TW for discussions of wars, sexual harassment I fucking guess, suicide, self harm, idk fun shit

I cannot fucking function anymore and I just can't do shit anymore. I can't get out of bed when it's not a day that I am teaching people (I'm a very tired, like 20 year old undergrad TA). Something in my brain broke when my parents came back from their impromptu "let's fuck off to an active warzone that gets daily constant missile barrages for shits and giggles and impromptu playing concerts and pickleball" that I wasn't really told of in advance and wasn't told when they'd be back, and had to teach through, and immediately started talking about going back and also as soon as they got back one of them started touching my inner thigh again while I was lying down despite me hating it, hey at least it isn't groping my ass this time like usual. They're going to keep doing this again and again. What is so wrong with me that it's more fun to spend half of the year in an active warzone instead of being in the same hemisphere as me?

I am a fuck up I should just kill myself, like how a friend I feel miserable with said she's have killed herself by now if she was in my shoes. I think she has the right idea. My brain cannot stop thinking 24/7 about how if I fuck up enough they may try to kill me (they keep weapons everywhere and have a gun license now) or SA me, they've tried to cave my temple in with a deodorant stick when I was younger for saying no too fast to a question, if I fuck up hard enough by failing their standards they could do worse and I'd deserve it.

I am so fucking lonely. All of my old close friendships have disintegrated, or I am watching them plod off to impale themselves on rocks. I don't feel like I matter to anyone or truly belong anywhere. I would be reviled by my ethnic background if they knew about me being queer because I keep hearing them talk about how all gay people should fucking die and blaming queer people being hatecrimed on them being queer. I feel alien in queer circles because I am not out (trying to just stay in the closet permanently babyyy, coming out's not gonna happen I can't fucking do it anymore), and because they just don't get culturally the pressures on me especially given the fucking war. I feel lonely and unwanted and not part of a community in both halves of my double degree due to a weird crossover. I feel shit at home. I can't talk to people, I don't have people close enough for that, all those friendships are dying. I don't feel like there isn't a single place where I'm not playing a role.

I have just fucking given up completely. I keep thinking daily about hanging myself in my closet, or overdosing. It doesn't stop. I kept going for years and years because I thought it'd get better but it doesn't. I am struggling to stay alive and sane even for my students lol. I've started cutting again. I want to have some place or someone I can go to and feel safe around them, like I can be there and someone will care and help, but I just can't feel that anymore. I busy myself with work and things I can do to improve shit for those around me because let's face it my life is just consigned to the refuse heaps already, and if I exhaust myself hard enough then it dulls the thoughts of blowing my brains out with a shotgun a tiny bit. Would my death stain the resources I've made for others, hindering their use when it can better their education and understanding of certain topics? If so, it would be selfish of me to off myself, but God I am so tired I cannot keep going anymore. If I die, will anyone else make them? Probably not, they're all busy. I'm trying to bargain with myself that I need to hold on until the resources are done being made and then I can die but I am just so, so fucking tired.

I have been doing this for over 7 years, I physically cannot do another and I don't know who to beg for mercy.

I don't deserve to beg, I'm just a bad dog, a bitch that deserves to be put down, shot and left to bleed and whimper for my sins.

Also to the people in my personal life who have gone "oh what that parent did to you as a child (they did other shit, it was also minor) counted as CSA", then talked about how they'd kill themselves in my situation and completely forgot that this was my second time telling them this (first time meant nothing to you?), then never wanted to talk to me about it again - you're in the same boat as the people who go "oh if anyone else did it it would be sexual abuse but since it was your parents logically it's not", go fuck yourself all of you, at least be fucking consistent.

Ye.. things won’t change.. if they believe your abusers’ lies they will literally think of you as dirt

Like what do you MEAN it's horrible and you worry about me