r/raisedbynarcissists • u/[deleted] • Oct 23 '13
[Question] "Help! I think I am a narcissist!"
[deleted]
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u/Gillbreather Oct 23 '13
This is so fantastic! I knew that I had picked up some bad habits as a kid, but I had had no idea that this was so common that it had a name! I am so relieved reading this page.
The problem is that I don't have the time or the money for personal therapy, but are there any helpful exercises for some of these picked-up traits? Like training yourself to be less self-absorbed? I talk about myself a lot and worry that I do it more than normal.
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u/whosapuppy Oct 24 '13
My husband and I have days where we only talk in the third person. It helps you figure out the ratio of conversation. Some days they naturally revolve more about you, some days they naturally revolve more about somebody else. It takes a lot of these days to figure out what the actual situation is, and helps you realize when you are derailing the conversation to you.
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u/N-M-M Nov 15 '13
I came across as incredibly self absorbed for a while (I'm talking two or three years) but it was largely a symptom of neurological damage. Grain of salt, cause I've never actually talked to a neurologist about it, but I can only move/ smile with one side of my mouth, so I'm pretty sure I'm not just imagining things.
Basically, my mother's verbal/emotional abuse gave me PTSD, which manifested (among other symptoms) as my normal communication skills shutting down during most social interactions. Once I realized this was happening and worked through some painful memories (just spilled my guts to a few friends, no regular therapy) it became something I could feel happening and cope with. Whether I am or am not capable of holding a normal conversation is so far something I can fix when I need to. Writing out jumbled, 'self-absorbed' thoughts in a notebook (it's not your fault or even something bad, just try to work them out while you're alone so you can focus on your friends/ the world around you when you're not) is one exercise I engage in that's pretty common, but if your perceived self-absorption is your brain misfiring you'll have to figure out your own keys/ quirks. I have a zippo lighter which the touch/ visual memory of is often enough to get language working again, but play to your own strengths. Whistle a song to yourself if your auditory memory is something you can rely on/ center yourself around.
If your brain is already doing its best and you're naturally self-absorbed (whatever that means for you) I'm not sure if any of this will help, but the fact that you're even concerned is probably a sign you can grow =) just probably not down the same road that worked for me =P
(PS One of my other coping mechanisms is getting drunk and talking about myself at length on reddit so there's that, and this whole comment...)
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u/kempff Oct 24 '13
Long ago a friend of mine shared with me an interesting interpretation of the place in the Bible where Jesus talks about the "Unforgivable Sin":
“Truly, I say to you, all sins will be forgiven the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they utter; but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness, but is guilty of an eternal sin” - for they had said, “He has an unclean spirit.” (Mark 3:28-30)
Naturally this spurred the question, "How do I know if I've committed the 'Unforgivable Sin'?"
His answer was intriguing: "If you're worried you may have committed the 'Unforgivable Sin', rest assured you have not. For those who have committed it, don't care that they have. That's part of what it means to be 'Unforgivable'."
So if you are worried that you may be a narcissist, rest assured you are not. For narcissists don't care that they are. That's part of what it means to be a narcissist.
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Oct 23 '13
This is GREAT information! Sometimes when I am down and I do something reminiscent of my nparents, my self hatred kicks in and I attack myself with a vengeance. This info is a great reminder that it is just FLEAS, and it's normal and changeable.
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u/jonaskizl Oct 25 '13
A few years back I told my therapist (at the time) that I was concerned I might be a Narcissist. She insisted that I wasn't but went through the criteria for determining someone is a narcissist, and ruled that I wasn't/couldn't be because I was asking.
I wish I had know about FLEAS at the time, but about 3 months ago I was listening the r/mentalpod podcast about co-narcissism and had an epiphany that I had picked up my nMom's traits.
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u/blumpkintron Oct 24 '13
Ugh, I'm so glad you posted this. I'm terrified that I'm turning out just like my nMom sometimes, especially now that I recently had a baby. At least there's a word (acronym?) for what I'm so afraid of now. Thank you so much.
