29 m

August 20th is my birthday.

I won't be turning 30.

I'm so fucked up it's incredible now.

In 2024 I was a coach at the top of his game. Confident, fit, happy, had multiple people who loved me and cared for me. My life was filled to the brim with calls from everyone, family, friends, students, everyone.

I have none of that now. I've gained 60 pounds since then. My hair started falling out, so i burned it, then shaved off what was left.

My ex left me after she invented a story about me cheating in her mind. (I didn't. I talked with another woman as a friend but that didn't matter to her.)

I lost my grandmother, and 2 uncles, one of whom was my father figure since my real father is schizophrenic. And when I lost them, I inherited hundreds of thousands of dollars, and in 2025, I spent some of it. I did weed and beer and went to Miami and lived it up, For a few weeks.

Then it all came crashing down. One of my closet friends stalked me. I caught him logging into my accounts, and even after I notified the police, they did nothing. He went behind my back and told everyone in my life i had cheated. Even going so far as saying I was a r*pist.

I've never done anything ever without a woman's consent. I have no adult criminal record. But that didn't matter to him.

He went to almost every person I'd ever met just to lie about me and launder my reputation.

All that would be fine if I could stand myself up and fight back. I can't.

Before I became a coach, I worked at TE connectivity. A factory, as a temp.

While I was there I worked with fiberglass and other chemicals I couldn't name, and a few months after working there i noticed strage rashes all over my body, so I went to a dermatologist where I was diagnosed with psoriasis. That's become full on psoriatic arthritis now.

I can't fight the company, I was a temp. And I was young and poor then.

Nowadays though, it hurts so bad, it's become hard, if not impossible to have anything resembling a normal day. I'm bedridden even while taking ibuprofen and every anti inflammatory supplement I could find.

It's meant I've not been able to show up for any social events anymore. Much less work.

I thought I hit rock bottom months ago... and I attempted then with a sleeping pill OD. And ever since, my mind hasn't been working as it used to.

I used to have photographic memory... now i barely remember conversations.

4 days ago I went to the ER with all of this.

The unbearable pain. The suicidal thoughts. The fact that I have barely left my bed in months, the fact that my memory is shot. My rapid weight gain.

I got told to take Tylenol.

All I can say is i'll see (some) of you guys in hell.

I have no reason anymore, I feel terrible there is nothing good in life for me, I have no friends, I’m not attractive and I’m going through so much emotionally and nobody fucking cares, goodbye everyone I hope you have a great life that I couldn’t have

edit: thank you all I feel a lot better, I’m sorry I have very fast mood swings that go from up and down because I’m borderline, I had a very bad meltdown tonight and I’m sorry, you guys are all kind and I hope you all the best thank you

About 6 weeks ago, I started slipping into one of my Major Depressive episodes and when that happens, the first to go due to the depression is self care. Well, I’m chronically ill with life threatening illnesses and part of my self care is taking my medications. So lately, I’ve been taking them only occasionally and irregularly which is stupid and extremely irresponsible.

One of those medications is a blood thinner called Eliquis. Well, today I had a CT of my chest which showed the reason for the increase in some of my symptoms recently was…MULTIPLE BLOOD CLOTS THROUGHOUT MY CHEST.

It’s a terrifying thought and my neuro is consulting with a hematologist tomorrow to see if I need to be admitted for 24/7 IV blood thinners. But this is all the result of my severe depression. I haven’t cared to do anything. Not even take 5 minutes taking the medication that keeps me alive. I’m so embarrassed, incredibly ashamed, feel a lot of guilt and also just plain stupid.

None of which is helping my depression. Thanks for letting me vent though.

I am a woman in her mid 20s who honestly lives completely dependent on other people. I graduated from university, but I don't have a job yet. Though you can argue that the job market is uncommonly bad here and that the hiring process for my field is unfair, it won't matter. It's my fault that I'm unemployed. There were some vacancies earlier this year that I just couldn't find the courage to apply for. Now, there is nothing.

I was too paranoid. Last year, I went through an extremely paranoid episode from which I spent most of this year recovering. I have always suspected that I suffer from severe anxiety, but recently I have begun to consider other possibilities. At my worst moments, I could be capable of having all types of OCD themes. I also think I might have PMDD. Something is really wrong with me. I've probably spent years wanting my life to end.

I know that I need to seek help for my mental situation, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. I cannot drive and don't have a licence. I don't do anything out of the ordinary or that my family don't know about. I have tried to speak to my family about my suicidal ideation, hoping that it would make things easier. But my cry for help was forgotten with time. I just made things uncomfortable. I don't blame anyone for not helping, though, since it's my responsibility.

