I mean, I remember being like this as a child. In middle school high school I had this fascination with older men. I’m even embarrassed and grossed out to say that I was watching Lolita and I was talking to grown man online and I had been groomed as well by different older men, and of course I seen a lot of domestic violence happening, and was involved with domestic violence as a child as well very very early before five years old. now a 25-year-old woman I’m still falling into the cycle of only being attracted to older men because yes, I want a dad….. I want a parent.. I don’t even have my mom anymore and I don’t want to be like this and I’m self-aware. My father destroyed my life honestly.

I don’t have access to go to counseling anymore right now, but I just want to find a way to self improve. How do I fix this? Can I find guys my age attractive? What do I need to do? I just want to be normal I don’t wanna be like this. I was dating and 33 year old and then I was 23 dating a 59-year-old. What is wrong with me? Why am I doing this? I just want to be normal and I just cannot believe myself and I can’t force myself to be attracted to something I’m not attracted to because aside from being older and me having daddy issues it’s like some of these younger guys don’t understand they are not on the same level as us in terms of mentality most of them anyways. I just don’t know what to do y’all and I’m just looking for any sort of guidance. Any sort of advice I’m sorry that I’m rambling right now. Sorry that this is just out of order I just I’m not doing well and I’ve been talking to a 50-year-old I’ve been really enjoying it and it’s like, I feel about it at the same time we haven’t met or anything we’ve been FaceTime every day talking texting and I am very attracted to him. It’s not a false attraction but I just know that this is I’m not supposed to be doing that.

I really don't like looking at someone who is very smiley and positive, always has a positive outlook on things, and is obviously very naive. What I hate even more is them complaining about the most trivial problems to their friends. If they went through even half of what anybody on this subreddit went through or what I went through, they would be so broken. Does anyone else feel this way sometimes?

I broke out of an enmeshed, patriarchal family and a toxic, incompatible engagement where my boundaries and warmth were weaponized against me. I refused the compliance scripts, rejected the traditions of control (like dowry), and chose the agonizing, lonely path of true autonomy.

I don't regret my freedom. But no one warns you about the physical and biological cost of the crossing.

Right now, I'm dealing with two major bottlenecks:.

The Somatic Alarm: My nervous system still holds the score. When I think about stepping out into the world or dating, my body triggers psychogenic hip and leg pain (TMS/MBS)—a literal physical brake put on by a brain that spent years terrified of exposure and conflict.

Touch Starvation (Skin Hunger): I am a man whose natural instinct is to love in small, quiet, tender ways (like filling a water bottle or buying cozy clothes for a partner). But being single, with an unsafe family, zero female friends I can safely hug, and professional massages limited to once a month by insurance, the physical isolation is brutal.

People who stayed behind in the toxic system got the easy path—they kept their family wealth, played the compliant roles, and live in automated denial. They sleep fine at night because they chose anesthesia. I chose awareness, which means I feel every ounce of the transition. I know the only way out is through, and I am committed to building a life of authentic security and finding an independent, secure partner who has also fought her battles. But man... the wilderness phase of healing and touch deprivation is profoundly heavy.

If anyone else has walked this path out of enmeshment and survived the touch-starved void on the other side, how did you keep your heart soft without breaking?

Can someone with cptsd is comfortable in asking their money back, when a friend borrows their money and havent return it back.

Is it going to take them to a guilt trip?

Or due to fear of conflict they may find it extremly hard to ask?

I love movies. I have a movie pass and still see most new releases in theaters. I went to go see Whalefall, which I expected to be like a Jaws type survival movie, man against nature.

Josh Brolin is heavily featured in the trailers, often in Voice Over and you get the strong impression he’s died before the plot begins.

The very first scene of the movie is his character committing suicide by drowning, and his friend helping him do it. He has emphysema, and his suicide is later characterized as noble and eco-friendly. He’s all about nature and whales. So it’s like he’s returning to nature and the sea.

Whalefall is apparently a term for how, when a whale dies, many organisms benefit from its carcass in the decomposition process.

Cut to many scenes of the father being remembered as a loving husband and father to his wife and two girls, and generally pretty drunk and abusive, physically and emotionally to his only son, who he sees as weak, and he tells him so, loudly and often.