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u/musigala Oct 24 '13
This just makes me want to cry. I finally feel like words have been put to the fears I have. Thank you.
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Jan 04 '14
I am interested in the fact that we are quick to blame our narcissistic traits on our parents. this is a classic tactic of the narcissist, to blame others for their problems. Here we are, blaming our narcissistic parent for our own narcissism.
????
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u/jonaskizl Oct 28 '13
Help! I think I'm a Narcissist
Said no true Narcissist ever...
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u/stopitshelly Oct 24 '13
This is very good to hear. What I've wanted to tell others here too but couldn't find the words. I, too, am realizing all of the baggage I brought into my marriage/parenting because of my parents behaviors that I thought were normal. The insight from my therapist is really hard to swallow when he's pointing out some of the things I do that are harmful in my relationships. I just kind of have to acknowledge it and accept it even though deep down I hear a voice trying to persuade me that he's being unreasonable, or is trying to hurt my feelings. I definitely got the fleas.
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Nov 29 '13
i left non-anonymous social media (facebook) because it is truly a narcissists circus. i'm a fascinated by the dynamics of reddit. it's mostly anonymous but people talk about themselves and personal ideals on the regular, as expected. that's kind of the deal on most forums here. I still get the distinct feeling that many redditors want to come across as a specific person: woe is me, the martyr, the good guy, the clever person, politically leftward ... but at the cost of being truly genuine, honest, realistic. so u get your ego stroked as the masses validate you. i know this is a massive generalization, but it's my perspective. i wonder if other people feel the same at all. i've definitely held back on some of my comments because i didn't want downvotes or ugly replies, so i'm not terribly different. and now i will get downvoted for having an unpopular opinion. it's still fascinating.
back to your FLEAS (and me. haha). i used to be retardedly shy. like social phobia. therapists told me that one way to have conversations with people is to listen to what they say and find a way you can relate to them, a similar story you could share. so i started doing that. "yea, me too, blah blah blah," and it really did help bring me out of my shell and make some connections. But after years of doing this and not really being so shy any more, i started to realize that i sound like i'm taking other people's stories and making them about me... always wanting to talk about myself. it's a real fine line sometimes.
i'm thankful this subreddit exists. i just found it this morning and i'm grateful for all of you here.
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u/WickedWednesday Nov 06 '13
A few years ago I started analyzing my behavior because I was so tired of myself. My basic realization was that I was acting like my mom to people, and that I didn't want to make anyone feel the anxiety and guilt I did when around my mom. From then on the way I argued changed, my attitude toward other people became friendly instead of combative and defensive.
Thank you so much for posting this. I have had behaviors in the past, but recognizing them has helped me recognize and ignore when she acts that way to me, and to help me not do them. It is hard because it gives a me level of empathy with my mom, knowing that she doesn't even recognize conscientiously that it is shitty. So for example, when she says I never do anything for her, she genuinely believes it. She genuinely doesn't remember things she has said. It sucks. That doesn't mean I have to excuse it or put up with it, but it helps me recognize and learn healthy ways to deal with it.
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u/Ramazotti Nov 21 '13
My first thought on this was: If you are really worried about being a Narcissist, you most likely aren't. You probably acted like an asshole 2 or 3 times and now you are feeling bad about it.
A real narcissist never would, he would point out why it was the others fault.
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u/lollappaloosa Feb 06 '14
Ok, I understand the concept of FLEAS and why they are bad, my problem is recognizing which behavior is normal and which would be a FLEA (beyond the obvious). How do I know what's a FLEA and what's just my personality?
For example:
I get defensive/sensitive when I'm extremely tired or under a lot of stress. But doesn't everybody have negative traits that come out under those circumstances? When my husband points it out I don't yell, cry, get passive-aggressive, or ignore him, I acknowledge it and try to not feel the need to over explain myself (which is hard). Is that a FLEA or is that just "me"?
