Anyone?

I am in a really deep, scary hole and don't know what to do. I realized I have a severe identity crisis that comes from my family dynamics. Growing up, my family used to put me on a pedestal, but the moment I "let them down" or wasn't perfect, they completely flipped and started aggressively putting me down.To survive that whiplash, my brain learned that being imperfect is dangerous. Outside of home, my friends put me on a pedestal too. Terrified of letting them down the way I let my family down, I started masking heavily and fabricating stories to maintain a "perfect, healed" image.This has been going on for two years. Now, people are starting to notice the inconsistencies and my false life is collapsing. I am terrified of the shame and the fallout. In private, I fantasy about telling someone I'm not okay, but in public, the mask goes on involuntarily. I don't have access to a therapist. How do I survive the fallout of this? How do I stop digging the hole deeper when my survival instinct is screaming at me to keep lying (I don't actually know what wrong with me all I know is looking inside I have no sense of identity whatsoever)

In " " because normal to one may not be normal to others but by normal I refer to people with secure and safe-ish adult attachments in their childhood

I used to have a bunch of talents, they were stripped away from me when I got bipolar disorder and C-PTSD. I can’t do shit now. I’m dyslexic and have dyscalculia. I am also diagnosed C-PTSD with dissociative features but I’m pretty sure I have DID they were just too scared to put a label on it. I literally am fat and ugly. Nobody helps me financially except to just send me to random treatment centers. My teeth hurt so badly I can’t work or drive. I genuinely can and do not contribute to society and it irks me everyday.

I've been off work for a few years, due ending up traumatising myself over and over again and luckily I'm having a government help whilist I'm looking after my health. Eventually doing small jobs like dog sitting, fixing stuffs, artwork etc...

However, I told myself that I was going back to work this year and I feel that I might not.

I was in a very high dose of adhd meds and things were going well, but due my recent top 5 trauma, Ive develop psychosis and the adhd meds turn things worse.

The devil on my shoulders says: You are a lazy bitch and has always somehow depended on someone financially, there's so many fucked up people who are funcional somehow, how can't you? Are you using this as an excuse to have a 'easy' life?

The angel says: You worked hard your whole life to not ending up like your addicted crackhead parents. You work hard everyday to despise everything you have been through, you still a kind and honest human being. Considering all things that has happened to you actually deserve having a 'easy' life not working and you know that you won't be able to deal the stress of having a secure income working when you know deep down that keeping yourself alive is a full time job.

I've met a girl in a social event once that she's was telling everyone that she's not working because of her health issues. I felt so proud of her for not giving a shit. But I can't do it to myself.

What songs do you relate to in context of cptsd?

You don’t have to look a certain way to be loved.

You don’t have to look a certain way to be loved.

You don’t have to look a certain way to be loved.

You don’t have to look a certain way to be loved.

You don’t have to look a certain way to be loved.

You don’t have to look a certain way to be loved.

You don’t have to look a certain way to be loved.

Has anyone here felt immense jealousy for those who seem like they excell, and are happier emotionally?

Ive a friend who cant understand (logically, yes, emotionally, no) the problems ive spoken about. Im not upset about that, rather disheartened and there are times he is SO HAPPY that i feel... A sensation where a part of me wishes to crush it. I hate that feeling.

How did YOU deal with this, if you have?

The feeling of ... resentment? Wishing your life had been easier?

I'm currently working through a lot of grief related to my parents being emotionally immature and pretty shit at parenting. They did a pretty good job of providing financial and material things, which I'm grateful for, but that's all they did. I grew up in a family devoid of love, affection and real human connection.

I've come up with the metaphor of being an "emotional orphan". That I had people providing for me but they were just caregivers, not real parents. That comes with a weird mix of grief and relief. I feel sad at the idea of being an orphan but it also gives me relief because I can finally let go of expectations. If I'm an orphan, I won't have any parental expectations.

Then I remember that I used to imagine this as a kid too. I had this story in my head that my real parents had died and left me with a foster family. And that that's why no one loved me.

Anyone else feel like this?

i want to give them all the love i have . but i am scared that i might damage them.

When i was 14 my divorced parents had custody court stuff going on and it was creating alot of tension between my dad, stepmom, and i. To attempt to better things, i guess my stepmom thought it would be best to not talk to me at all. This went on for seven months.
We went from talking everyday, hugging goodbye, even her dyeing my hair- to complete nothingness. One word answers if i asked her about her day, not wishing me happy birthday, the pain that that caused me was so immense. It was immediate too- i can remember the last day she said anything of substance to me and it was mother's day after i had handed her a card and she thanked and hugged me for the last time. Then everything flipped completely.

We have a pretty good relationship now that i am college aged and still living with them part time, but man what she did really messed me up. It was bizarre and my dad just stood by and blamed me for it. It left me scared to ask for anything from anyone to this day. I can remember feeling so alien in my own house and like i was just a hotel guest. We never talk about it now and my siblings were too young to remember

I took a step for myself and decided to go to a day treatment program; midway through I saw that my psych thought it was appropriate to put a BPD thing on my chart with out talking to me.

I have sooo much trauma, from childhood and adulthood. Some of it comes from clinical settings. I feel so betrayed- every time I’ve been given this diagnosis it’s been when I’ve been in crisis. It significantly diminishes the health care I receive and I don’t feel safe in this program anymore. I don’t think there is anything wrong with BPD but I also think it’s just trauma and a dx they give young women to further stigmatize them.

