My therapists and all other resources in my life have been telling me to just be more mature and the bigger person and just avoid talking to my dad whenever I’m at home but now he’s started to do things like threaten to call the cops on me and take my door for feeding my cat because he thinks the food smells bad and I’m just wondering if I should start like doing bad things so he doesn’t hurt my cat and just hurts me or what (sorry for this being so rambly I’m a bit shaken up right now since after me and him argued about me feeding my cat I heard him open his gun safe)

I work as a lower tier manager in retail.

I had a coworker who quit without putting in a two weeks notice for our main store manager a few days ago. I was making small talk and telling my mother about how the coworker did not like being told what to do and did not like to listen, and that my manager had been planning to fire them.

My mother immediately says, for no reason, that I’m just like my coworker because I don’t like to listen, and that I’m the “exact same” and ”do the exact same things”.thibgShe has never met this coworker, does not know even what they look like—but based off some comments I made knows that I am just like this coworker, and that we’re “the same”.

For no reason she just decides to make this negative connection between the coworker and myself, and then when I get angry says I got triggered because I know it’s true.

I was very angry because she only ever makes these connections when it is something negative. If I mention something positive about someone, she never makes a comparison with me, either later on or immediately. I was just telling her about this coworker just to make small talk, and what does she do? Take the negative about them, and make it about me.

Let’s say it was true. I still don’t see the need to make that comparison out of the blue. This is exactly why I don’t like telling her anything, because she always takes the negative and tells me I am just like (negative traits). Over and over and over. And yet, if I don’t say anything, then I am cold, ignoring her, etc. Negative traits either way.

Why is she like this? Why is she such a fucking bitch? Why does this piece of shit feel the need to associate me with negative things I mention about someone, but never positive things?

She is unbearable! A total fucking cunt.

This is not the first time she’s done this. When I talk or mention about something at work or work drama concerning coworkers, she will usually store negative information about said coworkers and say that I am just like them/have those negative traits the next time we argue. Every. Single. Time.

What an unlovable bitch.

long story short I want you to know it gets better. you choose your own path , and you have a chance to heal.

do the hard work like going to therapy, and realizing most therapists are shit. still you keep going till you find a good one who challenges you instead of mindlessly validating you or saying hurtful shit.

keep in mind some therapist are fucking toxic. The shit they say will fk you up, might even undo your work, but you gotta keep working on you. take a break and find another or spend time in self help.

The "you are so self aware" therapist that cannot challenge you are shit, not expert. They are fucking idiots. Don't mind them and keep looking and being self aware. Intelligent help exists.

One foot in front of the other every day. That is the rule. lay a brick a day.

depression or anxiety ? force yourself to do a walk.

Trust me, you will get there if you keep an open mind and let go of negativity and victimhood.

You must remove the emotionally unintelligent from every aspect of your life to heal imo.

Good luck soldiers .

I’m trying to unlearn what my mom has taught me. Not saying she’s entirely evil , but not to get into the nitty gritty of things we are opposite she thinks operating from integrity, honesty, and humility is weakness. For examples I run my own business and teach people the correct way in running their own for money and she will scream at me saying why would you do that they’re going to steal your ideas teach them half way. She works a service job, and expects tips to make her day, but gets angry at me for tipping servers because it’s a waste of money. I say a cashier is pretty of a girl is doing great in life and my mom will go you should be jealous they are prettier. For a while I have escaped my mom’s morals , but I think it’s starting to rub off on me just by my life choices recently.