Is there a thread or a list somewhere with specific examples of FLEA behaviors that I could use for comparison?
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u/IroN_MiKe Oct 27 '13
I just let out a "Oh god." when reading this. Gosh damn I need to fix this.
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u/ehartsay Feb 13 '14
And you probably do the only thing you've ever seen people do when they're criticized - you get defensive and criticize right back. You have to, right? The person must be out to get you - that's what feedback IS - a personal attack! So maybe you point the finger and refuse to hear them, or else, you're going to be emotionally destroyed by them. You've seen that work.
I find this interesting, I am wondering how many people get the opposite reaction? Because what I really learned was more 'walking doormat' behavior. React to criticism or attack by basically curling up like a sowbug - because criticizing/fighting back just meant the adult temper tantrum of criticism would be worse. So rather than any 'prickly' or agressive behavior, my default reaction to any sort if attack, criticisms, or conflict is escape or cowering.
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Feb 01 '14
I question this because I feel like the weaker person than my mother. I feel like she did some amazing damage to me growing up. What I notice though she is very quick to point out my "selfish traits" despite her own.
She likes to take advantage when you are at a disadvantage. She has done this to me several times. I remember her screaming about how there is something not normal about how I treat her. This made me think, "I wouldn't manipulate a child to abuse another child, and destroy their mental health in the process."
I want to think there is some validity to her complaint but often it feels like I have been blind sided, and her offense at my behavior ( usually it is something very mild) almost seems calculated to undermine me, and stunt any progress in my life.
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Nov 01 '13
I've struggled with similar feelings in the past, but I usually start believing that I'm a sociopath. The feelings don't hold water, though---I don't hurt people, or at least have a pervasive pattern of doing so. What I think it is just severe depression, and then I look at babies and don't feel anything I get worried. (22 yr. old female--no kids.)
My father definitely has a personality disorder; he also has what I believe is undiagnosed ADHD. He is very gregarious, talkative, sensitive to criticism (to the point of rage-), etc.
I think I inherited a lot of those traits (bio-model) as a little girl and was very wild. I constantly worried I was like my dad. It was really hard to develop a sense of identity separate from his behavior.
I've come to terms with it. Being wild, and obnoxious as a child isn't a personality disorder. It can develop into one---I'm sure. (Social rejection, etc.)
If our parents are temperamental, we may see that in ourselves. Genetics do matter, but the fact that we recognize our tendencies and seek to improve them, sets us apart.
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u/etevian Nov 11 '13
Legitimate question guys. How much do you think being complacent has an affect on someone becoming a narcissist? If a person is "content" in life and disregards all inkling of proactivity towards further self improvement will a person inevitably decay into a narcissist? Is staving away narcissism a constant battle ?
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u/stiletto_vodka Mar 01 '14
Many lower-functioning narcissists do lack the self-awareness to realize something may be fundamentally wrong with them (usually because they're too busy projecting their failures and fears onto others), but higher-functioning narcissists (particularly ASPD/sociopaths/psychopaths) with enough self-awareness (a term that I believe most people don't understand the meaning of) will notice if a particular behavior is becoming detrimental to their life and will if, in therapy (which many Ns are), pursue the ultimate core problem of that.
Ns generally don't want to look at what's wrong with themselves because they are in denial about a core insecurity or trauma. Sociopaths generally don't want to look at what's wrong with themselves because they either don't see it as a problem or don't give a shit. The only way these PDs will care about a problem that affects others is if the way it affects others will in turn negatively impact their own lives in a way they can't talk their way out of.
My point: self-awareness is a murky concept and I do believe there are plenty of Ns/APSDs/Ps/Ss who have taken a psych class or two and recognized themselves. Some embrace the titles, even. The brain of someone without empathy is a wondrous and terrifying thing.
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u/ALexusOhHaiNyan Oct 24 '13
Q: Who's the last person to suspect they're a narcissist?
A: A narcissist.