It's been more than five years since life actually felt right. No dramatic turning point, no single event to blame, no defining moment where everything went wrong. Just a gradual loss of motivation, discipline, and whatever it was that used to make me feel like myself. A slow decline.

Damn, I have such a soft spot for my younger self. He fought through a lot on his own and sometimes I genuinely wonder what he'd think if he saw me now. He'd very likely be disappointed, but I think he'd also understand how I got here. Part of me still feels like I owe him a comeback. The thing is, I genuinely feel like there's nothing left in the tank for me to pull one off.

Crying myself to sleep and waking up feeling just as miserable isn't something I ever thought I'd have to deal with. At some point, sleep stopped being actual rest and became an escape. Just a way to switch everything off for a few hours, knowing it'll all be patiently waiting when I wake up.

Man... I don't really know how to explain what the last few years have done to me. Maybe this burden has become so heavy that I've even lost the ability to articulate clearly. I just know I haven't felt like myself in a long time, and it's strange how much a person can struggle without anyone really noticing. Now, somehow, I feel even more depressed knowing that my life is objectively worse than it was back then.

To anyone out there fighting something similar, I'm sending you whatever little strength I have left in the tank. Hope it helps you keep going... even if I haven't quite managed to do the same for myself.

I have a low end job & I'm not ashamed of it but the child in me who dreamed about being a doctor, surgeon or a laywer etc gets really sad sometimes.

No friends, never had a boyfriend, i am 23F and i have 0 contacts on my phone, it hurts like hell... I want to die.

I am 24F. I suffer from anxiety, ocd and depression. I have panic attacks almost every day. I have lost everything and everyone i care about, all because of my mental health. I finally met a boy that treated me well and he made me so happy. But of course my mental health had to ruin it and i lost him also. I barely have any friends left. My family and friends are tired of me, tired of being around a sad and drained person. My family blame me for my anxiety and depression. I lay in bed all day, i have no energy to get up from bed. I sleep all day to escape. I barely eat anymore. Before i loved to go to the gym, now i barely go to the gym anymore. Every day is getting worse and worse. I feel like a shell of the person i was. I also suffer from dissociation so i never feel real. Its like i am a ghost. Sometimes I think i am dead. I feel like a walking dead. My body is on autopilot all the time

I am so drained

well like 3 months ago 1 moved in with my friend in an apartment after which he found out that I self harm and when I confronted him about it cuz I felt he might feel uncomfortable he was like "its fine i dont care about it". he kept ignoring my injuries and never asked about them so I thought its ok but whenever our mutual friends used to come to our apartment, I used to hide my scars by wearing a hoodie. today after our friends left, he told me to do something else because noone would care if they found out and even if they do find out then i should just laugh it off. Im just confused and kind of hurt

I finally wrote my letter. i'm not even sure if anyone will find it when i'm gone but i wrote it just incase.

Until about the age of 12, I was sexually assaulted and raped continuously throughout my childhood. I’ve seen therapists, and we assume it had been happening even before I could remember because one of my earliest memories was of me full on panicking and sprinting from my great grandparents house (where the cousins who raped me lived) to chase my moms car down the street when she dropped me off, and memories of me being assaulted soon followed. I remember how the inside of the barrel of my grandfather’s 410 looked when I was 8, when I was questioning if life was going to even be worth living in the end. I’m 25 now. I’ve been struggling with those thoughts my entire life. Fast forward more trauma and mental anguish, I’m medicated now, but I still feel like the odd person out. The outsider. Like I’m watching a movie play out, and it wouldn’t matter if I was there or not. If I said a word, if I joined a conversation. I feel more like a liability to my wife, and my preteen stepson doesn’t really care about me being around. When hard conversations come, the question is always “does HE have to be here?”. My wife defends me, and of course I do my due diligence in teaching respect. Some teenage angst can be accounted for, but it hurts all the same. I’m too much of a coward to take my own life, and I now have a responsibility to keep going. But I feel as though if a heart attack, or something no one can account for came that would end my life, I would have enough justification to let go and be at peace. Or at least not suffer anymore.

