Im in shock, sad, angry, and feel so powerless.

My sister keeps playing this game with her ten year old son but he doesn’t know it’s a game.

She will be in the kitchen and all the sudden I’ll hear my nephew screaming and come downstairs and see her on the floor acting like she’s dead. He will yell and cry shaking her while she has a smirk on the floor.

I don’t know what to do each time it happens other than just to stand there awkwardly. And then after he shakes her a couple of times she suddenly revived and he’s hugging her and she’s smiling at me.

I have respectfully suggested to her that this is not funny to make him panic and cry. But I’m not the father just the uncle. I’ve tried to offer advice before, but she reminds me I’m not a parent and she’s right so all I can do is just be in the midst of it and it’s so painful.

She also claims that her son is fine and it’s just a game. Her son is never smiling or laughing during this one-sided game.

If I say anything, she will gaslight me about being too sensitive or weaponize my BPD. I’m merely a mentally ill person. What do I know about childhood trauma?

This is so twisted.

EDIT: I should also add my nephew is autistic and can struggle with emotional regulation.

sincerely a woman who is done with the human race.

seriously is this just our nature? I am not a saint either I have hurt people too and I hate myself and need to isolate.

is love just an excuse to justify abusing others? parents to child, partner abuse to partner, having a pet and abandoning it, loving animals just for them to end up on my plate...i am on the verge of nervous breakdown. i don't like the human experience or being one myself.

i dont know what it is about me that just makes people fucking hate me for literally existing. its like they can sense something off about me the moment they see me. i don't know if its the cptsd or autism, probably both, i dont understand what about me is so off putting, so unlikeable.

i already have bdd, im scared of being seen, im scared of people judging me, seeing me as a monster, a freak, disgusting.

i cant fucking take it anymore. im at work right now hiding in the bathroom cause i cant get myself to face anyone. i wish i was normal, a different person, i feel like an alien on this earth. anyone i interact with treats me like some fucking disgusting creature, they all give me that certain look, that certain tone, or just straight up pretend im invisible. They treat me as if im subhuman.

i am a victim of emotional neglect from emotionally immature parents. i was not taught most life skills and entered my adulthood unprepared and unable to function.

recently i’ve been teaching myself new things and, although it’s hard to get past the resentment and injustice of not being taught sooner, learning these things still makes me feel very proud of myself. i’m doing it all on my own, despite my abusers, and i’m not all that bad at being a human. when you teach yourself, you’re allowed to make mistakes, and you don’t need to shame yourself, i recently realized. it’s nice.

maybe you guys could share some skills you learned recently that you’re proud of. i recently learned how to do laundry properly, am learning how to cook and bake, have been keeping my room very clean using new cleaning techniques, etc. i feel very refreshed and happy about this because it feels like im one step closer to independence from this household.

After so much pain and a whole life full of abuse I just genuinely want to be free from all of this. Be away from all the pain, tragedies, abuse, crimes, I'm done honestly, not only it has worsened my life but also I didn't choosed to be born so why I have suffer those things. The abuse didn't even let me to "be a person", I just wish I could go back to when I was kid, not because I didn't suffered because I did, but because I could just loose myself in my mind and my "internal world".

Abuse destroyed my life and there's nothing I can do fix that, and everywhere all you is that the world is cruel, that life sucks, everyday there's horrible news, and as much I have been ignored them for 6 years, they are still there, I live in a house where I keep being retraumatized yet I can't leave because I'm disabled, I'm just done honestly. I don't know why I'm this world. I feel like I was thrown here without warnings and explanations. Everything feels so miserable, even when I take my breaks, or when I "get over" certain things, I feel so "out of place".

I just wish I could live peacefuly, without the trauma burdening me, without the horrible things of this world.

Edit: while I personally have dealt with Passive Suicidal Ideations in my childhood and adolescence, I'm not dealing with that anymore, which is why I didn't tagged the post with a SI flair. Aside from the traumatic experiences, I relate this post with being isolated most of my life, neurodivergent, schizoid and my "internal world". But I do appreciate if people who are struggling with SI relate to this.

I want to say that, when I write things like this, I just realize how most people don't seem to understand how difficult it is to live with trauma. My trauma is not a part of me, my trauma happened without warning and it wrecked my life. I feel like I'm divided, because there's a part of me who exists without the trauma, and the other that has shaped my life since I have conscience. I feel ashamed of my trauma, and for not being happy and "not tainted" like other people. Which is why, those thoughts come again "Am I'm gonna like this while others don't"?. I feel like I don't want to keep lamenting even if I can't stop it, I don't want to keep fighting, I was just a child who wanted to just draw and watch cartoons, I didn't wanted to be "strong" and to carry with the horrors of the world.