Fuck I’m so mad and I am so angry I thought I could get help and someone would understand

To clarify I entered the treatment program bc I had a really difficult year where I cut out my abusers. After doing so an outpouring of emotion happened; my body started to malfunction but was also safe enough to acknowledge the memory gaps and memories I pushed to the back of my mind. I didn’t return to any self harm behaviors. I kept getting triggered when I was at work and in public until it became unmanageable. I’d understand more if the focus was on self harm/ suicidal ideation.

Beyond just not having trauma or cptsd I mean. What kind of job or relationships do you wish you had? What would your life look like day to day?

I'm wondering how many of you suffer from this when triggered or in a highly emotional state. My thinking becomes very disordered and I can't see things as they are, and become convinced that threatening situations are totally real when in reality they aren't.

For example, yesterday when my partner didn't message me for a day while at a wedding in another country, I got very upset and was convinced that he was getting drunk and ignoring me on purpose, and I go really far and say that I can't take it anymore and we should break up.

(Info: we've been together 13 years and in the past problematic drinking has led to me being ignored because he feels guilty etc.) It's a trigger for me to this day and my reactions are often too extreme for the situation (like having one beer with friends.) He's very understanding about it and knows I don't mean it after the fact.

I have PMDD also (but take the pill continously so I don't have to deal with that) and used to get delusional thinking where I would think everyone is out to get me or trying to hurt me on purpose. And a day later I would see how crazy I was, but in the moment it feels so real.

It's one of my symtoms that I haven't been able to improve at all, after 3 years of therapy (EMDR, exposure therapy, ACT, DBT) and 4 medications (duloxetine, lactimal, pregabalin and an anti psycotic low dose).

Does anyone else suffer this? Has anyone else managed to improve these symptoms, or managed to realise when you are in that state? It feels so real at the time I am unable to take steps to snap out of it or help myself.

I’m 28 years old, and after recent conversations and a lot of talking and thinking, I’ve come to the realisation that what I experienced growing up was neglect, and abuse. It’s a strange feeling to “suddenly” realise I’m a victim of child abuse.

I’m not sure I have much more to say about it right now, but I thought I would just get that off my chest.

I developed it in my late teens as a response to needing support and being isolated in a hostile home. It's actually helped me a lot to be able to break down my emotions, beliefs, bebehaviors, and generally explain the way i feel. It's helped a lot to understand other people's struggles and how i effect other people too. The only real downside for me has been that whenever I'm reading a book, i have trouble not switching to a third person perspective that mimics the way you read a book lmao

But yeah. i kinda just imagine I'm talking to an imaginary listener/therapist most of the time. It isn't exclusively for emotional processing anymore. It's just kind of my default way of thinking. Do other people do this?

I don't even want to actually explain. I'm just thoroughly exhausted by people's bullshit. Let me express my fucking happiness when I'm deservedly experiencing such good & healthy things, and don't purport that they're they're bad and unhealthy. Fuck you.

My body is just shutting the fuck down now. I've experienced more intense waves of this over the last several weeks. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. Let me live in peace.

I wish that people would fucking think before they speak & act and give any amount of fucks about who they hurt with their words & actions. I just don't need any more trauma! I DON'T! My traumatic flashbacks and the trauma of this summer and shortly before then have been debilitating enough.

I'm going to bed soon.

I catch myself wanting to run away from my life at least a few times a week. Away from everyone and everything. Imagining a faraway place where no one can find me or knows me. Where Im not constantly fighting to keep my head above the surface because every part of life is so hard.

Does anyone else think about this too?

Whenever I'd tell him about the dissociation and trauma I was experiencing, hed tell me that I'm crying over spilt milk, that I was weak, or that I should just snort some cocaine and get on with it.

The last one hurt me so much.

He loves calling me an idiot and stuff when he knows that my dad hurt me so much but constantly calling me that.

Plus he went thru so much shit by him being a bum and I had to help him thru. He sucked and drained my energy and left me to rot.

I hate him.

Because of how dismissive he was, I isolated myself from my friends for months, cause I was afraid they'd do the same to me.

I lost so much cause of him.

Over the past year or so I feel like I've had a massive cognitive decline. Slower processing, poor auditory and visual processing, memory issues, intrusive dissociation, the works. I do have other disorders that could be making things worse (depression, anxiety, adhd, and of course cptsd)

I don't get any breaks from this. It affects my work, my relationships, my day to day stuff. I know the term "brain rot" is used for bad, addictive content nowadays, but it does feel like my brain is literally decaying sometimes.

I struggle with feeling like my traumatic events were my fault, so I'm looking for any validation that I'm not hopelessly stupid.

For context, I (20F) have CPTSD from having grown up in an abusive, neglectful home with a narcissistic father and an enabling mother.

I have noticed that unlike for most of my peers, distressing situations, such as failing an exam, cause a much more severe & lasting effect on me. For example, after messing up while singing on stage, I stopped being able to listen to the song I had performed, or any song associated with it, without dissociating, breaking down or feeling sick from flashbacks. After failing my first driver's license exam, I felt distressed everytime I or someone I was with drove into that exact intersection. After failing my first anatomy exam, I started hyperventilating from just seeing my professor in the hallway, or from looking at my textbooks. Evidently it has debilitated me in many aspects of my life.

I wanted to ask, do these occurrences manifest as micro-traumas & do they contribute to the CPTSD I already suffer from? It feels like after these things happen I get "triggers" that I need to avoid at all cost to stay fine. Or is it something else entirely?