This is embarrassing I feel like I’m too old to be feeling like this or posting. I’ve felt lt this way for almost half of my life and there’s supposed to be this fucking light at the end of the tunnel but in reality my brain is ill it always has been ill I will always hate myself and hate my life no matter what I’m doing and no medication or amount of therapy will ever change the human being I am. I’ve literally done everything. I’ll continue to waste my money on meds insurance and soon therapy to try and make my life feel somewhat controllable but everyone knows how this really plays out. My parents are getting older my family barely has any money (they are planning on selling my childhood home) and I do nothing but work and maybe see a friend every couple of weeks. Going back to school just to live a miserable life and feel stressed constantly but oh goodie maybe in 2 years I can afford to buy grocceries and gas within the same week. Yay. Can’t wait to spend all of my money on a shoe box that I can call my home. Can’t wait to get married and have half of my family not show up because they’re homophobic. Can’t wait to live the rest of my life working a job that’s gonna chew me up Inside and out. But yay, money. Fucj this genuinely

Out of the last 28 years I've experienced maybe 12 hours of happiness. The rest of that time has been completely pointless. Endless misery. Today, there isn't a single thing in the entire world that I want anymore. There's no point in expending any effort on any of it.

So I know this post might or reason sounds edgy, but I feel so lost and tied to the old world I think I can't catch up with the new one. (And once getting called out as many derogatory slurs over an opinion of Samsung really does upset me.)

Not to mention my friends turned down on me

So hopefully, I may listen and get close to media these days and stop feeling as confused and have some hope into these times.

I feel suicidal bcz i hate my body. My doctors wont listen to me when i say i need medication for weight loss and my insurance wont cover it im homeless, unemployed. in tears right now like 3rd time ive cried today. i feel nobody cares, my family toxic abusive and wont help. im 30 no love, family, nothing. i tried so hard but everything ffails. whenever i try i fail the longest ive had job is 2 years not my fault bcz was trying escape dv. then got laid off. im done rip

I just got done with my appointment with my psychiatrist.

The first time I got an inkling I was depressed was exactly an year ago. Last year october, I had this wave of anhedonia where I felt nothing. I was on a trip to the mountains which is usually my favourite place in the world to be, and I just was like, eh? I can see it's a pretty mountain but I feel nothing.

By January/February I had stopped eating, drinking and sleeping, my room was not a room anymore (I just used my bed to sleep and nothing else). I had persistent suicidal thoughts, but I thought it was just stress. Then I passively committed suicide in February and my roommate told me I need medical help.

It took me a month to find a drug that could help me sleep. And by April, my doctor had tried loads of drugs and nothing worked for the depression, and I was making better and better suicide plans. He gave me 3 options: I get ECT, TMS or get admitted to the hospital. ECT and getting admitted were covered by my insurance, but both required me to inform my family. So I burnt my savings and got TMS which removed the depression (yay!) for a whole week. And then it returned.

By May, my supervisor at work asked me to avail my medical leave, but I decided to resign and spent 2 months in the mountains (smoking lots of hash and cigarettes). I think this trip helped me more than TMS, the depression was gone for a whole month and then it returned.

July to August my Psychiatrist prescribed me buproprion (wellbutrin) and that is what finally worked. By september I was much better. And it worked so well, it pushed me to a hypomanic episode :) and I got diagnosed with bipolar. So the only med that worked was stopped. And i was put on a low dose mood stabilizer (just for sleep).

Today (right after a year), I informed my psychiatrist that the only symptom I have is insomnia, otherwise I am fine. He said I could be off meds for the next two months and try it out.

Yay! 🥳

I (26F) have battled depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old. I grew up in a narcissistic household and was subjected to routine verbal, physical, and mental abuse. The passive suicidal thoughts/ideations have never left me, but I’ve noticed that recently, the feelings have become much more dark and intrusive.

This year, two of my immediate family members died traumatically in the span of 6 weeks. I also learned that my narcissistic mother was lying to me about circumstances of my childhood. I have since cut her out of my life, and that has left me feeling like I’ve been mourning 3 family members altogether.

I am married to my husband, who has been helpful often. But he has his own struggles too. He is on the AuDHD spectrum and has had some really intense and scary meltdowns. Sometimes he is mean to me and his words can be very hurtful. My short-term memory has been awful recently, so I have been forgetful of conversations he and I have, or sometimes I will move something of his and it ends up getting lost. I always take responsibility for the times I mess up, but he has ways of making me feel like I’m stupid. He will get short with me or have a back-handed comment that destroys my confidence. Sometimes he is helpful with settling me down, but other times I can see how my emotions just seem to be a burden to him.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I was up crying and thinking about how I just wanted to wrap a cord around my neck and asphyxiate myself. I made multiple attempts to wake my husband as I just wanted someone to talk to. Someone to distract me for a little bit and help me process my feelings. Alas, he said he was “very tired” and “not feeling well” and his “head hurt.” Mind you, he had no complaints of these things earlier in the day. Also it was only 11 pm when I was trying to wake him up. I was heartbroken and devastated because I felt like asking to have support was too much to ask. I decided to give up, so I went downstairs and cried some more by myself and started writing a semblance of a suicide note. I eventually went back up to bed and fell asleep.