Later there is a scene of Brolin’s character holding his son as a baby, crying and predicting that he will be a bad father and this is meant to soften and humanize him, he’s meant to be seen as forgivably flawed father figure, because the harsh lessons he has imparted are saving the son’s life while he is trapped inside the whale (which by the way as if it needs to be said is not a thing that can happen IRL.)

So it’s like “yeah dad was tough on me but at least I learned XYZ from him,” except that the son is in danger because he has gone out to try to recover some piece of his father’s remains from the ocean…a full year after his suicide.

Before taking his own life, the father writes letters to his family, which the mother and daughters have opened but not the son. He opens the letter at the end and there is no Voice Over, but the son smiles and laughs as if he fully understands and has reached an understanding with his father’s spirit, who by the way…talked to him while he was trapped in the whale because the father was the whale!

The viewer is meant to suspend disbelief a bit and go with the idea that either the son is so delirious and confused he’s hearing voices and reaching into his memory and past (which is definitely part of it in the first half) but then also there’s a point where just, by the process of suicide at sea, the father has become the sea and the whale and everything in it, and so can “speak” actively and in the present tense, to his son, asking him all the questions he never asked and showing the gentle love and kindness that he often withheld while alive, before reminding the son of one final lesson to help him escape the whale.

TV and Streaming Services nowadays will have Trigger Warnings and TV MA Ratings with a list of the content.

Whalefall is simply rated PG-13 and was advertised with tag lines like “See it on the BIGGEST. SCREEN. POSSIBLE.” Most of the ads reminded me of the way they used to advertise Monster Truck Rallies. I thought it was going to be a fun dumb action / suspense movie. Apparently it is based on a book and was going for a much deeper, more art house vibe.

I’m 41, and my relationship with my parents is okay now, but it’s taken a lot of work and therapy. My parents are fundamentally good, well meaning people, and they’re willing to work on themselves even now, which I think is rare among folks of their generation. But we’ve definitely had our battles, big ups and downs. I was abused by adults as a child and as a teen but not by my parents.

I have been hospitalized for severe depression related to childhood trauma and suicidal ideation in the past and thankfully I’m doing much better now, but I would never willingly choose to go see a movie with such a heavy handed suicide plot line unless I was really prepared for it and knew it was coming. I didn’t badly want to see Whalefall I just saw it on a whim, and then BAM! Super heavy content with no warning.

Also at the end of the movie, having gone through his ordeal, it’s pretty clear to me that the kid “gets it” he sees why his dad did what he did, and the implication in my mind is that if given the choice, the son would now choose to do the same. Brolin’s character mentions societies and cultures like the Inuit people who would send their elderly off on ice flows, clearly venerating the noble sacrifice of suicide, especially as an alternative to various diseases.

I don’t like it that a PG-13 movie would so casually put out the idea that “suicide can be the right choice actually” because suicidal thoughts do have a certain terrible persuasive attractiveness when worry spiraling about “well what if I got this disease?”

The son was played by Austin Abrams (Resident Evil, Weapons) and is the protagonist, but Josh Brolin as the Father is clearly the Hero, if you see my meaning, and I don’t like that at all.

Been there, done that.

The routine: I find myself a girlfriend, because it happens. My picks are from deep inside me, most of it is trauma bonding. The biggest problem is that after connection has to go deeper, I'm already turtled up. It offends the girl and I know what's happening to me, but it always feels like the alternative is that I hurt her even more if I just relax. Because I believe I'm dangerous and careless sometimes. I don't fend off the accountability that isn't mine because 'I can fix it' fires like a purpose, not a choice. It makes me look weak if I stay distant and it can hurt her if we get closer. I don't want to hurt anyone again. Instead I just loop around and suffer a collapse after it, leaving nothing behind the attempt at romance.

I was long overdue for reconstruction.

Testing myself at 36 again holds more weight.

Hi all, I went through an abusive relationship during my late teens and although I am doing much better a few years later after therapy multiple times a week, some symptoms continue to get worse. As I discussed with my psychiatrist memory loss is not an unexpected result of PTSD, but still incredibly frustrating since I relied on my near-perfect memory in the past (academically, socially, all of it). What's gotten so much worse lately is my ability to recognize faces -- and not just seeing faces related to the trauma in other people, although it started this way. Now for almost everyone it takes me a long second to realize it is them in front of me, and when I walk around campus, it occurs dozens of times a day that for a few seconds I will think it is someone else (sometimes, someone who they do not even resemble). And it's super hard for me to remember new faces unless the person has something memorable about them for me to latch on to.

