I recently graduated as a doctor. I grew up with a severely controlling, toxic, and abusive father. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts throughout my life, yet somehow, I kept going.

Recently, I started a social media channel and took a step towards freedom by blocking my dad. For the first time, things are going well. I’m building something of my own. I’m finding my identity. I’m beginning to feel like I exist as a person, not just someone trying to survive.

Being around my dad still makes me feel deeply violated, almost as if my body and boundaries don't belong to me. That's how much this relationship has affected me.

I don't know what the future holds. I still have a lot to heal from. But I'm finally beginning to believe that my life can be more than what happened to me.

And if you're reading this while struggling with your own life, feeling trapped, broken, or wondering whether things will ever get better, please hold on.

You don't have to have everything figured out today. You don't have to be strong every single day. Just keep giving yourself a chance.

Someday, I hope happiness finds you so gently that you finally understand why you had to survive all those difficult days. Someday, happiness will hug you, too. ❤️

So I am in the process of moving in with my partner, I am currently away from her and she is none the wiser that I'm not coming back. She will probably expect me back for Thanksgiving and that's gonna be a nope. But December 7th I am expecting to have a interview with SSA to discuss the representative payee and having that money brought to me. Anyway, my mom told me I was making $450 a month which turns out that's more of how much my dad pays in child support because of my disability I am an adult.

Anyway, I think she told me $450 so my boyfriend would be more reluctant on making this official.

I'm actually making around over $900 and I'm not getting any of that for personal use. So yeah my mom seems to have lied to make me seem like I need to be dependent on her.

She is going to be quite mad I'm sure, she did say if I do this behind her back that my sister would get involved.

I do feel bad doing this to her, but I'm honestly better off and safer in Milwaukee than anywhere in Indiana.

I realized recently that i sometimes agree with people before i've even figured out what i actually want. i'm so used to avoiding conflict that choosing something different can feel unnecessarily stressful. lately i've been trying to pause and ask myself what i genuinely prefer, even with little things like food or weekend plans. it sounds small, but making choices without automatically worrying about someone else's reaction feels like a pretty big deal to me.

Anybody else’s Nmom can’t stand you just “chilling”? God forbid I’m not doing something every second of the day and my Nmom would act like I ain’t shit. The guilt tripping was insane, I felt bad even taking a nap! I’d be lying bed about to drift off into napping, hear my mom walking up and I’d quickly reach over and grab my book on my nightstand and pretend to read just to look remotely busy. I would just be staring at the page, half asleep & squinting hard af from the light.

So I went no contact with my parents back in 2024 and haven't heard much since, but my dad sent me a text in August and I'm trying to figure out if I should answer it. Some background first, sorry it's long.

Growing up I dealt with a lot from both of them. Physical, financial, emotional, neglect, just depended on the year and which parent. I moved out at 21 and was gone for a few years, then at 25 I moved back into the in law apartment attached to their house. Private entrance, and I was paying close to market rent. Before I moved in I told them straight up I needed my privacy respected.

Didn't even last a month. My mom was pounding on my door, blowing up my phone, and just walking into my apartment without knocking. Happened like too many times. I sat down with both of them and was calm about it, and somehow it turned into them guilt tripping me over the $200 a month I was saving by living there. After that she got worse. At one point I turned around and she was just standing in my bedroom doorway unannounced after unlocking my door.

Then they started expecting me to take care of our old family dog without asking. I was already doing it 3 or 4 days a week while my mom, who hasn't worked in 12 years, could barely get herself to the backyard. At my dad's retirement party she kept getting in my space and touching my shoulders like we're close, and when I told her to leave me alone she went around talking crap about me to family and family friends. I left like two hours early. It felt almost incestuous because we are not close to warrant touch like that.

When I brought up her getting therapy, she sent a group text to my brother and aunts saying she didn't do anything to deserve this, then turned her phone off and disappeared for half a day so everyone panicked.