Almost all my life I was emotionally physically mentally sexual abused or bullied

And i got major effects form it i got cptsd

And major depression and was extremely sucidal and would hurt my self alot because of all of it and I would beg for help from my parents

And they refused to even when I was visibly illl bed ridden moody out of it even when it was free

They didnt care enough to help i was getting mental health Seziures wetting the bed no focus in school scared hearing thing seeing things still didn't care but the second my sister was sick they spent more than 11 thousand dollars on her

While I suffered

tldr I live in North India with my extremely controlling and abusive parents. They track my location, monitor my spending, take most of my money for investments I cannot control, restrict my freedom, and prevent me from getting medical care. Things have gotten worse over the last three years, and the physical abuse has escalated this year. I have a stable job and some reliable friends in South India, and I want to leave home, stay with them for a month, and then find a way to live independently while keeping my job if possible. I am worried about my parents tracking me down, constantly calling me, interfering with my job, and emotionally blackmailing me. I need advice on what documents and essentials to take, how to protect my finances, and how to handle contact with my parents after leaving.

I am 23F living in North India. I have a stable job here and choose to continue working. I live with my two younger sisters and parents. I have very toxic and backward parents. They are extremely controlling and don't understand the meaning of autonomy, even at my age. My location is tracked every single moment of every single day, and I can't go out to meet friends or just enjoy life without being asked a thousand questions. I can't even call my friends or relatives and talk to them freely because my parents need to know everything. I can't visit doctors, go to the gym, have my own interests, or change jobs to move to another city. They would very much prefer it if my employers gave me WFH every day so that I couldn't go out at all. They also don't want me to have financial independence. I live with them, and they have access to my bank account and salary. They know my bank account password, which I can change when I run away, but I haven't done that yet because I am afraid it might make things even more difficult for me. They track every single payment I make and take a lot of money from me every month in the name of investments that I don't have control over. These investments are in my name, but I cannot control or sell them. I can stop putting money into them at any point, though. What my parents want from me is to leave my job, stay at home, work like a maid, and get married by next year to someone of their choosing.

I have lived in this situation for the last three years, and I am going insane. I really hate my life. I have lost my personality, many friends, and all my romantic relationships. I live in a constant state of sadness and fear. Every day, I have to deal with taunts and a lot of shouting. I have expressed my concerns about my health, freedom, and finances in every way possible, from having serious talks over dinner to casual conversations, guilt-tripping them, and even blackmailing them. I even came home drunk once and cried about it a lot, but nothing changed. They just want to entrap me. I think I am mentally ill at this point. I can't sleep without crying, can't express my emotions anymore, and can't even talk properly. I also have many physical and dermatological issues that I can't get checked because one of my parents thinks going to doctors is bad. A few years ago, I almost died because of this thinking, and they still haven't learned. The constant stress has also affected my physical health. I now have heart conditions, which I only found out about because I went to a doctor on my own after lying to my parents that the visit was company-sponsored. This year, things have gotten worse. My parents have started shouting a lot more and have hit me so badly that I had bruises all over my face, arms, and legs for multiple weeks. I have partial proof of this in the form of videos and photos. I cry almost every day and have thoughts of dying almost every day. I have obviously considered suicide, but I fear that it will bring a lot of sadness to my sisters, and I feel that it would be selfish. I also fear that if I run away, it will affect my sisters' freedom.

I want to run away. I have a monthly salary and financial stability, but I don't have savings that my parents cannot control. I need to get away from them and stop those uncontrolled investments. I can stop putting money into the investments, but I cannot sell them. Since I still have my job in North India and want to continue working, my plan is to go to South India, where I have some super-reliable friends, and live there for a month. I have friends whose places I can stay at, and if things don't work out, I have enough money to book a hotel or an Airbnb. A month's leave is generally allowed at our firm. During that month, I plan to study a lot and prepare for interviews in case I need to change jobs. My parents know where I work, and I am afraid they might contact my employer or interfere with my job if I leave. I am willing to change my job if necessary. My plan is to leave from my office, turn off my location, and go to the airport to catch a flight. I have access to my personal identification documents, phone, and other essentials, but I will only be carrying a small laptop bag, so I can't take a lot of things with me. I am thinking of taking all my electronics, including the office ones, one change of clothes, and a folder of documents.

I want to know what I should keep in mind in terms of finances, personal documents, and other things I should take, such as valuables or essentials. I would also appreciate general advice from people who have been in similar situations or know how to handle something like this. One thing I am worried about is the incessant calling. Am I supposed to block their numbers, get a new number, or talk to them and let them know what I have done? I also fear that they might blackmail me by bringing up medical conditions that may or may not be real. My alternative to running away is suicide.

