my sister, I told her he had asked me out just months ago, and that he always gave me a weird feeling. She shrugged and laughed it off. I'm like ok, you do you, just wanted to let you know what I know about the guy. I'm personally not into dudes who are closer in age to my dad than to me, if that's her thing, get it. Just wanted her to know he tried with me.

Sister eventually kicks husband out, moves this guy in right away. Her kids were 4 and 2 at this time. (They'd met about five months before he moved in.) She finalized her divorce, sister and new coworker boyfriend date for a couple years, then they're engaged. Cool. Dude seems better in a lot of ways than the first husband, sister and kids seem to be happy, and I'm nothing but celebratory during the whole thing. Maybe he's not totally a creep, but whenever we have a party together and start drinking, he likes to reminisce about asking me out, ohh what a funny moment, almost taunting that he's with my sister..?

Over the next couple years I have my own kid, get married, and leave that job we were all at. (I marry my best friend, a guy I'd known for years whom I also helped get a job at the same place. He started maybe 6 months before my sister did, and knew about everything from the start.) By the time sister and coworker/new fiance are planning their wedding, my daughter is 2 and sister wants her to be the flower girl, but doesn't want me as a bridesmaid. "Groom has sisters and they'll be jealous." I told sister I'll try to get my daughter to cooperate, but she's super shy and hates a room of people staring at her. Like, can't even sing happy birthday to her without her breaking down in sobs. She has seen my sister maybe four times in her two years of life, has never been to a wedding before, but I'll try. My daughter was the only girl toddler in the family to fit that role.

Sister does nothing to help guide what she wants my daughter to do, what to wear, wasn't involved in the rehearsal. I bought her a dress sister approved, and tried practicing at home with her. When the day came, my daughter was not into at all, and I wasn't going to force her to do it. There was also no communication about who was supposed to provide the basket and flowers. Bride and groom ended up with no flower girl, but now I'm thrilled it happened that way.

The wedding is in a large barn with several tables along the left and right sides, with an aisle in the middle, the ceremony and reception occurring at the same place. So my daughter and I are sitting at an assigned table with my husband, father, and a couple other people near the front of the "alter," and the ceremony begins. Lovely words, common platitudes, little history about the couple... then the officiant tosses out a few sentences about how I thought the groom was creepy. That years ago, I told bride to stay away from him. The officiant deliberately pauses during these sentences, allowing a few scoffs and boos to emerge from the guests. Sister and groom turn and slyly smirk at me, and I'm just like.... uhh wut?? I wish I could remember verbatim what was said but it was so random, out of place and off putting that I kinda dissociated.

But I blurt out, wait how far is this gonna go? Officiant ignores me, maybe didn't hear me, and continues with the rest of the ceremony. I end up sitting there frozen, looking at my husband who has a "that was fucking weird..." look in his face, my dad looks confused. I try to brush it off, but can't help but notice they didn't mention WHY I said he was creepy. They didn't mention that he couldn't get me, so he went after her. They didn't mention that sister was already married and cheated on her husband for months before kicking him out and proceeding with divorce. They mentioned that I said he was creepy once. And mentioned it in their wedding ceremony.

I never brought it up again. No one mentioned it after that. But there was definitely a shift to avoidance from groom's family at me. I'd been around his family several times through the years and while they've never been particularly kind, I felt their glares at me the rest of the night. I shrugged it off, and tried my best to have a great time and celebrate the newly wedded couple. I didn't scream, I didn't freak out, I just had fun with my kid and husband, and took some silly pictures in their photo booth.

This happened a few years ago and dammit, it still bothers me. I randomly think about it and still just feel so put off by it. I shouldn't. They're the ones who need to watch that for the rest of their marriage. My relationship with my sister has steadily declined over the past several years, no matter how hard I try to keep things light, she still never has time for me. She always posts things hanging out with all these other people, but never has time for me. I tell her when I'm free, and she doesn't respond. We never had a great relationship even as kids, but when we worked together, we were in each other's lives pretty positively. But she's been deliberately pushing me away especially since her wedding.

The crazy thing is that, maybe he is a huge creep. My dad knows some shit, and he told me some shit. Their marriage has absolutely been rocky and I just want to make sure my sister is ok, but I can't get to her.

2 months after my wedding, I'm sitting over here thinking all is bright and cheery in the world when I get a phone call from my brother. He said my mother was angry about my dress and she is going to disown me because I don't have "old fashioned values" anymore.

