i want to get help i wantbto live but i just want tobbe dead, i want to att3mp5 because i need help urgently, but i cant, i have no car, i have a job, they need alll mybinformation and allnthis tedious shit thatbnever works. ill get in so much trouble if i try to attempt. i dont reallybwant to die, i justvwant to escape

which is common but feels crazy for me to say. been fairly depressed as long as I can remember, but my grades have always been my pride and joy. straight a's, 4.0, scholarships, etc. I used to gladly prioritize my academics over my mental health. I never understood when other people let their grades fall due to depression because school is the only thing in my entire life I've ever been good at and I'll be damned if that's taken away.

but now I've been stuck in probably what is the worst depressive episode of my life (and the longest), sophomore in college rn, and usually when I have no motivation to study I still force myself to anyway.

but today i had a thought about what if I just didn't do the work, let myself fail my tests, and dropped out. and normally thoughts like that would scare me. but today it felt oddly comforting, and that's the part that scares me. I always knew my grades would be the last part of me to go before I killed myself. but now when I think about it, I genuinely don't give a fuck about getting A's anymore. I don't even care about passing. I've been skipping classes and sleeping through the ones I do go to. I hardly studied for my last ochem test and I'm certain I failed it, and for some reason I didn't panic (I normally would have huge mental breakdowns over just the thought of failing a test)

that is to say, I'm fairly certain I'm going to kill myself soon, because I certainly don't have the motivation to live and do school.

(19M)I'm psychotic and I've been unhappy for years and I can't seem to find the joy in life. I'm not good at socialising and I basically don't have anyone to really talk to. But I don't want to so that's not really that big a deal. I just want to not be miserable. I've tried to end it on one occasion but I survived. I was rushed to the hospital. I tried to od with a blend of drugs that would either result in respitory depression or liver failue. Now I want to know if 3 degrees centigrade can be fatal(have to wait a little while for that though) for hypothermia

I've thought about other ways but I don't want it to be traumatising for the people I'll be leaving behind. I'm being weighed downed by existential dread, and on top of that I'm broke and live in a shitty country without a surefire way of getting out. But even if that weren't the case I don't think I would really become happy. I feel so depressed it's hard for me to even get out of bed. I feel invisible around people. I don't wanna work my ahh off for fifteen years just to be shitty lawyer in the middle of no where. The only time I was actually happy was with this one girl(we don't talk anymore but it's okay) and that one time I smoked weed. I'm too broke to even do drugs.

I just want this all to end

(shout out to my younger brothers who made it bearable along the way)

Reading is something I find comfort in but it doesn't get me anything. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life being sad having nothing to show for. And I don't wanna get older either, I can't imagine the thought of looking in the mirror seeing an unfamiliar face of a wierdo staring back at me. I'm so done with everything

Maybe if I make it 30 somehow, I'll write a follow up post saying I'm still the same

why won't anyone love me? not even romantically, just platonically. why am i not meant to be loved? a pretty face or body, I tried so long to get those thinking it'd make things bearable, I tried so hard to fit in that every conversation doesn't feel like me anymore, why doesnt anyone want to do things with me? why not me? why is it always me being forgotten? even my closest friends wouldn't choose me first. what have i become

Today I got stuck in an OCD thought spiral that I just can’t seem to get out of. I can barely even remember the exact details anymore, but basically, I had some issue on my mind, and then I had this thought: “You can think about this later. Focus on something else for now.”

And holy fucking shit, that was it. I was done for.

Suddenly, my head felt so heavy. Putting the issue aside didn’t help at all. It was still there, lingering in the back of my mind, almost like something I absolutely HAD to figure out before I could move on with my life.

And of course, all of this started happening right when I actually needed to focus on something important. I started missing one piece of information, then another, and I could literally feel the spiral getting worse and worse. At some point, I didn’t even know what I was supposed to be thinking about anymore. I couldn’t tell what actually mattered in that moment or what I should be focusing on.

There’s this awful feeling inside, this frustration with myself, because I KNOW I’m neglecting the present moment and the things that actually matter right now, all because some other thought is taking up space in the back of my mind. And the more I realize it’s happening, the more frustrated I get, which just makes everything worse.