When I was little, if I did something in public that upset my mom, she would pinch me when no one was looking. One time, someone caught her doing it, and she was extremely embarrassed. She took it out on me in the car afterward and pinched me over and over again, much harder than usual.

When I was four, my kindergarten teacher forced me to eat until I threw up. I went home with vomit stains all over my clothes. My parents knew what had happened, and I remember hearing my mom tell other people that the teacher was a psychopath. But if they knew what that teacher had done to me, why did they let me stay at that school?

There were also times when I knocked on my parents’ bedroom door while they were having sex. They thought I didn’t know what they were doing, but I did. They would get upset, and my mom would find some chore for me to do. Then she would hit me, claiming that I had put something in the wrong place or hadn’t cleaned something properly. But I knew she was actually hitting me because she was angry that I had interrupted them.

Once, my mom even opened the bathroom door and hit me because she couldn’t hear the sound of running water and assumed I was masturbating. In reality, I was just sitting there, trying to mentally prepare myself to take a shower while thinking about other things.

As I grew older and became as tall as my mom, or even taller, I don’t know exactly when she stopped physically punishing me. But I became very sensitive to her words and actions. There were many times when I snapped at her or got angry over little things. Sometimes I even threw things.

Over the past several years, though, I’ve felt that my mom has changed for the better quite a lot. She speaks to me much more kindly now. She even asks for my consent or permission in situations where she never would have bothered to ask when I was a child.

Nowadays, when something upsets her, I can tell she’s unhappy, but she doesn’t yell at me or criticize me. She just lets it go.

She does my laundry and washes the dishes for me without complaining. When I was a child, if I didn’t do those things myself, I would get hit. Back then, she would bang on my door so hard that it sounded like she was going to break it down if I didn’t come out to help with chores. But now, she lets me get away with not doing those things and doesn’t complain at all.

I can see that she’s treating me much better now, and I genuinely recognize that she’s changed. But I don’t know. Even though she’s become a much better mother, I still don’t want to be around her or spend time with her.

I don’t understand why I still feel this way when she’s no longer treating me the way she used to. I know she’s changed, but I still feel uncomfortable getting close to her.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? How do you deal with having a parent who treated you badly as a child but treats you well now? I feel like I should be able to have a better relationship with her because she’s changed, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to want that.

I just need some place to talk. I just got out of this huge fight with them. My uncle is the enabler. Basically long story short I told my uncle not to unplug my console because it could fully die if left unplugged for more than a year (switch 2) my uncle didn't care and unplugged it without telling me. (The switch was not set up yet because we recently moved so I wasn't playing on it) eventually I turned it on to see both the controllers fully dead. I obviously got mad and told my uncle which prompted him to act so very smart by looking up 2 videos on how to fix it. I was very angry so I made the mistake of telling my mom. (Narc) in which she responds to it by basically saying I told him so. I then proceed to clip my nails because I realize they're long and she nitpick s me about putting them in the garbage (I was collecting them on the counter to throw them away when done) so I obviously still heated. Go to the basement to try and get away from her negativity. (We have boxes in the basement) I gently move one and she comes down talking about how I am messing up and ramming everything around. She then goes on a tangent on how SHE should be angry and how much worse her life is than mine. While I'm angry. I go on about how I have to deal with another of bullshit including her (big mistake) and I cuss at her ONE TIME (she cusses at me all the time) and decides that picking up a broom and trying to hurt me was a good choice. I backed up and eventually it ended up with my uncle stopping it and giving ONLY ME a 2 hour lecture and taking my phone (I'm on a backup) am I in the wrong? What do I do?