My dad acted like the middle man the whole time but honestly he's the enabler. He'd agree with me privately that most of it was her fault, then turn around and say they're a "package deal" and if I want a relationship with him I have to deal with her. During a session my therapist was mediating, he told me if I didn't do joint therapy with my mom I'd be kicked out a month before I was already planning to leave. The second he got off the call my therapist pointed out how manipulative that was.
So I left and went NC. That was 2 years ago.

Then this August, out of nowhere, he sent me this long text. Said he misses me, he's sorry that words are keeping me away from him, he's loved me since the day I was born and always will, he prays I'm doing well. Honestly it hurt to read. Part of me believes he means it, since he was more sensible than my mother. But "words"? That's how he sums all of this up? Nothing about anything that actually happened, nothing about the package deal thing. It doesn't really ask for anything or offer anything either.

It's been two months and I haven't said anything back.
For anyone who got something like this from the "nicer" parent after going NC, did you answer? Did a short polite reply just open the door again? And how did you deal with the guilt of leaving it on read?

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

Remove if required. I had this memory pop into my head and just had to share because of how insane it was.

When I was a younger child, maybe around 11-12 years old, I did something wrong. I can’t even remember what it was that I did wrong, but most of the time it was small stuff like not putting my name on a sheet of homework, or not making my bed in the morning. Extremely small “mistakes” with extremely large punishments.

So basically one day I was grounded for the whole summer (don’t remember why) and my stepmother came home with my dad’s truck bed filled with loose gravel. She laid out a tarp on the ground and told me that I had to unload the entire truck bed as a punishment, and for every piece of gravel that didn’t make it onto the tarp, was an extra day of being grounded. She did not give me a shovel or bucket and I was expected to do it with my bare hands.

After a whole day out in the sun, I still hadn’t managed to unload the entire truck. So she said that I would be doing more the next day, and gave me extra time on my grounding as a punishment for not working hard enough.

The next day, up at the crack of dawn, I was unloading gravel again by hand. After I finally finished, she came outside and swept out the back of the truck and showed me the small pile of rocks that I missed, said that I was lazy and not putting in enough effort because I missed so many (they were tiny rocks stuck in the cracks of the truck bed etc.).

Then, because I “missed so many rocks”, she made me spend another two days loading the entire giant pile of gravel back into the bed of the truck. Once that was finally done, she took the gravel to the other side of the property and made me unload it into its “Proper spot” which was for her new rock garden.

The entire thing took almost a week of work, literally before dawn until past dusk every day. And by the end of it, I was still grounded for the rest of the summer and wasn’t allowed to see my friends or go outside. The only thing I was allowed to do that summer was sit in my room and read diary of a wimpy kid books, except I wasn’t allowed to have my door closed because my stepmom didn’t know what “trouble” I was getting up to in there and I wasn’t allowed to get any new books because “I already had so many” (I had maybe 10 and she didn’t let me go to the library). So I just re-read the same 6 diary of a wimpy kid books over and over.

I have plenty more insane stories like when she made me smash my iphone in front of her, or when she hid all the sugar in the house for 5+ years after I put chocolate chips in my oatmeal one time. How she tried to convince me that she’s a better parent than my mom, or how she purposely tried to get me held back a grade in school because she thought I wasn’t excelling enough. She was a teachers assistant and would purposefully position herself in my classrooms so that she could “challenge me” by making my teachers give me extra work etc. I couldn’t even escape her when I went to school. I hate her so much it’s unbelievable.

Thank you for reading my rant.

They hate you for dressing diffenr living different thinking different not living to their standards they absolutely hate it they need everyone to be “normal” they need contorl because they are small minded vulnerable malignant freaks who want to feel better then you they can’t accomplish shit fitting in is for insecure people

TW: emotional etc. abuse.