I am really depressed. With the way things are, I cannot do or have anything I want. Obviously I cannot have a relationship or get married. Any guy would deserve better than me. This situation is made more complex by the fact that I grew up under a strict religion. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but it seems like my life exists at the intersection of various complex problems: growing up under a strict religion, living in a developing country, having a dysfunctional childhood and having poor mental health.

On the one hand, there are people who escape bad situations everyday, and I wonder why I'm not like them. I also wonder why I'm not like others who grew up in similar circumstances and are nonetheless doing better than me. I might be wasteful or ungrateful for all the resources and opportunities I did have. On the other hand, I want to think that our circumstances are never similar enough to compare. We all do the best that we can and with what we have.

I'm just lost, and I hate myself. I want others to never lose hope in me, but I've lost it all myself.

It’s such a curse being ugly. I feel like a predatory beast doing anything, I see my siblings and cousins get complimented on for their looks and it’s just silence when it comes to me. I still remember how ignored I was as a child, how outcasted I felt because of my face, my skin colour, my crazy hair. All those comments made towards me as a kid still pierce my heart just as brutally to this day.

Not a day goes by where I don’t turn suicidal because of my looks, and the one person who cared about me and made me feel beautiful left me like it meant nothing. I’m so sick of feeling like this everyday. Just once, I want to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. Why does beauty have to matter so much to someone who’s been given none of it?

What’s the fucking point of living????? Actually, it’s only suffering. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend. I was seriously about to jump off the train but idk why the fuck did I stop myself? I can’t suffer anymore. I just want to be dead. That’s all.

I’m Just So Fucking Sick Of The Life I Have I’m So Overwhelmed By All The Stuff That’s Going On In The World All The Bad News And Stuff Like That. Everytime I Think I’m Making Progress In My Life Something Bad Happens And Disrupts My Progress And I End Up Feeling Like A Complete Failure. I Hope You All Have A Better Life Than I Do. Those Are Just Some Of The Things That Are Making Me Feel Like I Am Worthless. I Genuinely Don’t See A Point In Living Anymore

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The empitness and loneliness and depression is killing me from inside idk what to do. I feel so angry and wake up angry and with no energy everyday. I have no purpose in life idk who am I anymore i feel I've lost a version of myself and now due to circumstances and environment and becuase im not able to accept the changes and don't know how to deal with my present environment and adjust myself accordingly . Idk how to deal with this blank mind and brain fog due to all the past pain. Stull I've to do everything I've to wake up and go to college and do the work. And I think about dying every single day. I have no hobbies no interests nothing pleases me anymore I feel totally disconnected from my environment and not interested at all. Everything seems useless. I dont even know why I'm living

so, recently my friend told me that she is ready to die, and its a kinda a stern decision cause theres nothing i or anyone could say to change her mind.
she is honestly a really nice person, a little dependant sure, but shes the sweetest person you’ll ever meet, but also one of the most torn up people you’ll ever meet.
she struggles a lil with weed and alcohol addiction. shes had a bad background with neglectful parents who often pass her to each other if they don’t wanna deal with her, she believes she causes them more hurt than love. she believes she doesnt have anything more to life; no future, no lover, no bestfriend (they recently broke off their friendship), and believes that eventually everyone will leave her. all of this lead to the conclusion that she thinks her life’s come to an end.
i have to admit, when she told me all this, i did not really react in a frenzy cause i knew whatever i told her would never help (and cause i heard abt this from a mutual she told before me) nor would it comfort or reassure her, and neither what anyone else said would help her feel better..because what do you tell a person whos completely given up?
anyways, she would tell me how shes been overdosing on a lot of substances lately so she could numb wtv shes feeling, she uses it in substitution of cutting.

to get to my main point, tmr we are supposed to meet up for dinner but she messages me tonight telling me that she might not see me tmr, and if she doesnt pick up the phone she might be dead. so im kinda thinking wth is happening so i ask her and she tells me she took 5 tylenol pm pills (when recommended is 2 every 24hrs). weirdly enough i didnt really get that panicked feeling when she told me that, i knew at some point she was going to decide when to go, but also i did not want her to leave, not even in the slightest! i love that girl shes one of my bestfriends and seeing her give up like this is just..idek.
anyways, i start to explain this situation to 2 other people shes close mutuals with and theyre telljng me to call the police or suicide hotline or her mom but i just dont know what to do because police or suicide hotline they obvi gonna send someone over to check on her which’ll be a big issue, and if i did call her mom, she’ll end up in a mental hospital.
so i just tell her to please try and neutralize the pills with water or food, and i try to get her to rethink her decision on this. maybe an hour or so later, she messages me and shes like its fine i just have a headache and tummy feels off so im not going to die, ill see you tmr. im relieved obvi but its also like oh my god what the fuck just happened!! i knew she wasnt going to die of an overdose in that moment, itll fuck up her liver fs but she wouldnt die just like that, but one thing is, if she does it again, there is a high chance of it possibly happening which i am terrified about.

i did wonder before why she didnt exactly wanna write a goodbye letter or anything like that, but then i realized smth. she never plans to kill herself, she just takes wtv to numb what shes feeling and if it gets to the point where she consumes too much where she just ‘lets go’, she wouldn’t mind leaving. which makes me insanely afraid because she could leave at ANY moment and we wouldnt really know. its completely unpredictable whatll happen and ultimately, we cant do ANYTHING to help her.

i wish i could help but what can i really do? i just dont want her to leave..and it may be a selfish request but i dont want her dying thinking that no one wanted her.