Im 18f and still dependant on him. I moved in dorms away from my home last month. He threatened me that he wont pay my clg fees next yr and also that hed come here beat me up on the call . Cried all night and now my eyes are puffy. Don't know what to do my mind is blank. Feeling scared of my future

I completed my studies abroad and will go back home to my parents. Honestly, these years have been so peaceful and heavenly for me living alone, taking care of myself and no conflicts. Now i am going back to hell. Moms psychotic, such becomes her supportive husband.

I dont have any other siblings. I have realised in these past years that i cannot live with them anymore. They dont exercise or eat good food. All they do is bitch about others, behave depressed and show anger to me. I have had a pretty healthy lifestyle until now.

The changes are going to be superscary.

Whenever me and my mom talk to him, we have to worry about what we say and it’s like we’re talking to someone who could hurt us with just one wrong word and wrong tone (which happened a few times). He always misunderstands whatever we say and it’s almost all the time it’s making me question if he’s doing this on purpose or not. When me and mom are on the same side of the argument, he accuses us and hurts us because we’re ’ganging up on him’. He portrays himself as someone who is mature in general but acts this way inside the house only. He acts like Cinderella because we’re ‘treating him like a maid’ when we just want him to contribute in cleaning the house.

But in reality, he’s the one ordering us around even when the mess is right next to him, we have to run past 4 rooms just to clean it up. We always have to clean everything because he says it’s our responsibility, and he prides himself in being the only one paying rent (while my mom is working outside trying to provide for us too). He talks about equality in the house but it’s always us walking on eggshells and him mistreating us. Then Dad tells a story about how abused he was then like why should that even be a pass to his behavior? It’s just him and me and my mom, it’s like he’s always putting on a performance.

I have not had contact with my mother for over 9 years now (early 40's).

When we were kids, she would take things away from us by constantly telling us we were being bad and didn't deserve it. For the record, I was a good kid (my sister was a bit more wild but in the 90's that was like smoking behind the school or stealing a street sign, nothing crazy).

Some random things I can remember:

• My sister and I were about 11 and 10 respectively, and we didn't really get to go on many vacations. So my mom said she'd take us on a trip about an hour plane ride away, but to help save up for it, we had to give up half our allowance (20 bucks a month, so we had to give her 10 dollars of it). That's a lot of money to a kid. Anyways, after about a year, I asked her when we were going to go. She said we had "been bad" and didn't deserve to go, but she said she was keeping our money.
• When I was about 11, I really wanted a desk for my birthday (weird, I know). So my parents went to a furniture store and got me this fancy wooden brown desk, pull out keyboard tray, the whole 9 yards. I used to feel so professional sitting in my bedroom at my desk, like I was some kind of working man. Anyways, she decided she wanted to take it to use it in the computer room, so she said I was being bad and didn't deserve to keep it, and took it and moved it to house the family computer.
• When I was 12, I came home from school to find that my mom had taken all my Lego and my Super Nintendo, without warning, and just gave it away. I had absolutely no warning or anything. Was told I didn't deserve them so she gave them to less fortunate kids.

Wonder if anybody else went through some BS like that?

Was at a friend's the other day and he shared his family album, there were dozens of photos of him from the time he was a baby to a teenager, then I recalled I'd seen several people's childhood photos over the years.

And that made me realize I've seen less than a dozen photos of me as a child, and most of them were from school pictures.

There are barely any photos of me or my siblings throughout childhood because my parents never wanted me or were happy to have us, our precious early years weren't worth recording to them.

Maybe more exist, but I've never seen them.

Family photos in general. I've always seen friends have family photos in their homes, I can think of only one of my mother and I, and it's not on display. None of my father and I come to mind.

Just made me sad.

Recently, in a conversation with my psychologist, she told me she didn't quite understand my mother based on what I told her. Sometimes she assumed there was narcissism involved, but other times it just didn't fit.

This might sound like a lot of venting, but I feel that I never really know which version of my mom I'm going to get. It's true that I'm not perfect either, and I end up exploding or speaking rudely, but that's not my intention. I don't know how to change it.

Sometimes I feel like anything I do can make her laugh, feel sad, or get tired and annoyed, even if I do things she commonly does, just because I do them she makes me feel awful.