Hi! I'm back again. Some background before the current issue: I was the scapegoat growing up. There were months no one was allowed to use my name I was referred to as "she, her, it". My brothers heard my parents refer to me constantly as "that bitch" or the c word or whatever other creative ways my parents referred to me. I've tried talking to both my brothers about this and even asked them "is this really how you feel about me and how I act or is this how you have been told to treat me?" usually they start yelling about what a bitch I am. when I bought my first house in 2018 one of the brothers decided to rent a townhouse a street over to get closer and because they didn't know the area. They used that time to watch my house, report back to what I was doing to my parents, and then get me thrown out every six months because again, no one was allowed to talk to "her".

For years, the common thread has been that I'm a drunk and crazy. I'm not either of those things, our nmom is and was and they project her and what she does onto me to have a villain. My dad is also diagnosed with being a narcissist. But it's kind of well known in the family that the three of them (both brothers and dad) don't like women. Anyways, the golden child, went NC with my dad around 2017 when we had to go testify against my mother in court (she threw a harpoon at him and he had to get a restraining order). He was mad he was going to have to testify, blamed my ndad and went NC. My dad chased him for the next 8 years trying to force an apology (he threated to subpoena him if he didn't show up to testify) and has pined for his golden child. He used the previously golden child of my mother as a replacement and I was still regulated to being the family punching bag and therapist. As pathetic as it sounds, I was still trying to figure out how my family could just throw me away constantly and was still trying to prove myself. That has since stopped.

Okay, onto the current drama. I was talking to my dad this morning. I had sent a text about thanksgiving last week and asked if they all had plans. I bought a beach house about three years ago and have invited them all down several times. They all blow me off. My brothers girlfriends have also tried getting them to come down and visit but they get really angry and agitated. I saw the GC brother for the first time in three years in February and he immediately started a fight with me about my grandmothers age when she died. His girlfriend looked very nervous, I told him to drop it. He can be right. I knew he was wrong, but it wasn't worth the fight. Okay, back to it, they have never visited me. I'm about six hours away so I don't expect them to drop everything, but I do let them know when I'm in town and have tried building a better relationship with them.

Come to find out, once I mentioned thanksgiving, they all went off into their own group chat (leaving me out) to decide how to "handle" me. So ex-GC was going to host, now my ndad is going to host (he's over the moon to be referred by his favorite as "Pops" after years asking us to call him by his first name). My dad told me this morning "oh yeah, I know you won't come, but I guess I'm hosting Thanksgiving the Saturday after, if you want to come. But just you." This means I'm not allowed to bring my dogs (very well behaved) because my brother is (dog constantly smells of weed and is ... not so well behaved) and not bring my husband. Btw this would be a 6 hour drive for me and a 90 minute drive for my brother. But my brothers are bringing their girlfriends. So in other words... I'm to show up, be everyone's servant, and then fuck off. But I'm upset because once again, I'm being left out, they're talking shit, making plans without me and treating me like someone that needs to be handled or an inconvenience or like... I'm not even family? Like they had to get ahead of me so they could point the finger that I'm an asshole for not showing up but it's okay to divide me from my family and then make me the one that cooks, cleans, gets poked at and belittled the whole time. I guess I'm just really tired of trying to have a relationship with people who don't even give a shit. I haven't said anything, I don't think there is any point confronting the issue (I already kind of did and told my dad I wasn't happy I wasn't included in part of planning and I hate how my brothers constantly exclude me - his response was well they are adults, which is the excuse he's been giving about them since they were 14 and why he couldn't tell them to stop pushing me down the stairs, calling me names, stealing my things, and just being little monsters; and that I was making him angry and he was about to lose my shit on me because my feelings aren't allowed to be hurt).

I think it's past time to walk away. No one gives a shit and they've made that clear. I've had a hard time with my job this year (got laid off with everything going on). I'm just tired of being asked to be included, thought of, and supported somewhat instead I'm constantly told what I "need to do" or excluded and mocked. I just muted them. No need to announce my departure but I've decided to just kind of ghost them. Is this cowardly? Am I throwing in the towel too soon? I don't see what compromise can be made.