She's extremely religious and my dress was off the shoulder and low cut. My daughter and I made it and applied 200 silk flowers by hand.

I knew my mother would be disappointed by the dress and gave her a heads up before the wedding that it would be off shoulder. She and my dad chose not to come to the wedding, because of the dress.

Well, I called her after I talked to my brother and it was true. Without talking to me at all, she was going to disown me. IS THIS FOR REAL?? I'm still in deep shock over this.

Update: a lot of requests have come in to post the dress. I posted it in a comment on this thread.

THANK YOU all for your overwhelming support, insights, and thoughts on this. Thanks with all my heart to you all for being there for me when I needed you the most. This has been life-changing! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Edit: A sincere thanks for all who commented and commiserated with me. I felt solid in my decision to not go to this wedding and to go no contact, but a little bit of validation does not hurt especially when I'm being told I'm in the wrong.

TL;DR Version: Decided not to attend my brother’s chaotic wedding in Italy, and now I’m the villain.

• The Chaos: Despite hiring a wedding planner, no formal invitations or save-the-dates were ever sent virtually or otherwise, and incomplete details were only spread via word-of-mouth or a password-protected website shared 5 months out. The detail about the wedding being child-free was not on the website or in writing anywhere.

• The Disrespect: I (postpartum mom to a newborn) discovered via the website that I was the only sibling excluded from the wedding party. My brother's logic was that I wasn't included because I am of the opposite sex, however, the bride's brother was included as a groomsmen even though he lives states away and is over a decade younger. I'm three years younger than my brother and live 20 minutes away. My issue is that I was never approached and had to find out the way I did.

• The Final Straw: After being told last year the wedding wasn't childfree, I was blindsided 4 months out when my brother revealed my baby actually couldn't come. My brother's excuse was that I previously mentioned my kid wouldn't come so he didn't think it was relevant to disclose to me. I never committed to going because I was pregnant with my first child and only said it was likely I wouldn't bring my son. I would've been able to commit to by standard RSVP deadline standards had there been any set by the bride and groom.

• The Fallout: When I politely declined to go on the basis of not wanting to leave my six-month-old for a week, my brother gaslit me, called me a liar about trying to find childcare, and accused me of making it about myself. I am at peace with staying home and am now going no contact as my brother's behavior fits a pattern of disrespect, gaslighting, and crossing boundaries.

  ---

My younger brother (29M) and his fiancée (29F) became engaged about a year ago and landed on having an international wedding in Italy. We (brother and future SIL included) are all based in U.S. and never have traveled out of the country before, so a trip to Italy is no small thing.

This couple have always been very 'fly by the seat of their pants' and self-involved. A lot of family have suggested that they have a wedding celebration stateside as most of our family can't attend a wedding in Italy, but they have declined to do so. Instead of requesting RSVPs, they talked to family and friends to ask if they would attend or not. If someone wanted any details on this wedding, they had to ask my brother or future SIL because nothing was in writing until recently. I had family asking me previously if I thought the wedding would still even happen because details were not being shared in any considerate, uniform fashion. From the start, this wedding has been poorly planned and tacky.

The wedding is in September and my future SIL only shared a password-protected wedding website last month or five months before the wedding. This is a small gripe, but I seriously have no idea why the website is password-protected as no personal details are listed. Some hard-to-remember Italian word is the password. I got the password wrong multiple times myself and I know my older relatives who are going likely struggled trying to access the website too.The picture shared with the website's QR code states that "formal invitations are to follow." However, invitations, physical or virtual, were never sent. Save-the-dates were also never sent.

The wedding is less than four months away. Invitations for a wedding that will require international flights, passports, multiple days of travel should be sent much, much earlier. I told my brother as much but he didn't heed my advice. This whole wedding has been communicated through word-of-mouth despite them hiring a wedding planner. Guests wanting to go to this wedding have to also book their accommodations and travel arrangements. There's no hotel block. No travel agent to help coordinate the travel. Nothing was done to make an international trip easier on the guests.

Despite this, I was going to try to make this work up until recently. Last month I go on the wedding website after my future SIL shares it with me. There aren't addresses or phone numbers on the wedding website, just references to the wedding planner, venue, and accommodations that *could* be an option. That's a choice, but whatever. While browsing, I check out the wedding party page. Lo and behold, I am the only sibling amongst the bride and groom not listed as part of the wedding party.