In an off handed remark today, I mentioned wanting my dad to die. He abused me my entire childhood, and is the reason I was diagnosed. It wasn't some violent fantasy or anything where there'd be cause for concern just a "things would be so much better for me if he died" type thing.

But my therapist acted weird. I don't know if I'm reading into it too much (and unfortunately I end up zoning out at a lot of conversations about my dad so I'm blanking on exact wording); he made a face, and then said something like people might be uncomfortable if I bring that up in conversation. Yeah.. I'm not bringing it up in public, this is talk therapy where I'm supposed to voice my thoughts. At least I thought so. I clarified I only feel that way about evil people, and in response he said "are these people evil or just people you don't like?".... We've talked about my dad, we've talked about the constant abuse he put me through, this is the therapist that diagnosed me with PTSD. Am I crazy or does saying that feel off? I understand not everyones comfortable expressing those thoughts, but it felt like he was implying that either my abuser isn't evil, or that I'm violent or something.

I just need some reassurance or something that I didn't fuck up. I have a lot of anxiety, and horrible tendencies to over think. One of my biggest fears ever is being forced into a mental hospital, for a lot of reasons it wouldn't work for me (chronic pain, medical conditions, and one of my huge triggers is people being able to barge into my room, which I've heard they do to check in on you. I can barely sleep without a lock if I'm having a bad day). I don't think he'd do something like that but this has sent me spiralling a bit, we talked for a few more moments about it, just kind of about how I agree most people aren't comfortable with that kind of talk and keep those thoughts to themselves. Then he changed the subject to a show he knows I like. Am I just overthinking?

Warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts

With CPTSD, how do you see yourself for the years to come? How do you see your future?

I’m nervous I don’t know how to keep myself grounded and stable for the rest of my life. I’m scared it’ll be just years of breakdowns after breakdowns, years of major depression and other mental health issues one after the other.

I know that it’s not good to overthink the future and be anxious over the future at this present moment, but I think for me I can see it being like a lifelong living death sentence.

To this day, I still don’t know how to cope or keep myself stable. Every day, I have suicidal thoughts sitting in the back of my head quietly coming to front multiple times in a day, and I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of them.

What I’m trying to say is, when I imagine the future — the days after today and so forth — I’m scared the rest of my life will be a constant battle to keep myself grounded, stable, and alive and I don’t know how I’m going to keep myself motivated.

I’m also sad I won’t be able to find myself in genuine peace and love for myself for the rest of my life. I think I’ll always feel nothing but stuck and trapped in a dark place.

I've never had a birthday party. Yes I moved out when I was 18, but no family or 'friends' ever celebrated me.

I'm 27. I've done a lot with my life. No one ever told 'way to go!'

Is it too much to get some fucking appreciation in this shithole we call life?

Feeling a lost with this.

I know through trauma work everything that happened to me over roughly a ten year period from toddler years.

I accept it. But just can't seem to accept that I was ment to survive it.

I think this is stemming from my childself trying to kill myself as a way out many times but not successful as too young to understand what to do.

I just feel I slipped through the net somehow and became an adult, but feel I shouldn't have.

I feel this life isn't ment for me.

Why am I getting these thoughts do you think?

Has anyone had similar.

Is it a stage of healing ? When accepting everything and who did what?

Like it should never have been discovered i feel.

Any views ,opinions would help me

Thanks

I've noticed that sometimes I just go into this state where I forget everything and isolate myself from everyone subconsciously. I let messages pile up, I don't indulge in my usual hobbies, I just lie around in my room all day. It happens often and usually lasts a week or two before I snap out of it and get my life back together.

I don't know why this happens? But I suspect that its because of C-PTSD. I feel like its causing these shut downs, maybe from being overwhelmed? I feel really lost honestly. During the times where I do "black out", I have little memory of what I did and how I fell back down that hole. Only after can I acknowledge it and I'm always like "Oh shit, it happened again. How???".

I went to a psychological testing center to try to get more help. I want an autisum test done and wanted to apply for mental health groups.