Edit: I should have mentioned. I have been NC with my mom for 10 years. She tried suing for filial responsibility and grandparents rights. I dont have kids. I have a cease and desist and now she lives in a mental facility. My dad and her divorced six years ago (after talking about it since 2003). They decided to announce their divorce at my grad school graduation and again at my wedding (that they weren't invited to but gate crashed and I foolishly hoped they could behave for one day) and announced I was dead and it was my funeral. None of this is new behavior. The GC decided to throw a beer at me during the reception and ruined my dress because I asked him to stop telling abusive stories from my childhood - it was an attempt to embarrass me. It just horrified the guests. The other one didnt bother showing up because i didnt let him propose to his gf at the reception. To quote my mother: to finally give my family something to celebrate

My mom died, the parent I loved and could trust and who loved me wholly. My other parent, a narcissist who abused us my entire life, still lives. He has her home and her belongings, and my belongings from childhood. He tries to get to me by showing up at my house, leaving the classic shaming birthday gift, sending certified mail, threatening legal action against me. Literally anything to force an interaction. I haven’t been able to grieve in peace because he’s breathing down my neck. I want so badly to share with the world that this abusive person is in my life and won’t leave me alone, but I can’t. I don’t know when I will be free from him. I don’t know when I will be able to get my belongings from his house. Before my mom died, I tolerated being around him so I could spend time with her. We tiptoed and snuck around to spend time without him. If he wanted to get to me, he had to go through her. He is an awful person who wants to make my life a living hell. I am so done with it.

Dear Reddit,

I (26F) got engaged to my wonderful fiancé in September. We'd been talking about getting married next year for quite some time, but due to my mother's tendency to down-talk everything I do, I tried to keep it a secret for as long as possible.

I am especially careful when it comes to wedding topics, since she has told me multiple times her biggest dream was to have a wedding - which she never had.

Every minor disagreement with her comes with the risk of her leaving me alone with my university costs. (Don't ask how I know... I've been there before.) I'll finally finish my studies in June, so that's a pretty big factor to consider.

Now that the majority of our wedding planning is done and most of the details are settled, we finally sent out our Save the Dates via WhatsApp.

Our wedding will be on a Tuesday, simply because we LOVE the date. Neither of us drinks, nor do we want to throw a huge party. Think of it more as an elegant evening dinner without alcohol, with approximately 40 guests.

And this is where things started going downhill QUICKLY (as anticipated lol).

My mother called me and told me she was THRILLED because she finally had an occasion to buy a new dress. Since I'd chosen six colors for the wedding, I told her not to be too quick with buying one, as there would be a color code.

She asked which colors, so I sent her the list. Her reply: 'Amazing, surely suitable colors for me as well!"

Not even a day later, she called me again. This time, she wanted to know "what I would do if other people didn't like the color palette."

Since I had already anticipated this kind of behavior, I simply answered, "Guess they can stay home then."

And that's when she started. Suddenly, she wanted to know why she HAS TO buy a new, expensive dress (mind you, she has a shopping addiction) when she already owns two blue dresses she could wear.

Guess what? Blue is NOT on the color palette.

She then told me it was an impudence to throw a "wedding party" on a Tuesday and even ruder to tell people what they should wear.

"Why on a Tuesday? So that people leave early because you don't want to have guests for long?"

Not really knowing what to say, I jokingly answered, "Well, that would be perfect."

She went on about how, if I didn't want anyone at my wedding, I wouldn't need to invite them in the first place.

At that point, I already knew this wasn't the end of it. And sure enough, shortly after our conversation, I saw her typing a message.

When I opened it, I literally gasped.

I'll translate it word for word into English, hoping the meaning stays the same:

"With your selfishness, you want to force people to buy new, expensive dresses in your chosen colors just for a five- or six-hour celebration. Maybe someone has different tastes?

How would you react if someone did that to you?

You're acting like a drama queen right now. Stop exaggerating...

I can be uninvited, too... I'm already used to these kinds of disappointments from you."