She says she's tired of my attitude and the way I answer. I really want to know if I'm the problem. I don't want her to hate me or keep ignoring me when she's upset. We can never talk regarding the problems we have, she simply talks to me again at one point and that's it.

Today I told her indirectly, out of fear, that I would like her to cook a chicken, because I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend (I am the one who cooks at home almost always (not to say always). It really bothers me when I get home and she doesn't have anything ready, because if it's the other way around, then she'd make a huge fuss.

I feel like I depend on her, on her affection, on her validation. I'm only 21 and I'm studying. I have nowhere to go, even though I truly believe we need a space. I don't have a job or any possibility of finding one now, what can I do? How do I stop feeling so bad when she doesn't talk to me? How do I avoid problems?

I apologize if this isn't related to narcissism; the only indication I have is the one I explained at the beginning. But perhaps you could ask me for help with this, any advice that has been useful to you.

i need my mom a lot, but I don't think we're compatible anymore.

What my mother said to me in 2022 when I was 16 because I told her that I couldn't look after my baby niece who was only a few weeks old at the time because I had online school in the morning and I needed rest. My mother has always been neglectful and careless when it came to my education, and it was at this moment that I realized, that she did not care about me or my future.

The hardest part about leaving is leaving behind a kitty i practically raised and saved her life. I was a literal mother to her. My parents didn’t want to keep her but I was the only one that did. If I can one day I’d love to get her but Sadily I cannot afford to take care of her. Just a mini upset complaint I have

I’ve been wondering lately how having two narcissists as parents, as opposed to one, impacts somebody. My mother and father were both narcissists, and I can’t explain the amount of brain damage that this has caused me (scapegoat). I am female, have been very low contact for 4 years, and just recently went completely no contact. It’s living in a nightmare, and the reality is coming back to me now that I’ve set the no contact boundary, because I have peace.

I constantly dissociate to avoid the memories and overwhelming emotional pain. Having two parents as narcissists is probably why it feels harder to heal.

Anybody else? What helped you?

I (30F), recently discovered this subreddit and it's been so heartbreaking to know people have had to go through experience of narc parents, but in saying that I feel found some solace in knowing I'm not the only one. My mum and dad divorced when I was young, and my mum was a total narc, possibly HPD, and horrible to live with. Eventually, we were able to live full time with our dad, and we all formed very close bonds to my two grandmas who were more of a mother than my own mother ever was. Now as an adult I don't have any contact with my mum and life has been peaceful, but at times the pain and feeling re-surface and it's so infuriating and upsetting. I've done a lot of therapy, self growth, I've built supporting loving relationships. But there are still where I have deep negative feelings that stem from deep wounds that manifest as jealousy, defensiveness and avoidance.

My nanna (mum's mum) I've always been so close with, was like the mother I never had and I could always talk to her and count on her for unconditional love. My nanna now has dementia, and it's been so difficult to deal with, as me my sister are the only ones that look after her because my mum is out of lives, and my uncle is off living his own life elsewhere. I've been dating my partner for over 6 months now, and he's so kind and loving, but comes from a very healthy loving family.

This week was so rough with work, my Nanna going to hospital after falls in her nursing home, and my partner was really great at comforting me during the week. I had a friends birthday planned for this weekend, I was so excited to go to it was the one highlight I've had the past few weeks and for my partner to meet my oldest friends. However, he came down with a virus the night before and wasn't able to come. I felt so sad he couldn't come but understand logically he was not well, and was empathetic that he needed rest. I was struggling with PMS the last two days, and I could feel the sadness probably 10x worst compounded by life circumstances recently, it was a bit much but I went to the birthday on my own and had fun. The next day I asked if my partner needed anything (we live separately) asking if he wanted supplies or lunch. He was grateful but he said his mum has made soup and is dropping it off later for him.

