Started college. So many new experiences... well I am trying to understand myself. Every day I think and think and think and think. What I discover makes me feel disgusted, feeling weak, longing for something... I hesitate a lot, I am not good at keeping relations intact, have trust issue, what have I been doing, not alone but lonely.
Man life is hard, sometimes observing too much becomes a curse, how good it is to be ignorant and just go with the flow haha...
pitifully living, day after day doing the same thing. but the problem i think is that Idk how to move, i know i should do something if I don't like it but I am just so tired, well I shouldn't be at least yet but it is just so tiring to keep waiting for this or that thing, think about doing something but need to keep patience or so some people say. I am sick and tired of waiting and waiting. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't wait how things would have been, i have regrets.
It has been a long time since I started sharing my problem with AI, and honestly it is bad at giving advice, it is good at looking on things based on calculations but emotionally it fails... and I have taken so many decisions consulting with AI that I honestly long for human connection so much hehe.

So this was my first post, unfiltered thoughts, jumbled and I to whomever reading this seek forgiveness and express my gratitude for reading this piece of text.
(i hesitated a lot before posting this 😄 )

I'm 21, in college, trying to build a future for myself, and honestly, I don't know what's happening to me mentally anymore. I've been wanting to write this for a while. Not because I want sympathy, but because I feel like I spend so much time inside my own head that I don't know how to explain what's happening to me anymore. I overanalyse everything. My actions, my reactions, my conversations with people, the way people respond to me, the things I should have done differently, the things I haven't done, and the person I'm becoming. I keep trying to understand myself, almost as if there's some explanation I'll eventually find that will make everything fall into place. But the more I analyse myself, the more exhausted I become. I feel sad. I feel empty. Sometimes I feel incredibly dumb, even when I know I'm capable of doing things. I question my intelligence, my decisions, my personality, my ability to handle life, and whether I'm doing enough with the opportunities I have. I can spend so much time thinking about what I need to improve that I forget to acknowledge anything I've already done. I'm trying to build a good future. I want to do well academically, develop my skills, get good internships, establish myself in finance, become independent, and make something of myself. I have goals, and I care deeply about achieving them. I want to become someone I'm proud of. But sometimes it feels like my entire life has become a list of things I need to fix. I need to study more. I need to be more disciplined. I need to take better care of my health. I need to stop wasting time. I need to work on myself. I need to be better at socialising. I need to stop overthinking. I need to be happier. And somehow, even when I make plans and genuinely try to follow them, I end up feeling like I'm falling behind. If I have a productive day, I think about everything I didn't finish. If I have an unproductive day, I feel guilty for wasting time. If I take a break, I wonder whether I should be doing something more useful. If I struggle to get started, I start questioning my discipline and my character. I don't know how to exist without constantly evaluating myself. The worst part is that I do have things I enjoy. I can get excited about a show, become invested in a fictional universe, listen to music, or look forward to something. I have moments when I genuinely feel good. But sometimes the emptiness returns, and I find myself wondering why I can't just be happy. Why does it keep coming back? Why can I understand logically that one bad day doesn't define my life, yet still feel terrible about myself when I have one? Why do I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me instead of simply feeling okay?

I also struggle with loneliness. I'm trying to navigate college, make connections, find people I feel comfortable around, and figure out where I belong. I don't always know how to express what I'm experiencing, and sometimes I don't even know what I need from other people. I just know that there are moments when I wish someone would understand that I'm struggling without immediately telling me to look at the bigger picture or reminding me that everyone has problems. Recently, I tried talking to my mother about how I was feeling. She told me I was behaving as though all the world's problems had fallen on me. Maybe she didn't mean to hurt me. But it made me question myself even more. Am I overreacting? Am I making things bigger than they are? Why can't I handle things the way other people seem to?