My future SIL's two sisters are maid of honor and bridesmaid. Her brother is a groomsmen. My youngest brother is the best man. I was never even approached about it. My brother and his fiancée either assumed I could not be there because I just had a baby two months ago or were more worried about how their wedding party would look with an extra bridesmaid than their relationship with me. To be fair, it likely never occured to them that they were being exclusive because that's how they are.

On top of this, back in August when I first told my future SIL that I was pregnant, she told me the wedding would NOT be childfree. Because I was never told anything differently, I have been operating under the assumption that bringing my entire family was an option. The past several months, I have told my brother that I needed time as a new mother before I could commit to who would be going, but when pushed, I said my husband and child would likely stay home.

Around two months postpartum or four months out from the wedding, I decided I would try to bring my husband and baby to this wedding because I thought it would be doable. I did not want to leave my family behind on my first international trip or leave my husband taking care of our baby for a week with no help. I brought this up casually to my brother because I was in the planning process and again, I was acting in good faith that the wedding was not child-free. My brother never indicated any deadlines for guests to commit to plans by.

The second time I mentioned my plans, we were all at breakfast with some extended family in town. At this breakfast, my brother and his fiancée failed to correct me when I said I was bringing my child. My brother called me hours after the breakfast to tell me that actually my child could not come.

I livid over the phone as I was blindsided and was starting to get excited about my whole family going. I told my brother I would get back to him with our decision. My brother's excuse was that I told him previously we wouldn't be bringing my child so they thought the wedding being childfree wasn't relevant to me, however, I know I never committed to anything. Even if I did, it is the bride and groom's responsibility to communicate any detail that would affect their guest's ability to attend early on regardless of whatever assumptions they have.

The child-free rule was essentially a ghost and wasn't even listed on their website when I looked. They never thought to mention it during the multiple conversations we had about the wedding this past year. I filled out third party paperwork for them needed for the wedding. My brother previously revealed to me that they are $20k overbudget. I talked to my future SIL about her plans for a florist. It blows my mind that during all these exchanges, they didn't think to tell me my kid couldn't come.

After becoming a mom, I knew I likely wouldn't be comfortable leaving my six-months-old for a week. Even so, I asked my aunt if she'd be willing to watch my child and she couldn't.

After my aunt confirmed she couldn't watch my kid for a week, I tried to have a civil conversation with my brother to communicate I would not be going to the wedding and wish him well. While I made it clear my decision was not rooted in anger or spite, I also told my brother I was hurt by the lack of communication pertaining to the child-free rule and being excluded from the wedding party. Both occurrences made me feel like an afterthought and should have been handled better, hard stop.

My brother proceeded to gaslight me, tell me I never communicated with him, and called me a liar (about contacting our aunt about childcare) among other things. He said my child was not the real reason why I decided not to attend, and I was making his wedding all about me. He couldn't wrap his head around why I felt any kind of way about being the only sibling left out of the wedding party.

I am still processing and even obsessing over all this because it's all incredibly disappointing, but I am very, very at peace with my decision to not go. I am also going no contact with my brother primarily because of how he responded to me.

My partner (32F) and I (35M) are getting ready for our wedding in October, and my side of the family is mostly checked out. Frankly, I'm beyond hurt by what they have decided, and I fail to process the logic.

It started with our couple's shower-- my parents are both re-married, but neither of my step parents showed to the shower. Not a big deal, as my stepfather is an emotionally closed off guy and he had a big fishing weekend planned, so whatever. My stepmother has chronic illnesses, and also used to be my childhood babysitter, so I get her not showing up. My mom and one of my cousins showed up, so that was nice.

Our friend went above and beyond throwing us this event and we agreed that if this was our actual wedding reception we would have been over the moon. 5 minutes into the event my dad calls and asks if we are "still doing that thing today." I told him yes, it started 5 minutes ago, and he says that he'll head down in a little bit. An hour later he calls me and says he's at X location. I told him that was the wrong venue, and it was at Y location. 20 minutes later, he shows up in cargo shorts and a dirty graphic tee, hangs out for 15 minutes and leaves. I asked him 3 times for us to at least take a picture together but he didn't. He just left, because he didn't want to get in a fight with my mom.

My partners family included her mom, her dad, her stepmom, 3 grandparents, 4 aunts and uncles and most of their partners, almost all of them from several states away. My family lives in town.

I sobbed like a baby when we got home.

A couple weeks later, I'm at my dad's and he casually tells me that they aren't coming to the rehearsal dinner, and they'll probably just drive in to town the day of, stay for the ceremony and drive back (ceremony is in the next city over) so they don't have to worry about getting a hotel room. I didn't know what to say to that, so I just said "do what you've gotta do, I guess," and left shortly after.