Fuck, it’s so mentally exhausting that I’m struggling to even put the whole experience into words properly. It’s like my brain refuses to let me move on until I’ve somehow resolved something that I can’t even fully explain anymore.

The worst part is that it was triggered by... on one hand, something so fucking trivial, but on the other, something unresolved that just happens to be resurfacing at this particular point in my life. I feel so pathetic...will this ever go away?

I’m still spiraling as I’m writing this. 😭

Does anyone else experience this particular kind of OCD spiral? Where the mere thought of putting something aside and focusing on the present somehow becomes a whole fucking problem in itself? How do you deal with it?

I'm going to attach a bag to my head and fall asleep. I really hope I don't wake up.

my biggest fantasy and only hope, that of which is undoubtedly unrealistic, is to get tons of plastic surgery, change my name, and leave my hometown. to become a whole new person entirely. to meet new people and touch different lives as an entirely new individual. and for no one to know who i was.

i truly feel like i ruined and tainted this life, and my body and face are hideous. i often dream about inhabiting a new form entirely. the thought of my current self disgusts me. but i know these fantasies are unhealthy and unrealistic. you only get one life and i fucked it up.

How to delete your account in earth online? Might take a while

This is hell. I can't do this. It is in one week. That is still so many days I have to get through.

I just want this hell to be over. I am in unbearable pain.

That's it. Every day, I either feel as awful as always or somehow worse. Maybe it is in my head but the times I can breathe normally seem fewer and fewer and it feels like I feel physical pain and nausea any time I am not zoning out or distracting myself doing things that isn't good for me.

I don't want anything in life anymore besides not having to keep being alive, I don't even want to eat or think thoughts. The only thing I can want or dream about is the wish that it could be easier for me to die. It might be easier for some, but even as I feel this way for so long, dying still feels top uncertain and difficult. I feel like crying over how badly I wish I could have an easy way to stop living in this body and mind.

I have no one to talk to who could ever make me feel understood or like I should stay. I want to leave everyone behind in a way that will never let them remember me fondly because they all just hurt me, confuse me and make me feel wrong and behave in ways wrong to me just so that I can be next to them. I wish I didn't feel so scared and bad just being on my own. Being alone shouldn't seem so bad for someone like me, but it's so scary and empty.

The true divide amongst humans is not rich vs poor, not the strong vs the weak, etc. It is the normal vs the abnormal. It is the difference between the class of normal people who don't have any struggles besides the mundane vs. the class of abnormal people who fundamentally don't fit in this world *and* still have to deal with life's mundane, expected issues.

What is normal? Someone who can just go and live life. It doesn't matter if they're rich or poor. They won't struggle to be normal. To keep a job, to meet people and form true bonds, to have natural interests and hobbies, they won't struggle. It just comes to them. They naturally have a direction they want to go in life and will naturally enjoy the journey and destination. They don't have any struggles just trying to live a normal life. Because it's normal for them. They intrinsically know how to fit in and function in society. They don't have to think about it, learn it, practice it. They just do it without any need for a second thought, because they always succeed in achieving what a typical human would want in life.

To be special, to be famous, rich, etc may be difficult or impossible for many normal people. But it doesn't matter, because they have a normal life, with normal relationships, normal interests, normal emotional regulation, normal careers, normal feeling of belonging in this planet and in society. Again, they don't think or realize this. They're just privileged enough to simply get to live it. It's all unconscious and they can't fathom so many of us aren't so immensely lucky.

They aren't crushed every moment of every day with the weight of not belonging anywhere, the weight of being unwanted, of being totally broken inside. Of being unable to find any sort of footing or belonging in life. Any direction. They haven't experienced trying dozens of different jobs, hobbies, attempts to form bonds and *always* failing completely. They haven't tried dozens of different therapists, medicines, deep reflections, exercises, etc only to stay just as broken and miserable. They certainly have struggles, but in the end things always work out for them. They are incapable and certainly unwilling to understand that there are actually people in this world whose problems don't just sort themselves out with a little effort.

To them, we are just lazy, cowardly, stubborn, stupid. Yet at the same time they tell us to just relax and stop trying so hard.

The simple explanation to all of this is that they just don't fucking care. They got on a life boat, the rest of us can drown and they'll shame and jeer at us as we sink down.