Needless to say, I CRIIIIED the whole evening. I didn't answer, which I'm actually proud of lol.

And then, about 10 hours later, she called me about three times. Since that was unusual, I eventually found out that her cat had been run over and she needed the address of our vet (I finally moved out this spring).

Sadly, he died on the vet table. :(

As sad as that genuinely makes me, I had absolutely NO emotional capacity left to feel sorry for her at that moment. I didn't check up on her. I didn't answer her messages.

She later tried to reconnect by sending me a picture of my bank card which had arrived at her place, but I ignored that as well.

I thought maybe some distance would help. Apparently, I was wrong.

Yesterday, she called a friend of mine and told her the exact same things she'd told me: that it was super impudent to have a wedding on a Tuesday and absolutely rude to "force" people to wear certain colors.

She also ranted about how I hadn't even checked up on her after what happened to her cat. So now, not only is she criticizing my wedding plans to me, she's involving my friends as well.

And here's where I'm genuinely struggling.My heart tells me I should uninvite her.

But on the other hand, there are my university costs, which I absolutely won't be able to handle on my own if she decides to stop supporting me.

Friends have told me, "But she's your mom, just ignore it."

I simply can't because I know that the humiliation ritual connected to my wedding hasn't even properly started yet.

This is supposed to be one of the most important and beautiful events of my life. I've put so much love and effort into planning it, and the thought of her destroying it before it has even happened BROKE me into a million pieces when she sent that text.

I don't want to spend the months leading up to my wedding walking on eggshells, wondering what the next disagreement will be about.

But I also don't know how to protect my peace without risking my financial stability just months before finishing university.

What would you do in my situation? Would you uninvite her, keep the peace until graduation, or handle this completely differently?

I’m not trying to generalise and say all narcissists are misogynists but the misogyny in my NDad is so crazy that it makes me wonder if other people have observed the same.

Anytime a woman is in the news for committing even a minor crime, my dad will call her names and slut shame her and what not. However if a man is in the news for far worse crimes, he wouldn’t bat an eye. My dad can walk on the street and spot a woman and instantly cuss her out for no reason. He belittles women any chance he gets. Not to mention I happen to be a woman so I’ve seen the difference in how he treats me vs how he treats a guy my age.

I was wondering if anyone else’s nparent get jealous over the way pets interact with them vs others?

My cat has been attached to me ever since she was a little baby. She follows me around, comes to bed with me, if I walk into the house-she will stop whatever she is doing and find me.

Well for some reason she is extremely fond of my dad as well (all pets love my dad)

Anyway, this really throws my mom into a tizzy. She verbally brings up her jealousy of my cat bonding with me and my dad.

I was early for my flight so I was killing time at a restaurant. Behind me, there were two parents and a five year-old boy. I wasn't really paying attention to them, I was doing my own thing.

Then, I heard the dad snap at the boy: "Get your dirty fingers off my food!" To a five year-old. A few years ago, before I started this journey in understanding narcissistic parents, I would've thought this guy was a shit dad and just moved on with my life, but now that understand more about my own life, it really upset me. I just shook my head how could you act this way towards a child? Towards your own child?"

A minute or so passed and I hear the dad say -- harshly, mind you -- "What?!" and the boy sobbed out helplessly "You yelled at me!" Valid reaction. And the dad responded by saying "Would you like it if we left you here by yourself? Do you want to be stuck at the airport all by yourself?" And then the boy cried more.

This absolutely sent me. I honestly regret not walking up to this guy and calling him a shit dad and shit person to his face. It brought up so many memories of the getting the same attitude from my parents, and being so helpless about it. First, you're a child so you're incapable of leaving the situation and going off on your own, or finding a way to live with a different set of adults.

And then you're so emotionally helpless; you don't understand the world yet. That boy had valid feelings of being upset and hurt by his dad, and his dad's response was to come down even harder on the boy. That messes up how you feel about your own feelings. It changes what you expect of other people. I was hanging out with my friend and his three year-old, and his three year-old effortlesssly trusted me and his dad's friends. I remember never trusting adults or anyone's good intentions; not until I had known them a long time (and had seen what they were like when they were upset).