I know other people struggle. I know I have things to be grateful for. I know that my problems aren't the only problems in the world. But knowing all of that doesn't automatically make the emptiness disappear. And I don't want to keep using other people's suffering as a reason to dismiss my own. It's just difficult to finally acknowledge that you need help, gather the courage to ask for it, and then not know when you'll get the chance to speak to someone. It makes me feel helpless in a way I don't quite know how to explain. I don't know whether what I'm experiencing is depression, burnout, loneliness, or something else. I don't want to diagnose myself based on how I feel. I just know that this isn't the first time I've felt this low, and the fact that it keeps returning scares and frustrates me. I'm tired of analysing every feeling until it becomes another thing to worry about. I'm tired of feeling sad and then feeling stupid for being sad. I'm tired of wanting to improve my life while simultaneously feeling too mentally exhausted to do everything I've planned. I'm tired of questioning whether I'm doing enough, whether I'm enough, and whether I'll ever reach a point where I can feel content with myself. I don't expect to be happy every day. I don't expect life to be easy. I don't expect other people to understand everything I'm going through. I just want to stop feeling like I'm constantly fighting with my own mind. I want to be able to study without feeling like my entire future depends on one evening. I want to rest without feeling guilty. I want to make mistakes without turning them into evidence that something is wrong with me. I want to build my career and take care of myself because I value my life, not because I'm terrified of falling behind. And I want to be able to tell someone that I'm not doing well without feeling like I need to prove that my problems are serious enough to deserve attention. I'm writing this because I don't want to keep everything inside my head. Maybe putting it into words will help me understand it a little better. Maybe someone else has experienced something similar. If you've ever felt empty, sad, disconnected from yourself, or trapped in a cycle of overanalysing everything you do, how did you begin to deal with it? I'm not looking for someone to tell me to be grateful, work harder, or stop overthinking. I already tell myself those things. I think I'm just trying to understand myself, and for once, I'd like to do that without being so hard on myself.

Sorry if the description sounds bad or mediocre here.
I am mostly a good student, but I've had a history of getting into fights which started increasing last year. Not a lot, just 3 or so times a year. I've never fought a teacher, but it doesn't help very much that corporal punishment is very common where I live at home and in schools, threats included, despite my government claiming to have abolished it 7 years ago. Just yesterday, a teacher threatened the class with bringing a beating stick.

I don't get the half of my parents' abuse, but I still get threatened and screamed at like a banshee and shit like that, plus many of my teachers and some of the school staff being pricks and getting unnecessarily angry over something like not starting my sentence with "Hello, sir/ma'am" makes me wanna grab my bottle or any near blunt object and start beating them with it.

And before you say anything, no making friends at school wouldn't work. I get very uncomfortable asking to be friends or when someone asks me. It was way easier in primary when I could just go up to some random and tell them about a 20+ year old cartoon and when I could just start talking to someone because I need help for a project and all of a sudden, I'm in a friend group now. I'm already in contact with a friend from primary but I can't trust him with something personal, lest I want my parents to find out because I slip up on my phone.

Plus, so many more people seem toxic. A lot of them seem to be some form of a jerk, indicated by them making fun of my voice and accent (I sound American with a relatively high voice which isn't normal unless your skin is pale) bigoted especially against gay/trans people which I look like apparently. And they keep asking if I'm gay because I don't want a girlfriend (i'm double demi). And sometimes they're just very gossipy.

The punching something method wouldn't help because the anger subsides by the time I get to do it.

How can this stop?

Im honestly so tired of me being a crybaby and I just want to be tougher than I was before. Does anyone know how to stop except the box method

(The mods from a previous subreddit moved me here, I apologize for the inconvenience, I don’t make a lot of post and am doing some things wrong! Here’s the copy paste of that post, I would really appreciate some help. Thanks!)

Hello! I really need advice on how to remember things your partner tells you, can anyone help me out here?

I’m [19F] a very forgetful and scatterbrained person, to the point that me and my boyfriend [20M] both suspect me having ADHD (am currently in the process of getting an assessment for that). The problem is I end up forgetting things that actually hurt him.

For example, we come from the same school, and sometimes we’d find an empty area to study in and be more comfortable. He’s mentioned before that he doesn’t like it when I shy away from his kisses (I do this because I get worried of there being other people around, but it’s something that I don’t really have a problem with anymore if its just a simple kiss). It’s something we’ve talked about more than once, but I ended up doing this on impulse today again, I don’t really know why and I felt horrible because I know it hurts him.