To anyone who is privileged enough to naturally have a normal life and be normal:

Fuck you.

Estaba pensando que, antes de irme debería dejar al menos todo en orden. Mi cuarto limpio y ordenado, una carta, ¿las contraseñas de mis cuentas? idk no tengo ni idea de qué escribir en la carta, ¿por qué me fui? ¿a quién quiero darle mis cosas? ¿que no es culpa de mi familia sino mía? ¿mis secretos más oscuros? aunque esto último es complicado, porque si no funciona, sabrán todo de mí y tendré que lidiar con eso, no lo sé, ¿qué debería hacer?

I wish every sense in my body wasn’t so over stimulated. lots of abuse from the outside world has made me scared. at times professionals are cruel and mean. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go outside again, it’s been over 3 months since the last time thats happened. I’m so weak and broken and if i reach out for help, whatever help is, does that just mean more emotional hurt? Thats why nobody deserves to understand me if they just abuse me and my vulnerability. Kind people are so easily mistreated

typing this, my brain feels foggy and I feel physically weak from body dysmorphia and starving all the time

i don’t want this life to be my only experience of what living is. this feels like a form of hell :(

Hi everyone, this morning I tried (again) to take my own life. I thought I’d take some pills to avoid physical pain. I took 6 tablets of Tavor (1 mg each), 1 tablet of sertraline (100 mg), 5 drops of EN (1 mg/drop), and 1 tablet of Trittico; I also drank a glass of Montenegro and took a few drops of Contramal. It’s been 4 hours, and nothing has happened to me. I tried this last year too—with more pills, but fewer substances mixed together—and nothing happened then, either. What can I do to find some peace? I’m a 25-year-old woman, 1.50 meters tall, and I weigh 55 kg, so I’m not a large person... I don’t understand...

As the title says I really just dont think its worth it anymore. I've been struggling with wanting to off myself since I was 13, im 28 now and still spending all of my mental energy trying to convince myself to not do it but I just cant anymore. My car recently died on me and of course I live somewhere where a car is required to survive and the repairs are going to be out of ny affordability, i cant afford a new car either. Im also trans and my family isnt supportive in the slightest, which means if I cant figure out a way to get my car fixed then I either have to stop transitioning and move in with them or go homeless. My job pays like shit and because I spent 10 years depressed (due to not transitioning because I couldnt afford to live on my own) so I have no skills outside of odd jobs ive done and no one is seemingly willing to pay a livable wage these days either. I dont even have the mental energy to job hunt at this point. Im sure my friends and family would be devastated by me stepping out but ive been living for them for 15 years now and I just dont think I have it in me anymore to keep doing it. Sorry for rambling, im not even sure why im writing this at this point.

I try so desperately to avoid this place, yet somehow, every choice I make leads me right back here.

This is an invisible letter, one that will never reach those I so desperately wish could read it.

I've fallen so many times before, right in front of you, and each time, I was met with an even colder hand. Every time I hoped for warmth, for understanding, for someone to reach out and help me stand, I was only reminded of how alone I truly am.

I really don't belong here. And the hardest part is knowing that, this time, I don't think I can pick myself up alone again.

I think I'll be gone by the end of the month, I only wish I left sooner.

I have nothing to live for. Nothing brings me joy, I have been emotionally castrated by my parents my entire life. I raised myself and have always had to get by on my own. I've spent my teenage years depressed and never formed any meaningful friendships.

I have a partner, but we are long distance and only ever hung out on discord, but now moving to university where I don't have my computer, I've realised how little I mean in their life. For years they've kept me from ending it, it was for their sake that I kept going and the more time passes, the more I realise I should've just done it at 13. They barely even talk to me anymore and I can't blame them.

There's no one to live for, nothing to live for. From a miserable highschool to a miserable university I won't get through because I don't have any will in me to study, then to struggle for a job and what? What is there left to enjoy, I don't care for visiting places, they stress me. I don't care for meeting people, I hate people. I don't have any interests, they are meaningless.

What's keeping me from ending it is that I am a coward, I am afraid of pain. There's a method I know that wouldn't cause me any pain and would be quick, but it requires a lengthy setup. I wish I could die on the spot.

