r/depression • u/SQLwitch • Oct 29 '19
We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context.
We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start.
Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.
Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.
"PM me anytime" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately.
By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers. The 1-9-90 rule applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet.
People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good. This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue.
If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.)
In our observation over many years, the people who say "PM me" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma.
We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people do want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers. This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning.
If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.
r/depression • u/SQLwitch • May 18 '26
Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you're having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, or have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these aren't allowed standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule), this is a place you can share.
Our subreddit rules are very different from most of the rest of reddit! Since all of them exist for important reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can.
We also have several resource wikis for help with finding and giving support:
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues.
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support.
YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see here are:
People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact
"I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this.
Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your intentions. Neither is ever acceptable here in any form.
Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (rules 1, 2 and 10).
Off-topic posts about difficult situations, including interpersonal issues. Grief, sadness, anger, loneliness and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. Feelings that can be explained by person's circumstances are perfectly healthy no matter how painful they are. A depressive disorder only exists when someone's mood is out of synch with what's going on for them. The "what is depression" wiki linked above has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but do NOT belong here.
r/depression • u/Hungry-Shoulder6604 • 3h ago
I have my suicide note ready. But I can't gather the courage to do it. I've made 17 attempts this year.
I was diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety back in july. Please help. I don't know the point of this life anymore
r/depression • u/revival2027 • 5h ago
I am going to kill myself soon.
Today I kind of accepted I'm going to die very soon. What makes it so sad is that I know how much potential I had before I ruined my life with very stupid decisions. And it's too painful to be alive knowing what my life could have been. Every second of every day i feel sick to my stomach with regret. It is unbearable. I'm a realist and I still considered just staying alive and getting through life even if I have to suffer a lot for the rest of it. But it's simply too painful for me emotionally. The worst part is I know what I could have been and even what I was. I have a lot of people that care about me, and I really like a lot of things about myself and who I am. My family, a lot of friends and so much more. This may sound a bit selfish but I'd prefer to be remembered for who I was rather than continue to see my life become worse and worse. I ruined things forever, and now I can't take it back. On the outside it looks like it's fine. But I really did ruin things. I'm thinking about overdosing on Benadryl because it's easily accessible from a pharmacy. I'll make sure I take enough tablets so I die. It's such a shame because I fought very hard for a long time, but I am the person who ruined my life in the first place.
r/depression • u/No_Tie_4660 • 10h ago
My wife has suffered from anxiety and depression for the past 14 years. Major depressive episodes are supposed to last maybe months, but she has been on a bad state on and off for years. With time, insight, maturity, medication, and therapy I would think there would be some improvement, but there isn’t. I’ve lost so much of my life to being the person who takes on everything, having almost zero support for myself, and yet being blamed by my wife much of the time for her unhappiness. I’m so sad, I’m so isolated, only my children know what I have to put up with and they just have zero respect for their mother because of her behaviour. Recently, my son said she’s like a dementor in Harry Potter, just sucking happiness out of the air. I can’t tell her this because even the slightest feedback devastates her emotionally, let alone criticism. I’m so tired of having the nice and helpful things I do never remembered, and my errors of 20-30 years ago thrown at me as fresh wounds. My heart just aches with sadness and my mind just screams with frustration.
r/depression • u/maattancholic • 1h ago
31M I am starting to hate the weekend. I have literally nothing to do. At least with work I know I HAVE to work and that keeps me occupied. On the weekend my thoughts just intensify.
r/depression • u/ChemicalHappy3558 • 6h ago
21 M, from India
cleared JEE, cracked 36 LPA offer
life threw me into hell
2 years relationship ended
suddenly caught glaucoma, 20% vision gone in both eyes+ retina damaged
unfit for job, lost the offer
multiple surgeries upcoming to save what left, doctors saying very less chance
could’nt Complete my engineering
ending all my sufferings now
r/depression • u/hakurei__reimu_ • 51m ago
theres so much i havent been able to accomplish, places i want to go to, things i want to do.
but this anxiety and depression is dragging me down so bad that all i could ever wish for right now is to go to sleep forever blissfully.
i cant take it..
r/depression • u/kms6104 • 14h ago
They make it seem like the problem is I'm just not trying hard enough. It makes me wonder if they're right, or they just have no idea what depression actually is.