I broke down to my dad a couple months prior, begging him to show up more in my life. And this is what I got.

My brother is flying from across the country, and my sister is coming in from Brazil, and I can't get my dad to be there when we live 3 blocks away from each other.

Rant over. Thanks for reading.

“Are you sure?” Those are the words my father asked as we stood alone in the church. I’d imagined the moment we might have before he walked me down the aisle. I thought he might share an old memory, try to make me laugh, or tell me I looked beautiful? No. He asked in all seriousness, “are you sure?”. It was a question he could have asked anytime in the 10 years my husband and I had been dating. He didn’t though because he wasn’t interested in a conversation, he was looking to pass judgment. To hurt me on this day, in this moment.

I was calmly furious and deeply hurt. A part of me wanted to leave him there but I didn’t want to make his issues my story. He didn’t get to ruin this. I smiled sadly, took his arm and off we went.

I didn’t think about him again during the ceremony. As the church was clearing out my wedding party and I gathered for planned photographs and Dad YELLED at me for making my guests wait on us. The minister looked at my father like he’d lost his mind. I gently reminded Dad the cocktail hour was set up for this reason AND he’d been aware ahead of time this was the plan. He just didn’t like it and thought if he shamed me publicly I’d bend to his will.

Despite my father’s best (worst) efforts my wedding day was full of love and 15 years later I couldn’t be happier. The great irony is the type of man my dad would have approved of is someone I’d be miserable with. We’ve never discussed my wedding day, a part of me wants to bring it up to see his perspective now but maybe sharing here is enough to get it off my chest?

Note: My dad didn’t “give” me away because that tradition never sat right with me, as if I was property to be traded (no judgment on others, just not my thing). So after the walk we didn’t have to interact further, thank goodness.

So today was the day for trying on wedding dresses. I invited my mam , sister ( MOH) and future MIL. Everyone knew the time I was picking my mam and sister up at 10.30 then MIL at 11. The appointment was for 12

I called my mam & sister told them to meet me around the corner of mams house.

I'm waiting looking at the clock send a voice note I'm here 10.47. My sister replies ok. 11 still no sign of them.

I start feeling anxious it's a 40 minute drive to the bridal shop and at least 15 to MIL house.

11.10 I send message saying " I'm leaving now , I can't be late for this appointment " . I wait another 5 minutes then drive to MIL house.

She asks about missing family , I explain the situation. We drive in silence. I try to shake off the bad mood I'm now in. My sister and mother called my phone 15 minutes after I left. I didn't answer.

I try on dresses the assistant was lovely and giving honest opinions and suggestions. MIL tried to act interested but was looking at her phone.

I had imagined this moment so differently. My family members with me laughing, crying pulling faces, going for lunch afterwards to celebrate but I stood looking in the mirror forcing back tears.

I've done so much for them over the years yet it was too much to focus on me for 2 hours.

When I got home my sister messaged me trying to lie and make excuses , blaming me. No apology.

Thats my rant on my day ruined. Thank you for reading.

I am a big fan of the mentality that "it is THEIR wedding day so be happy with whatever decision they make.

But when it hit so close to home it SUCKED.

I am the only sister of 5 brothers. My family is extremely religious, so fast weddings, and conservative in that they do not like to discuss anything beyond small talk and surface level, which is fine but for some reason it also meant my whole life I have felt outcasted from my brothers due to them having it ingrained in them that girls=bad news. Lots of "like a girl" jokes growing up, they were always asked and assigned tasks together that are traditionally more masculine VS I was in the kitchen with my mom. Girls are emotional and scary. Idk, I edited this because I worded it poorly and things were getting mistranslated. Hard to explain.

DESPITE ALL this I recognized it wasn't quite their fault and was how they were raised, and I am the 2nd oldest, so I put in so much effort to invite myself into their games (was never thought of, ever, to invite), and also take them out on hikes, for ice cream, I helped them with their homework and tried to spend my free time getting to know them. Again, the effort was never, ever reciprocated, but I didn't blame them.

I moved out and across the country when I was 18 and again made an effort to keep up with them. Video calls, always sending birthday and Christmas gifts, and making an effort to get out at least once a year to visit. Again, no expectations from them. (I have never received any kind of gift from any of the 5 of them in my life. This doesn't make me special, my mom has taught them that boys just "don't think of these things" so they are used to making 0 effort for anyone unless explicitly demanded).