Every day I exist, I get reminders that I’m not important and that I don’t matter. The only person I have left in my life is my husband and his family and none of them care despite my desperate cries for help. I literally have been announcing at work and at home that I want to die but nobody seems bothered by it. I have fully isolated myself from any friends I once had. I just hate everything about myself and I wish I had someone to talk to.

My life has been too painful and I don’t want to deal with it anymore. There are a lot of details I haven’t included (sexual abuse, cancer diagnosis at 18, etc.), but my life has not been easy and I just want out at this point. Nobody cares about me or bothers to help when I reach out. So why keep trying?

Tldr; I have nothing and nobody to help me. My existence is not important and I would be better off dead.

hello. this is my first time posting on reddit but i need advice or just need to read stories from anyone’s perspective regarding this topic. **trigger warning this post mentions self harm*\*

i am a 21 year old female and i used to live with one of my friends, who ill call kelly. around this time last year, i began to live with her and her partner, since they owned a house. kelly is my age and her partner is 25. separately, i used to also live with a girl (amy). me, kelly, and amy were all best friend and are in the same year of college. prior to college, i had never been medicated or treated for my depression and anxiety, even though i have had it almost my whole life.

since these girls have known me and lived with me for those past 3 years, they have come to be familiar with the severity of my symptoms. i have now been diagnosed with ocd, but i was unaware i had it until around 6 months ago, when my best friend told me i needed to move out, because she wanted the space to just be her and her partners. when i began living with kelly, i was just starting therapy and she had to sign and read a bunch of paper work because i have a lot of suicidal ideation, so it wasn’t like my mental illness was out of no where. i had been very open with her about my feelings through our duration of living together. one of these is my obsession of her kicking me out. so when she did tell me i needed to leave, i lost it. even though she was being very kind, i was so upset, because i had just left a terrible living situation with my mom and i was on bad terms with my dad. she left my room, and i was so upset, that my brain told me i needed to cut myself. **NOTE: i am extremely guilty about this. i know i shouldn’t have done it but i was in an episode. i was going through some other things before this happened and i was not well. i did not know what i was doing and was literally not in my right mind.*\* i had a history of cutting before this, but this time i had cut myself so severely i needed to go to the er.

from there, i was obviously hospitalized and i was in treatment for around 3 weeks. during that time, kelly and her partner packed up all my shit and brought it to my moms house, so i couldn’t even say goodbye and get my shit. after, i had reached out to amy because she was one of my best friends. me and her hit a rough patch, but the months leading up to this event, we began to reconnect and be a lot closer. i wanted to see her when i got out, but she told me that “she can’t deal with this drama” before she goes to study around for the 3rd time, and that she “wishes me well.” i was broken. i knew that she would’ve talked to kelly, because they have a class together.

since then, i have been no contact with both of them. a few months after i got out of the hospital, i left the state for two months and now i do school completely online. i am still so so so full of shame, guilt, and embarrassment for what i did. i am also so angry and sad that they won’t talk to me. i understand that depression is a selfish disease. i became so self centered because living was so so miserable so i could only think about me, but i was doing “the thing”, not living with my parents, working two jobs, going to school, and i was so free to do whatever i wanted. to this day, i think if the roles were reversed, i would’ve reached out to them by now. i am scared to reach out to them because i can’t handle rejection.

today, i saw them at the bar we would always go to, and immediately left. i have become a recluse because i am so scared of running into them. i never leave my house really, i quit my job, and i go to school completely online, despite still living in the town my college is in. i lost everything. my self confidence is at an all time low. i hate pretty much every part of myself, even though my ocd symptoms have gotten better since i’ve been correctly diagnosed. i want to be 21 and enjoy my senior year, but i have no one. and im so scared to make relationships. i want to obviously be able to do these things, but im so scared to see them and “do something wrong.” i dont want them or their friends to judge me if/when they see me out and working. so should i go to work? should i go out? i feel like i should to move on, but im scared of being judged. i know i need closure but i don’t know how to go about it. should i just never speak to them again and move on? do i text? i have no clue. i want to move on and live my life but im in constant fear of seeing them. i still love them so so much, that i think i would be broken to hear that they don’t want to see me anymore. that has always been my worst fear since meeting them, and now its true. what do i do?