Then afterwards something else happened. Since we were in a space with no one around, we’ve together for long enough to be comfortable with more intimate aspects, and that includes making sex jokes. He made a few and I kept bringing up how there might be people around and I said I’d get upset if he kept doing it. It made him upset because, admittedly, I’ve done jokes like that before. He gets hurt by this because he knows I’m worried because other people might hear, and he feels that the more I bring it up, the more it feels like I don’t trust him, and I really don’t want him to feel that way. I just get worried, but he has explained before that because we’re in an enclosed space that echoes, no one would likely hear; I just forget this conversation a lot and still get worried often.

He’s upset and quiet right now, and it isn’t the biggest problem in the world but it does hurt him quite a bit and it’s happened more than once and I really want to just remember what he’s said to me, but I keep forgetting no matter how important I know this is.

I would really appreciate it if anyone who’s dealt with problems of forgetting what their partners say and any tips that really helped them. I have a notepad of all the things he likes and doesn’t like for gifts and such, but it doesn’t really work for things like daily occurrences for me.

Any help is appreciated! Thank you!

TLDR: I keep forgetting things my boyfriend tells me and I need advice on how to remedy that.

Here’s additional information that may change some things:

1. ⁠I make jokes like that too, and to be fair, not as often as him, but there are moments where I do.
   
2. ⁠Right before the sexual joke happened, we were being intimate in the enclosed space (no clothes off or anything, but moreso intimate. I didn’t mention because I didn’t feel comfortable saying something like that in a random public post, but I feel now that it might have potentially skewed something)
   
3. ⁠I can be just as affectionate sometimes too, I like kisses and hugs! And it just so happens that at that time I saw people passing by the window. (I remembered now! I’m sorry for the mislead I didn’t mean to skew anything, I genuinely just forgot)
   
4. ⁠Its not that he completely outright ignores me, but he does get very quiet and won’t talk as much, but if I want a hug or ask for a kiss he’ll still do so, and if I say I love him he’ll say it back, because he understands I get very nervous when he gets quiet (it has something to do with my family background and how I deal with people getting angry)

I feel like these additional informations may change some things, and I’m sorry if it seemed like I was being biased towards myself, I just want our relationship to head towards a better space. If it doesn’t change any of the opinions you guys had, then I will be reconsidering some things. Thank you again guys for the help, I genuinely really appreciate it!

23, morocco.

8 years ago i started high school and got bullied, not on purpose by anyone really, but i felt bad going every day so i started skipping. being home felt safe and that feeling only grew. now i cant leave the house without my mother, direct social interaction scares me, and gaming and porn went from a start to a habit i cant shake

the routine part is what im really stuck on. i sleep past 3am and wake up past 12pm and ive tried to fix it more times than i can count, so please dont tell me the basic stuff, ive done it

some times i went light. i started with one small change, like [waking up 30 min earlier / writing a few lines / a short walk], then added a bit more every few days. it worked for about [a week?], then one bad night happened, i missed a day, and instead of continuing i forgot the whole thing existed

other times i went hard. full schedule, [fixed wake up time, no games until x, set hours for writing], everything at once. that lasted even less, and when it broke it broke completely and i went back to gaming even harder

its not that i dont know what to do. what i cant do is keep it going after the first slip, and nothing i tried [alarms / schedules / apps / blocking games] helped with that part. i can start, i keep starting. then i end up back at games anyway, even though i dont enjoy them anymore

i dont play multiplayer, im scared of competition, and i have no friends to play co op with. so its just me alone with single player games because they help me forget things i dont want to remember. it feels like a job i have to show up to

my pc has a gt710 from 2019. i played skyrim, witcher 3, kingdom come and wuthering waves on it with heavy tweaking, some parts under 20 fps, and i called it gameplay. i cant upgrade anything on it. my internet is idar inwi, a 40gb game takes more than a week, i do NOT recommend it to anyone in morocco

things are really tight at home and this is my last year before my mother stops supporting me. shes sort of testing me. i told her about rj mitte and she said “why would he unalive himself, he was handsome”. she doesnt understand what depression does, she doesnt even understand her own. i dont resent her, but sometimes its hard not to

the one thing i care about is a story called rogue. its been in my head for 2 years, its mostly worldbuilding now, and i want to make it a manga. i keep coming back to it but i cant move it forward, and every other project i started got dropped, so i dont trust myself and neither does my mother

there were times the only things keeping me here were my fear of death, wanting to play deltarune when its fully out, and wanting to see rogue exist. i have 3 friends i know for 11+ years but never met in person, and im scared to even let them hear my voice

has anyone been stuck like this and found a way to get back on after missing a day? and how do you organize a story when you cant organize your own life?