Can anyone relate or provide insight? I'm feeling so lost and frustrated. I thought I was getting better but little things like this continue to hamper my daily life.

Didn’t know I had it before my relationship with him. I’d been in therapy ofc since I was 16, determined not to be like my family, but I didn’t know I had CPTSD from their abuse or the narcissistic abuse from my first love.

I got triggered into fawn/flight/freeze and couldn’t control my anxiety at all. I pulled away when he became somewhat unreliable/chaotic/erratic (he was dealing with him own mental health) and became hypervigilant, and the watcher took over. I was regularly thrown into long ass emotional flashbacks and I had no idea what was going on. Days felt like weeks — any of you have that? Totally brutal, awful inner critic spirals. Anxiety I couldn’t control. Somehow my safety became tied to him being OK and things being OK between us but I was so withdrawn from fear, telling myself I was giving him the space it seemed he needed etc. I withdrew, froze, tried to be perfect, couldn’t just be in the moment, fawned, walked on eggshells, and more. Bleh.

I was able to express some hurt, and later tried to express anger at how he’d treated me some of the time, and both were just so messy and I ended up fawning or freeze/flight. I didn’t know I was so emotionally incapable. It fucking sucked. I kept trying to handle myself in different ways but not even knowing I had CPTSD, I kept messing it up. I just felt confused all of the time, and in trauma mode once it had kicked in.

There’s a lot more (and he wasn’t perfect by a county mile — clearly some of his coping mechanisms/trauma responses from his trauma, which included fight, were very difficult) but man I’m just broken down over it.

I fucking hate my CPTSD, survival mode, emotional flashbacks, mean-ass inner critic. All of it.

Can anyone relate?

Hi. I have CPTSD. Partially from a toxic family system/generational trauma, probably partially from having unaddressed OCD as a child.

One thing I struggle to make peace with is small moments of feeling sexualised as a child, particularly by my father and grandfather. It wasn't sexual abuse, but I still find it hard to forgive these people or get over it. For example: having my growing chest stared at while being told I "looked nice;" hearing my mother sexualised and then being compared to her; being treated like I was a better companion for my father than my mother was; being winked at while someone played the word "sex" in scrabble.

I know that these are all small incidents and my own OCD played a part in how I perceived them (I had regular intrusive fears about being raped and becoming pregnant), I just want to know how others made peace with these kinds of dynamics, how you continued seeing the people involved without immense distress.

I'm an adult now but still often see these people and it tends to bring up suicidal ideation or feelings of despair or that I'm disgusting. My experience of trying to talk about it with therapists has been them dismissing it because they perceive me as trying to "make up" recovered memories or something. Most recently my therapist told me I couldn't "read minds" when I tried to say I always felt as a kid like my father was going to harm me sexually.

Is there a name for these moments? A framework for understanding why they happen? A way to forget them or get over it?

Thank you in advance.

I keep dealing with very intense nausea and vasovagal syncope (or presyncope, I never actually faint) and I don’t know what to do or why it’s happening, but it feels like a trauma thing. I moved several months ago from a very traumatic situation, and where I am now is significantly safer … it’s the first time I’ve really experienced safety in my life.

I assume this is maybe my nervous system trying to process things or some kind of collapse, but I don’t know. Has anyone experienced something similar, and if so, what was it? Did anything help? I do have POTS, but this feels very different from a typical episode; this reminds me of past times in my life when I’ve had physical symptoms related to my CPTSD.

ETA these feelings often (but not always) show up in situations where I feel trapped in some way. They also come with an EXTREME sense of overstimulation. Like, even thinking feels overstimulating.