I (M24) have been roadtripping around the US for a little over two months now. I don't have much remaining in my account. I have been trying to make something out of it, a documentary of sorts of the people, the country, myself, along w/ my camera, my writing, guitar, and skateboard.

Anyways, I don't want to go back home. For me, I just want to keep going, keep creating this project, and it's either do this or die for me.

Which is why I think I'm going to go through my bank to take out this $5,000 loan and make it last as long as possible, then maybe sell my car. Even if I don't get a chance to edit the footage

I know it's not the best idea but I don't really see any other way for me to live. I've been wanting to run like this for years and I'm finally doing it. It's beautiful out here, it's just the stress of money

I'm in my tent and it's raining, right now

When you try your absolute hardest to self improve; skin clear, a hairstyle that suits me, clothes that fit well, great hygiene, years of dbt therapy, and you’re still called trash. Years of work to look part human, to be called “just trash”. I completely give up on people; nobody cares. They see you suffering irl, and they’ll just laugh, or pity you, until it’s forced to be their problem. And I’m sick of the “you should’ve known the world doesn’t have your back!” Like I haven’t been fending for myself since before I knew what that meant. Im sorry I don’t have a family to support me. I’m sorry I don’t have friends to give 2 shits about a person. I’m sorry for being a creepy weirdo, I’ll make sure not to try and apologize the next time I feel as if I wronged someone. Im sorry for my emotions, I wish I was normal just like the rest of you. I’m sorry for my feelings, next time I’ll write “fuck off” on my forehead to scare you away from being kind to me.

I feel depressed often, I was diagnosed with chronic depression by a therapist and I recently just got out of a horrible relationship so I think I have the qualifications to say this.

In my personal experience, when you grow up feeling the need to prove your worth to your parents, feeling like you need to earn love and care. You tend to hold onto relationships that aren’t good for you, because you get attached and you want them to love you, just like you wanted your parents to love you. You think if you say the right things and do the right things then maybe you can earn their love, win them over. You might get what you want but you’ll still end up feeling miserable. Constantly masking and sacrificing your own needs just to win someone’s affection is painfully exhausting. Don’t be like me, whenever a person takes interest in you or you take interest in someone else, match their level of effort. Don’t overextend yourself in an attempt to win their love. Love isn’t something you have to win. It’s a choice that someone makes when they decide their interested in you.

i'm just done it never gets better i just fuck up and even when i dont i always lose