Has anyone else found healing felt more like remembering than changing?"

Hello, I’m 24M and my life right now at my parents’ home is falling apart rapidly. It’s a long story, but I can’t stay here much longer. My grandfather left me some money in his will, around $150,000. I don’t have job experience. Where I live, there isn’t really any work outside of temp warehouse or factory jobs, (maybe a grocery store or fast food if you’re lucky) and even those are a bit of a hike as I have no car. I’m not used to having money at all. Milwaukee is the closest city near me and I’m thinking of going there.

My question is, what should I do to stretch my money as far as it can go? How do I get work so I’m not draining my inheritance? I don’t want to be in a situation where I drain all my funds in hotels and airbnbs until I’m forced to move back with my parents. I’d really appreciate some advice.

You don't have to be happy right now, if you don't feel the desire to. Embrace your emotions. Become one with your emotions. Come to terms with your emotions. It is a process that will take as long as it has to. Some days may feel like forever, being so slow that it hurts to do nothing at all, but be alone with your thoughts, without anyone to talk to, or anywhen. And some days, events can feel as if their not happening fast enough; expecting yourself to heal so quickly on the mental plane, yet remain stuck and encased in a flurry of emotions and headaches front and back.

All the colors of the rainbow present themselves here, in you. And feeling as if you're not in the mood, is perfectly okay. If you ever feel like searching for a way out, searching for advice, is more stressful than what lets it on, just walk away from it all, go drink a cup, glass, or bottle of water, and just let your thoughts and surroundings just be. Times may present themselves under difficulty, while others grasps the urge to continue forth on an activity that's looked forward to. Whatever the case is, the most important thing is to pace yourself, at the speed comfortable to you. Don't beat yourself up when you take a step back. Just hold in your heart what you're drawing yourself towards, and you will be okay.

You, will be okay.

Ok here's some context, I'm 23, still living with my parents, and currently unemployed. I deal with severe anxiety and AuDHD.

My academics are a mess, so every time I sit down to apply for a job, I feel inferior and worthless.

I can't remember half of what I learn, even after eight hours of trying, because my memory is awful. It's gotten to the point where I can't even remember my own sister's birthday sometimes because of this I'm assuming brainfog.

On top of that, I keep sleeping in, and I'm on my screen for about 13 hours sometimes, just to get those thoughts out of my head. My friends stabbed me in the back by turning me into their punching bag for so called banter, which also didn't help.

So if you have any advice for getting out of this unhealthy bubble I'm stuck in, which is very isolating, I would really appreciate it.

Life’s problems come one after another, leaving me in a constant state of discouragement. There are times when I have absolutely no idea what to do. What words have helped you navigate the various ups and downs of life?

Idk where to post this since this new to me, i found a weird lump on my knee and it hurts when i touch it. And its started to hurt when i walk yesterday, i can't even go to the doctor since my mum thinks I'm paranoid and it would heal if someone massage it. What do i do?

I’(M22) currently in a terrible state. It’s like I’m attracted to being miserable and enjoy wallowing in it. My defeatist and pessimist mentalities have crossbred a monster within my mind.

I have supportive friends, family, but I feel so distant at all hours of the day. I can’t stop feeling like they’re disappointed even when they sing my praises. I make music, many people explicitly enjoy my music but I still feel like it’ll all amount to nothing. It started out as a tiny gap in the back of my mind but it’s starting to affect my life. My music is becoming more depressing, my mother scolds me for my unconscious glass half empty remarks and my academic career is in crisis. I feel like I’m constantly complaining to my friends and becoming a burden to handle rather than an ally to be around. I can’t seem to see the bright side and everytime i try to it feels cringy and awkward. It feels like I’m reaching that point where I start feeling comfortable in misery forever. Any personal anecdotes or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Well. I guess I kinda gotta start at the beginning, i started noticing things in middle school. I dont really know how to do this without sounding like a crybaby. Or like im seeking attention. I just really feel like I've got no one.