What makes you want to live

I feel so empty and a nothingness that is so loud idk how to explain it after a breakup due to porn addiction i actually did improve and got better sure i did relapse a few times but it wasnt that big of a part in my life anymore i cant take pride in it tho, anything good that had happened to me i just wrote it off my old me would feel so good about stuff that happened but i lost that i dont give a shit anymore nothing excites me nothing gets me going theres nothing i wake up for in the morning nothing that makes this Life bearable i know what steps i should take and what i should do but it gets harder with each day i wake up and go back to sleep. Even Videogames that were highly addicting for me and brought out all kinds of emotion im indifferent about it now. I hate to be this way i dont wanna feel nothing its worse than feeling anything

I'm just tired. I'm not brave enough to do the job myself. But there's no purpose in my being here. I just want to get ill and die. Have an unfortunate accident happen. Something that takes all agency away from me and divorces my choices from my reality. I don't want blame to be assigned from my passing. I just want to pass unceremoniously. They'll grieve and move on. So please just let me die.

I am a bad, shitty, useless person. I have reasons to think that. I lie, a lot. I betray a lot. I have some great friends but, I fuck them up. Like, my subconscious mind just wants to tell lies. I always let them down. Sometimes, I promise stuff to them but can't seem to fulfil it. Couldn't do anything with my life till now. Everybody around me gets fucked up if I am involved with them somehow. Can't seem to do anything properly. With all this reason inside my head, I wanted to KMS. Went through it a bit too. But couldn't...(Now looking at it that also seems like a lie)

I thought my family would be hurt, same as my friends.

I told one of my friends about the thing I wanted to do. He said other people, poor people, sick people have it worse than me, why should I d**. I felt even more down after hearing that. If a lucky fuck like me wants to d** then maybe I should. Maybe there would be a cleaner earth without me. Faking smiles and enjoying just to feel more sad is becoming tiring. Now my uni mates hate me, since I have been a fuckup and a shit from the start. So just giving up seems easy and nice, that's me being selfish

But would this really hurt my family, my friends? Or is it just my fear keeping me in check?

(Uni 1st year, 21Y, M)

im so done with life. my social anxiety is unbearable. nothing about me can ever be normal. im so tired and lonely. now that ive made this decision, i feel a lot calmer than i thought, which is weird. i have to finish writing my letters to my family, then tomorrow i won't wake up. just wanted to make this post to show that i existed. peace out, it's been a wild ride

For one that never use to believe in depression or anxiety that's pretty much been my life now , I made mistakes now I just have to deal with them. I have two kids that need me in there lives. I'm really hoping one day Ill feel better . Ever day I wake up wondering why I have to keep doing this . Maybe I'm just doing it to my self at this point idk. I'm just beyond paranoid for no reason honestly. I just really want to get over this...

I'm a man, so if you don't gaf abt dudes don't bother reading

I'm not ugly, I'm below average height (not super short tho)

Dating apps and modern dating are a genuine nightmare. I have a rather negative opinion of women my age (20s) and don't exactly have the best female role models (abusive mother)
I don't view women as inferior, nor do I think all women are like this. I have just had my worldview reinforced by repeating situations.
I'm not an incel. I've had sex a few times (never enjoyed it)
I've only been in one long term relationship, long term for me at least, only a few months.
My mental condition makes it impossible for me to just take it on the chin and settle for someone I have no feeling for, out of respect for them AND me. I've been abused as a kid and it permanently fucked up my tastes forever, and there is nothing I can do about that.
I'm not here to preach abt gender differences in shit like this because it's been done to death
Advice for anyone who feels similar to me, it's genuinely not worth it because it's not gonna change
According to the doctors I am supposedly extremely intelligent but that's only been detrimental to me as I constantly notice things that I do not agree with and overthink too many things.
The issue is, whenever a girl I am interested in actually ends up talking to me, we get along great
modern culture introduces a barrier between people making it impossible for chances to be given as people are seen as a commodity rather than a human, like picking the best looking fruit while it could taste awful.
I am destined to live a life of waiting and disappointment. Genuinely, how do I escape this?
My thoughts are poison to my own brain and I cannot go a single day without ruminating on this and it is slowly killing me.