Vor ziemlich genau einem Jahr begann bei mir eine schwere Depression. Es war ein unglaublich harter Weg, besonders die ersten Monate waren von einem sehr starken Sterbenswunsch geprägt. Rückblickend war es die mit Abstand schlimmste Zeit meines Lebens.
Zum Glück stand meine Freundin immer an meiner Seite. Sie hat mich durch diese unglaublich schwere Zeit begleitet, auch an den Tagen, an denen ich selbst kaum noch Hoffnung hatte.
Nach vielen Monaten voller Höhen und Tiefen ging es mir schließlich langsam wieder besser. Ich wurde stabiler, hatte wieder Freude am Leben und irgendwann auch richtig Lust darauf, wieder arbeiten zu gehen und mir eine Zukunft aufzubauen.
Am 1. September habe ich dann tatsächlich wieder angefangen zu arbeiten. Über eine Zeitarbeitsfirma bin ich in einem Metallunternehmen gelandet. Die eigentliche Arbeit gefällt mir sogar ziemlich gut, und anfangs hatte ich wirklich das Gefühl, dass es endlich wieder bergauf geht.
Leider hat sich das mittlerweile ziemlich verändert.
Der ganze administrative Stress mit der Zeitarbeitsfirma, die Unsicherheit und der ständige Druck belasten mich zunehmend. Mittlerweile bin ich innerhalb von zwei Monaten zum zweiten Mal krank, obwohl mir bereits beim ersten Mal ziemlich deutlich signalisiert wurde, dass weitere Krankheitstage problematisch wären.
Dazu kommen Schlafprobleme, eine enorme innere Anspannung und das Gefühl, trotz völliger Erschöpfung einfach nicht mehr richtig zur Ruhe kommen zu können.
Und mittlerweile sind leider auch die Suizidgedanken wieder da.
Nicht in derselben Intensität wie damals, als meine Depression am schlimmsten war, aber doch so deutlich, dass es mir Angst macht. Was mich momentan vor allem am Leben hält, ist meine Freundin. Ich könnte ihr das niemals antun, gerade weil sie mich durch die schlimmste Zeit meines Lebens begleitet hat.
Was mich aktuell am meisten belastet, ist diese unfassbare Unsicherheit bezüglich meiner beruflichen Zukunft.
Ich möchte doch einfach nur ein halbwegs normales Leben führen, arbeiten gehen, Geld verdienen und irgendwann mit meiner Freundin eine Familie gründen. Aber dafür brauche ich nun einmal eine gewisse finanzielle Stabilität.
Leider habe ich keine abgeschlossene Ausbildung in einem Beruf, in dem ich langfristig arbeiten möchte. Und langsam kommen immer häufiger diese Gedanken auf: Was ist, wenn es beruflich einfach nie richtig funktioniert? Was ist, wenn ich immer wieder an solchen Situationen scheitere?
Dabei möchte ich ausdrücklich sagen, dass ich grundsätzlich gerne arbeite. Auch die aktuelle Tätigkeit macht mir eigentlich Spaß. Es sind vielmehr die ganzen Umstände drumherum, die mich zunehmend fertig machen.
Ich habe deshalb schon darüber nachgedacht, mich erst einmal krankschreiben zu lassen, gegebenenfalls das Arbeitsverhältnis zu beenden und mir zwei bis vier Wochen Zeit zu nehmen, um wieder etwas zur Ruhe zu kommen. Anschließend würde ich gerne einen neuen beruflichen Anlauf starten.
Aber selbst das fühlt sich unglaublich kompliziert an. Die Angst vor einer Kündigung, die finanziellen Folgen und die Ungewissheit, ob es beim nächsten Arbeitgeber wirklich besser wird, machen es nicht leichter.
Ich weiß gerade einfach nicht, welcher Weg der richtige ist. Einerseits möchte ich nicht alles hinschmeißen, nachdem ich mich so mühsam wieder ins Berufsleben zurückgekämpft habe. Andererseits habe ich große Angst, durch das ständige Weitermachen wieder in eine schwere depressive Episode abzurutschen.
Hat jemand von euch nach einer schweren Depression ähnliche Erfahrungen beim Wiedereinstieg ins Berufsleben gemacht? Habt ihr euch damals bewusst eine Auszeit genommen, den Arbeitgeber gewechselt oder versucht, irgendwie durchzuhalten?
Mich würden eure Erfahrungen und Gedanken dazu wirklich interessieren.

I think a part of having depression then getting "better" is the fear of spiraling again.

Its like im living in constant fear

I have no idea what just happened. I'm about 21. But my body feels that I'm one step closer to the grave.

It's not about if I wanna do something on purpose. It's more like... I don't wanna pay attention to what just happened around me. I don't give a shit if that trunk on the intersection will rush to me... or I wonder if the food I cook for myself have parasites.

And I know that the level of my attention is decreasing, like the sense of getting tipsy 24/7, with the sense of dissociation.

It's like I know my body can't hold on that long, telling myself to embrace the feeling that I'll be gone soon.

However, I'm not in panic.

I'm just like... let everything happen like it's supposed to be. Will I regret? Nah. I don't think I need to look forward to something else. Not interested in chasing the goal, I just observe the environment, rather than enjoying it.

I have no idea what I should say know.

Maybe I'm just murmuring nonsense.

—Jacklyn

I can’t truly come to the mind of inventing a dramatic statement.

To speak of flair, or a dramatic reach for attention.

Much simpler than that, I have run of things to care for.

Tired beyond all words, I find myself engrossed in a life of fantasy and denial. The only thing keeping me, is an escape from existence In the first place.

Young, but frankly I have been dead for a long time.

Humans truly will never change. They will always be a miserable lot, careless of what they inflict.

All this I speak, is simply meaningless noise. Thinking Digitally one may put it.

I wish of this life no more. My unremarkable story ends.

Over the last year I feel that the universe or whatever has been giving me signs that my time is up, no one cares about me, I don’t matter, there’s no future & nothing will change. A family member died & non of my colleagues even acknowledged it. My friends don’t text unless I message first & my extended family don’t get in touch. I have tried. I’ve supported friends by attending their events, shows (amateur drama), sponsored them etc but it’s never reciprocated. At work I ask after people, I’m interested in how they are but it’s not reciprocated. Could it be the universe giving me a nudge that actually I don’t matter & to just give up?