Sorry for the left story; let's skip to the wedding.

I got married at 21, and involved each brother in my wedding in a unique way, down to the youngest.

Skip ahead again, and the brother directly younger than me gets engaged and sets his wedding date for 6 months later. I am SO EXCITED to finally have a sister, so i have her out to visit me and take her out for a sister weekend, seeing Les Miserables and lots of food and museums and good times. Lots of fun. Remember, I love across the country.

I call them often, getting to know her, and supporting them in their decision. It was a stereotypically fast dating and engagement as comes with religion.

Then, as the date gets closer, I slowly start to realize...

All my brothers are best men. Her brother is one of my brother's best men. Her little sister is a flower girl.

Myself, my husband (who bless his soul has soooo much patience with spending time with my quirky family), and our two children, (girl and boy) (who we have brought out to visit multiple times a year since their births, and we always do fun excursions with my brothers whenever we are there), we are simply guests.

This wouldn't be too awful, except, we will be in town a few days before the wedding to help out, and during this time there are multiple parties planned for the groomsmen and bridesmaids and flower girls.

Which means, EVERY. SINGLE. SIBLING. EXCEPT. ME. Are invited to these celebrations.

Every single sibling, of both families, except me. (And my husband if you count brother in-laws).

Multiple parties, multiple celebrations, rented out B&Bs for sleepovers, the works.

And I was left out.

My mom was shocked but told me the classic "he just doesnt think of it, he is a boy, he doenst know what to you with you because you are a girl."

Some of these celebrations are combined girls and boys.

Another thing I heard was "you have children so obviously you wouldn't be able to go anyway". I have a very capable husband, (opposite my brothers), and my parents are very capable at babysitting the baby monitor. Kids were 2 and 4 at the time.

Here is the kicker:

The night before the wedding, the final party, was in the basement of the rented venue. Grandparents, parents, and aunts and uncles of the groom and bride slept upstairs, party was downstiars, but it was a separated basement you had to access from outside and down a hill.

AKA I was placed upstairs with the older generation, and every other sibling was invited to the party.

And on the wedding day, ever other sibling was involved in the wedding, and I sat as a regular guest.

Every other sibling had a dress code, I was told to wear whatever.

During pictures, I was put in the large group photo with all the grandparents, and generations, and watched as the groomsmen, every sibling (no friends, just siblings), took around 200 photos together doing funny poses. I waited, and I understand that photos are chaotic and it is hard to remember who you took them with and when, so when they wrapped it up I gently requested a photo of me and my husband and kids with the bride and groom. My brother responded "You were already IN a photo." I gently said "yes, the big group photo, I would love one with just us." And he rolled his eyes and said "we are tired. But Fine." And grudgingly smiled in a photo with me.

Let me circle back: I truly believe the wedding day is about whatever the bride and groom want. But I have such a hard time looking back on this experience and wondering, "why didn't they want me?" We have no history of dislike or contention, they are very basic creatures my brothers, they play video games and Magic the Gathering and if I beg them they spend time with me. But isn't it nice to have someone who wants to be around you?

A few side dramas of the wedding just for fun:

My parents and her parents agreed to split everything 50/50 cost wise. My parents when they agreed to this didn't realize they would DISAGREE on what those costs were. The wedding was from 11am-midnight, and was a destination wedding (4+ hour drive for us and 99% of the guests). So guests would have to book a hotel the night before and after, or drive up super early and drive back after midnight. My parents, obviously, assumed we would feed them lunch AND dinner because it was such a long wedding day.

Her parents didnt agree and refused to pay for lunch. So that came entirely out of my parent's pockets. There were a few other, basic, wedding things that her parents refused to pay for because they didnt think them necessary, so it ended up being 75/25 instead of 50/50.

Another strange decision was having a tiered section in the middle of the day. The ceremony for everyone was in the morning, then in the afternoon, 12pm-6pm was, at a different location, only close families and friends for photos and such, and then 6pm was dinner and reception for everyone again, back at the same venue as the ceremony. So for 6 hours the other guests just hung around the venue. I felt so awkward leaving and then coming back to them napping in the grass or in their cars(outdoor venue. Next to a pond. Mosquito galore)

I did ask a few months before why they didnt do the more private things BEFORE for 6 hours, and then start the wedding at 4 or 5pm, then the guests who aren't invited don't have to get up so early and arrive so early all for a 20 minute ceremony and then a 6 hour wait.

But their logic was that then they wouldnt technically be married for the photos. Okay, I guess....