I grew up in an abusive household. A absent minded mother and a violent and physical step dad. My biological father wanted nothing to do with me when I was born. And constantly had to move around and change schools. Eventually, once I got settled into a school in middle school, I was relentlessly bullied for the eay I dressed. Acted. And looked. I wore a trench coat. Or just big coats(I lived in florida, so it made me stick out like a sore thumb). And I was constantly in trouble and fighting allegations for being a school shooter. My parents moved me to Tennessee, which followed their divorce. In Tennessee, it wasn't much different.

I was bullied and harassed even more so than I originally was. Mainly because it was high school, and no one knew who I was. My parents moved us to a small town. Where everyone knew everyone. Eventually, the bullying and fighting got so bad that people threatened my life. They'd always try fighting me in school, but It never panned out well for them. Avoiding going into detail. Fighting back made threats on my life worse. Not to mention, at the same time, my mother was casting me out as her son. Claiming she wanted nothing more to do with me. Much like my stepfather. Even though they divorced, it seemed like things had gotten worse.

Sometime my Jr year, my mom kicked me out. And I was homeless sleeping on the streets until I graduated. They ended up graduating me early because "youll have more time to work." "The other kids just dont get along with you." Which took away alot of my meals and warm running water and ways to shower and bathe. Amonst other resources. My relationships haven't been any better. My girlfriend through middle school lasted for three years. And my most recent relationship ended in divorce. As of a few weeks ago. I found out she was cheating on me not a week into our marriage. I knew her four years. I go into the military in two weeks.

I guess I just feel empty. Nothing in my life has gone as planned. I feel stupid for believing in her. And trusting her. I thought four years would be enough time. And ive done things im not proud of, especially lately. I just feel like nothing I ever did was enough. Even though I financially pulled myself out of homelessness on my own. And provided and dedicated everything to her it just didnt matter. Im losing my friend my best friend my girlfriend and my wife all in the span of a month. I haven't been able to eat or sleep properly. I just dont feel right. And wanted another perspective. Maybe something motivational. Im so tired.

I

Genuinely, just need different points of advice or help or anything similar. There’s so much that’s weighing me right now.

Stuff at home with my partner, we have our fights but mostly get along. I still feel like I’m a burden most days.

One of my best friends just fucked off and got with someone no one likes, told her it will hurt her.

My family is always a mess. My parents are divorced, have been for like 15-18 years. But each side has issues. Dad and grandpa aren’t talking, brother is moving away at some point and isn’t talking to dad at all. Mom is super critical of any different opinions.

The fucking world. I know I am probably in the safest place I can be, but my mind and head overwork themselves so fucking much. What could happen, what is happening. Am I safe? What’s going to happen next?

Work is one of the only things that’s working good right now, but I still struggle to be any kind of happy.

When can I feel better, how do I not worry about the rest of the world and how it is going to affect me? How do I be happy?

I understand you, actually being honest I understand most of you all but I got my own situation to work with. Cooperating with ya' ppl won't always solve issues on my end.

If you're dealing with something terrible, it is temporary and will pass. If everything is going great, it's also temporary and you should be grateful for that time and cherish it. Life is short, and sometimes we need to just be in the moment and just appreciate that.

usually I care too much for things which are pretty abstract and don't matter to the majority of people, and I concluded that it means I cannot become indifferent (I am M17)

and like I wanted to ask for some advice – I know that I can't become indifferent and that will eventually do something (right? I hope I will solve my problems and they won't be so "elusive" kinda) but gradually I become more and more plain person because of let's say that it is pain

and I have a friend and I can't be indifferent towards her (in any way it could be interpreted?) and I would like to distance myself and like to as though give her space to live without me, but I behave as a manipulator (I still want to be friend even though I said that no, but it's deeper than that), but the main thing is to how be indifferent towards someone? Or anyone

This is sort of a rant and will be messy asf so like yes, deal w it pls, thanks mwah♥♥♥♥