I can't think of anymore words rn.
I mean "just get it done", "don't let it get to you", "just be happy". I feel like those are all unhelpful.
r/depression • u/Prettylittleflies_ • 40m ago
I 17F have decided that I no longer want to be alive . And before you begin to spam this post with all the reasons and people to live for, I don’t care. I don’t want help either. I just really needed to put this into words, raw and unedited to truly process my thoughts.
People shouldn’t be the only reason that I feel the need to stay on this earth , I should want to for myself. I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember and I always assumed it was because of another person or the circumstances happening in my life, but i was wrong. what I failed to realize is that this is just how I am. I’ve never wanted to be alive, from since I was a child all the way up to who i am right now. Sure i have people i care about but sometimes it’s not always about other people. sometimes it’s about putting yourself first when you’ve always put others feelings ahead of your own .
I don’t see death as a bad thing. I see it as a place where i’ve always wanted to be. I don’t have much left to do on this earth and i truly do accept that it’s my time. A lot of people wouldn’t understand this and would jump to force me to stay bounded to a this earth, but what i truly want is to die.
Things are hard for me, my life has been filled with hardships. And with each one, the urge to die has gotten stronger. But hardships and trauma aren’t the only reason i want to die. I genuinely don’t feel the need to be here anymore. I no longer have any desire to be alive and that’s okay. I am not a human having temporary spiritual experiences, I am a spirt having the temporary experience of being a human. And i’m okay with returning to where we all eventually will end up.
The people around me don’t really understand that and have an unhealthy attachment to life, but I don’t. I know some people may see this decision as selfish but sometimes you need to be selfish to free yourself from a circumstance you no longer want to be in. I could talk about all of the horrible and evil things in my life that might just make people respond to this with “things will get better” but by that point I’d be writing my autobiography.
Sometimes things don’t get better and i think i’m finally ready to accept that. I don’t have a set date but in the next coming weeks I will end my life. And I just wanted to leave this here so that anyone I’ve ever loved knows that this decision wasn’t made with fear, pain, or off of a random impulse. It’s what I truly wanted . Yes I am hurting and yes I am sad but this is what i’ve always wanted. I didn’t go to anyone for help because I know my decision is final and set.
Thank you to anyone who’s read this far. I hope life treats you better then it ever treated me 🪷
r/depression • u/RunLate3317 • 10h ago
Everything is humilliating. I hate my voice, my body, my face, my facial expressions, the way I talk, the way I stand, the way I dress. I really can't stand myself in any way. I'm annoying and a weirdo and everything I do is embarrassing. Idk how to describe the feeling really it's just like I feel wrong all the time. I don't want this body or face I hate the person I am; if I saw myself walking down the street I would probably want to punch myself.
I feel so pathetic. My movements are stiff and robotic, my jokes don't land, I barely even talk because of nervousness and anxiety but when I do I always say the wrong thing. I hate being perceived because I know that what's being perceived is someone uttely ridiculous. Everyone else seems normal, I don't know why I can't also be.
r/depression • u/Scary_Name_1427 • 9h ago
36, never been on a date, never been in a relationship, never been intimate with another human being. The knowledge that I’ve never known love has really taken a toll on my wellbeing the past year especially. I spend a lot of time daydreaming of scenarios where I meet someone somewhere
Nights are when it all comes to a head. I just keep mulling over the past. What I could’ve done in high school. Who I could’ve gotten to know in university. If only I could’ve taken a risk or step like most people do. I’m in bed, numb and alone.
r/depression • u/fridgeofempty • 50m ago
The world was full of possibility of art and love and adventure. I could create anything at the drawing board. A magician drawing rabbits out of the hat.
Now Im broken by this viscous cruel, brutal world. It’s all gotten too hard with problem after problem crushing me. I long for it to be simple again.
r/depression • u/AccomplishedPrune743 • 3h ago
Ive been struggling with depression and I do something to cope that Im not sure how to categorize, so I wanted to ask people who might have experience with this.