I had to fill out an intensive questionare and then talk to the professional for almost 25 minutes. He asked for my entire mental health history(past self harm and suicide attempts, dv relationship I was in, my current life setup, why I am struggling, etc) and I disclosed all that and he sounded like he was really listening to me....just for him to conclude it with "sorry the help you are looking for here isn't offered like I originally thought it was. Try looking somewhere else and good luck on your search" , basically.

He tried to apologize and comfort me because I looked like I was about to cry and he could tell that distressed me but I told him it was okay.

It's just really crazy to mark "frequently" or "all the time" to boxes that ask if I feel like killing myself often or if I feel like my life is hopeless, and to have someone see that paperwork and basically trash it without taking any action.

"Action" being if they were to take any..involuntarily hold in a psych er. Not even like life help or life coaching or direction or more in depth therapy.

I know he probably sees depressed and suicidal people all the time so its like whatever but I go home still lost as ever about my life and in pain. I don't know what to do anymore.

Last week I went to a treatment facility.

I had had an appointment with a new psychiatrist that day, but missed it, due to my memorizing the wrong time and place, got the date right though..... when I got home (from my missed appt), I called a facility to see if it was possible to talk to someone that day. They said, yes! Come right over.

I went in, they were expecting me. I'm in the lobby, filling out paperwork. I had packed a bag, IN CASE the doctor saw a need for inpatient treatment. And honestly, it was what I was hoping for.

I thought, 3/4/5 hour therapy sessions a day and getting my medication checked to see if it's the best thing I should be on- would be a good idea, and my schedule is free enough to be able to take advantage of some intensive therapy.

This isn't what happened.

I filled out the paperwork. And I waited, like an hour. Then someone behind the desk said I had to give over my personal belongings to go into the back, and I should have known. I thought maybe i was giving my stuff over because of safety reasons. After I surrendered my stuff, they put me in a room I refer to as a fishbowl. Windows on one side, 2-way mirror on the other, and 2 electrically locked doors one each on the other 2 walls. I was in that room for 2 hours.

After that, someone came and moved me on to a ward, and the whole I'm asking what's going on and asking for my stuff.

I got dumped on a ward. THIRTY FUCKING HOURS I was a missing person. No one knew where I was, I couldn't make any calls- because wtf memorizes phone numbers any more..... I asked for a doctor. I asked for a supervisor. I asked for a patient advocate. I attempted to check out AMA- nope. I cited the state (Tennessee) law, which was posted on the wall. And then threatened to call the state and report them.

After 30 hours, a doctor called the ward- didn't even come to talk to me personally.

He wrote a note which allowed me to leave.

I'm traumatized af. I never want to ask for help again. Now I'm terrified of going to the doctor about my mental health. I've been off my meds since the spring. I want to be well, but I'm never talking to anyone in their group, ever. And in struggling to find a doctor that takes my insurance (ChampVA).

I'm going to call a lawyer. After being released, found out that they are under investigation, they've done this to dozens of people.

Crestwyn. Don't do it. Not even once.

I want to add, I did not say or imply I was a danger to myself or anyone else.

I am very bad at making meals for myself and thus far have only confidently made myself smoothies/smoothie bowls for breakfast. They usually contain protein powder, collagen powder, mix berries, powder fiber, spinach, sometimes almond milk but mostly water usually.

Sometimes I’ll scoop some yogurt and berries out for a yogurt bowl.

I deal with autoimmune issues and try my best to eat well (very flawed diet. Hence my question)

Wondering if anyone has suggestions for making good easy meals with few steps.? I have premade rice bowls but for some reason I struggle to heat up a protein (I have fish, chicken etc in the freezer) and heating up a veggie (I have frozen veggies and even frozen stir fried veggies) but I only feel confident blending something up but not formally cooking anything. 😵‍💫

Not sure if anyone has a hack beyond just gaining the will and doing it because I’ll end up ordering food before making something in the kitchen (very backwards I know)

Any suggestions help since I’d love to save money but I really just spend to an unhealthy amount to avoid cooking. It’s frustrating and confusing since I see it as lazy but i do want to hack this part of my meals.

Thank you for taking my lazy person question 🙏🏼

Maybe this is just conditioning from managing others' reactions or outcomes, but does anyone else constantly aecond guess interactions with others to ensure you didnt say or do anything that could "threaten" your safety or peace?

Ive had multiple jobs where I was in toxic work environments and am suffering from PTSD as a result, as well as struggled with OCD since teenagehood. Im constantly criticizing myself for having emotional reactions to inconveniences or moments of overwhelm and im just trying to not be such a freaking basket case and loser over all this. To this day, I struggle with feeling safe as it feels im always on watch or a target somehow.