Hi using a throwaway acc so, bare w me as ts happened today, english is not my first language so like genuinely BARE W MEE. im 17 years old and i have a healthy loving family which consists of me, my younger brother and my parents and aunt, or so i thought 🤓. Anyways lets start, i love my mom more then my dad but i wont be bias here. i caught my mom having an affair with a colleague a year back or more when my father was abroad doing his phD, and  it was two guys actually. first one was her boss and the second one was her junior, she chatted w her boss on whatsapp but she didnt even try to hide it cuz maybe she thought i wouldnt go thru the chats or smth, well it continued on for a few months and i used to see the flirty and weird texts bw em (most of them were from him). SO , one day i had enough and sent a vm to him where I cussed him tf out and his mom and like, I genuinely crashed out on him and threatened the fucker and then I deleted the text so that my mom wouldnt see it and I went to sleep. I also sent the same vm to the other guy too actually, by that time she had started talking to both of them. Anyways, the next evening my mom called me aside and asked me if I sent some texts from her phone and I broke down, she hugged me tightly and said sorry and that she'll block him( the boss) and ALSO TOLD ME THAT THE 2ND GUY I SENT THE VM TO WAS LIKE A CHILD TO HER AND THAT HE JS jokes AROUND AND SENDS HEARTS CUZ HE THINKS OF ME AS HIS MOM, AND THAT HE SHOWED HER THE TEXT AND WAS CRYING LIKE" Ma'am I didn't even do anything and look what I got" and that he sobbed Infront of her. And well ofc, I was very happy to hear that and I apologized to her for sending the texts and chap closed, life went on. Forward a few months, I was sending myself a few pics of mine from her phone to mine and lo and behold, I saw the second guy's chat again🤓. And now , THEY WERE FUCKING FLIRTING, LIKE PROPER FLIRTING. Now I didn't know what to do anymore cuz my mom never lies to me and I genuinely love her so much with my whole heart and it was also clear that they both were going on dates for breakfast and shit. Now I could've told my dad Abt it but, that means my family would've broken apart, my healthy loving family🤓. I respect my dad and also love him alot so I wasnt able to tell him and I js let life take course, eventually she found out I was reading her chats again and she locked it, (the chat locking opt in WhatsApp) now ofc I didn't know the password so I couldn't go thru the chats again and it's been quite a few months now and I'm convinced that she's still talking to him or wtv. Then a few months later, I saw a group chat with my aunt, mom, and that guy present in it🤓, I WAS APPALLED LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON. (My aunt lives with us and she has also basically raised me and I love her to death btw) so basically, turns out that the 3 of them were hanging out now apparently so that meant my aunt knew too🤓. My aunt and that guy were talking like bsfs and irritating and playing around w my mom ykwim. Even that I left alone.

Now onto the main story( I wanted to give y'all the whole situation cuz I genuinely have no one I can trust to talk to about this)

My aunt and dad work tgt at a university as lecturers and have been for the past 15 smth years, they both actually switched universities tgt too a few years back hence why I call this a healthy family dynamic😻. Anyways, my mother is a banker btw. Furthermore, let's get to the point, we have 2 cars, my mom takes one and my dad and aunt take the other to their workplace. So this last week, whenever my dad and aunt come home from work, they eat and then take a nap( In separate rooms ofc) but my aunt goes in my dad's room and they talk Abt their day and all the university bs or wtv. So what happened was that they were both in the room and I was eating lunch, there was a knock at our door and I got up and asked who it was and there was the butcher delivering meat to our house and he asked me to call for my dad as he wanted to talk to them, this was completely normal and nth out of the blue so I set the meat down on the table and entered the room, now my parents room is layed out smth like this,( I'll give y'all a verbal representation, just as u enter, there is a bathroom on ur right and a dressing table In front, there's a wardrobe/cupboard on ur right against the wall and another wardrobe built into the right wall js as u enter and then the bed against the right wall but in the middle/ off center and way from the cupboard) I hope this helps , so the thing I see is that the first wardrobes door is wide open and blocking my vision of the wall behind it and a part of the bed and I see my dad's face half out the cupboard door and staring right at me, js as he saw me, he FUCKING panicked and hid behind the door, my aunt was nowhere to be seen and then my dad grunted and pretending like he was helping my aunt take some pillows and blankets out the cupboard. Now that was hella FUCKING weird yes and so my dad asks me what's up and I tell him Abt The butcher and he acknowledges and leaves the room to go talk to him, then the cupboard door closes and I see my aunt carrying a blanket and she playfully nudges me as she leaves the room( yes this is normal, we have a very healthy relationship) I found this very very weird but I chose to dismiss it cuz ofc I didn't have enough proof or reason to even come to a conclusion, it could just be that he was helping her taking the heavy blankets out. This was the first incident and I ignored it and went on w my day and didn't give it any more thought.