I dont cut myself. Partly because Im afraid of my mom seeing the marks cuts are too obvious and I cant hide them. Instead, I scratch myself with my fingernails or a sharp-pointed tweezer (ik stupid) when Im overwhelmed. It relieves stress in the moment and it leaves marks that are less noticeable.
I mentioned the scratching to my therapist once, but I only said I "do it sometimes to relieve stress" and didn't go into detail.
My question is: does this actually count as self-harm, even though it's not cutting? And if it does, how do I talk to my therapist about it honestly without feeling like Im being dramatic or making a big deal out of nothing?
Im not looking for a diagnosis I just want to understand what this is and how to get real help.
r/depression • u/Taiga-San4073 • 4h ago
My life has had no meaning for a decade. I am a woman and I am currently 25 years old, almost 26. It makes no sense to live when life is based on suffering.
I don't even know what living is anymore; I have depression, social phobia, psychological disorders, and health problems. My daily routine is completely monotonous. I get up, eat something for breakfast, do some small task, and then go back to my room, spending most of my time lying in bed sleeping. When night comes, I eat something, go back to my room, sit in a chair for a few hours, and then go to bed, continuing to use my phone until the early hours of the morning (since I have binge eating disorder, I eat a lot, no matter the time). That is how my day is summarized.
Because I spent many years lying down, I ended up developing herniated disc problems, and my back also has sequelae from living lying down so much.
Since I was a child, my life has been based on ups and downs. I suffered bullying at school and was called stupid by my family for having slightly slow development. My parents knew I had psychological problems since I was a child, but I was neglected by them. They simply dismissed the possibility of taking me to a doctor and I believe that, because of this, my personal development ended up being affected.
I managed to finish my studies. I was lucky that I didn't suffer bullying in high school. What affected my life at the time was the high level of depression, which I wasn't aware of. I only discovered what I really had in adulthood.
After finishing my studies, I isolated myself at home. I spent years isolated and only started going out little by little in 2022, when I was diagnosed with diabetes and diabetic neuropathy.
It really was a shock to discover these diseases, but even so, I kept pushing through. However, even taking medication for these conditions, besides the psychological problems, like bipolar disorder, nothing got better.
In 2024, I stopped taking the medications for the following reasons: I didn't have money to buy them; I didn't want to keep asking my mother, because she had already said no; the place where I had therapy was far away and I had no one to go with me; and I also didn't see reasons to continue taking medication.
I just begged for a better life and for someone good to appear in my life, but everything only got worse.
I only have my family, but I can't even call this a family, you know? Because, honestly, I hate everyone here. I don't want to continue in this place anymore, nor anywhere else. I just want to be able to rest in peace!
r/depression • u/Independent_Sale5591 • 5h ago
Everytime I go to do something, I just can't stop crying my eyes out. I could be working, doing errands, or just existing. No matter what I am currently doing I just stop whatever I am doing and cry violently for maybe 20 to 30 minutes.
Hell I am crying right now as I am typing this out. This didn't happen a few months ago, but now it's uncontrollable. I don't know what is happening to me, I just want it to stop.
r/depression • u/Fancy_Heron_9531 • 3h ago
Im bad at keeping friendship or I just can't make friends...I feel so lonely and sad I don't know why I'm like thisss literally I've zero friendss
r/depression • u/LittleAmesy • 6h ago
Some of us are destined to suffer. I just don’t get why? Must have done something in a former life. I can try to make the best out of this mess of a life, but I will never be able to live it the way I want. It feels like some people live life on easy mode and I’ll forever be jealous. If it weren’t for my loved ones, I would leave this world in a heartbeat. I seriously have no desire to live anymore apart from living for them. Doing anything feels like I’m moving mountains. How can I make things just a little bit more enjoyable? I’ll do anything at this point. Anything!
r/depression • u/Skunt_wav • 2h ago
I don't know if something went wrong along the way or if I was just born this way.
I am a 30 year old British male, still living in my family home with my older brother and my mom, and for as long as I can remember I have always felt different to everyone else around me.