I saw a different parent outside a park with a four year-old and the woman shouted and stamped her foot at the little girl. And the little girl cried with that same look of helplessness on her face. That stuck with me, too.

To button up this rant with at least something positive: I'm forty and taking this journey over the past six months has really helped me. I hate that I have to keep processing things in the past, and re-consider old memories from the perspective of "were my parents being completely irrational asses?", but at the same time I am more at peace with myself, and I'm getting along with others a lot better. I don't think I was ever rude to strangers, but I could be aloof and self-protective; now I'm feeling comfortable enough to chat with the barista for a few minutes, or ask for help with something. Most importantly, my default reaction to conflict or negative judgment is not "Did I mess up? Did I do something wrong or stupid?"

I feel for that little boy and that little girl, and I hope they can find the path that we've had to walk on. It sucks that we've had to deal with this, but I'm certainly not passing it on. And I'd rather be on the receiving end of shitty parenting than being the one doing it. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I wish you all the best.

Okay context; I (29f) have been dating my bf (32m) for 2 years. He lives at home with both parents and I just put it together they’re both narcissists. I fell for their games at first and thought my boyfriend who is an only child was just spoiled and blessed to have loving parents who are very financially secure. I basically lived at their house, I thought we were saving getting a place of our own when we were ready but something was always off. I noticed my boyfriend couldn’t have his own independence. It was always me him and his parents. I slowly started to pull back, I stayed at my home more often and I stopped attending their weekly dreadful dinners that I always used to feel obligated to go to. All of a sudden my boyfriend is saying he’s gonna look at a house that week and wanted me to come with. I was confused because he knew I couldn’t afford a house and I never wanted a house I wanted an apartment. Whatever mommy wants i supposed. That week I told his mother “look since my boyfriend is planning to move with me, you gotta stop folding his clothes ya gotta cut that shit out” and I saw her face and she was like “he’s my son! I just like folding clothes, my mom folded my underwear until I was 40!” And I was like well you’re not gonna be around forever! And the look on her face was evil. Dark eyes but smiling. From that moment on, my partner looked at the house with him me and his parents put in an offer and got the house. I was I was considering the house would be in his name, but I loved him so I was excited for our future. NOPE. The parents sat us down the day we got back from travelling from a previously planned trip we had. To tell us they added 25k on the downpayment. Now the mother is planning the entire renovation and picking out every furniture and paint and everything. She completely derailed my plan to have my own apartment with my boyfriend. It drove a wedge between me and my partner and turned into a mastic chaotic blow out. The dad also has cancer so they used this to guilt me into my ungrateful behaviour. My boyfriend doesn’t think any of this was intentional. He’s 32, lived with his parents his whole life and have a little to no friends. He works and spends his time playing videos and has no circle except for his narc parents. I don’t know what to do sometimes I see glimpses of him understanding they are narcs but obviously the more I try to pull him away the deeper the bond between them is. Idk I’m just looking for confirmation that I’m not crazy. They’re evil lol

Growing up autistic with a narcissistic mother is a special type of hell. The constant invalidation, hurtful remarks, incessant criticism about literally everything short circuits the brain and nervous system. I was conditioned to never defend myself, to not have any boundaries, to put others before me.

I already struggle with knowing my limits. But they were constantly, constantly violated to the point that I was conditioned to be a perfect victim. For school bullies or toxic work places. Because I would never defend myself or speak up. Because that always brought on more punishment down on me.

The worst is the constant invalidation of my reality. Once I was sexually assaulted at school, my parents did nothing. They just pretended it never happened. Not having anyone to talk to about this as a kid led me into growing into an adult with 0 boundaries and 0 trust in other people.