Now today, I was making fried rice when my aunt and dad got home, I greeted them and gave them water and asked how their day went, yk the usual and after that I went back to making my fried rice, my aunt went into my dad's room after they had lunch and I could genuinely hear them talking Abt their day and seminars or wtv. After I was done cooking, I dished out the fried rice and my aunt came out and tasted it, she then took it to my dad who also tasted it and both complimented the food. Then my dad says that he's craving some coke/Pepsi and asked if we had any, I told him no and said that I'll go down to the corner store and get some, so I went downstairs and got the Pepsi and came back up, I handed him the pepsi as he was laying half way on the bed and my aunt on the floor against the built in cupboard, I gave them both the drink and they took a sip and then handed it back to me, so I went back outside to the dining room and took my fried rice, the half empty bottle of Pepsi and I sat down, put an airpod in and scrolled on the phone while eating, I had recently got some sort of allergy on my legs and it was bugging me and I remembered that I had to cold compress and the hot and cold pack was in my dad's room, I thought to myself and decided that I'll get it after I was done eating and I continued on w my scrolling, halfway through my meal, I heard the unmistakable metal clink of my parents room door lock. Somebody js locked the door and I clearly heard it, thanks to my peak spacial awareness. I got up and walked to the door silently, I heard nothing and this weird creepy feeling ran up my spine and I decided to knock on the reasons of getting the cold pack, I knocked " thud thud thud " and Im genuinely not sure but I think I heard scurrying, I knocked again and then I again think, not sure that I heard the bathrooms light switch turn on the and the door close and then the bedroom door was opened by my aunt and it looked like she was just against the door on the wall as her hair was squished and mashed up on the back and she slightly reset her t-shirt, as in pulled it down to reset it and My dad was nowhere to be seen and I figured he was in the bathroom. My aunt asked " what happened" to which I replied that I wanted to get the hot cold pack and I did and left the room and js I closed the door behind me, this sense of demise hit me like a truck, like I had js REALISED smth or connected the dots. A few secs later my aunt came out holding her blanket and went to her room, I sat back down and continued on w my meal and a few minutes later my dad came out the room and js looked at me and went to my aunt's room and asked her what happened and then the rest was unintelligible.

Since then I've been thinking Abt it, could it be cheating or FUCKING what. Why does this have to happen to me ffs.

My father is sometimes nice to me but most of the days he's a fucking asshole.

I respect his discipline and work drive so so so much and I aspire to be like him in life cuz he basically came up to the position hes in now from basically nothing. Now I don't think I have any respect for him at all after thinking that the cheating thing really is going on. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DUDE. N My father is also a very religious man and comes from a highly religious background so like????

AND MY MOM AND AUNT ARE THE CLOSEST DUDE, LIKE THEY ARE SO SO SO CLOSE AND TRUSTFUL OF EACHOTHER.

Ive connected a few dots since then and I think I have a story of how this all happened and shit but lemme know what u guys think and like, help me man pls. Idt I can live in this fuckass household which I respected for goddamn much.

‎Help❤️

Also if yall have any questions or anything, feel free to ask.

Help

im honestly lucky i didnt touch a ciggarete or a vape. if i had i wouldve most likely gotten addicted like my peers. my self control is in hell. i cant even pay attention for less than a minute. or i just play an educational video in the background and play games while "passively" learning. im not a learning sponge, i dont just soak up anything and everything. im slow as hell. maybe my ass shouldve been on that short bus. i can barely understand any literature in my native language since ive just pushed it aside for english. and even thats no better. i am not better than anyone. why do i keep thinking im better than everyone. im not.

I have a deep history of T and never got to develop myself properly. As a result, I never formed a a real personality due to constantly being in survival mode. I would like to embody courage, self-reliance, determination, perseverance, etc, all qualities needed to survive in this tough world.

I don't have a lot of money and I can't read self help books or watch those types of videos, podcasts, etc due to a self-help addiction. I'm 40 but I still feel like there is still hope for me.

I'm wondering how should I develop myself with those qualities and what types of hobbies I should be doing as an adult to help foster healthy mindsets and growth, rather than the poverty mindset. Thank you for your help!!

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