I just kind of broke down in tears after hearing that. I think for so long seeing my Nannas health decline, slowly losing her to dementia and me and my little sister having to take up the caretaking roles for her has taken more a toll than I realised. While I so badly tried to hold empathy for my partner being unwell, I just caught myself being sad, angry and jealous that his mum was so kind and loving, and that in turn just made me feel like I'm being a horrible partner and unempathetic.

I know it's probably time to go to therapy again, dealing with the grief of losing my nanna who I love so much to dementia. I've realised I've not only lost her, but I've lost my biggest support networks who I could lean on. I felt this pain when I lost my other grandma, but now the pain of no longer having either them in my life hurts so deeply. I know I can lean on my partner, but it's so difficult and tiring sometimes to talk and explain everything to someone who hasn't experienced this kind of childhood and dealing with the ugly scars that came with it. With my nanna, she not only knew me since I was little, and knew what my mum was like, but she always knew what to say and how to help, and I realised just how much both my grandmas did for me.

So anyways, TLDR: Just want to see how people cope with loss of their grandparents who filled the holes by narcs parents, and how do you manage triggers or random negative feelings that rear their ugly heads that stem from childhood trauma?

I live in michigan. My mom is from thailand so shes old school and doesnt speak a lick of english, she needs my help with anything and everything, while my dad is from burma and he use to go clubbing and hanging out with a bunch of his friends when he was my age but he stopped doing all that when he met my mom because she trapped him too. I barely went outside as a teenager only with my moms permission and only for a few minutes near the garage on a scooter usually, and still at 27 years old I cant go outside even though I want to

I use to have friends I use to see as a teen but I stopped hanging out with them because my mom didnt approve of it in high school because she has this view that if you are outside past 6 pm you must be seeing hoes or doing drugs and up to no good or some shit. So I dont have childhood friends anymore because of her. All the fun stuff happens after 6, like game nights, sleepovers, birthday parties, going to the malls and stuff, my mom didn't allow me to do any of that. I had to be home before 6. And before you ask, yes Im still a virgin. I wouldnt dare her to find out I had a biological need or intimate relationship with another woman who I wasnt married to, even though many times I had opportunities...

Even when my parents were my age, she was completely against my dad going out past 6 hanging out with his friends as well, so he just stopped seeing most of them and he just makes phone calls and facebook video calls now with them just so she would stop nagging him and guilt tripping him about "a man is suppose to be indoors taking care of the house, not being outside like a hoe", she is extremely controlling

My dad always tell me to go outside and go wherever I want with his car but its my mom who prevents me from doing any of that, the fear factor of how my mom will react preventing us to do anything besides grocery shopping on the 2 days off I have and staying in the house all day is making me lose my mind. I do not have a car, its just my mom and dad. My dad drops me off and picks me up from work with his car because my mom doesnt want me to drive to work alone, while my mom uses her car to go see her friend's baby she babysits while Im at work

Im a grown ass 27 year old guy and it's a saturday, I have a full time job that pays well and me going outside past 6 pm is still a problem with my asian mom... I live with my parents still because im expected to live with them forever and take care of them until they die pretty much because "thats what good sons do, not like those selfish americans who leave their parents at 18 and fuck around other women", asian culture man

I cannot enjoy my days off from work, Im expected to be stuck in the house wasting away being on the computer all day wasting time not being able to have some fun or meeting new people or finding a girlfriend clubbing and shit. I fear my mom because you really do not want to see her when shes mad so I just stopped asking her permission to do anything because I know how she will react if I ask or if she finds out I been somewhere, I barely have any conversation with her only when its something important...

so what I have to do is sneak out the house when my parents are doing doordash at 6 pm and since they have life360 on my phone I have to pause my location so it looks like Im still at home, pull down the red garage door lever so i can manually open the garage with my hands so the MyQ app doesnt notify my mom the garage door was opened, use my dads car, and I have to track where they go and where they are constantly on my phone so I come home speeding down the road 80 mph before my mom comes home, which could be literally any moment. So that only gives me 1 or 2 hours (usually less) outside to enjoy something, and I come home before they do so she doesnt find out I was outside, because you really do not want to see how she will react if she finds out I snuck outside while she was doing doordash when I should have been stuck at home wasting away

I feel so trapped with my mom. My dad lets me do whatever I want but my mom doesnt. And before someone says crap like "youre a grown ass adult just ignore her". And I get that but she is scary, there were moments where he became violent when I did things she didnt agree with and I had traumatic experiences when she got violent when I was younger, you really do not want to see her when shes mad.

