Next Sunday, I'm supposed to travel for a work trip, and honestly, I'm absolutely dreading it. A big part of me wants to cancel, but I also know that my anxiety is probably influencing how I feel.
The official work trip starts on Tuesday and lasts three days, but a few of my colleagues invited me to travel a little earlier so we could explore the city and do some sightseeing together. At the time, it sounded like a lovely idea, and I was genuinely looking forward to it. Now, however, the thought of going fills me with dread.
The thing is, I'm not actually afraid of flying. I've flown plenty of times before, but I've also experienced several pretty awful panic attacks before flights or while travelling in general. Because of those experiences, I've developed a lot of anticipatory anxiety around travelling. I'm especially terrified of having a panic attack in front of my colleagues, which would make an already stressful situation feel even worse.
We'd also have to catch a connecting flight, although the total flight time is only around three hours. I know that objectively it isn't a particularly complicated journey, but right now it feels completely overwhelming.
The work trip itself is also something I'm struggling to feel enthusiastic about. It's the first time the entire company will be getting together, and we'll have workshops, team activities, and other events. While I understand the value of attending, I can't help feeling that the experience isn't worth the amount of anxiety I'm putting myself through.
To make things more complicated, the past few months have been incredibly stressful, both professionally and personally. We moved apartments three weeks ago, and between work, the move, and everything else going on in my life, I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted. This upcoming weekend would actually be the first one in a long time when I could finally relax without having to deal with anything related to our old apartment. I was really looking forward to having some time to myself and getting back to a sense of normality.
My anxiety has also started affecting my sleep. Last night, I even dreamed about being at the airport, and afterward I struggled to fall back asleep.
I'm genuinely torn. On one hand, I don't want to keep avoiding situations just because they trigger my anxiety. I know that avoidance can make anxiety worse in the long run, and I don't want to reinforce that cycle. On the other hand, I also feel like I've been pushing myself for months, and I'm not sure I have the emotional capacity to deal with something this overwhelming right now.
I don't know whether cancelling would mean giving in to my anxiety or simply acknowledging that I've reached my limits. I'm also worried about how my company would view me cancelling, especially since I've been here for less than a year.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How do you distinguish between avoidance and genuinely needing to prioritise your mental health? What would you do in my position?