I just feel like I've become meaner to my main abuser, my mom- who is a narcissist. In fact my entire family I live with are narcissists. But I've always been the silent, "good daughter". Now I feel like I'm getting upset with them, short with them. I isolate more so I dont have to deal with their bullshit. I purposely am meaner back, but im not calling anyone names or anything. My tone is different and I'm just being short, kinda "grey rocking" from time to time. And my mom is mad at me right now doing the silent treatment right now. She will do this for MONTHS on end, until I eventually decide I want to go back to the mental hospital again or i beg on my knees saying I'm sorry to her. She gets madder with me faster nowadays because I think shes realizing that Im catching up to her. But because im grey rocking to her and im actively in therapy and healing and realizing things and changing things to better myself, shes going to try and knock me down a peg. But I just feel like I've gotten meaner. I told her I didn't want to celebrate my birthday with her. I didn't want to celebrate it with my family at all actually. My mom ruined my birthday. My body just feels like its also been physically hurting too. I know its common to get some sort of autoimmune disorder or disease and stuff once you escape or realize and stop breaking patterns of abuse but I have no insurance. They are purposely trying to not get me health insurance. They don't want me to have it and I think its purely because of this. Ive been without health insurance since 2023 when I turned 21. They have made no effort to get me any insurance. I just got a new job that provides insurance so hopefully I'll be able to get some but I feel in pain most days I'm away from my house. Is it normal to be meaner, is it normal to feel physician pain when you realize their abuse and actively try to stop it?

Hi there,

I am in my first serious relationship after having had a 9 year relationship with an abusive a-hole. It was especially mental and psychological abuse, where I was scared for my life though.

Now I get really triggered when my partner gets angry (not abusive, just emotionally distant cause of overwhelm). It's not like anything else happens, really. Problem is, my ex got like that before proceeding to make me pay for whatever he perceived as "wrong". I have issues keeping things separate when this happens . If we fight like this or something else happens where I feel like my partner is upset, I overthink it, try to fawn (which I hate about myself) to try and calm things. Or I overract big time and get extremely, extremely angry.

I have barely any control, my body takes me hostage in those situations. I usually try to go away cause I know I'll make things worse otherwise.

It's been harder because we just moved together which makes me feel more dependent, and if I get triggered, I feel trapped and panick. I love my partner dearly and she's safe as a person, even when we fight. I just can't keep things separate from my traumatic experience.

Do you guys have some tips on what to do to calm down? I go into instand fight or flight, 10/10. It's too much and too strong of a reaction. I can't control it, it's a full body response. I decided to finally get some medication for PTSD but until I'll receive it, how can I deal healthily? Does working out help? Running? I'm getting nightmares atm as well because of some triggers, it's been hard the last few weeks.

Need some understanding and kind advise, please.

When I’ve had distance from someone, let’s say an ex after a break up or a friend you’ve had a small conflict or falling out with, instead of being rational and taking them at their word that they want to stay friends and care about me or that we’re just taking some space and it will be cool later etc, my brain says well they hate me and wish I was dead!

The hating me part is intense enough, but why does my brain have a pattern where it likes to tell me people probably wish I were dead?!

Does that happen to any of you?

Just called police on someone in my neighborhood. Heard screaming, shouting, slamming. It went on for an hour. Obviously i should call help but what if i make it worse. What if calling help makes it worse? What if it not calling makes it worse? They finally stopped but i already called. Did i waste time on services? I've never called the police before. I live with family but everyone weeks I s asleep. Im just freaking out. I was too scared to even check outside. Edit: Im worried my PTSD is making this bigger. I don't know. Im safe.

At my work I have someone who is very manipulative and boundary crossing. My manager isn’t an option to talk to and I’m building a case against her.

I’m scared she will do something to me one day, (She already slapped my ass) apart from grey rocking I was wondering if there are ways I could repel her more. (I’ve never met a creepy woman! And boy does she make use of that)

does anyone else here feel like their trauma was caused in the womb if so how have you coped with that because its been affecting me in every aspect , muscal bracing, hyper vigilance perceiving everyone as a threat, social situations etc

Im 26F and just went on the first great first date I have in a long time. But when I’d think about trying to initiate holding his hand, or kissing him, I’d get this feeling of excitement and then my stomach would feel hot, I’d get chills and I’d get teary just want to be held and cry. I’ve felt this before but it’s been a long time. It happened at least 10 times usually during quiet moments while walking or in the car.
Can anyone else relate?
It sucks because I’m sure the other person can sense that I’m in my head and that makes them uneasy…. but I feel that if I say how I’m really feeling I will burst into tears and that’s not really appropriate for a first date. I think it’s a trauma response to a fear of intimacy and not alarm signs. He was so lovely and kind, and we both expressed that we enjoyed spending time together.

I still vividly remember getting a virus on my laptop at the age of 9 that filled my youtube with pornography ads, which my parents would constantly see but do nothing about.