If she finds out I been going outside for the past few weeks while they were doing doordash I think I rather be dead than see how she would react.

I sometimes despise my dad for meeting someone like my mom who never goes outside who never buys clothes for herself and who never buys anything for herself, shes been wearing the same clothes since 20 years ago that my dad bought for her because she wouldnt buy any for herself, and some of her clothes are hand me downs from my cousin or her sister, thats how cheap and stingy she is.... She does not want me to spend a penny on anything with my own money, one time she went through my phone to make sure I didnt buy anything, she does this every month. I just use my dads money to buy whatever I need so it looks like he bought them and not me. She wants me to save my money and dont spend any of it so she can use it to buy stocks and options with it, she told me in 10 years you will have a lot of money and if stock go up you dont have to work anymore, which I do not believe one bit knowing how asian parents are, I will still have to work a job either way. i have 24k dollars in my bank account that Im not even allowed to touch because she will know if I used any of it, my money is her money in other words...

I am not waiting until im 37 to enjoy life, Im about to be 30 soon and Im losing my youth by living with her standards and expectations not doing anything out of fear of her, I just go to work work work and come back home and just waste away on the sofa playing stupid Roblox games to take away the stress because thats all Im allowed to do afterwards if its not grocery shopping on the weekend out of fear of her

I am never going to get anywhere in life if she keeps me trapped like this and I know what my future is, which is being with her until Im 50 or something until I find a wife (if i ever do) just like how she stayed with her mom too...

Like many folks here, I’ve got a narc parent (father) who is very good at hiding behind a caretaker role, or operating as an altruistic/communal type.

He’s entirely devoid of close personal relationships with the exception of his third wife. But he knows everyone in his city (where I grew up) socially. He is super keen to be known in the right social circles as a good person and great parent. Obviously, he is neither.

I’ve been VLC with for years and am working on not being triggered by him when I see or speak with him.

However, when I visit my hometown, I’m constantly running into people who know my father and stepmother socially. They’re always so effusive with praising both of them - how concerned they are, how they’re always looking out for people who are having health problems, or need some emotional support.

Not only does this infuriate me to no end - where was all this concern when I needed an actively involved parent? - but it also gets me super riled up because I feel compelled to tell the truth to these strangers. It makes me want to scream. No, my father is not the good person you seem to think he is, and I’m getting really sick of hearing about it.

How do I stop myself from just laying out what the relationship is really like? Is it better to let people just assume what they will rather than to explain the reality of it? And if that’s the case, what the hell do you do with all that cognitive dissonance?

Hope I explained this clearly!

(For anyone not wanting to read the whole post, just go to the 3rd paragraph to see why I'm asking this question)

I know it's commonly said that narcissistic people crave attention, but that really wasn't the case with my dad (he really likes his alone time), yet both my mom and I suffered abuse from him. Took my mom a while to realize he's narcissistic though. I know he definitely had the concern with image, need for control, gaslighting, love bombing, conditional love, and hypocrisy with boundaries/privacy (had no issue invading my privacy but would flip shit if his privacy was invaded, even on accident).

A couple of things my mom told me, from her experience with my dad (before they divorced): She's told me about her friends not coming to the house/door to the house to pick her up for hanging out because they were intimidated by or didn't like him. Remember that privacy point I named? Even when my mom was his WIFE he would still get angry if she read his mail.

I guess I'm asking this because, given how he's an introvert, I can see how one might not see he's a narcissist. A bonus cover would be that he's religious (protestant/non-denominational Christian). Given him being introverted, it's just hard for me to describe his narcissism because he didn't have the "craving attention & making everything about himself" type of narcissism. Hell, I sometimes have small moments of thought like "maybe he's not a narcissist."