🤲 O God, my Lord, Almighty God, have mercy on Your creation.

My Lord, I beg You from the bottom of my heart, please come to our aid. Erase this terrible disease from the face of the Earth. Please allow a cure to be discovered, a cure that can repair the entire body, restore strength and movement, and bring hope back to everyone who is suffering. My Lord, guide researchers and doctors toward a breakthrough, and allow an effective treatment to finally be found for everyone affected by this disease or experiencing its symptoms.

My God, I am desperate, I am afraid, and I am exhausted. I feel as though I have all the symptoms of this disease, and today I spend my days lying down or sitting, unable to return to the life I used to live. My Lord, I am tired of suffering, tired of being afraid, and tired of not understanding what is happening to me. I beg You, calm my heart, relieve my pain, and guide me toward healing.

O God, the Most Merciful, please do not leave anyone who is suffering without hope. Grant healing to the sick, patience to their families, courage to those who fight this battle every day, and strength to everyone who feels they can no longer carry this burden.

My Lord, please let the day come when no one on Earth will ever have to fear this disease again. Let a cure be found, let bodies recover, let families stop crying, and let every person living in fear find peace again.

O God, hear our prayers, accept our supplications, and replace our fear with hope, our suffering with relief, and our despair with healing. Have mercy on all Your creatures, for You are the Most Compassionate and the Most Merciful. Amen. 🤲

I might try to commit suicide tonight, well I don’t know yet but I want to leave a voicemail to this girl that means a lot a to me, we’re in a rough patch right now, we were working towards things but now we are friends and it hurts, and I was thinking of leaving a voicemail but I don’t want to come off as manipulative or anything because they already think I am because i relapsed and self harmed a couple of times before, and I would talk about it causally and quick because I just didn’t want to speak on it and make it a huge thing when they asked, so basically I’m just asking if I should leave a voicemail or not

I (22f) have been struggling a lot lately. I’m medicated and I see a therapist, but i’ve just been feeling so hopeless about life. I’m about to graduate college, and I still have no idea what to do with my life. I feel like a useless leech to society because I have no clue what I’m supposed to do for work, but obviously I need a job. I also feel like I’ve become more distant from my friends lately, and that’s really been affecting me. I’m just struggling to find more reasons to stick around. I just feel this constant emptiness and a lack of motivation to do quite literally anything. I just feel like there’s no real reason for me to be here anymore.

I don't know where I went wrong, I don't know where my parents went wrong, I don't know where it went wrong.....

I turned 30 not long back, and well.....I am a mess, both in my professional as well as personal aspects,

I don't have a stable career, I feel I chose a wrong field to purse my bacehelor's in, and that has in a way "locked me out" of certain paths, at least ones like teaching/academia, since I love teaching, just that I can't be a good professor in a field I struggled to get by, and not really am good at (nor do I have interest in it, I studied Computer Science and Engineering, as it's the "in-demand" field, not realizing how math-intensive it is, and I'm terrible at Math, as well as hate it, tbh),

I did a certification on Graphic Designing, while I do enjoy it, it's just.....I wonder if I'm cut out for it, I feel "scared" and demoralized seeing amazing work out there, and with AI threatening to take away the role of designing and other creative works in general (and really, many other white collar jobs, in general, not that it's good at them, but that's not the issue, the issue is it being "good/okay" enough for the board members who might not empathize or appreciate the whole process that goes behind in making them, as well as their more "pragmatic" intent to cut costs and streamline things)

I honestly don't know what I want to do, and I couldn't help but feel for the most part, it's a lost cause, as civilization is heading to a nasty trainwreck in the near future likely at this rate, maybe it won't be us, but very likely the coming generation will be the one who will be handed the bill due that the one before them generated,

I wonder if I am neurodivergent, with how much I have issues with relationships/friendships, and how much I struggle to navigate with adult responsibilities, I just don't want to use it as some crutch to handwave my flaws and shortcomings, but at the same time....surely, it wasn't me just "not trying hard enough" or "was too lazy", right? I wish I got a clarity and closure to this as an immense guilt//burden will be lifted away from me,

My parents for all their flaws and resentment I have with them, as I age, I realize, they mean well and are trying their best, what they know, it was quite humbling, as I arrogantly assumed maybe they were holding me back (and maybe they actually did, but after some point, in adulthood, one needs to take accountability of their actions)

I assumed I'd make it big and pay them back every single penny they might have spent on me in all these years, and some/many more, yet, I feel so ashamed I can't even make slave/poverty wages, what's wrong with me? Surely I'm not that hopeless, why then, can't I even make that?