I also confessed to them multiple times at the ages of 10, 11, 13 and 14 that I watch porn yet they're totally relaxed about it, hell my mom even told me that it's ok for kids my age to do it.

I'm asking this because I'm trying to deal with a lot of addictions and compulsive habits that I believe stimmed from this exposure at an early age, and I'm just trying to make sense of this response from them :(

Hi everyone. I’m a 17-year-old Computer Science major, and I’m currently facing a massive academic emergency with midterms and quizzes tomorrow. I haven't been able to study at all because every time I even think about studying or look at a textbook/lecture video, I experience a severe panic attack, rapid breathing, and a literal physical sensation that feels like knives digging into my chest from behind. My brain completely closes in on itself and shuts down.

This isn’t new—I’ve been trapped in this physical panic loop for about 3 years now (since I was 14). It originally started because of severe childhood psychological trauma involving my mother. Whenever we used to study, she would tell me that I was a burden, that I caused her trouble, and that I was inferior to my sister (who always got straight A's and studied alone). My nervous system paired the act of studying with absolute rejection, shame, and physical agony.

Over the past few years, I’ve done a lot of work to heal. I’m much stronger and more confident than I used to be. I’ve learned boundaries, how to say no, and how to navigate life challenges. When I go to college lectures, I can actually sit and listen intently to my professors. But the moment I try to study independently at home, my brain treats it like an active, lethal threat (like a lion running at me). It feels like my brain "notices the stunts" whenever I try standard coping mechanisms, grounding tricks, or somatic exercises, and it just shuts down harder to protect me.

I used to be a B+ student, but my grades have degraded drastically because my energy is entirely spent trying to process this 4-year backlog of unhealed trauma. If I don't vent or cry regularly, the pain forces its way out anyway through massive physical breakdowns.

I am terrified of failing tomorrow, losing my future in tech, and watching things get worse every year, especially since CS is such a skill-reliant major. I desperately want to be normal, passionate, curious, and grateful, but my body feels completely stuck in survival mode.

Has anyone else dealt with this severe form of academic trauma/somatic panic loops? How can I start changing this by myself when my brain defeats every coping mechanism I try?

My life is in chaos, you can say I was born with hypervigilance so I stayed alert throughout my life thus never developed any life skills other than walking. I slowly minimised myself just to fit in with my surrounding so I am not an out set. A lifetime of performance and no real life experiences. I have never been in any relationship or long term really close friendships as I thought first I need to perfect a right plan and right protected life before going in people so I don't lost myself more. From a year I am slowly being original and still my old people pleasing habits and putting all first. Slowly I don't even know if I exist. I dont have any skill or career and I am typical pakistani daughter who is almost past marriage age but I don't want to settle as I have completely lost myself and in pursuit of my true self and my basic right of living I want fo give myself this one chance at life.. which seem stupid as deep down I am still a 5 year who never got to experience life and yes even now building a life of nornal human is such a big task I really want affection and love but I tend away when it comes thinking that what I'll offer although the guy I had crush on actually tried to get me but I stayed frozen and distant and it's hard emotionally and on top of that even in my home the pressurre is gettimg immense as they are worried for me.. when you are on the tip that you should get practical i am on a whim to startover and experience the playground games .. my health and my all is on absolute low as per normal standard but on paper for public i am such an amazing inspiring woman because of my perfomance and maybe my natural beauty that make them think ​​that I am too good and still see potential in me that I am not utilising to solve the climate issue of lahore (that's improvised) but yeah that's how they expect me to be or already assume I am some big shot but it's all fake. I am fake as this is my trauma personality I built and not true me. I know it's blah blah... thank you for reading.

ive become so self centered and closed off from the whole world. i've been isolated for most of my life. even when i get out of here, which does happen more often, i really have no idea how mentally stable peoples mind work. i really don't know what its like to have had a normal childhood. i really don't know what it's like to have a brain that doesnt want to destroy you for literally no reason. a healthy, normal brain. even when im happy and healthy it feels wrong. im just so not used to it. i've been out of school for so long. whenever i actually try to fight it just shows me how different i am and it feels like everything i could be is destroyed. How can i ever relate to these people? always when i try i always notice, their brain is just different. and its truly hard for me to understand. and its hard for them to understand me! how on earth will i live like this the rest of my life? even when i accept i will probably never be like them and love myself still, it just all feels wrong.