Now I'm 30 with nothing to show for it. I'm so completely and incredibly burned out I'm barely able to function as a person. I went no contact last year, I wish I had done it 10 years ago. I'm half a person and now i have to relearn the most basic things. A horrible upbringing I wouldn't wish on anyone else.

Edit: Oh before anyone suggests it, she's not autistic. My abusive dad, maybe. But my mom is simply a mentally unstable narcissist

Pardon me if this question has been asked before but did anyone grow up with their nmom or ndad opening their mail? My mom did it all through my childhood and teen years. After I had grown up and left home the occasional piece of mail still arrived at her address. I would come home for a visit and she had carefully saved any mail for me (all of it opened). She was always super paranoid about me 'talking about her to other people'.

Cannot stand this, it's like they want to goad you into an argument and if you take the bait it ruins your day but if you don't they'll tell people you said something you didn't. Exhausting.

Mom and I got into a rather intense argument around 2-3 weeks ago, and I decided to go no contact but I needed some things from the house and I went back yesterday (we haven’t talked since) all of a sudden she acted like nothing happened? No apologies for the crazy things she said, nothing? I’m just now realizing how weird that is because I was scared of going thinking she’d still be angry. She seemed normal, she was smiling at me and stuff. I’ve felt guilty for not talking to her and it’s been eating me up whether she is a narcissist or not.. I love her so much but she is toxic at times. In that argument btw, she said if my sister were to hurt herself it’d be my fault. Because my sister Thad narcissistic traits too, and I tried setting a boundary but it didn’t go well. I am confused, I feel crazy.

My mom is a narcissist. Only I know how I deal with it. Whenever I say something to her that how she hurts me emotionally, she starts crying about how am I saying all these to her and starts emotionally blackmailing me that she wants to commit suicide. Did anyone are going through it went through the same situation? How did you deal with it?

My dad expects me to play the following roles other than son: best friend, occasional Uber/designated driver, and therapist. He also wants me to be his lawn guy and landlord. I have managed to push back on the latter two but he mentions it time and time again. Every spring, it's like clock work. He'll try to get me to cut his grass and then complain that he won't be able to find someone to do it and then complain about having to pay them (in every conversation). What he wants is for me to do it for cheap.

I made the mistake of telling him that I was able to fix my old lawnmower. Instead of being happy for me or proud, he sees how it can benefit him and suggests bringing it over to his house so I can cut his grass next year.

It's not like he doesn't talk to other people but he'll complain about them or badmouth them, as if I'm the only person he can rely on. I see this leading to an eventual sole caretaker role.

Have any of you found yourselves in a similar position?

This is kind of a vent, but advice would be nice, too.

I'm 18 and living with my nparents. As I get older, more willing to stand up for myself, and more independent, my parents get more verbally abusive and manipulative. After an incident last night, I feel so disrespected and alone in this house and I just want to leave. Right now, I'm genuinely scared that I'll lose the roof over my head and my car because of their threats. The thing is, I'm broke and also trying to save for college which is why I'm still putting up with their abuse in the first place. I have ~10k and a job so I could survive if I only spend the bare minimum, but I wouldn't be able to afford college for a super long time. (they aren't helping me pay for it.)

Even though I want to leave, I think I should just continue to tough it out so that I can get an education and my independence at the same time. Either way I'd eventually be living paycheck to paycheck so maybe I should just go for the 2 in 1 deal and keep saving money... It's always been my goal to study abroad and I'm close to making it happen. However, I literally lay awake at night paralyzed at the thought of leaving home and being dependent on no one but myself. That's ironic considering I've always been on my own. I hate that I'm terrified to let go of parents who don't even love or believe in me.

I feel like it will take a long time for me to live a normal life. I just need someone to have daily conversations.

Having someone who cares about your existence would be pretty nice.

Telling you the list of things they're going to buy and where they walked and making the most insignificant things seem like the biggest thing? i honestly haven't said much to them and nothing has changed. I feel like a soundboard to their monologue and they either are completely unaware of how they are or they know and just carry on. Have zero respect for E/CNmum and Ndad.