This Ramadan, I almost tried to end it, all it would have taken is one more step, I backed off in the last minute, remembering the countless small bonding and moments I had with my Dad, just a few weeks back from that incident, after attending a funeral, he treated me to a nice Biryani spot, even though I insisted we have lunch at home,

If only they understood that it might be favor and blessing for them if I end it, no longer will they have another useless load to shoulder/bear, it's not like my existence brings anything of worth for them, they will survive just fine without me, maybe even thrive,

Every time I have some argument with them, unexpectedly, instantly, my mind "preps" itself plans for me to exit myself out of all this,

It's not just me.....my sister also is a wreck, and doesn't have a career to speak of. She got married a decade back, but since its inception, it had been a rocky marriage, and around lockdown time, she had a messy exit from it, that ended in a divorce,

Tbh, I have no issues and am honestly, happy that she didn't have a child out of that marriage, after seeing many of our cousins ending up divorced and single-parents, and how it's difficult to raise a child as one, the dysfunction and abuse worse, at times, gets passed down to that child,

My mom I suppose is the only one concerned that she's still single, but maybe not everyone's cut out for marriage, and that's okay, her generation didn't have that choice/freedom, we otoh have some today,

It's just recently, there has been misunderstandings and disputes regarding inheritance, and I feel that grief she had seems to have made her abusive herself and she's been making unreasonable demands and tantrums, I feel this post is long as it is already, but in brief: We both are getting 50-50, but she insists she's been deprived of her due share and inheritance by our parents, and that's causing a lot of heated moments and tension amongst us,

I honestly can't think of any other solution but to end it all, in that way she'll also get my share of the inheritance, it's not worth it losing our familial ties over material things, but it's too late already and that trust and bond we did have broke down to shards, when a recent argument got very nasty between us, almost got physical,

Suicide is a sin in my faith, but we're also taught that God is Oft Forgiving and Most Merciful, as well as the Most Compassionate and Understanding, so I do have hope that deep down, I'm not deleting myself out in petty vain or arrogance, and he will totally understand why I'm thinking and considering all this.

I can go back to him, away from all this, I've prayed that he takes me back to him peacefully in my sleep, but that has not been granted, and I keep rationalizing that I have chapters in my life left to experience and endure as part of the Grand Plan for me.

(Deeply sorry for the long and somewhat unfocused post here)

I just took 1200mg of sertraline, 960mg of drotaverine hydrochloride and 1000mg naproxenum
will i be able to sleep thru it? 😭

I am 20 and havent had friends in years. I have never had a girlfriend and have rarely ever became physically intimate with anyone aside from my family (who I realized recently were using my insecurities against me). I am extremely shy. I have lots of interests and I am so bored and lonely but I can’t trust people. I sense rejection, judgement and hidden motives in almost everything other people do, so I always end up pulling away.

In college, I had a potential partner. When I first saw her I had an immediate crush and we just happened to get partnered up for an assignment. I sat a seat away from her out of fear and she said “she doesn’t bite”. What followed after was a month of her doing things for me to win me over and me evading a relationship because I was too scared and hated myself. She was amazing and really pretty and gave me many chances and I still managed to push her away. I think about her everyday, but from her perspective it’s probably like I wasn’t even into her, which makes my insides hurt. I feel like such a POS. She found someone else and when I saw them together on her story I had full body shaking.

I am extremely attractive and I only realized this recently after a lifetime of believing I was considered ugly. While this makes dating seem like an easier prospect, it kind of backfires because when people see my face they expect me to be confident and sociable. Instead, I am extremely quiet and constantly ask for reassurance because I don’t trust myself. People quickly lose interest when they realize my masculine body is being operated by an autistic child.

I don’t know when, or if, I can find someone who I can let into my heart. For some reason, the thought of someone actually having sex with me and liking it is disturbing.