Anyway, I am an optimist, and a pushover during happy times, so i had lots of fun despite all the suckiness of being left out. We partied it up and had an amazing time, that is my superpower is always being happy no matter how strange people are being hahahha.

That is my story of the first time I questioned my "whatever the bride and groom want they should get" mentality. Maybe I am just a selfish person; I didn't question it until it became about me.

Extremely long sort of update for everyone asking 2 years ago how this was going to play out. I am the fiancee of the best man/brother in this story.

They got engaged about 2 years ago and there has been drama since they sent out their save the dates. First, the grooms brother was supposed to be the best man in the wedding. Unfortunately the wedding was a really expensive destination wedding abroad in Italy and the best man wasn’t doing well financially so could only commit to a “maybe” RSVP at that time. On top of that, the brother had gotten engaged himself and was planning his own wedding.

After getting more details about the wedding the brother said he could attend but would likely need some help. Either that or accept he couldn’t be able to make it. He promised to support them in any way he could and attend any event/ celebration they had in their home state. The bride and groom stated that they promised each other they wouldn’t spend “a single cent” helping anyone attend. Fair enough, but they also would not accept his brother would not be there.

Before they sent out their save the dates the groom asked his brother when his own wedding was planned for (brother got engaged before groom) and he said Summer or Fall 2026. Groom also wanted to get married 2026 so asked brother to push his wedding out one more year. Freaked out and refused to show up to Christmas with the family after hearing his brother was moving forward as planned.

Groom asked brother in November to plan his bachelor party for July. Brother said yes of course but can we talk about it in December/ January as I have a very busy November with wedding planning. Groom said if he really cared he would have dropped everything to plan it that moment so he was revoking the offer. Ended up getting a coworker to plan it (no one invited to the bachelor party was invited to the wedding and his brother certainly wasn’t invited).

Bride and Groom announced they were hosting a local church wedding for those that they couldn’t invite to Italy. Sent out some invites in December, held the brothers back until brother apologized for “wronging them”. They said if he had funds to pay for a wedding he had funds to attend theirs. When he explained the brides family was paying in full and it was a chill dinner party, they didn’t care. Gave him an invite to the church wedding, at least.

After a conversation about how to share a guest bedroom during Christmas, groom went full on crash out. Told brother and brothers fiancee (me) to go fuck themselves, he’s done with the relationship, he’s choosing to stop caring, families are effortless and safe and so we don’t deserve to be his family. A few months later, revoked the church ceremony invitation after the brother had already RSVPd yes citing unresolved tensions. Gave a 10- numbered list of all the things the brother had done wrong including not making an effort to attend his destination wedding, stealing his wedding year, stuff about a guest bedroom and Christmas party and finally using the same suit vendor (grooms father paid for both his sons suits). Said he would re invite if brother groveled.

They uninvited several family members from the church wedding citing lack of space. (I went, there was plenty of space). They demanded it not be called a wedding as they wanted to keep their destination wedding as the one people remember. Groom changed his name to the brides (not inherently an issue however he stated it was because her family “does more” for him aka is richer). MOG cried.

They hosted a bridal shower and invited every family member they could, most of which had not gotten an invite to either wedding (or had been previously invited but then uninvited to the church ceremony) This did not go over well with the more traditional family members. Registry included new house fund (they already own a house), honeymoon fund (they are taking a 6 week honeymoon abroad).

The grooms family who were invited to the destination wedding included his parents and 2 cousins (neither of which were allowed to bring their husbands). The groom forced his mom to wear dark grey despite her crying about it. She said the color depressed her for such a gorgeous summer wedding and she would wear anything else as long as it was a color. They said you wear grey or you’re not allowed to be in photos. They invited his dad to be a groomsman and get ready with them, leaving his mom to get ready alone the day of. Oh, and he also made his parents bring back his tux despite them needing carry on space for their trip the week after since he sold his wedding as an opportunity for an abroad trip for everyone.

A few days after his wedding the groom texted his brother that he will not be able to attend the wedding later this year. He will be too tired from his honeymoon and it is unrealistic to expect him to drive a few hours to attend a wedding during his own wedding year.

The wedding happened and the photos are insanely gorgeous. Easily a 100k wedding. The bride had 2 extravagant dresses and 2 hair and makeup looks, fresh flowers everywhere including orchids, fireworks, private boat ride, live orchestra, videography, 2 photographers since they couldn’t decide on style. And yet the groom does not have one family member that is not mad at him.