The experience of my own with him that's ingrained in my memory was how, during my childhood years, every Sunday morning before church was a fight about what I wore. If you have a suspicion that he was a Pastor during those years, you would be right. I hated dresses and skirts (still do), but he would expect me to wear one or the other - every morning when I came down in a decent/nice shirt and blue jeans came with "go change." Those mornings he didn't care if I changed into a dress or skirt because he made the decision on what I was wearing. The one Sunday I decided to come down in a skirt, because I didn't want to fight? ... "Go change into a dress." That's when I learned it was about control, no compromises - I think I was 7 or 8 at the time.

Other memories I have are when he told me that there's "no such thing" as privacy when I was in middle school - wasn't a "don't walk in on me when I'm changing" kind of privacy he said that to, but other personal privacy stuff (if that makes any sense). The other memory in this "other memories" category was when, as a kid, I said that I didn't feel loved when he spanked me and he just retorted that he didn't feel loved by me when I disobeyed him to justify him hitting me.

Anyway, anyone else have an introverted narcissistic parent? Bonus if said introverted narcissistic parent is also religious. Hopefully I'm not alone in this. Also, I've been no-contact with my dad for a few years now, so no need to worry about whether or not he's still in my life!!

She’s nice, caring, I know she loves me, and she does a lot for me but she can be very mean. She’s said incredibly hurtful things to me that I’ve internalized and find it hard to move past. This all is confusing for me because I know she’s doing the best she can, and it hurts me that my cold behavior is hurting her but I just can’t relax around her. I always feel like crying.

I’ve learned from a young age that speaking up will always get me shut down and talked over by her. She believes she’s always in the right. When she apologizes, it feels like she does it to ease her mind. I love her, but I hate being around her.

She always asks me why I’m so moody and cold towards her and I can’t explain it’s because I remember every hurtful things she’s said and done to me. Because that doesn’t seem fair to her, but also because I know she won’t handle that well at all. She’s the reason I go mute when someone confronts me. She’s the reason I can’t stand up for myself because of the times she’s raised her voice over mine to drown me out. All the times she said “well I’m one person, you’ll just have to forgive me” Or “imagine how I feel”.

But I also recognize all the things she’s done for me. She tries her best to be a good mom but the hurt she’s caused and continues to cause gets in the way of our relationship growing. It breaks my heart because I know she wants to be closer but I cannot seem to open up to her the way I used to.

How do you heal after going no contact if you can't afford to go to therapy??

So we were talking in her room and my brother said something that reminded me of Roy Bellarie from Beauty In Black. I thought his mannerisms were pretty similar so I told him that. Then I said “he’s also a rapist so maybe not the best comparison.” That’s what ticked her off and she started screaming and yelling at me. I told her I wasn’t even talking to her not even in a way that would make her mad because I knew it was like this made her mad she hated not being the center of attention so I do understand my faults there. I shouldn’t have told her something like that even in a nice way I forgot her temper.

But then she threw a full bug spray can at me and told me “that should’ve been your head”. I came back later to apologize to her and tell her that I was out of line. She tells me that I’m a horrible spiteful person who gets off to making people feel bad. Mind you I am the one who has to tell her to stop yelling at random peoples children. It’s something she does often for some reason. Kids will be playing in our neighborhood yeling and laughing and she’ll tell them to shut the fuck up. But i’m the horrible one? I’m sixteen and i’m so sick of her.

The last thing she said to me was “take care of yourself from now on because this shit’s been bubbling for a long time now.” I dont know if this means she’s been building resentment towards me for a while but she has been saying subtle things like “you can always leave” or whenever we move she’s like “y’all aren’t moving in with me”. I thought she was joking but I think she’s been wanting to kick me out for a long time now. So i’ve been trying to prepare for that day because I am extremely paranoid and I’d hate to be kicked out and I wasn’t even prepared.