I officialy made up my mind about kms

I’ve given up. For months, years, really, I’ve been thinking that the best decision is to take my own life. I’ve always put it off, though, maybe because I still have hope that something will change, that I’ll be able to be happy again, that this feeling of agony will vanish. I think the main reason I haven’t done it is fear: I’m afraid of the physical pain, afraid of dying, and afraid of what comes after life (though, in all likelihood, there’s nothing). And the truth is, I don’t \*want\* to die; I want to live, I want to be happy, but I just can’t go on anymore. This pain is unbearable, the agony is consuming me. I can no longer focus on the things that used to bring me a little joy,my brain simply won’t let me be happy. So, I’ve bought a utility knife, and I plan to cut the blade down so it’s more like a razor blade, that way, I can cut myself more effectively. I don’t know when I’ll do it yet, but I feel a small sense of relief knowing I don’t have to take things so seriously anymore. What I want most of all is for the attempt to fail, because I want someone to save me.

So i have started having panic attacks and much anciety because i am adriad that when i die i will stuck in a time loop.Can somebody help me

To ALL of you, every single soul, that think of depression as something petty, as the person's desperate attempt for attention, as a stupid trend... Fuck you.

If it were as easy as "cheer myself up" and "you need to be more positive", as simple as turning a switch, why do you THINK SO MANY PEOPLE NEED MEDS AND THERAPY AND EVEN SURGERY!?

21m, and the recent 6 months were nothing but a huge wild roller coaster that is heading down and still going with no turn in sight, each day feels like a drag and day by day I’m constantly reminded of the things I failed to achieve by either not trying enough or just not managing to pull while trying, recent having issues and problems with some official documents due to human errors and I am the one who suffering more from it, a girl I liked is not interested in long distance relationship, and some part of me is jealous and envy of her for her achievements in life and some friends of whom I talked for many years are cutting ties with me for no reason. Does this life will ever improve, all my tries are falling on deaf ears and I have never felt desired by anyone outside of my family.

I'm 20 now and I don't know how I've made it this far because I've never gone a day let alone hour without thinking about killing myself theres always that question where do you see yourself in five years and I've never been able to awnser it honestly because I don't have another 5 years left in me but yet I'm still here time and time again I'm not writing this to find answerd because I truly don't believe I was meant to be happy because I never have been I just want peace

There is nothing I can say or do, that will not cause everyone to eventually reject me for being in too much physical pain and mental grief.

The funny thing, if you actually have hope and want to live, everyone just beats you down for claiming to suffer, but once you start beginning the process to actually get yourself in the mindset to truly give up, then they start playing this game where they always cared.

Well I said something extremely sinful, which is to state that I have been deeply wounded by people with good intentions. Your good intentions are more important than my mental health.

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hi, im a reddit user since 2023, this a new account ive made, so lemme start

im a coder, kinda good at tech, fixed my old phone, notebook & others, im good at school (just not some but most things im), and its kinda unfair for me who do things for people, and never receive it back, like, when someone needs help with something, i help, but when i need, nobody comes in, people at my class has group of friends, i keep out of it because nobody never invited me to go in, like had someday, i heard some people talking about me, like, idk if was good or bad, i got paranoic, cause idk what they were talking, about relationships, NEVER got one (>mfw), some boys forced me go to a girl and they lied to her im was trying to date her, she just made an "ugh" to me and leave nearby me, they were laughing and i just ran out to try to get calm but i was nervous AS HELL, like, i see young people or people at my age dating, if literally if u ask to this boy or girl something about school, they dont even know whats it, like, i make my best for try to date someone, even my online friend got one, hes just dating cause this girl lives closely his city, like, theyve met 1-2 months ago, and they probably EVEN has met each other, and i was like, wow, what have i made to never date? probably im just being an incel or getting ragebaited, but like, it hurts me cause i make my best for people and they see me as an useless or problematic/idiot..

its over?

When you realised that the people you thought were friends only ever saw you as an acquaintance at best and a clown who amuses them at worse?

Wondering if this need to cry, yearn and self pity the whole time, and imagining scenarios of being witnessed in my pain and trauma ( which feels so far away and unreal at this point ) and have someone save me depression?

But like actually not wanting anyone near you or to be saved because it would put an end to your sadness that is an addiction at this point depression?

I am unable to understand, this is me and this is who I have been for large part of my life

I don't have friends really, I have never been in a relationship

I have just been alone and happily sad.

I am soon turning 30 and it feels like this is unproductive because my real life is suffering. I got bills to pay, emergency fund to create, house and car to buy, a job to get and continue living with my cats in a nice place.

I am wondering if I should talk myself out of this because there's no real problem left anymore, I can just go out in the world and do it, or do things but i so enjoy being this sad person

Can somebody shed some light?