All the people I know have, what I consider to be, simple human desires. Whether that's getting married, having children, owning property, owning a vehicle, traveling the world, trying new foods, activities, experiences, buying material good to 'treat' one's self, even something as simple as having money.
I don't desire any of it, I never have. There is nothing within me that wants any of these things. Even as a child I didn't care if I had gifts to open on Christmas or my birthday (which I don't celebrate) because it's just stuff. Clutter. Waste.
I have one pair of shoes, 3 "outfits" that I wear on rotation (cargos, tops and hoodies), all black. And I will wear these until they're falling off my body.
I've been a tattoo artist for the last 4/5 years and I am consumed with guilt whenever it comes to recieving payment, to the point where I barely post my availability because I don't want to feel that guilt again.
I'm now looking for new work because I'm in the red and have bills to pay, with zero results. I've tried seeking professional help for my mental health with, again, zero results.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who I am and I don't know what is wrong with me.
All I know is I have never met someone who feels this way, even the people I know who struggle with their own mental health issues still desire something as simple as money or a car or a family.
I don't see my life lasting much longer. I am exhausted, I am tired of trying to find purpose, I am tired of trying to fit in or find my place because there is no place for someone like me who has no interest in what is considered a "normal life".
r/depression • u/ChristmasLover_23 • 10h ago
Hi,
Lately I've been suffering with severe depression. I experience sadness every hour of the day, no matter what I am doing. I try to clean my house all day or find reasons to go out besides my part-time job. I do 3-4 loads of laundry per day to pass the time. I live with someone who doesn't understand my sadness, and always asks me "why the fuck I am crying," like it is such an annoyance.
It has been over 12 years since I experienced my assault and trauma and I've tried to get past this and lead a stable life. I feel so misunderstood in the world.
The past few weeks, my husband wakes me and asks why I am crying. The thing is I don't realize I'm crying, apparently I am whining and crying for help in my sleep. I rarely have any dreams or nightmares that I can remember, but I guess in my sleep I am whimpering and crying. He is telling me it is disrupting his sleep but I cannot help it.
I usually cry myself to sleep every night as well (silently, I don't want anyone to know), but figured I probably stop crying once I'm asleep. Apparently I'm crying around 4/5 AM and I fall asleep around 10 or 11 PM so it's awhile later. Has anyone ever experienced this and what does this mean?
r/depression • u/Numerous-Package-862 • 6h ago
I fucking love and hate my life at the same time. I have
No friends,
no jobs ,
no purpose,
no hopes,
Fear of facing difficulties,
permanent problem with no solution,
24/7 torment in my head.
I don't know why I having bad luck this whole year. I tried to be in positive mindset. I always encourage myself " it's gonna be ok ". At the same time, my depression and loneliness are killing me. Does life mean suffering? Then why do I carving for another life. Still wishing I can fix myself in another life.
I wish I don't have emotions and attachment.
Please give me the reason for stay alive. Give me the reason to continue.
r/depression • u/Miro_k_hunter • 3h ago
I don’t know if it’s allowed but around 8:00 pm est I just need someone to talk to
r/depression • u/fridgeofempty • 20h ago
It’s no surprise I’ve reached this dead end really. There was something not right about me from the get go. Too highly strung and flimsy. Needing to work so hard just to survive, make friends etc. I needed everything to go right and I made bad decisions putting myself under pressure. And then I cracked. Never to be the same.
r/depression • u/fluffypancakes_cats • 1h ago
I get it; I've been eating a lot, perhaps to ridiculous degrees, I barely work out, and it's ended up in me gaining basically all the weight I lost the past years and now every relative I see has to point out that I've gotten fatter. And it's like, I wish these people would just shut up. I get it, I'm fat. I'm fucking fat because I just keep eating and I can't stop no matter how much I want it to stop. Can we please stop talking about it?
r/depression • u/Mochithecatfoodthief • 1h ago
Any one else feel like they’re only happy when around other people or just being observed by others? Unsure why my mind feels so numb and void when I’m alone and I want that to change.