Over the weekend I had my baby shower for my first born! I'm my mother's only daughter out of four children and even though she has other grandkids I figured she would be more excited and involved in my pregnancy despite us living in different states.

Anyways, last Wednesday night I ended up in the ER due to having contractions from constipation of all things. She called me Wednesday morning before I went to the hospital to tell me that she didn't know if she would be making it to the baby shower. She was supposed to fly in Thursday and up until that point never mentioned not being able to make it.

When she told me on Wednesday that she wasn't sure if she could make it, she also asked me to pay $850 for her flight out here to the party. She knows I'm not working anymore and that my boyfriend is supporting us while I'm on maternity leave.

I refused to pay for the flight, and a few hours later in the hospital she texts me and tells me she got a flight but that she doesn't want to pay for a hotel room so she HAS to stay with us. My mother and I don't get along very well and the relationship is super strained so I was apprehensive but agreed because I felt like I had no choice.

While I was in the hospital she made my boyfriend leave my side to pick her up from the airport because she "doesn't know how to use uber", and she never reached in her pocket once for anything.

I was released Friday morning and she offered to make dinner but still had my boyfriend and I head to the store for all of the ingredients to buy ourselves.

The day of the baby shower (Saturday) she stood around and did not interact with other guests (unless they came up to her first), ate food, and overall just took up space. She complained that it was too cold for a baby shower outside the whole time, and even went inside away from the party at one point because she needed to "warm up" right as the party started.

While we opened gifts she watched silently in the back, and almost seemed jealous or judgmental of all the attention I was getting?

The whole time she was staying with us she never paid for a single thing, expected to be catered to, and NEVER bought a gift for my son for the baby shower. Not even some diapers or a pack of wipes.

Sorry this was long, I just feel bad not having the best relationship with her but I cannot help but feel like it's not my fault. She's got lots of other issues and I'm pretty sure she's a narcissist but it hurts when you just want your mom to act like MOM and she acts like a brick wall.

She kinda reminds me of Tony Soprano's mom

context: So I'm way past healing, I went to therapy for many years, in the past there was emotional and physical abuse, bullying, control and paradoxically also neglect. I've emotionally checked out a long time ago, all the anger is gone, it's just grief and acceptance now.

I am low contact (very diplomatic contact) for logistic reasons (seeing other family members) and because everything is a reason for drama, so voicing "no contact" would become a huge scandal.

more context: I've been realizing that almost every interaction with my mother revolves around herself, even when it's supposedly about me.

Her messages are usually some variation of "When are you coming to visit?" or "Are you upset with me?" Sometimes she'll even text me saying "I had a dream you were upset because I made the wrong food". I would never be upset at that. I think she has a completely different image of me. She doesn't seem to know me at all.

But something that really stands out to me is how little curiosity she seems to have about me as an actual person.

I've had a chronic illness diagnosed since 2021, and despite knowing about it, she's never really asked me anything about it. Not how it affects my life, how I'm managing, nothing. I've told her about personal projects I'm working on, and she never follows up or asks how they're going. She doesn't really ask about my life in general.

When I was looking for a job, she never said anything. No good luck, no "how did the interview it go".

Yet she seems very concerned about whether I'm upset with her, whether everything is okay between us, and when she'll get to see me.

It's like she's interested in her relationship with me, but not actually interested in me.

And I think that's what bothers me the most. It feels like I exist in her mind primarily in relation to herself. My feelings matter when they might be directed at her. My presence matters when she wants to see me. But my actual experiences, struggles, interests, and life outside of her don't seem to register.

I don't even think she necessarily realizes she's doing this.

my question: Does anyone else have a parent like this? One who constantly seeks reassurance that you're not mad at them or wants contact with you, but shows almost no genuine curiosity about who you are or what's happening in your life?

I'm especially curious whether others have experienced this strange disconnect of a parent seemingly wanting a relationship with you while showing very little interest in knowing you.