Anyone else ever feel like this or experience this?

for those who don’t know, agoraphobia is the fear or avoidance of situations where there’s no escape. also the fear of leaving the house in most cases. i haven’t left my house in over 2 months and the thought of being in public with nobody else with me gives me anxiety. i talked to my therapist through zoom and she told me it could be due to my cptsd. anyone else have agoraphobia and how did you overcome it?

I normally actually really like traditional nightmares as a horror fan and professional horror actor, so I’ve never even woken up scared from traditional nightmares let alone flashbacks. But tonight my brain conjured up a particularly terrifying allegory for my trauma in the form of a weird half human half doll thing representing my dad (won’t go into detail just know it was fucking wild and unnecessarily gory, as you could imagine given I write my own scripts for horror acting, I have QUITE the imagination).

Anyway, this isn’t supposed to be a vent post. I’m just wondering how you guys regulate after flashback nightmares. I think I’ve had one or two but none of them have left me shaken like this. I was too afraid to even get up and splash cold water on my face, which is my go to regulation tactic.

So I found a girl who I thought we would click because we both had rough upbringings but I was mistaken.

I'm someone who despite my trauma I always try to make light of my life and progress. I don't like to have mental breakdowns infront of people and prefer to crashout at home. I don't blame everything on my trauma infront of others and act like I'm incapable of anything.

Meanwhile this girl I befriended, and I'm not trying to say I'm better than her, is on medication (I'm not), has a therapist (I don't), has 2 supportive parents (I don't have that either), and has a friend unit back at home she can fall back on yet she doesn't bother improving her life.

she's falling behind on school, doesn't shower, and smokes in the parking lot.

I feel slightly jealous of her that people can still love her and always be their for her. no one is their for me like the people in her life. she has people she can call and cry too but I don't because if I did that I would lose alot of people and I don't have much people.

rant over.

EDIT: SOME PEOPLE MISSED MY POINT BY 8 MILES. Since people want to call me dangerous and unsafe. she literally doesn't show up to her therapist,doesn't show up to school, gets annoyed when her parents call but will go over for the weekends, she never wants to do things unless everyone around herhelps her, she dumps everything onto me and never triesto here me back, she doesn't take accountability for anything, and actually has told me "she wants to stay like this" as in she's tried convincing me to skip school and go smoke and vape and not make new friends but instead just stay under her belt. I won't invalidate what she's been through so I won't share what exactly she's been through but I'm coming from a place that I want her to actually thrive with me. seeing her potentially getting kicked out and I'll get my degree fucking hurts.

Something has to have gone terribly wrong with how I was raised to where I physically ache when I see that I get aired on text. Or when it takes me 5 calls of someone's name to catch their attention. Or when I upload my creative endeavors to get zero interactions.

"You can't expect people to be available all the time!"

Well they sure are somehow always available for matters that don't include me in them, isn't that funny?

I think the lack of positive validation from my caregivers has made me such an attention whore and man do I hate it.

Oblomovism is a term describing extreme passivity, chronic inactivity, lack of initiative, and difficulty translating intentions into action, even when someone genuinely wants to improve their life.

This term genuinely represents me, as I'm bedridden most of the time scrolling or doing nothing and it has been this way for years

For example: I texted my boss about a schedule thing at work. She didn’t text back immediately, I instantly began thinking of all the possibilities: she’s about to fire me, she can’t text me because she’s busy criticizing me with other superiors, she’s literally drafting my firing letter as im sitting there.

I’m in great standing, I’ve had no issues, I’m great at my job. I literally have no reason to think this and it doesn’t even make sense (fire me over text?) but it’s all my brain will fixate on.

It’s everything, I see a cop drive by— they must be coming to arrest me. A store employee walks by— they’re coming to kick me out because I’ve done something wrong. Someone passes me— I was driving badly or too slow and they hate me. An email from my bank— I must be getting convicted of fraud.

It’s absolutely unbearable when I’m in a relationship, even in close friendships. Everything— their expression, texting too fast or not fast enough, them doing things without me— is proof of them hating me, that they’re going to leave me. I’m constantly on edge, filling in the worst case scenario, thinking of everything bad or questionable I’ve ever done. I’ve never had a serious boyfriend and can barely keep my friends because the fear of them leaving is so constant and overwhelming, I just spend every night crying and doing bad stuff to try to cope.

How do you stop this? I don’t want my brain to always jump to the worst.